


Eyes On Me

by LostInQueue



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adoption, Adoptive Parent, Anxiety, Attachment to children, Baby, Baking with kids, Bazine’s burial, Being reunited with family, Best Friends, Big family, Birth, Bubbles - Freeform, Childcare, Christmas, Confronting pasts, Cuddling, Dating, Defensive grocery shopping, Depression, Earth Day, Easter, Effects of Switching birth control, Emergency c-section, Engagement, F/M, Fainting, Family is everything, Family time, Finding Ones Self, First Kiss, Five kids four and under, Fluff, Future, Gen, Good Friends, HEA, Halloween, Hiding Food, Holidays, IUD pain, In Vitro Fertilization, Journals, Kids, Look-A-Like, Matt the Radar technician (as an urgent care doctor), Mentions of Bazine’s planning of provoked murder, Mentions of past drug usage, Mentions of sexual encounters, Might be Daddy, Modern AU, NICU, Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, Nursing, Parenting is exhausting, Playing Outside, Postpartum Depression, Pregnancy, Preterm Birth, Real Life Problems, Realistic, Sewing, Shaving, Shopping, Single Parenting, Sleeping standing up, Slow Burn, Soccer, Star Wars party, Star Wars party games and treats, Support, Thanksgiving, Therapy, Tickle Fights, True Love, Twins, Understanding, Voice overs, Wedding, alternatue universe, anxious parent, appreciate your parents because they kept you alive, back massage, baking disasters, bedrest, being there for each other, bridesmaids - Freeform, carrying twins, chalk drawings, compassion - Freeform, constipated baby, daddy - Freeform, death of a baby - not main character, father - Freeform, finding fun in mistakes, going into labor, golden birthday, hospital au, kids with pets, learning how to protect, mentions of catholicism, mother - Freeform, moving in, no clear path, not the father, parenting, potty training, prayers, premie, recovery from birth, surprise, takes a villiage to raise a baby, tantrums, teens being awesome, this chapter is meant to make you tired, ultrasounds, volunteering, writing for self-help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2019-10-30 05:25:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 195,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17822741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostInQueue/pseuds/LostInQueue
Summary: Ben’s getting ready to be a father when his girlfriend dies from an overdose. Most of her secret life is news to him, except for the baby he’s been told is his.Rey is the head nurse in the NICU where Baby Netal is delivered to for extensive care. She takes this case with extra attention for the baby, connecting her past with the baby’s present.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [kaybohls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls/pseuds/kaybohls) made me this amazing Moodboard and I can even! I'm so happy. It's so BEAUTIFUL! YAY!

[](https://ibb.co/hXgxGst)

Nothing in Ben’s life seems to work out, not even this. His girlfriend of just over a year and a half broke it to him that she was pregnant seven months ago. Money that he was saving for her ring, suddenly went to other items that they absolutely needed for baby. His girlfriend, Bazine Netal, didn’t exactly have the greatest reputation. People knew how she fancied her men and all of the nasty ways she’d get down, but Ben the hopeless romantic he is, saw her for more. 

Well, he wanted to see her for more. He wanted to see her change, to get out of this horrid lifestyle she picked for herself and be the strong woman she could be. But, eight months into her pregnancy, he found out just how wrong he actually was. 

He had his own house, willed to him by his parents. Baz moved in with him the day she told him she was carrying his child. It was in a nice enough location, close to town but still in the suburbs. The house itself had was burgundy in color with white trim. It had two floors, and his mother’s favorite space was the wrap around porch.

Over the course of her pregnancy, Ben worked overtime trying to save all of his earnings to handle everything, since Baz was unemployed. Ben was good. He thought he was. He thought he could handle anything, except for keeping the grounds clean. Over the course of her pregnancy, the only thing he could do when he got home was fall asleep. Because of it the grass was tall enough to seed, the bushes had over grown areas of the porch, and leaves from the fall had created a heavy blanket over the runoff drain causing the front yard to flood and often. 

His neighbor, an older woman he’s only said hello to a handful of times since Baz moved in, always kept watch over him it seemed. She always had a kind word to offer when he got in late, or offered coffee in the morning when he looked like he could really use a week’s vacation to just catch up on the rest he was losing.

That day his neighbor saw a strange car pull up and then another one that didn’t look like his. She watched as large men and a sickly looking stick of a guy pushed their way into the house. Whoever they were happened to be there for hours until they all but fought their way out of the house. It was then when she called the police.

Ben received a phone call while he was at work, he remembers, from the frantic old lady watching his girlfriend being rushed off to the hospital. 

“Ben! I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you weren’t home! I would have called sooner!” she cried. 

Ben who had not slept the night before due to Baz’s heavy snoring, rubbed his eyes trying to help himself focus on what she was saying. 

“Maz...Maz... slow down. You didn’t what? I’m always at work during the week. I need you to slow down.”

“You need... You need to go to the hospital!” Maz wailed. 

Ben figured maybe it was just those fake contractions being it was so early. Maybe she had some test she forgot about. Either way he got ready, thanking his neighbor for keeping an eye out. 

“No! No! Ben... they took her. She’s... she’s...” the woman sobbed on the end of the line. 

His brow furrowed remembering the scene. He left work without a word. A terrible cold sweat covered his body, hoping the dread was just an odd thought, not a premonition. 

It doesn’t seem to get any better when he flies into the Emergency Room begging to find where his girlfriend was taken. Officers question him and his whereabouts like they would on every cop show he’s ever watched, finally allowing him access to Labor and Delivery.

He covers his face carefully cradling it in his hands while he sits in the empty visitors waiting room. Ben tries not to allow those images come back into his mind but he can’t seem to see past how unfaithful she was. He kicks himself over how blind he was knowing now that she never seemed to care about him, his dreams or his things. The house, his house, is now a crime scene, and she was gone. 

The only last little piece of hope he has is little Solo. The baby would be a Solo, right? Even if it keeps her name they would never be alone. He promises this over and over again waiting for any news on his baby.

“Mr. Solo?” a woman’s voice waivers as it calls out for him.

He turns to see a nurse half the age he is, if he had to guess, trying to gauge his stability. 

“My name is Kaydel, I’m one of the nurses that worked on your girlfriend,” her tone changed from professional to mournful, and his heart dropped. He could literally feel it fall out of his body. They were going to tell him that they lost the baby. He’s sure of it. 

“I’m sorry about your girlfriend... she died before she got here.” Nurse Kaydel swallows harshly, as if she can’t believe she’s been sent out to ask the question. She continues, asking him, “Do you know if you’re the father?”

“What the hell kind of question is that? Of course I’m the father!” Ben makes his way to stand from the hunched over position he was in on the chair. His towering form looks almost menacing and he sees another few staff members come up behind her. 

One gives him a pitiful knowing look that makes him uneasy.

Just as soon as she does he watches as a couple of male nurses wheel his baby down the hall. 

“What is it? A boy or a girl?” He asks while he tries to stand that much taller than he already is to see. 

“It’s a girl,” Kaydel informs him. She’s almost positive Ben doesn’t hear her. 

Ben’s mouth drops open as if the weight of his jaw has become too heavy to hold shut, and all of the color left in him drains from him. It’s in that moment he understands the question. 

Bazine was just as pale skinned as he is, but Baby Netal isn’t. She’s darker skinned—noticeably darker—and it consumes him. Ben turns away from the group, hyperventilating about what he just saw. 

She cheated. 

Or she never was his. 

He was hers. All hers. Everything was hers. And now? Now he was nothing, to no one. 

Ben was so ready to be a father. He wanted it more than he ever imagined needing anything in his life. And now? Not even that is an option. 

————

Baby Netal is given a pink card that all girls were given to indicate their sex on top of their enclosed bassinets down in the NICU. All premature babies, no matter their conditions, wind up in this unit. Her information makes it to Rey who is the head nurse in that department.

Since being promoted six months ago, Rey’s always been handed files to distribute among her staff, but Baby Netal’s case hits home. 

Notes on what happened with Mr. Solo sit next to a picture that was snapped of him when he first rushed in, labeled as “possible father.” She huffs at this, ready to demote the individual that broke the code of conduct in doing this. Shredding the photo would be worse to do and would be acknowledging it without proper documentation, so she leaves the image instead. 

The man looks distraught, just as anyone would if they were in his position. She once’s over him, collecting features to look for if he ever did make it down to her floor. Long black hair, intense dark eyes, long prominent nose, and longer face. Not necessarily off putting in any way, but it’s obviously different, especially in their facility as most of the people who come in seem to have slightly rounded faces. She assumes is got something to do with their ethnicity, which is completely fine, and she in no way would concern herself with picking on that in any way—just, he looked a little out of place. 

Rey thoroughly reads over the baby’s medical chart, standing quickly, to prepare her capsule. She speaks with the specialists on about their expectations in dosage requirements, and prepares the lower cabinet with a new bag of premature sized diapers, a tube of Desatine, the brand of formula they usually give to non-breastfed babies since the mother is deceased, as well as other items she expects to use while handling her care. 

Labor and Delivery nurses push through the doors and Baby Netal is situated in her enclosed bassinet. Nurses around her work on setting an IV in her arm and splinting it so that she can’t rip it out. The needle is heavily taped and looks more like a cast than an inserted IV. A pulse monitor is placed around her foot which is also taped to her, and heart monitors are hooked up to her chest and side, measuring the amount of oxygen she’s getting when she breathes. Finally, a CPAP mask is situated for her, to help push the oxygen into her lungs, as she’s still not completely capable of this on her own. 

Babies born two months early in this day and age have a better chance of surviving, where they didn’t years ago. Back then, families were planning funerals for their loved ones instead of counting the minutes it took to get them well enough to bring the children home. This is the very reason Rey lives for this line of work. She finds it therapeutic to see a family beat all the odds and come out on top. 

Baby Netal has no one though. 

No one to survive for and it breaks her. Once she’s checked in and set up on her medicines to ween the child off of whatever lingering substance she was subjected to, Rey loses herself.

Her focus stays on the child, being pulled back in time to imagine herself in the same sort of contraption, with only the staff worrying over her. She had no family to know. No heartbeat to hear. No one to comfort her. Rey cries for this girl, not wanting her to have her lonely life. Rey promises her aloud for all the floor to hear, that she would make this right. It’s not a shout, and it’s certainly not a whisper, but she’s determined that she would make sure the baby is loved. 

Rey feels Rose’s embrace and let’s it all out. Rey drops her head forward, sobbing horribly for this child as if she knew more than what the file said.

“Let it out, Rey,” her friend leans onto her shoulder. “Let it out.” 

Rey doesn’t need to say anything. Rose knows why. She’s only ever cried when she truly connects with something or someone. Since therapy started earlier last year, she’s been able to let go of some of her pain. Rose doesn’t push for an answer, or information, but does offer to watch her babies while she goes to compose herself in the break room. 

Rose is completely capable, just as all of the other nurses and staff in the NICU. It takes a certain level of crazy to be in their position, but as Rose has learned over the years, she knows that, and that babies are resilient. 

——

Rey washes up, removing her gloves before sitting at her desk to call Human Resources. She needs to know all of the individuals she needs to contact for the orphaned girl, if there’s a father, if they can find out if he’s capable, or if they’ll be sending her on to St. Mary’s as soon as she’s released. She needs to be prepared, and more than anything, Rey needs to be able to let go if she can’t adopt her. 

Personally, Rey’s been getting by just fine. Rose and Finn have been absolutely Godsends since, well, forever. But these last three years since she decided to get into having her own children, they’ve been there for her thru and thru. Today, Finn is covering ground at home while the two handle working at the same time. It’s rare that Rose works with Rey since she started the process, but the man upstairs must have known Rose is needed today. 

Rey gathers her information, calling a few other places within the building and outside of it. She wanted to be sure that she had all of the documentation to go about adopting this girl if the chance arose. Yes, she had two of her own, but damnit she had to try. She had to for her sanity. She had to because she saw herself and couldn’t let it go.

——-

Throughout the day Rey is greeted with staff members that confirm information has been placed on her desk, or emailed to her, or calls are waiting for her, and each time she’d check them within reason of her dedication to the other patients on the floor. 

Parents visiting were allowed two chairs next to their bassinet when they visited. Babies that are strong enough are swaddled and allowed Kangaroo Time with the mother. They find that it’s soothing for both the mother and child to connect like this, skin to skin. A wheeled, gated curtain is pulled around for privacy and some time is allotted to them depending on the health of the child. 

Rey’s nearing the end of her shift when a particularly large man is reading all of the signs, washing accordingly with the individually wrapped sponges from hell, practically scraping the first layer of skin off of his hands. Rey shakes her head and goes back to tending to babies in the back of the room. She has her hands full right now, discharging three from her care to be sent to the Intermediate Care Unit upstairs. It was always a big party every time. 

Rey would talk to each one, excited to give their card a sticker and warm words of encouragement. Each time she would shake the parent’s hands or depending on how long they had been coming, she’d throw in a hug, letting them know if they had any questions, the nurses in ICU are just as skilled. Though, they seemed to be the most relieved when she would hand her card to them with her extension and if they ever needed anything they could call. 

Sometimes vacancies would appear upstairs and babies who were ready for the move were just sent making room for the next round of children that needed care. For those, Rey would send Rose or go herself so that she felt like someone was with them. Sure, they really had no idea what was going on, but this portion of care was more for her sanity. 

Today, it’s Rey’s turn to take up the last baby in her unit besides Baby Netal. Being away from her is terrifying, but Rose practically pushed her out the door saying, “On your way back get me a lemonade.”

It’s not like she didn’t know why Rose made her request. It seemed odd that she would bring only an hour out from the shift change. She could get her own drink then, but Rose knows Rey will implode if her only focus is that child.

“Pink or regular?”

“Like you have to ask.”

Rey’s smile sets dimples firmly onto her cheeks. It’s a smile she’s needed all day, really. And she’s glad for her friend for it.

The trip to drop Baby Boy Anderson off is a short one. One elevator ride up two floors and a sharp right has them right at the Intermediate Care wing. Rey buzzes for them to push on inside. She waves as little Anderson is wheeled in and the other nurses take over. Two large hydrologic doors ease back on themselves, locking them in place as if this section of the hospital is a quarantine ward. 

It sort of has to be. They live in bubbles in there, and as the babies mature, they’re allowed out of the enclosed bassinet into an opened one which is a huge milestone. They didn’t need them getting sick, she reminds herself. Rey waves to the closed doors as if she could still see through them and turned to complete her next task. 

The cafe Rose prefers her pink lemonade from is downstairs on the ground floor. It’s always a madhouse and she knows Rose loves it. It gives her a sense of time. When they’re on the clock in the NICU, the windows are too small to really see out of. The only time they know it’s night or day is based on whether or not they need additional lighting in the rooms. The little cafe is practically made of windows, and people, while it’s crowded, are completely capable —handling themselves on their own. 

It wasn’t to say Rose didn’t love her job, but taking care of babies all day every day has its limits on what conversation she could have. 

So far Rey’s already heard about several people’s views on the doctors that they or someone they knew were seeing. She’s overheard a few that she wishes she could erase from her memory, and it’s then when she gives up on being out with the “normal” crowd. 

Babies are safer. They are to her at least. She has hers at home with Finn and Rose’s kid—soon to be picked up—she reminds herself. Ah yes, her little ones, if she could even call them that anymore. They were three, almost four... in two months and six days. They gave her exactly what she needed back then and always, she’s sure of it. 

In vitro isn’t a guaranteed practice, sometimes women’s bodies fail. It’s just life she was told. But Rey’s problem wasn’t necessary an infertility issue, per se. Being that she had no known resource of her lineage, she really couldn’t rule it out. She wasn’t one to take chances, knowing full well that a chance was a wasted opportunity. Taking a chance meant she could lose everything, and Rey wasn’t about that—especially not gambling with lives either. 

To this day she counts her blessings. Having a baby was the goal, but having two was the icing on the cake. She had one of each: a boy and a girl, naming the boy Anthony, and the girl Addy. They have brilliantly black hair, grey eyes, Addy’s changed though to match her own, keeping some of the flecks of grey within them. They both have the longest eyelashes she’s ever seen, and the cutest smattering of freckles across their nose and cheeks, similar to herself. Addy has less features that remind herself of her own such as her nose and the shape of her eyes, while Anthony did. The same could be said about their fingers and toes, too. 

God, she loves them. Their little hearts and minds always making her day... this day would be no different. Sure they will be wild after her shift, wanting everything under the sun as soon as they go home. It’ll be an obnoxious night, what with the potty training and goodness—probably another shower where she bathed in her swimsuit, but they were a little too curious about everything. 

She smiles at the thought when she gets back down to her post. Rey places the drink on the desk letting the nurse there know that it’s for Rose. 

“Mrs. Phasma from ‘Care for Us’ called. She said she would be able to sit down with you at any time,” the young woman told her.

“Thank you. I’m waiting for two more calls. I’ll have them forwarded to my cell tonight because of it. Actually, if you could set that up for me now, I would appreciate it.”

The girl nods and stands to head to Rey’s office. 

Rose pops out of room one where a lot of the babies had moved on from, thanking the stars that Rey came back as soon as she did. 

“So we... have a situation.”

Rey’s eyes widen, needing to know if it has anything to do with Baby Netal. Rey washes up diligently, scrubbing every last bit of her hands with that awful sponge, asking for Rose to give her every last detail. 

“Well, it’s not a baby. It’s Baby Netal’s Daddy. I tried to get him to leave because he’s not —“

“I’ll take it from here. Thank you Rose, “ Rey clears her throat while she pulls on her gloves, and fastens her sleeved smock so the tie is in the back. 

Rose watches her curiously knowing that her bedside manner was why she was offered the position in the first place. 

Rey steadies herself, already having a connection to the baby. She wants nothing but Baby Netal’s protection, and this man, who clearly followed all of the dressing steps besides being the actual father, clearly had some interest in that as well. She rounds the bassinet as she would for any other parent, introducing herself with the baby’s file in hand.

“Hi. I’m Rey, head nurse here. Are you the baby’s father?” her gaze connected with his red rimmed eyes as she asked the question. She knew, but he had to say it. He had to know he wasn’t, as painful as the thought obviously is. 

The man blinks away tears trying desperately hard to get them to stop falling. He shakes his head to the left and right just slightly, only enough really to move a few strands of his long dark hair.

“Who are you then?” she asks him softly. 

“The boyfriend. I was her mother’s boyfriend...” he tries to get a handle on his feelings about that revelation.

Rey reaches out to place her hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry—“

“Are you going to tell me to leave too?”

“—for your loss.”

Ben is silent, not knowing what to say at first. Most of them have been trying to get rid of him all day, saying terrible things, all humming around the freedom of it all. He wanted this child though, he wanted the responsibility. He wanted a family. Being from a broken home of sorts, it’s all he really ever wanted. 

He watched his friend’s parents being parents to them. It was something he absolutely craved. Instead he found himself alone. Tossed to the side as if he should be able to figure this life concept out alone. That’s what men do... don’t they? Figure it out alone? 

Well— now he’s alone again. Baby Netal has no connection to him. He’s technically, exactly what they called him... a free man. The reality of it is awful though. Never in his life did he need someone as much as he feels he needs this child, and Rey can feel this too.

The second he sniffles, he feels her move to put down her file. Within seconds she’s there to offer the man a hug. 

“It’s going to be alright. She’s in the best care here. You don’t have to worry. 

A dam breaks inside Ben and he just cries over her shoulder. She didn’t ask him to leave. Not yet. Maybe she would let him stay. He nods to himself, he’d do anything to get her to let him stay. 

“Let it out...” She pauses not knowing his name. “What is your name?” Rey asks thinking she would actually need that information to help this guy calm down. 

“I’m Ben,” he croaks. 

“Well Ben, I’m sure your Ms. Netal would be grateful knowing you’re here and loved her daughter. There aren’t many men out there that still—“

“Want to take care of a baby that isn’t theirs?” he asks acidly backing away from her hug. 

“You need to stop doing that. You may not have been treated well by others either in your life or in this building over this situation you’re in... but painting me in the same shade as everyone else isn’t going to help you see the light.” 

Rey’s hard words settle with him in a way he hasn’t had to accept before. His face contorts as if he wants to sneeze but asks a question instead. 

“Are you, do you have kids?” Ben asks as if she didn’t just put him in his place. 

“Twins,” she answers, turning to Baby Netal’s IV hook up to press a new code releasing the next fluids to her. Rey works on her file, taking down her levels, temperature, changing her diaper and situating a cloth mask over her eyes before situating a Bili light on top of the bassinet. Rey marks the time before turning on the blue light. 

“This is to combat her jaundice,” she informs Ben who is watching her every move. “The IV is a combination drug helping her with her withdrawal. I assume you know.”

“I know now... since her mother’s death,” he frowns.

“And you’re not in any way connected with—“

“No!” Ben rakes his fingers through his hair, not completely able to hide the fury in what he assumes to be an accusation. 

Rey’s eyes narrow into slits, warning him not to yell at her. 

“I don’t know you, Ben. Our hospital is in a rough neighborhood. You could be some Joe off the street looking to sell a baby for all I know and I’m taking a chance on you because I have a feeling you’re more than that,” Rey hisses.

His face falls, asking “People do that?”

Rey nods slightly. “None have made it past the doors, thanks to the wristband policies, but there are plenty shady people around her that will take the chance if they get it.” Rey pauses and opens up Baby Netal’s file. “Now, I’m going to ask you a few hard questions and you’re going to answer me without a tantrum, do you understand what I said?”

Ben nods slowly. Only his mother ever spoke down to him like a child, and now the head nurse, who looks too young for the position, is doing the same.

He watches her pull up a larger chair for him and sits on a stool with her clip board next to the counter lining the room behind the bassinets. She takes out a few documents that she had been collecting over the course of Baby Netal’s care and set it aside. First it was time to get all of his information, including his drivers license to prove his ID. 

Ben does his very best explaining his life before Ms. Netal, every last thing he could remember about her including odd behaviors that were out of the ordinary, such as self harm. Her questioning honestly seemed more like she was taking notes to follow up with the police report, somehow linking him to Baz’s departure. As he answers he watches the baby breath, entranced by how tiny her fingers and toes are. 

Surely, he was of the right mind to handle this, he thinks.

“I can’t let her hold your finger or anything, Ben. You aren’t a legal guardian yet. But if this is something you truly want,” Rey reaches for a stack of papers beside her. “You’ll need to follow through and register yourself as an adoptive parent.”

Ben looks at her as though she’s grown three heads. “I can adopt her?”

“Research has to be done on the father through DNA testing. Assuming, Ms. Netal was in with the wrong crowd, it’s likely that the police station has the information we need to allow your request over the biological father’s. By doing this we eliminate the possibility of him finding the baby, and having the right to remove her from your care.”

It hurts Ben to imagine this. The pain he feels stabs him in the chest. He sucks in a breath and she’s almost positive he’s ready to ask a question, but stops when his hands connect with the stack of paper. 

“Do you have anyone to help you, Mr. Solo?”

Ben shakes his head no. 

“Do you have family leave from your job?”

“I’m not sure. I can find out.”

Rey nods. “Find out. You’ll need the time to adjust and find daycare when you have to go back to work.”

“I don’t want her in daycare.”

“If you have no one, then that’s what you’ll need to do. Health care is expensive and she will need it before she’s discharged.”

“When will that be?” He asks sheepishly. 

“When she’s healthier. But she won’t be in my care by then.”

Ben looks absolutely terrified. “Who will release her?”

“The staff in Intermediate Care. She has to maintain her temperature outside of the box, eat at least two ounces every feeding with assistance, keep it down, and pass five pounds before she can go home with you—IF, Ben... If you follow the instructions here.”

Ben nods his head.

“Will I be able to come back tomorrow to see her?”

“No.” Rey carefully eyes Ben, repeating what she said. “You have to be a legal guardian to come back,” Rey stands by his side, expecting him to do the same. 

“Are you kicking me out?”

“Yes.” Rey looks up at the clock, holding a finger to him. “Down here, were on twelve hour shifts. During shift the change we ask that all visitors leave so we can go through the rounds discussing observations and meet with their doctors to make sure we’re all up to speed. In your case though, you won’t be coming back in until you’re an approved guardian.”

Ben’s skin prickles with anxiety. How was he going to handle not being able to come back tomorrow? He lets out a shaky sigh, trying desperately to sound as if he can do as she asked.

It seems to be the confirmation Rey needed to see, when she pulls her gloves off, stunning him when she asks for his phone.

Ben fumbles in his back pocket, and unlocks the phone for her. 

“This is my cell number, Ben. If you ever find you need someone to talk to or something in general, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.”

Her generosity isn’t lost on Ben. He could hug her again, but won’t. Instead he asks sheepishly, “Won’t your husband mind?”

“No.” Rey looks at him curiously, wondering why that was the first thing he thought about. Ms. Netal’s infidelity ran through her mind, which told her to give him something. “No, I’m a single parent, by choice Ben.”

She watches as he frowns trying to understand.

“In vitro. There was no father,” she steadies herself. “Now, you should go. Do what I asked. Call if you need me. Baby Netal will be fine. She’s under my exclusive care, alright?”

Ben nods thinking maybe it would be alright while Rey escorts him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://ibb.co/r2bsQz6)
> 
> I am so excited to share a piece made by StellaScully1984! This is the first ever fan art work I've ever recieved from anyone based on one of my stories! I am just over the moon that she took the time to do it. The artwork is created in pencil, ink, marker, and crayon on paper... which, being an artist myself, I have to say is a very hard medium to work with! Thank you so much StellaScully1984!!! <3 <3 *Did you know she writes? Go check out her work! I am currently enjoying Heartbeat!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m just a human being a human...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t get over the response to this fic so far! 💖💖 I’m about a quarter of the way into the third chapter and I’m already so excited to share it! Eek!

Each step he took towards the door makes him feel like he has less control over this situation. 

“Excuse me, sir?” a nurse calls to him, raising her finger to gesture him waiting a minute.

“Hmm?” he asks, being the only thing he can reply with. Maybe Nurse Rey changed her mind. Maybe she would let him stay. Maybe she could let him sit on the side—or stand since sitting might take up too much room. 

“Just a second. I need that smock. This gets washed, you see... everything else can go in the garbage,” she adds pushing her foot on the lever for it to open. 

Ben takes his time removing the garment hoping it’s been enough time and he could just go back... but she dismisses him.

Damnit. 

As he pushes through the doors, a group of doctors and nurses head in, conversing in tongues. Medical terms he’s barely aware of fly through their conversation like it’s their native language. 

He stands there in the middle of the hall while the door clicks behind him staring at the stack of documents. It’s a literal stack, at least thirty or more pages thick. Ben figures the only thing he can handle right now is this tiny space between the baby and him, so he does the only logical thing he can think to do. He asks for a pen so he can start filling out the paperwork.

———

Doctors and nurses fill in following Rey around the NICU. Observations for each child are recorded, some children experience IV location changes, which is in part a very serious reason as to why they do not allow parents in the facility at that time. After everyone is seen Rey makes her way to the door. The nursing staff already knows their routine, and Rose has already filled in the chart of service behind the desk if anyone has questions. 

Rey remains on call throughout the time she is at home. Her position has it this way. A lot can be discussed over FaceTime these days, but it’s not surprising if she gets far enough from the hospital to get in the car, only to have to lock up again and head back. 

Every shift end, she thinks that this time she’ll make it home with no problems. She has plans. She wants to thank Finn properly, one day at least, give her friends a vacation somewhere. She could watch the kids, “What’s one more?”she thinks. Besides, Hudson is older now, six to be exact... he would be just as he always is, perfectly helpful. And then she was back again hoping her vacation actually means staying home this July, so that it was really something she could offer. 

The moment she reaches for the door Rose pops by her side, eager as anything to get out for the day. 

“What’s the rush? Hot date or something?” Rey teases her friend. 

“Something like that. I need to get to the store before I pick up Finn tonight. It’s movie night and I forgot the snacks!” Rose dips back her head dramatically making her bun flop back onto her shoulder. 

“Oh, perfect, because I need him to go up in the attic to get Addy’s old clothes down.”

“And you won’t go up there because?”

“You know how I feel about ladders, besides I’ll be giving the kids their baths and wrestling them to get them into bed anyway. I just don’t want to after they’re asleep.”

Rose looks at her oddly. 

“Last time Anthony told me he heard scratching on the ceiling and told me it was a vampire but not Vampirina—the bad ones that eat your ears.” Rey pauses as Rose’s snort captures her attention. “I cannot tell you how long it took to convince him it was me, and not a vampire.”

She reaches into her pocket finding her keys, whistle, normal size can of mace, and checking the other for her phone. Lab jackets are where it’s at. Not only does she stay slightly warmer in the hall, she also can carry basically the entire contents of her purse in those pockets. 

She pulls out the can of mace to fist towards the elevator when she sees Ben sitting in the visitor’s section, diligently filling out the paperwork she had given him. 

“I’ll see you at home, Rose,” Rey says nodding at her friend who went straight into the elevator. 

“Yup! Mixed bag?”

“That would be fantastic...” Rey hopes she heard her as the door shut. Mixed bag is right. She couldn’t help but look back at the man trying desperately hard to finish the work in front of him. A lot is repetitive: name, address, which he left blank, assuming a crime scene isn’t a good enough place to provide for a baby. 

He’s since taken notes on other things he needed to do before trying to get custody of Baby Netal. He wrote down apartment shopping, naming her something appropriate—maybe based on a fighter... because it could only be true. She did survive her mother’s abuse. He was sure it would take extra consideration for it, so he set it aside. Ben also wrote down changing his address on his credit cards and updating his license, continuing by listing changing bills and information at work so that everything matched wherever they would live. 

Everything has to be right—and then he will have the chance to be alright. Ben’s attention to detail started to become clearer with each passing moment. 

He pauses, however, hearing nurse Rey talk about her family. Peeking up at the sound of her voice, he can only seem to try to locate where it’s coming from. Maybe she would see that he’s serious about this. Maybe she’d allow him to go back in even though she said no. Before he can think of any more options to maybe ask for, their eyes meet, and he’s stuck where he sits. 

Ben’s unsure of so many things, but at this moment, he finds comfort in the presence of this little nurse. Well not little. His size makes everything little. He lets himself take in her features in the medically stark white lighting. He’s since noticed the sun has gone down but it does nothing to take from her beauty. 

Her hair is still done, half up and half down, a little frazzled but still nice. Her makeup while light was wearing off for the day and he was sure he could see some freckles. If he ever saw her again, or more frequently and they became more than acquaintances he’d tell her she doesn’t need it, just like he told Baz. The thought of losing her makes him frown and drop his head forward slightly. 

Ben barely hears her approach, but there she is asking if he’s alright. 

“Do you need anything? Any help with your information?” she nods at his work. 

He eyes her curiously. No one ever extended their hand to him unless they wanted something in return. 

“Care for Us’ is the orphanage across town. Mrs. Phasma is who you’ll need to see. Don’t let her push you around. She loves towering over people. I think it’s something of a challenge to her to see if she can break people before they meet the children, what with being over six foot and loving her heels and all.” Rey means to roll her eyes at herself but Ben sees it. 

“You... you seem different now,” he says cautiously.

“I’m off the clock. A regular human now... doing regular human things. And when I get home, I’m a regular parent doing regular parent things.”

It’s in that moment he cracks a smile of sorts, “Parents are different than humans?”

“There’s a lot to learn, grasshopper.”

His grin widens having not heard that since he was a kid. His eyes rove over her figure landing at what’s in her hands. 

“That’s not meant for me is it?” he eyes her cautiously. Even his frame leans back and away from her as he asks. 

Rey’s brow furrows watching his response. She takes a moment to look down and sees the mace she’s absently fisting. 

“Oh, no. No!” she confirms. “It’s always the first thing I grab when I finish my shift.”

Ben just looks at her as if he’s processing it. 

“Besides, I only use it when the perp has a weapon... and I’m pretty sure all paper wins against is rock.”

Again a smile appears and she’s imagining herself patting herself on the back for it. 

“Is it—is it always bad?”

Rey nods, “I buy them by the case now and make sure all of my staff is equipped.” She makes to clear her throat as he stands. “Unemployment has skyrocketed and education seems to have missed the target tremendously here. People are desperate because of it. A lot of times, it’s a cry for help. But they don’t really know how to ask so they just take.” 

Ben nods, not really sure of how to add to the conversation. 

The loudspeaker sounds above them asking that all visitors leave at this time. Rey watches Ben curl the papers in his hands, looking past her, with his attention at the doors behind her. There have been moments during the day that she’s seen fears from other parents, even from herself, that marry his face with concern in having to actually leave. It’s when she decides to offer more to him to ease these first steps that she begins to feel a real connection to him. 

“I know it’s scary, Ben. I was here too, in your position, having to leave Anthony and Addy. I had complications and they came early...” She wells up at the memory. “They were only a pound each and roughly the size of baseballs. Baby Netal is a good size for eight weeks early. Four pounds is nothing to sniff at, especially being that she’s a girl.”

Ben stays silent taking in her response to her children’s arrival, unsure of what he’s supposed to do, so he does nothing. Swaying slightly, trying to stand still. 

“She’s in good hands here, is what I’m trying to say—“

“Didn’t you say you were her exclusive nurse?” he tries to involve himself in the conversation. 

“I am.”

“Then why are you leaving?”

“I have to go home,” she answers him pointedly. “I can’t work all day and night Ben, that’s how mistakes are made.” Rey pulls out her phone to wiggle it as a gesture of contact. “I’m always reachable, which is why I gave you my number and not the one of the floor’s counselor. I might not respond right away; you know sleeping, or taking care of my own children while I’m not here. But it doesn’t mean I won’t. I’ll always do my best to answer you.”

Ben’s face falls a little, trying to correct himself, “I didn’t mean to sound needy, I just didn’t understand.”

“Not many do.”

“What does that mean?”

“That you’re normal.”

Ben nods again as he tries to accepts this. Normal is certainly not what he feels right now. He feels like he’s deep under the sea with a half used tank of air, on the verge of panicking himself into a mild coma. But Rey’s there trying to help him stay calm. Surely more than she should have to do. He wonders why she’s even still talking to him.

He looks once down at his rolled documents and pockets the notes about his plans, not exactly wanting to share that he needs a new place to live.

“Can I walk you out?” Rey asks politely. 

“Afraid I won’t leave?”

It’s her turn to crack her own grin, “No. I was rather enjoying this, but if you’d rather go with the security guards in about two minutes here, that’s fine by me. I’m sure Mr. Dameron and Mr. Mitaka will have plenty to say—“

Ben waves his hands in front of his body confirming he doesn’t need any of that. 

“Lead the way,” he says and she does. 

——

Rey’s ride home has her recounting her day, and trying to remember all of the things she needs to do before tomorrow night’s shift. She usually worked nights, only switching occasionally, just for the sure need of not having breakfast at six in the evening so that she could feel normal all day. Today was just that day. She wanted to see the sunrise, instead of it set, and feel like her ‘day’ was just starting instead claiming she needed her vitamin D. It would be collected, of course during the twenty minutes she ate her lunch in, out in the courtyard. 

What were the odds of today falling in place as it did?

Before she knew it, Rey was already out of the car and walking towards her ranch style home she’s been renting from Finn and Rose for years. Finn is a landlord or sorts, but mostly her best friend besides Rose. Before she can insert the key, she’s welcomed in by him. All he has to do is give his kind smile and Rey’s hypothetical armor drops off of her. She loses the strength to say that today was just a day, or that ice cream could fix it. 

“Oh, peanut. Let it out,” he reaches out to hug her. 

This job has been nothing but hardships for Rey, and he knows it, but it pays well, better than well, since the promotion. Her position has her well on her way to start saving for their futures which is honestly all she ever wants for them. A future. More than what she had... and it’s what eats at her with this new child, Baby Netal. 

“Rose told me we might be getting an addition?”

“It’s possible. I haven’t talked to Gwen yet, I just, her story is so similar... I can’t look at her without seeing myself.”

“Okay. Alright. You know we’ll figure it out... whatever it takes, right?”

Rey holds Finn a little tighter, thanking him for being so understanding as she does. 

“Now, tell me what you want from the attic.”

——

Anthony and Addy were a handful as soon as Finn released her. Both cling to Rey’s legs to be dragged to the bathroom for their baths. Being three, knowing they wanted to sit together and being opposite sexes, Rey opted for bathing suits. It is the safest way to give everyone what they want. 

Surely the perfect parent would scoff at this and give each child a bath all their own... but said perfect parent would also have a significant other. Rey felt her way would work just as well for them instead. 

Bath time wasn’t without intense volume from either of the kids either. They splashed around, claiming that they were swimming until Anthony made this God awful squeaking sound. 

The word ‘stop’ has exactly no effect. In fact, it only makes it worse. Anthony cackles in between “dolphin” sounds, which are more like someone slowly letting the air out of a balloon. 

Of course she says it out loud, making it all the more important for him to continue until her brain bleeds. Rey’s thankful that Addy hasn’t started yet, enjoying splashing around her My Little Ponies as if they were birds in a bird bath. Thank you Addy, is all she can mutter under her breath. 

The two look at her at once. She forgets how good their hearing is, especially when she doesn’t want them to hear her. They’re almost like puppies responding to a dog whistle for the first time...and then they’re in cahoots. Both of them are dolphin calling. 

Rey prays out loud to God to give her strength, saying, “God, give me strength... and I don’t mean more tests.”

Getting them into the bath was one thing, getting them out is a whole different animal. 

“Addy went first last time, so Addy stays in while I dry you, Anthony.”

Her little man pitches a fit, throwing his body backwards. His head hits the side of the tub and he’s hit with the sudden shock of pain that he caused himself. Her son screams awfully, piercing through her as if it was her fault he made the decision in the first place. 

Rey lunges over the tub, hoisting him up under his armpits first. Anthony is still slippery from the bubble bath soap that recently was rinsed from his skin. She doesn’t think twice about the move, drawing him to her, cradling her little boy against her chest. 

“Anthony!” Rey whines. “What were you thinking? You’re in the tub. We don’t body slam in the tub.” She feels around the back of his head knowing that’s the most important part to check. No bumps. Sore, she knows from his squealing. 

“No! Stop it, Mommy! Don’t!” he complains. 

Addy, who is equally sensitive, starts to sniffle. She fights a sob, once. Then twice... and it’s all out as if she hurt herself too. She didn’t. She just wants the same care she sees Anthony get. 

When’s bedtime? 

Thirty minutes can’t come fast enough. Not that she doesn’t enjoy time with them. She does. She loves them more than she loves herself. Rey can’t imagine ever going back to what it was without them. 

“Alright, that’s enough now,” Rey covers Anthony with a soft fluffy blue towel, telling him to sit on the bathmat. She purposely got a yellow one with large fibers that looked like tiny standing minions. 

Addy’s next to be clutched and cuddled the same way. Her waterworks stop as soon as she connects with her mother. Rey wraps her in her pink towel, asking her to sit, too. 

Thankfully, Rey’s got their pull-ups and pajamas ready to go. First to get ready is Anthony, who is obnoxious, dropping his towel and doing what he’s calling the ‘naked baby’ dance. That is until he slips on the tile. Rey’s quick to catch him, but this is getting ridiculous now. 

“No ‘Naked Baby’ dance.”

“Naked Baby Dance! Naked Baby Dance!” Anthony sings. 

Rey all but wrestles him, pinning him down to put on his pull-ups and get his pajama pants on. It’s literally as far as she can go before Addy starts complaining about being cold. 

“Put your shirt on, Anthony.” Rey shifts her attention to Addy, getting her dry enough to remove her baiting suit. At least she would be easier. Just a pull-up and nightgown, Rey thinks to herself. 

“Ahhhh!!” Anthony cries.

What the f—“

Rey turns around to see him struggling with his sleeve. In the five minutes it took to help Addy take her baiting suit off, Anthony got his head stuck in his sleeve. 

“This day,” she sighs.

“Mommy! I’m cold!” Addy protests. 

“Alright!” Rey says just louder than her kids. “Anthony, take the shirt off and wait for me.”

Addy keeps shifting everywhere, not exactly ready to tell mommy she has to potty, and goes anyway. If it’s not enough the pull-up fails.

“This day...”

——

“Are they asleep?” FInn asks.

“For now,” Rey replies. 

“Sounded like a hard night,” Finn tries hard not to tease her knowing that they aren’t as needy when he or Rose handles the evening shift.

“I think they just miss me or something. They get extra weird when I’m not here when they wake up.”

“Well, we won’t have to worry about that right? You’re back on night shift tomorrow night right?”

“Yeah,” Rey allows herself to sink into the couch a little further. 

“You sound down about it.”

“I’m not, it’s just hard to sleep during the day.”

“Well, the twins have preschool now...”

“Yeah...”

“You should sleep when they’re there,” Finn offers the thought. 

Rey nods in acceptance. It was an obvious option but he made a point to keep her thoughts on it. Sleep is important. Just as important as eating, which Rey has trouble with remembering to do as soon as the twins stopped breastfeeding. She would go days without remembering much more than a banana in the morning, sandwich in the afternoon, and who knew about dinner. Usually it was binge eating a bag of candy until her nerves gave in and she crashed for the night. 

“Thank you for going up there,” she changes the subject. 

Finn looks down at the clear container of Addy’s old clothes and a small smile turns up his lips. “You’re a far better person than me, Rey. Helping this person as you are.” He shakes his head, “Unless Rose and I have another kid, no one’s getting Hudson’s baby clothes. Everything else? Sure. Have at it. But the baby clothes are special.”

It’s Rey’s turn to smile at the thought. Finn as always a softie about Hudson, playing with the baby shoes on every children’s store they ever went into. It didn’t matter that he’d kick them off immediately, the very fact that they were worn by his kid made them special. 

“Right, but... maybe she’ll be mine. Addy will learn to share.”

“Addy knows how to share. Anthony just presses her buttons. And,” he presses his lips together as if he wanted to swallow the next question before it came out. “What if you can’t adopt her? How will you feel without theses precious smocks?”

Finn wasn’t one to be materialistic. It wasn’t what he was saying at all, really. In fact, he was more interested in keeping her attached to her family. Giving pieces of her memories away to any sob story off the street seems like trouble, and Rey didn’t need anymore. 

“I’ll keep the ones that are the most important to me, but this girl needs love. Just like...”

“You.” Finn’s heart constricts as he finishes her sentence. 

Of course she was doing this out of compassion. She loves all of the babies that comes through her department. He knows it’s hard enough for her to say goodbye, and it’s another reason she gives out her work line so often. 

“Come on, Rey.” Finn stretches out his arms to pull her in for a hug. “You do what your heart tells you. If this is what you need, then do it.”

——-

After Finn leaves, Rey puts on the Yule Log, being the only fireplace video that looks like one on her iPad and sets it up on the far end of the couch. There she imagines the suggestive warmth of it calming her aching feet.

Usually she sleeps with the twins in her bed but tonight she just needed a little extra time to think. What was she going to do if she got custody of Baby Netal? She’d have a name, Rey nods to herself. A name. She could think of a name while Ben decided if this was the life for him. She could be the back up plan. There was nothing wrong with it. For her own sanity Rey repeats it to herself. She remembers her own past wishing someone had the heart to do the same for her... but then she wouldn’t have Rose or Finn, and they were clearly more important than some fair weather family any day.

The container Finn brought down had every smock Addy ever wore. The cloth was a literal smock that wrapped Addy like a burrito, less the sleeves, as there were none due to the use of IVs.

Rey sniffles at the thought of how unrealistically small they were, and now they are almost four, solid and lanky kids working on perfecting potty training. Where did the time go?

It is an odd thing to think since time with them can creep by as slow as molasses in January. Her mind drifts back to when she dove into parenting. Hudson just turned two and she had been promoted into her desired field being a NICU nurse, finally...and then that asshole broke her heart. Rey tried fast-forwarding the images of that day, but it plays out the same way each time she remembers her decision. 

They had only been together six months, but it felt real. It felt like a daydream, only what she thought real relationships felt like. The good ones at least. Rey believed in love at first sight... and the numbers kept rising after that. Then she switched to Prince Charming, but as it turned out they never were, this last one made her feel special though—like a delicate flower, and just like a delicate flower, she had been destroyed when he slipped up with her name a dozen times, letting on to all of the women he must have been with in their time. 

That was it. 

She was done. 

That year she snapped. All she wanted was a family. Not that a guy was necessary for it. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Rose asks holding her friend’s hand. “I mean it’s a huge responsibility. And, I mean, I can help with whatever you need but this is a life long sacrifice. Parenting,” she shakes her head, “It’s not for everyone... and you’re walking into this without a partner.”

Rey chews on her lip as she takes in her surroundings at the fertility clinic. She’s been on this kick since she was dumped by the last guy she thought she loved. All of her paycheck went to her savings, making sure every last penny would go to a shot at having a family. She didn’t need to ride some shithead’s cock to get one—she didn’t want that. She wanted what Rose and Finn have. She wanted a chance at a forever lover and family. But as it turned out, besides Rose and Finn, she could never really hold on to anyone. She made this choice and she’d be damned if she was going to bow out now. 

“Yes, Rose. I’m ready financially and honestly... I want a family. I want to wake up knowing in twenty years, I’ll still have a family, with or without a man.”

“That’s a very feminist sort of thing to say,” Rose teases. 

“It doesn’t make it less true.”

Her voice then seems to echo in her memory as she comes back to the present. She thinks about how small they were, how she wasn’t allowed to be their nurse, how much that hurt her, how they forced her out of the NICU at times, and how it hurt her not to be there. 

She jumps around in other memories, scrolling on her phone looking tough pictures as she goes. When she finally gets back to today and the thought that kicked her down into that rabbit hole, she remembers they will be turning four in May, on the fourth, which reminds her of what Kaydel brought up about golden birthdays. 

That would be a feat. Golden birthdays were for kids with families, and expendable money, as far as she knew at least. Rey makes a mental note to ask her more tomorrow. 

As Rey snuggles in for the night, she feels her phone vibrate. When she picks it up she doesn’t find a name. Instead there’s a message filled with a row of numbers at the top.

“Please don’t be an emergency,” she dips her head back into the pillows.

When she finally gets it to eye level she reads: 

Hi. It’s Ben. Thank you for your support today. Do you have time to help me with Care for Us tomorrow or soon?

She can’t actually believe what she’s seeing. She didn’t expect him to reach out... they usually don’t. She’s usually an ignored safety net, but now? Now, she can’t help but try to fight the urge to respond right away. 

Of course she starts, and stops and the starts again—and the thought of those damned dots coming up makes her need to make a decision now. 

RN. Kenobi-  
Hi. Mr. Solo. Of course, and you’re welcome. What can I help you with? 

That sounded professional right? In no way did it sound unprofessional, in fact, she’s pretty sure she’s got it covered, even adding him in her phone by his last name, until she reads:

Mr. Solo-  
Do you have time to come with me to the orphanage? I need to be sure I’m doing this right.

RN. Kenobi-  
After 9:30a. Kids are in preschool in the morning. I can give you until 11a. Meet you there?

Mr. Solo-  
Great! It’s a date! Thank you so much!!

What? Wait, what? Rey rubs her forehead between her eyes and above her nose with the corner of the phone itself knowing she needs to respond. 

“Ugh. He didn’t mean it like that, Rey...” she chides herself. She repeats the phrase, ‘It’s a date,’ in enough ways to put her kids to shame, before settling on the least convincing one, finally sure that it isn’t in fact a date. She replies:

RN. Kenobi-  
See you there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mother Mary, pray for us..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to [kaybohls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls/pseuds/kaybohls) for making this moodboard! I cannot even! It makes me so happy. 
> 
> Also, I want to thank everyone that has come by to read this. I had no idea it would have such a positive response and it just warms my heart to see.
> 
> Some of these elements have happened in my life as a parent. I do not have twins, for the record, but my son is definitely the equivalent of a multiple to me. I do also have a one and a half year old, who is helping me on behavior for other chapters. 
> 
> This is the first fic I actually have an outline for. Hopefully that means quicker updates. I can't make any promises, obviously, with two little ones, but I am doing my best. <3 <3

[](https://ibb.co/jrr47L0)

The thought of going home makes Ben sick. He’s been at the hospital all day and the very last thing he wants to do is find out what the hell Baz was doing. What could have been so bad? Ben scrunches up his face as if he can halt his memory. Maz said there were three men. Three. He repeats it again and again, trying to stop but also trying to figure out the puzzle.

It wasn’t like her appetite wasn’t satisfied nightly. He was a giving boyfriend. She repeatedly told him how good he was. His mind hummed with praise every time she’d tell him. All throughout her pregnancy, he was concerned about her and the baby, trying less penetrable options, considering his own size, and each time she goaded him on to take it how he wanted it. But there was a life inside her that he would not jeopardize.

His mind wanders to the police report claiming lines of cocaine were visible on the coffee table, and a K-9 unit found pieces of some mushroom he won’t dare look up on his phone for genuine fear his phone will be flagged.

Since there’s nowhere to go now, he checks into a Holiday Inn Express on the highway about twenty minutes away. The idea of getting to the garage from the hospital’s lobby is another huge stepping stone. He made it out of the elevator, shook Nurse Rey’s hand and wished her a goodnight. He didn’t even think twice about asking her if he could walk her to her car, on the other side of the lot.

Ben was too hyper focused on not being a floor below them and facing the outside world through a large wall of windows. There is an automatic revolving door that is separated by a single glass panel that cuts the space in half, and the door jerks to a stop when it notices the presence of a body looking to pass through it. Technology is weird. Ben being one to avoid these contraptions, heads right for the door to the right of it instead.

By the time she passed through it, she had already fisted her keys, poking them out between her fingers and grabbed the mace in her other hand like she hadn’t been talking to him for the last twenty minutes. He let her go like that.

It isn’t until he’s made the awful attempt at leaving, pacing back as if he forgot something, just to find it and realize how crazy he looked. Those cameras don’t lie. He fights with himself, pushing him onward into the garage needing to get out before he did something stupid.

Figuring out how to pay to get out was a whole different obstacle. He knows how to read. He does but missed all the signs telling him to place his blue card in the machine on the second floor and pay there. He finds himself parking just outside of it on the way down to pay for it there after sitting for a solid fifteen minutes at the gated exit grumbling about how it should be marked better.

His stress bubbles over from the terror of leaving is making him circle the facility twice, before finally getting onto the highway. He needed to go. He needed a place to be where he could sort this stuff out.

Ben repeats it to himself that he’s going to be fine. She is not the first, and not the last. It’s a saying he’s made up that reassures him that she will be fine. Nurse Rey said to trust them. That’s what she said. He could trust them. He could, right?

As he manages to drive past the hospital on the highway, he also tries talking to Baby Netal like she can hear him in the space between them.

“I’ll make this right,” he purses his lips trying not to well up. “You won’t be alone. I won’t let it happen.”

——-

Being at the hotel made things sting a little less. He could handle a hot shower, despite having nothing to change into afterward. It felt odd for him to be here, but it is the safest place he can manage right now. Going home is out of the cards. He figures clean clothes will be purchased, food and a room for sleeping, such as this one, too.

He can do the math though. Ben knows his stay can’t be long term, even though the thought being there sort of felt like a big warm hug. He thinks about his day, and the hug Nurse Rey gave him. It was a simple gesture. One she didn’t give much thought to, he’s sure of it. She just—leaned in—and went for it. The thought of it makes him well up once more.

Bazine wasn’t much of the cuddling type. She didn’t really look to keep him close after their times together but knew he would stick around if he thought he was the father. Baz liked having people at arm’s length and found her blaming it on her family life and often. Her home was mixed, and he listened to her claim she was a mutt more than once. Each time, he would correct her, saying reassuring things like, “Aren’t we all?”, “You’re beautifully yourself...” or anything that would come to mind whenever she brought it up.

He knew she wasn’t well. He knew it and still loved her. He thought he did at least. Baz made him feel some version of love, and he was thankful enough for it, especially because it was hard for her to admit. The first time she tried out the word in a sentence directed at him, she clearly said, “I love you-r body.” He blinked back his satisfaction, wondering why she couldn’t just stop at “you.” The next time she told him, she said, “I love—the way you feel.” And by then he was desperate to get her to just admit the way she felt. He told her over and over again how much he loved her, but she wouldn’t say it back. He took it as a cry for help... and the thought of those words, the very ones Nurse Rey spoke of, pulled him right back to the present.

“A cry for help,” he sighs. “I wish you would have just told me... We could have done this together.” Something about saying it out loud helps him process his grief. He had been stuck in the trauma of everything over the past eighteen hours that when his adrenaline finally wears off, he can see a little clearer.

She had a problem. He found himself diving back into those memories. The ones of her always berating herself and Ben always trying to help her feel better. He never once succeeded, not even intimacy seemed to work at times. He’d buy her flowers, and make dinner so she didn’t have to, but there was never a time where they just clicked naturally. He had to be in bed with her in some way for her to be positive. Whether it was about her body, or realizing she was pretty, and all of the wonderful things Ben had to say about her, magically clicked in like a new set of batteries only when he was buried within her.

Absently, he wonders what that could have even be diagnosed with. It is then when Ben knows he has to say goodbye. Her soul has been gone all day since early this morning... but now? Now it became time to let go.

Self-pity courses through him which ruins his ability to think. He deletes pictures of the two of them together, the things she liked that he’d randomly remember to take pictures of. He does it mostly out of the pain of knowing she didn’t have the same respect for their relationship that he did for her. A clean slate is now necessary, even though potentially getting to keep her baby will only keep her memory around. The child doesn’t know any better though. The girl is the embodiment of pure innocence, and he is determined to give her a better life than her mother gave her in her first eight months of pregnancy.

Once Ben coaxes himself out of his pity party, he picks up his phone, looking for apartments downtown. It wasn’t like they would be horribly expensive since it wasn’t exactly considered the city. The hospital was just on the outskirts of it which dropped renting in that area by a couple hundred dollars. The more he scrolled through the less of the amenities he knew he absolute needed, dwindled.

Ben’s only able to find three that he thinks could possibly be suitable. The hotel room has a desk and usual pad and pen set next to a lamp which he’s not sure he really needs on. Instead he jots down the locations and numbers, inquiring about the first one. It’s a two bedroom, with a washer and drier unit included in the apartment itself.

Presumably, the landlord picks up and speaks no English at all. By the end of the call, he’s almost sure he made an enemy and that said person would be finding him tonight.

The second said she had to sell the dishwasher and confirms that the laundry unit is in a separate building. She’s rather understanding about his situation making sure he knows that there are a lot of options to daycare around the block and they live about five minutes from a park.

The third is out of his budget completely since they finished remodeling, making Ben’s head spin. The listing had just been posted the day before. How could it already be finished? Ben nods at himself figuring they could have just used an old picture.

He calls the second place looking to confirm with the woman getting the husband instead.

“Hi, this is Ben, I just talked to Mrs. Bridger about the apartment for rent.”

Ben can hear people conversing in the background about how this will help them so much, and how their son was recently deployed and wouldn’t be back for years. He feels as though he’s disrupting a personal conversation when he tries to add, “I can call back another time if this is too much right now.”

He really couldn’t, but knowing he was eavesdropping gave him so much discomfort.

“No, no,” the man sighs into the receiver. “Everything is fine. I didn’t know this was posted. But if your available tomorrow afternoon, I can meet you and show you around.”

“You’re sure it’s not any trouble?”

“Oh, no. You’re—that’s, it’s fine. I’ll be here late in the afternoon, any time around four,” the man replies.

“Is four thirty alright?” Ben hopes he doesn’t sound too desperate, but certainly can’t pass up on the opportunity. The sooner he can get in, the sooner he can carry on with his plans. A couple times he wished Baz had been out instead of in with her... what could he call them exactly? Whoever they were and whoever they were to her, they royally fucked up any chances of feeling comfortable in his parent’s old house.

“Of course. You can reach me at this number if you need to change it for any reason. Oh, and my name is Ezra.”

“Thank you Ezra,” he mimics the way the man says his name and ends the call.

Rent would be at least eleven hundred dollars, but for the location alone, he really couldn’t complain. He would figure out how to do laundry outside of his apartment. It would be fine. Except, of course, that he’s now walking into a financial problem if he didn’t figure out what to do with the house.

The next person he calls is his old neighbor, Maz. She really looked out today, albeit, couldn’t help much given her size and age. She really didn’t have to be on the lookout as it was. Other neighbors gave her grief about being too interested in the block. They would make comments about keeping her hedges high, and their windows closed if they wanted privacy from the old lady. But Ben knew her differently.

Maz had been his parent’s neighbor for years, but Ben lived elsewhere during them. He had been all over the world, traveling, mostly to find his place only to come back to this small town a year prior. He really doesn’t have a relationship with her, other than the last year with Bazine. She’s always had her neck out for him that he could remember, offering anything she happened to bake over the hedges she clearly wished she could see over. The woman was so short, he was sure she had a step ladder out by them so that she could see him off with a cup of coffee, or bottle of water in the summer promising that it would be a hot one that day.

Maz deserves to know what’s happening, but he’s determined to make sure she feels like she’s more than just a phone call—that she’s more than just some bystander, so he calls.

——

Rey starts her morning bright and early. By some miracle the twins aren’t awake and breathing in her face yet. It’s strange enough for her to get up and check on them. Sure, enough Anthony is laying across the bed like a starfish, and Addy is positioned perfectly to start this day with a fight. Her leg is angled high enough to kick him in the face if she was having that sort of dream. The rest of her body is arched up onto the pillows too.

Addy recently got into wanting to be a gymnast after watching the summer Olympics with Finn, who really only wanted to watch for the fun of “judging” or “broadcasting” over the anchors that were doing it. Anthony could care less but messing with his sister always took center stage. Rey just hoped with all the teasing, Addy wouldn’t turn around and deck him.

Instead of a crazy wake up call, Rey is able to clean up her space on the couch, put away the bag of mixed chocolate pieces she’s sure she has melted into new forms since finding the bag tucked between her and the back cushion. If the kids ever found out about her stash, she’s sure she will have hell to pay.

That’s the thing about being a parent that singles don’t seem to fully understand. A parent’s choices effect the unit as a whole, where some single decisions don’t. Buying a bag of candy, does not necessarily mean that said bag will be enjoyed by the one purchasing it. Rey knows this all too well. Acting like a child about her bag always backfired, and lying about the bag in question had her children spouting out the crudest things at the worst moments.

Lesson one in hiding chocolate from children:

Never call it a laxative.

Rey had to explain the word, what it does, and how it works all before school one day. That backfired—oh, it did alright. Not only did Anthony run his mouth about all of the ways people poop, but where they go and how long they spend in the bathroom. She got to hear firsthand, how a child told her parent about Rey’s extensive time in said bathroom. Of course, she knew how long she was in there and why... but the other parent and child didn’t need to.

In their recent years, the twins have been more capable of some time on their own, in the gated community Rey calls the living room. Any decoration Rey ever owned were either a several feet from the ceiling on shelves or hanging on the walls. Child friendly items, such as toys and board books were in bookcases on either side of the television stand, which also had the wonderful opportunity of holding puzzles and things with fifty pieces or more instead of the cable box it’s supposed to hold.

There are times when her day becomes too much, and leaves the space to hide in the hallway. It’s not like they can cause that much damage. Several times it’s just been a few minutes where she’s slid down the wall and cried. Being alone is hard. Feeling alone as a parent is harder.

Gates. Who knew combination hardware could create enough of a barrier for mom to get herself back together to handle the day? Rey surely didn’t. In fact, gates were awful to her. The only experiences she had with them were falling over them or ripping he jeans on the barbed wire on outdoor fences surrounding other yards. The later memory, of course, was when she was younger in a very different scenario.

Postpartum would rear its ugly head whenever life became too difficult. It was almost debilitating at times, acting first like a severe headache that spread like wildfire within her grasp of self-reliance. None of it was true, but if she was being honest with herself, it almost seemed as though she had a secondary part of her promising that she couldn’t handle it and to just run. At times it could be violent. During those bouts she found herself telling her youngsters, “Mommy needs a time out,” and would find herself managing stepping over the gate into another room to sob.

Each time her children would wait for her. They would lean themselves against the side of the gate offering toys to her as if they knew. Rey found that food and the gate kept her in check while her friends were out or covering their shifts back then.

Anthony and Addy were just turning one and a half when Finn resigned from nursing to take on a less mentally demanding role being a landlord. He had seen one too many emergencies to handle anything more. His last serious situation was that of a five-year-old boy who lost his life impaled by ice flying through the windshield of his parent’s vehicle.

Finn was done after that.

It was then when life seemed to become more relaxed. It wasn’t that she flat out dumped her responsibilities on Finn. He asked to help. Rose has been helping this whole time. They switched roles as if they both were the motherly unit for the twins and popped in to work fluently. Having Finn join the mix meant someone could actually sleep for more than the half hour naps both of the children would put in during the day.

Their ages helped too, especially as they progressed out of the teething phase. Two-year molars were a nightmare but passed just as soon as the month came to an end. Transitioning them to a bed has been harder. Most nights Rey is just too tired to put Anthony in his and Addy in hers; her main reason being they both seem to fight over their mother’s closeness. One day they’ll sleep on their own, and when they do, Rey had been planning on doing her own series of starfish moves to keep her bed hers.

Whether it was Finn, Rose or herself, everyone put the kids to bed in Rey’s bed. Getting into it was a nightmare. She put up bumpers so her children wouldn’t roll out. But bumpers meant adults couldn’t get out either. There had been enough times that Finn fell over the side being kicked out by Anthony in his sleep of course, that he felt the need to push the bed in the corner of the room instead. There, there are two walls to keep them in, and now he uses pillows around the other two, unguarded sides.

Since the move, no one has fallen out of the bed.

That fact is the only reason why Rey is enjoying a quiet morning. She’s taken the time to make some coffee, preparing it with enough cream to watch a cloud of color roll through the darkness. She does it just to enjoy the simplicity of it before her children breeze out of the bedroom and cause their own thunderstorm.

While they are thin, they’re also tall and muscular, which means they have no concept or forward thinking to control how loudly they stomp when they run out of the room to start their day. Speak of the devils...Rey hears their pounding feet... and in they come.

Rey is almost positive they woke up sensing that she was in the kitchen enjoying something without them. It has to be a sixth sense or something that children have. The very second Anthony gets to the kitchen, he’s rubbing his tummy. Rey knows that this means food, but she isn’t raising mimes, so she assesses Addy first.

“Are you hungry, Addy?” she asks.

“Just thirsty, Mommy.”

“What would you like?”

“HEY!” Anthony shouts. “Me first!”

“Did you want something, Anthony?”

He goes back to rubbing his tummy in large circles, and nodding.

Rey says nothing, while he finally says, “This means I’m hungry.”

“No, that is a circle. How about we try English?”

“Mommy, I’m hungry,” he whines like he’s neglected.

Rey makes them breakfast, making absolutely sure she wipes down the bowls before adding cereal to them. Mr. Picky eater has returned, and he does not like his food soggy unless his tongue has been on it. Rey knows he did not get that from her and absently wonders what the father was like. If he was that needy. She rolls her eyes at the thought, knowing this is a learned behavior, finally ending the thought about the other kids at preschool.

“It has to be one of them,” she thinks to herself, preparing the counter with the boxes of cereal she needs answers about.

The rest of breakfast goes smoothly. Both have their cereal, milk in their favorite plastic cups, and the soft rock music station she plays in the NICU, in the morning instead of the television. She’s learned...Oh, has she learned that they cannot share shows in the morning. The choice is literally Bubble Guppies or Paw Patrol and neither have had a win on sharing. Soft rock it is.

Anthony sings and dances instead of eating, which has her constantly asking him to sit down, and soon it’s followed by, “Ant do you have to go potty?”

He doesn’t answer, instead he runs to the bathroom still holding the spoon and trying to rip his clothes off before making it to the toilet.

Rey can only roll her eyes at what that mess will be. Out of habit, she happens to check her phone ready to aid anyone else in that moment.

Of course there’s a message:

Mr. Solo-

I’m nervous.  
What if she doesn’t like me?  
What should I wear?

Her eyes widen at the picture he sends of himself in a suit. She drops the phone as if it is burning her, then marks herself with the sign of the cross, hoping she can just get through this day before she finds the strength to respond.

RN. Kenobi-

You’re overdressed.  
A clean pair of jeans and a sweater will do.

Mr. Solo-

Thank you! What about shoes?

Ben has sneakers and loafers with him. That was it. He hops she says something like that and when she responds, in what feels like a little too long, he can’t help but sound a sigh of relief. Sneakers it is.

———

Rey drops Anthony and Addy off at preschool, and she is more than thankful they love it there. Addy races Anthony in and wins each time making it more fun for her to watch them turning into big kids.

Rey turns her attention back to her phone once they’re in and texts Mr. Solo that she’s on her way.

Mr. Solo-

Great. Me too.

She must be able to sense his nerves or something, because she can imagine him already sitting in his car, just outside the orphanage. If he is there, doing exactly that, maybe she should also go pick up a lottery ticket. Her eye roll is back in full force when she pulls up and sees him sitting on the steps and waiting. Rey’s checked her mirrors a few times trying to figure out if he’s walked or driven but can’t seem to figure this situation out by herself. A question would be better to ask for sure. But did it really matter? Kind of. She wanted to understand his dedication to this little girl’s life, and why this mattered so much to him.

Rey hops out of her van and makes her way to the stoop. He took her word for his change in clothing going for some dark wash jeans that made his shoes damn near sparkle. Given the temperature in mid-March it looks like he layered a tee shirt of sorts under his heather grey knit hoodie, which she was sure made him look more like a J-Crew model than a soon to be adopting father. It was a tiny step down from the impressive suite he wore just forty-five minutes ago. 

For a moment she scrutinizes he decisions on her old black and white sweater hoodie, skinny jeans and black ballet flats. She almost thinks she should explain, but then thinks better of it.

“Good morning, Mr. Solo,” Rey tries to bat away any disturbing thoughts of her jumping this gorgeous man.

People should not be made like this, she thinks to herself. There really should be a cut off for how attractive an individual can be.

“Please, just call me Ben.” He looks just as uncomfortable as her when he asks if it’s alright to call her by her first name too. Calling her Nurse Rey out here on the street made him feel a little more like a child than he was willing to be then.

“Alright, Ben. And yes, please. Just Rey is fine,” she adds looking up at the jade colored building tucked between two older apartments

Originally the lot belonged to a small private school which was abandoned due to the area’s decline. St. Mary’s Church had intervened, picking up the property to start the orphanage in the first place. This was over fifty years ago now but to Rey, this place is home. Whether children left for their forever families or new ones came seeking shelter, all were welcome, and to be honest, she never really left.

She remembers sitting on the bench next to the old windows that looked out into the street during steady rain or snow storms, unaware of the troubles life really had out there in the real world. The kids that lived there with her were dealing with their own things, but they all knew that St. Mary’s would always be a safe zone.

Ben watches as she guides him through the building’s side door. He’s unsure of what he saw.

Rey moves through the room determined not to drag Ben through her past. The last guy she let in used it against her, and given what he’s already experienced, he didn’t need any more stress. Besides, Rey didn’t see this place as being where she struggled. These people are her family and they were all after the same thing. Love.

Care for Us is the modern turn St. Mary’s took about twenty years prior, since even older children from other religions had taken shelter. They came from all walks of life. Whether their parents could no longer take care of them or were deceased with no other living family to take over, they were given sanctuary there. It used to be Pray for Us, and something the older residents referred to it as even still. Rey, being one of them, closed the door behind them, absently touching the metal cross that hung on the wall beside it, murmuring, “Mother Mary, pray for us.”

Ben takes in his surroundings. The room they’re moving through must be a foyer or mudroom of sorts. The large space where they were just looking at on the way in had a long brown bench underneath it. It is just high enough to have storage where he can see a variety of children’s books and long baskets that he can’t honestly pretend to know what’s in there.

The walls are painted cheerfully in bright welcoming colors like, what he assumes to be peach or maybe a warm khaki color. He isn’t sure. There are pictures on the wall that the children have obviously made, framed and mounted on it making it feel more like a home.

This room gave way to a larger one. A lip separates the two, the large pieces of slate floor end and a natural wood floor brings them into what must be the main room. It’s walls are a shade of green, cheerier than the painted building itself, that draws him into look at the pictures adorning the walls to the right of them. They seem to be on every wall.

As he leans in to take a look at one in particular, he hears Rey’s voice and turns to focus on her instead.

Rey was absolutely right. Gwen is easily the tallest woman he’s ever seen, and he’s now curious to see what type of heels she’s sporting as she greets Ms. Kenobi.

“It’s always good to see you, Rey,” Mrs. Phasma is kind enough to slip out of her heels to embrace her friend.

“Always,” Rey repeats, giving her an equally sound hug.

“How are things?” Gwen asks, searching Rey’s face. Gwen was always one to know before Rey would allow herself to accept how things actually were.

“Oh, you know. Busy.”

“Finn said you’d be returning to nights?”

Of course Finn said that.

“Was he here?”

“No, dear. We talk on the regular since, well you know,” she had the wherewithal to stop herself. “I see you’ve come with someone. Is this the, ah— “

Rey nods. “He’s got a connection with her but isn't the father. It’s being researched but likely the biological father is incapable to care for the child, legally.”

“And why exactly are you here?”

“I hardly believe I need a reason to come see you, Gwen.”

“No, but you came with him... and that’s unusual for you.”

Rey nods at her friend. “He seems to need reassurance. He’s been through a lot. And, personally... I think he needs this more than I do.”

Gwen nods slightly at her offering Rey access to anything she feels comfortable exploring. “It’s Tuesday, so most of the children are in school, but you can always head up to the nursery if you’d like.”

“How many are there?”

“Only a few. Not anything more than what you’ve come to handle at the hospital, I’m sure.”

Rey smiles again at Gwen, asking her politely, not to scare the man before leaving them to it.

Ben, being left to his own devices studies the pictures hung around the room. Each of them are in color, and relatively new he thinks. Of the ones he’s seen so far, he only sees calm children. All different ages under one roof, clearly sharing in the same bond that he’s sure cannot be broken. He looks at them as if he’s in an art museum, casually following the wall into another room. It looks like an office would, a desk sits in the middle accompanied by three chairs, one on one side and two on the other. The wood looks old and tarnished, sort of like the wood underfoot. It’s closed off though, unlike the rest of the orphanage. There are no windows, presumably to keep what conversations they happen to have private. The walls are lightly colored a shade of purple; lavender if he had to guess.

Ben’s focus starts at the right wall of which he has been following seeing a matted collage of pictures framed together. Color from these are faded. In them there are children playing soccer in a dirt field. As he looks around, he notices that they are of the same people in each one. Three girls and four boys, and what he assumes to be a coach with them. Shots showed the crew doing a bunch of different activities, mostly enjoying each other’s company outside.

He seems to be drawn first to the tallest girl wondering if that’s Mrs. Phasma. She seemed to have the same features. Tall, impossibly thin, with a cheery disposition, and then his eyes followed her arms that first wrapped around a boy slightly shorter than her. He had short, dark hair and a grin that could put his own to shame. He’s goofily looking over the other boys who are fighting over a ball. Ben follows the directions they’re all looking in finding the other two girls sitting in the dirt, he assumes they’re drawing with sticks there, oblivious of the world around them. Finally, he looks at the last individual. It’s someone he knows he’s seen before. Just below her is a note: Album 6.

Ben finds himself needing this particular album. He wants to know more about the people in those photos. He’s not sure why, but he’s sure he knows some of them. Ben manages to take a few quick strides behind Gwen’s desk searching for “Album 6”. It’s faded yellow bindings tell him it’s an old one, needing special care. Ben finds himself being extremely careful with the book, sitting down at one of the chairs at her desk to find out more about them.

The first few pages are notes folded into the acetate pockets but as he comes across first photo it knocks the wind out of him. It’s Maz, in her younger years, it has to be. She’s smiling while she holds a sleeping swaddled child. She sits in a white rocking chair with only a napkin and bottle next to her. The room is sparse, but he sees the cross Rey touched on the wall just behind her. Premonition or not, he had to know if Rey was connected to her in some way.

Ben presses on, looking through each picture for something, anything. And as the pages turned, he found a picture of Maz styling a young girl’s hair in three buns; each one a little lower than the first. It was odd, but not off putting. He wonders if there’s a reason three was more important than the usual two he remembered seeing girls wear on either side of their head. It will certainly be something else he wants to ask her later. For now, he studies the book, seeing these people he doesn’t really know, grow up. He sees how different their lives are being here rather than out there on their own. It steels the presence of hope inside him. Hope for Baby Netal, who still needed a name. Hope for him. Hope for a future of firsts and happiness.

Posed group pictures start popping up throughout the book and that’s when he realizes the girl with the three buns is Nurse Rey. He swallows hard. Before he can process another thought, Gwen is there looking over his shoulder.

“That’s my favorite picture,” she says kindly.

Ben pushes his seat back, apologizing for the intrusion.

“Mr. Solo, it’s quite alright. You are not the first and certainly will not be the last. It’s why the pictures are up there with their album numbers,” she adds.

“I know someone in your pictures,” he says trying to gauge her reaction.

“Oh?”

Ben nods, “Maz Katana.” He points to her like a little boy, pushing his finger into the page.

“Ah, you know Maz? She retired years ago. Maz was a great role model here. ‘Taught a lot of us to respect life and others along the way...even if they’re lost.”

“Is that how you got involved?”

Gwen nods, “Sort of. My parents were soldiers. They both died when I was eleven. And with no family to claim me, I wound up here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. They sacrificed themselves for our freedom. They’re heroes in my book. And now I have a big extended family I never would have if they were still here.” Gwen seems steady and strong in her answer.

“So you’re all—close?” Ben asks carefully.

“Very,” she confirms. “Which brings us to your situation, Mr. Solo.”

Gwen sits down in the chair next to him and asks, “Why is this so important to you? Adopting a child that has no connection to you?”

“I am ready; I thought she was mine until I saw her,” he says, and tears threaten him all over again. “I’m not ready to say goodbye. And I’m not sure I’ll ever be.”

Gwen pulls back into her seat, nodding as she does. He can feel her eyes on him capturing his features as if they told her about his last eight months with Bazine telepathically. She finally gets up and rounds her desk to pull up her computer’s database informing him that there is another parent interested in adopting the child.

“I have to inform you of this so that you know that there is a backup plan if you can’t take her for any reason. But if this other parent receives custody, you cannot visit her, Mr. Solo. So, I am going to ask you one more time, are you sure you’re ready for this, because once you adopt her, there is no going back.”

Ben looks at her, confused by her tone. It’s as if she thinks of him like some average Joe renting a movie, only to give it back then next day. The warmth in her eyes starts to cool with every second longer he takes to respond.

“Yes! No. I would never return a child. She’s not a library book. It’s absurd that you’d peg someone, especially me for that. You don’t even know me.”

“Exactly.” She hands him some paperwork to be filled out and lets him know that by law they have to run background checks on every potential parent that comes through.

“Gwen?”

Both she and Ben turn to see Rey clenching her keys in her fist.

“Are you leaving?” Gwen asks.

“I have to. The school just called. Anthony has an accident and a fit in the bathroom about it.”

“Doesn’t he have clothes to change into?”

“He would if he didn’t proceed to run through the classroom half naked and throw his backpack in the toilet for good measure.”

Gwen side eyes Ben asking him if he’s absolutely sure.

“It’s alright. Slow down. I’m sure the office has a blanket or something for him to wear until you get there,” she tries to calm her friend.

“What?” Rey’s brow furrows at her comment and then again when she sees an album out in front of Ben. He looks adorably out of place, but refrains from saying much to that extent.

Rey lifts her hand once, waving to them individually, before heading out the door altogether.

——

He does his best to get Maz to agree to leave her house for a cup of coffee but there are two things wrong with this request. First, she is happily doing her latest puzzle on the dining room table, and secondly, coffee outside of her house is expensive, so no.

He really would have fathered not go down the street at all but there wasn’t much of a choice. Driving past his parent’s old house made him feel like a stranger to the street. He wanted to floor it, but the section of the street they lived on was a blind curve. It was suicide to go more than twenty-five around that thing to say the least.

Maz, being the kind sole she is, offered for him to park in her driveway. It would shield him, at least a little from being reminded of that mess across the lot. Of course, he jumps at the opportunity to hide. He parks his car and heads up the side deck to knock on her door, avoiding the mess completely. 

“Ah, Ben Solo. Come in! Come in, my boy. Let me start the coffee pot,” she happily moves around her kitchen table to switch it on. Her kitchen is right through the side door. Walking through it has transported him back into the fifties, less the nineties style refrigerator, everything is exceptionally old. It’s no matter to him though, being that it’s her place and if she’s happy with it, he won’t push the point.

“I don’t think, I’ve ever been in here,” he says, before pulling one of the laminated wooden chairs out from the side of her table. 

“Not recently, no,” she smiles at him. Maz places milk, creamer and sugar on the table. She follows with a few muffins, fruit and biscotti, as if she was expecting more people than just him. Next are a few plates, spoons and forks in case he needs to mix his drink or pick at the fruit.

“Maz this is very kind, but too much,” he stops talking as she waves him off.

“A lot has happened,” she can’t help the dip in her voice. “You need to eat, child. The road ahead will not be a smooth one.”

With that Ben stands to hug her, thanking her for her call. He promises that she did the right thing and that no one knew about her double life, not even him. When she can accept this, she urges him to sit and have what he wants. 

Ben can’t remember the last time he sat and talked this long to anyone. But it just seems to flow out of him here, in this safe space. His mind flies back to Care for Us, and he’s surprised to find courage in what he’s about to tell her.

“I’m going to adopt the child,” he says definitively.

Maz, who had been stirring her tea with a piece of biscotti stopped all at once. Her genuinely happy smile returns folding her wrinkles back over her face like he saw in the albums earlier that morning. She tries her hardest to hold back her happy tears but the fall fast like the summer’s rain.

“I’m so proud of you, Benjamin Solo,” she sniffs. “Will you bring her here? When she’s ready? Will you let me hold her until we both fall asleep?

Ben promises her this and so many firsts. He promises to keep her a part of this, just like she was at the orphanage.

“How do you know about that?” Maz asks curiously. 

Ben explains himself uncomfortably, wondering if he went too far in pressing for this information.

“It was my calling. I volunteered and took care of the babies left there overnight. Even back then, this town wasn’t a nice one. Many new parents were just babies themselves, and usually couldn’t think past their own needs,” Maz seems to go to a dark place in her past, only to be brought back by Ben’s clearing of his throat.

“What you’re doing, Ben... It’s admirable. I certainly wish there were more people in the world like you.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is how you show love...
> 
> (*This chapter goes over the death of a baby in the NICU. It doesn't go far into the story, but if this triggers you stop reading at: 
> 
> "She rushes down to the third room on the left where the more serious issues are held."
> 
> and start up again at:
> 
> "Rey wanted to leave, but had no one to rely on." *)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE THANK YOU TO [kaybohls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls/pseuds/kaybohls)YBOHLS! This moodboard is AMAZING. I literally cried a little seeing it this morning. <3 <3
> 
> * Thank you Elliesmeow for pointing out a tag and warning to a section in this story. I tried to keep it real, but short to reduce the stress in this story. Desperation can effect all types of people, and the parents who handle their child inappropriately cost him his life, is something very real. I was personally exposed to such a grab while in the ICU. I won't wont get into specifics due to triggers but the child was fine and the woman was addressed. This was over six years ago, and I can still see her and the move. My apologies for not tagging this sooner. I posted with every intention to but wasn't sure of the wording I should use. Thank you again for making sure this is tagged. <3
> 
> Also, I can't believe the response this story has gotten so far. It really hits home since my kids were all born prematurely. More than anything, I hope you're enjoying taking a look into my world as well as Ben and Rey's developing story. <3 <3

[](https://ibb.co/YcF9n3G)

It takes Ben about a week to secure his role as an adoptive parent. He’s received countless pamphlets through the mail that is now being forwarded to his new apartment.

Ezra and his wife, Sabine, have offered him help if he so desired, explaining that parenting is hard, especially the first year. Ben remembers the older man’s face start to pale as if he was reliving all of the scenarios their son put them through. Ben, however, is unrealistically calm with the coming changes, honestly wishing that they would be ready and home by now.

Rey has worked nights all week, stopping at the weekend. She has these off, switching her on-call status with the other head nurse, Hera, that is on when Rey is not.

Baby Netal, as they still referred to her as, is progressing wonderfully. The doctors have removed her from the Bili light, and she has been working on breathing on her own. Transitioning the CPAP mask from her has been complicated. Over the last three days she’s needed it, but the computer module showed that she was capable of time without it.

Rey kept in contact with Ben sending him pictures and updates throughout the night since he has been approved as her legal guardian. The latest of three shows her free of the CPAP mask altogether. She’s still, however, on the IV and will be until she’s capable of feeding. It’s her least favorite procedure, adding the feeding tube, but it’s necessary since Baby Netal doesn’t have the muscle memory yet to eat from a bottle.

Ben-  
That’s fantastic! Thank you so much, Rey.

Rey-  
You’re welcome. :)  
She’s almost ready to move. I can’t speculate when, but if you’re able to in the evening, I can help you with your first kangaroo time.

What in the world is kangaroo time, and why would she want to help him with it? He looks it up on his phone finding images of shirtless women holding their children. He can’t formulate the right questions to ask, so he responds casually with an, “Ok.”

Ben-  
Should I come with anything?

Rey-  
Buttoned down shirt. Something soft, like flannel. It has to open in the front. Nothing underneath.

Ben-  
Ok.

He figures she’ll just explain when he’s there.

Ben-  
Are you on tonight?

Rey-  
It’s Saturday. No. Not until Monday night.

Ben-  
On call then?

He can’t help but feel disappointed. He liked being there with Rey. He felt like he was learning something with her and encouraged with every chance he took.

Two days ago she let him open the oval shaped doors that are just large enough to put his hands through to hold her hand. It was then when he revealed his choice in names.

“Hello, Briana,” Ben whispers into the opened unit. He swallowed roughly at the sound of her name finally being vocalized.

Rey had been in and out adjusting the room to handle new arrivals. He watches just over Briana’s tiny fingers gripping his own to see Rey brace her back. She rubbed the space out but couldn’t seem to find any comfort in her administrations.

“I’ll lend you some time from my break if you could go to the drugstore and get me an Icy Hot strip while you’re out,” he hears her say to another staff member. The man nods while accepting her twenty-dollar bill discretely.

“Do you want anything else? A sandwich maybe? I can look.”

Rey shook her head saying something to the extent of needing to save what she had for diapers. “Neither of them are taking training well.”

The man nods once more, extending his hand to touch Rey’s shoulder in understanding.

“Tell me if you change your mind,” he says before leaving with his coat.

Ben’s focus returned to Briana. Her little fingers wrapped around his index tightly enough to change her deeper pigment to white as she tightened her grip. Her legs stretched and toes pointed out earnestly, desperate to reach something it seemed. He watched her tiny body move again and again finding it absolutely beautiful to see. He can’t believe how little she is and how much she works to stay comfortable.

One more bend at her knee and jerk of her legs has her make a sound from both ends. Her cry sounds like a meow of sorts until she breaks wind.

Ben smirked, leaning in towards the box again. He thinks of all of the times his mother would say, “Excuse you,” finding it absolutely appropriate to say to her then.

There’s a pang of pain that courses through him when he said it though. He hopes his mother would be proud of him in all of this. They weren’t all that close, and family was all he really wanted... but now he had one blooming right before him. One he couldn’t help but smile about.

Rey returns to her side and assess her cries as if Briana was her own child. She soothed her making cooing noises as she opened the side of the bassinet opposite Ben.

“I see she’s taken a liking to you, Ben,” Rey smiled at him.

He really likes her smile but can’t decide if he should look away from Briana or up to Rey.

“Yeah,” he confirms, moving his finger slightly.

He watches Rey as she takes her temperature with the thermometer under her armpit. She waits for it to beep before she spoke to him again.

“She’s doing well,” Rey smiles at the girl. She asked him if he thought of a name yet and when he provided it, he adds his mother’s name as the middle name too.

“Briana means strong, and my mother’s name means child of heaven. It seems like the right thing to name her, because she’s both.”

Rey smiled. He was almost sure she’d look up to meet his gaze but didn’t. Instead she leaned forward to hold his free hand a moment with her own. It’s small and is warm and comforting. In that moment, he can’t help but wish she would have stayed like that.

“I can’t look away from her while the side is open, but that is one of the most beautiful names I’ve ever heard—and I’ve been here a long time.”

A second later she let him go, fixing Briana with a new diaper, removing the soiled one, and closing the side once again. He watched as she locked it and made her way to the scale to weigh her loaded diaper before tossing it. He wondered every time why that was important but never asked.

His mind drifts back to Briana holding his hand. He wonders how much she can hear and if she can even hear him. Rey encouraged him to talk to her constantly telling him that the more he gave of himself now, the easier it would be to bond with her going forward.

Over the weekend he tries being away from the hospital. It’s hard, but he needs things. He needs a lot of things, including groceries for himself because if he eats one more take out item, he might heave from the salt alone. Maz, not being one to like to go out any more, decides to help him anyway. The trouble with going out isn’t just going out. Maz has hit her nineties which to her means uncomfortable moments she didn’t exactly want to explain to Ben. She always needs to know where the bathroom is. Even though she doesn’t use a cane, it still hurts to get in and out of vehicles, and her absolute favorite, people talk down to her because of her age. It’s amazing what society had turned into from when she was young and always connected to every age...but now? Now people don’t care the way they once did.

Ben takes Maz first to a Buy Buy Baby. The both of them look at each other when they finally make into the overwhelming shop.

“I don’t really need all of this stuff, right?” Ben asks nervously.

“No... no, Ben. It doesn’t take this much to care for a baby.” She points to a cart and he goes to retrieve it.

Their shopping experience is, well, an experience. Colorful items claiming to make the kid smarter lined the center of the isle making it hard to navigate through the store. A few items caught him off guard, too. Rockers, and cradles and some weird pod looking contraption that moved in figure eights had him wondering who buys all this stuff. Another few things he didn’t have to worry about personally were breast pumps and pads. Idly he wonders what that’s like. Is it even a question he wants answered? Of course. It’s a learning experience, he thinks.

Ben finds a parenting page that he‘s sure only women post to, describing the sensation in its entirety. Some of the posts even offered what it did for their libido and owning up to being pregnant with their next child because of it. With that, Ben’s face must be giving way to blush because he is incredibly heated and uncomfortable until they leave the section. He swears to himself that there are so many reasons to be happy he’s a man.

“Ah, yes...Here we are,” Maz points at the section they needed. “Years ago, glass bottles were all we had. Now they have ones that claim to easy colic.”

“What’s colic?”

“Something you don’t want,” Maz widens her eyes as if she could still hear the children she helped cry through it.

Ben picks up a box of six Dr. Brown’s bottles that claim to prevent it altogether.

“You might want one more of those,” Maz accepts Ben’s look, saying, “She’s going to eat every three hours when she’s home. Let yourself get through a day of dirty bottles and then clean them the following morning in your dishwasher. At least then you’ll have a few fresh ones for the next morning.”

Ben nods quickly and asks, “What else?”

They pick out a few containers of the formula she’s currently on, diapers she’s in and the size higher, a few bath items such as towels, wash cloths, and shampoo. Next, they get a pack in play, which Maz tells him, is essential. The combination crib and seat will be useful for when she grows into a crib and gives him time to rest while she’s securely snug in another place that doesn’t have to be his arms.

“She’ll grow, Ben. And they get heavy... and wiggly. When she can roll, you need to have trained her to sleep in a crib. This will do for now though.”

Maz double checks their items suggesting clothes too.

“Well, actually, I may not need so many of them,” Ben starts.

Maz looks at him like he’s crazy. “Babies need to wear clothes, Ben.”

“That’s not what I mean. I mean, there’s this girl...”

“You met someone already?” she asks raising an eyebrow to him.

“Well, ye—No. No, it’s not like that. She’s Briana’s nurse. She’s, she’s been helping us since Briana was sent to the NICU. She...” Ben pulls up the most recent picture of her caring for Briana, telling Maz her name.

He feels her aged hand cover his carefully, whispering Rey’s name in response. Maz scrunches her face as if she’s about to sneeze as she studies the picture. Her freehand comes up to discretely wipe her eyes but Ben sees this. He offers her a hug which she gladly accepts.

“I saw your picture together, when she was a baby.”

Maz nods, trying to recollect herself.

“How do you know her?”

“She was left in a side alley, Ben. I always walked the same way to work and decided on another path... and that’s when I found her.” Maz’s hands shake. “Those damned doctors in urgent care kept telling me not to get attached, like she was some stray runt.”

Maz’s story burns through him as he imagines his little girl left in her position. “How could someone do that?”

“I think you know,” Maz runs her thumb over his, not needing to get into it. “I’m glad to see she’s doing what she loves. She always did keep everyone together.”

Was that what she was doing for him? Keeping him together? Keeping them together? He couldn’t help but feel calm in her presence, even if she couldn’t stay to talk, she would still offer a small smile or a wave when he went in to see his daughter.

Briana keeps a stack of smocks Rey gave to her as hand me downs from her daughter, Addy,and he remembers the moments that lead up to accepting them.

“It made me feel like I was still with her, even when I had to leave for the day. I hope they bring you the same peace,” she said.

Rey also made mention to the sizes she still had that she could offer him as she got bigger saying:

“They aren’t small forever. They do grow, and fast.”

“Maz?” Ben asks, not entirely ready to see her watery eyes. “Do you want to come with me Monday night? Rey said she’s going to assist me with kangaroo time.”

“Yes!” He could see her emotions as they coursed through her in that answer. “Oh! Ben, I would be honored to go with you, my boy!”

——-

Monday night couldn’t come fast enough for either of them. Rey, of course, had to go in earlier to assist the staff with yet another preterm delivery due to Nurse Hera’s sudden bout of food poising. She can’t believe how many times she warned her about eating precooked fish from the grocery store in town, but the woman never seems to learn. It’s a known fact that they cook what is just about to expire so they can still make a sale. Rey thought after the first four experiences she would have figured out it wasn’t just hearsay.

Nevertheless, Rey went in to cover. Finn picked up the kids and promised that they would have fun all day. Fun with Finn means messes, lots of messes, but the kids are happy and that is fine by her. Rose overlapped shifts with her being that Rey was there in the mid-afternoon, too. But there’s no time for side chatting.

A huge barometer change overtook most of the state, which means babies will be popping. There’s no real scientific fact on this but it always seemed that drastic temperature change, the moon’s cycle, or a snow storm usually kicked out more babies than any other time of the year. Since they were coming up on the end of March, it was a good chance the snow wouldn’t affect them as much as the other two. Rey remembers two years ago and knocks on their desk twice. The first week of April dumped two feet of snow and babies were delivered all throughout. Most were healthy enough to steer clear of the NICU, but there’s always a chance during storms like that.

This morning’s round, she’s sure it was the twenty degree increase in temperature that did it—old wives’ tale or not. Her department is packed. Other rooms were constantly being checked on for space, and the three sections in Briana’s room filled up.

“We have six openings up here, if you have children that can move,” Rey’s informed by the ICU.

“Let me do my assessments and find out if Hera knew about anyone who’s moving,” she responds and she hangs up.

By some miracle Hera picks up her phone. She runs through the babies in her care telling her that there are four ready to move in the back room. Their parents have been called and will be there as soon as they can for the transfer. Two would be coming in an hour. Another could be processed now, since the mother has no way to get there until the evening. And the fourth would be moving around six.

“But we need the space now. I can’t have babies lining the halls, Hera.”

“Then call the parents and let them know,” Hera responds with a sigh.

“I know. I know this is a big thing, to move out of here... but there are so many children...”

“You don’t have to explain it. Check with Dr. Yang and ask him about the other’s that just had the tubes put in.”

“There are only two more spots and three babies on their way in.”

“I hate to say this, but maybe you can rig a machine to do split screen...”

It was the last thing she heard before the blue light flashed through the hallway within the department. Rey discards the gloves she had on while holding the phone, replacing them with new ones. She scans the hall taking in where the shouting is coming from. It’s not Briana’s room. So, who is it?

She rushes down to the third room on the left where the more serious issues are held.

“Talk to me!” Rey shouts over the alarm and panic in the room.

Parents are ushered out, and some are fighting to stay.

“Lock the door, Rose, and come back to me,” she commands.

Another nurse races to Rey’s side with a CPR mask and bag, telling her what he saw.

“The parent squeezed him, like an animal,” his voice shook as he said it.

Rey’s eyes grow wet with angry tears.

“For how long?”

“As soon as I saw it, I stopped it.”

Rey’s hands shook as she applied the mask, counting for presses between squeezing to preform rescue breathing.

“Rose, call for an x-ray team to get down here! I need to know what I’m working with.”

Rose makes the call, and lowers the blinds making the parents that sat outside the window shoot up in rage. Couldn’t they see that they did enough? She makes another call for both Mr. Mitaka and Mr. Dameron to escort them out of the hospital. And finally, she calls the police, too. It was an attempt on a life. That much she knew was true.

“Rose? How much time on the unit?”

“Ten minutes tops,” she answers.

“I don’t think we have ten minutes,” Rey mutters. “He’s going into cardiac arrest. I need you to tell me if they touched him in any other way. I need this information now!”

———

Rey’s hands don’t stop shaking throughout the rest of the day. She’s had to speak to the police, telling them what the parents did to their child in detail using three dimensional diagrams and the X-rays taken afterwards to explain exactly why their child died.

Rey wanted to leave, but had no one to rely on. Hera was out, throwing up no doubt. She would be back in a day, maybe... Unless this shit was just too much for her now. Maybe it’s why she ate those crappy flounder dishes instead of walking out.

Rey holds the white beaded rosary Maz gave to her for her graduation throughout her shift. Pressing each bead, she says the specific prayer for each one when she feels she needs it most. Rose hugs her one last time after the shift change, telling her to call if she needs to, before she goes home. Rey nods but is unsure of being completely capable of following through.

“I’ll call you then,” she says as she walks out.

Nighttime is calming, even with the stress she’s still carrying. The dimmed lighting and soft music make it easier to accept this road one step at a time.

She’s taken a seat next to Briana and opens the hatch allowing her hand to reach hers.

“You’re lucky, you know...” she sniffs. “You’ll know love in a way most won’t.”

“You know that same love, my dear,” Rey’s brow furrows, knowing that voice.

She turns her head slightly over her shoulder, still too tense to look fully behind her. Tears fill in her eyes and just as soon fall down her cheeks at the sight of Maz standing next to Ben in the doorway. She releases Briana’s hand, locks up as she does, and heads over to greet them.

“You... What are you doing here? You never come out at night.”

“Ben offered to bring me. And I couldn’t refuse knowing you’re Briana’s nurse,” she chuckles.

Rey looks up at him curiously, “How do you know each other?”

“Ben’s parents were my neighbors for a long time. Then last year he moved in their old house, and I’m sure you know the rest,” she smiles sadly.

Rey nods.

“Are you alright?” he happens to ask. His voice is deeper... sounding softer than all of the other times they have spoken.

“Hard day.” She snorts loudly trying desperately hard not to start up again.

“It can’t be that bad,” Maz takes her hand to comfort her. When she does, she finds the rosary in it.

“Have you seen the news?”

Maz and Ben confirms that they haven’t and Rey nods again, “Heaven gained another angel.”

“I’m sure you did everything you could,” Ben tries being supportive. He has no other reason not to be. She’s been there for them throughout this entire process, doing more than her share. There is no reason to think that she didn’t.

“I could have been in there making my calls, I could have stopped it...” she presses.

“No, you couldn’t have. Whatever it was, you didn’t know, dear,” Maz tries to help her calm down. She starts speaking about her times as a nurse, reassuring her that Rey can’t control everything. “Do you remember when you said that back to me?”

Rey chuckles a little, feeling awful that she’s laughing at a time like this. “Yes.”

“Tell me,” she eyes Ben. “When was it?”

“When Addy threw up ice cream all over the bus—the driver was so mad.” Her grin stretched wide, creating ripples of dimples on her cheeks. “He told me to stop rubbing it into the seats, and we had to walk home. Addy was covered in chocolate vomit and Anthony, gosh! Anthony made me carry him home. They were two.”

“And?”

“And I flipped him off saying I couldn’t stop it...I lost my bus pass after that. Not entirely worth it... But I think after the amount she left, I was getting kicked regardless.”

Ben listens to their conversation watching Rey relax into the person he’s seen her as since they met. He thinks about the time he’s known her. Even in the short time of almost a week and a half, he can’t imagine his life without her. She’s been there for him even outside of the hospital, which he’s still trying to sort out as to why. What could she possibly be gaining from him? Or trying to gain?

Ben tries to shake the thought. She’s not interested in him, she’s being professional, checking in with her patients. That’s all. He clears his throat, awkwardly gaining their attention. He can feel his eyes widening as they stare and it takes all of his focus to tear away from their gaze.

Just as he does, Rey calls after him saying, “Did you still want to do your kangaroo time?”

All he can do is nod. The tendrils he recently brushed out of his face, sweep over his cheek as he moves.

“Your smock will have to be reversed then. So,” she pauses to clear her throat, “You’ll need to take that off, and wear it like a coat.”

While her glasses tell a different story, Maz is no blind woman, and she’s certainly not deaf, yet. She pinches the bottom of Rey’s forearm, just enough to get her to look away.

“Right,” Rey slaps her hands together. “Let me get my rounds done and I’ll be ready to help you with your cuddles.”

——

It’s amazing how fast this time has gone.

“Rey said something about moving Briana soon. Does that mean she’ll be with me—us in the next level?” Ben asks Maz who is happily sitting next to him, but closer to the baby.

“No, dear. She stays here with all of the high risk, preterm babies. You’ll have to embrace a whole new style of care and get involved with some of the activities yourself.”

That’s not what he wanted to hear, and his face shows it.

“Alright, Ben.” Rey’s voice sings behind them through the doorway as she returns. She has a large yellow portable curtain with her. It’s tightly pulled in a metal frame with some ribbing to throw shadows for privacy. As she situates it around him, she makes sure to cover behind them and half of her bassinet on the other side.

“Leave the coat on your arms, and unbutton your shirt. Roll the buttons outward so she doesn’t lay on them,” Rey adds trying not to be affected by his movements.

As Ben makes it to his last button, Rey presses a bead, trying to regain her composure. Rey’s seen men do kangaroo time in the past, and there have been some good-looking fathers... but there is just something about Ben that fizzles out her cognitive thought.

“You’ll notice, her doctor is weening her off of the IV and she now has a feeding tube. We’re giving 1 milliliter by syringe through it every three hours to prep her.” Rey looks up at the clock, informing them that her next feeding is at nine. “You’re welcome to stay that long, and watch.”

Before Ben can answer, Maz cuts in confirming she’d love to but after they really did need to take her home. “I’m old getting you know.”

“Hardly, but I will give you a parting gift when it comes time then.”

“I don’t need it, Rey. I have Ben here—I’ll be plenty safe,” she winks at her as discretely as she can.

Ben can’t help but touch his throat, wondering if it bothers Briana to have it. The tube can’t possibly feel good. He wonders if this extensive care was available to him when he was a baby. He’s caught scoffing at it leaving the two of them curious about what he’s responding to.

“I’m sure,” Rey follows up.

She readies Briana, having to steady herself multiple times as she comes around the bassinet to settle the baby on Ben’s chest. While she’s situating her, she tells him that this is meant to calm both the parent and child.

“It’s hard to be away from you,” she says. “Besides us, you’re her normal life. And when she graduates, it’ll be just you and her. This bond is important.” Ben presses his lips together trying to accept what Rey is explaining while she adds a couple of white and blue striped blankets over her back to keep Briana warm.

“She’s such a little peanut,” Maz adds softly.

Ben watches Briana snuggle there. He cups her backside holding her to him and something about it is soothing. He was sure he would never know this. It’s pure love; one comforting the other.

He loves everything about this activity, and even being bare chested in Rey’s space is comforting. It’s certainly not what he expected at all. Suddenly he’s hit with exhaustion. Ben can’t seem to come to terms with what it is about this that is making him so tired but there he is fighting the urge to drift off to dreamland.

Rey nods to Maz, promising she would be back to catch up with them, before leaving from view.

Several things needed to be done, including finishing Briana’s birth certificate, social security card, and other legally important documents every child has to finish before leaving. While she still technically had a few more days with them, she feels it’s he duty to see the rest of this through for him.

The offices at night are usually cleared from the civil service workers, which is fine. She wonders what it’s like to have a regular nine to five job since this occupation has her worse for wear. Maybe , she thinks, maybe it’s time to look into it.

By the time she gets back she sees Maz happily hold the baby. She figures he must have fallen asleep...Sure enough, she’s right. His head and mess of a mop hangs over the back of his chair. The only other indication that he’s sleeping, besides his eyes being shut, are the slightly longer breaths that he’s allowing from his lips.

Rey presses another bead, thanking the Lord for Maz.

———-

Wednesday comes too fast and there she is with Rose after dropping her kids off at preschool with a child size light pink graduation cap. Finn found a shop online that sells them. He even found one that makes embroidery patches and got them to customize a piece saying: “I Graduated From The NICU” on it. She could not be more excited to see him this morning.

Rey texted him the night before making her giddy as a school girl. She found herself telling him she has a surprise for him. Briana moving is it, the cap is an added bonus, and something about it is making her uncomfortable, too.

“If I didn’t know any better, Rey,” Rose fidgets with her lanyard.

Oh, here it comes.

“I’d say you like this guy,” Rose smirks.

“I don’t need the talk, Mom, if that’s where this is going,” Rey teases her friend’s inquiry.

“Oh! So, you aren’t deflecting! Finn and I went on and on about this last night, and you do, don’t you?”

“Rose.”

“You do! I know you do!” Rose flutters her eyes, “I am getting that steak dinner to-night!”

“Those were the spoils, eh?”

“That or a bag of caramel m&ms. I think I got the better deal.”

“I don’t know if I can agree...”

“Yeah, alright, Ms. Chocolate...” Rose murmurs trying to keep her voice down as they round the corner to find the elevators. “So?” Rose continues.

“So what?”

“What are you going to do about it.”

“There’s not much to do. He’s my patients’ father and within the hour they won’t be. I’ll never see him—them again.”

“But he has your number.”

“No one ever calls after they leave me—here. Rose, this little... whatever it is, will end. And he won’t remember me.”

Rose holds Rey’s hand as they near her final moments with her baby and her crush.

Ben is by the door when they arrive. He hasn’t gone in as she asked. He offers an awkwardly soft hello as the space between them diminishes.

“Hi Ben,” Rey’s voice betrays her. “I—we...” She grips the corner of the cap a little tighter.

It’s enough of a movement to catch his eyes as he connects with the little pink cap.

“Is she? Are we done? Is that why you wanted to meet this morning?”

Rey nods. “She’s moving up.”

“So I won’t see you anymore?”

“Not here at least.” Rey tries her best to swallow the rising pain she feels in her gut. “But it’s a good thing, you know...it means she’s living up to her name. She’s safe now... just one step closer to home.”

Nurses on duty meet them outside of the NICU, readying her to ride the elevator to the third floor. “Ready?” one asks.

Ben pushes off the hallway wall. It’s all he can do to show he’s ready. Everything was perfect under Rey’s care. Leaving now damn well breaks him. The thought that he’ll never see her again is terrifying.

“Yes,” Rey offers softly.

“What’s with you today?” the other nurse asks. “This is a happy time.”

Rey agrees, extending her hand to Ben’s. She looks up at him admitting to him and everyone within earshot, “It’s bittersweet.”

———

The Intermediate Care Unit is different. It’s smaller than the NICU, that much he can tell, having only two large rooms that he can see at least. Briana is taken to the main room that is an open L-shape. There, babies line the room, some are in the closed bassinets like Briana, while others are in much smaller carriers that look like plastic rectangular buckets. Some are propped up, while others are securely set flat. All have the same monitors attached to them as Briana does, and she’s of the very few being weaned off the IV hookup.

He should feel a sense of calm, but stands in the doorway taking in this change.

To the far right there’s a space where they have a large square table, where they must do procedures if they have to. Ben cringes at this. Next to it is a sink with hot and cold pedals beneath it, that he can only imagine, are as old as this wing. The back wall has stacks of premade formula in tall bottles, he’s sure he’ll have to learn how to use, but for now he feels someone push him to the side without excusing herself.

Great, he thinks. It’s a split second more before he hopes they don’t treat his daughter like that. It fills him with rage he’s sure he needs to figure out how to contain. Maybe it’s just an emergency. Maybe he’s being emotional. Maybe it’s just because it isn’t Rey. He tenses again at the thought.

“Are you coming in?” A man’s voice cuts through his thoughts. At Ben’s delay, he suggests Ben waits outside, but doesn’t tell him why.

He rather wait. Whatever they are going to do, they can do in front of him. His fatherly instincts puff up his pride. He’ll sit and wait until they’re done to go see his girl.

That’s a mistake.

Wednesday is her fourth day cycle, which means they have to change the IV. Her screams are too intense to deal with. He tries covering his ears, promising her that it’s going to be okay.

“As soon as they’re done, I’ll hold you and it will all be okay.” Ben can’t help the way that he rocks in the chair he’s found in their open office setup. He’s sure he could take any other form of torture over her screams.

She cries even after the IV is replaced. Ben is allowed in after he scrubs up there too.

“If you touch your phone, you can’t touch her unless you wash up again,” the nurse that shoved him earlier, says to him as he makes it to Briana’s bassinet.

He hates it here already. Has he mentioned that? If not, he tells himself again.

Her stay in ICU has Ben more hands on getting to hold Briana more often, which is exactly what he needs. Every three hours she’s fed through the tube, which he can deal with until her third day. The nurse handling her tells him that she’ll be learning to feed with the bottle now.

That’s terrifying.

Watching the nurse is scary enough. She goes through her motions, walking him through taking her temperature, which he has to do a couple of times. He can feel her eyes on him, judging these small failures, as if he needed her to. Next, he has to do her diaper. Of all the things he wishes would happen on their own without his help, this is one of them.

“H-how do I?”

“Front to back.”

His face burns awfully. And then he hears her. Rey...

“This is how you show love,” he’s sure he’s imagining her voice until the nurse besides him backs away. Her hand is at the small of his back guiding him back in towards the bassinet. He watches her carefully, as if she’s a dream, ready to vanish at any moment.

“What are you—

“You can do this, Ben. I’m right here.” Rey hands him a new diaper, directing him as they go. A warm damp gauze is used to wipe her, and he situates the tiny diaper to fit her snugly. “It has to be, or she’ll wet the bed.”

It’s only been five minutes with her, and he feels so much more confident doing this. She sits next to him helping him prop Briana up in his left forearm, showing him how to hold the bottle properly with his right, between his thumb and index finger.

“You want to give her a little ‘give’. Let her take it at her own speed. Holding the bottle in place will only frustrate her.” She says as she sits forward assisting him with a napkin under her chin.

Rey continues to guide him through the feeding process, giving him helpful hints, turning the bottle just so to remind her it’s there, and slightly nudging the underside of her chin to remind her to suck, are two major skills he needs to know. Formula has managed to get nearly everywhere, and it’s frustrating.

“She may be tired. It’s okay. She doesn’t have to eat all of it yet. She has a whole hour to take the feeding.”

The feeling of Rey’s hand on his forearm is enough for Ben to relax. Not even Bazine had that power over him.

“What now?” Ben manages to ask.

“Now, we need to burp her. She’s too small to go over your shoulder, so she’ll have to sit up.”

Rey offers her hands out in front of her, asking if she can show him first. God, he’s glad she does. Sitting up Briana is one of the scariest things he’s seen so far, besides the IV replacement of course. Briana moves like a rag doll and it makes him want to vomit.

Rey nudges Ben’s leg with her own, asking for a napkin, just in case, and he’s almost sure his brain short circuits. Napkin? What’s a napkin?

Rey sits Briana up, her left-hand cradling just under her bottom lip, she says, “Make sure when you do this your palm is on her chin. Not her neck. Lean her slightly forward and pat her back with your right.” The pats she administers sound like they’re harder than they should be, and Ben’s eyes widen in horror.

“Are you hurting her? Doing it like that?” He can’t help the pitch his voice is startled into.

“No. I’m not.” Rey stops to pat him with the same force, and he stills. “After she burps, I’ll pat your back so you can hear the same sound if you’d prefer.”

“You don’t have to do that,” he tries to control his creeping smile.

“Then you trust me?”

Briana belches loudly, making Ben press his lips together, assuring her that he does with a cautious bob.

“Good.” Rey says, offering Briana back to him, “Try feeding her again.”

——-

They try all throughout the hour to feed her when she finally gets through her ounce. Both of them still sit next to each other, and Ben watches Rey hold his daughter. It feels so natural he doesn’t want this time to end.

He wonders how she knew he was there, and finally asks her about it.

“I might be keeping tabs on you.”

“Tabs?” He can’t help but smirk.

“Healthy tabs,” Rey lets a giggle slip.

The sound of it warms his soul.

“If you’d text me more often, I wouldn’t have to,” Rey adds softly. “Just, tell me you’re alright, okay?”

———

It takes three weeks to master feeding and keeping her temperature steady enough to enjoy the open bassinet. Maz crocheted two thick blankets for her, one is a multicolored blue and purple ombré yarn, and the other is a multicolored due to using two strands at the same time. She liked it best because it looks like sprinkles on an ice cream sundae. Maz made sure to add that Rey would ‘get it’ when she sees it.

He’s informed that he needs to bring in the car seat and watch three videos: one on SIDDS, shaken baby syndrome and the other is CPR, which he has no concept of how to do at all. The shaken baby video is horrifying. He’s not exactly sure what he said to the nurse, but he can’t help himself. It’s bullshit that it happens and has scared him far past recognition. The SIDDS video doesn’t exactly help either. Just the fact that he could fall asleep and not know she rolled or something, scares the rest of the shit right out of him. CPR? Maybe Rey could teach him, so he isn’t so scared? Maybe she would. She’s been there for him for so many other things... why not that too?

Ben pulls out his phone contacting her immediately.

Ben-  
Is this a good time?  
Can I call you?

Rey-  
FaceTime.

Ben-  
Now?

Rey-  
Yes.

Ben calls her right away, explaining himself and apologizing all at once.

“Slow down. Slow down, Ben.”

It’s all he can do to catch his breath.

“I know those movies are terrible, but... people are dumb. Plain and simple. We have to show parents to be the part of society that teaches them that you will have stress and you will have to handle situations you never thought you would.”

“Can you help me?”

Rey takes in his concern, matching it with her own. “Yes, Ben. I’ll always help you. I’m always reachable, and I’ll always do my best to help you. You don’t have to do this alone.”

———

By the end of the week Ben receives a surprise call from the hospital letting him know that Briana will be going home today. The news is stunning, exciting and terrifying all at once.

“O-okay! What do I need to do?”

“Make sure your base is secured in the backseat of your car and come to the ICU to get her. Everything else is here. Maybe bring an empty bag so you can collect her things too.”

After the call, he calls Rey immediately. She picks up and it looks like she’s already there.

“Did you change hours?”

“Oh no, I was on call and was called... Everything is fine, what’s up?”

“Briana’s coming home today—“

“Oh, Ben! Congratulations! Oh, I’m so excited for you!”

Ben manages a tight smile. “Will you be there?”

“Of course I will! I’ll see you off. I promise. Just text me when you’re here and I’ll use my break,” she smiles kindly at him.

“Alright,” Ben confirms before he hangs up and calls Maz to let her know too.

As much as she would love to be there with him, she avoids going out not wanting to give much about the specifics. Her bladder has been failing her, leaking whenever and as often as it pleases, and standing has clearly not helped her in any way.

“Come over when you can, Ben, but not too soon. She needs her first set of shots and all of that before she can really be out and around people,” she says over the phone. “Just promise me, promise me you’ll call just to talk? Starting this new routine will be hard, Ben. But parenting is worth it. I promise it’s worth it.”

——-

Unlike all of the other times he’s been to the hospital to visit Briana, this time feels a little cooler. The warmth from each of the front desk’s attendants greet him slightly, or not at all. This isn’t really anything that should bother him as much as it does, but it bites a little. It’s as if they’ve shut him off from their care. He hopes, no, prays to God Rey isn’t like that.

Ben taps out a few texts letting her know he’s here and she replies:

Rey-  
Great! See you soon!

Maybe it was just his nerves. Maybe the staff were just having an off day... Maybe that was it. Except, it doesn’t seem to be it. Rey isn’t there waiting for him like he dreamt she would be. The thought that maybe he’s going to miss her stabbed him in the chest. He pouts and presses the bell to be let into get his daughter—the only one he’s sure that will ever matter to him again.

The nurse discharging Briana moves at a lighting fast pace, giving him access to everything they had opened for her. Desitine tubes, preemie a sized diaper sleeve, all of her clothes that Rey left in a bin under the counter behind Briana’s bassinet with a pink envelope taped to it. He can barely read it at the angle he’s at, but he thinks it has to be from Rey too.

Was she even going to come at all?

“I’m going to need to bring some of this down and out to my car before she can come with me, is that okay?”

“Yes of course,” she replies sweetly. “Tell me when you’re done, I have paperwork to go over with you before you can ride off into the midday sun.”

Ben shook his head.

“I’d have said sunset, but this neighborhood is messed up at night, and—it’s the afternoon so... midday made more sense.” The girl rambles enough for him to actually stop and look at her. She’s the nurse that he met initially. What the hell is she doing up here, he wonders.

“Let me get you a pass to park in the front where the pick-ups go, before you go so, you’re not hauling her to the garage.” Nurse Kaydel signs off on an orange card for Briana Solo’s ride to wait there.

During the hike to bring everything down and back to the car, he’s sure he would see her... but doesn’t. Ben fights back the tears that threaten him as they did when he found out about Bazine’s betrayal. Maybe it’s just all women. Maybe he just never deserves happiness, he plants the terrible thought in his mind. It creeps its way through the memories of her, all of her kindness, selflessness... everything she’s done to be there for him... until he’s just as cold as everyone else.

Ben offers the ticket to the security officer in the booth, letting him know he’d be down soon and out of his way. He takes hurried strides to get back to Briana so they can just leave, and again, he does not find Rey. Does she even want to see him?

Briana is fastened into her five-point harness. Her car seat makes her look so much smaller than she is, to him at least, but she’s safe and he knows it. It’s finally time to go. Each step makes him panic. I’m on my own, he repeats to himself.

But he’s not.

As the doors swing open it reveals Rey holding a pink, ‘It’s a Girl!’ mylar balloon and something else tucked in the same arm. Next to her is Rose and a man he hasn’t met yet, Finn, holding silver foil containers of what he assumes is food.

“Congratulations!” Rey quietly squeals. Her grin is impossibly wide.

“Oh my God, what a peanut!” Finn exclaims.

“Finn,” Rose rotates he face slowly to face his, “It is quiet time on this floor!” she whisper shouts at him.

“I can be happy for the guy.”

“Can you be happy quieter?”

Ben stands in the doorway dumbly. He didn’t expect this. Of all of the scenarios that went off in his mind, her kindness was not one of the ones he chose to rely on.

Rey takes a few steps forward to guide him out with his free hand. “Come on big guy, you worked for this.”

Ben does his best not to melt when she regards him as such.

“See? I told you,” Rose mouth’s to Finn as they follow the two into the elevator. Rose tries to hide a squeal and fails, having to blame it on something totally unrelated.

“I thought you weren’t going to come,” Ben addresses Rey.

She squeezes his hand once to reassure him, saying, “I told you I would. You’ll never have to question me—I’ll always be here for you.”

“Always?”

“All you have to do is call.”

After the car is packed with food on the floor on one side, the baby safely inserted in to the base on the other, her balloon is tucked in his trunk so there are no distractions while he drives home, and now an oddly shaped book Rey’s placed on the front seat is now beckoning him to look at it. Later, he thinks.

Ben thanks everyone and says his goodbyes, but Rey is the hardest to say goodbye to even though she’s reminded him time and again that this isn’t goodbye. He can’t help but hold her hand a little longer.

“You’re going to do great, Ben,” she says as he brings himself to let go of her. He gives her a hug and a simple thank you, that meant the world to him to say, is all he can give back to her in this moment.

It’s time to go. He can’t wait any longer, so sits down in his driver’s seat checking back at the mirror to check on Briana before they make their way home. As they go, he watches Rey stand with her arm stretched to him.

She waves at them until he’s entirely out of view and feels an incredible pain shoot through her. She’s sure that she’s about to handle yet another heartbreak, and he wasn’t even hers...


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Let me help you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to [kaybohls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls/pseuds/kaybohls) She is a master moodboard maker! This chapter has two because I love them both! Also, did you know she writes? If you haven't read her work, take some time an check out her fics. I am absolutely loving Stardust <3
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you're enjoying this story as much as I am. Chapter 6 is in progress, hopefully posted early next week <3

[](https://ibb.co/HFBZhm9)

[](https://ibb.co/pQcVW83)

First of all, the ride home is terrifying. Ben has stopped twice, once in a deli parking lot, and the second at CVS, trying to make sure she wasn’t folding in on herself. As he learned in the ICU with Rey, when she’d pop in to give him guidance, even though Briana looked like she had extra skin around her neck she didn’t. He remembers being freaked out by the sight of this optical illusion when she’d snuggle into her bed. There were so many times he thought she was choking herself with it there. Now being in the car seat, he thought that if her head leaned forward, she might have similar problems breathing too.

Nerves. It’s all just nerves. Horrible, obvious, terrible nerves.

Of course, it doesn’t stop there. When he gets home, he sits in his parked car for far too long trying to figure out what he needs to do first. “Turn off the engine, got that. Get baby. Wait. No. Get baby and unlock door. How am I going to unlock the door? Wait. Get out. Lock car. Unlock door. Go back to car, get baby, go inside. Yes.”

Ben turns to do exactly that, but his nerves get the better of him and he gets her first. “This was not the plan,” he says now at the door struggling with the keys. “Not the plan...” he repeats himself for good measure. Maybe he would listen to himself if he said things out loud. Yes. That’s it. That’s what’s going to help.

Now that he’s inside with her, he stands in the middle of his living room trying to figure out what to do next. The car seat hangs from his forearm, getting exceedingly heavy as he formulates a plan. Why did he come in this room again? 

“I can’t leave you here. That’s dangerous,” he finally says remembering his packed car. Those damned movies are still fresh in his mind. But then he snaps back to the present, knowing that this could have been so much easier if he had people to help.

He considers asking Ezra, or Sabine... but decides against it, reminding himself that he’s the father now and a man should be able to handle this. He looks down at his little peanut, still secured tightly in her harness. She still hasn’t opened her eyes yet, so he assumes she’s trying to sleep.

“Listen,” he whispers, popping the harness and struggling to get her out. “You need to help me, little one.”

He continues to have problems trying to get her out of the car seat until he finds the lever under the thin layer of padding near her feet. It takes him a few times, openly cursing at the seat when he pulls the wrong strap making the harness a little tighter on her. When he sees this, he realizes that they’re all connected and pulls the harness instead this time.

Her arms feel like twigs between his fingers. He can’t help but want the day to come where she feels more like a baby and not a Mrs. Potato Head.

Everything about going in and out of the apartment with her in tow makes him nervous. Hell. Everything is contributing. A few times he has to remind himself he’s not really in that bad part of town Rey mentioned, but it’s not like people are quarantined to it. The could leave if they wanted. His senses heighten with every breath he takes, trying to shield Briana from anyone that could pass by. Ben’s at a disadvantage though, and he knows it. His mind races through all of the awful things that could happen in the time it takes him to cross the small patch of grass between his front steps and where his car is parked in the small strip of a driveway. Ben tries controlling himself enough to open the back door to get the first container of food. Four trips at least... he thinks. No, no. There’s five. Five steps. Maybe more than that, actually.

In and out he went, cursing the food containers as a few buckled and poured juices onto his shirt and all down his arm. It is just one more thing he has to figure out with her he sighs. The last few things he retrieves are the balloon from the trunk, and the album he left in the front seat. Ben just barely managed with the container of clothes, dropping it a couple of times before he finally figures out, he can grip it by the handle to pull in.

Just as soon as they made it inside, he remembers he’s left the car door open. Of course, ...

“Come on!” His shout startles her enough to open her eyes and glare at him. Though, Rey did say she can’t really see him yet, she still can stare. Ben looks down at Briana as her dark blue eyes make him wonder if they’ll change. The color is just so captivating. Never in his life had he seen blue eyes darker than the sky’s color. 

Briana puckers her lips and attempts to stretch, kicking him hard in the ribs for having little chicken legs. The force of it makes him jump and admit he deserved it for waking her. He’s surprised by her strength though. Maybe she is strong enough to be home.

Ben does his best to try to calm down. It’s just a door, and it’s his fault for leaving it open. Once he’s focused enough to go outside one last time to shut the car doors, he does, making every last effort to remember not to lock his apartment door. It’s a successful run. Not only is he able to keep himself from being locked out of his apartment, he also managed to lock the car doors before closing it. The only other thing of value he had in there was the eighty-dollar car seat base that he would hate to have to buy again.

Their afternoon is slow. So slow. Time pretty much stopped moving. The only positive thing he can think is at least it’s not going backwards. There are no sounds of the NICU or ICU to startle his attention elsewhere. No movement besides their own in his quiet apartment...nothing to remind him that time still moves forward except for his digital clock in his bedroom that he hasn’t yet bothered going to. All he can do is stare at this new life that is home with him. He struggled to get here and now? Now he’s terrified of her.

Briana make so much more noise than he remembers. Maybe it was the ambience in the hospital that offset it. Maybe she wasn’t strong enough to make them while he was there but whatever the case, she is doing it now. He almost swears she’s having trouble breathing. Can they really get sick five minutes after coming home? He wonders. That seems ridiculous.

She doesn’t seem hot, but he aggravated her anyway trying to find out if she has a temperature. The first try with the thermometer gives him an error message, by the third he’s making her upset but getting a close enough reading to gauge that she’s okay in terms of the possibility of a fever.

Good.

Good. Good. Good.

So why does it sound like she’s rolling spit or something in the back of her throat? He checks her nose for hard boogers but can’t see much since her nostrils are so small, he’s sure not even a q-tip stick could sweep it out. Not that he’s stupid enough to try, but it’s not like her nostrils are big enough anyway.

Ben picks up his phone and thinks of that damned store. Maybe people sis needs all of that stuff for their sanity, but there is no way he’s going there now to find an item to help her. Not now at least. Now, he would infuriate her with saline spray.

The first puff went in like a charm. Briana doesn’t think so though. She screams like he bit her nose off. What the hell? It is just water, he thinks. 

“She is angry. That is anger,” he repeats to himself. 

Her face is bright red, her face is turned into an angry scowl as she screams. He’s sure if she knew swear words a slew of them would come out instead. The thought of her angry baby face screaming profanities makes him chuckle, but he’s smart enough to stop to handle her.

Soothing her is hard. She’s been pushed into a full cycle of wetting herself which sets off Pavlov’s theory, needing a bottle after every soiled diaper. Briana only screams more.

“What?!” he questions her, his voice is just softer than a shout.

The sound of his booming voice stirs her up more.

“It was just water.” He says stressing the fact that he’s just trying to take care of her. Ben sprays himself and agrees that it sucks. “Don’t get boogers and we won’t have to do this.”

Logical thought isn’t working, so Ben puts the spray down promising he doesn’t have it anymore.

“All done, okay?”

Not okay.

Ben picks up his phone trying to FaceTime Rey, but she doesn’t answer.

“Working. She’s just working. I still mean something. She’s just working.”

It finally occurs to him to check the yellow changing line in the diaper. Maybe she peed.

“Would I pee if I was startled? Dogs do... I think. Maybe she did.”

Sure, enough she did. He thinks of Rey and pretends she’s there, telling her that he hates this part of it.

“I feel like I’m violating a private place.”

The vision of Rey only regards him quietly.

“Is it different with yours?”

He wishes his imagination would add anything. Anything at all, but then she disappears. The second she does he realizes Briana’s peed again. Ben can almost hear Rey laugh, telling him he needed to cover her faster. All of a sudden, he remembers her telling him the cold air makes them go.

Ugh.

It’s only been an hour since he brought in the food from the car and he can’t remember if he ever got it to the refrigerator. It doesn’t matter though. All that matters is figuring out what to do to make her stop screaming. 

“Discharge papers. Where are those?”

Briana’s so loud and turning that dark red that scares him enough to pick her up again.

“Is she wet?” He tries to follow that thought again.

He taps the pads of his fingers on her onesie feeling for the problem.

“How did you soak yourself?” he asks her while sighing heavily. “Now I have to change you again...like... all the way.”

Parenting is exhausting. He’s only been on his own for a couple hours and he’s really seeing that now. Undressing and redressing Briana makes him feel like an idiot at first and then a damn champion. She might be swimming in that onesie and layered fleece footie pajama, but he freaking did that. Zipping the zipper all the way up and buttoning the safety fabric across the neck of it made him feel like he owns his world.

Sure, she’s scary to hold, and makes a lot of noise, but they have clothing down! Next up is temperature and bottle. In that order because he completely forgot it was supposed to happen before the diaper. It’s easier... for some reason it’s easier. Maybe she’s too tired to give a damn now, but she’s not struggling with him when he does it.

Finally, it’s time to eat. Ben’s always been good at math and conversion rates, it’s part of the reason he’s in an office now instead of following his childhood dream of being a physical therapist. It’s probably better he didn’t. Seeing Rey over the short time that he knew her, the stress from her job made her look like she was drowning in everyone else’s pain. Like her, Ben lived for success, the idea of it anyway. He loved the way he’d get his adrenaline going, ready to take that leap of faith into the next venture. So many times, he felt the fall before it came, like a sixth sense. He just knew enough to stop and walk away. It’s no different here, trying to breakdown an ounce of water to be the proper amount Briana would need mixed with a scoop of formula powder.

Today is not the day for it.

Instead, it’s the travel bottle’s turn. Here it comes to save the day! Ben has no problem singing this to himself. No one’s watching. Except Briana...but she wasn’t really watching. She can’t see him...right?

Feeding her is a whole different story now at home too. He can’t figure out where to sit but picks the couch he got off of Craig’s list that he is dying to burn. It was a mistake. One of millions he is sure he’ll make in his lifetime. The black pleather couch has a fucking hole in the back that was not described in the listing. And buyer be damned if he tries to track down the seller only to find they deleted their account.

He reminds himself that he’s not that kind of person. He didn’t need karma to keep taking out other people’s bad decisions on him. The good news about it is that there’s nothing living in it.

Once Briana’s got a steady rhythm, sucking down her formula, Ben hears his phone start ringing. The vibrating sound startled his daughter, but she quickly resumes her feast. If he jostles her at all, he’ll have to go back to square one. He doesn’t want square one. If anything, he wants square ten. Ten being the best daddy he can be, of course, where there are no more problems at all. Just the thought of being anything less bothers him. He looks at Briana tucked carefully in his arm, thinking about what Maz said and then Rey, and he promises her that she’ll never know Rey’s life.

———

Rey puts down her phone, trying not to feel desperate to see him again. It’s only been a few hours... and he did call, so maybe he needed something, maybe she isn’t being ridiculous. Just...responsible. That’s it. Yes. Responsible.

During the rest of her early start went easily, she handles her usual rounds like a drone. Lulls throughout the night has her sitting next to the next baby in Briana’s old space, using the chair he did, trying to refill their void. Coworkers didn’t seem to notice but Rey knew, and so did this new child—only because she outed herself to him.

Baby Lucas is an unusually calm baby. There are no records of a poor pregnancy, the mother is just as surprised as many who deliver early. In fact, she said that this happened with other pregnancies which had her believing she wasn’t supposed to carry full term. Some women just don’t, but she has no personal experience with this.

Nurses that night handled vitals and even though they were at full capacity, the time went smoothly. It’s certainly a change from what it has been. It gives Rey time. Too much time. She reflects on the incident still fresh on her mind. It’s not like she really got away from it. It’s not like it happened in some other facility or the park or something. It happened right here in her unit. The very one she’s head nurse of. The more she thinks about it, the worse she feels. Babies have passed for other reasons, but this... in all her years she’s never experienced anything like this.

On her downtime she finds the courage to leave the NICU for her break, telling a handful of staff members that she’ll be in the rectory, promising that she’s alright, and would be back soon.

——-

Briana has had an interesting feeding cycle. She ate that bottle like she’s was never going to see food again. But, now with a full belly, she’s snuggling peacefully as Rey had taught him, on her belly, on his chest. Clothed since they’re home. It would be weird unless it’s the summer, or with Rey, right? Would it still be weird? He doesn’t know, but something about snuggling as they were makes him feel calmer.

Briana keeps trying to snuggle with her face down and it’s keeping Ben from the comfort this activity is supposed to provide. He keeps checking and dropping his shoulder so that gravity repositions her head instead of making him rotate her head manually. It just seems safer. His hands, which he’s never really associated with being massive, just...look unrealistically large next to her tiny body.

This works though.

Besides his obvious discomfort with moving her, he also can’t get over that soft spot, and putting a hat on her is out of the question. It’s too scary, thinking of it has him right back to not wanting to touch her head.

Putting her in the pack n play doesn’t seem to be going very well either. Why did she like the box? She could lay on her own there, all day in the hospital. She didn’t seem to need any extra fussing but being home is different. She seems to be constantly searching for him as soon as he puts her down.

Ben takes this time, holding her to him in one arm, and fidgeting with his phone in the other. It’s then when he sees that he missed Rey’s call. Ben perks up, forgetting his issues, and tries her again.

No answer.

Instead of leaving a voicemail, he opts for a text instead.

——-

The rectory is just as quiet as the NICU at this time of night. Due to being part of a hospital, and not a church, the room is about the size of a small conference room, the walls are beige, a few potted plants that she assumes are fake, sit in the corners towards the front of the room. A stained-glass window of the holy trinity is centered on the furthest wall and back lit for an added ambiance. In front of it is a table with battery operated flickering candles secured in place with long red covers that have always reminded her of the plastic cups they used at a pizzeria he’s been to in the past. Instead of pews the room is lined in one centered section with blue cushioned seats. They would be inviting but right now, the space she needs is right in front of the table.

Rey makes a donation and turns on a candle, then precedes to kneel at the bench. When she was younger, Maz taught her to pray, that religion will help steady her. She explained that people come from all different backgrounds, facing all types of problems, and that her story wouldn’t have been given to her if the Lord himself didn’t believe that she could handle it because she believes. Her journey has been a test. Test after test, Rey always did her best to get right back up and meet her challenge head on. But this? She can’t seem to shake it. It calls to her and she doesn’t know how to answer. It’s not like she can do much either, he’s gone, there isn’t really away for her to save him. 

Unfortunately, she knows that being at work is limiting her healing. Being here, surrounded by these four walls—this is a start.

In the presence of this healing place, Rey asks for guidance. She shows her memories as if the sequence was never seen. She shows who she’s been after. Everything that has been affected by the devastating loss, how it’s affected her family life and rocked her to her core. She believes that he knows, that he’s walked with her during this time, but she still feels alone.

“I just... don’t know what else to do...” she whispers.

——-

Food.

“Briana ate. What about me?”

Ben leaves his living room through a wide double doorframe wondering what was there. He has to jog his thoughts to get back to why he left the living room in the first place. 

Food. 

He looks around his kitchen, now that he’s in it, he doesn’t see it as outdated, only as a temporary tool for this time in his life. Tile seems to be everywhere. The floor has some faded orange and white ceramic design going on in it, which match the backsplash behind the stove and sink. Ben feels like he’s losing his mind taking in an account of the decorations in the kitchen, where as he’s really only come in for food. Refrigerator... where is the refrigerator? A few seconds later he’s found the off white, sort of cream-colored unit. Yes!

Ben opens the door with his daughter still held protectively against him. He’s pleasantly surprised that the food did make it to the fridge. Popping the corner to the first, he can’t believe what he sees. Lasagna—his favorite! Now he’s intrigued... Ben sits inside the door, propping it open with his bent knee, interested in finding out what else they’ve made. The second container is filled with sausage and peppers, the third is some eggplant looking dish, and the fourth is a fruit salad with cut watermelon, mixed berries, grapes and a note to have it with yogurt.

“Did they put yogurt in there?” he asks out loud, pealing back the lid he finds it in the center inside a Tupperware bowl. “Of course, they did.” He wonders who did what and is so overjoyed about it that he finds the strength to get up and put Briana down in her chair.

The chair. Why didn’t he think of the chair? She snuggled right in that fleece wrapped contraption after he buckled her in and she freaking went to sleep, like it was nothing. Right now, the chair is his favorite tool. He grins as he nearly flies back into the kitchen to reheat a good portion of his favorite dish. While that’s going, he grabs a bowl for some fruit for after, and an iced tea he bought before they came home. Yes, he thinks, everything is going to be okay.

——

Ben never thought he was a light sleeper until this past week. Briana makes so many sounds. If she’s awake, there’s a hundred different sounds for that. If she’s sleeping in the pack ‘n play, there’s more grumbling, rolling of boogers or spit or some sounds that he’s sure babies shouldn’t make at all.

No sleep is awful. Some sleep is just down right mean, but no sleep has him wondering what time of day it is, all the time. Ben’s not even sure what day it is. Multiple times he’ll look at his phone, right at the day and the number on the calendar app and it does not compute. The only thing that gets his attention is the little red dot over his messenger icon, or the one over his phone icon signifying he has missed a call.

He’s missed every call Rey’s left, almost purposely so that he can play it over again when he needs it most. Her voice is calming and curious. She sounds hopeful but sad, he thinks. He’s able to respond to her messages though. Some that she sends him are silly memes about no sleep and showering in bathing suits like she does, and meaningful ones that he’s sure she makes just for him... just for his situation. The latest is a picture of him walking out of the ICU with Briana in her car seat saying: Believe in each other. The picture has since made it to his phone’s background and the one of her holding his daughter with Maz beside her is his secondary screen. Never in his life has he felt such a strong connection with another person and hopes to keep this friendship, or whatever it is to her, burning for a lifetime.

As time passes, he’s eaten everything in the fridge, even after being so frugal with it, he knew there would be a point where he’d have to figure out the grocery shopping. The problem with time though is that there is never a good time, and how in the world was he going to take Briana out to the grocery store? That place is a breeding ground for bacteria, he’s sure of it... But they have to figure it out since he’s all but licked the containers clean and picked at dry cereal. If he eats another piece of toast, he’s sure he’s going to breakdown.

Not a second later Ben’s phone pings. He rushes at full speed to get back to the phone on his couch. If she messaged him, she’s got to still be there.

Rey-  
How’s home life?

Ben-  
Okay.

He lies. Rey shouldn’t know this is hard and frustrating.

Rey-  
I’m coming over.

Ben-  
What? No... you can’t. It— I haven’t cleaned.

Rey-  
Knock knock.

Maybe she’s just kidding but then he hears her pound the door.

Mother—

Part of him is thrilled he won’t be alone but terrified she might judge him about everything he’s failing at. Ben’s apartment is a mess. There are piles of laundry everywhere, garbage bags are lined up by the door ready to go out, but he hasn’t remembered to take them. He hasn’t showered in—he can’t remember. That’s bad, right? His beard has grown in past recognition. His hair is longer, annoying enough to want to tie back but hasn’t. It’s oily and uncomfortable—probably matted. His eyes look as though they’re set in further from exhaustion and he’s almost positive he hasn’t changed his clothes at all since leaving the hospital.

“Ben, honey...” Rey sucks in a breath when the name slips. She always addresses her kids as honey or their animal nicknames: lamb for Anthony and ducky for Addy. “Open the door.”

It’s the sweet addition of a nickname that coaxes him to slowly open it to her.

The light of the day burns his eyes slightly, but when he sees her, dressed down in her jeans and flannel shirt that looks a tad too big for her, he remembers he may have left that. His eyes dart around at anything to look at aside from her shirt until he’s sure it’s his. It’s then when he knows he left it. He wanted Briana to have something that smelled like him and that was it. He remembers being in her office when he cut the buttons off of it to match hers.

He remembers her story of her own children having trouble getting comfortable because of them. Memories seem to fly past in a hurry eventually getting to her bringing up teething. 

“They don’t know that buttons are choking hazards, they’re just trying to pop their teeth,” her voice echoes. 

Teeth popping was a new concept he had to learn didn’t actually mean that teeth popped but came in instead. She did find joy in that conversation, smiling and frequently as she remembered their stories. He listened the best he could but couldn’t focus himself at all when she beamed at him. But there in that moment, he snipped the buttons from the shirt, making absolutely certain that Briana would know him. And here she is with it, on no less. 

It’s all too much to process, but she stays patiently in place, clasping her hands sweetly in front of him, watching his face as it morphs from surprise to shyness. 

“Rey.”

“Hi Ben.”

“Do you... would you like to come in?”

“If you’ll let me.”

He nods slowly forgetting how to speak. His eyes follow her as she passes between his doorway and himself, which he’s only managed to give a small amount of space for. As she passes through, his worry is more apparent because of the mess. Being sort of outside for a little while helps him notice the smell, too. To his surprise, he doesn’t have to explain. Rey doesn’t say anything about the state of his apartment, and he’s glad for it.

“How did you find me?” he manages to ask.

“Gwen told me.”

“I thought that was confidential.”

Rey smiles, “It is. Don’t tell.”

Ben laughs for the first time since being home.

“I missed you,” she confesses.

Is it the first? Because this day is a day of firsts. It’s the first time anyone has showed up to just see him. The first time a girl has worn his clothes—shirt, okay, it’s a shirt. Still, his. It’s the first time anyone has said they missed him, to his face. Him. She missed him. She didn’t say she missed his presence, or his daughter, and his surprise must be evident because she continues.

“Just you.” She smiles sadly. “How have you been?

“It’s been...” he fails to say it, instead he waves his hand around at the mess.

“We’ve all been here, Ben. You can say it. I won’t judge you like you’re some awful parent for hating being up every two hours.”

He laughs at this too.

“Where’s Briana?”

Ben points to the pack n play. “She’s actually sleeping. First time in what feels like a week.”

It’s Rey’s turn to giggle. “This is your time then. Go take a shower. I’ll handle her if she wakes up.”

He looks at her dumbly, as if it’s taking him time to process what she just said. Was that English? A shower? What’s a shower?

“H-How long do I have with you?”

“Until six,” she replies. “Finn is watching the kids. I told him I’d be here.”

“What about work? Won’t you be tired if you’re here with me all day?” He hates the way it sounds. She just got here. It’s one in the afternoon and she chose to see him instead of be home. He just, he needs to understand.

“I resigned, Ben,” Rey hangs her head.

That explains why she didn’t call him when he sent “thank you for everything” flowers to her. Someone else must have received it. Who was the other one there? The one that liked the fish?

“I had to stop.” Her brow furrows as if she can’t deal with the failure of quitting. “I’m working for a pediatrician a few blocks from here now. My kids need me, and the stress is just too much. I’ve been a shell of myself since...” she trails as if she’s watching it play out again. “So, I have off Tuesdays and Sundays now. Which, in case you didn’t know, today is Tuesday.”

Of course, he doesn’t know the day. Who knows that stuff? He’s pretty sure he didn’t know the sun was up, let alone the name of the day.

“Oh,” Ben’s unsure of what else to say so she continues.

“Why don’t you go do regular human things? Maybe sleep instead of shower. And when you feel better you can take care of yourself properly.”

He looks at her curiously.

“Every parent needs help, Ben.” Rey leans into his space, whispering, “Let me help you.”

All he can do is nod, trapped in her stare.

“Can I sleep out here?”

“If it’ll help. But you may need to sleep flat on your bed. You know, get the rest you haven’t been getting?”

He swallows his response.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll come find you before I have to if you’re not back out by then.”

He quietly agrees, making his way to go to the back of his apartment, to his room.

This is weird.

Ben almost feels as if he left a body part back in the living room, having to constantly remind himself that Rey came over and Briana is okay. The second he’s decided he can trust this isn’t a dream, Ben flops onto his unmade bed and finally gets the sleep he needs.

When Ben falls asleep, she waits for the grocery items that she ordered online to arrive at his door while keeping an eye on Briana. She’s been a mother for four years now, since she always includes the time, she was pregnant—she knows what needs to be done. First, she fishes through her wallet to get a tip for the delivery guys. Rey’s learned that they can be exceedingly helpful if they’re tipped well. That garbage is going to the garage as soon as they get to his door.

While she waits, Rey looks for something she can clean with finding only paper towels and a tiny bit of soap left. She cares for Briana when she wakes doing the usual temperature, diaper, recording it and the time she took her next bottle.

In the time that it takes to put her back down, the groceries are delivered, and she’s managed to get them to take the garbage out as planned. Perfect. Now all that’s left to do is help.

Ben wakes hours later, smelling food being prepared. He looks at his clock seeing that its 5:15pm and rushes to the bathroom to clean himself up, knowing that she has to leave soon. 

Sleep is amazing.

“You know what else is amazing?” he adds to his thoughts, “Scalding hot water.” 

He proceeds to clean himself, being happy to use his shampoo, and soap, God—he’s not all that thrilled about getting some in his eye, but that’s okay! He’s getting the time to take care of himself, and it’s all thanks to Rey. Ben battles with taming the knotted shag rug on his face, the thickness has caused a few nicks under his chin, being that it was a down right battle to get the razor through.

Ben vows to himself if he ever uses the bathroom by himself again, he’s also going to do three things for his hygiene too: shave, brush his teeth and his hair, and there’s nothing Briana can say to make him change his mind.

Once he’s cleaned and dressed, he makes his way out to the living room. He notices how clean everything is and wonders when she had the time to do that. It’s not like he has a lot. He doesn’t even have a television. Besides the couch, he also bought a hassock that doesn’t remotely match, it’s not even black... instead it’s brown and cloth. It could have polka dots for all he cares though since all of this is temporary. He did pick up a couple of end tables that held mostly bottles and napkins. Briana’s diapers take up some of the wall space under the window to the right of the right arm of his couch. In front of it is a shelving unit that he’s put her clothes, the album he hasn’t had any time to look through, and a few baskets that hold wipes and practically everything that he left the hospital with. To the left is the kitchen, where he can hear Rey, but proceeds to scan the rest of the apartment noticing things like the laundry has been picked up, the garbage is gone, his daughter is... missing. Wait no, she’s in the kitchen with Rey, lounging in her seat and staring at the light in the kitchen.

It looks so normal. It looks like everything he’s ever wanted. 

Ben tries to speak but can’t. Instead he clears his throat just loud enough to make her jump. Rey’s kind enough to turn, keeping herself facing Briana, just in case.

“Oh, good. You’re awake,” she smiles. “How do you feel?”

“Better.” Ben’s smile widens as hers does.

“Good,” Rey adds before turning back to the chicken cutlets she’s making.

“Are you going to eat too?” Ben plays with his fingers nervously as he used to when he was a kid.

“I’d like to, but it’ll have to be another time,” she nods to the time over his stove.

He can’t help but feel disappointed, asking her when she’d be back.

“Is next Tuesday alright?”

He can’t help how his face turns, “What about Sunday?” She said she had off he reminds himself. Maybe she’ll come because he asked.

“I have to be home with my kids,” she snorts. “I’d say come over, but Briana is too young, and both Rose and my kids are in school, which means they basically carry the plague with them at all times.”

Ben tries to hide how funny she sounds, explaining it like that, and fails. “‘Don’t need that.”

“No one needs their baby getting sick. Telling you is just a common curtesy.”

Rey finishes the chicken, made him a baked potato and scooped an antipasto onto his plate, setting it down next to Briana’s chair in the center of the table. By now he’s been able to formulate what he wants to ask, making sure to practice it before she goes. When he finally does, it comes out awkwardly. 

“Why are you doing all of this for me? We barely know each other—"

Rey raises her hand to stop him. “But we do, Ben. I know enough.”

“Tell me then. What do you know about me?” He knows he sounds a little off, a little insecure, but he needs to hear it.

“You care about other’s lives like I do. If you didn’t, you would have taken off the moment you laid eyes on her. You’re trying, and that is all I needed to know,” she says softly. Her eyes search his as he tries to accept her response. Rey take his hand in both of hers. “I know this is hard. I’ve been here. And just like you, I have help. Without my family and their participation, I don’t know where I’d be.”

Something about the way she’s holding his hand is soothing. He wonders if Briana likes being held for that reason too.

“It takes a village to raise a baby, Ben.”

———

When she leaves, he looks around his apartment noticing even all the dust that had been coating picture frames he collected from his house earlier that month, were cleaned, which has him wondering what else she did.

He knew she took the garbage, but where is the laundry? He frowns, thinking about where he’s been while he generously shovels his dinner into his mouth. She couldn’t have been in by him... he’s sure he would have heard her. The bathroom... That smelled faintly like bleach.

“Wait,” he says to his food. Ben leaves for the bathroom noticing that everything’s been picked up. She left the towels he used but took everything else that was in there. He checks the small vanity and it’s stocked with toiletries, everything he could possibly need but couldn’t remember. Even shaving cream. He turned slightly towards the shower, then the toilet, noticing just how much cleaner the space looked.

He can’t help but surge out towards the hallway, crossing it to quickly search his room. She was in there. She took all of it.

Ben-  
Did you take our laundry?

Rey-  
Yes?

Ben-  
Why?

Rey-  
You don’t have a unit.  
Don’t worry it’ll be back.

He smiles at the text. She’ll be back.

Ben-  
You didn’t have to.

Rey-  
Neither did you.

He sees the pink envelope on his nightstand. It’s the one he forgot to open when he got home the day Briana was discharged. In it is a simple card with the image of a sunflower with the sunrise behind it on the cover. In it, Rey reminds him to call, and on the back is her address, telling him that there is always someone home if he needs anything at all.

___

Rey continues to visit over the course of the next month and he’s gotten better at sleeping when Briana sleeps, showering with her facing the other way, of course, in her seat and even shaving. He’s learned that she does not like his beard—at all. And he’s pretty sure he hates his face being pulled when it does get a little longer than stubble.

He’s better at responding to Rey, still missing some of her phone calls but making sure he tries her anyway.

Rey-  
It’s going to be 60 today. Want to meet at the park?

Ben-  
Is Briana old enough?

Rey-  
She should be fine. It’s warm and sunny. Just bring an extra blanket just in case. And the bag I packed for you.

Ben-  
The bag?

Rey-  
It’s next to your door.

Ben-  
It has flowers on it.

Rey-  
Does it?

He can almost hear her laughing. Of course, she picked one with flowers. He can’t really complain through. She’s been nothing but helpful, even with the occasional teasing. Kind of like the time she put a mirror in and stuck a sticker over the clear protection film just to see what he would do.

The park she’s talking about is behind the library, back by his old house. Just the thought of being near it gives him goosebumps. His financial situation has since become harder, handling both the mortgage and renting, plus his car, everything just seems to be too much to do by himself. He’s since sold the car, giving himself a few months of wiggle room before having to make a serious decision about what to do with the house. Right now, he’s pushing Briana in the stroller down past his old neighborhood, joining Rey and her kids in the park.

The park is smaller, but right for their age group, he assumes. It’s green and yellow with a few red slides. There are stairs and ramps all winding around, guiding children up to various slides. One twisted, while another had bumps that look more like waves, and the third is a four in one slide that reminds him of the ones at a carnival. The wood chips look warn like they’ve been there for years, just like the sun-bleached equipment, but it doesn’t stop the kids from enjoying it.

It doesn’t look like they’re the only ones that decided on this today. That’s okay, the parental cover is fine. He finds he actually needs it since he doesn’t exactly want to tell her he isn’t doing well.

“Anthony! Wait!” Ben hears her yell. “Addy let go. I have you, don’t you feel me? Let go of the monkey bars.” She tries coaxing Addy off, now climbing the dreaded ladder, to retrieve her daughter. “Do me a favor. Don’t go back up. Use the slides or swings or something. Not this.”

Addy stomps off.

“Anthony?!” She hears her little boy giggling in a tunnel.

“Come find me Mommy!”

“I can’t,” she whispers to herself trying to keep her eyes on both of them.

“Tough to do on your own.” Ben’s voice mirrors her own from weeks ago.

“Tell me about it...” it takes her a second before she relaxes her shoulders, realizing who said it. Rey turns quickly, smiling. “You came!” She can’t help but give him a congratulatory hug. He really is making such strides as a single dad. “Good for you! How are you enjoying this weather?!”

“Mommy!” Anthony yells. “I HAVE TO GO POTTY!”

“Perfect.”

Anthony runs back to their green double stroller and sits comfortably in it, buckling in as he does.

“Addy!” Rey calls for her daughter who is purposely running off. “Ant needs to—"

“I don’t want to.”

“It’s not about you.”

“Can’t I stay?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“You’re not old enough.”

“I’m not going,” she protests, stomping in front of everyone.

Rey nods and looks away for the briefest second. In one quick swoop, Rey’s scooped Addy up, and is hauling her over her shoulder. The girl is literally kicking and screaming, and all of the parents around have their showcase surprised faces plastered to their faces. She’s absolutely silent as she stalks over to the stroller. It must be something her kids know because Addy is already sniffling and trying to apologize.

“We’ll talk about this later, little lady.”

Ben can’t help but follow them into the library. He did come to see them after all. So, it just makes sense to follow.

“I can watch her if you want,” he offers.

“Really?” She can’t hide the comfort that brings in her response.

“Yeah— It’ll be fine.” Something in the way that he says it makes her believe him. He really has become more confident, and if he has to, he can just get Rey’s attention and send Addy into the bathroom.

Rey’s lips curve up in a small thankful smile before she addresses her daughter. “Addy, Ben is in charge. Do not get out of the stroller. Understand?”

——-

By some miracle Anthony has not had an accident. That right there is a Mom achievement! As they return, Rey watches Ben show Briana to Addy. It’s so sweet. Addy has so many questions. Too many, actually. She starts asking about her mommy. 

“Do you miss her?” Addy innocently asks. 

Ben, being smart enough not to dive into that conversation with a three-year-old girl, only nods. He can hear Rey’s voice crack, hushing Addy as she does. 

“I’m sorry, Ben. I should have just taken her,” Rey rests her hand over her mouth trying to decide if they should just call it.

“Don’t be. She doesn’t know, and it’s clear that you’ve taught them in your own way.”

Rey tilts her head in confusion. 

“Addy’s just like you. It’s okay. Really,” Ben adds softly. None of what he wants to tell her is an age appropriate conversation for her kids. Briana, maybe, since she isn’t processing any of this. Maybe he would tell her next time she’s visiting. He thinks she deserves that much. Especially since she doesn’t fully understand what he’s trying to hint at.

“If you’re alright with it, we can still,” he starts spelling, “G. O. P. L. A. Y.” Ben has the mind to nod to her undercarriage about the soccer ball they brought. 

“We can—” her kids perk up at the sound of more playtime. “Only IF we can listen to Ben or Mom. Do you think you can do that?” she asks sternly. Rey isn’t a hundred or even ten percent interested in a repeat in the field. It’s just that much harder to walk them back to the bathroom. 

The both of them nod and get ready to be pushed back to the field, cheering as they go. 

Rey leans over to Ben’s shoulder as they go, letting him know that they can spell. “I’ve tried resorting to scientific terms to confuse them, like ‘physical activity in the photosynthesis sticks.’”

Ben’s face turns bright red as he accepts how strange that sounds.

“Never in my life did I think I would be saying such things, but that is life with kids. We’ll have to get you to come by when Rose is home. I’m sure she would be interested in adding to this one. She’s had a few,” Rey laughs. 

Memorial field has always been a multipurpose space. Rey has never seen it as anything else. She knows the town isn’t wealthy enough to add to its recreation department, but the kids don’t need to know. They’re happy enough kicking a ball around with their mother, whether it’s in their living room or out in this very field. Addy unbuckles herself first, rounding the stroller to get the ball and their small plastic cones. Anthony takes two and puts them out by midfield, while Addy asks Ben nicely if he can move so that she can put her goal up. 

“You do this a lot?” Ben asks Rey. 

Addy answers, “Yep.”

“It helps burn some energy. Some. Not all,” Rey’s eyes bulge a little. 

The concept is not lost on Ben. His mother tried running him constantly. He was in so many sports they were usually only home an hour before bedtime as a child, and when he was older, he even took on early morning practices which burned through almost all of his down time. Ben rarely knew how to relax after that. He was always going. Ben’s secretly pleased that she loves soccer and that she’s been doing this for long enough for them to accept their roles and help out. He doesn’t, however, know how to, first bring it up, and second, be gentle about it. Ben played forward in everything. Soccer, hockey, lacrosse, these were only a handful of sports that he tried out and stuck to.

After high school he was even offered a full scholarship to a few universities out west but traveled instead. When funds grew short, he’d take up odd jobs to stay on the move. It just made more sense to do it. Settling for him was never really in the cards. He was always searching for something he wanted to belong to. Nothing seemed to give him the sense of belonging he was looking for though. Not school, or work, or sports gave that to him. He wanted a family, one that wanted him the same way he finds with Briana. 

Anthony and Addy play against each other as Rey runs from goal to goal trying to block shots. 

“I can tell why you’re tired at night,” Ben teases Rey over the sound of squealing children. 

“Yeah, yeah!” Rey waves him off. “If you’re really looking to help, you could get involved.”

Anthony shoots against his mother and she misses. 

“OOHH!” He yells. Ant offers a hand to his mother. 

“That’s good sportsmanship right there,” Ben congratulates his actions.

“Yep. They’re the nicest kids on the field—during their own games. Briana, counts in another way.”

“She can be the goalie too!”

“Good idea Addy,” Rey cheers. They really are good for almost four. Besides the potty-training flip outs and not wanting to listen on the playground, which is kind of her fault for not waiting for Ben to get there. 

Ben is a little too gentle kicking the ball away from his goal and back into Addy’s possession. Anthony protests telling him to kick it harder next time. “The ball isn’t going to break. Kick it!”

“Anthony.” Rey stops the behavior. “Briana’s right next to him… he can’t—”

Ben toes it just under the ball, popping it up and over the kid’s heads, gaining their full attention. Of course, it flies a little too far. As they take off to go claim it Rey pops up, beaning it off of her forehead, forward making Anthony turn a little too fast and collides with his sister. Rey waves Ben off trying to get him to stay with Briana, but he brings her into the field with him. It’s not even a question to him to go check on the kids. The carriage, though, is not meant for the field and it is obvious now. Briana is not happy with all of the bouncing, so he tries slowing just to find out that they’re fine. 

Rey’s up for giving them a while longer before they enjoy looking for bugs in the taller grass behind the bleachers. 

“We usually do this in the late spring while it’s still pretty tame back here. When I was a kid, we used to find grasshoppers to race.”

Ben shakes his head, making a comment about her being such a tomboy. 

“And what’s wrong with it? I think it’s helped you quite a bit,” she teases.

“I highly doubt cooking and cleaning are tomboy activities.”

Rey side eyes him, “Probably not, but you’ll be happy to know that I learned from Finn, thank you very much.”

“Finn?”

“Yes, Finn. He bought more containers than he realized and wanted to make sure he made the most out of them.” Rey cups a white moth that looks more like a butterfly. She nods him over just to get him closer to the edge of the grass. “It’s part of the reason we were so late.”

Ben chewed on his lip remembering those moments. 

Rey calls her kids back to her, asking Ben to take a picture of the five of them. 

“If you put it on video and click the picture button, you’ll get a clearer image.”

Ben smirks.

“Just saying,” she shrugs as her kids sit down with her. Anthony and Addy stuff themselves in the middle of Rey and Ben being very careful of Briana who is cradled in his right, closest to Addy.

Ben prepares his phone and stretches his free arm out in front of them when he hears her say, “make a wish.” As she does, she lets the little white moth go, Anthony and Addy squeal with delight giving some of the best smiles he’s seen all day.

——

“Where’s your car?”

“Uhm,” 

Rey focuses on getting the two of them in, both drag their feet like they’re melting.

“Ben?” She reminds him of her question, and he hesitates again. “Did someone steal it?”

“No.”

“Then where—"

“I just walked.” He feels queasy every second she stays silent. 

“Who wants to sit in the way back?” Both of the twins shoot their hands up at once, and for a second it looks like they’re on a roller coaster. Rey directs them, repositioning their chairs in the back, Anthony is buckled first and then Addy as usual. 

“While is do this, why don’t you change her diaper and feed her?”

“What? But I don’t have the base.” 

“That’s fine.”

“Rey, you can’t put her—" Rey pulls out a base from the trunk. “Are you serious?”

“She’s going to get testy.” 

Ben rolls his eyes. “How do you just have what I need?”

“I’m prepared,” she says dryly.

He catches her arm just to get her to stop moving. “No, it’s more than that. Tell me.”

“I asked Maz. Ben, there’s some crucial piece of your story that you’re not telling me. I want you to trust me. I want you to know I’ll be there, because that’s what friends do. We support each other. I’m doing all I can with what I know, but you’re not telling me something, and I am trying to respect that and be here for you anyways…”

He should have expected that. He knows he’s hiding somethings from her and not realizing that she can read him like a book. 

“I’m going to start their movie. Please change her. If you need help. Just ask.”

“I’m not doing well, okay?” Ben blurts out.

Rey regards him carefully. 

“Financially. I had to sell the car,” he itches his brow waiting for her response.

“Why?” 

He explains his situation being careful of words he’d rather not have her kids try out later. To his surprise he feels like a weight has been lifted from him knowing that she knows. 

“It’s going to be okay,” she reassures him. “We’ll figure things out.” She leans in to hug him. “I wish you would have told me sooner,” she adds. 

Ben hasn’t let up on the stroller, still holding it tightly with one hand as the other welcomes Rey to his side. Just their connection has him welling up. He tries to hide the tears in his eyes, rapidly blinking them away when she starts to speak again.

“Please let me give you guys a ride. It’s getting chilly now and down the line you’re going to need rides places like to her doctor’s office and the bus is not going to give you special treatment. Believe me.” She stresses her last two words. “Taking a stroller on the bus is not easy.”

Briana begins to fuss, now being past her feeding time, and she adds, “Do you want to do the honors? Or do you think you can put the car seat in?”

She grins when he picks the car seat asking why she isn’t going to take her in to get changed. 

“It’s just a quick diaper. Parents do this stuff all the time. Hopefully it’s not—" Rey moves to open the diaper, “Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?”

Both Addy and Anthony start complaining about the poop smell, and then start chirping about food when they see Briana is about to eat. 

“We’ll get there when we get there, right now, I have poop. Do you want to eat poop?” She only riles them up more making it hard for her to properly feed Briana. 

Rey asks for Ben to show them the pictures they took until she’s done, and he does. He has quite a few, he realizes. He must have tapped the hell out of the corner button. The kids look intently at them, and then see that there’s a video. Addy cheers constantly for it and Rey hushes her.

“I’ll play it if you promise not to yell,” says Ben, the both of them nod quickly, making their thick dark hair bounce as they move. He doesn’t bother trying to look when it plays, figuring he’s helping and had plenty of time to study it later. They both giggle at the moth flying around in the frame and beg for it over and over again. By the fourth time, Ben really hears Rey’s line about making a wish and for the first time in what feels like his whole life, he finally feels like he belongs.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parenting isn’t just something people magically gain skills for just because we decide to become them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cant get over Kaybohls moodboard talent! It's a talent...if you have it personally, pat yourself on the back too. :D  
> I LOVE the way she captured the mood on this chapter. <3 <3 <3
> 
> Also, I can't believe the support on this story. I love it so much and I am over the moon that all of you have enjoyed it in some way too. <3 <3 <3

[](https://ibb.co/kyMZ1WN)

Ben studies their pictures and it doesn’t escape him that they look like a family. Not like actors that people model to look like they go together to sell picture frames. They look like they belong together. He’s sure it’s wishful thinking and reminds himself that she said there was no father—those were her own words. Even still, he can’t help but study her son’s face, remembering pictures of himself in his various uniforms with that very look on his own.

There are so many questions he wants to ask about her decisions and children but doesn’t know how to bring them up. How exactly does someone ask about something so private?

He’s sure there are plenty of donors that have dark hair, fair skin and brown eyes he thinks as he slides down into position to burp his daughter for the third time tonight. There’s no way it was him. He remembers donating years ago, how hollow it made him feel, and how often he swore he would never do it again even with the significant payout for a good specimen and twenty minutes of his time. He was twenty. Now being on his way to thirty-one, there’s no way, even if they were at the same location, that she could have gotten his.

Do they age? he wonders. He looks for his phone. His phone would know. In fact, his phone seems to find a lot of the things he has random questions for and then advertises them during the next search as if he’s still needing Ziplock bags after buying a ninety count, or a bottle of Pepto Bismol after searching what different colors of poop meant. He just wanted to know what the range of color was for babies, and if he should be worried. But now he’s being shadowed by items that will, no doubt, fix his personal problems. Perfect.

He’s weary about his research on this one, sure that he’ll be hounded by sperm banks, testosterone boosters and pictures of other guys members that he does not need to see. Instead he goes back to thinking that they must age after leaving the body. And if that’s the case, and by some miracle she got his, she got old ones. Ben groans when he says it out loud, promising himself that this did not happen, and not to get his hopes up.

Ben realizes during the time Rey’s been around, she hasn’t once crossed the bridge of curiosity and asked him about his life before all of this. Sure, he shared some things of his past, routine questions for the paperwork at the hospital, but nothing that really dove in to his background. How would he even bring a conversation like that up?

“Oh, yeah, I was a sperm donor ten years ago, we should check your kids,” he chides himself.

Briana starts to fuss feeling his rising stress no doubt.

“Okay, okay...” He hushes her, trying to make an effort to calm down about it. “Okay.”

——

Rey’s kept up with her usual visits, staying for hours, talking about just about anything but never his past and certainly not the weather. There haven’t been awkward silences, but they have been able to enjoy each other’s company without needing to constantly bring something up. It’s comforting just having her there, knowing that she’s got him, makes all the difference.

Today, she’s been over for just over an hour when she sees just how strong Briana has gotten with both lifting and moving her head.

“Good girl, Briana!”

Ben watches her cup the side of her face. The action is so warming he misses her question.

“Ben?”

“Uhm...What?”

“Have you done any tummy time with her yet?”

“What?”

Rey shakes her head. “Hang on,” she says as she moves to his bedroom.

“What do you need in there?” Ben sounds almost nervous to her.

“Relax, I’m just getting your blanket.” Rey heads back through the hall with his navy-blue comforter folded neatly in her hands. Her smile is contagious. “You can’t tell me her doctor hasn’t brought up tummy time.”

Rey makes her way back into the living room putting his blanket on the floor, promising that it was cleaned before.

“What is she supposed to do?”

“This is for her core. It makes rolling easier over time... it’s an important exercise,” she promises guiding Ben to put her down on the blanket with her head turned.

Briana just lays there. Her little fingers open and close while her face scrunches trying to accept this new surface.

“Really looks like a great work out,” Ben teases.

Rey swats at him, “You try it. Only you can’t use your arms and legs.”

Ben looks at her like she’s crazy. How hard could that be?

Well.

It’s actually hard—and he feels dumb for having to accept he was wrong.

“Go on, Daddy. Apologize to your little girl...” she chides.

His face turns an obvious bright red and drops his head fast, landing hard on the blanketed floor. While he’s still in the padding of his comforter, he can’t help but start to giggle.

“Do you hear him? He thinks all of your hard work is funny. What are we going to do with this guy?”

Briana scrunches her nose, closes her darkly colored eyes and pushes out her thin pouting lips in what Rey’s come to know as her “all done face.” Sure, enough she starts throwing her little fit, opening and closing her hands from little waves to tiny fists. It’s adorable until she screams.

“Alright, we can be done. It’s okay, we can be done,” she repeats cradling his child.

Ben doesn’t bother sitting up, he’s still trying to compose himself when she asks what his deal is.

“Nothing,” he proceeds to cover his head with his hands.

“It’s clearly something. No one lays on their face on a fit of giggles unless they’re three and just created the ‘Naked Baby’ dance.”

Ben pops up, still red from laughing, “What’s the ‘Naked Baby’ dance?”

“It’s the most vulgar, damned dance a three-year-old can muster up, completely naked, usually after a bath to get a little more ‘freedom’ without a pull up.”

Ben points his index finger at Briana, and says, “I won’t be having any of that from you, little girl.”

“No, you won’t, because she’s a lady,” she says politely.

“She better stay one,” Ben grumbles.

“Oh, she will. You’ll see. I’ll teach her everything she knows about that—and the most important thing about being a lady—"

“Is... cooking,” Ben interrupts.

Rey’s grin spreads like wildfire. “Is politely telling telling the truth.”

“It is not! It’s sitting with your legs closed,” he snorts.

“Oh my gosh. Don’t listen, Daddy does not understand.”

“Did you just say gosh? What are you, seven?”

“Briana, I think I might have to retaliate,” Rey stands with her to put her in her chair. “It seems he’s fine with teasing me about my taste in words, and we can’t be having that, can we?”

Briana stares up at her in response and Rey takes it as, “Obviously.”

“And just how do you think you’ll be doing that?”

“At home these differences were settled in pillow fights, games outside, or tickle fights. And since the first two are out for safety reasons,” Rey taps her thumbnail and middle finger’s pads together revealing how long her nails have gotten.

Ben blanches trying to sound authoritative when he promises he’s not ticklish.

“I’m pretty sure you are. Briana’s on my team, she thinks so too.”

“Traitor!”

“Oh-o no, she’s proper enough to teach her Daddy a lesson, aren’t you Briana?”

“What lesson?” he asks carefully.

“There are no secrets when it comes to family.”

“This? Wait—what? I thought it was about teasing you.”

Rey beams. Her smile is impossibly wide when she nods to his daughter. “So, he does know. That’s a plus. That means we’re only half way there.”

Fight or flight prickles his skin since he’s not sure how serious Rey is about this ‘fight’ but it’s clear that she’s coming at him and he has to move. Now! He pushes off his stomach with his forearms, giving her access to the glory spot. Besides his feet and neck, his sides are the most sensitive places on his body for such a finger dancing assault. His mother used to be relentless when he was a kid...and something about the way Rey’s now stalking him, he’s sure he’s in for it.

“Wh-What exactly do you think I’m hiding?” he can’t help but stutter.

“Oh, maybe that you like the way I say gosh instead of God,” she watches him try to hide his blush as he makes every move to get out of range.

“Yes, that. Yes, it’s fine. You’re not seven,” he moves towards the kitchen, so he has more space between himself, his possible flying limbs and his daughter. “What else?” Ben’s voice sounds strained when he asks.

“Why were you giggling on the floor?”

That, that’s embarrassing, he thinks. She is not getting that. Come hell or pissing his pants, because it’s a possibility, he’s not giving that up. There’s no chance.

Somehow while he was deep in his thoughts, trying to channel not being affected by tickles, she connects with his side, only having to press one finger into it to make him jump. His arms flail and he leans forward to try to protect himself but she’s there. God, it’s like she just knows him, she just knows how to press to get even the most unmanly sounds out of him. His giggles are silent, uncontrolled, and the force of her administrations are making his legs buckle.

“Time... time...” he tries to say needing a break from laughing.

“Gonna tell me what was funny?” she smiles, giving him a knowing look.

It takes Ben a couple minutes to catch his breath, nodding as he does to keep her at bay. Finally, when he thinks he can get away, he pushes her to the side and shakes it from left to right, “Nope!”

Rey’s squeak surprises him, he was going to try to get away. Usually, his mom was the only one that tickled him, and she wasn’t ticklish, which had him believing that anyone who tickled another person was immune.

“Hang on...you’re ticklish?”

Rey shakes her head no; her deceiving grins plasters itself across her face. “I don’t... I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He pokes at her side as she did to him as he stands at his full height. When she squeaks again it only confirms it. “I think the tables have turned...”

Rey gives him a challenging look trying to suppress a giggle, saying “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Clearly that was a spasm.”

He presses her again and she gives another squeak.

“Clearly,” he murmurs darkly. His secret is saved! There’s no way she’s going to get the upper hand now. He imagines patting himself on the back for this slip up and finding out that his little Rey of light did have a weakness. She’s a regular human now. Before he looked at her like she made no mistakes, like she had no idea what being a real human was...even if she was the one to say she was a regular human doing human things.

The very thought made their friendship mean even more to him. She wasn’t just some girl making house calls. Whatever this friendship is, it’s growing. He can feel it.

“You can’t stare me down and think I’m going to just back off,” Rey pokes at him, moving up the side of his ribs.

Ben has managed to hide the fact that he’s choking on his spit and breathing hard to suppress his laughter.

“Tell me, Ben.” Rey lets out a high-pitched yelp as he drills his fingers into her underarm. The action immediately makes her draw back her arms from him, struggling in every direction to try to free herself from him. “Truce! Truce... truuuccee...” her giggling fell into breathless silence.

“Still need to know?”

“Yes!”

“Wrong answer!”

“Stop,” she whines. Her back starts to pinch and she knows she’s got no more strength to take on anymore. “You—you win. Stop. I’m. Going. To. Pee...”

Ben’s fingers slow, but he still manages to catch her as she drops to the floor in exhaustion. “You’re not really going to pee, are you?”

“Touch me again and I’m pretty sure I’ll make you mop the floor.”

“You wouldn’t."

“Try me.”  
__

Tuesday’s were Ben’s favorite days. Absolute favorites. They made him feel like a kid again. Well, they made him feel special, which is more than he can say for everything else he’s ever done. The excitement he felt in anticipation would build him up on Monday and keep him confident and happy until mid-afternoon on Wednesday. Sometimes she pops by on her way home to drop off laundry or just to make sure he’s still alive during days he meme bombs her. She usually shows up when he sends some dopey odd animals being friends’ video as it’s a telltale sign, he’s feeling sappy or down.

Rey-  
Kids are sick with ear infections.

Ben-  
What does that mean?

Rey-  
Fever. Ear pain. Ear drops. Angry kids. Out for a week unless the medicine works.

Ben-  
So, you’re not coming?

Rey-  
You don’t want this.

Ben-  
But.

Rey can’t handle two sick kids and texting, so she just calls him.

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re going to be fine.”

“Why can’t—"

Rey interrupts, “I’m a carrier. Even if I don’t get sick, I’m still a carrier. Same as when the whooping cough came through and just like flu season, I have to be extremely careful. You have a newborn. She was a preemie. She’s delayed by two whole months. Getting her sick is bad.

“But I’ll miss you. I look forward to this. I need this!”

“You need a healthy baby more than you need me, Ben. You can always FaceTime me when the kids are asleep, or you need something. But Ant and Addy are miserable. And dealing with kids while they’re awake make phone calls hell.”

“It can’t be that bad,” he tries to get her to agree to let him call just for anything.

“You know what... I think you should find out. I’ll call you when I get home.”

He grins thinking that he just got what he wanted, even if it wasn’t exactly that. He’d get to see her, and he would be okay because of it.

Ben has been seeing Bazine in Briana’s features, and it’s driving him absolutely insane. She looks so much like her and it’s scary. The very fact makes him wish she would look more like whoever she was with so he didn’t have to process the facts that both Baz was gone, and her story would no longer haunt him. But it doesn’t.

Not only is it her dark hair, her eyelashes are long and dark just like Baz’s. They curl effortlessly off of her cheeks; her lips are thin but still make the pout that her mother did. Her nose, while a little wider still came up to a point and her ears have tiny little points to them. He prays that when Briana gets older, she won’t sound like her mother, but there’s a good chance of it since everything else is pretty much coming up Baz.

The thought of it is heartbreaking. He thinks of what his life could have been...if she loved him. She didn’t though. He beings to break himself down because of it.

——-

The next few days pass without a call from Ben who seemed to really need her, but she’s thankful for it. As much as she loved palling around with him, her own children needed her undivided attention. When one would cry, the other would start. It was almost as if one would try to get more love than the other with each wail all their own. Their cries were loud conversations between the two that Rey simply had enough of. They’d hang on her, pouring all of their complaints onto her as if she purposely got them sick.

“Yes. That’s it. Mommy gave you this fever and infection because she loves the way it runs its course through your little bodies.” Rey is pretty sure she’s said this to herself after every time she’s had to pin one of them to add the drops into each ear. Four times... two leg drops... two to four submission moves, just to get three drops in each ear.

By the end of it her body is beat. Several times she ignored them and stayed laying in a heap on the floor.

As they began to feel better, they went right back to school, battling them now with only having to see out the prescription, because NOBODY wants to do that again. Ever. In. This. Lifetime.

By some miracle she has the strength to get up, shower, and in the van to get to Target, two towns over, to get something for Easter, which by the way, is two days from then.

Finn’s on food, like always. Rose has decorations, which she technically already did, taping bunnies and chick cut outs everywhere. Rey’s pretty sure that every door has an animal on it, and the windows have been assaulted with sticky gelatin looking stickers which she can tell the stark difference between Hudson and the twin’s designs. Hudson has something of a story that he’s made, while Ant has a leaf pile of sorts happening, and Addy. God love Addy... she tried to eat the pink pieces out of the bunny’s ears. Rey couldn’t help but scream and dry heave every time she did it. Each time, Rey would kick herself more knowing that a quick inhale would mean the tiny piece would get lodged in her throat somehow.

It did not matter that they were going to be four. Everything still wound up touching their lips as if the oral part of their learning curve didn’t mature yet—or enough to know not to do that. Addy still does it with everything. Every toy, every marker, piece of crafting supplies, including the fuzzy balls, she still did it. Meanwhile, Anthony, his constant need was a toy, usually a fake food item or a long-necked dinosaur would be chomped in. If they were tired, she’d even see one chew on the side of the iPad.

Ugh.

The iPad. That little device is hers. Mom’s iPad. Don’t break it. It’s of the only things besides the heater in the car that makes her feel like a person. I real living and breathing human, that could matter to someone someday. That iPad and its mini fireplace has given her so much comfort, if some little beaver child grinds his or her teeth on it, Rey’s almost positive she’s going to lose her shit.

Baskets. Rey’s mind wanders back to the present. Baskets. Maybe Walmart still had stuff. Worst case scenario would be to go all the way down the highway to Michael’s and get baskets. Which, despite the gas, actually sounded like a better idea given the change in seasonal decorations has become so intense that by the time Easter is over they’re shoving Mother’s Day through Independence Day down people’s throats, like April is the only time they’ll get their goods.

Then she remembers Gwen. Jeez. Maybe she wasn’t too late.

——-

“The kids were sick,” Rey apologizes.

“Finn told me it was a real battle,” she chuckles, stopping mid-sentence as she watches Rey’s arms shake terribly while she steadies her mug to her lips. “Are you okay, Rey? Was it really that bad?”

“They’re strong little hell beasts when they’re sick.”

Gwen spits her coffee.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why ever do you ask?”

“You’re dribbling hot coffee...”

Gwen waves her off saying, “It’s just a flesh wound.”

“I don’t think you understand that line. At most I’d say you have a burn...”

“Did it affect my flesh?” Gwen raises her eyebrow.

“Touché.” Rey looks around the room, finally asking if she’s covered.

“No I still have some shopping to do.”

“I have the van for a couple more hours until the kids get out.”

Gwen’s eyes bulge happily, “Are you asking me out?”

“For a shopping trip?”

“Yes, that’s out,” Gwen reminds her.

“In that case, I think I am.”

———

Easter goes as smoothly as it could have given they did not make it to mass, haven’t been able to reach Ben, visited with the orphanage for their annual colored egg hunt. It’s a massive hunt for inside and out. Eggs are filled with everything from candies to small toothpaste tubes, curtesy of Gwen herself, who does not enjoy dental visits for the kids at all. It’s always a hit though, everyone is thankful and have a good time throughout the day, remembering to be good to each other on this day and everyday forward.

Rey’s only disappointment is that Ben wasn’t there, even though Briana probably shouldn’t be out. He hasn’t even responded to the meme she sent of her rainbow dyed zombie kids. Maybe he was getting better at sleeping when Briana slept. That is a real parenting win. Even experienced parents have trouble with it. If that was it, she would have to get him a trophy, because not even Rey has figured that one out. There’s always just too much to do!

Next up on her list of things she had to do at home was cupcakes for her kid’s preschool. They decided to push back Earth Day since it fell on Easter this year. Thursday is her late night, getting out at seven. She finds out from Rose that the kids helped her make the cupcakes so it might be a good idea not to sample any of them.

Rose-  
Call me when you can.

Rey-  
Everything okay?

Rose-  
Yeah. Just need some girl chat.

Rey-  
You can come over you know.

Rose-  
I might just.

Rose is Wonder Woman. She has to be. She must have made two boxes of cupcakes, enough for both preschool classes’ morning classes and their parents. Okay, maybe that’s stretching it. Still, it’s a lot, and the woman has patience of steel if she really had both of her children help.

Hudson alone can be quite the handful, needing to have things exactly right. Her son is extremely particular and when it comes to anything being made with his hands, he’s a “measure thirty times, execute once, then talk about his precision for hours” kind of kid. The boy could very well build his own spaceship and zip around one day, but his heart is set on being a doctor first, for everything but computers, and then he wants to be president all before the ripe age of twenty-four. Which, in kid years must mean forty. If that’s the case then Rey is forty-four and both Rose and Finn are forty-seven.

Boy, Hudson can t-a-l-k too. He’s the most vocal out of all three and Rey’s always been impressed with his knowledge but... but... activities with a six-year-old perfectionist and two almost four-year old’s—young four year old’s—could not have gone well. Still, the cupcakes are whole, and icing is lined up on the counter with bags and a pair of scissors. No note though. Thank the Lord... Rey’s shoulder’s drop when she finds it. “Of course, there’s a note.”

Rey,  
Use two bags. Ice the ocean first. Then green for land.  
<3 Rose

Rey can keep people alive. She’s never given anyone food poisoning, that she can attest to... but food art? Her closest thing to food art is a happy face made from olives in an egg white omelet. That is the most creative she’s ever been with any of it.

Rey-  
Rose. What the hell?

Rose-  
Pipe ‘em. The world is counting on you!

Rey-  
You didn’t get sprinkles?

Rose-  
Trying to avoid Ant’s gag reflex. Your kid is the reason why you’re going to nail this.

Rey-  
Hand cramp!

Rose-  
Pics or it didn’t happen.

Rey drops to the floor, making a dramatic scene for her picture. Her hand is bent in on itself like a claw begging for assistance.

Rose-  
Ugh. FaceTime. Both hand cramps.

The two talk a while before Rey gets started on the bags, commenting on how thankful she is that Rose was kind enough to buy the pre-dyed icing so she didn’t have to worry about mixing anything or spilling the dye.

“You know, I can’t get the red spot out from Valentine’s Day, so I put a rug over it?” Rey says grinning at herself as if she won the war.

“Anyone that moves that thing is going to think an animal died there.”

“Not a big one... I could say it was a mouse.”

“And what? You dropped an anvil on it like the Loony Toons?”

“That’s dating yourself.”

“It doesn’t make it wrong. I highly doubt you could catch a mouse with your bare hands —no one can believe that.” Rose teases her friend. “Besides, we all know you’d be the one offering it a little mousey home in a dollhouse somewhere instead of squashing it.”

“No—nope. No mice...did Finn tell you about the one he found under the dishwasher?” Rey gags a little remembering it. “I can’t believe that’s what a dead mouse smells like. The kids were the worst though. I swear the smell of decay was making them slightly high.”

Rose snorts. Rey looks up from making the bags for long enough to see her give the ‘one moment’ sign with her finger.

“So I guess just,” Rose coughs a few more times, “Don’t make mention to critters. That red space is obviously the floor’s flesh wound... Tell me the rug you got looks like a Band-Aid. Tell me you did that.”

“Um,” Rey looks down at it. “Well it’s brown... if that’s what you mean.”

Rose perks up, putting her face closer to the camera. “What does it have on the bottom. Like, is it white?”

Rey picks up the rug revealing that it is not white, but it’s her turn to lift a finger to her friend. She puts the phone down, opens a cabinet holding her pots, pans, and large mixing bowls to grab the mat at the bottom of the cabinet. Lifting the phone again, she shows Rose that the floor now has a proper bandage.

“If you want you can bring your hot glue gun over tomorrow and make it official.”

“It’s already in my purse!”

Rey goes back to struggling with piping the ocean, asking if there’s a better way than what she’s doing. The two come up with kid answers that they can hear as if they’re already awake telling them off.

“Mommy, no!” Rey does her best Anthony impression. “The land goes on top of the water.” And then Addy, “Where’s the beach? I want the beach on mine. Noooo, only the b-e-a-c-h...”

“You did them without me?” Rose snaps her fingers and rolls her hips with an attitude that seeps out of her son every time he thinks he’s been slighted. Rose goes into a full-on argument about how the cupcakes weren’t for him, and how he really has no say.

“Something tells me you had this argument today.”

“Several times...” she sighs. “He could not stop protecting his space. His section of the table looked like an Apple store, and when your kids would go check it out, he all but screamed about them touching his cupcakes.”

Rey opts to just do the ocean for now. They don’t look perfect, but she’s pretty sure that whatever the kids put into them will outweigh her crappy icing designs.

“I have to stop. My hands are killing me.”

“Are you waiting until morning?”

“It’s a possibility. An awful one. But my hands are killing me.”

Rose nods, adding that she should put them somewhere high since her children are some of the tallest, she’s ever seen. “Both of them can reach the back of the counter.”

“Where exactly do you think I should put these? On top of the fridge?”

“Yes! Get that step ladder and— “

Rey shakes her head. “I don’t like them.”

“It’s literally two feet off the ground. It’s lower than being on a chair.”

“No. It’s fine. I think I can reach it.”

“Don’t...”

Rey takes the cupcakes that have all been iced and placed on the baking sheet from the counter and stands in front of the fridge. A couple times she tried reaching the top, but no such luck occurs. Rey finally caves with Roses protests in the background, forcing her to use the damned ladder. It’s wooden and has grips on the rungs which aren’t really rungs, they’re more like large steps. Rey does her best to just pretend that they are just stairs. The first is shaky and she hates it already, the second is worse still and her breathing has escalated tenfold, but those damned cupcakes weren’t going to be ravaged when she woke up in the morning by her tiny spawn hands.

“I can do this,” Rey repeats to herself, over and over again while she reaches up and over her head with the bling sheet. It happens so suddenly, Rey’s not sure what startles her first. Was it the dumb, trusting step forward, or the extra hard shake from her deceiving body? Whichever it was has her falling with a loud THUMP! The last thing she sees are coiled blue spirals flying overhead.

“Rey! Rey are you okay?!”

Right now is not the time to react. It’s not the time to recount the cupcake carcasses all over the floor or to focus on how much time was wasted on this project before throwing them all on the floor. Right now? Right now, is time for sitting and trying to level out her sanity. It’s time to promise the step ladder a fiery death as soon as they find a fire pit. It’s time to promise herself that whatever landed in her hair could be making her hair softer with all of the oil it took to make the product... and it’s certainly time to reference her favorite movie of all time considering the blue icing all over her face.

“Rey I can’t see you, and I can’t come over yet. Finn just got home but Hudson is trapping—” Rose’s sentence dies on her lips at the sight of Rey pretending to gallop around the kitchen. 

Her mouth hangs open as Rey repeats lines from Braveheart: “They may take away our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!”

“You’re insane...”

Rose’s brow furrows as Rey’s does when she hears knocking at her door. It’s late. Who could possibly be at her door? Rey picks up her phone out of habit telling Rose she’ll call her back.

After she hangs up, Rey carefully makes her way through the living room and to the front door. It's not a huge space but it isn’t small either. Since she’s covered in cake bits, she’s extra careful, treading lightly off of the tile and on to the short carpet, following it all the way to the door. In that short time, she’s noticed it’s well past ten, and the banging hasn’t really registered as super needy or sounding as if there’s an emergency at the neighbor’s house, so she takes her time, remembering to look through the peep hole. 

It’s Ben. He looks… gosh he looks awful! Not terrifying, more like a shadow of himself. How can that be? She saw him a little more than a week ago. Rey calls to him, “Hang on!” She’s a little louder than she would have like to be, but he needed to know she was coming. “Blast this slippery!” she all but growls at the door. Her fingers tighten around the deadbolt trying to get it open and then, finally learning from her issues with the lock, she moves to use her shirt to open the doorknob. 

The peep hole didn’t lie. Ben was just awful. Everything about him looked disheveled. He looked drained… like he’s been crying. 

“Ben, honey! Lord, what happened to you? Why? How?” she feels like she needs every question answered at the same time, but then it registers that it’s still cooler outside, and night time. It’s not a reasonable hour for him and a baby to be out at night. “Are you crazy? Get inside!” 

Rey reaches for the arm gripping the stroller tightly to pull them inside. She leans out to check around the door way as she does, asking if he took an UBER or the bus. 

Ben shakes his head. He’s a broken man with a screaming baby. “I walked.”

“AT NIGHT?!” She’s not worried about waking her hellions. Even though waking these beasts from their sleep would be the epitome of the apocalypse, she’s not at all connected with the concept. Right now, all she can think about is how much danger he put themselves in.

Ben barely responds to her shock. He looks like a beaten puppy, afraid to look her in the eye. All he can do is nod. 

“Why on Earth didn’t you call me?”

“I—I didn’t know what to do. She won’t stop crying and then I started yelling and it just got worse…”

“You didn’t touch her in anger—”

His eyes widened and his frown deepens because of her questions. “I would never, Rey. Never!”

“I have to ask, Ben… You aren’t telling me enough.” Rey moves to grab a kitchen towel from the stove. “You came here at night instead of taking her anywhere else… and you look like you’ve done something you can’t reverse. What is the problem?” Rey picks up Briana from her carrier, cradling her in her covered arm, patting her as she does. 

“I’m not a bad person. I’d never, I didn’t harm her. She just won’t stop crying and I don’t know why,” he starts to breakdown in front of her. 

Rey moves to his side trying to offer some sort of comfort. Anything to get him to calm down, but it only seems to feed the sorrow. Ben’s cries are more pronounced now, sounding oddly familiar to her own children’s wails, but she lets it go, hushing him as she does. He slouches against the wall instead of towards her, as if he needs it’s help to stay standing, so she helps him to the couch. 

“Doesn’t it bother you?” he asks. “All of the screaming?” 

Rey points to the spot on the couch for him to sit as if she didn’t hear him. It makes him wonder if he really made it to her house or if she’s just ignoring him. 

“I can hear her just fine. I need you to sit. Can you sit for me?” 

Ben nods, swallowing harshly as he does. 

Rey assesses him and then her, asking when she ate last, and went through her whole hourly schedule. Then she asks him if he’s eaten and when he can’t remember she nods. 

“I think you need to eat. I have left over baked ziti, salad and some Sprite I think,” she offers him. He’s sure that he won’t be able to back down from it since she knows how important food is. Ben swallows hard accepting that he could hold the plate at least. His nerves have been torn apart by Briana, so much so that he even contemplated walking over to see Gwen, but that nerve died as fast as it came. Rey would never speak to him again, he was sure of it. He was sure he couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t even handle a week without her. Pressing on was his only option. He would get to her... and now being here, all he can do is agree with her. It’s his only option. 

Rey nods still completely aware of the mess she is, the mess she left on the floor, and the squirming mess of a little love needing comfort in her arms. She should really have gotten cleaned off before taking her, but the pair were such a mess themselves it only made sense to take her as soon as possible. 

“Okay, love,” she informs Briana, “I need your help to help Daddy and then we’ll figure you out.” She reheats the oven and takes out the casserole dish she used to make it today. Next up was sitting the dish in the oven which is no small task with the little one in her arms, but she’s got this. Rey makes her way around her kitchen, getting a plate, the small bowl of salad she planned to have for lunch the next day, and some silverware. Rey has every intention of having him stay where he is. She wants him to be comfortable and right now as his shoulders visibly relax, the couch is where he’ll be eating. 

Briana complains, shouting as she does, and Ben’s calm diminishes at the sound. 

“You’re fine. You’re all fine,” Rey reminds them. When the cheese has melted again, Rey pulls the ziti out and has it plated, then turns the oven is off after a second more. Rey proceeds to take care of Ben until his plate is in his lap and his drink is beside him on his side’s end table. 

“Thank you,” he murmurs. 

“You’re welcome,” she replies, taking a second to run her fingers through his hair as she does her own children. Ben nearly loses all of the dinner she’s provided him as she connects with him. He groans in satisfaction, one he cannot hide, it’s absolutely welcomed. Not that he’s been dreaming of her or what that might entail, but the pain of feeling alone has nearly consumed him. Her simple caress has awoken something inside of him he never knew he needed. 

“I’ll be right back,” she whispers walking carefully back into the kitchen. Ben can’t help but feel sad again at their disconnect. What else could she possibly be needing?

A few minutes pass and she’s back with what looks like a large filled sock. Rey stands behind him where the height of the back of her couch stands. His shoulders are high above it and his hair drapes carelessly over them. She wonders how long it’s been since he’s had a haircut, and if that would be appealing to him. For now, she readies the heated item, careful to place one end on his shoulder, and drapes it behind his neck to reach his other shoulder. 

The heat and weight is a surprise. He asks what it is, and she explains that it’s a heating pad. “Just wear it until the heat is gone. I can reheat it if you like it. You’re so tense, Ben. You’re stressing yourself out far too much.”

“How are you able to ignore her crying?” he asks knowing that it’s the root of all of his stress. 

“I’m not ignoring her,” she answers. 

“Then why haven’t you— “

“She’s constipated, sweetheart.” Rey gives him a side smile. “I’m going to check her diaper and see if she needs help.”

“Help?”

“Yes.”

The image makes him less capable of enjoying any of the food she gave him. She asks a few more questions about what she’s eaten, and he reveals that the doctor said to try rice in her bottle. “Well, there’s your problem. She isn’t ready for that. Does the doctor know she’s a preemie?”

“They have the paperwork...”

“Did you tell them?” 

“No.”

“Okay, we’re going to straighten that out tomorrow. They need to know, and you have to be her advocate. They can’t just throw expectations at you and say this is where she should be and not have the facts.” Rey huffs. “I’m going to give her a milliliter of water so she can help flush it out. And then see if she needs help,” she says nodding over towards the other side of the living room. As she does, a clump of icing calls off of her face. 

Rey can only giggle despite the situation. She looks up at the ceiling, thanking God that the icing hadn’t permanently stuck to her face. Not that she thought it might, but it was only smearing when she tried to wipe it off before.

Ben’s managed a few pieces of ziti, before he mentally comes to. “What’s on your face?”

“Icing.”

“Okay, But... why?”

“The cupcakes revolted.”

“There are cupcakes?”

“Carcasses...” she repeats. 

Ben laughs. Cupcake carcasses. That is a new one!

Rey smiles, grabbing the pack n play from the living room closet. Ben can’t help but stare at how easily she gets that thing ready for use. One push at the center and four clicks later the bottom of the pack n play is ready to go. Rey hangs the floating mattress from the sides and then in goes the changing table in seconds. 

Briana, who is still crying looks like she’s pushing, constantly stretching her legs and pressing them firmly into Rey’s side. She doesn’t even ask Ben if he brought things for her. She goes back into the closet and pulls out a tote of things she can use to help her setting it down in the floating mattress while she lays Briana down on the changing surface. 

It’s in this moment that Ben starts to wonder. She’s been taking care of them constantly. She has a pack n play in her closet and countless other things, he’s sure of it. 

He watches her lean forward to grab gloves and stretch them on, which makes him feel silly for even assuming that Rey had gone over her responsible duty as a friend to help him. She’s acting like a nurse. Maybe she misses it. He listens to her talk to his daughter, helping her push her feet against her palm. Rey helps her do bicycles and other exercises to get rid of the problem, but she needs more help.

“What are you— “

“There’s a notch of hard poop pressing her skin. It's like shes trying to push her fist through her bottom. She’s too small to do it herself.”

——-

Ben cannot believe what he just witnessed. But the proof is in the pudding. She was constipated, and now? Now she’s drinking formula from a Dr. Browns bottle that must have been from Easter given there’s a chick on it. It doesn’t escape him that she had her formula and several others in less and more expensive brands the promised baby could process it better. Questions begin to formulate again. Each one he finds he wants to bat away, but after the whirlwind of probable cause is met with every last reason to ask, it’s out... and now there is no going back. 

“What?” Rey whispers question while trying to clean her hair with a wet towel for now.

Ben’s mouth goes dry. He swallows a few times knowing he has her full attention. Briana is peacefully sleeping in her crib away from home, when he finally asks again. 

“Are you the other interested parent?” Even in the dim lighting, she can see how this question scares him. As if it means she didn’t really want to be with him, that instead she wasn’t just trying to gain control of his child. 

“I’m not the interested parent. I was the fall back, in case you didn’t want this responsibility.” Rey’s careful with her answer but every word is the truth. 

“So, this with me? What is this?” He can’t help but feel as though he’s going to be dumped, and they aren’t even dating. His heart wrenches cruelly, while he tells himself he should just give her what she wants and go. 

“You’re my friend Ben, I thought we established this,” Rey tries to reassure him.

His face turns hearing her words and a flash of deception strikes him. “You—you’ve been using me to get to Briana, haven’t you?!” Ben shoots up from his seat, “I can’t believe I trusted you. Do you—Do you do this with other people too? Try to win them over and take what they love? I thought, I thought you were more than that. I thought we were more than that.” He rakes his fingers through his hair and remembers the heating pad. He takes the weighted thing and tosses it on the floor, his tantrum is bubbling just under his skin and Rey is more than aware. She’s seen it so many times in her own children, she just knows it’s time to act.

“Mr. Solo,” Rey growls. 

The surprise on Ben’s face is astounding, as if he never expected her to use his name like that again. 

“I never once deceived you,” she says. “If that’s really what you think of me, you should go... but Briana stays here because you are emotionally unstable.” Rey’s voice returns to her medical reasoning tone that she used for unruly patients in the hospital. She does her best to maintain this, but her voice cracks when she continues. “If you do leave, don’t bother coming back. I’m quite done with being used and tossed in the garbage like a rusty old part. And your daughter? She doesn’t deserve that life. She’s too young to remember any of this. So, if you’re going to go, just go.”

Tears fall from her cheeks as she remembers when she found out Maz was not her mother, and the home she lived in was an orphanage. She was six when she learned what the word meant. She was of quite a few that had similar background stories, being left or stolen, losing their caretakers to car accidents, drive by shootings, drug overdoses and cancers that kids don’t ever think about. She, though, she put it together that she wasn’t lost. That she was where she needed to be. Maybe her family did what they did to save her. Maybe Maz found her for a reason.

“I’m trying to be there for you because I know what you’re going through. I was Briana. Do you know how messed up it is to know I was left? I was left...as a defenseless baby in the streets!” she hisses. “The streets!” 

All he can do is try to make eye contact with her, but she moves constantly. Her eyes are kept low trying to avoid being silenced by yet another person that has no idea of the pain she’s carried with her.

“I’ve been left so many times, Ben. So many times. People come and go and use and take... it’s all they do,” she trails. 

“I had my family because I didn’t want to be left anymore. But it’s not like Rose and Finn’s, where they know and love each other. No. I—Mine? Mine I cherish them... they’re my whole world... but I see whoever may have been their father, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather... their lineage shows up in their faces as they grow and so does mine? But I don’t know them.” Her bottom lip quivers while she tries to hold back a sob. “You think you’re the only one going through this? Well, I have news for you pal... You’re not!”

Rey wipes her nose with the back of her hand and hastily dries her eyes with her sleeves. “Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to be with their father. If he’d be an asshole like everyone else, or my best friend.”

Ben moves to try to comfort her and she raises a hand to stop him. 

“N-no... you need to decide on what you’re doing. If you’re going, just go. Don’t try to make me feel better before you go... I might be at my breaking point, but I don’t need your pity.” Rey shoves her palms into her eyes trying desperately to stop the tears from falling. 

She’s always hated crying. It was easier to make people happy and strong. It’s why she did it. It’s why she’d stand by them. It’s why she supported her family and always tries to keep the orphans like her together. No one deserved a life of solitude, or the self-inflicted pain that came with being dumped off there. She would go above and beyond to make sure everyone felt included and had a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold. It’s why she wanted to be a nurse. Rey needed to grow her own self-worth, and helping infants seemed like the best way to heal her own wounds. It worked for a years, until she met Baby Netal.

Ben’s lost the ability to complain, only able to respond in heavy breaths he’s using to control his own emotions. Seeing Rey cry is crippling. Knowing it’s because of his outburst ruins him. Ben reaches for her, pulling her in close to him and she lets go, crying harder than she ever let herself before.

“I’m, Rey, I’m sorry. I promise, I’m not going to go. I promise. I... please stop crying,” his own lips pout when he asks her. They bounce as he tries to keep control of himself. “I shouldn’t have said those things. I... I’ve,” he starts just to pause as she hyperventilates through her yawn. His brow furrows as he realizes he really worked her up. “Come on,” Ben says as he tries guiding her back to the couch with him. 

Rey grabs a pillow on the side and still leans into his waiting arms. Her breathing, while slow, still hiccups and starts her up again, until it completely dies down. 

“You’re right, you know,” he says as he picks at a piece of blue icing that’s left in her hair. “It’s a lot. And I rely on you to be around. When you weren’t, I started going crazy.”

“Why?” Rey croaks.

“You make me feel like I matter. You’re so good with Briana, it makes me feel things I shouldn’t, because you have your own family,” he sniffles. 

“You can be in my family. You can stay if you want...”

“But what about my apartment?”

“Pay your last month and tell them your situation. There’s,” Rey points as she speaks, “a room to the right. The twins beds are in there, but I think they’ll be a while before transitioning them in there”

“Why?” 

“They dog pile me. I don’t think they know how to sleep on their own.” Rey reaches for the baby monitor to show him what she means. Anthony is sleeping in all of the pillows while Addy is hugging his foot. 

“You sleep with them?”

“Usually,” she sniffles again.

“Why?” he asks, genuinely curious, “They’re big.” 

“I need them. They make me feel safe, like everything is going to be okay because we’re together.

As they continue talking Ben brings up his entire week alone. He tells her surprising things she doesn’t exactly expect him to share, like being overly excited to see her because he’s able to focus less on Briana’s features that remind him of Bazine’s, and more on the fun he’s having with her. Her changes though, they’re like knives being shoved into his back, every time he notices another one.

“They come without warning,” he says.

“They usually do. But Briana is a good baby. I know it’s hard not to see the past in her present... but she isn’t Bazine. But if you keep treating her like she is, she might grow up resenting you. She doesn’t know her—and can’t pass the same judgement. My kids constantly ask me who their daddy is, and if they’ll ever meet him.”

“And what do you tell them?”

“I try changing the subject. I don’t have an answer... and some days they’re relentless.”

“Relentless? I hardly doubt that. You’re kids? They were good when I met them.”

Rey snorts at this. “I’ve learned so far that childhood is a toddler swinging a double-edged sword. Somebody is going to get hurt, but they’re going to be so cute doing it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Neither do I.”

Ben looks at her curiously.

“Parenting isn’t just something people magically gain skills for just because we decide to become them. I have to be open to learning, every day, or I fail both myself and them. And failing is ugly.”

Ben thinks about the week and knows he failed Briana. “What did you say about her not remembering this?”

“Hmm?” Rey listens to the calming beats of his heart. 

“All of... this, she won’t? She won’t remember this, right?”

“No, all this is all cause and effect. She won’t be able to start recalling memories until she’s at least two. Why?”

“It was a hard week,” he says, secretly loving the fact that she hasn’t made an effort to move.

“I don’t mean this in a bad way, but maybe you need to talk to someone about your loss, how you lost her and everything else you’re going through.” 

“But I have you. Don’t you want to talk to me anymore?”

“That’s not it... I’m here and can listen. I’ll always listen, Ben. But I don’t know how to help you get past this. And now you’re going to live with us... I have small children. You can’t go having breakdowns in front of them. They do not understand, but they do know how to go off the deepend with it.” Rey wipes her face again. “They’re innocent... but they can rile me up some days so bad I forget who I am. And they need me to know how to control that. They need me to stay mom.”

“Have you gone to therapy?”

“Still in. It’s kind of an open thing now. I go when I need to. But I can tell when I need it, unlike when I was going through postpartum.”

Ben has heard the term but always associated it with depressed moms who wanted their lives back. “What’s postpartum?” he asks. 

“It’s pretty much a basket full of depression and anxiety over not having your basic rights as a human.” The silence stretches between them and she figures she hasn’t explained it in enough detail. “My kids just scream. Or they did up until about six months ago. Everything was a grunt or a scream because the other had something, or touched something, or wanted the same thing...and at the time I had next to no help. Postpartum breaks even the strongest parents and it took me a long time to figure out my weaknesses. If I didn’t see a therapist, I don’t think I would have been able to get back on track as myself. And I certainly don’t think you’d be sitting here listening to a cynical version of myself— “

“I think I would.”

“You say that now... but I have been paying attention, Mr. Solo. You like being taken care of. When you are, you’re calm and sweet, and offer to watch one of my kids. You’re open to so much more when I make time for you... but I have a feeling that if I didn’t get the help I needed, none of this would have happened, and you wouldn’t have become Briana’s legal guardian,” she trails again. 

“So, I should see someone because I’m depressed and anxious?” Ben cuts to the chase.

He watches Rey move off of him, regarding him carefully before she answers him. “Yes. I think it’ll help you, and in turn,” she leans back in, circling her arms around his waist, “It’ll benefit us and our kids.” 

Ben nods at this, even though she can’t see him. He lifts his heavy arms, drained from this evening’s activities and conversation, to wrap her again in a hug. “This is not at all how I thought tonight was going to go.”

“But you’re okay now?”

Ben pauses gauging how he feels now and what he thinks about therapy. He figures if Rey did—does it and she’s as strong as she is, that maybe there is something to it. Even after just talking to her, he’s so much better than that frantic mess of a man he was when he left the apartment tonight. “Yes, so much better. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she sighs looking at the time on her phone. She groans at the sight of the hour. “I have to clean up my mess. I can reheat your food if you want, too.”

Ben looks around for the mess, finally seeing the cupcake pile on the floor. “What happened?” he asks as if she broke a limb.

“Cupcakes revolted.”

——-

It’s late but they manage to clean up, handle another feeding cycle, make Earth Day sugar cookies with the remaining items she had on hand, with Ben’s help of course. Who knew he knew his way around the kitchen? 

The cookies they made were a spur of the moment problem solving trial. She literally only had green icing and food coloring left and Ben, the intelligent guys she found hidden under all of his turmoil, knew what to do. First, he halved the dough, coloring one half blue and the other green. Next, he halved the green dough and rolled them out like the kids do when they make Playdoh snakes. He then rolled the half of blue as it was and forced the two green halves on either side pushing them into the dough to make one complete cylinder. Rey’s never been more excited for baking in her life. He chilled it and set the oven after to give it a chance to harden.  
“Do you really think this is going to work?” She hopes she doesn’t sound worried. 

“I’m pretty sure we’ve got this,” he replies. 

Rey nods, thanking him for helping her with this disaster. “I don’t even know what I would have told the kids.”

“The truth doesn’t work?”

“Not about spilling cupcakes.” Rey rolls her eyes. “That reminds me.” She pulls out her phone and texts Rose about the situation, telling her they would figure out the details tomorrow. 

“Who was that?” 

“Rose. She made the cupcakes with the kids... I iced alone and now there’s cookies with you.”

Rey’s phone buzzes twice, right in a row. The first thing she sees is a winking smiley face, and then a message that is specifically for Ben, that makes her smirk.

“What’s it say?” he can’t help his curiously. 

Rey’s knowing grin widens across her face, her eyes hold a challenge he has only seen during their tickle fight, when she says, “Welcome to the jungle.”

———

The cookies come out perfectly. They look like marbles with their dual colors, and she knows Anthony and Addy will be interested but still complain about their cupcakes. Once they cooled and were put away in bags for freshness, she showed Ben the room he would be staying in. Being so late in the day all he really put together was that there were to twin beds separated in the room, with enough space to put the pack n play between. And that is exactly what they did. 

Rey gives him her monitor, telling him to get some sleep. “If you need anything, check to see if my kids are up first before you come in. If they’re up text me, if they aren’t pop in and wake me.” She assures him that everything he needs is in the kitchen. There’s a whole cabinet dedicated to her needs and the hall closet has everything else except for the clothes she gave him recently. 

“We’ll clear out this weekend. We’ll just need to put somethings in storage, since as you can see, I can’t store it all, like your bed and so forth. But $30 a month is easier than a full rent payment.”

“Who’s going to watch the kids?” 

“Rose and I... and you and Finn can move everything.” Rey taps on a dimming light so he can see Briana without having the bright lights on. “It’s all going to be okay,” she assures him as he lays down. “We’re going to make sure of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cookie idea will be experimented on for science! I'll post pics when they're done :D
> 
> (There might be a few typos, but I will get them. Baby wants sleep RIGHT NOW. <3)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When's the last time you let someone take care of you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cant begin to tell you how impressed I am with Kaybohls and her amazing moodboards! They always just MAKE the story. Thank you sooooo much for this!
> 
> Also, thank you so much for reading my story. I love this and them so much. 💖💖
> 
> The point of this chapter is to feel the exhaustion of parenting at all levels. If you’re a parent, I feel you. 💖💖
> 
> There was some weird hiccup with the posting of this chapter but I think it’s better now.

[](https://ibb.co/qJ5CMwh)

The moment Ben took off his shoes and settled himself down on one of the unclaimed twin beds he was done. The mattress is firm, which to him means it is supportive. He sighs in relief even as his feet stretch a few inches off of the mattress. He figures his feet can do that. They don’t need a bed. He can sleep just like this. And then he’s out cold.

Ben always has an active mind. Always. It’s why he excelled in most fields. Except this one. He really had no knowledge of parenting, or family life except that of his earlier years. His parents were good people. They tried. His father would hug him when he felt like it which as he learned later, was really special to him. His mother would play with him when she was home from work. She was the one always carting him around to practices and games. Tickle fights were all out battles, but joy and happiness stuck with him for many years because of it.

Both of his parents were from broken homes. He knows his grandparents didn’t match his mother in appearance, but he was a kid and really didn’t know about these things. Ben never met his father’s parents and thought they just didn’t live around them. Never once did he assume his father didn’t have them. He thought everyone had parents. Right?

As he grew up, he started seeing the disconnect. He tried holding on to those moments, but they seemed to drift away. The friends he thought he had were only there when they could get something from him. It was the same with girls... and when the thought of traveling to get away from this life came up, it was all he could think about. There had to me someone out there for him. Not here. Out there.

Ben’s mind is empty—clear of so much pain, for now. Rey’s here. They’re here. He’ll be safe, maybe even loved now. Sleep takes him almost immediately. He feels the softness of the pillowcase against his cheek. It’s so much softer than the ones at his apartment. Maybe it is just his over sensitive nerves that are finally winding down that is making it so comfortable but, boy, he can almost swear that he’s found heaven. His body feels like it’s weightless and that’s the last thing he remembers before he falls asleep.

——

Light begins to trickle in between dark, drawn curtains. It moves across his cheeks as the sun rises, finally twinkling over his eyes enough to wake him. Ben gets up slowly. He takes in his surroundings, blinking a few times as he does. From what he can see the room is lightly colored, maybe a light shade of blue? He figures he can look later, when he can open the blinds, but Briana hasn’t bothered to wake up yet, and he hasn’t managed the math required to know if he should get her up or not.

Not even more than a moment later he hears a whimper, but it’s not his daughter. Ben remembers the monitor and sees Rey holding a pillow against her stomach. He wonders why, figuring it may just be how she sleeps. The kids are moving though, so maybe it was one of them. He watches as Anthony starts slapping his mother’s shoulder telling her he slept all night. Sleepy Rey is fun to watch. She raises her hand high enough for Ant to slap it, and Addy jumps out of bed landing hard on her feet. She doesn’t say a word but fights with her clothes as she makes her way out of their room. Ben looks away wondering what he got himself into.

The door handle to their room jiggles until he hears Rey tell Addy that’s the wrong door.

“Addison Marie, keep your clothes on. No, no! Next door!”

Ben hears loud thuds he can only image are both children trying to make it to the bathroom at the same time. He furrows his brown in thought wondering how they’re so loud for such small people. They can’t be more than forty pounds each... right? The way they sound running in the hall makes him wonder if they’re more. They sound like they’re trying to put holes through the floor.

“No! Antony! My turn,” whines Addy. “Mommy! Antony— “

“Addison, I’m right next to you. We’re all in the same room. You don’t have to yell.” Rey tries to remind her.

“Mommy! Antony took potty first. It’s my turn!”

Rey hushes her again.

Anthony seems proud of himself, sitting on the potty with his feet swinging off of the foam seat.

“How’d that even get back on the— stop. Anthony, no singing on the potty. Focus. Potty only in the potty.”

Ben smirks at that.

“No ‘Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes’ on the potty. Ant, eyes on me. Can you see me? Stop.”

Anthony makes no sounds, only looks away and starts up again.

“Are you done?” Rey asks impatiently as Addy cries for her turn on the potty. “Ant?”

Silence.

“Anthony,” Rey tries again. “Okay,” she lifts him under the arms, lifting him into the bathtub.

“But mommy!” he whines.

“No buts,” she says helping Addy who actually had to go. “Were you on the potty just to tease her?”

No answer. Anthony just stares at his mother, making no effort to pull his training pants.

Addy calls her attention back to her. “Mommy, all done!”

“Good job, Addy. Get off potty. Wipe. Wipe again. Pull up pull-ups. Pull up jammies. Flush potty. No, the potty. Never mind.” Rey does it for her and continues, “Get soap. Wash hands. Ugh. Step on stool. Turn on water. Wash hands...”

“Scrub, scrub, scrub...” Addy sings.

The sound of a fart startles Rey back to Anthony. He didn’t. Please, please, he didn’t... Rey repeats to herself. When she finally peaks at him, he’s drawing his finger through the poop he’s just left in the tub.

“Why?! The potty was open. And we don’t touch poop!”

Anthony seems to have no care in the matter, ignoring her as he does.

“Mommy can I have iPad?” Addy asks.

“Yes, it’s on the couch—"

“But I want it.”

“Anthony, you pooped...”

“But am done now.”

“It’s on you. You have to take a shower now.”

The wails are horrendous, but then there’s a mix of sounds coming from both sides. Another kid seems to be talking to Addy, and now another person is. Ben’s eyes cross wondering if he should have taken a bottle or something with him last night. All he needs to do is come out and make their morning even more awkward. She said to text her right?

Right after he does, he starts hearing music. The children seem to calm down and so does the chatter, minimally. He can hear them start bickering with each other again, needing the next thing: food.

Rey walks over to the kitchen to respond to Ben first, and isn’t that the worst move she can make? Her children sense their dominance being swatted to the side and start their begging sequence again, this time at full force.

She stares long and hard at the cabinet, not really seeing anything. There’s food there, but the constant baby bird chirps on either side of her is wearing down her sanity. There’s something up there that will help. What did it look like again? Blue box... where’s the blue... rectangular box? It’s got silver bags in it... oh! Pop tarts. That’ll do it.

Her people calm themselves just enough to watch her stretch up to reach them, and yip like happy puppies when she pulls out the silver foil. Rey has to restrain herself from guiding them from the kitchen to the couch to tell them what’s changed and how they will behave like good little animals. Instead she tells them to have a seat and listen to a story while she’s still holding the packaged goodies.

“Are we both sitting now?” she asks.

“Yes Mommy!” they both agree, eager to get their treat.

“Okay, are our listening ears on?”

Neither move still focused on the Pop-tarts.

“Turn them on then. How do you turn them on?”

Anthony carefully moves his hands up by his ears as if the treat will disappear if he moves. “Click, click,” he says, pretending to turn his on.

“Good boy Anthony!” He smiles in his mother’s praise. “Can you help Addy with hers?”

He turns to Addy putting one hand over each ear and says, “Click, click. I did it Mommy. Can I have it now?”

“One more thing and then you can have it.”

“Aww, I’m never gonna...”

“Should I put them back?”

“No! No, Mommy—"

Rey hushes them and asks, “Do you remember Ben and Briana?”

Addy nods and Anthony stares through her.

“They’re part of our family now and are living here.”

As if on cue, Ben comes out holding Briana, with a soft smile lingering on his lips. He needs to feed her like, twenty minutes ago, but waited for this. It needed to happen, he was sure of it.

“Good morning,” he says softly.

Rey looks over her shoulder and returns the gesture.

Anthony complains again about not getting his food right away, and Rey rolls her eyes guiding them back to the kitchen to enjoy their treats. Rey helps them with their drinks and then with Ben since he’s been holding Briana, and surely couldn’t make her bottle and hold her at the same time.

“Morning Hudson,” Rey called down a hallway he didn’t notice last night. The boy she called strode in also looking for a Pop-tart wondering why he wasn’t given one at the door.

“Finn?” Rey calls behind him, “Can you double check your son’s sass-o-meter?”

“His, what?”

“Go on Hudson, tell Daddy what you said to me.”

Hudson pushes out his bottom lip, certain he won’t get a Pop-tart now. “Daddy, I just wanted one and they’re eating without me and I’m never going to get one now,” he sniffles through crocodile tears.

“Well, Auntie Rey doesn’t deserve to be talked to like that. You don’t do it at school right?”

He shakes his head.

“And you don’t do it to Mama, right?”

“Uh uh.”

That’s a lie. Rose has mastered all of Hudson’s fits based on food and it is hilarious to watch her do it. Not so much from a six-year-old boy.

“Then we don’t do it to Auntie Rey.”

Hudson lowers his head far off his shoulders, almost able to reach the center of his chest with his chin. “Auntie Rey,” He says with his arms stretched wide, “I’m sorry. Now can I have a Pop-tart?”

Rey nods and sets him up with his baby shark water bottle that matches the kids, because it’s important because a kid at school said it was so much better. Whatever. It really doesn’t matter right? She serves the fat free milk from the blue cap that she’s been saving for months now because they switched colors at the store, and yellow is not the right color for the three children of royalty at the table. Explaining that the factory changed it does not compute. It just doesn’t.

How did that even happen by the way? Finn, Rose and Rey were never demanding like that. They shared everything and almost knew what the other one was thinking in a look. Now their children are the opposite. Is that the product of love? Giving so much of what you didn’t have growing up...was the act spoiling them?

This too shall pass, she reminds herself. Their sass mouths disappear, and they will return to kinder person they were before this stage. Right now, though? Now she needs strength to get through this. Terrible twos were exactly that... terrible. And the learning curve that she’s in with Hudson is a surprise being that he should really be acclimated with having the twins around all the time. The rivalry really shouldn’t affect him the way it does, and yet, the boy still breaks down.

Back in school, behavioral science was a class that was easily aced being their backgrounds were so diverse and similar, it was just easy to pass. Back then, she thought she knew everything. It wasn’t true, she clearly had half the knowledge she thought she did. Now? After kids? Rey’s sure she could teach it.

Ben has been hiding in the corner of the room feeding Briana, as Rose pops in, smiling slyly at him. It’s as if she knows something he doesn’t, and it’s slightly terrifying.

“How’d you sleep?” she plops down on the couch like a sack of potatoes.

“You know how I slept—"

“Not you. Rey?”

“Hmm?”

“Any sleep last night?”

No answer.

Rose turns to find her friend with her forehead propped against the cabinets. Rose giggles, hopping off of the couch to recover Rey with a smirk on her face.

“Rey?” she whispers right by her side. “Rey,” Rose giggles again, picking up an apple from the basket on the counter to throw at Finn for his attention.

“Oh, woah, no there’s a baby right here. Don’t throw that,” he says. “You’re a terrible shot,” he laughs at the grimace she makes. “What?”

“Rey’s sleeping standing up...” Rose says cupping her mouth. She hurries out to handle her next idea.

“Where are you going?” Rose silenced her husband.

“Look at her. The dye blotched her skin—gonna find her a concealer.”

Rey seems to be with it again enough to ask what cereal the kids want over and over, when she finally picks up a box and puts it on her head. She points at it just for added effect, asking if it’s this one, first to Cheerios, and then to two other cereals that promise to dye their bowels green or blue.

Once she has her answers, she sets the boxes down on the counter and gets the bowls out from the cabinet above her. Rey yawns and forgets which cereal goes in its certain bowl which makes the children shriek.

“Not that one!” they all manage to complain.

Rey looks down and magically they have materialized right by her sides. It they get any closer she’s sure they would be climbing back into her body somehow. All three-start pointing and matching their cereals to their bowls. Hudson starts complaining that the wrong cereal is still in the bowl.

“They’re crumbs,” she says.

“It’s still in the bowl. I don’t want them.”

“Eat around it.”

“But they’re touching.”

Rey dumps the offenders into another bowl, washes his and then reaches for the box again.

“But it’s wet. I don’t want wet cereal.”

She’s too tired for this. Really just, it’s been less than an hour that they’ve been awake, and all she can say is there’s just thirty minutes before school. Only thirty... which means they’re going to get their food, forget about it, have to get dressed, find their shoes, and put their jackets on all in exactly no time at all.

It shouldn’t take the time it does, but it does. They all have their cereals, correctly this time, and now she’s on her hands and knees trying to put each kid’s shoes on. Thank goodness Hudson’s are the only ones that are tied, otherwise she’s sure she would have just started using packaging tape to “tie them”. And it isn’t like it’s a straight shot either. Putting shoes on a child is like trying to dress a wild animal. The concept of keeping their leg straight while she tries to put the shoe on their foot is completely rocket science. Somehow, where they’re usually stiff, she’s able to get them to uncontrollably rotate their legs starting from the hip like a marionette.

“Time to go!” Finn joins the conversation again.

Rose has helped Rey with her blotches, calling behind her, “Yep! Be right there.”

The kids in the other hand, whine that they haven’t had any time to play.

“You live together. You will play when everyone gets home.” Rose looks at Rey again. “The things I have to say!”

———

Questions start to flow from her kids about Ben’s status as if the pop tart finally wore off.

“Wait, Mommy...” Addy asks Rey. She points at Ben burping Briana. “Is that my sister?”

“He’s Daddy?!” Anthony perks up like a prairie dog. “Him?”

“What? No, I don’t think so,” she slips.

Anthony’s lips pucker feeling his disappointment almost immediately.

“You don’t know Daddy?” Addy questions. Her little face turns looking distressed too.

Rey clears her throat and talks to the ceiling, unaware of how to handle this situation, and excuses herself to the bathroom.

“I don’t know about that, but maybe we can find out?” Ben wants to say louder than he does.”

“What. Did. He. Just. Say?” Rose mouths to Finn.

“I know!” Finn replies. His eyes bulged so far out of his head as if he could shoot them at her.

“Mommy?” Addy pushes her head through the closed door. “Mommy?”

“Ben and Briana are like Gwen and the kids,” she says definitely trying desperately not to groan at her child.

Anthony stays back in the living room with his backpack on, grumbling on about never getting to know his daddy now.

“You’ll meet him some day,” Finn tries to comfort Anthony. For now, it’s time for school. “Where um, didn’t you guys make cupcakes?”

“Where are the cupcakes?!” Hudson looks around the kitchen trying to find them, “Did you throw them out?!”

Addy perks up from the hall way looking for an answer from Uncle Finn.

“The cupcake fairy thought they were too amazing to go to school. So, she took them to her castle and gave you huge cookies that look like the earth instead.” Rose said as if it was an obvious fact.

The kids seem to not know any difference, asking questions about the cupcake fairy. They want to know if she had icing for hair, is she lives in a sprinkle castle, if he— because leave it to Hudson to figure out that there couldn’t just be one type of fairy. His reasoning was typical, picking upon anyone that lives alone could be lonely—except for bad witches, the ones that put candy on apples. Candy doesn’t belong on apples because apples are healthy snacks. Those like to be alone because they couldn’t be bad if they were good. Rose immediately remembered why she doesn’t get involved.

“Time for school!”

———

“Do you hear that?” Rey asks Ben.

He looks around as if he’s really trying to figure it out.

Rey lifts her eyebrows and closes her eyes, reveling in the space around her. Ben watches her body language change from extensively stressed out to peaceful and can’t help but drink it in. She looks radiant as if he’s meeting her for the first time under different for circumstances.

“Silence.” she says. Her growing smile does him in. His own starts to spread wider in response.

“How’d you sleep?” he asks her.

“Not well.”

“Oh?” he asks, surprised that sleep can be bad even though she’s gotten it.

“They kick and climb in their sleep. This morning one of them got me on the side of my head.”

Ben tries his best to be casual about asking if she’s okay, only because she’s brought it up in a ‘this is normal kind of way’. And then he wonders if the sound he heard in the monitor was her. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks for asking...”

“About before— “

Rey shakes her head. “If I didn’t walk away it would have gotten worse. They really want to know. Hudson— and other kids at school can get under their skin. They say the worst things to me when they’re mad about it but,” she tries a weak smile, “but they don’t understand the value of their words. Ant has repeatedly told me he won’t follow me, and never wants to be with me again over safety things like running in the parking lot at school. He doesn’t mean it. Five minutes later he’s asking for something he’s focused on then.”

“But it hurts you...”

Rey nods again. “I just don’t want you to feel dragged into a position just to fill a role my kids are dying for when you have your own. Don’t let them...” she watches Ben as he carefully moves toward her. It’s been almost five years since she’s let anyone in to the fortress that surrounds her heart, but as he approaches, she can’t help but feel a fluttering sensation take over her senses.

Ben wraps his arms around her as he did the night before and she slowly follows to capture him too.

“It’s not your responsibility to be their father just because you’re living here,” she says as she leans her head against his chest, allowing herself to find comfort in his arms.

She knew she should be careful here. He could leave. Just like the rest of them. But she was never one to walk away from a hug. Hugs became a something to control her mental health after learning about her past. She’d hug the kids she lived with, and the ones that left. Rey always made sure people knew their value to her...even when they didn’t value themselves. Having Ben reach out to her was unnerving. Anyone that offered, and she didn’t grow up with, usually left... but right now? Right now? Now she just wants to live in the moment and take this for what it’s worth.

———

The day moves just as quickly as before school did. Rey’s taken on helping with Briana, which isn’t a chore. She’s so beautiful and Rey seems to tell her all the time. She’s made notes with Ben so that he can think about what he wants to say on the phone to Briana’s pediatrician, and what he needs to say to set up a consultation with the therapist’s group she goes to.

As nervous as he is about making those calls, he does so knowing that she’s got him and if he really has to she’d set them straight on his behalf.

“I have Tuesday at ten,” Ben says warily.

Rey smiles and approves of the time. “They aren’t far from here. Finn has the kids, so I’ll have you—you know,” she can’t believe the way that may have sounded, but there’s no going back now. “And the doctor’s office?” she asks.

“All squared away.”

“And they know about the formula and rice?”

“Yep.”

“Good.”

Not more than a moment later, Rose is mouthing off to herself about the last thing Hudson said, curling her lip in irritation.

“What happened to you?” Ben asks curiously.

“Hudson went on and on about the cupcake fairy and the specifics until he was dropped off... and must be giving enough shit to his teachers about it that they called—already—like don’t you guys work? Mrs. Trooper,” she whines to make fun of what she’ll say next. “We have Hudson here, and he won’t stop badgering other kids to make cupcakes in exchange for cookies.” Rose rolls her eyes. “They can call about that but won’t call when that shit head third grader shoved him into a tree because he kept ‘counting at him.’ Yes, I’m so glad they’re paid...”

“So many things to look forward to,” Rey pats Ben’s shoulder as she walks over to the kitchen to prepare her lunch.

Rose snorts, “You don’t even know...”

Rey grabs her lunch, keys and purse, waving at everyone before she rushes out the door to work.

“And then there were three,” Rose smirks. “Pack your diaper bag. We have stuff to do.”

———

First on the list is the grocery store. Rose has been more than demanding letting him know there are things he has to be hyper aware of now. He’s learned that even though he’s a man, he’s now a target.

“You have a baby, which means you’ll be distracted. It’s easier to pick people off when they’re tired too... so no shopping while tired with your baby.”

Ben does his best to keep up with the information as Rose is just firing away.

“I won’t even go out unless I have someone else with me. Usually, Finn and I go at night and Rey watches the kids.”

“Why?”

“It’s just safer. Here—the store is in the heart of the town, which honestly needs to be cleaned up, but there’s nowhere near enough money or care to do it. And driving forty minutes east for another grocery store is stupid.”

Ben nods hoping it isn’t obvious that he doesn’t know but apparently Rose is still in her ‘I’ve seen it all’ mode that he’s just learning about now.

“Kids get abducted all the time. There’s a wall right at the entrance of missing children, and some aren’t even just kids, they’re teens or adults that these people think they can use. My husband—Finn was a baby, stolen right out of his car seat. He was dropped off with Maz at St. Mary’s by the police station, claiming that they would be in touch when they located the parents, but no one ever came.”

“Jesus.” Ben cups his face in his hands. “Have you guys tried to find them?”

“Finn is hopeful they’ll come find him someday... but we have each other, and that’s enough. And that brings me back to you. You and your daughter are part of this family now. Whatever Rey told you is fine, do that, but when it comes to my kid, I’m begging you, don’t get that little mind going. Hudson can run with anything, and he never forgets anything either, so your comment this morning about maybe getting checked— “

Ben blanches.

“That shit—you need to text to someone or find a different way to say it, so it doesn’t register.”

Ben rubs his hands over his knees while still being stuck in the van with Rose. Briana’s starting to complain about not moving anymore and Ben is trying desperately hard not to start up another conversation, so he simply nods saying, “Okay.”

On the way into the grocery store Rose starts making verbal notations on things she talked about: the wall, certain people, what to watch for, and most importantly to always have his eyes on Briana or any other kid he takes to the store.

Rose has him grab a cart and put the bucket down into his while she grabbed her own. As silly as he felt following her around like a convoy of carts, she made sure he knew how necessary it was. She made sure to tell him to keep a look out just in case, and he’s glad he did. Half way through the store he realizes he’s being stalked by some shorter man, roughly the size of Rose. He’s appeared in every isle, clearly not shopping but trying to hurry them through the isle, as if he was rushing a net around a school of fish.

Rose drops her hands off of her cart and tells him to stay with his child, sure to not use her name. She projects her voice loud enough for both isles on either side of them to hear.

“If you have to go, go on then. But stalk me through another isle and I’m calling the police,” she warns him. The man turns on his heel, leaving his cart filled with water positioned behind him.

“That was— “

“No more talking. We’re buying what we have and leaving. I’ll finish as an online pick up.”

——-

Back at home, Finn comes back with the twins, prepares lunch, makes sure everyone eats before taking Ben back to his apartment.

“So? I guess we’ll take everything we can and put it in the back here,” Finn says, double tapping the side of his truck. “How much do you have, exactly?”

“Not much. Really just should grab my bed, I guess. And I have a small dresser. It’s mostly just diapers and Briana’s gear.”

“Okay,” Finn says cheerfully. “I mean, we can take it all— whatever is in there and repurpose it or see if Gwen could use it. She’s always looking for something to make the kid’s rooms a more functional space.”

There’s the mention of Gwen again. It makes Ben wonder what kind of a relationship they really have. It’s one thing to bunk with each other, but the way they seem to go on, holding on to their friends is intriguing to him. His friends didn’t seem to go that deep, and it shows now in his later years.

“I saw an album when I was there to adopt Briana, and I think I saw you in some of the photos,” Ben tries to sound casual.

“Oh yeah? Which one?”

“Album six?”

“That’s a good one. Gwen’s favorite. How much did you see?”

Ben smiles softly remembering it. “There’s a group of you, I guess after playing a game…with two girls in the dirt.”

Finn, who didn’t expect him to remember, smiles in return. “Yeah that was a good day. Three on three soccer match…”

“But there were seven I thought.”

 

“Everyone in the picture played.”

Maz played? She had to be well into her seventies.

“It’s a tradition. You want in? You play,” Finn continues as they start packing each room.

There’s really nothing to move. A handful of plates and utensils, a set of four mugs that he drank almost anything out of, so he didn’t have to buy anything else. His living room furniture, the little he had of it was moved to the side so that they could get his bed taken apart first.

“We’re going to condense everything and then put your mattress on top. I need everything snug, so we don’t get pulled over.” 

The two work throughout the mid-afternoon, taking three trips finishing with the couch. Finn swears he can make it better, and Gwen and the kids will be all over it. Once they finish up, Finn looks at his watch, letting Ben know that they needed to go pick up lunch for Rey.

“But she made it before she left.”

“Yeah, about that. You guys went grocery shopping this morning…”

“And?”

“If you had to do that in the morning, there was too little to take. And our girl Rey won’t take anything if it means the kids have nothing.” Finn motions for Ben to get back in the truck and they go off to set that right.

______

Rey’s day has been a day. Not like the busy ones that she was used to, but she did have an expectant mother call her out because she got the dates messed up as if it was Rey’s fault for the automated call, and the information she clearly misheard. That’s fine though, her two sick children actually needed to be there. One looked like he could barely pick himself up from the floor. If the boy was smaller maybe they could have put him in an umbrella stroller, but his clearly ten-year-old body was just too big and melting into their rainbow star printed, dark blue carpeting. The other kept complaining that his ears hurt and putting them all over surfaces, she could only cringe about. If the boy was sick, he was spreading his problem all over the office. If not, he was collecting it as if his inner ear wanted to be a petri dish. It doesn’t seem to be a problem for mom though. She’s in the corner ignoring them now and playing Candy Crush loudly like she’s sitting in her own living room.

Rey covers her face with her hands groaning about her life choices, knowing full well she really didn’t have another one. It was this or struggle with her sanity in the hospital. Her children were already so different from when she had to go back to work in the first place. Even with the best family she could ever imagine, the twins still had detachment issues. That much was true. Not having a father present started making Rey feel like she failed them. Maybe her choice in the matter was too much on impulse and less on doing the right thing for her. It was hard enough not having a blood related family lineage, being left so many times pushed her into acting on it. All of this quiet time has her over thinking her past so much so that she doesn’t even realize Finn leaning over the counter trying to get her attention.

“Dios mio—” a nurse complains and waves at her chest. A couple of the mothers dealing with their own children look up in response, except Rey.

“What?” Rey looks up. “Oh! Hi! Jeez…H-How long were you guys standing there?”  
“Long enough. Are you okay?” asks Finn.

“Yeah—” Rey looks around them.

“Slow?” asks Finn.

“Yeah… not easy.”

How is slow not easy?”

“Slow makes me think…”

“Well don’t overthink. We have everything covered.” Finn explains where they’ve been and what they brought. “Speaking of, Ben’s got your lunch,” he says looking over his shoulder at Ben who has decided to sit instead of crowed her space.

“I have lunch,” Rey challenges.

“If I guess what it is you have to trade.”

“No— that’s not—”

“Peanut butter sandwich, and a handful of goldfish.”

Rey stares Finn down. “I ate already,” she says as she tries to hide her smile.

“Bull. You always eat late so you can pretend your days aren’t as long as they are. Besides it was tall, dark and into you’s idea.”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“What makes you say that?” Finn asks, trying desperately hard not to laugh.

“If you smile any bigger you might pop,” she teases him.

Finn nods Ben over and shoulder rolls away from the window, winking as he goes.

Ben nervously looks down at Rey who grins up at him.

“Lovely surprise, Ben.”

“Um? What?”

“Finn said this was your idea,” she smiles at him.

Ben shakes his head promising it wasn’t and filling her in on the whole story instead. The very fact that he didn’t go on what Finn said raises her respect for him, enough for her to stand from her post, take their offering and kiss Ben on the cheek. The ladies around her that were following their conversation intently to figure out if the man was single or taken all moaned in a disapproving way when she connected with him. Rey rolled her eyes and sent them off reminding Finn that they were late.

Being late to pick up Hudson from school is like being the first asshole ready to start the next nuclear war. Hudson could be intense. The boy knew how to make strangers cry. He is the truest product of Rose and all of her quirks that never seem to relax. While he can be intense, he doesn’t really have the wherewithal to figure out when to stop. Being late for pick up is sure to be hell because they aren’t the first people by the door. He is a creature of habit. If he doesn’t keep the routine, the boy goes absolutely crazy.

Finn groans having to park two blocks away. “You can come with or stay here. Either is fine.”

Ben opts for waiting thinking maybe he should sit this one out. For what Finn just shared with him, Ben’s pretty sure he’s not interested in stirring the pot.

That concept is short lived. By the time Finn gets Hudson back to the car, the six-year-old punk looks directly at Ben telling his father he now knows why they were late.

“Is he always like this?” Ben asks.

“No, this only happens when he’s coming back down from a panic attack. If I’m not out there with everyone else, he gets scared. Hudson’s first defense is to fight, and talk later, like Rose,” Finn answers.

“Were you guys all there together? Ben asks and watches Finn purse his lips slightly nodding right after.

 

Finn, being a seasoned parent, chooses his words carefully. “Tossed around. Always came back though. She’s the strongest of them and Rey? She’s the glue. She kept us together—all of us. I think it’s why we are who we are...” He buckles Hudson in and starts the truck up again, repeating that Daddy was the wrong person to sass.

——-

Rose leaves for work in a hurry, remembering to kiss Finn and Hudson before she left. Ben texted Finn asking if they should drop her off instead given Rey’s account of the area, but Finn says not with kids. He then learns that Rose bought a taser years ago.

Finn-  
We grew up here. Rose is not one to be tried. The girl will taze anyone that looks at her sideways.

Ben keeps that and ass he’s learned today under wraps. He does not need to let on that Rose kind of terrifies him.

Dinner with the kids roughly mirrors breakfast. Rey gets home looking a little worse for wear, not really wanting to go far into detail about it with little ears present.

“Why don’t you sit and eat?” Ben asks as he gets up from the table offering his place.

Rey’s lips quirk up in a small smile, thanking him as he goes. The moment she sits the twins crave her immediate attention. Is this how it always is? They didn’t ask him for much at all... but as soon as she relaxed, Rey was up serving them again. Addy asks for cookies, and Anthony want ice cream but with no sprinkles, obviously, but she’s sure there are none. She tries to talk over them, but their needs exceed her patients, and instead of trying to help, claims the kitchen is closed and sits down.  
If that doesn’t make the kids crazy, she isn’t sure what would have. They wail and cry and run to Ben who has seen the whole thing, but they still try him. 

Ben who has no idea how to handle this defers to Finn who isn’t having it either. “Kitchen is closed and it’s well after your bed time. I can only give milk,” he claims, “And you know this.”

The twins look at each other and then back to Hudson who’s managed to save his Earth Day cookies from his lunch box. Both children’s eyes widen and then slit as if they’ve planned their attack, but before they can do anything about it, Rey calls with her final bite, time for a bath!

Baths win over everything. Showers were okay in the summer when they didn’t really want to be clean, but baths… the chance to swim like the oversized baby seals they thought they were, won hands down.

Rey knows what this will turn into and given how long they’ll take, she leans in to kiss Hudson, Finn, Briana, and even Ben on the cheek before she says goodnight. Ben’s complexion was telling even in their dimmed lighting for calming their critters at night. What’s worse is he’s sure Finn’s figured him out. Was this a perk to being in the family? He could deal with Finn and Rose’s looks if she would do it again… all the time, he’s sure of it.

Finn offers him a goodnight pat telling him that he’s never going to kiss him unless he asks. “Goodnight,” he says gathering Hudson heading towards the back of the house. 

Its then when he realizes he hasn’t really seen the house. He’s only been in the kitchen, living room, the bathroom that the kids are in currently and the room that was supposed to be theirs too. He wonders what she would have offered, if she would have offered, if the kids were in their room already. Would she have? No, he shakes his head, what kind of woman would offer their bed over the couch, especially with a baby in tow. Its then when he realizes he’s thinking clearly again. Well, it’s more like he’s able to rationalize better. Was it the sleep or is it the support? Ben’s sure it’s both. 

When he’s done changing and feeding Briana, he goes through the motions to burp her hearing Rey march everyone out into her room making sure they say goodnight before heading in. Ben remembers the monitor and wonders if it’s still in his room, opting out of going to check since they were just in the bathroom swimming like fish. Thoughts pop in his mind about how he would be thrilled to teach them how to swim or anything really. It’s only been a day, not even a whole day in their presence because of school. He wonders if he’s feeling this way because they might be his or if it’s because they’re hers… or just because of her. 

 

_____

Ben lays awake staring at the ceiling in the kid’s room, who he has slipped to himself too many times that they are his kids, wondering constant how she would react if he asked to test them. The thought nags him a little too much. It’s then when he hears the whimper from this morning. Knowing full well it isn’t Briana, Ben grabs the monitor searching for the reason for it. The kids are fast asleep, awkwardly sprawled out over her. Half of Anthony’s body is jammed into her body while Addy looks like she’s draped on top of Rey’s legs with her arms behind her head as if she’s relaxing on the beach. Anthony bends backwards and rolls off towards the pillows jamming his feet in his mother’s chest. 

Ben is sure he can feel that as much as she can, straining his lips as he groans an “ooo” for her. It’s then when he hears the whimper again. It’s her. Rey takes a beating at night to stay with her kids… and that, he’s decided, has to stop. Ben gets up careful to make any noise at all so that he doesn’t startle Briana, but she seems to love that chair so much she doesn’t move when he trips over the corner over the protruding from the bed. She also doesn’t seem to mind that he swears just over a whisper about it and because of it he’s worried. What if she’s got the SIDDs? Ben makes it back to her between the beds and puts his face so close to her face that he can feel her exhales and finally sees the rise and fall of her chest. She’s fine. She’s fine. 

Now… for Rey.

Ben hasn’t even thought about what he was going to say to get her to come with him, but there he is at her door, praying that the kids are still asleep. He’s almost positive that every soft sound he makes could wake them. The door creeks loudly and he all but runs back into his room. She said not to wake them. If it wasn’t important, she wouldn’t have mentioned it. Right? Ben listens as well as he can in his room for any stirring, but there’s none, so he tries again. 

He can’t get over the fact that he’s so nervous creeping into her room for her. It’s as if he’s trying to avoid being caught by security. He thinks of all the times his mother waited up for him and assumes being caught by either twin would be the same effect. He would be grounded in some way…but how would Rey ground him? He’s a grown man. He shakes his head wondering, “What is the matter with me?” 

Rey clutches a pillow like she did last night too. Her hair falls over her eyes just so and he’s entranced as if he’s seeing her for the first time. He should feel strange for standing over her bed and staring down at her, but something about it feels natural, like he’s supposed to be here. Like they’re supposed to be more. Is it why she offered her home in the first place? Does she feel it too?

Ben shakily reaches down to brush he hair gently from her face.

“Rey?” he swallows his next word feeling strange about saying it. She isn’t his… he can’t call her sweetheart… he hasn’t called anyone that, not even Bazine, but remembers father always used it around his mother when he’d care for her. At the time, he didn’t really understand the reason for it, that is, until now. 

She barely moves, which makes sense that she’s not a light sleeper now, since the kids basically beat her up in her sleep. 

“Rey,” he tries again, rubbing her shoulder this time instead. 

Rey wakes with a start, pulling back from him into the mattress. When he jumps back, she’s able to focus, asking him what happened. 

“Nothing… I mean… I,” he struggles to get his words out. 

Rey hushes him and tries to get up without anyone waking up, pushing him out the door with him. 

“What’s the matter?” Rey braces her arms around her body, completely aware that she doesn’t have a bra on under her loose-fitting t-shirt. 

Ben takes it as a negative response, wondering if he should even ask, but rushes it out instead. 

“You want me to what?” her voice seems strained, but curious. He’s almost positive he shouldn’t have even asked. “Ben? What did you say?”

“There’s another bed in our room and… you just… you look like you could really use it.”

Rey smiles shyly, “Ben Solo, are you asking me to bunk with you?”

“I mean, well, not in my bed… if that… I mean, there’s another bed,” he says as if she wasn’t the one that offered it to him in the first place. 

Rey reaches out to him, patting his arm in a knowing way, with one arm still covering her chest. “Thank you,” she says, as she lets him lead back into his room.

He should be tired after the day he put in, but he can’t feel anything but his raging excitement that she agreed. He tries to settle himself, remembering Briana’s asleep and separating their space, but it’s still so thrilling that she didn’t decline. Ben does his best to calm down, sure that he’s going to make an idiot of himself if he tries to talk to her while he’s hopped up on his nerves like this. Instead he watches her curiously as she pulls back the covers to the bed across the room.

Rey picks up one of the two pillows and hugs it to her chest as she did in her room and slips under the covers welcoming the comfort of resting alone. She knew she wasn’t really alone. Her kids would find her when they figured out her mom smell was gone. They seem to always track her down, but that’s beside the point. Right now, she’s sinking into a soft cloud of a pillow, hugging another one and is wrapped tightly in the sheets to a bed that never gets use. 

Ben smiles when she sighs, thanking him for caring enough to offer. 

It’s then when he decides he could ask. She was thankful for him—his decision—offer. 

“Um,” he tries, and she responds with a sigh, making him lose his nerve as she cuddles into it. Maybe later he thinks. Later. Yeah...” Goodnight...”

“Night, Ben.”

———

 

The next few hours had him up and down with Briana, but this time as physically tired as he was, he wasn’t mentally exhausted. Rey settled him back into bed, taking Briana for a changing and feeding during the early morning hours, and he’s almost positive he asked to kiss her. Ben thinks maybe he was sleeping though because when he did, she didn’t seem to respond. 

Saturday is a lot like Friday, but the kids don’t have school so the energy they would be burning there, is drained from them over the course of the first half hour they’re awake. All of it is burned off and now? Now they’re fighting to stay awake. All day they did this. All day they begged for food to keep themselves going as if their meal times were flavored coffees they had to absorb to live. 

Nap? That was out of the question...

But as fast as the day started, it ended the same since everyone, but Rey was home.

Sunday was different. It’s like the kids knew they would be doing something g all day, and they loved it. Rey packed the van the night before making sure they had enough chalk, and bubbles to go around, and other outdoor toys to keep everyone outside. She knew several parents would be in to adopt some of the kids and wanted to make sure the transition wasn’t a sad one. It always seemed to be easier letting them know that they would always be family, forever, and that a place couldn’t change that. The other children didn’t need the possible disappointment that they weren’t chosen either... so a day of outside play was important. She makes sure they brought lots of water, juice boxes and snacks to go around so that the only time someone needed to go in was to use the bathroom. 

Going there wasn’t the problem for Ben, it was being there. Last time he was, the kids were at school. Today there are enough of them down stairs to have their own classes, and just the thought of it was too much for him. How could there be so many displaced, unwanted children? 

The Hudson, Addy and Anthony all run over, excited to see the kids, uniting with them as if it was some scripted scene in a heartfelt movie. Their volume though… it’s unlike anything he’s heard over the last few days. Kids are loud. They just are. From the moment they wake up to the moment they’re asleep the four he lives with do not understand the word quiet. Ben can fill both hands with the different ways they’ve tried to as the kids to be quiet… all of them fail, even the quiet game. The only time it’s quiet is when they’re asleep or at school. Finn tried to explain that they’re kind of like whales… or dolphins. Dolphins being the smarter ones, saying that childhood was just one big Marco Polo game. Rose, when she’s had enough of Hudson’s nagging, “What’s” him like her favorite wrestler of all time, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Finn explains that its funny for maybe five minutes and then it spirals out of control when Hudson finally gets it that Rose is just messing with him. As for Rey, the twins bicker with each other for the most part. When they need mom, they’re usually on opposite sides of the house looking for her undivided attention…but when they’re here… it’s a completely different sound. 

It’s almost like everyone turns into a child…reverts back to themselves in the lives that they lived while they were there. Rey, to Ben, looks so happy and young, tired, but young. These people and this place must truly mean something to her. He barely notices anyone else but the stroller being pulled from his hands. It startles him enough to tense up and turn dramatically in defense of his child. It’s Gwen.

“Jes—”

Gwen gives him a stern look and shakes her head. “Pick another – less colorful response, Ben. There are children present.”

Ben sighs, admitting to her that she scared him. 

“Me?” she laughs, “I’m not scary!”

Ben can only roll his eyes. He knows she did that on purpose. She has to know what’s been going on and that they’re living at Rey’s now. She seemed to know everything, so why not this?

“So Finn mentioned a couch and maybe some tables,” she starts. 

“Yeah?”

“It would be amazing to give to the teens. They’re all about remaking their image.”

“Um.” Ben isn’t sure how to go about this since they aren’t exactly pieces, he’s sure that they can do much to. “I mean, if it makes a difference, you can have it.”

Gwen smiles wider, asking him if they could go get them now. 

“What?”

“We have this. Briana’s fine.”

“Um?”

“If you can trust Rey, you can trust me too,” she teases. 

Ben feels a slight burst of anxiety when Gwen touches her straps clearing his throat loud enough to call Rey back over to him. It’s almost as if they have some bond where she’s hyperaware of him and his needs. 

“Ben?” He feels her hand at the back of his spine like she did at the hospital. It soothes his nerves enough to be able to blow out his fears. “Is everything alright?”

He never thought he had a readable face. Not even his parents really knew what he was thinking, but Rey seemed to be able to break down his walls and see him for him. He didn’t have to say it. It was all right there. 

“Gwen, I’m going to go ahead and feed her. She’s been a bit of a mess today. Do you think you could get the kids going outside? I heard a couple of the kids are getting adopted today and figured maybe it would be best for them to play before having to leave.” 

“Alright, Rey,” she smiles sweetly again as Rey handles Briana. “I’ll get Finn for you Ben,” she adds as she heads out. 

“What was that all about?” Ben asks Rey. 

“Is she trying to get you out of the building? 

“How did you?”

“I lived here for years. Sunday is soccer day… Boys versus girls, and she is very competitive.”

Ben nods understanding the feeling. She could have been less creepy about it though. Gwen gave him the gee bees after that. Every time she smiled at him, he made every effort to look away. If it was a mind game, she was clearly winning. 

Then he thinks back to that night. He wonders if she knew he thought of coming back. He wonders if she talked to Rey and knew all of it. Was that the reason she was trying to get under his skin? What does she know? And if she knew that in particular, would she be able to forgive the impulse?  
_____

Rey heads outside with Briana finding her kids teasing and testing Gwen like the little troublemakers they can be. Gwen though, has it coming. She plays tag with the kids until she finds the soccer ball making it official. Kids as young as hers all the way up to the handful of teens that picked staying behind, like her, to help out, instead of finding their “forever home” start the game. The older kids pair off with the young, teaming up against both Rose and Gwen who have everyone else on their team. The game is meant to be for fun and when it becomes a little too intense Rose shouts, “SNACK TIME!” 

Snack time always wins. That and bubbles. Bubbles is the easiest activity to slow their little bodies down for long enough to forget there was ever a problem. Chalk usually follows, making huge hop scotches that switch from numbers to colors and back to numbers since Hudson can’t seem to focus on anything else. 

Finn and Ben return with the items Gwen requested, and more for them to decide on, calling her attention back into the building. Ben stops at the site of Rey holding Briana close, while sitting on the concrete and drawing with other kids. He can’t help but wonder what her life was really like. This place seemed more like a sanctuary than an orphanage. Especially if people were as giving throughout the years. Then it occurs to him he could look back… the albums could tell him, but would it be something she felt comfortable with sharing? Would she be open to him wanting to know more?

Throughout the day several kids have been adopted and each time another leaves, the kids treat it like a graduation of sorts. They all promise such wonderful things, making sure that they know that they’ll always be together, no matter what. It seems to be the theme here and Ben is impressed with this. These kids come from everywhere and all types of backgrounds and they’re still wonderful versions of themselves. 

Even Hudson, who most here nicknamed as “Mouth” reassured a child that they would always be family, and nothing could change it. 

 

“They’re just houses,” the boy shrugs, drawing yet another number in a box close to the back door. “You live here, and that makes us brothers.”

The boy Hudson is talking to looks unsure of himself. His long blond hair curls in soft waves just past his ears moves just slightly as he reaches for the blue chalk in front of them cheerfully. “You mean that?” he asks.

“We’re always gonna, for infinity times infinity years.”

——-

Towards the end of the day Hudson has begged his mother to let Alexander, the boy he spent all day promising they were brothers, sleep over. His plan was to keep his friend. Hudson loves him. Alex puts up with Hudson’s incessant talking and love of numbers, which how could anyone not know just how perfect that was. 

“Each answer was a version of “not tonight,” but he wasn’t having it. 

Hudson put up a good fight for his friend, hugging him, and telling him he could have his booster seat, that he didn’t need it and could sit in the back seat. Anything to get him home at his house tonight. Finally, it all dies down when Rose reminds Hudson it’s a school night, but so long as no one is sick by Friday, she would allow the sleep over. 

“But! But Gwen has to approve it first. Whatever she says, goes, all week! Which means no sass-mouthing, and all homework done before Friday night.” Rose isn’t stupid though. She knows there will be tantrums over the dumbest things, but if she could use something as leverage to control them, she was in for that. 

At home the kids are actually tired. The only time anyone has ever seen this is when they’re sick, or on marathon days in the summer where they all play at Maz’s and then hang out with the kids at Care for Us. Bath time is far harder tonight being the fact that they’ve successfully forgotten how to use their bodies. Ben struggles to give Briana a sponge bath, cringing every time he sees her cord still knotted and barely hanging on. 

“Don’t throw up,” he repeats to himself. 

As he finishes, Rey’s kids wish him goodnight once more and he’s expecting another quiet night alone on the couch to start. 

Rey though, has another thing in mind. Exhaustion is not going to take her ten seconds of chocolate. She worked hard today, played less than she would have liked, but she earned Ben’s trust she thinks. He’s been skittish lately with her, but Rey figures living with people he barely knows must be hard on him. Throw in their kids’ quirks and they really did have a mixed bag of ridiculousness, who wouldn’t be on edge? Speaking of edges. Her bag of chocolates probably had gnarly ones since sleeping with the bag earlier last week. She’s just lucky she remembered to save their forms by hiding them in the back of the refrigerator.

Rey’s so determined to get out of their room tonight, she doesn’t realize Ben’s door is still wide open, which means he’s not in there. She’s already back in her night t-shirt and ratty old leggings, walking around her side of the house freely like she normally would have. 

 

Rey yelps when she sees Ben on the couch patting Briana over his shoulder. She should have known he was up, but it just didn’t register. Instead she found herself immensely shy, asking if she can come out to join him. It’s her home. Why did she have to ask?

Ben smiles kindly at her trying to hide the fact that he wants whatever togetherness she’ll give him. He watches her relax, heading first to the kitchen. She quietly opens and shuts cabinet’s, taking what sounds like her Advil out and then two mugs. He then hears the drag of a bottle against the counter, and a plastic bag being handled. What on earth was she doing?

Rey rounds her couch, sitting between the cushions, on the line instead of the squares themselves. Ben couldn’t understand how that was comfortable, especially seeing how the kids destroyed it burrowing their feet between them when they’re tired. Rey sets everything down on the table beside her... except the chocolate. That sits fight beside her between the two. 

Rey hastily unwraps one trying to calm her body down. Chocolate doesn’t have the same hyperactivity effect on her that it does on the kids. To her it’s kind of like a warm hug, promising her that she will be alright. After a piece, she turns back to the table where her mug is, asking Ben if he wants some. 

Ben dies a little at her choice of words. His growing attraction to her is no surprise to him. She’s been good to him about everything. Every last thing. There’s no reason for him not to trust her. She’s made no indications of wanting him to leave... and here she is offering him a drink and all he can do is stare at her. 

“I don’t know. I mean, should I?” Ben asks meekly. 

Rey stands by the table holding the throat of her tinted green bottle with the mug in her hand bubbling with laughter. 

What?

“Ben, you aren’t going to get drunk. It’s not wine.”

He looks at her curiously, lifting his brow in question. 

“It’s cranberry grape juice. I hide it in plain sight, so I’m not begged for it. The kids always wants what mommy has even when they don’t really want it. So much gets wasted, it’s appalling. But this is mine and I’m offering it to you.” 

He can’t say no now. Even if he decides he hates it, he knows he’ll drink the whole thing. 

“Mugs huh?” he asks being handed the first one.

“There’s so much to learn,” she purrs sipping from her own mug. 

“Enlighten me then.”

“When she’s more alert, she’ll want what’s yours. Anything. Everything. And she’ll scream for it.” 

Ben spits his sip, catching it partially on the back of his hand while a few drops fall into Briana’s thin hair. 

Shit.

Rey laughs at him, continuing with her story, “I started hiding my drinks in mugs no matter what they were when they started crawling.” She takes a sip, trying to hide her spasming arm from shaking while she took a sip. Rey swallows hard knowing that he’s staring. She can feel his eyes on her like he’s waiting for her to tell him what’s wrong. Why would he care about her? Not like that anyways. They were—are friends, but it feel deeper now, like a foundation is forming, like there could be more, and it’s terrifying. Instead of giving into it, Rey continues talking about her kids. “Though, they were older when they learned, just like Briana will be.”

He watches her shake again when she tries putting down her mug instead of holding it. Ben does everything he can not to stare, because he knows as well as anyone else that being stared at sucks. He wants to help, but he’s so afraid of being rejected by her that he asks how old they were when they started as he gets up to set Briana down in her chair.

“Closer to a year. They were born a little more than three months early. You wouldn’t know it now,” she sighs at the memories. “They can be frustrating, but life is a beautiful thing.”

It’s a mistake, she thinks. It’s a damned mistake looking up at him after she said it. His big brown eyes seem to suck her in making her feel more. 

Staring is bad right? 

Then why can’t he stop? Why can’t he say anything? The best he can do is chew his bottom lip holding back his response. He can’t imagine what she would do. Baz would ignore him. But Rey? Ben found that he was beginning to be terrified of his building feelings for her. He is torn between trying again and being cast out. What if she didn’t want this? What if she kicked him out because of it?

All of these thoughts and more swirled around in his mind. The safest thing he can think of is to ask how long she’s been shaking like that.

“What?” Rey’s brow furrows.

“You’re shaking when you hold things. What, um… how long –why does it do that?”

Rey shakes her head, “Not you too.”

“What does that mean?”

“Both Rose and Finn think I should go see someone about it. It’s from picking the kids up and normal things I don’t realize I’m doing. I don’t know if you’ve seen me,” Rey waves over herself, “but I’m not some spa girl. I’m not interested in getting naked in front of some stranger for them to touch all of me.”  
“That’s not what it is,” he says defensively. 

“Oh? And how would you know?” Rey’s eyes widen, “Don’t tell me you go. I mean you are quite pretty, but I would never have pegged you for liking being pampered.”

“Did you just call me pretty?”

Rey bites her own lip. Shit. 

“Is that what you heard?” she tries to stifle her laugh. 

“I think so…” Ben finally feels comfortable with sitting next to her again. “But a massage isn’t for that… It’s for loosening tension and giving you the ability to strengthen the muscles instead.”

“You sound like the last pamphlet Rose handed me for that place down the street.”

“It doesn’t make it less true. You know you could really use some relief—” Ben groans hating the only language he knows. Why words? Why?!

“Uh-huh. It’s not happening, unless I trust them.”

“Do you trust me?” Ben’s eyes go wide, amazed at his courage… no that was stupidity right there. She’s going to tell him to leave. Its going to happen, he’s sure of it. 

“You wouldn’t be living here if I didn’t, Ben,” Rey whispers. 

Ben fidgets with his hands and nods as he does, asking her if he could help her. “I went to school for physical therapy,” he says, as she turns to face away from him giving him access to her back. He can’t help the next thing he asks. Clearly, she’s been in pain for a while. People don’t usually shake from a pulled muscle or lifting things he remembers. “When’s the last time you let someone take care of you?” he asks softly as his fingertips tentatively touch her shoulders. Ben licks he lips finding that they have been drying out since even asking to help her. He ties to hold his nerve, telling himself it doesn’t mean anything, not like he’s felt it. She’s just giving her friend the opportunity to ease her pain. That’s all.

Her voice is soft and rough at the same time, sounding as if she has been awake for days.

“What do you mean?” she asks curiously. Her eyes fluttering closed at his fingers curl around her shoulders and his thumbs settle just behind them. Ben gently pushes down into her skin finding her muscles are already tense there. “My family is always here for me.”

“I don’t—um, I mean,” Ben swallows awkwardly.

“I don’t let people in, Ben. I stopped for years,” she gasps, and the turn of his thumbs bury themselves deeper into her skin. He’s found the first knot. It feels absolutely awful under his touch. Her muscles are so tight and hard they almost feel like she’s got extra vertebrae running up and down her spine. He wonders how long it’s been like this for her and finds he needs to control the swell in his chest while he finds only sympathy for her. How many times did she need help and bat it away? Why was is he different? Why is he allowed? Is it just because she trusts him?

“Why do you let me?” he asks carefully. It can’t just be trust. Does he really want to know? Yes—he rolls his eyes at himself. She didn’t have to keep reaching out for him, saving him or his daughter. She could have let him suffer on his own. She could have, but she didn’t... and it couldn’t have been just from her experiences as a mother. It couldn’t have come from knowing what being left was like. It had to be more than that.

 

Rey swallows hard enough for him to feel her throat bob against his index fingers. “I saw someone worthwhile.” Rey complains at the loss of their connection.

He jerked away from her in surprise, immediately regretting that he did. Ben runs his hands through his hair trying to understand what he just heard. How was he going to go back? Would she be alright with that? Questions seem to spiral around him keeping him from even trying until she apologizes.

“What? No. I mean,” Ben sighs. “No one’s ever...” his voice drops even lower out of embarrassment. “No one’s ever said anything like that to me. I just—"

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain. It’s new for me too,” she taps her shoulder hoping he’ll try again. “It’s just nice to know that there’s still good out there...”

The soft groan she makes when he reconnects with her is mesmerizing. He’s not sure which he likes better, the satisfaction of giving her some kind of relief or her tickle fight gone wrong at his apartment. He loved seeing her happy. Of course, he can’t stop himself for telling her she must be an angel. It just came out, it did he felt his lips move as if he really needed to die from embarrassment. In their silence he wonders if he said it out loud and she’s ignoring him like Baz did, or if his thoughts were still safe with him.

“So, you went to school for this? It,” she whimpers in her throat, “Doesn’t feel like you’re guessing like Rose does, which, don’t let her do it. She had the kids walk on my back once... bad idea.” She smiles listening to him chuckle behind her.

“That probably didn’t help anything,” he smirks at himself as he lowers his hands, dragging his knuckles down either sides of her spine, easily finding the next few issues at war on her body. “I took a class and quit mid-semester.”

Rey blew raspberries in response.

“What?”

“You.”

“Me?” he asks curiously. “What about me?”

Rey asks him, “What was so scary you left in the middle of it?”

“I found out about the final and decided it wasn’t for me.”

Rey turns slightly, still favoring the tension in her neck instead of trying to make eye contact with him. “And what was that?”

“I’d have to do an autopsy to get my license.”

Rey just starts giggling, dropping down onto the arm of her couch

“What’s so funny? I didn’t want to go through all of it to have to back out at the final. I didn’t want to have to dissect someone’s grandma just to get my license.”

Rey’s heaving with laughter. “I wish I knew you back then.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because— Because—” she tries to swallow her next fit of laughter. “I don’t know who told you that but that— those finals are for surgeons.” She wipes her eyes, giggling some more, “I was in specialized care and didn’t have to do that.”

Ben’s happy for the dim lighting in the living room or he is sure she would tease him about the obvious blush he could feel setting in.

“What did you do instead? Sales is clearly not what you were made for.”

They talk about all the places he’s been, excluding that awkward part of his life he’s dying to confirm, while she accepts his focus on her. His hands wander over top of her tank top until his fingertips start to feel irritated by the friction of it.

He bites his lip hard as he makes his way under the hem of her shirt. He can feel her tense as it folds up on itself but relaxes immediately when he comes in contact with her alone. It takes him all of his self-control not to make any obscene noises. She’s so soft. The best he can do is think she might even surpass the softness of silk minus the tension he wanted so desperately to relieve.

“Is this okay?” he asks. He wants to be sure that he isn’t crossing any boundaries. Now that he thinks about it and his hands work up under her shirt. He kicks himself for not asking ahead of time.  
Rey answers him breathlessly, “Yes,” seeming to struggle with her own responses him.

Part of Ben wants to know what every sound of hers means. If there is one, he wants to know. He needed it like fish need water. He wanted to know if this woman felt the things he wasn’t planning on feeling. Ben’s needs flowed through him like a rushing current, his heart hammered in his chest and thought he died a thousand times just to be revived again for every noise she made. Ben expects her to push him away at any moment… and if that’s all she wanted, it could stop. He could stop. Ben told himself he could, but a part of him pressed on. She said he is worthwhile. That’s what she said. Maybe that meant they had something. Maybe it meant he was more, that they could be more.

Then...

Then the sweetest of sounds escapes her and he has to know if it was real. Say it again he chants in his mind. Again, again.... please just? He leans in towards her hoping she’ll say it, dying to ask her to repeat herself, but isn’t sure he should.

But then, with another stroke of his thumbs, unwinding the knots in her back she sighs his name. He feels heavy and light at the same time, ready to collapse and float away when she calls him, “baby.”

It’s all he can hear. He replays that moment over and over until he decides to just go for it thinking she wouldn’t have said it if she didn’t want him. Ben nuzzles in over her shoulder, brushing his cheek into her hair. It’s so soft. Softer than her skin, softer than his own. He needs more. Ben presses a light kiss onto the crook of her neck, and she stills.

“Ben?” Rey asks still slouching over the arm of the couch.

“Hmm?” he responds giving into the comfort he feels in this space. 

“Baby,” she whispers again, and he’s sure he won’t ever get enough of that.

“Hmm?” he repeats. 

“Your baby...” she whispers again clearing her throat a little, “Briana’s up...”

His lips hovered just above her skin ready to press her with another soft kiss when he actually heard all four words together. She didn’t call him baby... she was telling him that she heard Briana. Ben could feel himself tense up. His breath shallows and his eyes widen in response. He kissed her…but she never made a sound of approval. Ben’s skin prickles while he slinks away from her, apologizing as he headed back to Briana’s side to comfort his child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise its okay!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I could be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for stopping by and reading this story! It’s been so much fun writing this one and I’m so glad it’s reached all of you in some way 💖💖💖
> 
> That being said, what a week it’s been! My youngest is officially done with the pack n play. She almost rolled the damned thing while she was slamming the walls of it like a pro wrestler. Thank you! We’re done! Having her roaming the apartment hasn’t been easy to write or get any work done at all. Not to mention all last week just felt like a constant string of Mondays which I’ve been known to call Mom-days. (Not that there’s really a difference 😂😂😂) 
> 
> I send high fives to all you parents out there keeping it together even through the weeks of Mondays.... 
> 
> **** Also*****
> 
> Kaybohls is my moodboard hero! I can’t stop staring at this one! (Hint without spoilers: the younger boy is Ben as a preteen, eek! So excited!) 💖💖💖

[](https://ibb.co/Gkp4NMM)

Rey blinks a few times wondering why he looked so scared. He looked at her like she might shoot him, but she’s never lead on to think that, right? So why would he? She swallows thickly thinking maybe it was something she did. Was it something she said?

Her eyes flutter closed trying to get back what she’s sure she may have just lost. He was so close. It was like he was breaking down another one of her walls and she was helpless to stop it. Her skin tingles thinking about the warmth of his hands and where they’ve been, how comfortable she was given someone was touching her. But, that’s the thing, isn’t it? It wasn’t just anyone. It was Ben. She let him in and realizing it brought her comfort.

Rey gets off the couch, and cleans up their mugs, hiding her drink and the chocolates back in the fridge before attempting to approach bunking again. The last thing she needs is to let on to a stash of food she wasn’t sharing with the kids. Rey learned and lost one of her favorite snacks by leaving an open wrapper on the counter. The war was lost by all that day—she vowed never to buy fruit snacks again, and never did. Chocolate would not be sacrificed in such a way, so it’s stashed properly behind the bag of grapes towards the back of the refrigerator.

Next, she turns back to the living room, looking just beyond it into the hallway with a steadying breath. Rey can’t deal with any more heartbreak. She can’t. And she won’t throw her new best friend out onto the street with his daughter, not now, or ever. The thought of him being her best friend makes her smile. She’s only ever had her family, but Ben was more from the day she met him.

Rey head over to his door unsure of what she’d find. She hopes he is alright and whatever spooked him is over. Respectfully, Rey knocks on the white doorframe even though his door is cracked open.

“Ben?” her voice sounds soft even to her. “Can I come in?”

“Ye-um, yeah.” She hears him respond to her.

Ben has successfully handled Briana’s diaper and the evidence is still rolled up on the nightstand. He’s back to snuggling with her since she isn’t close to time for another bottle. Rey smiles in the doorway watching the two of them, seemingly a little more comfortable together with every passing second. She watches him rest his cheek to the side of her head, the hair that’s sprouted pushes up under his lower lip making her wonder if he hugged everyone like that. Maybe it was just a hug? Rey worked it out that it couldn’t have been, even if it started as one, she felt the wetness of his lips press on her skin.

It was real.

It had to be.

Ben stays in his cuddling position, only flicking his eyes up to catch her staring.

“What?” he asks uncomfortably.

“You.”

“What about me?” Ben lifts his head to give her all of his attention.

“You look so much more comfortable now,” she smiles sadly when the thought pricks her with the pain of the possibility of losing him. He’d get better at this and leave. Rey clears her throat, pulling herself away from the door frame and strides inside to get to her bed.

He presses his lips together accepting what Rey had to say and can only nod in response. He can’t tell what any of Briana’s cries mean, or if she wet herself unless the diaper changed color, but the snuggling... he could handle that, no problem. Briana’s tiny body is still small enough to be centered in the swell of his chest which is able to support her from rolling slightly side to side. He thought that was relatively funny when he noticed it the first time.

He watches as Rey picks up her pillow as she always seems to. It’s only been a handful of nights where he’s seen this either on the monitor or in their shared room. He figures since she’s here, maybe she wasn’t affected by what he did, or didn’t hate him for it, which gave him the courage to ask about the pillow.

Rey presses her lips into a firm line in response, and he immediately regrets asking.

“You don’t have to tell me, it’s fine—“

“It’s fine,” she says at the same time. “It is. Sometimes it helps with cramps or upset stomach...” Rey’s quiet again trying to swallow her own fears. “But most nights... it helps me feel like I’m not alone.”

“But you aren’t alone, Rey. You have everything I’ve ever wanted—“

“Yes, I have my family and they fill my life with everything I never knew I needed... but...”

“But?”

“Never mind.”

“No, tell me,” he inhales loudly as he gets up with Briana to set her in her chair. That chair has been such a help since she’s boycotted laying on the floating mattress in the pack n play. Rey continues speaking as he buckles Briana in and lays a blanket over her lap.

“It just— it makes me sound really needy and desperate and I don’t want to be those things,” she admits.

“But?” Ben asks as he rounds Briana’s contraption, finding himself pulled towards Rey the more she speaks.

“But I do.”

Her eyes meet his as he crouches down over the side of her bed silently asking permission to fill that role for her. Rey rolls to face him, as he lowers himself enough to crawl into bed with her. She isn’t sure if she wants to laugh at him trying to maneuver the small space allotted to them in the twin sized bed she’d been using or cry because of the very fact of what he is offering to her. Her eyes moisten when she feels him take the pillow from her. He’s gentle... careful even, as he puts her source of comfort behind him.

Ben’s still in his clothes from the day, he wears his dark grey sweatpants and black cotton tee shirt, but no socks because over the past few days he noticed how much he loved the way her soft comforter hung off his bare feet at night. It’s not like Rey hasn’t seen him in them before. He always seemed to like these clothes while he is ready for bed, and is more of a jean and a flannel type of guy if they were up. It didn’t matter. Clothes don’t particularly matter...not now. Not when he’s this close. Not when he’s silently offering all she’s ever wanted.

Rey doesn’t hesitate to reach out with both arms around his torso, pulling him to her like her pillow, flush against her. When he circles his arms around her, completing her most sought-after wish: to have someone who cares enough to hold her, she begins to cry. She does her best to only feel what’s happening around her. His body radiates heat, much like her kids, but this is different. Here, she could never be cold. She could never be ruined—she could feel protected. That’s new. She does feel it. Protected. Sheltered, like he’s making a home for her here.

Unlike her pillow, which had seen better days, Ben’s body feels both firm and soft. The more she presses her cheek onto him, the more she can’t help but nuzzle onto this space. Oh, she could live here, she told herself. He’s real. He’s here... but is he hers? Maybe he feels it too?

“Thank you,” she says.

Her voice seems strained, even to him, but it isn’t their position, he knows this. It’s freeing, really, knowing that she didn’t push him away. He hears her try to thank him again, this time for their time on the couch.

“It was nice,” she complements him. “If they were all like that, I think I could consider— “

“A massage from a place?” He arches his eyebrow at her, wondering if she is open to it because of him or she now realizes the value.

“Oh, no. That is out of the question. I’m not going to one of those.”

“Then what are you considering?”

“That it’s a real practice.” Rey feels him shift but doesn’t let go.

His arms soften enough that she feels the change, and she’s afraid this is over. His breath pulls her in, as if he just did to save his life. And if that’s not comforting enough, he adds his soft chuckle. Rey found that she loved those noises. He would only give them here or there, and because of it, they were special like little answered prayers.

She feels his large warm hand open and begins smoothing out over her hip. He gives her a light squeeze before pushing her away, only enough to grab her full attention.

“And what does that mean to you specifically?”

“Well, for starters, you could continue,” she smirks.

“Well then, you’ll have to turn around.”

“No chance.”

“Why not?”

“I’ll have to let go.”

“I’m not going to leave.”

“I’m not ready to. Case closed,” she says definitively, pulling him as close as her pillow would be.

Ben hums to himself enjoying her closeness. Maybe he could still help her like this. As weird as it is to try pressing into her back while she’s facing him, he manages. It’s strange to feel the way her body accepts his administrations. She shudders or tenses up completely. Her grip tightens and freezes telling him to lighten up, and when he does, she relaxes again. These signals would obviously be lost if she did as he asked and turned around, and so he only focuses on their silent conversation.

“Do you think you’d go back to it?”

“Hmm?”

It seems to be the only way he asks her to clarify, as he did on the couch.

“Would you? If you could, would you get back into physical therapy?”

He takes a while to respond finding yet another hard spot in her lower back. The very type that makes her yelp.

“No,” he finally answers her.

“Why? You clearly have the capability.”

“It’s too late to back to school for me. And what about Briana, or you?” He lets his words hang between them. “I don’t want to go through what you went through to understand the stress of it all. I really don’t want that life.”

“So you’ll go back to the office, sitting behind a desk, selling insurance for eight hours a day, and miss your life completely?”

“What are you proposing? I can’t go back to school— “

“But you could. You have all of us here. Briana couldn’t possibly be safer in anyone else’s care. You could go back to school and do what you’re clearly good at.”

“But...”

“It won’t be like our jobs. You aren’t a nurse. You’d be in recovery, helping people.” Rey lifts her head to look into his eyes saying, “Please, let us help you.”

Ben just stares. Doesn’t she know that they’ve been helping him all along? All he can do is nod in response. It’s not a no. But it isn’t a yes either. All he can think to do is acknowledge her desire to help him.

“Only if you let me help you in return.”

Rey winces when she moves her knee. She braces herself almost on the brink of tears wondering why it’s doing it now. It only locks up on her occasionally, and it’s never been so intense. Ben shifts out of her way enough for her to grab it, then lay back on her back waiting for the damned thing to reset so she can move. It takes a few minutes and then she’s back to sitting up and cupping her knee.

“That’s from all the pressure you have in your back.”

“But it’s my knee.”

“Your back defends itself sending wear and tear to your extremities so you don’t sound yourself at your core.”

“Ben?”

“No, I’m serious.”

“You learned that in the eight classes you took?”

If he could be sure she wouldn’t be in pain if he pushed her, he would have. Right now, he thought, is not the time.

“I played sports since I was a kid. It’s kind of the reason I got into the field. I wanted to be able to take care of myself if the situation ever arose.”

“What did you play that you needed it?”

“All of them— except curling,” Rey spits her laugh, “and rugby... I’ve never played that.”

“So you’re telling me all of this,” Rey waves over his lovely toned figure, “is from playing sports as a kid.”

He studies her as she blows another raspberry.

“I’m not buying it.”

“No really. I’ve always ever taken care of myself.” He pokes at her soft stomach and teases her, “It doesn’t look like you do.”

Rey’s mouth drops open wide, “Did you just call me fat? To my face?”

“No, I’m pretty sure that was you,” he smiled.

“I’ll have you know that pudge is hard to get rid of. C-sections are no joke, Mr. Solo.”

It’s his turn to make a flustered sound. “Alright, Alright. What if we work on fixing this?” he asks not making it obvious as to what he’s looking to fix.

Briana starts to gurgle a little, making noises of frustration followed by a fart and calms right back down. The both of them stare at her until she’s quiet again.

“How do you plan on fixing this?” she whispers.

“Well,” his voice seems to rumble with certainty. “First, we need to take care of your back and legs,” he says. “And then your pudge can go.”

Rey covers her face with her hands, asking him to be specific. This could totally go the wrong way and she’d need to explain herself if it did. She’s stopped counting all of her silent prayers that she didn’t just make an ass out of herself with her question when he begins to speak up again.

“Why don’t you lay on your stomach and I’ll show you?”

She uncovers her face, processing what she just heard, opting to trust him anyway, and slowly rolling over. She feels his large warm hand brace her as she goes so, she doesn’t fall off of the bed. Rey can feel her body go nearly limp when he starts rubbing the palm of his hand back and forth along her lower back. This, she thinks, this right here is what dreams are made of.

Rey can’t help the groan that slips from her lips, it’s just been forever since she’s felt any level of relief. Advil couldn’t match what she was feeling; it is pure bliss, so wonderful she misses what he says.

He’s started lowering his focus down the side of her hip, thumbing under the fabric of her leggings when she snaps back to.

“What are you—“ she starts to ask.

He has the decency to drop her waistband, and apologizing as he went. “I just needed to see your knee, I thought you said— “

“Oh, you don’t want to see that,” she snorted.

“Uh? Yeah? That was the whole point.”

“No I mean, you don’t want to see it,” she over emphasizes that he does not want to do that.

He’s silent not knowing exactly how to proceed, and Rey seems to be hyper aware of it as she buries her face in her pillow.

“I haven’t shaved my legs in months, okay?”

“Months?” He hears how confused it makes him.

Rey groans, “Yeah, months... every shower I’ve had since they were little has been with them. I can’t exactly go around wielding a razor. Much less using it on myself. I can just see how that would go. Fights over holding it, fights over getting it from me first, and the screaming fit when they get cut... because they will. Not to mention, I’m not sure if you’ve seen me, but I’m literally in pants all the time. There really is no point.”

Rey can hear the spread of his smile. He’s getting a kick out of this. Well she has news for him she thought.

“But if you could you would?”

“Yes... But, after so much lost personal time, I’m sure I’ve lost my finesse too. I’m almost guaranteeing cuts, especially around my ankles.”

Ben does his best to sound completely understanding, but fails as he croaks, “I see.” Just a steadying breath later he’s running his hand down the side of her leg promising that hair has never bothered him before.

“And, I’ll have you know, I happen to be excellent at shaving. So, if you’d like them to be baby soft, I can help you with that.”

Rey died. She died. She’s dead. He did not just say that. Her fit of laughter starts loudly and is quickly quieted by her pillow as she stuffs her face far enough into it.

“I’m serious,” he says, lightly pinching her side. “Each sport had their hazing sessions. Shaving people’s bodies for swim team in high school was one of them.”

“You mean? People had you shave other...things too?”

“Oh my god, Rey...” he sounds sort of creeped out at himself for not clarifying this correctly. Even worse is that she took it that far. “No, not like that. Legs mostly. Some hardcore swimmers did arms and their backs. I never thought I’d see a hairy teenager, but oh, I was wrong. Let me tell you— “

Rey put up her hand as a way to silence him. “Nope. I don’t—Nope!”

His laugh is contagious, Rey thinks. She’s sure she would give anything to hear it all the time.

“C’mon, why don’t you get some shorts on and I’ll help you?” he asks.

Rey looks over at Briana.

“We’re not doing this in here, and you can’t leave her.”

“I’ll just bring her in the seat with us to the bathroom,” he suggests. “I’ve seen it, it’s big enough.”

———

Rey can’t believe in the slightest that she just got changed for Ben to shave her legs. How on earth was she going to explain this one if anyone barged into this bathroom tonight?

Her bathroom is in fact large enough to hold the five of them if they had to. It’s a normal sized space, she thinks. An L shaped room that sports both the shower and toilet down on the longer area, and the vanity that she specifically got only one sink in when they remodeled this home, so that her kids wouldn’t have her cleaning two, on the other wall behind the door. The cabinets below hold additional toilet paper on occasion but are mostly used for hide and seek places. Rey’s learned that anything that is stored down there in their younger years is a toy or needs to be touched. Once she tried having towels in there. Never did it again.

Now she sits on a towel, as instructed on the vanity’s counter, waiting for him to finish setting up Briana with her chair on the floor next to them. He takes one look at her and whistles at the sight of those scruffy legs. Rey, unlike Rose, is an excellent shot, and side hand throws a small soap at him, which of course he catches. Sports, she reminds herself. Her grin improves all that much more when he has the wherewithal to put his hands up and offer a truce on jokes.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” she warns playfully.

“Okay, okay... just one,” because he’s dying to say it.

“And that is?”

“Can I braid it?” He hears her huff, “I mean I could probably braid your legs together,” he reaches down in front of her, cupping both of her calves as he brings her legs into the light.

“It is not that long!” she whispers her shout, pushing at his shoulder.

He grins, completely enjoying making her squirm. Was this what a real relationship could be? Being open and free with her speaks to his soul in ways that had never been reached before. It’s warming his cheeks and chest as he speaks. It makes him smile that much brighter. Never in his life, outside of the tickle fights he would lose with his mother, did he ever smile for long enough to make his cheeks hurt. That’s new. It’s wonderful. And, God, it makes him want to do anything to keep it. He’d go back to school if it made her happy. He’d figure everything out. The house, Briana’s care, maybe how to test the kids, and even if it didn’t pan out that they were his, he could be that role, he could take them on. He could be their father, for her... he could be hers. He is, he confirms it to himself. He’s hers, and there’s nothing that could ever make him change his mind, even as he holds her Sasquatch legs in his hands.

He smirks again, promising it’s not the longest he’s ever seen, before he asks once more if she wants this.

“So long as you do, and I’m not grossing you out.”

He shakes his head and gently lowers her legs back down to hang as they were while he soaks his washcloth with hot water. Rey watches him the way she does when she gets her hair cut, wondering why his method has nothing to do with standing in the shower. Ben’s been respectful to her though, well, when she looks past his little tantrums. But she reminds herself, those were brought on under high pressure. Anyone would have acted like that... she has. She isn’t some perfect parent just because she’s a little more experienced.

She studies Ben here in this element of his, warming her legs one at a time with a hot, wet towel. Each time he asks her is it’s too hot before he presses it to her waiting skin. The very fact that he checks makes her love him that much more. The thought is terrifying but welcome. She’s only known him for a few months, she tries to reason with her emotions, but they’re there and building fast.

“Okay,” he says. His voice sounds deeper than usual to her making her heart race. “Point your toe for me.”

Rey does, and covers her face again with her hands trying to keep from showing the embarrassment she’s dealing with letting a grown man—this man, take care of her in such an intimate way. She jumps a little when a hair gets pulled instead of cut, and she fights the urge to smack him when he teases that he’ll probably have to go around again.

“Several times, even,” he smirks.

He’s joking of course, and having way too much fun at her expense, but so is she and he loves it. In fact, being with Rey, and even with her family, has been freeing for him. He honestly can’t remember a time when he didn’t feel like the most responsible person in the room, or when he could just be happy for the sake of happiness. He’s over the moon that she’s letting him do this—even being an odd activity with this woman he most definitely admires and clearly has feelings for, the fact that she let him must mean something.

He works on her until she’s completely smooth, joking about possibly being able to make a doll wig out of what was stripped from her.

“There was not,” Rey pushes him with her big toe.

“Uh, I’m pretty sure the razor choked at every drag,” he blocks her next push. “Do you have any fragrant free lotion?”

“That’s pretty specific,” she points out.

“You haven’t shaved in months. Your skin isn’t used to being cared for so anything else is going to burn like aftershave—which I have—if you want to try it.”

Rey blankly stares at him. “You wouldn’t.”

“You want it?” Ben perks up like Finn does when he tries reverse psychology with Hudson.

“That is not what I said...” she shakes her head trying to confirm, “I don’t want it.”

Ben speaks over her every word saying, “I want it,” instead. “Oh good, I have some right here.”

Rey’s eyes widen once more, warning him, “Do not put that on me. Ben. Ben? Ben!” She tries scrambling away from him playfully.

The man is wise enough not to, washing his hands clean of it before using her Cataphyll brand of lotion he’s seen move from the bathroom on more than one occasion to help with her kids before bed time. He’s trusted once more to lather her legs a little above her knee, kneading every muscle down to her pinky toes. Rey’s pretty sure she’s not going to remember how to walk and sure enough when she finds her feet again she feels like she’s just learning how to move like a baby giraffe.

“It couldn’t have been that good,” he teased her, defending himself from a slap by carrying Briana’s seat back to their room.

“But it was—I feel like I’m walking on clouds and I’m gonna fall through at any moment.”

“That’s how you’re supposed to feel... You’re not some heavy elephant— “

Rey just shakes her head rounding the pack in play, ready to get back into her bed. She watches him situate Briana, and look back at her, as if he’s wondering if he’s allowed back in her space or if he should just climb into his designated bed. It’s when she reaches for her pillow that he feels the heaviness in the air again—a weight that he doesn’t want her to bare. He gives her a curious look, and her silent answer, removing the pillow from her grasp, lures him over to reconnect with her. Maybe he was right. Maybe all of this is more.

“Thank you, Ben. I’m now a solid five degrees cooler,” she smiles. She can’t help but watch him. He seems to be battling something she doesn’t quite understand. Whatever it is, it makes her feel like she should tell him how she feels. A rush of panic washes over her trying desperately hard to be accepting if he doesn’t feel the same.

“Ben?”

“Hmm?”

“You look so far away.”

He nods, as he comes back from his thoughts. “I was,” he confirms.

“But you’re back?” She watches him smile, then adds, “Good, because I want you to hear me.”

“Oh?” He focuses on her, watching her blush creep across her face. It must be good, he thinks. She’s always blushes right before she’s being sweet with him, and he’s dying to know what it is now.

“I’ve never had anyone outside of my family be as good as you’ve been to me Ben. You know what that makes you?”

“A good person?”

“My best friend.”

“Best friend?” he snorts.

“You should be honored,” she cuddles closer to him.

Ben cups her cheek, feeling her tremble slightly at his reaction. His chest feels like it’s tightening when he realizes this could definitely be the ‘more’ he’s been searching for when she looks up into his eyes. There’s more. There has to be, he repeats to himself.

“I am,” he tries to sound more convincing than he feels.

“MOMMY!!” Addy cries, “I had a bad dream!” her little girl whines, rubbing her eyes as she goes.

Anthony isn’t far behind her whining for his own attention wondering why she left in the first place. When he sees his mother tangled in Ben’s arms, his mouth drops open wide.

“I knowed it!” he exclaims. “You is my dad! Mommy never hugs anyone but family...you! You is him, isn’t you?” It’s the most he’s ever spoken unless it was over needing some sugary treat, taking Rey by complete surprise.

She tries to hush her son apologizing as she does, when Briana wakes up. Now their entire unit is up, and the sun hasn’t even risen.

Anthony climbs up and dive hugs Ben. The gesture of his little, nearly-four-year-old body belly flopping on his side on this tiny twin bed, is so heartwarming Ben lowers his head close to Rey’s ear whispering only to her, “I could be.”

———-

“I could be,” floats in her mind making short work of Monday. In fact, she’s not even sure where Monday went or if she saw anyone important. It wouldn’t have mattered if anything happened so long as everyone was still living and ready for the next day.

Tuesday seemed to be rushed through too, that is, all the way up until walking into the therapist’s office. Ben didn’t think much of it until he checked in. The building looked the same as most doctor’s offices that he had been to in a shared building that looked like it belonged to a failed business. There was nothing specifically charming about the box of tinted windows, except, he did make note that if he ever had to take Briana with him, there wasn’t a ramp for a carriage, and the elevator was out.

Climbing the stairs to the third floor was annoying given the awkwardly short steps. He was sure two equaled one natural step and wondered what on earth they thought they were doing when the architects decided on this poor design. But getting to the door itself proved to be as unnerving as signing in, filling out the paperwork and waiting to be called. Through it all though, Rey sat next to him, holding his hand right up to when he was ushered in.

Ben nervously looks back at her and steadies himself just enough to ask if it’s alright that Rey came too. He wanted to know and needed the answer, even if he had a feeling it wasn’t allowed. He didn’t care how much it made him sound needy or like a child, he wanted her to know she comforted him in every way imaginable.

“Right now, this is between you and Dr. Holdo,” their staff explains.

“I’ll be right here. If you need me, all you need to do is open the door,” Rey promises.

Ben opens his mouth and closes it a few times. He could kiss her, for real this time, just based on the way she’s promising to be there for him. Her eyes seem to twinkle even in this artificial light and as he stands there awkwardly in the hallway looking back at her. Finally, he agrees and is ushered in to see his therapist.

Dr. Holdo’s office is small. Unlike those television shows where there’s some weird couch to lay on, there are two large wooden seats with two blue matching cushions sitting right next to each other. On the other side of this small box of a room is her oversized desk, a flat screen monitor situated close to the wall of windows to his right and behind her is a bookcase that reminded him of Gwen’s office. Regardless of being a small room, he found himself thankful of the lightly painted walls since it gave the illusion of being larger, especially when the sun lit up the space.

“Ah, Mr. Solo. I’ve been expecting you,” Dr. Holdo stands from behind her desk. She set down a small watering can and as she rounds it to shake his hand reviled a small bonsai tree growing upwards out of an arrangement of stones, assuming that they were made to look like a fortress. There had to be a meaning there, whatever it was, he’d have to ask later.

“I’m Dr. Amilyn Holdo. Ms. Kenobi recommended me to you,” she outstretches her hand to shake his, and it is literally the second thing he notices in their exchange. She’s older and it shows in her hands, or so he thinks until he accepts her hand to shake. She’s got quite the grip, despite her thin fingers—but it doesn’t keep him from thinking he should buy her a sandwich. Women did their own thing in terms of self-health which was something he admired and hated about those fad diets. How ever she was taking care of herself, he hates it vehemently, and has to choke down every moment that offering food comes to mind. Does she even know her breastbone shouldn’t be showing like that? He wants to ask her to fix her scarf since a food offering might just be too forward especially in this new environment.

He focuses finally on the woman’s face, realizing her kind eyes and knowing smile. Her hair must be purposely dyed silver with hints of lavender showing up in it that it almost looks like it’s glowing.

“I’m Ben,” he says carefully.

She agrees to call him Ben and offers one of the blue seats against the wall, as she explains her practice and why she specifically took his case.

“You see, we aren’t supposed to take patients with connections to other patients as each life is a story all its own. To have patients that are connected in some way or another can set up biases that aren’t fair to the patients, but Ms. Kenobi comes once in a blue moon these days so it’s fine to take you on.”

Ben nods at this, not exactly sure why she even brought this up. Rey wanted her specifically to help him find some sort of salvation within himself, and be with someone as comforting as herself, was sweet of her but odd to hear from Dr. Holdo.

“She was worried that anyone else might not connect with you in a way that you needed,” she says. “Do you know what that tells me, Ben?”

He shakes his head.

“That she truly cares about you and your success in this life. That is hard to find in people. But being so, I can’t help you do this on my own. You need to work on it too.”

Ben agrees.

“Which is why I need you to catch me up with how this all came to be with your history, all the way up until now.”

He knew he’d have to. He knew he’d struggle through all of it. He knew it would be taxing admitting he was in a loveless relationship, accepting a role that wasn’t his, feeling all of the betrayal, but then came the redemption. He realized that Rey had his back before he even really knew her. Saying it out loud made him want to rush out to her and kiss her passionately until the world swallowed them up, but here he was with a very calm looking woman, who was still looking for an answer to the question she just asked.

Amilyn repeats herself asking him, “What would you have done without her?”

It’s an unpleasant feeling, similar to a knife cutting through his soul making him feel like he’s bleeding out at the thought.

“I beg your pardon,” he sounds like his mother.

“If Rey wasn’t there. Let’s say, she never went into nursing, and you never made a connection with anyone in that department, would you still be on this path?”

Ben’s brow furrows, not wanting to accept her question. It’s as if there was a lingering reality in her words. What Rey never existed? What then? Would he be here? No probably not. He’d most likely still be ruined by Bazine’s choices, hating himself, homeless, because the thought of going home was terrifying. He’d figure it out though. He always did, but he wouldn’t have that little slice of heaven he called family. He would surely have cried himself to exhaustion and had to be admitted to a mental health facility. And while he was formulating something to say in return, something to make him feel like less of an emotional wreck, he simply says, “I don’t know.”

It’s the truest form of an answer he can come up with. He doesn’t know what he’d do without her. She’s everything to him. His feelings have been growing for her and as they have so has his confidence. It’s as if she was rebuilding him, giving him a foundation of trust in the hospital and God, inviting him into stay, that’s unheard of to do for a stranger and his baby.

“I don’t know,” he repeats himself. “Rey is—she’s everything to me.” He admits his growing feelings for her and Amilyn nods expecting nothing less.

“I’m not a teacher, Ben, but I want to give you an assignment before we meet again next week.”

“And that is?”

“I want you to embrace this change. Whatever that means to you and tell me how it’s affecting you mentally. Not the change with Rey as it’s obvious, even a blind man could see it. Nothing in motion can be used for this. I want you to be able to move past your past. Once you figure out how, we’ll talk about the stages of your recovery. For now though, we need to wrap this up.”

“We’re done?” he asks reluctantly.

“Yes, we went over actually, but being our first visit I figured it would.”

“Oh,” he stands.

Amilyn is on her computer typing out her password and asks when is a good time to meet again. “I have evening hours or can-do Saturday’s since I assume, you’ll be going back to work soon.”

Work. He hasn’t even thought about work. “Um,” he shifts uncomfortably in his chair. Bing away from her during her working schedule was hard enough, throw in leaving Briana, he genuinely thought his brain is going to explode.

“I can pencil you in for Saturday morning...”

Amilyn’s voice sounds distant when he nods to her. Saturday? What’s a Saturday? That’s not soccer day is it?

“I can call and change it if I have to, right?”

“Twenty-four hours before,” she assures him.

“Alright. Thank you,” he says as she hands him an appointment card.

“You’re welcome, and Ben?” She sounds like she’s wanting him to look up at her, so he does, “this isn’t just for you. You’re healing will help your new relationships. Rey’s a good person. She deserves the best “you” you can give her. And you can only do that by healing yourself.”

Ben just nods. He’s sure she shouldn’t have said that, but it’s the truth. Rey deserves the best and he? Well he does too.

As he turns to reach the knob, he hears the faint sound of Rey laughing and it makes him want to get out of Amilyn’s office as soon as possible. She’s happy, and he wants to live in every part of it. The second he opens the door she shuts off her phone and stands for him. He wonders what she was looking at that had her so bubbly, but when she stands walks toward him sweetly, asking how it went.

“It went,” he nods.

It’s obvious now, staring at the huge clock behind the receptionist’s desk that he’s been in there for an hour and forty five minutes.

“Jeez, Rey. Can I get you some lunch?” he asks her as they leave the office.

God, she could end him just by the way she looked up at him.

“Sure, what do you have in mind?”

He should have expected her to want to go to lunch. She doesn’t exactly back off of food, unless of course the kids needed it, but it didn’t keep him from expecting her to say she had something else she had to do. Tuesday, he remembers. She gave all of herself to him on Tuesdays.

“Why don’t we get a sandwich? There’s a good deli just in walking distance.”

“Aren’t you worried about the area?”

“Not with you by my side,” she says, nudging him as they find the stairs.

Ben stand all that much taller wondering if she means it for his size or the fact that she feels protected while she’s with him. He opts for his second thought, fighting the need he feels to sling his arm around her shoulders. He clears his throat asking about what was so funny in the office before.

“Oh! Finn was having fun at Briana’s expense.”

He looks at her oddly needing to know what she meant.

“It’s nothing bad. Don’t worry big guy. The kids usually have fun with Finn trying out the latest Fortnite dances anyway.”

“What?”

“It’s really funny to walk in on...”

“I’ve been with him a little more than I’ve been with you at home and he’s never done it in front of me,” Ben informs her.

“Really?!” Rey sounds absolutely surprised. “I was almost positive that was the only thing he did during the day.” Ben laughs as she does when they come up to the deli.

It’s packed but he doesn’t mind, the only thing he can think of is to follow her through and pay before she gets the chance. He’s even grabbed his bank card from his wallet before they even made it in to order. He hears Rey orders their usuals and there’s that natural feeling again. It’s like something out of the movies only being different based on the fact that they had no melody following them around for each building moment. When he snaps back, she starts fussing with her purse.

“Oh no you don’t, it’s on me,” he hands over his warm card a little taken back by the frown the cashier gave him. He must have noticed the temperature difference. Ben gave him a knowing look, and the older gentleman said nothing, adding two of his store branded chocolate chip cookies to the bag wishing him a better day.

“Thanks, Ben,” Rey nudges him again. “Where do you want to eat? Here or out?”

“In is fine and then I— we should...

I mean. Amilyn said I had to...”

“Come on Ben. I have a place we can go. One of my favorites, in fact.” She smiles, “probably should go back and get the car though. It would be one hell of a walk.”

———

The ride was a fantastic example of why they should never eat and drive again. Ben did just fine being that his hands were large enough to hold the halves of his sandwich as he went for the ride, but Rey’s dainty ones gave her enough trouble for him to offer his help. She thought it would be fine... it wasn’t. She’d go in for a bite and not completely get the whole one, no matter how hard she fought her slight overbite, she couldn’t seem to get anything without dropping shredded lettuce everywhere. The very fact that it brought her to tears in her giggle fits had the two pull over to eat before moving on to where she was dying to take him.

There is easily no way they would have walked to her favorite spot and been home by dinner. None. It was a forty-minute drive south, to the edge of a cliff, with the gnarliest stone path he’s ever seen, that lead down to a stony beach. He follows her with no hesitation though, even though his inner voice is screaming at him that it’s too dangerous, and he’s going to fall off the side. It, though, was more of what he needed. He needed to trust. He needed to give back his time, he needed to heal and this he thinks is her place of healing.

“I found this place while I was in nursing school,” she says leading him down the path. “I failed my first physical test and it infuriated me that I couldn’t take it over again. I’d never been so mad over failing in my life— but I hated everything about inserting IVs... I always gagged at the visuals in class... I mean, I was a freaking mess.”

He listens to her every word as he finds each stone, wary of the way it moves underfoot.

“Anyway, I threw my books—not even in my bag, just threw them, stormed off to my car, and went for a drive,” she snorts. “More like I raced down the highway hoping I’d get stopped just so I could yell back at someone. It wasn’t my proudest moment, I can assure you.”

They make it down to the beach and it’s much like the path, stony and uncomfortable to walk on. The water barely laps on the shore, and he’s pretty certain it’s the saddest beach he’s ever seen but won’t tell her that.

“Were you?” he asks.

“Nah. It’s not exactly the best road for cops to hang out on. There’s next to no shoulder and no divider; you saw.”

“I did not see! I was too busy trying to feed you and pray we didn’t die.”

“You did not... I was completely in control...”

“Of laughing your ass off.”

Rey actually checks behind herself for her said missing part, confirming that she did not.

“So,” he reels her back in. “Why are you telling me this?”

“So you don’t think I’ve always got everything under control.” She rolls her eyes at herself. He can’t be blind, and even if he were he could hear her, and all of the ways she’s ever felt like she’s failed throughout the day. “I learned that an anger room is a real thing when I went to see Amilyn for the first year.”

Year? It took a year? He wanted it to be done far faster than a year. He just wanted it to be done with, as if he took out the trash... but the sting was still there, even as Rey speaks. 

“I never really used one but after having my kids. I stopped having the joy of running and playing like we do now, and on Sundays. I was always upset about something. The kids, I told you, wouldn’t listen. They always needed something. Always, no matter what I did. And my past didn’t help. I had no one biologically bound to me to help me through these things. It ate at me to no end.” Rey says as she kicks a rock into the water. “Talking to Amilyn helped me past my detachment issues that my true family and I shared. She helped me find balance, and how to do what I have to do to keep it. I learned though that by trying to avoid it, I wasn’t only hurting myself... I was hurting everyone that cared about me too.”

Silence stretches between them and the both of them stare off toward the horizon for what seems like an hour before Ben speaks up.

“I think I know what I need to do.”

“I figured you might.”

————

This is not how she thought this day was going to go. The pair of them stand stock still outside of his old house. It looked like it is haunted by all accounts minus the telltale sign of abandoned property and broken windows.

At least it had that going for it.

Being well into spring now, the grass has grown past seeding, far into a matted surface of long grass and new trees that had since planted themselves all over his yard in the fall. There were flowering bushes that had bloomed and shed all over the ground and far enough into the house’s porch she was sure that cleaning it up would peel the original paint. Rey begins a list of what needs to be done to clean up the space, but it was clear to her that this wasn’t why Ben needed to be here though. When she looked up at his face, he looked haunted. Almost like fixing it wouldn’t fix him. He looked as if he just needed the world to swallow it up to say goodbye to it forever. But Rey knew differently. Running never worked. It never did for her at least.

They stood out there on the sidewalk looking in. Rey offered nothing to this. How could she? She doesn’t know the whole story and swaying it one way or the other could hurt him more than he’s already hurting.

“Ben?” she whispers. “We don’t have to do this right now. We can come back.”

He chews the inside of his cheek. He’s been broken up by it for more time than he’s allowed Rey to know. Amilyn knows now, but not Rey. He didn’t even think that she might need to know all of those painful specifics. She knew what she asked for when they first met, and a handful of things that he let slip and didn’t exactly want to elaborate on with his friend, but it happened. Each time it did, he felt closer to her, like she was really there for him—like she wouldn’t judge him based on his past. Just a few seconds later it clicks. Rey’s been freeing him, and he knows he needs to let her in.

“No. I—I need to. It’s going to hurt, and I don’t want to scare you…”

“You can’t scare me. I’ve seen too much in this lifetime to be afraid.”

“I don’t know who I’ll be when I go—"

“You’ll be Ben. My best friend. Briana’s father… part of my family….” She lifts his head from his chest. It’s such a strange feeling doing this to a tall person. “You,” she says, “aren’t doing this alone. You have me, and it is just a building.”

It’s a building.

Just a building, he repeats to himself. But it isn’t just a building. It’s his first step towards confronting his past. Each step forward is a reminder of what was. He can see her, Bazine, sitting on the porch with her skirt hiked up, trying to tan her legs in the midday sun. He spots her in different visions all around the property as he nears the doorway. The yellow tape condemning the house to keep people from tampering with the evidence has since been taken down, which is the only positive he sees.

At least there was one.

No, two. Rey is here. She’s always been there. Ben isn’t positive she’ll stay after he opens the door, but he starts to feel a burning in his soul, sort of call to him to reassure him.

His hand shakes as he reaches out to the doorknob.

Ben doesn’t hear Rey, only feels her steady him, holding his other hand as he goes. He remembers this as something he always wanted with Baz but never got.

It’s Rey, he chants, not Baz, Rey.

Inside smells like there has been a leak. Their rainy season has been pretty intense to say the least, and now that it’s been dry the last couple days, Rey can really smell the faint possibility of mold. It’s the next thing that hits her list to check for. Right now, Ben needs her, so the building can wait. 

She focuses instead on how his hand seems to clench and sweat like this truly is terrifying to him. 

Passing through the front door, Ben leads Rey into what was his living room. It was the base of all of the pictures the in her file. Every god-awful angle showing her location. Her lifeless, still pregnant body hanging dangerously off the couch. All she needed was a few stupid officers and Briana would have died. But she is here, he reminds himself. Ben’s unable to handle the living room just yet, leaving in a huff towards the dining room. 

Although it’s the middle of the day and the light outside is bright, there doesn’t seem to be enough to brighten any of these spaces. Ben mumbles to himself about things he remembers, forgetting Rey is by his side. He stalks towards the half bath deeper into the center of his home, while Rey remains in the dining room imagining what it may have been like growing up in a real home. 

She wonders if his sports filled up his time like she used school and home life at St. Mary’s, she rolls her eyes at the name change. His dining room table looks older but not worn. There’s a thick layer of dust there like there seems to be on everything else, including picture frames, light fixtures and unsurprisingly, the floor. No one had been in or out for months now... how else would have been pushed around or cleaned? 

Rey hears Ben’s heavy footsteps upstairs, and supposes he’s pacing. When did he get up there? And how didn’t she hear him go? 

As she makes it past the dining room, she finds the half bath, which is nothing too elaborate. In fact, besides the mirror over the toilet sitting across the room from her, it looked as though it had been stripped clean. Rey checks the light switch twice to see if the house had power, but it didn’t. She wonders how long it has been like this or if he’s needed far more help than Ben’s led on to. 

As she passes the bathroom moving forward on into the kitchen, the only thing she can differentiate in terms of color is a darkly painted border of what looks like ivy around the windows looking over the backyard. She’s surprised to see such a lovely amount of fenced in space in the back, day dreaming of a time that all of this made sense. The kids would be older and playing with each other back there on play dates or whatever real families did in terms of going to other people’s houses. 

She remembers Ben, leaving through the doorway to the right finding a stairway tucked into an oddly shaped mud room. Rey wonders if the second level was a last-minute thought or if having stairs to the second floor just mattered more to his family facing the back yard instead of the front. Maybe it forces him to bring in his school supplies, ready to do his homework before going off to doing the next fun thing. Whatever the reason, it’s different, and not at all a bad thing.

Rey explores the house carefully like a nurse would for her patient. She pays attention to wear and tear, to Ben thudding around with his thundering steps, to the way she feels in this space and everything she wants to change. Each step up the stairs creek, warning Ben as she approaches. Does it matter though? It wasn’t like he doesn’t know she’s there. He held her hand and guided her in. 

Ben curses as he makes it out of his childhood room, past the office that doubled as a “closet” where she used to dump all of her stuff she didn’t bother putting away, into their room. Their room, he snorted. He wondered how many people she had in their room. If they even knew she was dating him or if it even mattered. He was no one to her. Nothing. Disposable. 

Ben raged forward breaking her things, pulling the sheets off their bed and promising to burn them, everything, all of it for the world to see. In that moment, he didn’t care what Maz had to say, or that they were neighbors. It didn’t bother him that it was “their” stuff. It is just that, stuff. And he didn’t need it reminding him of what he never had. 

He hears Rey’s footsteps but doesn’t realize it’s her. He’s so destroyed, hanging just barely on a thread, sobbing about how crewel she was, that his response to Baz being there rips him in two. 

He mumbles something acidly, making Rey freeze in place. 

“Didn’t you hear me?” He grits his teeth, balling up the sheets to shove them in Baz’s ungrateful face.

Rey lifts her hands as if she’s trying to calm a wounded animal.

“Ben, sweetheart,” she wrinkles her nose calling a man like him sweetheart. To her, Ben is her hero, her best friend, and wants so much more. Sweetheart makes her think about her kids and that’s wrong. His lingering message delivered to her on his hot breath near her ear that night remind her again of this, so she tries another pet name.

“I don’t want you here,” he grits out still kneeling on the ground clutching one of his pillows like Rey would.

“Honey,” she swallows back her own tears trying not to accept that he’s disposing of her. Rey reaches out for him, running her fingers through his long dark hair while repeating his name. “It’s me,” she says squatting by his side. 

Rey runs her fingers through his hair, just as she knows he likes, which is the same pattern she uses for both Anthony and Addy, promising him it’s her and that she’s got him. 

“Rey,” he croaks. “Where were you?”

“You left me down stairs... I thought you needed this.”

He shakes his head. “Just you,” is all he can manage. “She hurt me, Rey. I see her everywhere. And—and, I thought...”

“She was back?”

He nods. 

“How did you know?”

“Of all the ways I’ve seen you, Ben, you’ve never once tried to growl at me,” she curls his hair over his ear sweetly. 

“I growled at you?”

“Like a toddler.”

He lets out an uneven breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“Rey— “

“Ben... this is some pretty messed up shit you’ve been through. If you were really going to go through life being wonderful and handing out flowers instead of trying to break shit, I’d have you admitted.”

Ben chuckled, snorting at the same time.

She’s able to get Ben to tell her everything. Every last awful feeling including being completely abandoned by Bazine when she died. He was sure he was so close to love with her that nothing else mattered.

“But it was all a lie, and I’m stuck here still blistering up in pain of all of her actions. It’s been months—no, practically a year and I’m still feeling this way.” Ben wipes his nose on the back of his hand. “Still so alone.”

“But you aren’t alone, Ben.”

Her truth is striking, stopping all forward though immediately.

It takes some time for it to completely register, but she doesn’t move, not even a little to adjust the uncomfortable squat she’s in. None of that matters now. Only this. Only locking eyes with his. It matters that he knows. It matters that he connects with her.

And when it clicks, and Ben’s response falls from his lips, she’s captured them with her own. 

He said it. He made her feel like she could always matter: “Neither are you,” she repeats it in her mind like a prayer that could end all suffering. Rey tucks it into the far reaches of her mind so that it can always sing to her when she needs it the most. For now, their connection is all she needs. Her legs buckle pushing her forward, that much closer to him. Their movement makes him gasp, opening his mouth to her. All of her undesirable experiences in years past drove her to let go—to dive deep within and only come up for air when it is absolutely necessary. 

Ben’s lips are soft and accepting, moving with hers as hungrily as she is his. Her fingers weave back into his hair, winding through it searching for the back of his head to cradle him properly. She wanted him to feel cherished, to feel loved...to feel what she does when he showered her in his promise.

He’s so welcoming she could cry. Is she? She’s never cried while kissing anyone—and hated crying altogether, but this release is more than she could have ever imagined. His tongue strokes hers with care feeling his way over hers like he’s mapping it. The very thought makes her body tingle. It’s care. It has to be. If he didn’t want this, he wouldn’t be so aware of her. He’d flick his tongue around if he even wanted to until she would stop like every other man, she tried to date years ago, but not Ben. Ben makes her feel like she’s important—like she’s saved him. 

Parting is awful, but they need to breathe. 

“Why are you crying?” he asks, cupping her face with both of his hands like he found a priceless treasure. 

Rey shakes her head, admitting that they’re happy tears doing her best not to look into his eyes while she sobs, but its all he can do to reconnect with her. 

“Have you always felt like this? With me?” he tries to quiet his doubt. 

Rey nods, “Over time.”

“When did you know for sure?”

“It wasn’t obvious?” she raised her brow at him. 

“I just—”

“Want to hear me say it.” She finishes his sentence. Rey nods and looks away shyly, as if she didn’t just leap over her line in the sand. “When you left the NICU. I tried. I tried saying goodbye, I did. But I couldn’t.” Rey sniffles, saying, “And it wasn’t just about Briana and my past… like you claimed when you came by that night.”

He watches her dumbly and she shoves him. 

“You really didn’t know?” 

“I—” he listens to her blow raspberries in response. “Hey. I wanted this… but I couldn’t imagine you did.” He thinks about every way she touched him, held his hand or made some gesture that made him smile. It wasn’t as obvious as it is now. It wasn’t… but it doesn’t matter does it?

Ben makes his way back to standing helping her up as he went, suggesting that they get out of this place. 

“You know, we can fix it,” Rey offers. “Give it new life… a new meaning…” She thinks of Finn and how happy he would be to renovate anything at this point. It’s already been a few years for him between projects and he could really get into something like this. 

“What new life are you suggesting,” he leans back down to her, his lips barely grazing hers.

“Yours,” she whispers accepting him again. 

“Are you kicking me out?” he questions her. She would never, right? His skin starts to prickle all over again. 

“Never.” His words echo again in her mind, promising a role she was sure he wasn’t ready for. 

It isn’t until she looks at the mess he’s left on the floor when she sees the broken glass from a decorative wall mount that guides her eye around the room again. She remembers from her notes that he didn’t call the place his. He called it his parents, and what’s more is that he said he recently received it after they passed. Her brow furrows as she takes in the set up. He was never around. Always working, she remembered. Which means that if he was never home, and she was clearly no homemaker, what was left on the walls and in the living room, had it not been used, would have surely still been his of his parent’s doing. She looks again at the ground with concern etched on her face at pictures of a little boy growing up in all of his sports attire scattered all over the floor making her heart race. They all looked like she was looking into the future of who Anthony would soon become.

“Ben?” she asks warily, bracing herself as she hooked her arms around his torso for support. She didn’t know what to think. It could all just be her hopeful mind playing tricks on her, and no matter how she tries to steel herself for disappointment, she’s almost positive she may faint if he says yes.

He’s silent while she makes her connections. 

She swallows hard, trying to ask her question and barely recognizes herself, whispering, “When you said ‘you could be’... Did you mean you could be theirs?”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaybohls... Words cannot express your genius. I feel like I give you ingredients and you give me cupcakes! This moodboard (just like all of them) are going into my book of favorites. I can just feel the chapters before I reread them. hehe! Thank you so much!
> 
> ********
> 
> Also, a huge thank you for reading this fic. I am truly enjoying writing it and I'm blown away at the reactions it's gotten. More than that --I'm truly happy that its connected with you all in some way. Parenting is hard. Life is hard. And you're doing awesome every day. Don't forget that. <3

[](https://ibb.co/qn6VVBw)

He hasn’t said anything yet. Ben holds no definitive answers, really, but meant what he said. He could be. 

If she lets go, she’ll fall—black out even, she’s sure of it. Rey’s eyes feel heavy and her body feels weak, but she holds on.

Anthony, she thinks the pictures are him down to his long thick hair and kind eyes. But then she sees more. She thinks she sees Addy’s dimples, then notices the spread of his smile. It’s him, isn’t it? He’s their father. 

Rey slides down him like a rope hanging from the ceiling in gym class. Her body still pressed very firmly to his makes him wonder if she wasn’t ready for such a turn of events. 

It’s not like either of them know for sure, but the thought of him being the needle in a haystack is terrifying. It’s not necessarily because of anything he did, but she was sure she’d spend the rest of her life without a significant other. Without her soulmate

Once on the floor, Rey reaches out to carefully pick up the first picture she saw, doing her best not to worry the corners as she has been known to in the past. Pictures never seemed to last for Rey. She “loved on them” as Maz called it, whenever she was given such a lovely picture of her family. 

“I told you you’re family, Ben,” she whispers. “But I never dreamed you could really be family—blood related and all.”

Ben crouches down with her and she releases his leg for him to do so. 

“It doesn’t mean we are. I did it once, years ago. You have a better chance, God, with anyone else, Rey.” He cups her face as he’s learned he loves the feeling of cradling it in his hand. “We don’t have to check. We don’t have to now or ever if you don’t want to,” he says wiping a tear that’s running down her cheek. “But I’m here, Rey. I’m here for you, just as you’ve always been for me. You’re my guiding light in a hall of darkness, and I will always follow you. You’ll never be alone.”

Rey’s lips bend as she frowns deeply accepting every word he’s said, every deeper meaning he’s ushered out to her. It’s all she ever wanted, really. To be told she was wanted, to be told another would be there for her, to know that blood or water made no difference. It’s her turn to confirm that he won’t either and she doesn’t hesitate, asking what this means for them now.

“Well, we can take it slow... do what we’ve been doing...see this through naturally, the way lovers do.”

“Or?” she smirks at his bewildered expression. She just wants to see what he’d say, honestly. 

He shakes his head trying to clear his thoughts, when a particularly good line somehow makes it out of him. 

“You’re not a tissue, Rey. I’d never use you.”

“I bet you say that to all the girls,” she smirks at him. 

“Just you.”

Her eyes widen just as another tear slips from her. She lunges at him again, throwing her arms around his neck, pulling him as close as she can. Rey feels the way surprise hits him when she does but softens as she nuzzles in. She’s sure she could die in his hold. His strong arms clinging to her as desperation surges through her. 

“Ben,” she cries, hearing him shush her makes her nuzzle in that much more. She needs his contact. Not for what he might be, but for who he is to her. 

He lets her calm down on her own, figuring she just needed that time, promising she was fine. As she came down, she whispers, “This doesn’t change what I feel for you, at all.”

“What do you feel... for me?”

She pulls away from him to watch his expression change when she admits it to him. 

“Sad to say, I’ve never been in love before. I thought I was. And love for your family is far different,” she whispers. “I won’t be able to say it until I absolutely know,” she strokes his cheek. “But, I’m ready for all the time you’ll give me, if that makes sense.”

“I’ll give you every day, every hour, every moment this life gives me. I’m yours. I’ll be yours and only yours until you don’t want me anymore.”

“Don’t say that—she was ungrateful. And gone. You—I could never do that to you. I’ll always want you. You’re my best friend,” she laces her fingers with his, “you’re more, and always have been.”

It’s enough, he thinks. It’s more than Baz ever said to him. Warmth spreads through his chest and the home around them seems to disappear. She’s promising to feel it first before swimming in a lie. It’s something he can get behind, he knows this. He knows he can teach her to love him... to reach her. 

As he looks into her eyes, he watches her do the very same, searching for the very root of who he is. She looks like she’s swimming in an endless sea, diving further and further into him, before she shielded again. Her eyes flutter closed as she leans forward once more, giving blissfully softer kiss.

Ben settles with her, taken back by her bravery, wondering what it was she found. What could possibly motivate her to reach for him again after being shocked by this. Maybe he should have told her when Rose called him out, or when he realized it after the park, but he was sure it would scare her. He was sure she’d kick him out of their lives. All he’s ever wanted was somewhere to belong—and Rey? She’s it. She could have a hundred kids from all different fertilizations, and he would do everything in his power to make her feel the love she deserved. Ben promises himself that he’ll do it. She’ll see. She’ll feel love the way she’s was meant to. 

His thoughts are pulled from him as if she can hear him. There’s an undeniable rhythm to their kiss, a push and a pull that cannot be ignored. Ben feels his heart skip a beat when she whimpers into his mouth. There’s nothing like this. It’s bliss he thought. All at once he’s hit again with a memory of Baz pushing him away. Moving to readjust himself so that she doesn’t, Ben grabs the side of her waist, dragging her tiny frame up close to him. Closer, and closer until she pressed up flush against his body.

“Ben,” she whispers his name but is silenced by him once more. His heart nearly explodes when she tells him how thankful she is to have had these moments with him. He tries to kiss her through it, but she combats his needy advances with her nose, guiding his from side to side to let her speak. 

Once it’s out, he stills.

“You mean that?”

It was needy of herself to say. Her only rational thought is drunk lust, hanging on my just a string. There was no going back now. 

“Yes, I’m yours. I always was,” she whispers. 

It settles him far more than he ever knew possible. 

—————

It’s late now and she’s sure Rose is already on a rampage having to get back to the hospital for her night shift. 

Ben offers to drive on their way back, which is a step up for him, winning a grin from Rey. 

“Don’t like my driving?”

“That is not what I said,” he slings his arm around her shoulder like he wanted to before. It feels kind of odd, like he’s trying too hard, so he lowers it to wrap more casually around her waist as they walk out of the house. 

“Relax, would you?” she says handing over the keys to her Kia, “I just figured you had more space as a passenger. You can drive if it makes you feel better.”

“The man’s supposed to drive,” he lifts his chin a little. 

Rey can only shake her head, glad to be in the car with him instead of in that mental death trap of a home. She wants permission to strip it down, remove everything that reminds him of her. Every last thing. He doesn’t deserve the torture. 

No one did. 

She wonders what Bazine was like. If she was just in the wrong crowd or there was just something mentally wrong with her. As a nurse, seeing it firsthand would have been ideal, but then she wouldn’t be here with him. The very fact hits her hard in the gut, knowing full well she was not that type of person. She couldn’t be jealous of their relationship. Could she? 

Rey imagines him courting this woman, being as good as he is to her, to Bazine instead. Bazine... she tries out her name again, wondering what type of origin that comes from. Bazine, she tries again, she sounded like a woman that clearly needed help and fought anyone that got in her way. 

Rey promises herself never to do that. Not for his sake or her kids. God, here we go on her memories of this day, she thinks. They’re like an overflowing jar of lightning bugs, each glowing at their own times, trying to grab her attention. One after another until she shakes her head free of it. Tonight, isn’t for feeding the hungry beast of their pasts. Tonight would be for exploring who they could be. 

Rey rests her head on Ben’s shoulder, and he wants to squeal like a little girl. It would be unmanly though and way too embarrassing to explain how his heart exploded when she leaned on him. This, just like his giggling after laughing at the mention of him being a “Daddy” would never make it out of him—ever. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

“Hmm?”

“You’re quiet.”

“And?”

“You’re usually thinking when it’s quiet.”

He lifts his eyebrows making no effort to tell her she’s wrong. It’s kind of wonderful that she knows him like this. 

“I was.”

“About what?” her voice practically sings her curiosity. 

“Just happy it’s you. That we’re this. It feels—-“

“Right.” Rey finishes his answer with her own. “It feels right.”

—————

Being back suddenly feels different. They aren’t exactly just roommates anymore. Ben wonders how to break the ice with her family that they’re together. His palms start to sweat in response. What if they don’t like this? What if they’ve only been nice to him because Rey said to? Would they make him leave? Or stop? His skin prickles imagining having to go back to his parent’s house in the state it’s in—in the state he’s in. He wasn’t there for long and turned into a monster, raging on about the pain of his past relationship. Knowing himself, the passionate man he is, he wouldn’t dream of putting anyone in harm’s way of his rage. It’s absolutely apparent that he and Briana can’t live there together.

He’s not strong enough. 

He blinks around his space not noticing that they’ve gotten inside, and Rey is shrugging off her thick sweatshirt. When did that happen? He hears a faint conversation between Rey and Rose in the background. Not much more than hellos, and a confirmation that she took the night off and the following day. 

“Hera resigned. I’m pretty sure if you didn’t when you did, she would have. At least she isn’t reheating fish in the break room anymore.” Rose grabs a clear bottle of something. It looks frosted and has some symbol on it that he can’t quite make out. Her ring taps on it purposely. It almost sounds like Morris Code. 

“You’ll have to get your own, buddy. This bottle is mine,” Rose says pressing her thumb to her chest. 

“What is it?” He sounds more like a child to her and she smirks.

“Vodka. And I ain’t sharin’.” Rose says as she holds his confused stare, pointing a finger off the bottle between the two of them. “I think a congratulations is in order.”

Rose is no blind woman. And Ben? He looks mortified, as if they have been caught in the act. 

“Congratulations,” he says. “Were you promoted?”

Rose snorted. “I wouldn’t take that job even if they offered me a mansion, cleaning crew and money to pay for it all.” She took a swig of her drink right from the bottle, looking back up at him before Rey, “No, no... you’re a thing now, right?”

Does she know? 

How does she know? 

“Tell me again why you weren’t a cop?” Rey elbows her friend

“Because I wouldn’t be able to openly taze people I didn’t like.”

Rey loses her composure over that one. Rose is a little bit of an entertainer when it comes to comebacks. That one though, that was certainly one she hasn’t heard before.

Ben’s unsure of Rose. She seems a little too brash sometimes but has to remember that she too had a mentally challenging life. He can only wonder what she actually went through. What the homes were like, why she can be so off and on. He wonders if these jokes— if that’s what he can call them, are for her own self help. Amylin said it could be anything. Maybe this was hers. 

Of course, he isn’t stupid enough to ask someone that tazes people, but he is definitely keeping his feelers out for this. Ben assumes that the best way to categorize this is to call it recon. Learning from others in sports and life was always how he got so far ahead. It was how he controlled himself in awkward conversations, and even now when Rose makes him uncomfortable, he’s smart enough to keep his mouth shut. 

“Thank you?” he says quietly, his eyes are wide and begging Rey to help him out. 

She does. It’s simple and sweet the way she explains that it was bound to happen. Ben lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. When she finishes, she smiles at him. If anyone could see how he sees her, they would know just how important she is to him. He’s almost positive words aren’t enough. 

It registers with him only slightly that this, again, never happened with Bazine. She never really stood up for him, not even when she would introduce him to her weird friends. It never bothered him then, but the gesture Rey gives, making it painfully obvious that he’s part of her world is outstanding. He feels like she did in the moments after he shaved her legs. What was it she called it? It felt like she was walking on clouds? Well, he smirks inwardly, he’s barely floating above them, sure he could fall. Sure, he could wake up at any moment, chalking this up to be a horribly unfair dream. But she’s there with her friend, loving the way he’s looking at her. 

Isn’t that something, he thought. There was no way that he thought he would be here. If it wasn’t reachable with Bazine, who he was sure felt something for him, then no one could. But now? With all that has transpired, with Rey clutching his childhood pictures as if they would disappear, he’s star struck knowing he will do anything to keep this balance. 

“C’mon,” Rose nods towards another door that she knows he hasn’t entered. Finn vouched for it before she even made it into the kitchen. Ben never saw the rest of the house, and since he was “in” for more than family, she figures it was time to give him the grand tour. 

Rey tells them that she’ll join up in a bit, wanting a collection of things and to kiss her kids goodnight. 

Rose shrugs telling Ben that Briana is in with Finn. 

“He’s been coaching her all day to call him Uncle or just Finn,” she smiles, even though he can’t see her. The hallway that the door opens into is dark. 

They pass a sliding door looking cabinet to the right and wonders if that’s the washer and drier, figuring he didn’t want Rey or anyone else taking on that responsibility anymore. If this thing with Rey could be, he was sure she didn’t need the pressure of taking care of three little ones and everything else. He smiles at himself thinking she would think so highly of him for taking on more than being a breadwinner. The hallway is shorter than he would have imagined. Only enough for that space and a long mirror on the left wall. Below it is a long thin table only able to hold two small lamps on either side. He wonders about the trinket sort of items he can barely see, and the book that sits there, but figures he can go back the next morning to find out. 

As they make it through to the room Rose mentioned to Rey, the first thing he realizes is that it’s large. Almost like they wanted a basement but decided against it, keeping it aboveground instead. If he were to measure it based on rooms, he’s almost positive that Rey’s room would fit in it, maybe three and a half times. It’s square and split into multiple sections based on their corners. One has stuffed kid’s seats and beanbags, which Rose literally ran off to, leaving him in the doorway. The wall to the left of him looks like a reading center, complete with bookshelves stuffed with everything from cloth books to board ones, all the way to both paperback and hardcover books. It’s clear they take their reading seriously. There are little tables for… well he doesn’t know. Ben would think that they would take their book anywhere, being that they’re kids, and he for one wasn’t the type of kid that could sit still. 

His mind wanders to Anthony, wondering if he’s the same. He wonders what it would be like to find out how alike they are. He wonders if it would show up in day to day things or if he had to go back and remember being that old. It isn’t like he can just go ask his mom or reach out to his father. There might be movies or more pictures in the house but for now, the best he can do is try to remember. 

He isn’t ready to go back. 

To the right of him are cubby holes reminding him of Care for Us’ mud room set up. They’re under a large bench, again, looking like a table, which he wonders why the decided on white furniture. Wouldn’t it just get destroyed? He assumes their shoes and things for outside are underneath since their coats and sweatshirts are hanging from hooks on a wall mount that looks as though it was meant to match the set. Just above that were their first and middle names stacked over each of the pegs. The first being Hudson Jordan, the next Addison Marie, and the last Anthony Douglas. He wonders if they’re set up like this to alternate as boy, girl, boy or if they were set up in their birth order. It’s another question he wanted answered. 

Just beyond it is a large glass sliding door, which looks odd. As he studies it Rose is back in the center of the room with Finn cooing over how sweet Briana looks with her eyes wide open and checking things out. 

“Party’s over here, Ben,” He hears Rose call him over. 

He would figure out that doorway situation and get his bearings another time. As for now? Now it’s time to be welcomed by the group. 

Finn and Rose sit around a sectional that has seen better days. The kids are clearly animals on it. Nothing in the room looks quite as warn as that thing. In fact, he assumes that the person that sold his crappy couch to him probably had kids by the looks of this thing. The couch itself is brown, probably to hide most of the crap that they are most likely sitting in. If he’s learned anything from Hudson, mostly Hudson, is that he likes to shove his snack into the cushions. 

Ben can’t stop himself from wanting to yack. He’s seen the boy do it with all types of things, whether they be soft, or sticky, or hard like Cheerios, that boy stuffs shit into the couch for later use. Maybe that’s why Rey offered the kid’s beds to begin with. Maybe she—she has to know. She lives with them. 

He moves to join them on the decrepit couch noticing they’ve covered the cushions in thick blankets, tucking them into the sides of the couch, layering the corner seat with an extra blanket that tucked into the back and front of the seat itself. This looks promising he thinks. 

Finn must have noticed and makes mention to the shape of it, “It’s got good bones. When the kids are out one of these days, I’m going to fix it.”

Ben looks it over hoping he doesn’t fall through it when he sits down. 

“It’s not that bad,” he hears Rey say as she joins them. “The corner’s the best spot.”  
“Well don’t you look rejuvenated,” Finn teases. “What did you guys do today?”

“Besides each other,” Rose joined. 

“That is not—” Rey protests.

“I know. You’ll glow after that. Right now, we have a tea light… after…” Rose fans herself. 

“I’m surprised Hudson’s an only child, Finn.” 

Ben stays out of this. It’s not his place to get involved so he waits patiently for his turn to jump in.

“Ha, ha, ha! No, you aren’t,” Rose gives a straight face. “You know Hud… I’m pretty sure we used up all of our collective intelligence that child. Anyone else we have is going to have the IQ of a rock. At least yours were split at conception. They’re pretty much equal.”

“So, this is an interesting set up you have here,” Ben tries to intervene. “I’ve never really seen a two family quite like this before.”

The three of them swivel their heads like the kids do and it’s hard not to think of them. Rey goes to sit down on the couch, purposely not sitting on the rounded corner, waiting for Ben to enjoy that spot. There’s a light wood table, roughly the width of a coffee table in front of them, where Briana’s chair buzzes. Ben’s a little taken back by the noise when Finn fills him in that they never put the batteries in. 

“It’s like she has her own massage chair that sings,” he motions to the side of the chair where the buttons are on. “Don’t let the kids find it. This thing will be broken in an hour.”

Rose opted for the fluffiest beanbag chair Ben’s ever seen. Clearly too small for him, but she seems to be all about it, over doing her comfort on it. It can’t be that good, he rolls his eyes at her.

The house, he’s told was their best option. 

Rose and Finn got married as soon as they aged out of Care for Us, and Rey was right behind them, already working while she was in high school. They all went to the same community college, and then continuing to nursing school, all still living with each other. They carpooled or walked together even if it meant someone stayed a little longer than their day expected them to so that everyone stayed safe. 

Finn finished first, staying in the ER, where he felt the most comfortable, while Rose went on for an additional year to finish her training for the ICU. Rey finished a couple years after and went right for the NICU wanting legitimately nothing to do with other procedures that were for older patients. She felt connected to the babies there and understood that parents were facing terrifying moments that she wished she could erase. Several nurses resigned or moved on from the unit’s care, and that’s when Rose was offered the opportunity to be downstairs with her friend. 

They go on to explain why Finn stopped. Gwen watched Hudson a lot. He spent days with his friends and nights with his family like a before care set up until the he went to school. Just four months after, Finn became a stay at home Dad, getting into other working options such as the one he was in now, being a landlord. The first thing he fixed was the fact that the property was a two family for real. The town had them in for two sewer bills which was a wonderful nine thousand dollars a year on top of the mortgage, property tax, and utilities, not to mention caring for three children by then. It only made sense to knock down some walls, fixing up the house to be a true ranch. He took out the kitchen in the back and made it a secondary bathroom for the back of the house. 

“It works out. This way if someone up here has to go, they just run through the house to the back… or if Rose wants to hide for a while, she can in that bathroom.” He makes mention though that the kids like it back there and will usually go run for it for hiding places. Finn points to the door saying, “That door has to be locked from the top if the kids are in here or someone if not all of them will disappear. They’ve given me enough heart attacks that I have laid on the floor like I actually had one to make a point.”

“Except, the kids didn’t find you.” Rose takes another swig of her drink. “I did.”

“And you shit your pants.” 

Rose’s mouth hangs open a second and then shuts. Her lips press into a firm line, trying really hard to look angry. “I think I may have. If you don’t shit yourself when I die, I’m going to haunt you for the rest of your life.”

“So, the house,” Rey continued, “… Rent was covered with any loans we already had out for school. They,” she points at her friends, “watched my babies, and we’ve all been pretty much playing tag for watching them over the years.”

“It works,” Ben adds slightly to the conversation.

“It does. We have it down, I’d say,” Rey replies. 

It seemed beyond him that the three of them to handle a house. They would have been eighteen, well Rose and Finn were four years older than Rey, but the very fact that she kept up with them, said a lot about who they are. He remembers what she said about her choices to become a parent and wondered about theirs too, asking about it before he can think twice.

Finn is on this one before Rose can even roll her eyes. “We were in college, just started, when Rose got pregnant. It was a challenge but not our first.” He slides off the couch to go sit with her on her bean bag, encircling his arms around her shoulders. The awkward fluffy seat was a little too hard to maneuver so that’s what he got. 

Rey smirked at this, leaning her head on Ben’s shoulder. He felt warm all over that she chose to in front of her family. 

“Hud never wanted to come out which literally made me redo my whole semester, except for English. That was the only one I could sit back and email the professor about.”

“You were too annoying to take on again,” Rey giggles, looking down at her monitor. 

“Damn straight.”

“I have no idea where he got it from,” Finn laughs a little harder than he means to.

“Oh that boy, he did NOT want to come out. I’m pretty sure— “

“He takes after you,” Finn repeats. 

“We don’t even know if that’s true.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“But anyway,” Rey says it for them. “She was pregnant for what... forty-one weeks?”

“Almost forty-two and by then I missed the start of my second semester. Had me doing mommy yoga and all that crazy health nut shit.”

“What got him out?” Ben regrets the question. 

“A box of Twinkies.”

Ben’s face turns trying to hide his disgust, his lips tighten together as he mouths a silent “o”. 

“Don’t judge me. You guys aren’t allowed to say anything.”

“But it’s all oil— “

“And it’s good for my hair. Makes it shiny.”

He laughs at her, “you’re not a puppy.”

“And great for my uterus,” she smiles as he winces. “Hudson shot out of me like I was launching a melon out of a cannon.”

Rey covers her face with both hands and the whole room erupts with a steady laugh.

“God, he was a solid ten pounds and his head was huge! I don’t know how I walked the next day.”

“Rose, don’t,” Finn signals for Ben to cover his ears. 

“You know what they do when your kid’s that big?”

“Give you a shot of—don’t say it Rose.”

“They stitch you up. I couldn’t get the IUD fast enough.” 

Rey groans. “Can we move on? No one wants to know about your...”

“Rey, on the other hand— “

Rey’s face begins to burn with Ben in the room. Usually she’d be all for laughing about their stupid bodies and all the stuff they’ve been through. 

“Your kids,” she stares at Ben instead of Rey, “must’ve hated being in there.” 

Ben turns his face down to look at Rey. He pulls her closer so that she’s leaning on him instead of sitting separately. Finn only grind at this whispering something along the lines of it being about damn time.

“Yeah... yeah, scariest day of my life I think.”

“What happened?” Ben’s voice is soft and filled with worry.

“She fucking went to the grocery store by herself—“

“I just needed a gallon of milk and some yogurt.”

“And to go with someone,” Rose snorted.

“It’s not as bad as you think…”

“Says the girl that opted for the bars on the sliding door,” Rose rolls her eyes. 

“The kids can get out, and we don’t have a fence. And there are bears…” 

“And people.”

“Ugh, Rose,” Rey’s head drops behind her, rolling over her shoulders. 

“Anyway, this one lifted the milk and her water broke—and because NO ONE WAS WITH HER, she DROVE to the emergency room instead of calling a—”

“As good as they are that place is packed. There’s no way that they could have come fast enough. I could have had them right there.”

“My fucking point,” Rose says.

Finn who is still on the ground with her rolls off to check on Briana, even though her father can see her from where he is. This is not lost on Ben, who thinks that if he did go to work or went back to school as the other option, that he could trust him. The thought is freeing. It’s as if he released fifty pounds of unnecessary weight from his shoulders. He already crossed that bridge with Rose at the grocery store. Knowing she had the “balls” to stand up to anyone made him feel safe. It was strange at first seeing as she looks like she could be just a little more than half his size but warming. 

Rey on the other hand, was always there. She made sure that he felt comfortable and had the guidance he needed from the day he met her. Hearing how she drove herself to the emergency room and dealt with most of her preterm labor by herself, did him in. His grip around her becomes tighter and she reassures him that everything is fine. 

Of course, Rose protests. Rose is a fighter. Ben likes that about her. 

“You were not…” She looks up and Ben. “Listen, when you go early a slew of horrendous things can happen to your child. She had twins… so having them three months early really put her at a disadvantage. Not only could she not pump, she couldn’t be there for them. They take your kids from you—you know…” Rose waves at him. “And you can’t see them as often single babies. Addy and Anthony were a little more than a pound each.” Rose’s volume continues to climb like she’s proving a point. “Over a gallon of milk, Rey.”

“You wouldn’t think that now.”

Finn snorts, “If we weren’t there and didn’t know the story, I wouldn’t believe any of this.”

“They were so small, for so long,” said Rey. “Why didn’t Hudson feel like he was small that long?”

“Going early changes things. You literally didn’t have your third trimester—“

“Yeah, you missed out on being a manatee and society being okay with it,” Rose adds.

Rey checks the monitor constantly figuring someone is going to wake up when she hears Rose ask, “You haven’t had any more pain right, Rey?”

“Hmm? Um. No...” Rey answers. 

“Well,” Ben can’t help but tell them she whimpers in her sleep.

“I what?”

“You make this sound like someone is kicking you,” he says.

“Someone is kicking me.”

“But you’ve been with me,” Ben’s cut off by Finn snickering and Rose’s whistle. “Not like that.”

Ben explains their set up and Rose stops him asking if Rey’s been bleeding. 

“This is not the time Rose. No one wants to hear about my cycle.”

Ben runs his free hand through his hair while Finn huffs at his wife.

“ I need to know if you’re bleeding. Are you now?” Rose catches her eyes as the flicks them down to the monitor again. “You aren’t supposed to. That thing is supposed to prevent it.”

“But we aren’t made the same, Rose. I can we change the subject?”

“Rey, think of your uterus like your left arm. You have a left arm, and no one is offended by it, right?” She watches her friend roll her eyes before continuing. “If that thing is hurting you, you’re bleeding and your subconscious is making it known, don’t you think you need to get it out?”

“Alright, mom,” Rey agrees mostly so they can stop talking about this.

“You know it’s out of love.”

“Yeah, yeah... so, I have to know. What got you all worked up that you took off tonight?”

“Ugh,” Rose starts. Her entire day was just a normal day until Hudson had to start running his mouth about being bad all week. “He’s been begging for a little brother and of course I said no.” She waves off the questions and comments until after she’s done. Her voice climbs and plummets with each complaint and temper tantrum. 

“But today! Today I got a phone call from his teacher telling me that he lost his mind in class over not getting picked in music class for forty-five minutes!” Rose puts the bottle down next to her getting up on her knees from the bag. “But here’s the thing he realized what he did was wrong and goes into sob mode getting the school ready to send DYFS on me.”

Ben makes the mistake, laughing about it with Finn. 

“School takes that shit to the next level. They don’t care if your kid is a habitual liar or if they know you on a personal level. They have to report it. And so, Hudson says whatever the fuck comes to his mind and I get a call.” Her voice raises again, this time in the whiny voice she uses for Hudson, “My Mommy is gonna put her hands up! I’m gonna call the police!” She stops waving he hands around her head in a motion that suggests she doesn’t even know what he means. “I wasn’t even there! But knowing him he held on to the fact that I said no to having another baby and he stewed in it all day long up until not getting to use the triangle in music class. Just fucking let him touch it. I mean what in the actual fuck are you doing in music class that you can’t let them try the instrument and pass it along? It’s not like they’re using a tuba.”

“Oh my God,” Ben complains with her, assuming he understands her pain. 

Rey seconds it, wondering if there’s something to help him. “He obviously doesn’t take rejection well. Don’t they know that by now?”

“Nope!”

“And they have him in that special class and don’t see it there.”

“They call it CORE development. Controlled Order Rendering Everything, or something… that’s probably not it…”

“Crap On a Regular…” Finn tries… “What would E be?”

“Energy?” asks Ben.

“ I could see that…” Finn, knowing his wife, tries to move this along asking what else Rey brought out with her. 

“Pictures.”

Ben sees she’s got the book he thought he saw on the way in and the ones that she gathered from the floor at his place. He shifts a bit not knowing if this is a good idea. He thinks of Rose and how she responded to his first suggestion, and then of Anthony when he was found cuddling with Rey. Blood bond or not, he wants that relationship, just as much as he wants one with Rey, so he refrains from saying anything or even looking affected by the fact that she brought them in. 

He listens to Rey tell them about him and then opens the book to match him with one of Anthony’s pictures, and another with Addy’s. Before she gives them the album, though, she lets them know about what he was interested in and opened the floor to Ben who then told them he was an athlete too. 

“I lettered in everything I went out for in freshman year.”

Finn leans closer, making sitting next to him awkward. “Please tell me one of those sports was soccer. Please, please, please?”

“Yea, soccer was in the fall, I did recreation football though because I really didn’t have time for it.”

“Yeah,” Finn waves that off. “Soccer though… Do you remember how to play? Like are you still great at it?”

“It’s been a while?”

Finn sits back again, blowing a heavy sigh out as he does. “I hope you do, because this is going to change things. You girls aren’t winning anymore.”

“If that’s the case we may have to switch to co-ed,” Rose snorts. 

“Gwen would never have it… which, no one tell her, at all okay?”

“Anything to possibly tip her scale?” Rose laughs. “She is pretty intense. Like it doesn’t even register that the kids are watching.”

“Yeah, but she’s wound for sound. If anyone needs a vacation, it’s her. The kids have their own space which is fine and we all volunteer when we can and all of that but imagine not even having time to remember who you are.”

“Gwen is the only person besides Rose that I’ve met there that absolutely knows who she is. Sorry, Rey.” Finn adds. 

“No offense taken.” 

“Yeah but just because she wouldn’t answer you at times didn’t mean that she had it all figured out. Sometimes she favors those little yellow buds that help her muffle the sound,” says Rose. 

“Or Maz’s hearing aid,” Rey snorts. 

“OH! You remember that?!” Finn pops up startling Briana. “Oh, aw! I’m sorry. I know bad Uncle Finn.” He doesn’t hesitate and checks her diaper. “Wet diaper. You want in on this Dad? Or do you care?”

If Ben wasn’t hyper aware of the photographs Rey was holding, he would have let Finn do it, but the very fact that she was keeping them together made him nervous. Also, Finn’s choice of words was odd enough to get him to excuse himself from Rey. That was hard enough. She was so warm and obviously comfortable with him in front of her family, but ‘do you care?’ wouldn’t leave him alone.

Ben retreats to their room to handle Briana’s diaper, talking to her as he went. 

Finn goes on and on about how great it’s going to be to win against Gwen and how he can’t wait to stick it to her. “I’m not mean,” he defends himself. “But think about it. You know we’re going easy on you guys because we’d win every time.” 

“Those are fighting words, babe,” Rose warns. “Plus, I’m pretty sure you guys get beat every time is because your chicken shit when Gwen is involved.”

Ben has done Briana’s diaper and gotten a bottle ready in record time. He found that he was having a good time with them even though some of the conversations were a little too much for him. It was admittedly gross to hear about Rey’s uterus. It’s certainly not the first thing he really wanted a history lesson on, regardless of the fact that she wasn’t carrying some other guy’s child. Well, that he thought anyway.

As Ben made his way back, he stopped at the edge of the hallway, glad that Briana has mastered eating. He overhears their talking die down from soccer to Rose asking about what she was holding. 

“So, I wanted to do this while he was here, but it’s kind of eating me alive. The anticipation, I guess,” Rey starts. 

“And what’s that, Peanut?” Finn asks. 

Rey takes a steadying breath, holding it for just long enough to let it out in a heavy sigh. “I think Ben might be the twin’s father.”

Rose knocks over her bottle by accident, swearing as she chases it down to pick it up. Finn sits across from her staring dumbly at her. 

“You aren’t saying this because you love him, right?” Rose jumps right into it. 

Ben sucks in a breath hearing it. Rose is just as forward with her as she is with everyone, he supposes. Rey loves him. He could die now. 

“Rose,” she sighs. 

“Don’t play like that, Rey.” Rose shakes her head; her eye catches just above Rey’s head seeing Ben in the back. 

Ben knows she knows, but Rose plays it off like she’s waving at a gnat. 

Rose continues reminding her about all of the things she’s done for this man and his child. “They weren’t yours and you still tried for him. And you’re still doing it, and now, as far as I can tell, you’re official…”

Rey nods. 

“And now you want to tell me that he might be theirs, instead of just saying the hell with it and telling him you love him?” Rey looks down at their pictures. “I know you’re scared,” her friend comes up to sit by her glancing at them with her. 

Rose, for once in her life is silenced for a long while, finally touches Rey’s shoulder saying, “I think you might need to get them tested.”

—————

Time has flown since then. It’s been two weeks of torture between working and kids and Ben going back to work instead of school to feel out if he could stomach being away. It’s not going well. His first day without Briana made him crazy. He had Finn call him with baby achievements as often as he could, and Tuesday without Rey had broken him down...she was right. He hard to be able to balance it or do something he loved, and this? This wasn’t it. 

Rey was slightly busier trying to plan for the kid’s golden birthday. By Saturday she opted to take Ben first to his appointment and then after they stopped at Walmart for the extras. Self-checkout is a chore, Ben thinks, then watches her zap an eight-dollar bag of Hershey kisses and toss it to the side. 

“What are you doing?” he asks trying to bag the item. He figures he’s tired and needs his help. 

“I don’t need it.”

“Then why did you ring it up?”

She pushes on to keep going. 

“Rey stop.”

“Do you want them?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, hand me the bag.”

He does. 

She zaps it again,” putting it in the bag this time.

“No you already did that.” 

“I know,” Rey says in annoyance. 

“Why are you?”

“Ben, stop.”

He grumbles about her not listening. She has to be tired and she’s not letting him help. Part of him feels the pushback that Baz used to do, and he’s hurt by it. His Rey shouldn’t be able to hurt him he thinks. 

Rey goes on to finish checking out and paying for the chocolate she purposely ran twice, nodding at him to follow her when she’s done. 

It’s just a bag of chocolate, and it’s her money, but the action went deeper than that to him. He waivers at first, reluctantly following behind as she pushes her way out of the store. 

“What was that all about?”

“I’ll tell you in the car.”

He sighs heavier than before, sauntering by her side. Ben helps her and sits in the car when she does, waiting. 

“Remember when I told you parents aren’t perfect?” Rey asks as she buckles herself in. 

“Yeah,” he follows. 

“I had to go out with the kids and Rose and missed the fact that I still had a bag of kisses in the cart. They were all loaded back in and going crazy, so I figured I would just get it next time.”

Ben stares at her just like her children. 

“And here I thought you were just too tired to think.” 

She laughs at him, finally, after what feels like forever saying, “I’m not that bad. Besides, if I die tomorrow, I don’t want to be judged for stealing chocolate.”

Ben’s face falls, but she doesn’t have to see it to feel the way that he responds to that. 

“What I mean is, I don’t know the future, and I want to do this right.” Rey reaches for his hand, holding it as she heads for home.

At home, Finn and Rose have been storing the goodies for the twin’s party. Finn, of all people, is over the moon, or Death Star, about setting up for this party. May fourth being their birthday, aside from the terror they went through, was an absolute awesome day to have theirs. He was able to get the kids to agree to a Star Wars theme and everything. How cool is that? Finn got Gwen to hold onto every toilet paper roll that they had for hilts, found tiny glow sticks to stuff into long colored balloons for each kid and by each kid he meant adult too. Plus, though ahead for the oopsies since kids are known to be rough with EVERYTHING. 

Everyone was on board with it too. Ben was helpful, deciding against mounting the stick anywhere since it wouldn’t work anyway, and the kids probably would have more fun hitting things if the balloon made a sound. Other plans had been made to entertain the adults like making modifications to Nerf guns, when Ben had his second amazing idea to put the little sticks in the center of the dart. Well, it would have been amazing if he could have figured out how to get the dart itself to glow. 

“Are we all set for tomorrow?” Rey asks Finn as she makes it to the kitchen with the remainder of the goodies they just bought. 

“Yep, just going to blow the balloons about an hour before, and I think all that’s left after that is to fill the pinata. 

“Perfect,” Rey looks around, “Where are the kids?”

“In the playroom watching the rest of Paw Patrol.” 

Rey grimaces. 

Finn remembers how it stirs Addy up any time there’s an emotional part. She usually screams whatever the line is at the top of her lungs and throws her body down as if she was part of the show. 

“You couldn’t pick anything else?”

“They were being good.” 

Rey clenches her teeth when she hears Addy scream. 

“I’ll um… go fix that.”

————

The day of the party the twins, Rey is waiting for her kids to run in and wake her, but they both run to Ben, who is snuggled up next to her first. The change is bittersweet. They’re accepting him and it stings a little more than she wants to admit. Ben though is amazing about it. Running on roughly two hours of sleep, he doesn’t complain about it. Not even a grumpy tone leaves his lips. A sigh or two from where they’ve stuck their elbows and feet but the absolute first thing he says is, “Happy birthday, guys.”

Rey hasn’t admitted it to him yet, but she loves him, and now, in front of the kids... is not the time to tell him. Over the past few weeks of living together, even though he chose work over school, he had been more than she expected. He gave her his reasons and figured maybe work would pay for it. Overall, he was most worried about health insurance, and couldn’t accept her offer of being a dependent on hers. To him it was wrong, but much to her surprise, he didn’t fight with her like other men did when they didn’t see eye to eye. Ben would reason with her. He’d let her speak.

The more time they spent together she found that he was taking on companionship with her children, teaching them about Briana, filling their curious little minds with so many new ideas—had she of said any of them, she was sure she’d be ignored. Ben to Anthony, especially, is a super hero. The man can do no wrong. When he says no, or asks him to do something, Anthony doesn’t hesitate. It’s like they’re on the level. Addy, who’s been known to be shy around men outside of their family even accepted a hug goodnight the night before making Rey try desperately hard not to cry at the sight.

The pair has openly held hands or rested against the other while their new bedtime routine took shape. They each could have two books to read together before Briana would wake up. He always leaned a little closer to her or squeezed her hand a little tighter before he got up too. The small things, she thought of them like shimmering stars in the night sky. Each one lit up her life making it just a little brighter than last time.

Being alone together during the day was a laugh, but he always found time to be near her. He’d complement her or thank her for making his lunch. On more than one occasion he tells her that she makes him feel special. That the outside world would never matter as much as her and her kids. She remembers how she cried in his arms for what felt like hours, just to fall asleep with him. Once she was out, she dreamt of him whispering promises to her. He promised love and devotion and everything that came with it. She would never be a lost child again, because he has her. 

Watching him this morning with her rambunctious children’s limbs all over the two of them, she can’t help but let a fresh string of tears flow from the corners of her eyes yet again. 

Addy’s elbow clocks Rey under her eye, and she shifts to see her crying. She pops up like a prairie dog and the motion startles Anthony to do the same.

“Mommy?” asks Addy. “Why are you crying?”

Rey tries her best to promise her children that she’s got happy tears. She tells them she’s proud that they’re four and have such loving and trusting hearts when she feels Ben shift himself up onto his forearm. He needs to see her too. Just the sight of him checking over her does her in. Her heart will break if she doesn’t tell him.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” his voice is strained and cracking a little with concern. 

Rey shakes her head promising that there’s nothing wrong as she lies on her back taking yet another knee into her pelvis. His eyes are wide, searching hers while his long hair shields his confusion from the kids. Their silent conversation stretches between them just as long as her memories. Blinking away fresh tears she reaches up to cup his cheek, forgetting the world around them. 

His eyes close when he presses his cheek into her steady hand. Ben misses the way she forces herself up on her other arm to give her the leverage she needs to plant a kiss on his lips. Once connected his eyes shoot open, as if he’s in a dangerous place. The kids are here. It was a rule not to...but here she was deepening her kiss, just to break it proclaiming her love for him. 

The twins climb off of them. Addy first so Anthony didn’t crush her, screaming that he got his birthday wish. He ran around the room then ripped open the door, running and screaming and bouncing on the couch before coming back in to side tackle Ben in the ribs. 

Addy on the other hand just needed to be held. She needed to be cradled and Rey was the one to soothe her child.

“Alright, Alright. Calm down now,” Rey says offering them birthday breakfast to contain them enough to let Briana sleep again. 

Once they’ve finally left the room, Rey lifts her eyebrows regarding Ben with a warmth she’s never felt before. She runs her fingers through his hair, curling it around his ear just as she always has. To her surprise, he’s been just as emotionally charged as she has. His blush has burned his cheeks so darkly it’s reached the tips of his ears too. He lets out the breath he tried to keep silent while the kids were still on the room.

“Do you mean that, Rey?” he croaks. He’s never wanted to hear those three words from anyone as badly as she needed it from her.

She makes her own pitiful sounds, mirroring his, promising him over and over again how special he is to her. 

“Say it, Rey. Please, I need to hear you say it,” Ben locks his eyes with hers. 

“I love you,” she says. Her voice is free of indecision. It cuts through his doubt branding itself on his heart, sealing the open wound that had been left before her.

“I love you too.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaybols! You are a rock star! I can't get over how well you put together these boards!! (I have to edit this message on my phone to give you the emoji hearts and cupcakes you deserve!)
> 
> *****  
> As a parent I have gone through the Mickey Mommy phase where everything I say has to sound like a Mickey Mouse voice over, My son was so inclined to have me do it all day, every day that I forgot what my voice sounded like. Add having to call the doctor to make an appointment and not remembering how to "turn it off" made for some pretty angry receptionists. Let's just say i took a couple of tries to makes one.
> 
> Also, for the sake of the story and to limit confusion of one of the party snacks I may need to explain Yodels. If you're not from the east coast, you probably haven't heard of Drake's Yodels. They are pretty much the same thing as Ho-Ho's or Swiss Rolls, only with harder shells and a firmer cake.  
> [](https://imgbb.com/)
> 
> Also... THANK YOU! Thank you for reading my story. It fills my heart with happiness that you come by and read it. And those of you that leave comments, I grin till my cheeks hurt at some of the things you've said. MAKES MY DAY! I can assure you. <3
> 
> Good news too: I have outlines made up for the rest of the story... and I'm chugging along saying, "they're gonna get through this!" :D

[](https://ibb.co/WW3vq58)

As the time neared to make their way to Care for Us, the kids, Hudson included asked them nonstop when they were going to go. 

“Why can’t we go now?” Hudson continues.

All of the adults blow out a frustrated sigh. This has been going on all morning and the party is at noon. Rey would love to give him a piece of her mind but, he’s not her kid. Finn does his best to reason with him and Rose’s silence is unnerving. Ben watches on as the two become quiet enough to seem like they aren’t there. Rose keeps her fury hidden well when Hudson runs his mouth about never going and stirring up the twins.

“Hudson,” she says.

Hudson continues to worry Addy about not getting a lightsaber or playing with them because no one is listening to him.

“Hudson Jordan Trooper,” her tone electrifies the room, but the boy isn’t interested.

“One.”

Hudson goes completely crazy as he would in school. Finn whispers something to her and Rose drops her shoulders, swiveling her neck to face her husband. Her look is challenging, but this is supposed to be a happy day. Rose silently accepts while her body snaps into what looks like a new person.

Rose changes her voice to mimic Mickey Mouse, “Huh Ha! Hiya Hudson!”

Hudson stops everything to answer Mickey Mommy. 

“I heard it’s a special day today.”

“It is Mickey Mommy. It’s Addy and Anthony’s fourth Birthday party!”

“Oh, wow! Huh ha! You know what that means, don’tcha Hudson?”

Her son goes on and on about the great things they’re going to do. “But we aren’t there yet, and it makes me not like waiting.”

“It’s hard to wait. I know! I love to party.”

“Me too,” he puts his hands up in a cross sigh he’s seen his parents do, not entirely knowing what it means.

“But we have to.”

They keep going like this until he agrees to calm down. 

“Aww! What a good boy! And happy birthday Anthony and Addy.”

Ben jokes with her saying he thinks she missed her calling. The look she gave him could have neutered anyone on the spot. Mickey Rose would not be teased.

The remainder of the morning is spent at home. Both Finn and Rose have taken Hudson with them to set up for the party, leaving Rey and Ben at home to play house. A lot of their morning remains the same, without work, of course. Addy is coloring while Anthony is raiding the playdoh bin for colors that haven’t been touched. He was not a big fan of adding colors together. He didn’t like the fact that he couldn’t get it back out. Playdoh isn’t blocks, so a fresh Can was always right up his alley.

Briana has had a few hours fussing and fighting Ben about clipping her nails. She’s a lady after all. As she pulls her hands away, she straightens her fingers, taunting him that they’re there now.

“Rey?” Ben asks for help.

She’s tending to the piñata in the kitchen, and answers in a sing song way.

Ben asks if she can help him with Briana’s fingernails.

“Yeah,” she rounds the couch to sit with Ben. He gives her a small smile that she came. Why wouldn’t she? Rey’s consistently given her time to him. Well, them. 

He watches her as she sits Briana up and leans her against her body. His daughter has since grown from February to May into what would be a one-month-old baby, even though she is working on her third month. Full term babies have a lot more meat on them, but they’re terrifying still. All she has to do is move the wrong way and her tiny fingertip could be chopped off. 

Oh God. Isn’t that an image? One of her fingertips shorter than the others, and when she’s older she can show it off and say, “My Dad missed.”

“It’s just as hard as it looks, but you’ve done it a few times already. I’m pretty sure you could have gotten this without me,” Rey presses her shoulder into his as she speaks. 

“I like it better when you do it.”

“Because?”

“It gives you a good reason to sit next to me for more than five minutes,” he says not nearly as embarrassed as he would be if he admitted that in front of the rest of their family. 

“I know,” Rey looks over her shoulder, making sure the kids are fine without her constant supervision at the table. They aren’t quiet, but they aren’t yelling at each other, and they certainly aren’t silent. Silence is a bad thing unless they’re sleeping. Silence means they’re up to no good and the parent is usually the person that pays for it. 

Luckily this is not the case. 

Rey turns back to Briana who is dressed in her cat pajamas and looking around at everything in this position. She presses her head back against Rey’s chest, presumably looking for her by her sounds. She turns just enough to get a look at Ben when her lips spread in what they both call a smile. She looks more like she’s ready to break wind, because ladies don’t fart, but they’re more interested in calling it a smile. 

Rey is able to cut each nail except for her thumb that she keeps pressing as hard as she can into Rey’s hand. She presses so hard that the skin underneath goes just as white as the top of her nail. 

“I don’t want to hurt you, Dolly.” 

“Dolly?” Ben tries out the nickname.

“Yeah.”

“You nicknamed her?”

“Yeah?” Rey says looking up at him, but not for approval. “What?”

He shrugs and sits back on the couch. Ben stretches his arm around her shoulders over the back of it, sighing in content. “Nothing, sweetheart.”

“It’s something,” she says, continuing with her other hand. 

Briana fusses while Rey quickly clips through each one.

“Nah, it’s just… nice that you gave her one.”

“I can’t call her a lady all the time.”

“You could.”

“Right now, she’s a dolly. Right up to when she starts running around. Then it’ll change just like she does.”

“What do you mean?”

“Addy’s nickname is ducky, and Anthony’s is lamb.” Rey lifts her eyebrows at Anthony’s and shakes her head. “I can’t call him lamb or lamby when he’s out. He’ll get made fun of. Addy is a girl which makes it easier to keep hers.”

Ben nods, “Yeah, lamb is probably not the way to go.”

Rey gives him a knowing look as if she didn’t say that already.

“I’m trying to start a new pattern, but it seems to still work for calming them.”

Ben holds onto this information, promising himself he will not be calling Anthony lamb, asking how she came up with the names anyway. 

“Addy follows me around everywhere I go, so she’s a ducky. And Anthony, even though he use to follow me everywhere too, he was a lot calmer. He was cuddly, and a good hugger, and started off as bear...but everyone uses bear, and I wanted him to be different.”

Ben really doesn’t know what to add to add since he hasn’t gotten there yet. Anthony breaks up their conversation yelling about needing Ben to see how long he made his snake. His choice of words has Ben trying to suppress his laughter on the way over. When he sees it, he notices that it’s just a squeezed glob of orange dough. Rendering that he couldn’t get it much bigger like that if he tried, Ben opts to teach Anthony how to roll it out. What he doesn’t know is that Rey’s been trying for months, barely reaching her child. When Anthony does it, and well, Rey doesn’t have the heart to tell him. He looks too proud of their moment to take it from him she thinks.

——-

By eleven thirty they meet up with everyone at Memorial Field. Anthony and Addy squeal and run off away from Ben which makes him uneasy. He doesn’t know what to do first and hollers for them. As he does, he has second thoughts about responding in such a way. He’s not really sure that they belong to him, but Anthony has made him feel like he does. Because of it his voice is a little strained but doesn’t sound angry. Anthony is the first to stop and look back but jumps on his feet to return to running toward another man.

What the hell?

Addy never stopped either.

The men in question look familiar but he has no idea where he had seen them before. The first one has wavy dark hair, olive skin, what looks like a genuine smile when the kids approach him the way that they would for him. A woman he’s seen before let’s go of the man’s hand so that he can catch them as they come. Anthony squeals as he knocks him over, pinning him to the ground. It takes the boy a little bit to get his face right in the man’s face but when he does, Ben watches as Anthony grabs at his hand. Addy stands, watching his brother, quiet like she’s been recently, just taking it all in.

“Uncle Poe! I have a Daddy. I have a Daddy, Uncle Poe!” Anthony cries.

Ben looks on as he watches the boy’s shoulders rise and fall, clearly distressed but he can only hear his little voice excited about having a father.

“W-what?” Poe questions Anthony. “Calm down. Anthony. Hey, stop.” Poe realizes he’s in tears continuing to tell Poe what he has now. 

Anthony sits up, wiping his face as he goes to grab Poe’s hand again to pull him up too. “Get up. See Daddy!”

Poe tries to get up, letting the boy guide him back to Ben who’s welling up at the sight. He didn’t expect that at all. Ben kneels down to accept Anthony back in his arms. 

Addy doesn’t move quite as fast. She’s not necessarily nervous about Ben, but she doesn’t really understand what a Daddy is and why it’s so important to Anthony, so she stays by Poe’s side.

Poe remembers Ben. He had seen him around the hospital multiple times enough to know how he looked then to how he looks now. 

“You look good man,” Poe extends his hand to Ben who stands to accept it. Anthony stays close to him, hugging Ben’s leg and looking up at him. 

“Have we met?”

“Not officially. I’m Poe,” he turns to introduce Dopheld to his right, and Kaydel to his left explaining they’ve all seen him at one point or another. Ben remembers Kaydel as she’s making the same face she did when she approached him that day. 

Dopheld is tall, sort of built like Poe. Same dark hair cut much shorter than his which, Ben inwardly rejects the idea of ever doing. Unlike Dopheld, who’s ears didn’t stick out, Ben felt the need to cover his. It made more sense to have it long. Dopheld, however, looked a little leaner than Poe. Thinner maybe, but certainly muscular. The guy looked like a twig compared to Ben and he wonders what he does for training. It has Ben thinking maybe they had something in common just based on the look of him.

The group exchanges greetings and before they know it the party is underway. Finn comes by letting the kids know that there’s regular balloon lightsabers for now, and the ones that light up will be at Care for Us later when they have their “movie marathon”. Kaydel is there explaining what a “Golden Birthday” is to everyone that didn’t know, and it triggers Addy to ask her mother if she ever had one. 

“Well, I guess so. I mean not quite like yours.” Addy stares at her mother for a better answer. “We bought the house we live in around my birthday, but on it specifically?” Rey has to think. What did she do that day? Oh yeah, her third break up. That wasn’t a good day. “Well, I did have a lot of ice cream, and Auntie Rose taught me how to play darts. Oh, and Uncle Finn came home, and we watched A New Hope before bed.”

Addy doesn’t look impressed. She asks more questions about the movie and if she can see it. And then wants to know what flavor ice cream and what a lot means until her attention is taken finding tables of snacks she can hardly wait to try. 

Finn and Poe set up games for them that included lightsaber fights, obviously, eating contests for after cake because they know the kids still ask for anything after their alternative to cake. Finn thought of “Bowling for Sith” which he had placed stickers on old plastic bowling pins of the respective bad guy and had Rose paint the ball blue and white to make it look like force lightning. He felt pretty good about that one, expecting her to know that Yoda could do it too. 

Ben thought of one that they altered to go with the Solo movie, naming it “Kessel Run” where all the kids had hula hoops with a copilot taped to the inside of the hoop. They figured the plushie they taped to it could be part of the goodie bag treats too. The point of the game was to hold their hula hoop, so they were in the cockpit and run through the chalk painted field from start to the finish. If they get there before the TIE fighters played by the adults, gets them, they win.

The last game is getting the kids to force throw bean bags into cutouts of characters. Dopheld has been the brains behind this operation. He had Finn cut circles out of a large piece of plywood for each character they painted onto it. He then added Velcro strips across the board from left to right in four rows. Each row is a hundred points, from the bottom to the top they can get anywhere from one hundred to four hundred points. If they get it through where a face would be, they win. Dopheld thought it would be fun to provoke the throwers and give them their faces to aim for. The only trouble is where Yoda lines up with Luke. Someone will potentially be seeing stars if the right kid throws into the right hole. 

Ben looks around, impressed by the whole thing, given that most of the money they spent for it went on food. What amuses him the most is how the kids crowd them trying to find out more. The activity is no different than what they do at home, except for the fact that there are more of them. The handful of teens are off kicking around the soccer ball that seems to always make its way everywhere they go. The ball looks like it’s seen better days, but new things aren’t what’s important here. Not with them. It’s fulfilling in a way to know that this—family—is what matters the most.

Lunch is served. Most of the kids sit around a few spread out blankets they used for picnics and tents, while the others stand. They have pizza and juice boxes, and the kids are squealing like they usually do. Their volume grows between them as they talk about their favorite characters, and how they’re going to “force eat this piece of pizza” trying to out-do the other ones around them.

Rey sits between Addy and Anthony, both of which are eating as fast as they can, arguing about who is going to get the blue lightsaber, all the way up until Finn brings out all the different colors he and Ben made. Some would say that Anthony was overdoing his reactions about the things Ben did to help make his birthday wonderful, but Ben wasn’t complaining. Each hug sent him higher. He was getting looks from the other adults there, including Gwen, who he watched lean over to Rey and make a suggestive movement with her chin in his direction. He figures she were talking about him, but Rey never budged. Maybe she wasn’t as ready as he thought.

When they finish, they’re off to the races, ready to try out every game. Each one is more fun than the last. Several issues with the balloon lightsabers happen almost immediately because kids are the best at finding flaws. The first happens when a couple kids drop them on the grass. This is an automatic pop followed by a panic attack by some needing that specific lightsaber back. Some of the kids even pick up the pieces asking any adult around to put it back together.

Finn, who can’t help himself, says, “That’s not how the force works,” before getting the same colored balloon and situating it in the current cardboard hilt.

Next the tape doesn’t hold on some popping them out on contact. It gets the kids all riled up trying to save their balloons from popping. Again, adults are too the rescue with packaging tape!

Otherwise it’s a good run.

When they’re out of them, Poe calls everyone over the bean bag toss. He knows the refractory rate of a toddler’s meltdown and opts to do everything in his power to change the activity. The man is entertaining, pretending that he’s flying in an X-Wing with his hands spread out to the sides of him, getting the kids to follow. Once they were there, they lined up into three groups getting a chance to throw four bags of the same color.

It’s a surprise to Ben that he has the energy to keep up with Poe, while Rey feeds Briana. Catching her watching makes him stumble once or twice and completely nail one of the kids with a bean bag when he tosses it back to him. He refocuses to check on that kid, apologizing as he went, but when he looked back up Rey wasn’t there. It wasn’t a show. He was genuinely concerned about the child, and made a connection with him, and he just couldn’t help the pull towards Rey as he kept building these bridges with these children—his family. They were his too.

As they wrapped it up with each group, winners got to become the characters, and if they stayed alive got to go again. The kids were crazy for this. Teens stood behind the boards egging the kids on, popping their heads in and out of the cut outs.

Ben learned a few of their names and what they looked like with the help of Poe, of course. The three boys that were jumping around behind the boards were Michael, Rian, and Jeffery. Michael has glasses with thick clear frames, Ben’s only seen celebrities wear. He had no idea it was a real thing. He’s tall as teenagers go, his hands are large, and his feet are too. The boy is gangly, reminding him of himself, all accept his skin color being quite darker than his, and that the boy has his hair shaved down to the slightest bit of peach fuzz that the buzzer could have gotten down to. He has dark brown eyes that look almost black at a glance and has the most mischievous smile.

Rian who is a little shorter than Michael, is built a lot like Poe, his major differences are that his skin is light like Ben’s and his hair is blond. The boy has the best laugh, giggling as he does stirs the pot, getting Poe’s attention every time.

And Jeffery is just shorter than the both of them looking closer to being maybe an average preteen. He has more hair than them combined and opts to gel it so that it helps him look taller. Maybe he hit his peak. Ben wonders what it’s like to be short since he hasn’t been since elementary school. He’s pretty sure he shot up like a weed by fifth grade and was noticeably taller than all of the kids in seventh grade, and by eighth it made him so subconscious he started hunching over just to be part of the average crowd. It wasn’t until he went out for high school sports that he realized his advantage. His gift.

Ben hears the boy Rian who seemed to be the ringleader, laugh again, getting the others to jump to the next hole with ease. The moment no one filled the Yoda hole, Michael took a shot to the crotch bowing out, just low enough to get one to the side of his head too. If they were harder than bean bags this would have stopped the game, but it only provoked them more, throwing the bags just high enough over the top of the cut out to reach the line.

“Alright, alright!” Poe calls as Ben catches a few of the stragglers. He gets back into his cockpit and flies off to the Kessel Run which was a lot harder than they initially thought. It was so easy, TOO easy, and some how following the chalk painted grass was a little too hard for some of them, even given the smaller hula hoops, some of the kids couldn’t figure out how to hold the hoops. So instead Ben tells them to put their arms straight into the sky and chase the older kids who understood what they were doing. He put it far gentler telling them they were now Kylo Ren and the TIE fighters chasing down Rey and Chewie, since some were still too young to understand who Han Solo was. 

Finn whoops at him for getting that race back on track.

At the end of it kids take the plushy characters and trot off to the blanket. Bowling for Sith wasn’t easy in the crabgrass. The ball would bounce or get stuck in the patchy weeds, so they gave in saying it was more of a inside thing anyways.

By the time it was time to sing the kids looked drained enough to sit. Cake never seemed to go as far as cupcakes, just by their numbers alone, but transferring them to the park seemed to be just too hard, so Rose picked up boxes of Yodels. She unwrapped them, set them in large tin containers and made them look like lightsaber hilts with a few stripes of pipped chocolate. They were cute enough and good for being out. Cupcakes at home were vanilla and piped with red and blue icing. There they would sing again to them but for now their little Jedi’s would hear it here and enjoy their treats at the exact time they were born. 

Rey starts to sing Happy Birthday at three eleven, welling up as everyone else joins in. Addy leans on her, and Anthony leans on Ben, it’s so beautiful. Briana is in her chair, that goes everywhere with them. She kicks and bounces herself, while the kids take turns putting their faces in her face. More than once Ben has had to pick her up to keep them from some of them breathing in her face. A handful of times someone dropped food on her. All mistakes that only required him to ask them to be careful, or back up a little. 

After the kids are handed their Yodels, the get up and dance around, still playing with whatever is left. Some kids are enjoying the bean bag toss, others are hunting down food, while the rest are playing with the left-over lightsabers that haven’t popped in the grass. 

The soccer ball is kicked over by Dopheld, looking for a pickup game, hoping for adults only. He gets the attention of Angie, a tall brunet with caramel skin, wide almond shaped ice green eyes. They’re striking and look like gem stones. When she turns suddenly, Ben jumps a little. He feels like he’s startled a wild animal when she looks at him. 

“You playing?” she asks Ben, kicking it back to Dopheld. 

“I can’t,” he side nods to Briana in her chair. She was just fed and tucked back in, but it felt wrong to go do something without having a proper babysitter. This party is for all of the kids, not just the twins. 

“Go. It’s tradition. I’ve got her.” Angie sort of reminds him of Maz the way she offers. 

“You’re sure?” Ben’s voice waivers.

“Yeah. We look out for everyone here. Adults need to unwind too. And when it’s their turn,” she nods to the kids, “they’ll respect life and do it too.”

“That’s very mature of you.” 

The girl smiles taking a seat next to Briana. “She’s fine. Go.”

Ben hesitantly gets up, making his way to the field in front of him, looking back as he does to Angie looking over his daughter. Family, he thinks. This is family. 

Once in the field, he watches Rey pull her hair up on top of her head in a messy bun, joking with Poe and Rose. He sees her touch her forearm to Poe’s and again to Rose’s wondering what that’s about when Gwen passes Ben asking him if he’s playing. She then counts the group on the field. 

“Kay? You playing?”

“Yeah, I’m just on call. Turning up my ringer.” She leaves it with one of the girls Ben hasn’t met yet. 

“Good, even teams.”

“The usual?” Finn smirks. 

Gwen looks at him carefully. She knows he’s up to something. After a while, she returns the gesture replying, “obviously.”

Rose is goalie for the girls where Dopheld is for the guys. Rey and Gwen are forwards, leaving Kaydel as defense. And for the men, Ben offers to stay behind not wanting them to know his skill, just in case. It has been over ten years since senior year. This leaves Finn and Poe as forwards and a fair amount of trash talk starts from Gwen at the start. 

The game begins with Poe scooting between the two of the girls. The thrill of the game has them silent only making calls to teammates occasionally. They’ve played with each other for so long they know each other’s moves. Poe has the fastest feet Ben’s seen in a long time. He fakes out Kaydel once, but she turns to the side whipping her heel behind her, pushing the ball out of his path. 

“OH-O! Kaydel’s got moves!” he shouts.

She makes it around him, running the ball back up the center where Gwen gets it. Her long legs have always helped her gain ground, but her dribbling isn’t quite as controlled. Finn runs alongside her trying to get at her feet. She hates this maneuver and pops up the ball for anyone at this point. 

“Ankle biter!” She yells at Finn who is dying to see what Ben does with the ball.

“Up, up!” Rey calls.

“No! I’m not on your team, Rey.” Poe calls back, racing her down field. 

“Do it.”

“No!”

Ben pops up, hitting the ball against his chest. Finn tries to continue to run wanting to just watch how intense he could be. Lettering in freshman year as a varsity player meant he was awesome then. What is he now?

Nothing’s changed. 

He’s juggled the ball down field, only letting it drop when he knew no one was around him. Scoring on Rose feels amazing! What’s more is hearing Anthony scream “GOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLL” louder than everyone.

Gwen starts arguing that it didn’t mean anything, but Finn stayed in defense, so it counted. 

Well, shit. 

The girls rotate Kaydel to the front where Gwen was, switching so that she had a better chance of defending. If need be, she would even play goalie if it came down to it. It might. Rose never did like the position. She thought about it but stayed where she was. Gwen nods to Rose who two handed throws like a professional back down toward center field to get it going again. 

Ben who can’t fight his instincts to check on Briana, misses the ball. Kaydel dribbles past Poe and gets into a stomping match, shielding themselves against the other with their forearms. It’s Finn this time who pops it up, and Rey throws her hand to the sky yelling, “Up! Up!” 

“I said no!” Poe shouts turning from her but Rey surges past him using Kaydel’s thigh as a step stool to fly.

The boys stopped everything to watch her control it on the way down. She moves like a blur. 

“GOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL” is shouted by all the teens and Gwen especially before she even hit the ground.

As competitive as Dopheld is, he always steps out of the way when she does that. Today is no exception. 

Rey makes it back to Kaydel checking on her to make sure she’s alright. The two of them always did it when they were younger.

“Yeah, I’m fine. You’re not heavy—you didn’t even push down.”

“You’re up next,” Rey offers but Kaydel’s phone rings halting the game. 

Unfortunately, she’s called in, making sure to wave at everyone and hug the kids before she packs up to leave.

Dopheld hasn’t played any power positions yet and decides to stay in. Ben offers to sit but Gwen isn’t having it.

“No. Flip a coin boys,” she says to Finn and Poe. “Ben stays. I want to know what we’re working with here.”

The girls switch again letting Rose out. 

“I hate goalie! I feel like I’m missing everything,” Rose grumbles. 

“You’re going to miss it—” Doph laughs when she pushes him. 

Finn opts out so he can have a few of those Yodels and the game moves forward. They’re matched well, moving the ball across the field like a real game. Ben is huffing a little, switching go goalie to give Poe a chance. The same happens. Their footwork, tricks and juggling only take them so far. Gwen takes a chance leaving the goal wide open to help her teammates. 

That’s a mistake!

Ben does the same sprinting down field to catch up. Dopheld sees him, kicking past Gwen who stops to laugh at the wild shot.

“GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLL” the kids yell.

“How?!”

Ben trots up and nudges her with his shoulder. 

Poe gloats about it until she playfully shoves him of the field back towards the party. 

“Good game guys...” she grumbles.

“Who wants to go back and have cupcakes?” Rey asks.

Everyone. That’s obvious.

——-

Back at Care for Us, the kids are loud and happy. Gwen helps bring everything in while Rose and Rey get the cupcakes ready. When everyone is in and situated, they sing again, because there are two of them. Two icing colors, two different treats, two locations… Two of everything.

“Mommy?” Addy rubs her eyes, “Where’s the piñata?”

Crap. 

If there’s one thing about being a parent that she could pass on to new parents is this: The moment you think you have it down—you’re wrong. The piñata? Where’s the piñata? Addy watches her confused mother try to sort out where she las saw the thing as she does with their socks. 

“You know, Uncle Finn might know. He is the Star Wars guy, you know.”

Addy beams and skips off to find him. 

“Hey—ah? You want to go do this outside?” Finn holds the Death Star and Resistance stick on either side of him. 

That’s an obvious yes.

The party presses on to outside, every kid including the teens who take a whack at it as if they were playing Home Run Derby finally make it weak enough for the younger ones to get it to spill the goods.

Finn casually walks by handing the guys the Nerf guns and a bag of darts to continue their little bonding party with any of the kids that wanted to stay out and play with the glowing balloon lightsabers, while the girls set up the movie in the all-purpose room. 

About half stayed with either group, but the conversation was remarkably the same. Rey’s family members were asking around and the source of the two of them what’s going on between her and Ben. And, of course, if they know anything about truly being Rey’s kid’s father, as Anthony has claimed he is. 

“No one loves on Mommy ‘sides us,” Anthony says definitively. “He’s Daddy, cebus he loves her.”

——-

After a few more shots fired, the guys clean up and send the kids inside. There’s a lot to grab, but it’s rewarding. Ben’s laughed a lot harder than he has in years and is finally feeling like he’s one of the guys which puts his mind at ease. 

And that’s when time slows down for him.

It’s when he remembers the picture in Gwen’s office, the album, all of the pictures of Rey here in this building. He takes in the sight of the building and their modest space that they do everything they can in. He sees how comfortable they are here. Ben knows they’re a content group of souls looking out for each other. That much, he’s learned, but he still wonders what he can do to help them along too. 

A second glance back at the door he sees Rey welcoming everyone back in and it’s clear to him as to what he should do. 

——-

Over the next few days their usual activities kick into gear. He meets for therapy on Saturday with Amylin, ready to dive into his plans to help him move past his past.

“So, we took the first step and visited the house.” 

Amylin’s eyes widen, surprised that he would be so bold.

“It’s been months already since being a crime scene—oh—don’t look at me like that,” he’s come to terms with her quirks. 

“I’m just taken by surprise that you would have gone that far. You said you were with some one?”

“Rey.”

He didn’t have to say more. The woman smiled nodding as she sat back in her chair. 

“So?” Amilyn continues, “What’s your plan?” 

Ben gets into every detail, leaving nothing overlooked. Permits have already been acquired, he has a list of things that he wants to do, a timeline, and to reach out to his new brothers that he’s acquired since the twin’s birthday. He talks about them and how he’s connected with the children, how happy he is to be accepted by them. He catches her up with how Rey told him she loves him and how it made him feel.

After he says it makes him feel like he’s worth something to her, Amylin asks, “Do you love yourself?”

Ben’s brow furrows. “I guess I never thought about it? I mean I don’t hate myself.” His eyes lower from hers which is a telltale sign of self-destruction.

“I only ask because with Bazine you were at your lowest low, and with Rey and the kids you’re at your highest high. But if you love yourself you can keep yourself balanced.”

Ben just looks at her trying to understand what she said to him. 

“Let me put it this way. The more balanced one is with themselves, the more acceptable life becomes. You’ll be able to feel the way she loves you instead of having to hear her say it. You’ll be able to show her and so forth.”

Ben nods at this, accepting what she says. He can find his balance if it means he can keep Rey by doing it.

——- 

The following Tuesday Rey stays home while Finn and Ben go out to move things from his parent’s home.

“Wow,” Finn takes in the sight of the yard and space. “No shit! You didn’t tell me this place was next to Maz. Come on let’s go say hello!”

Ben smirks at him and follows anyway. It might be a good idea to let her know it’s them cleaning up the property anyway. He jogs to keep up with Finn who moves quickly up her driveway to her door.

Ben, who rarely paid attention to the details, noticed her driveway was more like six large slabs of poured concrete on the other side of his retaining wall. His parents had it put in so that they could prevent both driveways from cracking. On the other side, she has a seventh slab in place of what probably was a walk way. He supposes that it is like this because of her inability to walk as well as she would have years ago. 

The path is outlined with short boxwood shrubs and the only reason he remembers them is because his mother liked them. They were easy to care for. Plant, snip on occasion...pretty much stayed the same for years at a time. When he looks at them, he wonders if they’re the same ones his mother had him plant along her side of the retaining wall.

When he snaps back to Finn, he’s knocking on her door. The house is similar to his parent’s in style but has a far smaller porch. It doesn’t wrap around, but it does have a swing he’s sure no one ever uses anymore. While the porch area is painted white like his parent’s, the house itself is a sunny yellow, maybe a little closer to canary, but he can’t be sure as the light seems to change it all day. 

Her door opens to Finn, grumbling about some man that keeps coming door to door trying to get her to convert her religion to theirs. She takes her cross off the wall by the door, shoving it up into Finn’s face before she really looks at him saying, “May the Almighty take pity on your soul for badgering an old woman such as myself about my religion!”

“Maz?” Finn laughs.

Maz looks up at Finn, covering her mouth with both hands, cross and all.

“FINN!! And... Ben? Oh! Come in! Come in!”

Maz backs up into her home, inviting the boys into her kitchen. The sit and have a cup of coffee as it’s absolutely imperative that they do. She won’t let them go without it and a biscuit of some kind, which gives her the opportunity to catch up with them. She tells them how she’s been and is thrilled to know Briana is well and listens intently as Ben informs her that they’ll be taking on a project during their free time that will be cleaning out his parent’s home. 

Ben is still unable to call it his and knows it will never really be his property even though he’s paying for it. 

“I’m going to therapy, and this is my big project that will help me move past my past,” he says.

Maz cups her hands over his, reminding him to let go of the hate. “It won’t be easy, my boy, but you can. You’ll find the salvation you’re looking for.”

——

Finn and Ben take another look at the house from the outside. He suggests to Ben that they start from the outside and work their way in. 

“It’ll be easier to move things out and with shorter grass, so we won’t trip ourselves.”

Ben nods, pointing them in the direction of the shed his father had. There they found a push mower, hedge clippers, large brooms, rakes and an assortment of other things he could use to knock this out with.

Maz kept a watchful eye, making sure to call them in every couple hours to offer them something to drink, or lunch. She even, at one point, offers ice pops like they’re still kids. Her support isn’t lost on Ben who wants to make every effort to make this a place for her too.

In the days to come, they finally make it inside. Ben is accompanied again by Finn, and Poe.

Rey takes Briana to visit with Maz while the kids are in school, to let the two bond over the baby and catch her up to speed, while Poe helps with heavy moving. 

Before they even go in Rey kisses Ben on the cheek, reminding him that she’s just next door if he needs her. Finn and Poe stay to keep him calm about this next step. When they make it in, they see their friend waiver. Poe puts his hands on Ben’s shoulders, cursing openly about the size difference between them.

Ben laughs at this; his shoulders hop up and down as he does. 

“Well now that we have your attention,” Finn starts, “Nothing in this house will be intentionally broken.”

Ben grumbles but accepts. 

“No, I’m serious. You have a past. You came from a family. You have memories. The kids and adults you spend time with over the weekends and live with—we don’t. You have a treasure trove of luxuries we could only dream of.”

Finn’s words are sobering. 

“You have a family now that wants to know what having grandparents could have been like. Keeping these things intact might feel like a chore, but they need this as much as you do pal.”

“If you feel like you can’t do it, go outside or see Rey and Maz for a while. We have this. But it’s your project that you need to heal through,” says Poe. 

“The POD outside isn’t going anywhere. If we need to stop for the day, we’ll just lock up and go again tomorrow. No big deal.”

Ben nods and the three of them get started taking apart room by room together, leaving the living room as the last place to deal with since Ben is sure he doesn’t have the strength to do that just yet. 

Going through at first is unnerving. He can feel the darkness swell up inside him. First, he has a hard time breathing and then what feels like a pit in his chest swells inside of him. A couple of times Ben takes a break, finding the porch, just to stare at a place on the ceiling that he knows Bazine has never been.

When he’s ready he takes a conscious breath, as if he’s going back down into the murky waters of a dingy lake who’s water hasn’t been clear in years. It’s terrifying but has to be done. Ben can hear Amylin’s voice telling him about the balance he needs to keep going. He thinks of Rey and the kids to push on through the dining room with Finn and Poe. He can do this, he chants over and over again.

They sweep the place carefully, leaving nothing untouched. All three clean up windows, dust the floor and remove waste that is obviously garbage, like old energy drinks, cigarette butts, and mouse droppings. 

Nothing is burned like Ben had originally imagined. He decided to stay in the moment with the guys and hold on to his sanity... that is until Finn found what looked like the beginning of a mouse nest. 

“I hate mice!” Poe complains. 

“But you’re okay with chipmunks and squirrels.”

“Yeah.”

“They’re the same thing.”

“No!” Poe defends them. “They don’t break in and enter your home and try to take it over like mice do.”

“Point taken.” Finn puts his hands into work gloves, which he hates doing but mice bite and Finn wants to avoid that more than the plague.

Finn’s brow furrows as he hits something hard in the torn tissues and mess of fur and other shit the rodent used in its nest. He dry heaves hoping to God he didn’t just touch a petrified mouse still hidden in his handful. 

Poe catches the sight of him trying not to gag into his sleeve when the item drops making a metallic clang of a sound when it hits the tile below. 

Finn barely pulls himself together enough to put down the rest of the nest he’s holding for something else to fall, sounding far fainter than the object that had first hit the ground. If Poe didn’t see it, he was sure Finn would have missed it. 

Bending down, Finn reaches for the black object. It’s oddly shaped and at first thought that maybe it was one of those lip balm containers that Rose was into until she found out how much bacteria she was sharing with her face. It’s a black lighter with cursive lettering on one side that says: You Are My Light.

Poe, who snatched the piece of paper Finn dropped, studies it. There are swirling indentations in the paper that has the two wondering what would have made it. It looks hand made. It’s an odd design of swirls and curving lines organically flowing in and around each other. But what is the most disturbing is the written note of only two words that she must have struggled to write before she died. 

Ben’s voice behind them is uncertain since they’re unmoving. 

“Uh, Ben?” Finn’s voice cracks. “I think you should see this.”

Unlike in the movies where serial killers show up behind their pray, neither Finn, nor Poe think anything of the sort is a true profile for Ben. He’s anything but, even experiencing his set of highs and lows, labeling him as a dangerous murderer is too far of a stretch for the pair. 

Finn turns to show him the lighter first, placing it on a paper towel as he explains where he found it. 

“Do you know if it was hers?”

Ben shakes his head not knowing about the lighter. 

“She never lit up or smoked around me. She always smelled like winter mint gum,” he tries to fight the urge to cry.

Finn stresses that it’s okay to let go but Ben fights it. 

Poe tried sharing about the last time he broke down, but Ben does his best not to listen. He fought this pain for so long that finding more of the puzzle pieces that was his girlfriend only kicked him while he was down. 

“Find the balance,” Amylin’s voice reminded him. But the pain and hatred of his loss raged through him. Sadness battled for center stage wanting nothing more than to find Rey and cry into her supporting arms. 

“Balance.” Amylin’s memory whispers again. 

“What’s the other thing?” he croaks.

Both men look at each other for a moment, and then back to Ben. 

“You might want to sit down,” says Poe. 

When he doesn’t Finn shrugs, giving him the piece of paper. Ben doesn’t see all of the details, only the sloppy way the seven letters appear on the torn page. His heart beat accelerates, his nostrils flair as if he can’t get air in or out of his lungs fast enough, and God give him strength to stand, please?! The message stabs him, pinning him down to the floor as a hypothetical hand squeezes around his neck making it impossible to breathe. Ben feels like he’s falling back into the void of which he came, and no one can help him.

Finn and Poe both try reaching out to him but decide it’s best if Finn goes next door to switch with Rey for Briana’s care. She’s needed. Finn promises to get the kids and Poe meets Finn over there after their transfer is complete. 

“What happened?” Maz’s voice shakes when she asks just like her hands. 

Both men look at each other and again to Maz. They look at Briana with sympathy, knowing for sure that her mother is in a safer place now, but don’t know if they should speak.

“Boys?” Maz calls for their attention again. 

“Well, we found some of Bazine’s things...” Poe starts.

————

Rey makes her way up to the porch and knocks on the doorframe, calling for Ben. The light of the day is bright, making the adjustment into the dark space hard. She sees dots that linger in bright purples and light blues moving with her eyes as she looks around the emptied rooms. 

She’s able to see that they left the living room alone which is troubling to her knowing he hates that space. She doesn’t touch a thing but continues to walk around to the dining room which holds far more of an echo than it did the first time they visited. It smells like Pine-Sol and Windex, like the boys were trying to cover an odor she was unaware of. Maybe it was them. Sweaty boys smell... no matter how much cologne they have on, plus dust; plus, mold, and old house smell is not appealing. 

Dread sets in when she finds Ben curled up on the floor in fetal position, clutching the sides of his head. The note and lighter are caged under one hand and the other tightly grips his hair. 

“Ben!” she whispers her anguish. Rey hates seeing him like this, but never turns away. He’s been so good for so long and to fall back down like this is crippling mess, is disheartening even to her. 

Rey lowers to her knees with a loud thump, tentatively trying to decide on whether or not he wants to be touched. She can hear him whispering awful things to himself that are just not true. 

“No, no, Ben. Honey,” she calls to him, bracing her hand on his shoulder. She tries to still him, but he jumps. The man cries harder knowing she came back to him.

Rey’s here. She’ll never leave me, he tells himself.

She helps him lay his head onto her lap, continuing to draw meaningful circles into his tense muscular back. Rey knows not to hush him or push him in anyway, but he needs this out. He needs to be rid of this pain. She cradles his head coaxing him first to let go of his hair, and second to let go of the things in his hair. 

“They can sit right by us. You don’t have to worry,” she promises. 

Ben weeps as she talks him off his ledge. She promises him over and over again that she has him and he has her, and that they’re alone. 

“It’s only us,” she whispers softly. “I’m here, and I love you.”

It’s well into the afternoon when starts feeling like he can function. He repeats to her that he was sorry for his breakdown, but she never budged past telling him it was important. 

“You have to face it to get past it, Ben. But you don’t have to alone. You can talk to the guys. They won’t judge you, just like I don’t. We love you, Ben. And you’ll never have to question us.”

Ben tells her to look at the note and her what she thinks. 

“Did she struggle?” he asks.

“I’m not the right person to ask. I handled babies. But Finn can give you a better idea. Why don’t we go next door so you can talk to him about it?”

——

Maz worries over Ben. She offers her favorite winged chair, a plate of her left-over spaghetti and meatball dinner from last night that she planned to finish eating over the course of the week. After that she had Poe help her figure out how to use the frozen layer cake that she “got a while ago.” Of course, they checked the date before opening it. 

“Hey ah, you guys remember last year’s Saint Patty’s Day when Maz made soft pretzels for us and we dyed the mustard green?” Poe calls from the kitchen. 

Maz denies this story whole heartedly, but Poe continues, “Well, a bunch of us got sick and we didn’t know why.”

Rey does her best to smile at him, trying to tell him that maybe now isn’t the time. 

“It was the mustard! Yes, yes! It was just as old as Hudson. I am going blind you know, Poe,” Maz hushes him. 

Finn explains their dynamics. “Some of us like to joke about things, like Poe does, to break the ice, while others, like Rey go in hoping to heal the person.”

“And what do you do?” Ben asks, unable to touch his food. 

“I’m back up. I can go be help for anything. We’re all kind of flexible like that.”

“When this isn’t as fresh as it is now, you’ll be able to do the same—to notice the same elements that others need,” Rey says. “You’ve helped me in so many ways already Ben. Your time is coming, and you’ll know it when you get there,” she promises him the change he needs.

Hearing her tell him he’s been helping her this whole time turns up the corners of his lips in a small smile. He finds himself reaching for her hand and promises her the same. Then looks around the room telling his family once more that they’ve been the help that he needs.

The path is painful to him though. It gives him nightmares being back. He tells them that he needs the space to change and quickly. If it was just a house, he would have demolished it and started new, but Finn said these places held a meaning, far past what is still fresh. He figures he would get there eventually. He can do it.

“What if Poe and I go handle the living room now?” Rey interrupts Ben’s thoughts as she points at Poe’s security jacket. “Isn’t there a line we can hop onto to see your feed. 

Poe sets it up telling them that he will get into so much trouble if they ever confirm that they saw this. Ben confirms that he won’t do or say anything of the sort, and with that, his phone lights up with Maz’s living room, as seen by Poe’s chest.

“If this gets cut for any reason, it isn’t me,” he reminds them. 

Both Poe and Rey get ready to when she reaches his chair promising to take care of him. 

Ben against his better judgement of letting someone else get rid of the room, as if they were killing a cockroach, decides that this isn’t moving past the past. He would be hiding from it if they went and did it without him, which is counterproductive. “Wait,” he says. “I have to be there for the changes—it’s my project, I need to go through it,” he finally admits.

“I had a feeling you would...”

“Just? Finn?” Ben asks.

“Yeah man?” He starts packing up Briana to get the kids. 

“Can you tell me more about the note?” 

Finn does resulting in Rey going to get the kids instead. Ben needs to know more. He needs to figure this out, and if Finn leaves now, he won’t have the knowledge he needs to sort it out.

The three of them decide on handling the living room even, making sure no one leaves Ben by himself. That room is toxic and has to go. Moving the couch out and chairs, followed by the glass table, and cream-colored rug helps. It helps not seeing it decorating the space together. It helps washing down the area in those scented cleaning liquids, it helps knowing he has brothers that will see this through this horrid place. It’s then when he decides that they should know the other reason why he wants to do this.

It’s time to tell them as they mop up the floor and gather the last of the room decorations.

Ben tells them what he wants to do with the property.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It’s time to let the past go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaybohls... you out do yourself every chapter!!! 🧁🧁💖💖💖💖
> 
> *******
> 
> This chapter goes over a lot of attempts at self help and the struggle that goes along with it. It’s important to remember that trauma and depression can’t just be gotten over in a day. Some events can haunt people for the rest of their lives. 
> 
> In my own experiences with it, it’s become easier to work through our losses by keeping them in our memories. It’s just our new normal. This chapter really works on those concepts.
> 
> ******
> 
> And finally, thank you to everyone who has stopped by to read this story. I’m so warmed by the turnout and hope you enjoy this and the chapters to come.
> 
> This week has been a special one. I’ve put out multiple chapters which I didn’t think I’d be able to with this but I’m not big on making readers wait if the chapter is done. However, as much as I want to keep up with this rate, I might be slowing down. My kiddos are sick with chest congestion and work is picking up. So there’s a good chance we’re going back to one a week given my time. But I know exactly how I want it to go so I’m hoping I can balance that along with home life. 💖💖💖

[](https://ibb.co/g6VbPfJ)

As the week goes by, Ben finds himself with Amylin in the evening for what he can only chalk up to be an emergency appointment, spilling the beans about his attempt to set things right and clear Bazine out of the house. He tells her how he felt even though there were people there to help him. 

“Are you sure they didn’t try to help you?”

Ben shakes his head. He knows when he’s lost, he closes everyone off from him. Everyone and everything disappears until it’s just him and his awful thoughts. 

“Ben, I can’t help you if you won’t let me in.” 

“You are though. I heard you.”

“Heard me?”

“You kept telling me to balance myself.” Ben chews on the inside of his lower lip trying to find the right words to explain himself. “I do love myself. My response has nothing to do with not. It’s just, I couldn’t reach her. It didn’t matter what I did or tried, or gave, I just couldn’t help her. It makes me feel weak. Like I’m worth nothing. Like I was nothing. And it hurts.”  


He holds up the pictures of the items they brought to the authorities explaining where they found and so forth. There, Amylin studies the torn papers’ edge. She can see some of the indentation in a strange little pattern she must have made layers before. She studies it noticing the way the ink from the supposed blue fountain pen smeared into them, either as she wrote or by accident. 

“Was Bazine left handed?” Amylin asks.

That’s an odd question, he thinks. 

“Why?” 

“Well,” her voice sounds concerned. “If she was the ink isn’t smudging, the right way. It’s kind of just splattered around which could mean the thing she was fighting extreme exhaustion and a combination of whatever she was on. It’s just speculation but how much of the police report did you see?”

Amylin holds onto the image while Ben shakes his head. It was long enough ago to forget what they said they found. Maz knew what she saw, she alerted him for God’s sake. The men were seen leaving, he remembers. But did anyone touch her? Was she with the father? Was he even in the picture at the time? Or was it only him? Was she faithful from the start? How would he know? 

“I want you to read the note Ben,” Amylin says, giving the picture of it back to him.

Ben looks at her queerly. It only says two words. 

“Why?” 

“Because, if she wrote it, she wanted someone else to see it. She wanted to reach you. Anyone,” Amylin persists. “It’s why school’s watch for behavior. They watch for what the child says, does, writes, and draws. When they’re in their element, they are expressing themselves.” She looks at Ben’s warry expression. “Therapy suggests a range of self-help ideas that help victims of depression work through their pain. Whatever she was dealing with… it looks like writing may have been her out.”

Ben tries to swallow his frustration with this. There had been so many times he tried to message her or email her since she would reply in an instant but that too was hit or miss towards the end. It stings that the concept of basic writing would have fixed her, like he thought that Amylin suggested. If she could have to held his messages in her hand to help her get through the day, he would have printed them on signs, stones, bracelets, anything so that she could have them with her all the time.

Ben begins to tell her about how secretive Bazine started out though. How he felt like he was trying to cage a wild cat. He tells her about how drawn he was to her, that she made him feel wanted, but that too felt hollow. It wasn’t the same when compared to Rey. 

Amylin watches him hit the peak of the conversation when he says this. His face morphs from content to brooding all over again and she thinks that he may as well stay another hour.

Ben dives right back down into the thought that Bazine tried to connect with him... and then she just gave up. It didn’t make sense to him, and he feels like he’s to blame for her pain.

“Why would you say that?”

“Because I couldn’t save her.”

Amylin takes a steadying breath before she speaks again. “It wasn’t your job to save her.”

Her hard words stung like the tough love his mother often had to give. 

“What?”

“It’s going to hurt now but you need to accept that you can’t control people, even if you want to give them a better life, doesn’t mean they’re ready for it. They need to cross the line themselves. They need the time to grow. They need to take your hand. They need to trust themselves before they can move on.” 

They sit in silence for what feels like forever when Amylin breaks it again with her own story. 

“As a therapist’s, I’m not supposed to share my personal life with my patients, but it feels like you need a real-life connection to what you’re going through so, think of me as a parent. Someone you met outside of your family, on the street, or grocery store, bus stop— whatever.” Her lips curve down in a frown before speaking again. 

“I was twenty-two and just married. We were expecting our first child and we went through hell for him. When it was time, the doctor fouled up, costing him his life. They almost cost me mine as well and I would have gladly given it to save his, but he was already gone. Months passed and my parents tried splitting the two of us up, thinking if we divorced, they could pretend that none of this happened. To keep my sanity, I stopped talking to them.” Amylin presses on telling him that years had passed, and she conceived again, and once more three years later. There were complications with each one but both survived. Years down the road she blamed her mother for turning her son against her. She fed him lies and eventually the boy had gotten into trouble with drugs that she had no interest in specifying. 

“When I tried to stop him, it only got worse. I couldn’t help him. I watched my second son depart from this world over petty difference of a bitter old woman and myself, who was only trying to protect him.” Amylin stares at the buckle on her navy Mary Jane shoe strap saying, “Sometimes you can’t reach them. But it’s not your fault.” Her face falls again. “When they go to their afterlife, I tell myself that they can see all the ways I tried, and maybe forgive me someday. I tell myself that they would want me to live for their sister’s sanity. That she’s lost so much, and she shouldn’t lose her mother too.”

Ben’s face burns, starting at his nose as if he’s being assaulted with smelling salt, then it spreads in waves, reaching his eyes that he thought couldn’t possibly shed another tear. He feels the build and without a word, stands to offer Amylin a hug. 

When she accepts, she lets go of her story, she gives into the pain, causing her a headache and allows herself to speak to both of her boys by name. When he releases her she nods at him, trying to focus on the point she’s trying to make. 

“Let the pain go. Try to remember the positive,” she suggests. She tells him about how in love she was being pregnant with their first. How wonderful her husband was, and how much of a joy their second was until he was turned. “You can do this. Your mind obviously doesn’t want to let go of her, so don’t. But stop blaming yourself for her death and don’t blame her for leaving until you know her true story.”

Ben looks at her like she’s got five heads. The police report suggested that it was a graphic sexual act that killed her. The overdose should have done them both in, but it has him wondering if she just wanted out. She didn’t have to go this way... she didn’t have to go at all. 

His face asks his questions for him. 

“All I’m saying is I’m still searching for the pieces of my boys and finding signs they leave me. Maybe those items were lost for a reason. Maybe she wanted you to find them. What if there’s more, Ben? What if she was trying to communicate this whole time?”

—-

Ben stews with these new thoughts over the rest of the weekend. Rey’s children spend time with him and notice something’s off. Addy is the first to slide off the couch and onto the floor. She doesn’t say anything to him. Ben, who is still lost in thought, let’s her go and Addy really hasn’t been interested in cuddling, so he doesn’t even try to reach for her. 

Addy though, wanted to be told it was alright. It takes a few minutes but her stink eye, turns into a pout and then a full-on cry. It startles Ben who has no idea why she started in the first place. 

He tries her name and reaches out to where she sits.

“Hey, it’s okay.” 

Addy folds her arms around her body and turns quickly away from him. She makes a loud “uh, uh,” and moves away from him.

“You can’t control people,” he hears Amylin say. 

“Why not?” he asks Addy.

“You have frownie face on.”

“Frownie face?”

“Uh huh,” Addy squeezes her body and eyes shut.

What the hell does that mean? he thinks. Instead of guessing, he asks.

“You’re mad,” she whines. “I not want to sit by mad.”

“Addy?”

“No.”

Ben wipes his face to get rid of the frownie face. Telling her he cleaned it off and it’s in the garbage now.

“You didn’t get up. It’s still on you.”

She’s right. He didn’t get up. And when he does, Anthony follows him to the kitchen and watches Ben grab a paper towel from over the sink, and a black marker from the big orange mug next to the refrigerator. He asks his advice on how to make Ben’s frownie face and Anthony makes his best angry eyes covering his eyebrows with his fingers to make sure they’re looking down. Next, he dots his eyes nose and asks for the right size of a frown for the face. Again, Anthony uses his fingers to pull the corners of his mouth down, but they wind up only going to the sides. 

Ben laughs at this, then makes the bend where his mouth would be. 

Anthony explains that it’s not big enough and he’s gotta get rid of all of it, so he takes the marker and draws the lines all the way down to the end of the paper towel for added effect. 

“Okay...” he calls over his shoulder. “I’m throwing out my frownie face.”

Addy moves slightly to see them open the garbage lid to put the frown in there. Then she looks at Ben who isn’t faking his smile, making Addy smile in return. 

Once they’re all sitting together, he starts to process what just happened. Was he making connections harder for himself by not staying in the moment? 

—— 

They’re already a week into June, having to remember that the kids are only in school for two more weeks, which Rose assures Ben is a severe challenge to keep them entertained all day, especially when they know you’re out doing something instead of being home with them. Ben figures it will only affect him in the morning when he has to leave and when he comes home. Rose on the other hand has a popcorn schedule, working either days or nights depending on the month before, and how many people were working that day. Rey, has fixed her schedule months ago, getting them acclimated to her working most days and being home at night and on half of the weekend, where Finn is their constant role model.

Ben wonders about Finn’s sanity, and if he ever breaks. If he does, Ben hasn’t seen it. 

Summer break has Ben thinking about how he’s going to finish his project. He decided that he wanted to clear out his parent’s house and make it mean something. The guys seemed to be all for it, congratulating him on such a selfless act. He planned to clean it up and create a center for Care for Us that gave the kids a place to be when they didn’t want to be home.

Rey and the others had shared stories of where they used to go to get away from it all, when the walls at Care for Us felt like they were getting closer or they just needed a safe place that wasn’t the school library, field, or any other public space. His mind drifts to Angie who offered to watch Briana while he had fun, calling it tradition. He wondered how often they were given gifts in general, and then felt like this could be a gift that kept giving, unlike a silly little toy they will outgrow.

His plan is to give the house to Gwen as an extension of property for the orphanage. Of course, he would have to figure out the details. Someone would have to be there for them. It couldn’t be self-run as it posed too much of a safety problem. The kids are just that, even being teens, they aren’t ready to be in charge of more than themselves at any establishment. This much, he knew was true. Not even his mother allowed him to be on his own until well into his sixteenth year. And that was just on his own, not taking care of younger children. Ben thinks to himself that they would come up with something. They could make this work. He could heal himself and maybe them too with this space. 

Ben’s mind wanders to Finn’s footsteps upstairs, how heavy he sounds, and he wonders if it’s always been this way or if there’s something he’s missing. Rey did say that she thought there was a leak, but in the middle of the house? Maybe it had something to do with the fireplace’s shaft in the center of it? Whatever the case, they would figure that out too. He figured he had more time to do it when he hears Finn’s surprised yell from upstairs. 

Finn has managed to put a hole through the ceiling. Ben is sure he’s never heard Finn swear so much in the past few months he’s been with them than he is now.

“Fuck. Shit. Shit. Fuck,” Finn’s pattern makes Ben laugh first and then ask if he’s okay. 

Finn is fine, the ceiling fan is not, and he’s down right apologizing for the wiring that was ripped down the center of it too.

“I fucking just made more work for us and the fucking summer is on its way.”

There it is. Finn’s stressed about the summer and this project. He goes on to vent about how hard the kids can be and the fact that he can’t even bring them outside because there isn’t a fence. And what’s more is that it’s not like they stay in one place either. “They run like roaches. Hudson is afraid of all bug sounds. Anthony overheats like he has a fever if he’s out in the sun for more than twenty minutes and if Addy isn’t touching water, even on a cold day, she can be a real pill.”

Ben can’t stop himself from laughing. 

“You think this is funny, Solo?”

“I am amused.”

Finn shifts to pull himself out of the floor. His leg disappears from the ceiling as he goes. When he does a crimson book falls from the ceiling with a loud flop. 

Ben takes notice where it’s siting in a pile of dust and debris. Suddenly, Amylin’s words hit him like a truck. 

“Hey Finn?”

“Yeah,” Finn sounds like he’s checking himself in the bathroom.

“When you have a second can you come down here?”

Finn makes his way down, confirming that he just missed the beam, meaning he narrowly escaped a broken leg. Ben makes a face and runs his hand through his dusted hair, apologizing about it. 

Finn tries to and fails at coming up with a line that’ll go with the current mood Ben’s creating and stops completely when he sees the book. 

“Is that yours?” Finn asks. 

“I was about to ask you the same thing.”

“Nah, I have a little spiral one and a pocket level stuffed in the coil. What, um...what do you think it is?”

“I’ve never seen it— “

“Think it was hers?” Finn watches his friend, hoping to avoid another breakdown. 

Ben nods. He sticks a finger under the cover, as he always did to every book he ever owned. Soon after, he asks Finn if he wants to take a break and go through it with him.

Relieved and honored to do this with him, Finn offers a drink from the fridge before they take a look.

A drink sounds perfect, but Ben opts for water. He needs a clear head for what he’ll find. 

Once Finn returns, they sit on the stairs like children going through their favorite comic book. Though, this isn’t a light-hearted activity. Finn nods to Ben when he’s ready and both men let out a heavy sigh. With that, they open the small five by seven, crimson journal. Ben doesn’t know what to expect when he does. Maybe he would be okay with nothing. Wouldn’t he?

Upon opening it he sees that half the pages have been ripped from the binding. He wonders if they’ll find any of them anywhere else. With a shaky breath, he turns his attention to the “first” page. Not much is there in terms of words, but she did practice organic lines a lot that made Finn lift his brow wondering if it had anything to do with the texture of the note.

As they turn through pages, they find themselves reading poetry, notes of things she must have liked, music, artists, petals of flowers she’d find outside. If he didn’t know any better, it was a look into Bazine’s childhood. A few pages were colored with crayon, all the way to the edges, and then they stop. Scattered ideas, images of brutality and self-sacrifice were folded in on themselves. Trials of positive reinforcement were tried to get her to see the good in every day and in people around her, and that’s when she must have met the other man. There are mentions of flavored weed to start, how their physical relationship grew, and when she’d say no, no one could help her. 

Bazine was a fighter, all the way to the end, constantly being chased by her first lover, who could never let her go. 

“I thought I was free. Saved.” But then the notes of what they did when they reconnected were scribbled right under it. 

She had a plan. Even after meeting Ben she knew she had to leave. 

“I don’t belong here,” and other messages, along the lines of self-deprivation continued, not in lists but all over the pages as if she started to lose her mind.

When they reached the page before the end, it was doodled on in the same way she did before as if she planned this all along. Her organic design was a maze, and she told herself that she would get out. 

“It was my only way to protect you, love.”

It was the page she ripped. She knew she was leaving. Ben thinks of the way that it was left. She must have placed it before she had her line or whatever she did. Her lighter was under there... but was it hers? What if she stole it from the man she was with and that started the fight? He can still see the bruising around her neck and arms. He wonders which man it was that called the shots. Why it was okay to abuse a woman, no less one carrying a child?

It hurt Ben that he couldn’t help his girlfriend, but seeing the journal gave him a weird sense of calm. She was trying. He did reach her in some way. It wasn’t his fault. It was her choice. 

He remembers the way that the note’s two words looked like then too. She struggled to write them. Maybe she struggled because she just wasn’t completely ready to go. 

“I’m sorry.” He says the note’s contents out loud. 

Ben feels Finn pat his shoulder saying, “I’m sorry too. This place isn’t the easiest, but we stay to give the next generation hope.”

Ben nods closing the journal. 

“And that’s just what we’ll do,” he adds.

——

Rey’s been in pain all month since both Rose and Ben have brought up her nightly whimpering. It’s just, constant pressure, all of the time now. Every so often there’s a stabbing pain that she hoped was just gas, but as it progressed so did the sharp breaths she’d take when she felt like her uterus was being hit with a hammer. It didn’t help that her bleeding increased either, and it was exceptionally dark in color. She knew that meant it was old, and old blood could mean an internal bleeding or an infection if she did in fact puncture herself.

Unable to take anymore torture Rey leaves the office for her gynecologist down town. On her way out she calls Rose, so she knows what’s going on. 

“I’ll meet you there,” Rose’s voice is strained as she speaks...

“It’s not a big deal,” she waves off her friend even though she can’t see her. “We aren’t doing anything. I just want to be sure I didn’t get hurt by the IUD...”

“I’m coming. Don’t go in without me. Five minutes tops.”

Rey rolls her eyes and agreed.

Standing outside the office, she’s hit by another wave of pain. Her skin prickles, while her brow beads in sweat. She can feel each pore open and close as if she was breathing through them like gills. Rey knows she’s starting to hyperventilate. Anxiety is locked and loaded, ready for the kill shot. She wills her way to try to be alright, straightening as she always does when another wave knocks her down. The elevator pings, opening the doors to Rose who is practically screaming as they still just enough to catch the sight of Rey falling.

Once they’re open enough to squeeze both her and her purse through, she rushes to Rey’s side. 

“Happy I came now?” 

“Rose,” Rey groans.

“Yea, yeah,” she hooks her arm through Rey’s, lifting her as they go. Rose is in her light blue scrubs today, and at first glance, she’s mistaken as staff.

Rose lowers her head to whisper, “This is hilarious. Let’s see if we can cut the line.” Of course, she rattles off all of the events that happened, making orders as she goes, and they’re ushered into a room as soon as possible. While Rose may be having a good time, Rey is not. Another wave has hit her, and she’s pulled herself onto the ground.

“Don’t,” she cover’s her face with her hands. “Don’t move me. No more moving.”  
Rose yells for assistance, and they’re met with two of the nurses that are free, who both ask who she is. 

“I’m not doing this right now. I work at the hospital, my information,” she flings behind her, “is on my lanyard, but this is an emergency and I need you to treat it like one!”

The women scatter, finding the equipment they need and the doctor as well. 

____

 

Rey would have preferred Rose’s sass wait until she was medicated, but the woman had no filter. 

“Can you believe that guy?” Rose’s voice deepens to pretend to be the doctor. “Well, obviously you did something to yourself.” 

She switches back to herself having the conversation with the doctor over again.

“It’s not like she’s cramming a joystick up there. Do your job and look for the problem.”

“Well, you see, it’s not that simple. Are you sure you didn’t…

“I’m pretty sure no one can stick anything that far up into themselves, but you can try on yourself, for science!” 

“Please stop,” Rey whines. Her body winces at every pothole, and with every deep breath, which means laughing or trying to brace herself for a small chuckle is terrible.

Rose looks over at her friend, promising to stop. “I’ll have one of the guys come with me to pick up your car later. “I’m just glad you didn’t actually do this alone.”

“Yeah. Thanks for coming, Rose. I’d lean on you, but my body feels like it’s being torn apart.” 

“Just, try to relax. We’ll stop at the pharmacy and then go home,” Rose’s voice sounds softer. “I’m glad you got checked. Could you have imagined if you were out and had the kids and that happened?”

“I’d rather not think about it, Rose.”

_____

 

Rey starts the pills that night, noting the exact time that she takes it, to repeat with the next pill at that time. The next one she’s expected to take is hospital grade Motrin until the pain stopped. She had to worry now about the scrape the IUD provided on the way out, and the poking it did while she had it inside her. What a fucking nightmare. Rey hates pills and choking them down. She has a terrible habit of gagging on them, either by not having enough water in her cup at the time or over shooting where her tongue flips the pill in question to the far corner of her cheek. 

Ugh. 

If she could have gotten the shot every three months, she would have. But knowing her time away from the kids, or how much she was needed at home when she wasn’t at work…There is a good chance she could miss. 

Birth control for Rey isn’t for casual sex. It’s for protection. Ever since she was a preteen, she knew getting the pill meant that she increased her chances of safety being nearly a woman on the streets. Orphans were treated like garbage. The statistics alone showed that it was just safer to be on it. After her kids, the IUD was her best option, she thought. But before doing it the doctor she was with told her that her uterus pointed downward which meant she would have a harder time carrying if she ever got pregnant again, and that the IUD could hurt her. 

Rey didn’t bleed for two years but retained her girth from pregnancy and the lax of true exercising that she missed out on constantly had her wondering what the damned thing was actually doing. Exhaustion is unkind. She realized back then that anyone that could keep up with life as a parent had help or was on something. 

Ben, who is home from work meets up with her in the kitchen, trying to ask how her day was. When she doesn’t answer right away, he starts assessing her. She doesn’t look well. Maybe she’s getting sick. Her skin is far paler than usual, where it always looks a healthy and radiant. The tendrils framing her face and falling from her ponytail over the back of her neck are drenched in sweat, and worst of all, she looks like she can’t focus on anything. Ben watches her take a pill from the slew that sat in the cap of a bottle and struggle to get it down. The second one he saw was see through and looked a lot like an egg-shaped pee pill. It’s probably not that, but it’s what it looked like. 

Ben panics remembering the crimson journal. He didn’t want the same for Rey. She is everything to him now. What was it she kept calling him? Her best friend? She is his, he admits to himself. “I can’t lose her too. I can’t,” his inner voice screams.

“Sweetheart? Are you alright?” he puts his hand at the small of her back, carefully sensing her turning to him. She looks like shit. Like utter shit, and the pain of it is etched over his face. 

“Tired. Lots of pain.” Rey nods at the counter. “Medicine’s supposed to help,” she says, stopping herself, because just the use of her diaphragm to move enough air through her lungs and back out to talk to him is too much. 

Ben carefully scoops her up, and brings her to the couch, hearing the children play in the den or whatever they were calling it now. He wondered if he would still be theirs if Rey passed like Bazine did. Would it be wrong to test them before Rey is ready? Would it matter? Would she be mad?

He lets out a sigh, remembering what he found earlier that month all over again. The book. All of Baz’s secrets... he wonders if Rey has the same thing. 

“Ben?” Rey winces when she moves to look at him. 

“Yes?” He says far too breathy than how it should have sounded but, God he didn’t care. He wanted to know she was still here. That she was still with him.

“Can you get the iPad?” she asks and points with just a finger. She keeps her hand close to her heart trembling a little and he wonders why. 

“Of course, sweetheart,” Ben adjusts her, and she winces again trying hard to keep it inside. 

He doesn’t dare ask what that sound is. He’s already associated it with pain, what more could it be? When he returns, he follows her instructions finding her yule log video and wincing as she tucks it to the right of her. Then, she reaches out her arms trying to get him to pull her alongside of him so they can “sit” by the fire. Her eyes are heavy when she asks him to wake her when it’s time for bed then covers her hand over his heart looking to lean right next to it. He wonders if the rhythm is soothing but doesn’t ask this either. His Rey of sunshine is in need and hell do anything to help her.

Please stay, he begs her in his mind. Please don’t go. 

Rey slips into dreamland; her eyes constantly shift back and forth, and he wonders if it’s something the body does before it gives up. He wonders how long it’ll take to lose her forever. 

Bedtime for the children came soon enough which he was happy to know since he could check her without being a complete nervous wreck. When he did, he nuzzles his nose against the base of her neck, pressing his cheek into hers. Slight stubble woke her when he dragged his lips to her ear.

“Five more minutes,” she requests.

He gave five more, repeating the time to move on, and is rewarded with another request for time. An hour passes and Finn comes in complaining that he hasn’t slept in weeks and just wants them to get to bed already.

“Are you for real?” Finn complains at the two of them. “Get up! It’s bed time for everyone.”

Finn has already told the kids no shower until the morning. They have one week to go which really just means half days left of four-hour school days. It is more of a headache, but they have to go, or they don’t more up from pre-K3 to pre-K 4. And oh God, if Hudson found out. His life would be over.

——

The next few days are similar, Rey is up every eight hours popping more pills, but as the day proceeds, she seems to be more capable to handle other tasks. By the evening Ben sees her take yet another pill, deciding he needs to put an end to this cycle. She won’t be doing that any more, for whatever relief it’s giving her, he could give it better. 

After their bedtime routine, in that tiny twin bed that they’ve been sharing this whole time, he cradles her against him as they always do. Her cold toes rub against his warm feet, looking for any ability to be closer to him. He loves capturing one of them between his feet and she and never tries to break free from his hold. Her arms are where they’ve always been, around his waist holding him in place where he belongs. Ben always breathes a sigh of relief, loving the way she moves to snuggle in against him. Unlike all the other times he’s stayed quiet or smiled into her hair, he tells her what it does to him.

He pours his soul into her, admitting he loves the way her skin feels on his, the way her lips push against his mouth as if she’s searching for him. He babbles about how thankful he is to be hers, letting his large warm hands knead into her flesh at the small of her back. Ben knows every little sound she makes, every way to get her going, how to deal with this tight space, he knows they can have their joined bliss here together on this rail of a bed... but tonight he needs to see her, he needs to know for sure what her sounds really mean. 

It’s an adrenaline rush to Ben as he moves against her, capturing her sigh in a heated kiss. Being alone as a couple rarely happens, which is straining on their blooming relationship. During the day usually can get away with a tug around her waist, pulling her to him, in another room while the kids played momentarily in another. He remembers how wild and accepting she was when he did it too. She hiked her leg up high over his hip, arching her back against the wall to give him better access to her as he lit up her insides on fire with every stroke. Rubbing and quick contact seemed to be the only time they had with each other, except of course for the evenings or Saturday’s after he saw Amylin now that he had returned to work.

On those days he would ask Finn if he needed anything. Ben would take Rey claiming she needed to pick something up from the CVS around the corner while he was out. It wasn’t news to Finn that they needed their time, but it was cute to see them fawning over each other as if going to the drugstore was a date. It always felt like the second the house disappeared from view they’d have to find a place to pull over. Her hands would wander over him in such a way wearing jeans out had to be nixed. Over the short course of time that they started going out in the evenings, he couldn’t help but have to cover himself in anticipation. Pavlov’s theory is very real, he thinks. But his reward isn’t given at the sound of a bell, instead it’s the sound of their doors shutting and the engine starting.

He promised her she beautiful and how she’s everything to him. Instead of the store, they’d find a dark place to make out like teenagers. He’d complement the hell out of her about less important things like how well she takes him on nights that she is so bold.

 

God what he wouldn’t do for her energy right now. 

Tonight is about her he reminds himself. But it’s not. He hears another drag of doubt in her hiss as she opens herself to him. Ben takes his time, softened by the way she sounds, but pushes through. The act isn’t rewarding like it should be. He’s scared. Scared of rejection, and even hates himself for trying but pushes on while she encourages him to. 

Rey’s always wanted to be good for him, the thought of being bad or inadequate bothers her but she does what she can with what she has.

Then he hears a mewl of a sound and stills. 

Not Briana. 

Rey. 

She looks like she’s in shock, watching him intently as he sits back on his haunches still joined with her.

Rey shakes her head insisting that he doesn’t have to leave. She’s trying to be strong for him, even though it’s him who needs to be strong for her. 

“Take what you need,” she whispers, “I’ll give you, everything.”

If he hears her second promise, he has no response for it besides sinking back into her, chasing each of their releases. Ben’s mind starts up again as if it’s Bazine, giving him careless thoughts about purposefully trying to impregnate her. Maybe she’d hold on if she were pregnant. 

Ben hardens again assuming that’s what it will take to get Rey to stay with him always, maybe this will be how he gets the family he always dreamed of. He wanted the role, her kids—their kids. He wanted her happy, and instead he snaps back to when her body arches in what looks like pain, panting his name.

It’s too late to make this right. 

All of his what ifs fall away like leaves in autumn. Panic over what he’s done to her pounds over him like raging rapids. This was supposed to be out of love, his conscience reminds him. 

Faintly, he hears Amilyn, “You can’t control people...” while he looks over his present girlfriend. Her body heaves as if she just ran a marathon. He watches as her fingers skirt down her torso to cover her lower body. He watches her as she does, stopping to cover her scar.

He promises she’s beautiful the way she is, but she shakes her head needing to keep them pressed there. She’s just too weak now to tell him anymore... and instead she asks for sleep.

———

Seeing Amilyn again had its ups and downs. She was pleased with hearing about the progress with the house and letting Finn in to discuss something so personal... what she didn’t like was knowing that he worked himself up again but wouldn’t tell her why. 

She made notes and sighed heavily telling him that life is complicated enough, and the moment he feels like he has to hide what he’s done is just added stress. And no one needs added stress.

“Whatever you’ve done, Ben, it’s in the past.”

Rey isn’t in the past. 

Rey is now.

She’s sitting outside the door. 

She’s with him even though he’s been so desperate to keep her.

Telling Amylin he’s trying to get her pregnant wouldn’t go over well, what with having her own and taking them on. He’s sure all the women in the space would slap him and worst of all Rey would tell him to go.

No.

He’d take this to his grave. 

“Okay,” he nods, wrapping up their session.

———-

Ben watches her continue the pills, paying attention to her every move. Registering that there’s no effects to it that he can see. He really has no idea what they could do or what they altered. Maybe she was high all the time now. How would he even know? It’s not like he ever tried it.

By the next morning Rey’s switched her times for certain pills, causing Ben alarm. He has to find out what they are and why she won’t let him in.

Amilyn’s voice echoes around him again, this time about controlling himself, but he’s not having it. The moment she goes to take the kids to the bathroom, he’s up off the couch to go snooping. 

Making it to the kitchen, he pretends to be looking for a bowl to start making himself some breakfast. He doesn’t need anything else. Right? He just has to get into her bag. 

Getting in seems simpler as an idea. Actually, doing it is doing brain surgery. Not only does it hold her stuff, but changes of clothes for both kids, snacks, newborn size diapers, a tube of Desitin, half a bag of wipes, two travel size bottles of premade formula, a bag of binkies. The next thing he finds at the bottom of her bag is what looks like a peanut butter banana protein bar and drinks. How the hell does she carry all of this?

After a tiring search, he finds the little black bag of pills. He shakes it once to confirm, praying to God that it’s not what he thinks it is. He’s spooked hearing their voices close to the hall a couple of times. Their stomping feet makes him drop the bag and fidget with the placement of his bowl on the counter instead.

When it quiets down, he goes back to it, unzipping the bag tooth by tooth and dumping the contents out in his hand. He winces when he sees names he recognizes, Oxycodone being one of them, to be taken every four hours with the mix of other things. He tests each bottle’s weight in his hands, opening a few to see that they’re empty, when he’s supposes maybe she opted out of the stronger pill.

When he comes across the little pill box, he opens it wondering what they are. Hoping, god, hoping that they aren’t dangerous too. 

“What are you doing?” Rose’s voice is crisp sounding like the edge of a blade coming off of a grinding block.

Ben stills hoping to hear Hudson, but he isn’t there. 

Fuck.

Ben turns with the bottles and bag still in his hands in front of him. He’s been caught red handed and there’s no sense in hiding it. 

“What? Um, what do you mean?”

Rose always talks with her hands, and in order to keep this confrontation quiet she uses them suggesting he’s an obvious idiot. “What do you think I mean?” she whispers a shout. “Going through a woman’s purse isn’t the same as going through a guy’s phone – or wallet… it’s a lot more like opening his pants and judging him in front of a crowd.” 

Ben swallows, “You’re not going to tell her? Right?”

“No, I think you should.”

“But, I’m just worried about her.”

“All the more reason trust your girlfriend and ask her a straight forward question!”

The sound of children thumping through the hall and into their mother’s room comes next, and so does the sound of her voice. 

Oh, God.

“Can you at least tell me what this is?” He holds up a circular item that looks like it should be makeup but holds a halo of pills when opened. 

“Did you EVER date anyone that took care of themselves?” she asks looking concerned for a second but doesn’t actually want the answer. “It’s birth control!”

Ben looks at her dumbly when she takes it from him, putting the contents of the bag back where he found it for him. 

“Men! I swear to God you guys think you know everything. Finn used to do this stupid shit too. Women have to look out for themselves. If you aren’t self-advocating, you’re setting yourself up to be a victim. We,” he suggests she’s talking about Rey and herself, “We have to for our safety. Thinking a man is just going to show up one day and make it all better is stuff of fairytales.”

“But she’s never done this,” he points at the bag, “before. And she’s been taking more—”

Rose pulls over the step ladder that is beside the refrigerator and the wall, just to set it down in front of him. “Don’t move,” she says as she opens it to climb to the top step. There she looks him square in the eyes and pushes her palm into his forehead, just enough to push him back a step. The intent wasn’t to hurt him, just to knock some sense into him. “There, now you have some space in that big head of yours to listen to my two cents.”

Ben’s brow furrows while he watches her get down an put it away. 

“Your girlfriend, Rey, went to the Gyno because she was experiencing so much pain she started blacking out. Her IUD punctured her, and they had to take it out. Those pills are to help her heal and deal with the pain. If you fucking talked to her, you would know. I don’t blame her for feeling the way she does, weak and agitated, it was a major thing and she’s been bleeding all month. How don’t you know this?”

“Know what?” Hudson asks. 

Rose looks at him with wide eyes that turn to slits. 

“How much did you hear, Hudson?”

______

 

Ben does his best not to destroy himself over this, constantly telling himself that he didn’t know and now that he does it was going to be alright. They will be alright. He can learn to be a better him, to be who she needs, the way she is with him. He thinks about Rose’s line about fairytales and wonders if Rey ever dreamed of what her life could be like five years from now, or even better, if it included him. 

He makes up for the wasted time over the last week and the horrendous way that he treated her, begging her body for a future instead of being in the moment with her. It should never have happened. All of a sudden, the blood drained from his face and a cold sweat coated his body. He could have hurt her. Was that—was her reaction to their releases—was she in pain? It certainly looked like pain. He whines internally, over and over again, complaining about how stupid he was and how he needs to make it up to her. 

Today though, is not Tuesday. Instead it’s Friday and she works her late shift until eight but usually, after paperwork is done gets out around nine. His heart swells at the idea he has, wanting her to play hooky with him. He wants her to lie to them and say she can’t change her appointment and needs to be out by four the latest. Ben starts planning what they can do together if she agrees. They could go for a drive, so she doesn’t have to walk. It can be a nice long one where they sort of get lost and need the GPS to get back. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is getting her time. He wants all of it, every last second, he’ll take everything she’ll give. 

The kids run out of their mothers’ room, both dressed and wearing socks. Rey is calling to them to go put their shoes on and sit down for breakfast. She leaves her room in her pink scrubs today, already situated with her white and grey sneakers, fisting her lanyard with her ID in her hand while she holds Briana to make her way to the pack n play across the way. Ben checks back over his shoulder silently ask if it is okay to peruse and Rose only bulges her eyes as if it wasn’t obvious that it was his cue to go talk to her.

The kids are fine. 

Ben strides up to the room they’ve been sharing, knocking on the doorframe as Rey usually does for entry. She hasn’t since, being much more comfortable with him in their developing relationship, and when he does, it startles her. 

“Ben?” she asks, “Are you alright?”

The fact that she asks makes his heart break. She’s been asking him this whole time if he’s alright but never expecting the same in return. 

“I’m fine, I just, I’m worried about you.”

“Me?”

“Well, yeah, I mean you’ve been a little off and I haven’t been helpful or even totally here for you and—I want to make it right.” 

Ben slowly approaches the pack n play, rounding the first bed in the room. He reaches for the underside of her forearm, letting his hand drift down the soft skin there, until he reaches her hand. He purses his lips then bites the bottom one before he tries to speak again, like a scared young man trying to ask out the girl of his dreams. 

“You mean so much to me,” he whispers as she steps forward. Briana is expectantly waiting to be picked back up instead of being in her bouncy chair. She kicks for attention and moves the seat as she goes. 

“And you do to me too, Ben.” Rey looks at him curiously. She knows there’s more that he wants to say something but maybe he’s trying to find the right words for. He’s done this in the past, and honestly, it’s a nice change from whatever the kids think. Her kids, just like Rose’s had no problem telling someone in kidspeak to go fuck themselves and get picked up by the cops for saying no to them. This? Thinking before he speaks, is a nice change. Rey’s okay with waiting for the edited version, reminding herself that she’s good at waiting.

“Play hooky with me today?”

“What?”

“Tell them you have to go half day, no exceptions. I’ll do the same. I just, I want to take you somewhere, anywhere. Anything you want to do, just us, and not on a Tuesday.”

“What’s wrong with Tuesday’s?” Rey asks warily. 

“Nothing! Nothing,” he promises. “I just want more of your time.”

His honesty takes her by surprise. She’s been giving him time and room to deal with his issues in peace. She’d be there when he needed him, cuddled, even started sleeping with him that first week he stayed. As their relationship grew, she’d see fragments of a life he once had. His childhood. The most recent trauma he’s been through hasn’t been private. Everyone knew. Everyone saw, but unlike everyone else, he has a family now that will do anything, they can for him. The very thought that he would have time for her, even though he’s trying to get through all of this, is enchanting. It makes her feel like more than she’s ever felt with anyone else. This must be it. She must have been right. This is love… and it’s growing.

Rey closes the space between them. It’s such a lovely gesture to be remembered and wanted, she thinks. She wraps her arms around his waist as she does when she’s sleeping, pulling him in for a hug. She feels she needs it, or she’ll begin to cry instead of answering him. At first, it’s a silent nod. And then she adds, “Alright. I’ll tell them when I get in. I—what time?” 

“How’s four?”

She squeezes him in agreement. “Four works. For works.”

____

It’s been a lovely afternoon with his girl. The weather is nice, they have the windows down during their ride, which started locally and went further than the cliff she took him too. Instead they drove to a little town in the country where she could see farms for miles. Some were for food, others for farm life such as cattle and horses. It was sweet to see her expressions when she’d find more animals out, enjoying the day. Ben kept driving until he found a restaurant without door seating. 

There he learned more about her. She told him she loved the strands of light against a dark sky. It didn’t matter if they were small like Christmas lights or large like the ones they show in magazines, she just liked the orbs of light. She said they reminded her of small suns. The smaller ones resembled stars, and lightning bugs, well, those are her favorite bugs, hands down. If she was an insect, that’s the one she wanted to be. Not a butterfly. A lightning bug. 

Ben opened up about some things to her too that he couldn’t remember telling anyone, ever. He told her about his childhood, some of the things that his mother always threatened him with telling his first girlfriend, which he purposely decided against having until after high school. He found himself explaining that he never did. He just never really thought he was boyfriend material until he got older. Being alone could be a top-heavy scale. Sometimes it was all he needed and other times it was so quiet, he thought even the silence was judging him.

They sat next to each other at their square table instead of across which they think they may have been bothering the other guests with their setup, but Ben repeatedly told her it was alright or would be. He learned that she, like Hera, liked fish, but only ever tried what they used to catch in the river—which often times wasn’t a fish. She has tried crawfish but couldn’t tell him what it tasted like because they were kids and it was a long time ago. The thing she could remember was that it was a weird texture, and she’s almost positive that no one could pay her to do it again. The most fish she’s had has been from a can or mixed into Finn’s tuna casserole. 

Ben couldn’t relate. His father had such a sensitive nose that he could smell a can being opened from the garage. The man would run out and make such a scene that Ben gave up tuna altogether. He couldn’t, if he tried, tell her what it tasted like. 

He went on to tell her about seasons he loved like the summer and winter. Summer for the long days, and winter for the roaring fires at his parents’ house. So long as a fire was going, everything was fine. It seemed to slow down the day enough for them to go back to normal. All of the stress would melt away and he found watching the flames dance around the logs, cracking them as they burned, was soothing. He said he loved the glow, which is when she added that she loved that in the summer. The sun would glow at sunset in wonderful oranges, painting the land as if it was a reflection of the sky. 

“I love it when the sun is huge, and pink. I know you aren’t supposed to, but I find I can stare at it when it does that. I wonder what the earth will be like when the sun does grow to be that size. Will we still be here? Or will it all change again? Will we be discovered by the next species like we do with dinosaurs? Or will we be a fuel to them like the way we pump oil?”

This was a good idea, he smiles at himself. Ben’s sure she’s never been so free. In the time he’s been with her, even at home, she’s quiet. Probably detoxing from the constant chatter in her life. But she’s different now. Playful even, like she was when she first started visiting. If he could he would find any reason not to go to work just to have this time with her. Is that what she was talking about when she offered him the opportunity of going back to school? Would they really have more time like this if he did?

Before they go back, he makes it of the utmost importance to get ice cream and watch the sunset until the stars come out. It was a perfect time out. If he could he would have frozen themselves in time. The vibrant colors that washed over her skin were beautiful, but nothing in comparison to what it would do to her eyes. If he thought they sparkled before, he was certainly mistaken. Looking into them made him feel like he could see her origin, her past, her future. He imagined they were tiny worlds, he was dying to remain a part of. Like meeting her was an out of body experience that was a blessing given by some highly ranked shaman, giving him a second chance at a life he never thought he deserved. 

None of these things ever made it past his thoughts. Not into words. That would be far too embarrassing to try to explain to her. But maybe she would understand. She was just imagining a new species using their bones as fuel, wasn’t she?

Instead he couldn’t help the sound of his breath catching in his throat and his admission of his love for her. He felt like he was proposing over an ice cream cone, but she needed to know. He wanted her to hear him as if it could be their last day. He wanted her to feel precious with every passing hour. He couldn’t allow himself to act poorly around her again. 

___

Its Rey who suggests they get going, telling him that it would be just fine to watch the stars in the car. 

“Less mosquitos,” she said.

When they get home the kids are still awake and Finn’s only response is something along the lines of, they wanted to wait for you. 

It’s fine. The way he’s feeling right now makes everything fine. They could be floating down a river ready to hit rapids and everything would remain fine. The way she kissed him tonight is burned into his memory, into every nerve she came in contact with made him believe he could feel her on him even though she hasn’t been in over an hour. Nothing could make him forget it. Ben’s sure he looks a little drunk on life, but who cares? All he cares about now is reigniting that delicate spark between them. He was sure that if she didn’t suggest going home, they’d still be in there, chasing each other’s deepest desires.

Being back in kid territory, the tables have turned. Rey and Ben got the little ones ready for bed, and on the way to get Briana her next bottle Ben went to pick her up in her chair when he hears the kids on the monitor. They always have such active little minds before bed, as if they know going to sleep is going to stop them. Smart, he thinks. They’re just so aware, of what they want to be aware of, he corrects himself. Addy and her feelings. She can listen to the words and pick out the meaning based on tone. It’s just amazing, and frustrating at the same time. While Anthony is all about him. He wants Ben to be his father for the rest of time. And damnit if that doesn’t make his heart swell with happiness. 

Though, nothing could prepare him for what he just heard. There was no way he heard it, and no way to rewind the little device to make sure. He watches the monitor as if it could though. Ben is almost willing it to move in reverse with his mind. He finds himself begging it to like it’s some deity, when he hears Rey hum her response while brushing back Anthony’s thick hair from his eyes. 

“I don’t think Daddy would like to be kicked at night, though. You would have to be really still to get to sleep by him.” 

Ben finds the side of the bed, just enough, to be able to sit down on the edge of it. She called him Daddy. She said it in response to her child. Does she know? Did she check? Is there something he should know? Ben wants to jump for fucking joy, but just like this morning and acting on instinct then, he can see this blowing him to pieces if it isn’t true. 

“Can we try tonight?” 

“You’ll have to sleep in your own bed, in your real room if you want to do that.” 

Anthony is up and running into what is supposed to be his room finding Ben on a bed watching the monitor. 

“This is my bed!” he screams through the doorway at his sister, who really could care less. 

“I’m sorry, Ben. Anthony was hoping to sleep by you tonight.” She gives him the most trusting look he’s ever seen from her, and he nods asking them to give him enough time to feed Briana. 

Anthony is completely fine with staying up longer to hang out with his best friend, while Addy is getting ready for the best Mommy cuddles of her life. Addy clings to her like Rey clings to Ben, ready to call it a night. 

____

 

By the end of June, both Addy and Anthony are bed trained, but still working on toilet training. They have their bumper bars up and all is well until one or both starts fighting for the bathroom. Most nights they’re able to figure it out, and others Anthony has been careless and peed all over the floor, adjusting himself as he goes back to bed wearing the diaper incorrectly. Addy has had her moments but unlike Rey’s experiences with Anthony, Addy’s diaper never twists up on her, which means that if she doesn’t have poop, her night is saved by said diaper. 

Briana has since moved into Rey’s room and their first night in, Rey couldn’t fight the urge to talk to her bed like a long-lost friend. Ben couldn’t help but tease her about it either, which stays fresh in his mind nightly. She was so playful with him, like she was the day she started a tickle fight, or better still let him shave her legs. Those moments were just what he needed; he had all of her trust, and that night was no different. He remembers the way she reached for him, how welcoming she was, how good she felt, and all the space he could ever want to explore her in. 

Being here now in their correct rooms still didn’t mean much for sleep, but it did for space, even though they kept each other close, they could still reconnect after caring for a child without accidentally shoving the other off of the bed.

___

 

Ben’s mind has never been clear, but this week’s therapy session has him climbing a ladder in terms of emotional successes. Amylin is impressed with the improvement, still trying to keep him in line with his goals. She reminds him that the house is not a reflection of himself. Changing the house won’t change him. Letting himself grow from the activity will be far more detrimental to his health though. Reminding him that it is what he can take from it.

He takes this with him when he heads out with Rey to meet up with Dopheld. Poe opted to help Finn at home but would send extra hands with Doph to get primer set on the majority of the rooms that day. 

“The kids want to help,” Poe said on the phone. 

“You didn’t tell them what it’s for right?”

“No, no... they’re just looking for something to do. Plus, if you sign off on community service it’s a win-win for them. It’s hard to do it around here. Not everyone is so trusting of teens. It’s sad. They’re just—they’re good kids.”

“Tell them to bring their papers. I’ll sign off on all of them.”

“Wow! That’s! That’s great man. I’ll let them know...”

Their conversation sat in the back of his mind when Rey got into the car with him to go. She rummages through her purse and again he wonders what she could possibly be digging for. A small smile adorns her lips as she pulls it from the side her kid’s clothes are on. 

The smell of leather hits him like a truck. It’s potent and he wonders why on earth it didn’t smell before. 

“I’m sorry it didn’t come sooner, but I think you might be in a better place now to accept it.” Rey hands him a small handmade, black leather-bound book roughly the size of a stack of three by five flash cards. On it there’s a pressed emblem of a sun, that clearly means something to her. His fingers trace the edges and she swallows all of her self-doubt, explaining what it is and why she bought it for him, in his silence.

“It’s a journal. The leather symbolizes power and protection.”

“What does black mean?”

“It can mean what you’d like it to, but to me, it’s deep.”

Ben’s mesmerized with how she says it. 

“It reminds me of the furthest place my mind can travel. It’s usually unforgiving but when I work through it, I’ve found peace.”

And you picked a sun,” he points at it with his index finger.

“Because you’re in the process of finding yourself...”

Silence stretches between them, not even the engine purrs loud enough to be heard over their thoughts. She watches him swallow, unsure of whether or not she should continue. She wonders if she should tell him what it’s for or why she really got it. Her own self reassurance bubbles up at the thought of the trinket she left in her purse. Her voice seems softer than it was when their conversation first started. Rey can’t be sure he even heard her, but she continues. It’s for the best, she thinks.

“I was hoping you would write to her. Maybe you could tell her it’s okay. That you understand—and forgive her,” Rey steadies her shoulders when she adds, “That you loved her and still do.”

“Rey.”

“It’s okay to love her.”

“Sweetheart.”

“No, Ben. You need to tell her,” she pats the journal in his hand. “It doesn’t have to be now, but when you’re ready, tell her these things. Get it out of your system and offer it up to her. It might help you move with your new normal instead of fighting it all the time.”

____

 

It takes him another month to feel strong enough to write to Bazine. It honestly never crossed his mind to even try to do this after the fact, but it seemed like Rey just knew this would help him. If she believed in this, he could do it for her.

He’s spent his therapy sessions with Amylin coming up with what he wanted to say on a separate piece of paper. Rey didn’t need to hear about how broken up he was about all of this, she knew. She’s been listening. She’s been there. And now? Now it’s Amylin turn to help him see this through. 

For the first time in a long time he felt like he was twelve again, trying to come up with a thesis, find the points he wanted to hit and get there. Amylin made sure that he knew that this wasn’t to be practiced or rehearsed in any way, that it was okay to scribble things out and decide on another way. She told him that his handwriting would be fine, that he didn’t have to type it out and insert it with tape of glue. The point was to connect with her on her level. 

“Did you ever do this with Rey?”

Amylin frowned, looking back at her screen for a moment, before she answered him. 

“No.”

“What did you do with her?”

“Ben, she’s a patient of mine, and by law I can’t discuss it. But that shouldn’t stop you from asking her. I can’t imagine that she’d keep that from you. Especially after sharing everything else. I would imagine though, that you already know.”

Ben chews on his lip trying to stay focused on his task when he puts the pen down exclaiming about her choice. Her therapy is family! It’s having her family. He looks again at the indented cover deciding that she is the sun shielded by his darkness.

He presses on, thoroughly writing to Bazine about everything. His pain while they dated, his anger that she wouldn’t love herself or him, and the fear that surged through his being when she died making what he thought was another careless decision on her part. 

As he passes the center sewn binding, Ben colors the cord with the ink, signifying the line he was crossing to finish this. He tells her about finding her note and the lighter. His disappointment in himself for not being able to save her. He writes about wishing he knew what she did with the other pages that were ripped out but appreciates what she did leave hidden in his parent’s house. 

Amylin asks if he’d like a little more time and he nods in response diligently working through. This project has oddly given him a sense of calm, and he wants nothing more than to finish it. Reaching the last page is both a blessing and a curse. It’s out. All of it. But now that it is, what is he supposed to do with it

“I’m sure she has a plan,” Amylin says, reassuring Ben as she does. “She did just give you closure,” she smiles.

That’s what this activity is. 

Closure.

Rey knew he needed it. How didn’t he think of it before? It’s not like he could go up to her grave and demand answers. But Rey figured it out and while he might not ever be completely past this, he does feel like he’s gained his self-control... He does feel like he’s back and he knows it’s because he listened to her. 

——

In the days to follow the teens have been over at his parents’ house in the evenings to paint with one of the guys and himself after the kids have gone to sleep. Ben has learned more about the boys from the party while they painted the ceilings, Ben’s least favorite part. Michael wants to be a photographer working alongside journalists. Rian said something about being drawn to the theater, specifically wanting to be in film. A director, mostly, which made the most sense since he could get anyone to move. Jeffery was still living in the moment not sure of what he wanted from life. All he knew was if he could make it a good one, he would. Maybe get married someday, he shyly looks over to Angie who is bringing in another gallon of primer when he says it. 

Ben couldn’t help but want to coach him up a little, telling him to ask if he could help. Jeffery blushes horribly, doubting himself telling Ben there was no way. 

“We live together. Her bunk is three doors down the hall. I can’t face that kind of rejection if she doesn’t like me like that.”

“You don’t have to suggest that you like her to be kind. Rey did it with me months ago—Oh! Now’s your chance,” he nods at her as she walks up to the middle of the room, shifting the can in her grasp. 

Jeffery shrugs and tries anyway. To his surprise Angie lets him, then tells him about the other four that needed to go upstairs. Ben could not believe the grin Jeffery gave him, pounding two soft but excited jabs onto his bicep as the boy passes. Ben’s so excited about it that he’s sure all of his dimples are clearly laid out on his face and the tips of his ears are finally cooling from the anxiety he had for Jeffery too. 

Of the girls he’s met, Angie was the first and there was one other, Tanal. She is average size for a thirteen-year-old, has a richer tone than her friend, and vitiligo patches over her left eye, ear and smattered down her back and shoulder like reversed freckles. This was something he had to look up, so that he didn’t offend her if it ever came up in conversation. 

She had recently been abandoned for the third time in one year. Tanal was so hurt by it, she wouldn’t leave Angie’s side. It’s depressing to Ben who thinks of Rey’s kids, hoping they never go through having to question their worth in the eyes of the unworthy. He fights the urge to go put his fist through a wall to show his frustration with her rejection because of it. But the kids are there, and they’re doing such a great job. So instead he opts for running his fingers through his hair asking each of them what colors they should get for each room instead.

———

It’s a cool start to what will be another hot Saturday in July. Independence Day had already passed and was fun spending it with Maz and getting the first few rooms colors picked. What they found were reasonable pallets for certain rooms such as the kitchen which would be a pale yellow. The dining room will be burgundy, followed by aurora green for the bathroom and across the way at the living room, they decided on navy blue which may be replaced by slate grey if they can find it. The hallway they couldn’t decide on so they picked a pale blue they pointed to at random, and even though they seemed to know what they were getting into downstairs, they couldn’t completely decide on what to do upstairs. It didn’t matter what clues to those spaces there would be, he just wanted them to figure out what would feel best and at the time it was hard to do.

While they were inside coming up with plans for who would be where and painting with Dopheld and Poe, because they’re still kids and need supervision, Anthony and Addy are out playing in the yard with Rey and Rose. The kids were off exploring and having fun when Ben finally joined them. 

Rey, who’s been waiting all morning it seems like, surprises Ben with yet another item for him and Bazine. It’s a stone box that she had a custom fitted with a stainless-steel center that rose higher than the seam of the outer stone shell. It was done so that if water got to it neither book would be ruined.

She explains, “It’s time to let the past go.”

Ben watches her pull both her crimson and his black journals from under her arm. A moment later, she’s giving them to him, letting he decide on whether or not he’s really able to let go. When he does, he puts his journal on the bottom, and hers on top, signifying that she’s gone to a better place. She lets him slide the granite stone lid over top of it and take the items with them to the shade tree in the middle of his backyard. There she lets him burry it—another important activity he never knew he needed.

His body rises and falls steadily as he lets the last of his emotions go. He didn’t want to cry. Not today. Not when so many people were here, but as it stood, they all had his back. When Ben covered their items, he turned back to find Rey, then everyone else.

Ben swallows nervously, not knowing what to expect. He stands there unable to move when they all start praying out loud in an even, knowing tone. He’s able to hear their individual voices now that he knows them too. 

_Our Father,_  
Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name;  
Thy kingdom come;  
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  
Give us this day our daily bread;  
and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us;  
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil,  
Amen. 

 

Their following breath is steady as they start another one, he’s heard years ago:

_Hail Mary,_  
full of grace.  
The Lord is with thee.  
Blessed art thou amongst women,  
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary,  
Mother of God,  
pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death,  
Amen. 

 

They are silent for a moment letting emotion charge the air. Addy and Anthony are handed a large metal item to walk up to Ben. The sight of children that little knowing what to do to celebrate the loss of life is unnerving. But the very fact that they’re here taking part warms him in ways the sun never could. 

When he takes it from them, he thanks each of them before holding it up to see what it is. He’s never seen anything quite like it but knows the shape in the center. It’s the emblem that was pressed into the leather cover. She—Rey must have taken it off before she gave it to him. 

Clever girl. 

The remainder of the design curves outward around the piece, similar to Bazine’s designs. This item, he thinks, was clearly made for them, even if no one else really understood it. 

“Where should I—" Ben’s voice shakes when he asks where he should put it. 

Poe and Finn had brought over a wooden bench to protect the space from feet, someone must have branded into the top slat: You Are My Light just as it was shown on the lighter too. 

Ben, who is overwhelmed by it all, covers his face with one of his hands while he holds out the decorative piece to anyone at all. Poe takes it and puts it on a Sheppard’s hook behind the bench, situating it to let it move in the wind. 

The group stands there in silence in the climbing heat until Ben is able to speak. He accepts hugs from those who want to give them and offers his wallet to one of the guys who was taking all of the kids back inside to rest in the cool central air, to order lunch.

Rey stands her ground though. It’s as if she’s always keeping watch, he thinks. 

“You didn’t have to do all of this for me.”

“I wasn’t alone.”

Ben looks at her curiously. 

“This is an act of love from your entire family,” she takes his hand, guiding him to sit.

A warm breeze floats by and suddenly all Rey can think about is a tall glass of ice water. She’s kind enough to squeeze his hand and ask him if he’d like something too. 

To her surprise he asks for a bottled water on her way back. He wanted to experience this space with her. He wanted to find out how they did it. He needed to know how it stayed such a healing surprise... he wanted to thank God again for them and for her.

And it’s just what he did. 

Sinking back into the varnished hardwood bench, he watches Rey cross his backyard purposefully. She’s not far from the back door when her body slouches downward at her next forward step, throwing her into a heap onto the ground.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What is pregnananat mean Mommy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaybohls is a master mind! I can't rave about her moodboards enough! She surprised me with this baby last night and I woke up to the best description of this chapter ever! I couldn't have been more surprised!
> 
> ********  
> Good news and bad. Good news: both of my kids are feeling better. Bad? The Mommy Tissue (Me) is just starting it. I'm knocking back whatever I can to avoid it but I already feel the effects - rawr.
> 
> I'll be working on the next chapter today while I can still function but I have no idea when I'll be posting. 
> 
> _____
> 
> As always, I can't even... The love that this story has gotten just blows me away. It makes me so happy that you're enjoying this - words can't explain how much. <3 <3

[](https://ibb.co/HgBp1K4)

It all happens in an instant. Ben can only be grateful that the grass was so thick from not caring for it over a year that at least it sort of caught her fall. It didn’t, however, stop her from getting marked up from falling face first into it though.  

They had just said goodbye to Bazine. It was so beautiful the way that they all came together, and now seeing her on the ground in a heap makes his stomach flip. All he can see even now is how she dropped. It repeats while she’s on the ground. It’s all he can do to cup her face with his shaking hands and scream for help. His voice strains terribly and he’s sure he doesn’t recognize the sounds he’s making. Nothing should move like that.  

His breathing is ragged wondering what could have possibly set it off. Those medications were done, he even watched her pour the Oxycodone pills into the toilet and flushed them so no one could get to it in her garbage. She made sure she peeled the sticker off of the tube and disposed of them in separate bags, a lot like she does with credit cards that she cut up.  

His Rey couldn’t possibly be gone. She was so responsible. She promised him forever over an ice cream cone just as he did. Forever couldn’t be over. It just started! 

Poe came to Ben’s side, claiming it would have been Finn but he’s trying to deflect her kids from coming out. The last thing they need to she is their mother, unresponsive, on the ground. 

“What happened?” 

“She just fell!” 

Poe tells him to check her to see if she’s bleeding. They carefully roll her from her face to her back. There’s nothing, no signs at all. Poe looks over her features, then slips two fingers from her jaw to line up properly over her pulse point.  

It’s only been seconds and Ben’s life is flashing before his eyes. He misses but feels the jerk in her body as she pulls herself back, inhaling deeply. Her eyes bulge, arms flail, and she pushes her way up back onto her feet like it’s a race to get to the surface.  

She doesn’t know she fell but knows there’s something off.  

“Why does my face hurt?” 

Ben looks at Poe who’s just as confused as he is but knows enough to ask her what she remembers. 

Rey looks around at them sensing their fear, so she starts talking. 

“Well, I don’t remember getting this far. That’s for starters...” she turns to look at how far she travelled. “I remember holding your hand at the bench. And, and then I thought I was walking through those haze lines of a mirage. And then there was nothing—and here I am.” 

Poe makes a clicking sound with his tongue and tells Ben he’ll go get his wallet.  

“Make sure she doesn’t go anywhere,” he says firmly as he rises to his feet. 

“What?” Rey asks. 

“When I get back, Ben’s taking you in.” 

“Oh no... why?” 

“You fainted and landed on your face.” 

“It’s the heat...” 

“And you could have a concussion.” 

“I just need some water...” 

“Rey— “Ben’s voice sounds just deeper than Poe’s when he says her name. Rising carefully, as if he could spook her if he moved any faster, Ben speaks slowly. “Let me take care of you, please?”  

Rey’s brow furrows trying to assess why they’re making such a big deal over fainting. It’s obvious to her that she is feeling the effects of it and is disoriented to boot, but concussion? Poe’s out of his mind. 

She can’t help but look up and then away from him wincing since she can’t handle the bright early afternoon sun. Rey hasn’t even seen it though. All she’s done is looked just over his shoulder at the blue skies above them and that alone was too much for her. Concussion she repeated to herself. 

“Alright... Alright...Urgent care though. I don’t have a regular physician, and hospitals are for emergencies.” 

“Okay, sweetheart,” he says trying to hide the humor he’s finding in her response.  

This is—so much better than what he thought had happened. A million times better. He thought he was a cast member in some horror show watching Rey drop like that. He had just been strong enough to say goodbye to Bazine—he couldn’t lose her too! 

Rey let Ben steady her. They said as little as they could to everyone inside, except for Rose, who nodded to the both of them and winked at Ben. Ben, who has always been a little on the fence of that woman, frowns back at her mouthing his question. 

Rose only grins in response. 

That woman, Ben shakes his head as he leads Rey out the front door to Poe’s truck. They had been reminded that if the kids had to leave, they needed the car seats, and it was far too much of a hassle to move all of them from it to use two cars, so the van stayed. Poe’s truck has Ben wondering what he does on the side, or if he’s just a big truck kind of guy.  

“Just easy on speed on a sharp turn,” Poe calls from the porch like he’s talking about his child needing extra attention with a specific need. Not that he has them. Poe’s never really been one to push Kaydel for anything. That is, until she’s absolutely ready. 

“I’m not going racing,” Ben calls behind him as he helps Rey into her side. 

Any other day he’d do the same. It didn’t matter if there was an emergency or not, Rey deserved to be treated correctly, even if she wasn’t ready to accept it. When he’s satisfied with her safety, Ben closes the door to thank Poe, but he’s already gone back inside. Maybe the kids needed something he thinks.  

There isn’t much more he can do as he steps up over the rail to get in next to her. Ben figures he can thank Poe again later and catch them up with what whoever might be seeing her today, finds. Hopefully her injuries are minor, and it has nothing to do with her most recent issue. 

“There isn’t even a scratch,” Rey says as she licks her finger to rub off the dirt under her eye. “I don’t know why you guys are making such,” she stops to yawn, then continues, “a big deal over this. They’re going to look me over and tell me to go home.” 

“If that’s all then great, but if I dropped like I was shot would you worry over me?”   
“You know I would.” 

Ben goes silent, nodding with the weight of her words. She didn’t give him even a second after he asked. Leaning forward he starts the truck, the low volume of his whisper battles with the roar of the engine. “I thought I lost you.” 

“What?” She can’t help the way she leans in to brush his hair back from shielding his eyes. She feels like jello and finds herself apologizing for pulling his hair.  

He asks again if she’s okay, and she hums in agreement.  

“Rey, sweetheart...” 

Her eyes close.  

“Rey? Stay with me.”  

“I’m in the seat. With you. Need sleep.” 

Shit. 

———— 

Urgent Care was not much different. Rey would wake up for long enough to tap out her name and information on a waiting iPad, which, to Ben looked like an excellent way to spread germs. He walked with her to the desk each time the receptionist asked something of her. He wondered if it was some shitty way to figure out how necessary it was for a patient to be there. After the third time, he told her to sit and that he would get the information they needed for her.  

Patients around them shuffled in and out, some claiming to need to get rid of their sinus infections, another with a sling around her neck holding up her right arm. Then towards the back of the room sat a mother of three, trying desperately hard to keep herself together while she is warning each of them to stop staring at the guy next to them. She hissed commands without looking at them too. He tried desperately hard not to pay attention, but all of her kids were named within the J’s, presumably so that if she misspoke, maybe she’d get someone to listen. He wonders once or twice if it ever works. 

Rey’s name is called again, and she doesn’t move. She fell asleep. Not wanting to miss her turn he calls that it’s them, and they’ll be right there. He wonders if it’s enough space to carry her through but that’s dramatic. She’d be embarrassed if he did it over something so “silly.” 

Ben’s able to wake her and they move towards the nurse who called them at the front of the room. Rey first sees his printed scrubs and wonders if she could have scrubs like those. She starts asking about them, super focused on the pattern of cartoon boys with big heads and little bodies dressed as nurses scattered around on his scrubs. 

“Uh, yeah,” he agrees, telling her that the material is approved, and they are actually scrubs and not some kind of imposter. 

“Hmm...” she responds wondering again if she could have something like that at work. 

The two get into talking about their jobs and finally why Rey’s there, which is a good switch for Ben who feels like the odd man out. 

“Well, it is hot out. And you said it looked...” 

“Grey, like I was walking through those mirage lines in the horizon.” 

The nurse grabs a cup and leads her out pointing to the bathroom. Ben is noticed by the same man as the anxious boyfriend and is asked to sit and wait for her on their room. 

“First time?” 

“What?” asks Ben. 

“First time?” 

“Here?”  

He replies meaning the location and then for his girlfriend’s concussion.  

“Yeah.” 

“I remember mine.” 

Ben’s eyebrows lift wondering what the hell this guy is talking about.  

“That intense?” 

“You could say,” he laughs. “You could say... 

Rey makes it back with the filled cup and sets it on the counter with a yawn. She opts to sit on the chair next to Ben instead of on the table to wait for the doctor mumbling something about the air conditioner being too high. It doesn’t take rocket science for him to offer his warmth to her. She never says no to cuddling and she doesn’t now.  

Her male nurse pulls the pH strip from her sample and smiles broadly letting them know the doctor will be in shortly. That guy gives Ben the creeps and is so thankful to see him leave he even waves as the man closes the door.   
Exactly two seconds later, just as he’s going to say something about it, the doctor comes in with news. He takes them both by surprise. The doctor is tall, roughly Ben’s size looking like his blonde double. Initially Rey thought it was a joke. He looked like he should be at the beach sporting some zinc, and holding either a surfboard or a buoy, instead of pushing in with his laptop and wearing a lab coat. Now she’s sure she’s staring and giving Ben all the more reason to question her, but she can’t help it. 

“Can you two stand next to each other?” she asks. 

“Rey…” 

“I just want to see.” 

“No—don’t bother the doctor.” 

“You would just be standing. It’s not hard,” she gets up, a little wobblier than she would have liked to in order to show him, placing her hands at her sides next to the confused man. “Like this, but you.” 

Ben grumbles while he leans his head against the wall in exasperation. The way she laughs at it is amusing but he can’t help but ask out loud how hard she hit her head.  

“Why don’t you have a seat Ms. Kenobi?” Rey’s eyes shoot up like she’s just been scolded. 

Ben can’t help but watch her take a seat and remember that she isn’t completely his yet. She’s still a Kenobi. Not a Solo. His mind takes him down the terrible path of self-doubt wondering if she would always be his or if this new doctor had all of her attention. She looks so young on the table crossing her feet below her knee. He realized she does that when she’s really trying to listen. He watches as she goes down the list of events again and smiles shyly at the man again. Those are his! His smiles. No one else should get those smiles, he thinks as he sits up in his chair to lean forward trying to get out of his thought cloud.  

The second he does, she bubbles up, filling the space with her enchanting laughter. What? What did he miss? Ben tries his best not to ask what happened. The last thing he wants to do is bring attention to his jealousy.  

Rey asks how it’s even possible, explaining that she still had two weeks before the placebo, and still was coming off the lasting effects of the IUD.  

Ben has always been a perceptive man. He’s always figured out the problem and been able to work through it, but he’s just about ready to faint himself when he’s put together the concept that they might not be alone with the doctor. 

“A miracle?” the man looked just as exasperated as Rey did, and then looked over to Ben who was as pale as the wall. “At least you’re more put together now instead of this guy. Who is he anyway?” 

Rey’s smile improves, though her disbelief is evident, she leaves the table to sit by him, reaching for his now clammy hands. She blushes when she gives him the only title that could have ever mattered more in his life.  

“He’s the father.” 

———— 

“I don’t think you should drive in your current state. 

“Me?” Rey whines, “You just spent another twenty minutes in the waiting room to make sure the room wasn’t spinning.”  

“Rey...” 

“Besides, I know where we have to go next.” 

“Yes, the high-risk facility that I am more than sure can be located by GPS,” Ben says as he crowds her space in the parking lot. 

She looks so small to him in this moment. Fragile even. Although she’s never been. Not to him. Maybe now given their news, he can’t help but feel as though she could shatter into a million pieces if she so much as turned the wrong way.  

“Please let me be your man,” he feels the words fall out of his mouth before he has time to process them. That sounded stupid, didn’t it? 

Rey, still feeling the effects of dehydration, which the doctor had said was most likely why she dropped in the first place, reaches for him to brace herself around him as she’s always done. She’s always found safety and comfort here, and in the moment, she wonders if he knows how much. Rey looks up at his face processing what he’s said. She watches as he waits desperately for her answer, just as she did over the frozen treat earlier this month, proposing had no business in his question now. She knew what he was trying to ask. But was she ready to let go of herself and let someone else take care of her? It was hard enough when Rose did it. 

“Please have patience with me. I have to learn to let you help me. You can drive,” she says as she pulls him closer. Heat from the side of Poe’s silver truck on her back is surprising but welcome. She thinks of Bazine and how hard it was for her to let someone in, then of his past and how hard it must have been to watch he suffer. “I just know some things from carrying before that I’m going off of. Please don’t take it like I’m pushing you away...” 

Ben hushes her, knowing her story. He tells her it’ll be okay, that they’ll get through everything together. 

“But no more sex. It scares the fucking shit out of me, like I’m hurting the baby. And I don’t want to hurt you either,” he admits.  

Rey smiles at this thinking it won’t be an issue since she’s already gone through it alone the first time. She loves knowing that he will care for her instead of being just a hole to be buried in.  

“So long as you hold me and make sure I don’t feel alone or cast out, I can manage...” 

Ben encircles his arms around her that had been on either side of her on the side wall of the tailgate. Dipping his head low, he nuzzles the tip of his nose down her cheek, humming in approval as she leans on to him. Here he could never be afraid. She warm and tender, agreeing to try, and respecting his fear. He whispers his thanks to her between pressing soft kisses just under the shell of her ear finding just enough of her sweat that didn’t settle right for him then. He takes a steadying breath trying to slow his racing concerns. It frightens him all over again that the heat could make her pass out again.  

“Come on sweetheart,” he says, “let’s get you in so I know you’re safe.” 

At his request she let him lead her to her door making sure they had no repeats of this morning. Once she’s in and comfortably sitting in the big leather seat, Rey smiles down to Ben who looks absolutely in love. His eyes focus on her like a hopeful puppy. It never occurred to her until being with Ben that there could be more, or that she could be loved the way he keeps promising her he does. 

It puts her at ease. 

——- 

As they approach the building, Rey informs him that this doctor is the head of obstetrics at the hospital, promising that he’s the best in the field. Ben can only listen as she raves about this guy, wondering if she’s got a crush, like she seemed to with that other guy that he should be aware of. She wouldn’t leave him over the baby right? He wonders again if women only see him when they’re pregnant and if this reaction to “such a caring” doctor alarmed other men the way that it is for him. Then the thought strikes him like lightning. What if they hate him for doing this to her? What if she finds out he did it on purpose?  

When Rey turns back to him, she stops talking. Her mouth hangs open as she assessed him and can’t help the hurt she’s feeling just seeing him lost thoughts. 

“Do you not want this with me?” she asks, her voice just barely whispers. 

“What?” Ben’s eyebrows shoot up in alarm. He’s pretty sure he’s watching Rey’s heartbreak and he hasn’t said anything at all. “No! No, no, no… no. Sweetheart, no,” he repeats feeling like he’s about to lose her again. What was it with today? What did he do?... 

“Why would you ask such a thing?” 

“You.” 

“Me?” 

“You just look so upset, and I can’t imagine why you would want to do this again with someone so soon.” 

Ben thinks of Addy and the frownie face, nodding at himself that her sensitivity came from Rey.  

“No, no. I want this with you. Whoever is in there. I want this. God, I wanted your kids too. I can’t stop thinking about it. I thought they could have been mine from the second I met them… and that picture at the park with the butterfly? I couldn’t help but hope—we just, we look like a family. And even if they aren’t mine, I want them to be. If I had a ring, I would have proposed that night…” 

Rey leans in over the console to seal his lips with hers. All she can feel is the burning lump in her chest that continues to build in her face, putting awful pressure on her temples, that is, until feels his finger tips brush over her cheek. Tears slip from the corners of her eyes being in an uncharted place with Ben… her man, that promises her everything.  

Sure, she knows what a few of these trimesters will be like, but with him… someone that claims they’ll care for her the way that she’s always dreamed, is surreal. She finds her anchor with him, deepening their kiss when her stomach hits the armrest, keeping her from going any further.  

——— 

The building itself was shared, just like every other office they’ve been to, however, Dr. Ackbar, is on the third floor as the note indicated from urgent care. Ben rolls his eyes remembering to press the thought of getting her a primary care physician. It definitely in no way has anything to do with blondie. 

While the building didn’t scream old, it certainly wasn’t new. It is the first time, however, that he see one that used both sides of an elevator though. They got in on one side, pressed their floor, and both jumped when the back opened up behind them. Well, that’s new—to them. 

The hallway stretches down the building both left and right showing five doors, theirs being the one they need right in front of the elevator. Convenient. Ben, being the man in charge, reaches for the door, expecting it to be heavy and pulls hard so she doesn’t have to. He curses himself internally when the door slams into the wall instead of having to brace it against the wall for her. Of course, everyone pops up to check the commotion. Why wouldn’t they? 

Women all over the office look queerly at him, checking around him for anyone else. When they see Rey come in after they settle back in like the hens they are. Two of the office’s nurses squeal with delight, throwing their hands up over their heads as if they were part of some game show Towards the pair, gushing about how Dr. Radar called to make sure that they had an open slot for a Ms. Kenobi, continuously trying to hush themselves for the light crowd. It takes them a solid five minutes of flattering both her and the man she’s with, before either one of them introduces themselves. 

“I’m Andrea,” the shorter of the two says. He thinks she’s some variation of Hispanic, not wanting to guess because he knows so little about the cultures and doesn’t want to offend her. The woman looks like she’s a little older than him, maybe early forties but again, his mother raised him right and knew not to judge that either. What he could tell though was she is blonde, just like ‘Urgent Care’ Ben can’t shake the clear image of the doctor from before talking to his girl. She’s got warm honey colored contacts in laying over what he assumes are brown eyes, is heavier set, and telling them all about her kids.  

She’s had her fourth and has been back for two weeks already and can’t imagine not working. Andrea tells them about her kids—that they’re all boys.  

“God couldn’t bless me with a girl… at least then it would eventually be two of us fighting the stench back. Febreze does not cut it. Not in my house! Right now, I’m battling permanent stink-ass with Bath and Body Works sprays and lotion. At least my space can smell like delicate flowers and vanilla sugar.” 

The other nurse doubles down in laughter, throwing her hands in the air soon after, saying, “Can I get a Amen to that!” 

Ben can’t help but ask how old her children are, and the woman came up for air, saying, “Honey! You just made my day. My kids are grown, having their own. By God they were the smelliest kids! Always outside. Always dirty. Ran for years with Rey and her friends, actually.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah, I had my own little girl and then I couldn’t conceive again. When she came out, she pulled me inside out,” the woman’s voice dropped and rose all of a sudden like she was preaching to the choir. “We tried adopting Rey here, but she didn’t want to go.” 

Ben’s eyes widened. 

Rey clasped her hands hoping that someone in heaven could hear her pleas. She really didn’t want to talk about why. She thought it was obvious. Care for Us was home to her, and she still wholeheartedly believed Maz was her mother. Why would she leave? 

“Right,” the woman cleared her throat watching Rey while she fidgeted. “So, we adopted Dopheld instead, though, you know our home is always open.” 

Small world.  

Rey thanks her with a small smile looking like she’s desperate to leave that time behind her. 

Ben’s panic strikes miserably too. What if she went with them and they didn’t stay around here? What if she didn’t go into nursing like Amylin said? What if all of this was a cruel dream he would be waking up from? 

“Anyway, I’m glad you’re doing well, dear,” she says with a smile. Her warm brown eyes show warmly against her fair skin. Her hair has since lightened in streaks of grey in what used to be lustrously black curly waves, similar to Ben’s.    
“Come on, we need you to fill out some forms and then we can take you in.” 

____   
Seeing the doctor was less interesting than the rest of the day. As he found out, Dr. Ackbar is an older man who is close to retirement. He even made mention to it, telling her that he would stick around for her, but after he would only be there for the extra assessments in this office. He does hug her, and catch her up with the hospital, even though she hasn’t been there in months. They talk about his daughters, and shares a story about how one in particular got their entire family to do this miserable detox program for a weekend. He complains that it was the worst idea of his life.  

“Contrary to what most think about successful doctors, there are some that only have two bathrooms in their houses. My house? It only has two.” He points two of his fingers up in the air by his chest. “So when my eldest and my wife are having their out of body experiences—cleansing themselves… where do you think that leaves me when I have to go?” 

Rey and Ben both try holding in their laughter, when he informs them that he had to ask the neighbor’s for passage.  

“I will never do it again,” he promises. Dr. Ackbar always felt the most at ease when he had both parents smiling.  

Ben enjoyed the fact that the man had offered him a solid handshake when Ben stood to offer him one when he came into the room.  

“I like this guy,” he beams at Rey as if he was a proud father figure. “When you stand, it shows me respect. You would not believe some of the people that come in here and offer a dead fish of a handshake, sitting in the chair instead of standing up like a man.”  

Ben can feel his ears burned at the complement, and how strange it was to get one from a grown man. It had him wondering how long ago he had lost his parents. Was he really thirty-five and had it already been eight years ago? At least they didn’t know all of the drama that went on, he nodded at himself. Although, it would have been nice to have them here now. He wishes they could see him and all the good that he’s done so far. He wished he had the chance to introduce Rey to them. Rey’s kids, his kid—their kid. 

Wait.    
They’ve been gone do a few hours now. He wonders how the kids are and responsible as it may have been to check in, he figures Finn would tell them if there was a problem. Right?  

Last time he let his mind wander he missed the important information. Here, he realizes he’s missed it again. She’s been weighed, asked to pee again and is now dressed in only her shirt, with her underwear and jeans clutched under her arm. She’s got a pink recycled paper cloth that’s waiting to be unfolded to cover her lap, which he’s not sure he wants to know much about. Ben is in the wrong room if he doesn’t want to know about this part. 

Running is going to hurt her feelings, that much he knows is true, so he presses his palms against his cheeks not sure of whether or not he should ask her if she needs help.  

Andreas knocks on the door as Rey gets the paper situated."

“I’m ready,” she calls letting her voice penetrate the waiting curtain covering the door.  

I’m not, Ben swallows his words.  

Andrea comes in assessing Ben with a small laugh, “Oh, Daddy, you’re going to be just fine! Mama does all the work anyway.”  

When she flicks off the light, Ben is alerted but thankful, giving the blush that he’s feeling creep across his face time to fade.  

“Okay Mami— “Andrea starts asking her usual questions. She wants to know if she’s allergic to latex, the first day of her last period. When Rey confirms that she doesn’t know, explaining each of the birth controls that she was on, Andrea nods assuring her that they would find the gestational age soon. 

Ben listens to the women talk and sees Rey lay down. She does exactly as she’s instructed, putting her feet in the stirrups and scooting all the way down to the edge of the table. 

“Okay, now, butterfly your legs,” she says as she slides what Ben thinks is a condom over the tool Andreas keeps referring to as a wand. The nurse squirts what sounds like a fair amount of lubricant at only the top of the stick and it takes all of Ben’s ability to stay seated. There’s no reason they need to do that he thinks. Ben shakes his head in disbelief trying to hide behind his hair but it’s trained so well to the sides of his face, he finds he has no shelter here. When he looks up again, Rey’s given praise and is asked to help guide the wand down into her.  

He blushes horribly being given quite the show. Does it make him a pervert for watching? No right? This is normal. Perfectly normal. Women do this all the time... Oh, God help him when he sees how Andrea moves it all around to find what she’s looking for.  

“Oh! Poor Daddy,” she says, tapping the remote on the side of her desk illuminating the large screen mounted on the wall next to the table Rey is on. “Here, if you look up here, you can see what we’re doing.  

The screen has a bunch of file information on it. Everything from her name, date of birth, possible date of last period, to an EDD? What is that? His eyes fly around the screen and back to the far left where most of the action is happening. She moves the wand around pressing firmly to the left and apologizing for it. She measures white, grey and black spaces as she goes too. Occasionally, Andrea presses a couple buttons on her keyboard marking everything she’s found, cursing softly to make Rey laugh before she asks for another position. 

Ben has no idea what’s going on at this point. It doesn’t look like anything but then she presses rapidly into her keyboard once more, if he didn’t know any better, he would say that women have a secret language dealing only in squeals and high pitches.  

“Mami—I know it’s early… Oh… I—let me go get him back in here,” Andrea removes the wand, telling her to stay down, and skips out of the room like Addy would after she got a treat no one else did.   
Ben, who is trying his hardest to understand what the hell is going on, sits still in his chair as if the floor could open and swallow him whole. His phone goes off twice, both with Finn asking how everything is going and taking pictures of the kids holding Briana but he can’t exactly respond. He’s too busy being a statue. 

Ben’s able to notice the figures that come back into the room but now it’s spinning. The utter joy is palpable, if it were sugar, he would have certainly been in a coma from it. 

“Well, it’s early still,” he hears the doctor say, “But, given your history, I wouldn’t doubt that it could be possible that this little raisin may be a sibling.” 

Ben felt the cold room box in his ear when he slipped from the chair, not even once assuming that he fainted and hit the floor. No, he was sure someone punched him with a block of ice. 

Being down, he misses part of the conversation she has with the doctor, as he keeps her on the table sending Andrea to help. Ben’s vision is a little hazy but coming back to him when he realizes he’s on the floor. What is it with today? Is it a full moon? Did the stars align? Is there something he should know? Why are we all fainting? 

“Yes, I can check that for you. But, because of your history Rey, you’ll be on moderate bed rest this whole pregnancy. I don’t want you lifting anything more than ten pounds to start. And don’t expect to be working after your first trimester. The risk is too great,” Dr. Ackbar says as he informs her that she’ll need to do blood work down the hall and make her next appointment to come in the following week. “We’ll be seeing you weekly throughout,” he nods at her waiting for the same in response. It’s how he knows she’s listening.  

Ben wonders if he should start doing that too and is dragged back to his current state, holding a small cup in his hand and Andrea telling him that most men respond the same way.  

“You’re not the only one,” she assures him. “Not by a long shot.” 

_____ 

Going home made Ben uneasy but he’d be damned if she was going to drive. He may have spent some time on that sterile floor, but damnit all if he was going to let her do any work at all. They were only thirty minutes out, giving him more than enough time to figure out all the ways he could ask her what she wanted to do in terms of telling everyone, but all he could come up with was, “So? 

Rey is beautiful, glowing even, he thinks as his eyes rove over her while they sit in traffic. She’s flush but comfortable, sitting there in the charcoal colored seat, resting her head on the shoulder of the chair. Once or twice he felt her eyes on him. It amused him to no end that she was so unaffected by being caught too. His girl would hold his gaze and smile as if he’s given her both the sun and moon.  

Silence stretches between them all the way home but neither feel a disconnect.  

“Is it alright that I tell them?” Rey asks sleepily. 

“Isn’t it early? Isn’t that what they said?” 

“Yes... but...” 

“But?” 

“I want them to know. I’m proud of what we have...” her voice sounds soft but still manages to crack.  

He wonders if she’s exhausted or emotional or both. Probably both. It had been a long four, almost five hours. Ben can’t help the smile that spreads across his face when he agrees with her.  

“Me too,” he says reaching for her hand and getting both. He loves it when she does that. Rey holds his hand in one, lacing her fingers with his and once they’re comfortably together, she cups her other hand over the top of the one he gave her. “I’ll let you do the talking though, I wouldn’t know how to start.” 

She refreshes her smile, widening it more this time, saying, “It’s not a rehearsed thing, Ben. Just a happy one. Or two...” 

“What are you going to say?” 

“That you’re my babies’ daddy.” 

“Oh my God don’t say it like that...” Ben can’t hide his embarrassment. He blushes terribly looking to tickle her in retaliation.  

“Oh! No, Mr. Solo, we can’t be having that! If I’m too fragile to play with, tickles are out too.” 

——— 

Back at his parent’s house he’s found all of the kids outside enjoying various ice cream popsicles and things he hasn’t seen since he was a kid. Poe informed them that he got the boys to flag down the ice cream truck that’s been avoiding their street for some idiotic reason, and they all just got something.  

“Which, we didn’t know what you liked, Ben, so Anthony picked out a Spider-Man popsicle, and Rey we found the most Chocolatey thing we could find. They call it a magnum bar. I laughed so hard, that poor kid probably didn’t know why...” Poe continues to bark out a laugh. “You should have seen that kids face.” 

Ben’s face morphed from his entertained smile to dread. Isn’t chocolate bad for babies? Isn’t it like feeding birds rice? Is he going to have to be the bad guy and take her chocolate stash? Is support eating a real thing? He always thought it was a joke fat guys made. 

“Hey, what’s the matter buddy?” Poe asks.  

“Oh, um, nothing. Just given the circumstances, maybe we’ll switch for the day,” he lazily adds the sound of an elongated ‘sss’ behind his sentence. 

Poe lifts an eyebrow at the two being a little stumped about the whole conversation when Rose covers his shoulder awkwardly with her forearm. Poe willingly bent down so she could have more of a perch.   
“So? What do you want to tell me?” She waggles her eyebrows like Poe would making it painfully obvious, but Poe hasn’t the slightest clue what she’s trying to get at.

Being only after six and the heat of the day is still pounding down on them, threatening to make her weak with every passing moment, Ben changes the subject, asking where Briana and the kids are.   
“Oh, they’re by Maz...” she swats her had in a ‘get back to the topic’ wave. “You know what? We should all go so that she can hear how you’re holding up too.” 

Poe looks down at Rose who has been known to work out answers from the quietest tongues and asks her what her deal is. “They just went to get her head checked out— which by the way,” he points at Rey, “no concussion?”   
“No. I mean I don’t remember. Did we find that out?"

Ben frowns, trying hard to think of anything but what he blurted out, but it happened. 

“You’re pregnant!?” Poe shouted loudly. Surely the whole block knew now. 

Rey’s smile improves yet again having the chance to be both pregnant and in love. She confirms without a second thought, and a flurry of movement around her has her going back into the Solo house being that central air would keep her safe and Maz’s home would not.  

The woman had every fan on but not even that was cooling her home enough. She is the type of woman that has the air conditioning units in the window but hates it when they’re on because she can’t hear her shows.   
“You didn’t leave the kids in there this whole time, did you?” Ben asks trying to leave all of the accusatory tones out of his voice 

Rose rolls her eyes and her body follows as she goes.  

“If I can’t stand it, there’s no way I’m hot boxing the kids.” 

Ben chews on his lip ready to backpedal when he hears Finn pull up with his old couch and the few things he left in storage. 

Rian and Michael both work on getting the smaller items out, leaving the couch for Poe and whoever else wound up being around. Ben can hardly believe his eyes. They fixed the couch, that is, from where he could see. It has him itching to go see if they need help, so he asks Rose to take Rey inside, with a “protect her with your life” feel to his voice. 

That’s nice Rey smiles.  

This is nice.  

She wonders for a moment how this even happened. Why he ever let her in. Her. A little orphan girl. How did she ever deserve anyone outside of what she knew? Rey watches as he goes to meet up with Finn, strikingly confident, very different from where they’ve been to now. Even though she’d rather hang in the moment like clothes pinched on a drying line, it’s time to go in, she can feel it.  

Inside, the air conditioning must be working overtime. It feels like the dead of winter and expects to see snow dusted over at least the floor if nothing else was inside. The cold is so apparent that it’s like she just walked into a packed wall of snow. How was she going to deal with this? The house and outside were polar opposites with no comforting middle... just freezing or sweltering. 

The kids are all laying around plugged in iPads, which she wonders who went home for those. Rose, who’s right by her side speaks softly to her about the changes so as not to startle her kids. She’s sure Rey did not need to be clobbered by either of them. She could, however, see Briana, but Rose would be sure to pick her up and hand her the little lady.  

“You said up to ten pounds?” 

“Yeah,” Rey answers, finding her children playing nicely with Poe’s cell? Oh no! Rey swoops in, startling the both of them when she takes the phone from Anthony. “We don’t play with phones— “ 

“And you shouldn’t be bending!” Rose hisses.  

“Mommy?” Hudson calls from the bathroom making Rose dramatically drop her shoulders so far down Rey’s sure she’s heard a crack or two pop in her back. She mouths every complaint her son makes about the toilet not being the same as his from home, and then on to telling her he wiped but it’s all over his elbow and he needs help. Rose’s arms flare around like this can’t be happening to her before she calms down only steps before the doorway to kindly take care of her child.  

In the time that Rose is away, Rey sits on the floor with her kids. Anthony gives her what she calls a grabby hug, finally, they’ve been working on it for years and it seems as though he finally got it. The fact that he did is no surprise really. She had seen the way he is with Ben. She knew the boy had it in him to hug like Addy does. Addy, however, knows something is up. Rey was gone and was with him too long.  

“What is pregnananat mean Mommy?” 

The chatter among everyone else seemed to quiet down and Rey had the floor quite literally. She breathes a steadying breath as both Ben and Finn make their way in with the refinished couch. There doesn’t seem to be a better time than now, minus the fact that neither Gwen nor Maz are there to share the news with, but they will find out soon enough she thinks.  

“It means Mommy has two more babies on the way.” 

Finn drops the couch right before the doorway leaving the weight with Ben. He curses loudly as the now reinforced leg connects with the inside of his big toe. 

“I was texting you all day. Did you want to tell me?” 

Being just four and listening to her brother’s constant adoration of his Daddy, Addy finally processes that maybe Mommy did it wrong, then asks in her most innocent voice which carried through the house even though her mother was right in front of her.  

“Who’s the Daddy?” 

Rey grins when she looks up at Ben who seems to be petrified; worried about the response he’s walking in on. He’s still holding the side of the couch for dear life unable to do much more than breathe since Addy uttered those three little words. 

“I think you know,” Rey says quite comfortably.  

——— 

The rest of the night —no, weekend, flew by for their unit. Rose spent her time jumping for joy and warning Ben to share his time equally. Rey could handle herself, or so she thought. Being pregnant in the summer, Rey heard was awful, but she couldn’t relate. Maybe it was the last trimester? Maybe it’s the one she hasn’t been through yet?  

It doesn’t matter at the moment though. She’s always had her adrenaline to get her through, but this one. Oh, this one has her dropping all throughout the day. It’s not even like she has the luxury of sending the kids to school being that they’re in the middle of summer break... no she has a whole month and a half before they go back and it’s not even full day. Half days, she groans. How is she going to do anything in bed? Or with her feet up? That’s crazy talk. 

She can just imagine it now, trying to rig a hassock to drive her around like a motorized scooter. She knows it won’t stop there. If she did ever get one going, the second the kids got word, it would no longer be hers. Rey can count all of the things they’ve commandeered in this way, her bed included. 

The fact of the matter was that summer was just going to be hard. The sooner she could accept it, the better. 

Ben going back to work on Monday didn’t help either. Why couldn’t he just go back to school like the plan was originally? He said yes to that right? Or was that a yeah maybe? He did say he had to keep his job at one point telling her that they were already doing too much for him and she did accept it then. It still didn’t help her predicament.  

As the weeks passed, it came to Rey’s attention that she was just dropping. Addy and Anthony would run around her which made her need to move or she would tackle people, pinning them underneath her on the floor.    
Ben missed all of this being in the city. Rey would wonder if he missed being home the same way that she missed being out. Out, though, means something else to her being that he couldn’t completely understand. Why anyone would want to be away from home?  

Moderate bed rest had her already going stir crazy. If she wasn’t at work, she’d beg for a ride from anyone during the day so she could be out while the sun was. It wasn’t selfishness, it was more like self-care. Taking care of her mental state, she reminds herself, is normal. Its all normal.  

She would message him pictures of things while she was awake or send him baby memes she made of Briana and the kid’s responses to activities that could have gone better. There were a bunch of ones with colored whipped cream finger painting ideas and anything that they could find on Pinterest for four-year old’s that were just exploding for another activity. Sometimes they would go see Maz, or she would be picked up for an entire day at their house, just to keep her part of the loop. 

Gwen unfortunately, was the last one to get it straight from the source, but she was understanding in the matter since, well, Gwen never seems to sit down, and Rey couldn’t really go out without a chaperone anymore. It didn’t matter how much she water she drank or kept up with sleep to battle her fatigue, Rey found herself dropping more often than not.  

“I can feel it in my shoulders. Once they feel too heavy to hold, I have to find a chair or a bed because I’m going down. I’ve never been so tired in my life, Gwen.” 

Her friend smiled returning her concern with a joke about not having any interest for any of this. Like Rose, she has a style all her own that has to do with talking with her hands. Gwen can throw her back into it and get a laugh out of anyone, but today, she decides on subtle.  

Today is also the day that she gets the results back from her blood work. Rose and Finn are home, but not Ben. Yet. She has time, she thinks. Rose, who is a little irked that it wasn’t just a girl’s trip, gets everyone in the van with the help of Finn and Gwen to go to Petco.  

Van’s.  

Who knew a girl’s best friend could be a van? 

Her kids, Hudson, and Briana are all situated before Rose situated herself between the things got in. She sat in the way back pretending to vomit at each bump to get back in the driver’s seat to be with the girls instead of having to stay there.  

“Do you really think I want to sit back here too, Rose?” Finn asks his wife. 

“I think you really want to sit all the way back here. You’re one row up. I’m drowning in a sea of smashed goldfish crumbs and spilled milk, I’m sure of it.” 

“Oh, you are not. Besides, we all know the formula is up here, and the kids don’t bring milk in the van.” 

“UHHGGG!” Rose dips her head on the back of the bench. 

Their bickering continues as Gwen takes the driver’s seat, asking, “So, what’s so important that we need to go to Petco?” 

______ 

Petco for their kids is like a children’s museum. There are toys, trinkets, thins to touch in every isle. Animals to put their faces by, maybe even get a finger taken off by the bird cages, but boy are they entertained. They’re having just a blast going down ever isle to make sure they pick up and replace every product they can find.  

Gwen stays alongside Rey as she looks at all of the fish. 

“Do you think I’m doing too much for this? I mean I want it to be special, but I can’t in any way bring a puppy into our house. I figured the kids could all pick out a fish that’s theirs and…” 

“Rey, I was there when you explained it in the car. I think it’s a sweet gesture, and if anything, it may be soothing for you to watch since you won’t be doing much else.” 

Rey nods agreeing with her friend. 

“Listen, it will be fine,” Gwen says reaching her arm around Rey’s shoulder. “The guy loves you. It’s clear. He looks at you and the kids like you’re his only treasure…I’m pretty sure the whole world would kill for that.” She looks down momentarily finding a water agitator in the shape of a treasure chest. “What if you put your note in here? You can do it before you place it so that you don’t kill the fish the kids pick.” 

Rey snorts, “I don’t exactly need help killing the fish… I’m pretty sure there will be an accidental cleaning, or one of mine will pick one up and give it a hug…or drop it… I don’t see it lasting but it’s way better than cleaning up after a furry child.” 

Gwen can only bob her head trying stifle a laugh when she hears the kids come up behind her. Why is it they can sense when their mother has fun. Is it a smell she emits that calls them back? 

They ask a thousand questions, all getting the same answer: 

We aren’t here for a dog. 

It takes a little coaxing to get them to agree to it, but each of them finally finds a fish that they like and want specifically to be theirs. Leave it to Hudson to continuously pick fighting fish. Telling him no didn’t seem to work either, instead Finn told him he could only pick fish that were in the blue section. 

Mistake.  

They were all in the blue section. 

Then Finn adds, that they can only be in the lit boxes. The smart ass he is takes a bowl and puts it in on top of one of the open tanks. 

Children’s hands are not steady. 

Not even a little bit. 

The fish dropped right into a packed tank of gold fish. All three adults take the children to see the birds while Rey seeks out the manager explaining the situation and that she needed to now pay for all of the fish casualties. 

_____ 

Ben hadn’t heard from Rey all day. He’s been stir crazy looking at his phone since this morning, refreshing his email, hoping she would be calling him soon. But nothing. Of course, he can’t help himself, and reaches out to Finn, then Rose, but is stopped abruptly to handle another claim. Insurance wasn’t his forte. He didn’t enjoy having to look up claims and explain to every Jill and Sam that called about their benefits and how they were being screwed out of their coverage, that the company was following protocol and covering what was necessary. God, if he had to solve another one before this day was through, he might pick up his monitor and throw it. 

He’s on the phone when a video message comes through to him about the fish tank massacre. 

He chuckles a little reading Finn caption the picture: “How’s your flippin’ day?” 

Ben stares at the phone unsure of what he’s watching when he sees Rey to the right of him pushing a cart with Briana’s car seat and some items in the front basket. 

What the hell?! 

She’s supposed to be at home. 

Ben calls him back immediately, only for the phone to go to voicemail. 

Come on! 

By the time his day is over, he leaves at breakneck speed to get back home and confront her about it. She’s supposed to be sitting down. He knows about her fatigue and is scared of it. All he can do is hope that she’s home already and that nothing happened. In his panic, the time in traffic eats at him horribly. Why can’t she just listen to me? Or the doctor? It wasn’t even like it just came from him. Her high-risk doctor, the one she respects so much, told her not to. Why would she be okay with disobeying his directions? 

It isn’t until he gets home that he sees the commotion over their outing. Ben watches the kids jump up and down around the tank that both Rose and Gwen got to install. Finn on the other hand, had Briana sitting in the kitchen with him, with her bag of water on the table with her. Finn guards her with his arms around her trying desperately hard to take another video to send to Ben, who he’s not completely aware is standing in the living room taking it all in. The kids all squeal as another fish is acclimated enough to be released into the tank.  

One after another fills the space with color. It’s then that he realizes this was a gift to all of them. Something that they could do since Rey couldn’t be the only one feeling trapped by the summer.  

“Hey,” he says, approaching the couch first to find Rey cuddled up with a pillow like she used to.  

“Hi!” She returns his greeting with what he’s realized is her most genuine smile, just for him. He’s only ever seen her lift her eye brows and squint her eyes, wrinkle her nose and smile so brightly for one other person being Briana. He knows she can’t help the way he face reacts to seeing him, but when the added blush he watches spread across her cheeks when their eyes connect, he knows its just for him. 

Ben can’t help the way he feels when she does that. Its like she’s lifting the weight of the day off of his shoulders and breathing new life into him. Speaking of new life… he strides over to her to give her a peck since everyone was still awake and in the room, then rub her stomach as if there was a bump. He finds she leans into him just that much more, even when they’re in the presence of her kids when he does that. 

“I see you had an interesting day,” he mumbles by her ear. 

“We did. Don’t worry. Everyone was safe.” 

“Everyone?” 

“Yes. Gwen came and held my hand,” she tries to tease him. “Why don’t you go see what the kids got.” 

“YEAH!” Anthony shouts as he fights for all of Ben’s attention. 

Briana swivels her head from Finn’s camera and the bag trying to follow the sound. Her little body practically flies to the side making Finn drop his phone. 

Rey, without thinking, goes to the kitchen to help her friend, making sure to bend at the knees and still manages to get yelled at by her overprotective family.  

Rose will not have it. 

“Don’t you even do it. It’s a phone. Not a piece of glass that has to be picked up right away.” 

“Oh, Rose,” Rey sighs, “I’m not even that big yet…” 

“Don’t, ‘Oh, Rose,’ me. You don’t need to be doing this. Why don’t you go tell Ben about the tank? Maybe get him to put the chest in.” 

Ben looks around for the chest that the kids keep chirping about just because Rose said it and it isn’t in the tank yet. 

“What chest?” he asks. 

“It’s on the tank lid. Just be careful and close the top so the bubbles can come out when you place it in and turn it on,” Rose instructed. It was her idea to keep the item open so that he would see it. She has been married the longest, knowing boys just miss things. 

Ben looks for it and finds it a moment later which has Rey look at her and mouth, “Thank you,” across the room. Picking up the small brown chest, he sees painted gold pieces, little jewels, and a note standing on top of the loot, with two words written in bold black marker in the center. 

“They’re mine?” He looks around the room, not completely sure of what the note means. “What’s mine? The fish?” 

Rose drops on the couch laughing about it not being clear enough. “What do you think is yours?” 

“Rose, he doesn’t know,” Rey says softly. 

Ben’s ears ring loudly and then everything falls silent. For a moment he thinks he’s fainting again, but he can see Rey, so he focuses on her. 

“What’s mine, Rey?” he asks just above a whisper. 

“You know about these,” she pats her stomach, “And Briana…” she nods in the direction Finn is in… “And…” 

“And?” he breathes needing her to say it. 

“And Addy and Anthony. They’re yours.” 

Ben drops to his knees, unable to process moving forward. Addy leans onto him, giving an awkward hug, while Anthony sidelines him, unable to control his response. He swallows the hardest he’s ever had to in his entire life as Rey approaches him. A lump in his throat swells as he tries to speak, asking her when she found out. 

“Today,” Rey stands by him, running her fingers through his hair as she explains. “It’s why the trip was so important. We wanted to make sure it was special.” 

“You are special,” he cries pressing a kiss into her palm. “Every single one of you.” 

“Even me?” asks Hudson. 

Rose palms her face. 

“Even you, Hudson,” Ben confirms. 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Meant To Be"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaybohls... *Takes deep centering breath* You amaze me! Thank you so much for this moodboard and every moodboard so far. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate your brilliance. :D <3<3
> 
> ______  
> This chapter is slightly shorter than the rest almost capping out at 8K where a lot of these have been 10-12k. I decided not to since the next scenes would have taken from this one. 
> 
> Also, a section in the beginning is a clarification to when Ben gets tested for multiple things including the parental test for the twins, which he is unaware of due to the stress he's been through that day. <3
> 
> ____
> 
> And finally, thank you so much for reading this-- I am SO blown away at the response its gotten and how many people have said that they can relate. Being a parent can be crazy at times. Just today I forgot my purse when I went for school pickup, my son parroted everything I said, even about not knowing where my purse was, and because of all of the distractions, I even got to back up into a teacher's car. No physical damage... only mental! Haaaa. Seriously though... parenting and staying human is hard. If you've made it through the day, reward yourself. You've earned it!

[](https://ibb.co/KzJmt9g)

Rey’s still combing her fingers through his hair as he steadies himself with the children he prayed for. While he’s never really practiced, his parents made sure he was baptized and even went through with making a poster and dressing the part in a suit for his first communion, but that was it. After that it was like his parents forgot all about it just as he did, until now. The day he met Rey and her kids at the park he wanted this. Before she offered her place to them, he would thumb through the pictures they took together, from the early moments in the NICU all the way up until the video with the moth, wishing they were his. 

He leans in forward holding the kids as he has been when Finn approaches the group with Briana telling him to try now. 

“All your hugs are going to be like mini huddles now,” he laughs.

Ben takes Briana and she scrunches her face accepting the change. It’s not like she knows any different.

Addy is the first to move away from Ben still not sure about this though. He’s still new, like a food she isn’t yet willing to try. Though, she has been warming up to him. If Rey could associate her developments with food, she’d say Ben has the appeal of a tomato. It looks like an apple to Addy, and she’s okay with those, but the moment she sees inside, she’s intimidated with the newness of it all—even though she’s been eating them in Finn’s chunky tomato sauce since she was a toddler. Rey shakes her head at the memory knowing Ben will get there. 

When she goes, she moves right to the tank, pressing her face against the side. Anthony sees her and he pops up too trying to pull Ben to the tank to show him what they found. He’s begged to put the chest in the tank now too, which they all know is going to be more of a hassle now that the fish are already in there. Well, most of them, and Hudson’s tied bag is floating at the top, while Briana’s will need to be repurchased, because she flat out kicked hers. Finn tried to promise the others it was napping and couldn’t make it to the toilet while they were still awake, so he let her touch the bag at the table away from the group instead. Ben is sure he’ll get the unedited version from Finn later as Briana is passed off again, but for now he’s in kid infested waters, trying to keep the fish in the tank alive while he situates this device. 

“The yellow one is Addy’s,” Anthony presses hard on the glass making the water splash out. 

“Easy buddy, you’re going to knock them—make them tired,” Ben tries to correct himself.

It’s too late, Hudson is on to him, running to the kitchen to find Briana’s fish. He swirls it around as he makes it back, shoving the bag up in Ben’s face for his attention. 

“Like this one? It’s asleep. I don’t know if it will ever wake up. It’s Briana’s” he carries on. The poor blue striped fish’s body floats at the top pitifully while Hudson continues. “How do you tell if a fish is a girl or a boy?” 

Ben’s face burns brightly, never thinking how to check the gender of a fish. He considers telling him that he doesn’t know, but he’s known Hudson for a while now, and accepts that he’ll have to be craftier with his answer. 

“You know, maybe ask Mommy and Daddy. It sounds like something they would know since they were, are nurses.”

“But you’re a Daddy. Why don’t you know?”

“I didn’t study fish.”

“What’s study?”

Oh! Good! A new subject! 

“Well,” he starts, when Rose comes back into the room asking which one of them left their Band-aid in their pocket. She found the decrepit thing in the load containing her unmentionables and did not want to go into detail about how disgusting that it’s because Hudson won’t let it go. 

“Can I have a Band-Aid?” Hudson asks. 

Rose lowers to him and asks why. 

“Because I have a cut.”

“Where?”

Hudson looks all over his body. He even pulls off his shoes and socks to hope he has a red enough mark that is pleasing enough to his mother to give him the sticky cloth boo-boo blanket. 

“It doesn’t look like you need it, Hud.”

Just then Ben remembers having one a while ago and not knowing where it went when they came home. Being at the doctor with Rey was pretty much a blur. He remembers feeling faint several times and receiving the cotton tucked underneath the tiny brown strip at the crease of his forearm. What was that from again? Ben searches his thoughts for any indication of what that was for. He remember telling the nurse his parents were deceased and didn’t really know how to answer any of their questions for his background. Next, he found himself in a closet of a room that housed walls of cabinetry. 

Directly in front of him was a woman waiting for him to sit in one of the smallest padded chairs he’s ever seen. He remembers wondering how pregnant women sat in it. If he felt like he wouldn’t fit as he was, how did they expect these women to sit? The woman smiled but never spoke and very thought of her silence was unnerving, but he was too mentally compromised to care. How many times did he faint?

He watched the needle go in and the satisfactory nod the woman made about it. Several times he heard Rey calling to him to breathe and even felt her physically open his fist. 

“You have to breathe,” she repeated. 

When he snaps back to the present, he feels Anthony tugging on his arm to show him his orange and white striped fish, nodding as he realizes it. He apologizes to him and then to Rose figuring he could take her wrath. He has been, hasn’t he?

Its then when he asks Rey if the tests, he took in the office had something to do with them finding out their news. 

It was. 

_______

All throughout the night Ben can’t sleep so he opts to stay in constant watch of his family. 

His family. 

He’s glad their asleep to miss the way his face contorts taking the weight of those two words. He can feel his eyes brimming with unabashed emotion, wondering why he couldn’t have met Rey first. She’s everything. And here. And raised his kids on her own —well she wasn’t alone, but without him. He kicks himself that he participated in the act and gave her nothing more of himself than a few cells and a chance at love. But if it wasn’t him, it would have been someone else, he thinks as he dashes the tears from his eyes, nodding as he does. 

He there’s and they’re his, all of them. Briana too, proving that love is more than blood.

Rey hums as if she’s heard his thoughts, turning towards him in her sleep. She always did reach for him, which makes him smile. Her hair is still pulled up in a messy bun from the day and he wonders if that’s comfortable. Imagining himself with a man bun, which he’s not sure if he’d ever say that out loud. Man bun, he thinks, even his ears cool at the sound of it. No thank you!

But Rey? These days she can sleep on anything, anywhere. Just last week he saw her sleeping on a pile of crayons that were left on the table. Not to mention the day after he stayed the night, she was sleeping on the cabinet’s handles. Maybe it’s more of a skill for her. Not to be bothered by the small stuff. 

It seems right. 

It seems like her

The twins, who he would have to start naming differently than relying on “the twins” now being there’s another pair on the way, are sleeping soundly in their beds. He stairs long and hard making sure neither sit up in their sleep or roll of the bed. It’s as if he’s reverted back to the early days of being home with his newborn. His hands shake at the thought of them in distress, and all of the fear Rey must have gone through when she came home with them… Or… rather, without them. That’s what she said wasn’t it? She went home without them. They were too little to be home with her. The very thought of being without again stung him. None of this would happen to them this time. Ben makes absolutely sure of it. 

Briana is due to be awake in the next half hour or so, so instead of getting the rest he needs, he stays up, studying his family. He wants to know everything. See everything. 

Be what they need…

_____

Work isn’t much easier now.

All he thinks about is how far along Rey is, searching the web about the first trimester and what to expect. He tries doing the math and figures that she’s knee deep into the second month. Where does that put her? Eleven weeks? What does that even mean? Why do they keep count like that? It’s a month. Right? 

Ben groans finding information for the span of three weeks’ time thinking maybe she would be doing at least one of these things. Her fatigue is still terrible. He’s sure that in a sleeping competition with a sloth Rey would win. She doesn’t even try to get up some days. Ben nods to himself thinking about the moderate bedrest and why it was so important that she just listened. It only got worse and she wasn’t even showing yet. 

He wonders why and is brought to a page that explains the changes a woman’s body goes through to handle carrying such a precious gift. He wonders how thin she was before children and scolds himself enough to ask the question over even though no one could hear his own thoughts. How wide were her hips back then? Did she have to go through a huge change even though she didn’t carry all the way through? Did it matter? Would she have to change again? 

Next, he searches that mother’s website that he found early on explaining the pros and cons of a breast pump, wanting to know how mothers got through their pregnancies while caring multiples. He was sure that the searches were being monitored, but these were on his work computer, which meant he could care less. Unfortunately for him, most information that came back showed much of the same. Women that have seen better days verses ones that looked like they were born to carry. Ben can’t help but wonder what Rey looks like pregnant. He smiles about that, answering his own question as he does. Radiant. She’ll always be the most beautiful woman he’s ever met… 

Which reminds him of their date at sunset. Ben scrambles to find a piece of paper and a pen, jotting down all the things she said she loved in a list. Of course, he remembers why she loved them, but wanted to be sure he had it as a physical list to refer back to:

Family  
Love  
Fun  
When the summer sun is pink and huge.  
Dusk.  
White Christmas light, lightning bugs. Stars.  
Wishing on anything.  
Him. 

They aren’t in any specific order, but when he writes the last three letters, he knows he’s going to marry this girl. 

While Rey is front and center in his mind, he knows he needs Rose’s help on this one. He’s got the general idea but needs her input as a woman. Sure, he could ask Finn since Finn seems to just KNOW his wife. What bliss that must be—to just know someone. The more he thinks about it he believes he has that with Rey. He can tell when she’s emotional, or just needs a little extra time. He knows the majority of her quirks and when she cuddles with him time stands still. Ben knows far more than that but, in this moment, he feels he needs guidance, and who better to ask than Rose?

Rose, however, is at work and isn’t answering her phone. He’s left message after message letting her know it isn’t an emergency, but he needs her help. 

The moment she returns his call he bobbles the phone, dropping it on the floor. The kids must have gotten a hold of it because the volume is far higher than he would keep it at, and he’s never been known to set a ring tone for anyone. Rose’s sound is awful, and after a few goat screams, he’s able to silence it, swearing loudly as he does. 

“Kids get your phone?” Rose’s voice sounds crisp and to the point. He must have caught her on break and if he’s learned anything so far, she loves her break.

The woman loved silence. It made sense. “Mouth,” is a raging river of sound from the moment he wakes up to the moment he falls asleep. There isn’t a time where he’s ever quiet. Actually, that’s not true. He has heard stories about him being quiet while he’s sick, but even that is a fifty-fifty shot.

“Alright already,” she says. “Out with it, Solo.”

Oh.

Right. 

“I need your help.” He’s almost sure she started to smile on the other line, especially when she informs him that she got that part already.

“So, what –I mean is. I want to marry Rey. I want to do it right. Make her feel like she’s not alone and never will be. Not like she was,” he babbles.

“Well, she isn’t alone.”

“You know what I mean,” he says leaning his face closer to the speaker. 

Of course, she knows. Women always know. It’s the only piece of advice his father gave him before he died that stuck. 

“My point is, I want to make is special and since you’ve known her this whole time, I figured I’d ask you if you had any extra insight that you know... you could help me with.”

Ben hangs on the line for longer than he assumed he would. He expected Rose to jump up and down like the overactive puppy she usually is. But not today. Today he thinks he’s stunned her. 

Ben one; Rose way too many.

“Let me get this straight. You want me to help you come up with what—a way for the two of you to get married? Ben, you’re her boyfriend. You should be listening to the two of you. You and I aren’t getting hitched…I may have known her for her whole life, but you, you want to spend the rest of yours with her and her kids. Please tell me you thought this through...that there’s a plan.”

He nods dumbly on the line as if she can see him. What was he expecting exactly? Rose is not the softest person in their unit. Addy is. She could teach Rose a thing or two, he thinks. 

Agreeing with her, he spits out his list and as he does, he immediately starts to feel better. Rose becomes helpful and willing to give him her time. She’s only able for short while but he when she has to go his mind is full. 

Rose told him to listen to themselves yet again. Nothing she has to say should alter his feelings for her or how he goes about his plans because they’re perfect, but to keep in mind that Rey is careful. She isn’t one to just jump in unless it’s something she knows. She reminds him about his shirt that was left the one night. Rey put it in her office figuring at some point he would come back for it. At night she’d bring it home and one morning Rose admits to finding her wearing it as if it was always hers. 

“She has a strong connection with you,” he hears her echo in his mind. Just the thought of that makes him bubble with joy. “Rey is deep—as I’m sure you know by now. If you marry her now, its best you give everyone a job, because her family doesn’t stop at our doorstep. Aside from that, our bodies, as women, change. If she gets past her second trimester, it will be a miracle. But, if she does, it’s important to remember that everything swells… including her fingers. And your gift—her wedding band will not be worn the whole time because of it. If she leaves it on, and I know she’ll try because it’ll be a symbol of your undying love for her, it will have to be cut off.”

Ben felt like he was going to throw up until she corrected herself: they’ll have to cut the ring off.

All in all the conversation, he thinks is a success. The sooner the better for all the feminine reasons Rose brought up including self-image that he couldn’t believe Rey would feel being the amazing selfless woman she is. But Rose made it very evident that a woman can make any one believe they’re okay with something even though they aren’t. Rey hasn’t worn a dress, not even a skirt more than four times in her life. Adding in something as potent as weight gain, and any woman would nix the offending garment out of their wardrobe completely.

Even if she wanted time, Ben felt he would be fine with it, so long as they stayed each other’s, everything would be fine.

Next on his list was to get a hold of Gwen. He figured she could get the girls to help him pick out an engagement ring out of the handful he snapped pictures of on his phone. That phone call was the epitome of what he was looking for with Rose, but with Gwen instead. Coming up on four ten, he prayed that Angie and Tanal would there and by some miracle they were! The teens usually would wait for Ben to get home and head over to the Solo house to pick up where they left off, but all last week Rey had been clingy putting a nix to his plans.

Rey’s emotional imbalance was new... he didn’t quite know what to do so he looked it up online. He thanked the Internet gods for being there for him constantly. Without them he would be lost. Absolutely, awfully lost. His go to websites told him to be on the lookout for mood swings and stress dreams. Intrigued, he searched the subject finding out that people can be battling their deepest fears in them but the most common is losing one’s teeth. Ben remembers swiping his tongue against the back of all of his teeth, making sure they were all there too. 

Rey hasn’t yet mentioned that, but she has needed to touch him constantly, which he can’t honestly say bothers him. He loves feeling her contentment by his side, whether the kids are up and needing attention too, or they’re asleep leaving the pair to enjoy themselves freely. 

If he could classify it another way, he’d say she was needy. Thirsty even... but that took him down again, falling faster and harder into the darkness. He knew with Bazine she, well, she would goad him on using one of her many toys to show him it was okay, that she would t break, but with Rey... with Rey he felt like she could hear him. She could hear his every unspoken word, taking delicate care of his emotional status before telling him she needed him.

What a beautiful thing it is to be needed by her. He promises himself that afterwards—after the children came and she was healed up, Ben would take care of her the right way. He wouldn’t cower in his emotions which were steadily evening out. His visits with Amylin had been going well enough that he started going every two weeks just to have something more to talk about. He felt he was needed at home more than he needed her practice, which he immediately apologized for. Amylin, though, she was pleased to hear it. This was the shift and at some point, he would tell her...

Rey’s cuddling started out innocent enough, needing it the way they always had, pulling him close like her pillow, escalating marginally each day. He’d hold her close while she laid her head on his chest just to listen to his heartbeat. It was as if she needed to know this was real—that she wasn’t just making this up to get through to the next day. Every waking moment she seemed to need to find it after. In the morning before she had to be up for the day, anytime they crossed paths in the house she’d find any reason to touch him. As the week passed, she’d get borderline irritating about it and he hated admitting it, but he knew it was there language. She needed him. 

He groans at the thought of turning her down or letting her dry hump him to get her off but—gah! He already knew too much about her uterus, thanks Rose! Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that there are two babies in there. His mind races at the thought of not only poking her womb but agitating them too. He gags at the thought of sawing their bubbles in half. Were they even connected? Do they sit together like grapes? He didn’t know, but if he looked up one more site that promised he couldn’t actually get that deep he was going to scream.

Ben shakes his head. 

What was he doing? 

Oh yeah, Gwen... 

The girls talk over each other on the phone, excited to have a job in all of this. When they simmer down, he hears them talk about each one in in a way that they could see Rey interpreting the promising band and have helped him narrow it down between two very important rings. It’s Tanal that makes the final decision on the delicate rings, giving a very mature answer as to why. 

“The clear-cut diamonds are pretty,” she says, “but Rey is a natural beauty down to her core. She doesn’t have to match everyone else...”

Angie and Gwen agree, and Ben is sold being it was the first one he picked, but he didn’t need the validation in that. Instead, he thanks the girls and gets on with finding the information on the ring he wants to purchase. He can’t help but smile knowing that he’d be giving his girl a ring that matched the name he called her: sweetheart. 

This day could not be going better he thinks—and it’s only five minutes until he can leave so he messages Finn and the guys about setting finishing up the house this weekend. He can’t believe how much has been done. Having the kids help has really been a huge help and made the project one amazing success. He only hoped they wanted it. A few times he thought about how it could be rejected. He tried tapping down the thought that maybe Gwen didn’t have enough hands to handle another lot... and in that case, what does he do? It’s not like he knows for sure. 

It’s a good time to finish though considering the other project they tossed around for their house, what with needing to transition the kids into the den instead of their current rooms. He knew Rey wouldn’t want to move so it wasn’t a question. The necessity of closing off the sliding door remained, and no one could move into the space without fixing that situation. There was just too much at risk. Maybe a few windows could be put there instead, he thinks, and then wonders about a fence. Finn used to go on and on about how they needed one but never got around to it making him wonder just how much space they have.

Right now, though? Right now, it’s quitting time. Time to go buy his girl the ring the kids helped him pick out and make it official. 

———-

He told himself again and again that he didn’t look odd going into the jewelers looking for a specific ring after work. He was sure people, women included, because hello, it’s the twenty-first century, went in in their work clothes looking for an engagement ring and band set for their soulmate. 

This was normal. 

It is normal... 

No matter how much he repeats himself, his palms are still clammy, borderline reaching a full on sweat. He knew he was drenched around his collar but luckily for him the length of his hair helped hide his nerves. Each shop gave him the same experience. His chest would feel tight, the room would spin slightly, and he felt his fists clench around his phone far harder than he meant to while showing the third shopkeeper the item he was after. 

The man wasn’t much help either at the moment, ogling the photo and saying he believed that was a custom ring. 

Custom ring? Ben could have died when he heard that. He wanted to marry her now. For all the things he believed it could mean, besides the poetic justice the girls helped him give the ring, he didn’t want anyone else to have such a it. 

“Let me call my partner,” the heavier set man said. “It’ll just be a moment.”

A moment? He groans internally thinking Rey will be upset he hasn’t come home yet. It’ll be worth it though; he promises the version of her he keeps with him in his thoughts. Just a little longer babe, and then we’ll have forever, he promises her. 

“I knew I’ve seen this before! Good news, pal,” he lifts his phone high off of his ear in excitement. “The ring was made for a younger couple. High school sweethearts,” he says, pulling a ring of keys off of his belt to retrieve it from a safe under his display cases. “He called a little more than a year ago saying she left him and didn’t need it anymore.”

Ben tightens his lips together, not sure of what to say, but the obvious being unfortunate for the pair.

“But not for you,” he laughs heartily. “My partner did try to sell it after the fact, because, you see, he doesn’t get the time back. Building a custom ring is a process and a skill not many have. To go through it and not sell the end product is a real hit, you know. It’s just an all-around loss. But it really is an inspired piece by what the young man called was stricken by...”

“And what was that?” Ben asks curiously.

“Her raw beauty.” Ben watches as he opens a series of boxes. The first is metal, followed by a rose gold foiled box with matching bottom. The shop keeper is careful to remove the lid, and after puts on his white cloth gloves to show the pieces that made for the couple. 

All of the items are done in rose gold. The first thing he sees is a delicate chain necklace, he thinks, with the slack tucked into the upper portion of the box with six round and four marquis small cut diamonds in a floating setting that held a rough uncut diamond that matched the picture on his phone. Next to it is a pair of long dangling earrings that looked like they may have had chips of the uncut stones set into the chain, but he couldn’t be sure. Those would have to be worn on special occasions, or when the kids were grown and not trying to rip them out of her body.

Ben has already experienced Briana’s sessions with pulling his hair. A few times he was sure that he was going bald in a few spots because of her strength. If he wasn’t fast enough or better still, asleep, he would wake up to an unfriendly tug. He can’t imagine what it would feel like for her if one of them pulled one of those out of Rey’s ears. He shudders at the thought.

Special occasions he thinks. 

Ben carefully watches as the man’s white gloves drift over the long-awaited box when the man continues, “Not just claiming how beautiful she is now but how beautiful she’ll always stay. It is sort of tragic how it wound up for them, but this too, is life.”

When the box is finally opened, Ben can’t hide his gasp. It’s the one! The ring itself is a clean loop, not frilly or artistic in any way. Just clean, strong and perfect, exactly like her. The stone reminds him of white sea glass, but he knows different. He’s studied it all day for goodness sake. It’s set high in the similar circular setting that the necklace showed, and there’s a wedding band to match! He didn’t see the wedding band originally. That had a line of six circular cut diamonds set in a ridge deep within the band itself.

“They’re beautiful,” he whispers.

God he could cry!

Was he? 

Maybe? 

He wills himself to stop and save the raw emotion threatening to break him down in front of this man for when he asks her. 

“I’ll take it, them,” he says waving his hand around the box, “The whole lot.”

————-

Rey has Briana’s bouncer on the floor next to the couch as she lays on it, tapping her fingers into the plush seat to rock Ben’s daughter to sleep until he gets home. If he gets home. If he comes home. Where is he? Her mind wonders and her heart aches as she tries to suppress the feelings of being abandoned by him. Maybe it was too much too fast. Maybe she scared him with five kids. 

Five. 

How did that even happen? 

Rey wonders if twins run in his family, and if he had been one. She wonders what his parents were like and if they would have liked her. She kicks herself for being the pregnant girlfriend as if she was one of those teen pregnancies that are glorified on television. She isn’t. She’s a fully functioning, can-make-her-own-decisions-and-maintain-their-results, adult. And no one has the right to make her feel any different.  
So why does she?

Her lips curve down in a frown looking over Briana and then to her stomach that she propped her pillow next to, and then back down to her feet where she stuck her fake fireplace just as she had this whole time, before Ben that is. Rey remembers the bag of chocolate in the refrigerator, gagging at the thought of it. Even her favorite food friends were denying her the love she deserved. 

Wait. 

No.

It’s the other way around. 

Rey’s stress addled mind backtracks, trying to correct her thoughts. Obviously, it wasn’t chocolate that betrayed her... she offers it praises and loving sounds in her mind. No, it isn’t chocolate’s fault. It’s her body’s fault. Her raisins... well, they weren’t really little raisins anymore. They looked more like a couple of chicken nuggets for each child up on the ultrasound projection screen, but she knew that wasn’t the case either. They were probably more like a single nugget each. 

Rey does her math leaving her feeling dumber than before. How was it that twins formed again? Weren’t they just a little smaller for a little longer despite their gestational age? 

Her memories splinter as she hears keys at their door. 

Ben. 

She looks at her phone and sees the time. It’s 9:45pm, what the hell? He missed everything tonight. Dinner, dessert, their bedtime routine—which is borderline insane...where could he have possibly gone tonight that was more important than being home? Clutching her pillow, a little tighter now, Rey balls herself up on the couch, hoping he overlooks her and keeps moving. She’s not sure she can deal with the thought of being tossed out again. Not by him. He was...is? He’s her best friend, why would this be happening?

Doing exactly what she thinks, she makes herself small, and pretends she’s asleep.

Ben walks in, puts his stuff down at the table, all but one really important item, and moves towards the couch. Her telltale iPad fireplace is a dead giveaway, reminding him of all the time they sat next to it before she was his—or before he knew. 

He doesn’t care where they are, or if the stars are aligned just so...it just doesn’t matter. All he can see is her. This, he promises himself, is happening tonight.

“Rey?” He calls her name. 

She hears the way he says it too. It isn’t careful. It has a lean to it as if he was going to roll around in a pit filled with puppies. He’s excited and nervous and she can’t understand why.

For that reason alone, she sits up reassuring him that she’s fine, just listening to her doctor’s orders. Not lifting things or Briana has been a challenge. At least when she was pregnant the first time the obvious thing was to avoid lifting a heavier load, and it didn’t start until she began her second trimester. Why was that again? 

Spotting. 

That’s right. 

She can’t believe she’s forgotten so much from the first time, but that was four years ago already. How was she supposed to remember something that happened that long ago? 

Ben finds his space on the couch without bothering to get changed first. She can smell the sweat of his collar immediately, and then, is that cologne? Or some weird musty fragrance? When she checks over him, she can even feel how his shirt feels damp making her heart race. Rey’s already imagining him in the throes of passion with some faceless woman all because of that stupid rule he suggested in the beginning of all of this. 

They all take what they want and leave, she reminds herself. But Ben... she whines at herself. He was different. He was more!

Hiding her pain with the only way she knew how; Rey asks him what happened. “Why are you so...damp?”

“We’ll I was sweating. It’s muggy and I’m—well, I” he swallows wondering if it’s okay to tell his girl how nervous he is. If that’s an acceptable move for a guy or not. Probably not? So, he opts for telling her he had to run to the store.

“Where are the bags?”

“Well not thank kind of store.”

“What kind then?

He could sense the concern in her voice. She was struggling with something. It was just the edge of her stare that gave it away. Somehow, she got back to that scared woman in Poe’s truck—scared about what? He can’t quite place her reasoning until it hits him. He talked to everyone—everyone today, except for her. He tries to hide the way his eyes widen, but she’s seen it. 

Rey’s seen his fear and it’s already cycling through her.

Ben panics sliding off of the couch and crowding her space with his forearms.

“Ben, I have to pee.”

“No, you just want to leave. Don’t leave.”

“Ben.”

He shakes his head willing her to pee on the couch. He tells her he knows where the paper towels are and how to clean it up properly. 

“No, I’m not letting you go. You said you’d never hurt me.”

“Ben...”

“When you doubt yourself, or us, you hurt me. You’re so important to me, can’t you see that? I’m never going to leave you, Rey.”

Ben fumbles in his pocket to show her why she was alone tonight. 

“Rey Kenobi, you’ve done so much more for me than I could ever explain. You’ve shown me that life could be worth living, but I don’t want just any life. I want mine to be with you, forever and always.” He opens the navy-blue velvet box, revealing the ring he made such a fuss about getting tonight, then asks, “Will you marry me?”

Rey’s eyes, which were trained on his, watching the way they softened when he asked her, flicked down to it for the briefest of seconds and back to his, couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Why couldn’t she just think like a normal functioning human being and accept the fact that he was late and had a good reason to be? What if there was an accident? What if he didn’t message her because I’d phone died? Instead she went right to being left... again...

But then here he is, patiently waiting for an answer. He watches her eyes welling up wondering why her answer wasn’t forming on her lips yet. He did finish asking just a second ago... 

She watches as the color drains out of his face in every second, she fails to answer him. Nodding enough to move her hair and let the tears brining in her eyes fall freely, Rey finally utters the other words he had been dying to hear.

 

“Yes.”

“Yes?” Ben chokes on his response, heaving through a sigh of relief. His left arm encircled around her rubs her back while his chest is still pressed on her knees. He fumbles with the ring in his right constantly promising a of him to her as he slides it into her ring finger.

It just, everything about it feels right. Their family would be a family, and no one could make her feel different. Not anymore. She knows Ben loves her and she loves him and that’s all they needed between them.

Rey cups her hands on either side of his face, leaning towards him as she goes, pressing her lips to his, she can only buckle. She wants to kiss him like they do in the movies, she really does, but all she can do is cry. Her fingers dive into his soft damp hair, and she feels like a fool for it. It’s been a hot summer; her man has been cooped up in dress clothes just to sit at a desk all day. She’s sure the sweat came from the heat of the day. At least her scrubs were thin and didn’t feel like she was wearing a winter coat in the heat. 

Rey leans her cheek onto his promising everything to him. She knows it’ll be something she always fights with, but she tells him, like she always has, that he’s worth it. 

“And so are you,” his words make her sob harder and cling to him as if she could float away. 

“You’re so important to me Rey. I hope you always know,” he tells her, now unable to hide his need to seal his proposal with a kiss. Rey holds him so tightly he’s sure she won’t think to. Instead of pulling her away from him to look deeply within her eyes and kissing her like all of those sappy Hallmark movies do, he gives her time.

Rey lets out a strangled sob admitting she thought he found something better and didn’t want them anymore. His mind races as he rocks back onto his heels with her in his arms, remembering what she said that night:

...they always leave...

Ben stands with her, pulling her clear off the couch. The pillow in her lap falls off to the side and they’re careful not to wake Briana. 

“You’re not alone, Rey. You’ve never been,” he repeats Rose, “And you never will be again. You have us—all of us. You have me... God, Rey you’ve been a blessing to me since the day we met, how could I ever leave you? 

She shakes her head, not having an answer. Her hair is loosely falling in her face from her hair tie. 

“You’ve taught me so much about myself... how to cope with things I couldn’t imagine doing on my own... and you never gave up on me.” Ben leans his own mess of locks onto hers, nuzzling his nose onto the side of hers. “You’re everything.”

Rey inhales in his admission as if it were the cleanest aid she’s ever breathed. She’s sure it’s giving her new life, just as he promised. Gripping his soft locks, she pulls him to her with a soft tug until their lips collide. Battling the way her stomach flips, Rey does her best to only focus on the way his mouth melds to hers. His lips are so soft and attentive, moving in slow motion as if he’s trying to commit this moment to memory and Rey can’t complain. She gives into him, just as she always has when she hears the sound of a child. 

It really is the last thing she wants to hear right now. Which one of them is it? she wonders while she tries to break away slow enough not to startle Ben who hasn’t heard it or plainly doesn’t care. When she looks around though, no one is there. 

Weird. 

Looking back to Ben and his wide puppy dog eyes searching hers for answers as to why she stopped, Rey can only smile and suggest their room instead of being out on the open to continue.

——-

“I can’t even!” Rose sighs at Finn in the den that night. 

Finn just shakes his head, replying to Kaydel who has Poe’s phone. It’s obvious at the amount of emojis the girl uses. 

“You know, you almost got us caught.”

“And would that have been so bad?” Rose responds as she leans against him. Gwen was the one that squealed on her phone through FaceTime, not her.

“Did you like it when the table next to us went on and on about the time they were proposed to during your special moment?”

“No.”

“And how about everyone touching your hand?”

“-No,” she replies with an edge.

“Or how about when people kept talking to us while you were trying to kiss me?”

“Okay! I get your point.”

Finn laughs at her and hands off his phone. Kaydel just won’t quit and as far as he’s concerned emoji isn’t exactly a language —there’s just too much for him to misinterpret, so he gives up. 

“What’s our plan for tomorrow? Like are you going to lurk around until they tell you what happened?”

Rose nods enthusiastically. “I’m going to be a Class A lurker, Predator style until I get the details,” she assures Finn with a smirk.

———

Ben can’t help but stare at the ring she wears as a promise to him to always be his. Yes, okay, he reminds himself, they aren’t married yet, but it’s a start. He’d go take her to the court house right now if she would only say the word. Well, they’d have to get dressed first, but he’s rather enjoying the way their bare skin comforts the other one between the sheets. His rule could slip for at least on important night, right? 

Ben willed himself not to be affected by his fear, but it wasn’t easy. That article he read at work today didn’t help much by way of his nerves, or with any of that, but he kept telling himself that maybe the babies were too small to have been affected by their movements altogether. Maybe this is okay for now. It’s not like she complained either, he smirks at himself.

His hand slips proudly over hers bracing the sides of her ring between he’s thumb and index finger calling her attention back to him.

“Hmm?” It was her turn to return the famous Ben Solo’s wordless question.

“Nothing, just dreaming.”

“About what?”

“Our future.”

“What about it?”

“Oh—I don’t know… Like when you’d want to get married... if you want to wait...I mean you’ve only known me for a handful of months... and it just felt right to make you mine. I just don’t want you to feel like I’m pushing you into something you aren’t ready for.”

Rey looks at the pretty ring he picked out wondering if there was a story behind it like when Finn picked out Rose’s and asks about it.

Ben’s lips turn up into a small smile even though he didn’t get the assurance he wanted.

“I saw it online. That one and fifteen others I had feelings about...thinking about how they reminded me of you and your personality. But I couldn’t get you sixteen rings, that’s absurd... So, I asked for Gwen and the girls help,” he admits feeling the blush creep across his face.

“You asked for help,” she whispers the words he said. Ben only blushes hotter when he feels the side of her smile press onto the side of his chest. 

It meant so much more to her than asking a simple question. Nothing about it was simple. He asked her family. She could cry all over again.

He continues explaining every last detail until he can repeat what Tanal has said. “Rey, you are all of those qualities and so much more. I chose rose gold because you’re so different than anyone I’ve ever met. So warm and welcoming it just felt right—like it was meant to be.”

“We are meant to be,” she says slowly raising beside him. Their l soft white sheet falls behind her as she looks into his eyes, promising him she feels the same.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Healing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually I wouldn’t lead with this but i have a strong understanding of the emotional tolls of abandonment, adoption and foster care successes and woes from my mother and her adopted brother (no relation). Writing parts of this chapter hit home for me. My mom has been struggling with her own concept of family and what it does/ means as a unit since as long as I can remember. It’s caused a lot of arguments based on her need for control and now that I’m older I can comfortably say I understand more than I did back then. 
> 
> My mom was adopted as a baby by long time foster parents (my grandparents) who settled down in their older years to take her and another little boy from an abusive family. I won’t go into details for both of their sakes, but a lot of the fanfics that I’ve read including some I’ve written have a negative view on what foster care can be like. This story has already shown the positive side and will get into how they keep things going based on sponsorships.
> 
> I’m linking an example of a foster care facility that does the same and runs on donations as well in the event that anyone would like to know more. 
> 
> https://www.togetherwerise.org/about-us/
> 
> Again it’s only an example. It’s not the specific group that my mother or uncle had been through. 
> 
> ——
> 
> Kaybohls you are outstanding as always!! 💖💖😍😍🧁🧁 I’m just in awe of your talent!! Thank you so much!!!
> 
> ——
> 
> And finally, thank you all so much for taking the time to read this. I can’t believe this story has reached you in some way. It just makes my day!! I hope I can share the love and return the feeling 💖💖💖

[](https://ibb.co/g92xrYs)

“Rey?” Ben asks still too excited to sleep.

“Hmm?”

“What was it like?”

“What was what like?” 

He pauses looking down at her from where he’s propped up on her pillows. She’s so pretty like this. His lips quirk up in a shy smile when she looks up to check on him while his silence stretches on for far too long. 

“What was what like, Ben?”

He blinks slowly wanting to remember her here. Every day is a blessing with her, but tonight, after their promises... in the odd amount of privacy they’ve been allowed by the other three extensions of their family, it’s these tiny moments he wants to stay the freshest in his mind. 

“When you got the results... what did you think?”

She makes a content hum while he rubs circles into her back, and then what sounds like a steadying breath passes her lips. 

“I didn’t know what to think,” she feels him tense up under him. “Not like that. I mean... when I asked for the test, I kept telling myself you weren’t. That I was delusional. There was no way that it could be true... that you could be family, because... who thinks like that? Who carries around hope like that? I’d be crazy to think some random guy is going to walk into my life and wind up being our missing link. But here you are. And the test confirmed it, I tried to tell myself it was a false positive...not because of who you are, but rather what I could handle. I’ve been one to wish upon a star...”

“But you wish on butterflies...” Ben interrupts.

Rey hums to agree with him. 

“Yes. I started that when the kids were small.”

“And you shared it with me.”

“You looked like you needed one,” she whispers. 

“I did.”

“Do you still?”

“No, I don’t think I do.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I got everything I could have wished for, right here, with you,” he assures her.

“Thanks Ben. We’re lucky, you know. How many kids are born today through donors that actually learn who their father is, or mother for that matter? I couldn’t ever imagine our little unit being so lucky as we are first knowing you, and now knowing they belong to you? Ben. That’s stuff of fairy tales.”  
Ben holds her a little tighter now, promising her that he’s real, all of it is real. “And so long as you want me, I’ll always be here.  
“You’ll always have a home then, Ben, because we’re never letting you go.”

————

Rose grumbles getting up to stomping feet in Hudson’s room. The boy has the heaviest footsteps for a fifty-pound child. It’s almost like he purposely tries to put his feet through the floorboards just to see what’s going to happen. What could it possibly be now? He’s had a good night sleep, the birds haven’t screamed by his window since someone managed to touch the emptied nest in over two weeks’ time, and no one is awake. No one. It’s not like he’s missing a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g at all. Nothing is happening.

Nothing, that is, except for her brain. Maybe he could sense that. 

Once or twice she thought about taking him back to school shopping, just the two of them, but that would mean coming home with him bragging about what he got... and they couldn’t be having that. Then she thought of going herself, but that couldn’t happen either. He knew her every move like one of those creepy sci-fi mutant shows. 

Her mind wanders to mutants and what kind Hudson would be if he were one. Was he one? That boy could pick through the thinnest fibers of the couch and find ground morsels of whatever he stuffed in there the week prior and ask for that specific food as if she could pull it out of her pocket. Sometimes she thought she raised a bloodhound but knew differently. Bloodhounds couldn’t anticipate her reactions. Hudson could before he asked his string of questions, ignoring each one as he went to get him the results he desired. Rose knows this. And maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe it’ll serve him well with his future... but right now? Right now, she closes her eyes a lot tighter and pretends he isn’t there. Maybe the good Lord will take mercy in her soul, and he’ll find his bed instead of their doorknob.

Her prayer was clearly denied being that she left so many last night and probably filled his voicemail, praying that he’d just stay asleep so she could record Ben’s proposal. That was something else. How she just knew he was going to do it last night was just beyond her. It’s not like she thought he would hold out. The man is head over heels about her and it’s all Rose ever wanted. Someone who thought of Rey before himself—never once did she get the vibes that he was using her, and there’s something to be said about that. 

Her thoughts come to a screeching halt when Hudson jiggles the doorknob. 

She imagines her room flashing in red and white strobe lights with someone over a loud speaker repeating: “Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!”

Not even hiding under the covers of her eyelids gave her the sanity she requires at this time of day. It’s five in the freaking morning. 

Don’t look. Don’t look. Don’t look... she repeats under her breath hastily. 

She feels him before she sees him, thanks to her eyelids of course, but opening them would give up the barrier she needed desperately, but the smell of his morning breath is enough to strip paint, popping open the mental locks on her eyelids.

“Good morning, love of my life,” Rose welcomes him onto their bed. “How may I help you today?”

“I had a dream that two bees found another bee and hummed in my ear. But then I said no bread on the pyramids and they got mad and chased me.” 

Rose’s brow furrows trying to process what he just said. “This was a dream?”

“In basketball I told them about colorful numbers.”

“What?”

“Forty-five, forty-five,” he repeats the number wiggling his head from left to right as he does. That app makes Rose hate numbers. Hate them. But then there’s more within that company too, “Endless Numbers, Endless Reading...Endless Migraines...” that’s what the apps should be called. Sure, it helped him with his phonics, but her patience level has since been depleted.

Looking over at the clock doesn’t do her much better... it’s five after five. Why isn’t Finn awake? Why can’t mouth stop?

“What is it? Why are you up?”

“I want a pool party for my birthday!”

Pool? There are no pools here. The closest one that he’s ever experienced was a plastic one meant for puppies and babies at most. Has he even seen a pool?  
“What’s a pool party?” Rose asks wanting to know what he thought it was. 

Hudson sits up as if he’s glad she asked. “Mommy. A pool party is a big fun place where everyone can splash and swim!” He dips his body into the mattress only to pop up again and looks more like the popping die in the game Trouble the more he bounces. 

“Where is there a pool? The river isn’t what you’re thinking of, right?”

“No!” He whines. “A pool! It’s got bright blue water and no bugs!”

“What if there were bugs?”

“It isn’t a pool if there’s bugs, Mommy.”

Rose groans. How was she going to find a pool to let him play in? She looks back at the clock, cursing at it yet again because only three minutes had gone by. 

“I am not negotiating at five o-eight in the morning Hudson. No deals until after coffee,” she moans.

————

Pfff. 

What a bullshit answer. Not only did it get him harping in her more, Rose wound up finding herself at the coffee maker at five fifteen, starring at it like she could make it burst into flames if she looked at it hard enough. 

Pool party... he doesn’t even know how to swim, why would he want a pool party? 

Rey’s iPad blasts the Paw Patrol theme song and as she runs over to hush the thing Addy and Anthony make their way to the kitchen. Doesn’t anyone know how to sleep or stay quiet in this house? 

No

That’s what she thought. 

That’s a big no. 

Then she hears them all howling and remembers the mer-pups. This makes more sense now. Mer-pups, lost treasure, maybe blow up pools were all he really needed for this. Rose sips her coffee carefully at the counter mulling over ideas for the party, hoping to remember all of them and how to English properly while the children howled in the early morning hours. 

It wasn’t long before Rey woke up. She could hear everything and prayed neither of them came in or needed to cuddle because she was not ready for that at all. Ben had been just so warm and inviting that moving seemed like the worst idea ever, she even tried ignoring her bladder for cuddles instead of getting up to pee through the night. It was easy at first but by the third reminder it was time. Getting back to him, besides making the toilet, was the most important thing to her. She smiles about it and wonders if it’ll be like this all the time. If he’ll always want her. Rey shakes her mind free from doubt, he’s here and offering a future—their future, with their kids. Of course, he would. 

Being sure of herself now, even in the hormonal battles she’s facing, is an amazing feeling. He’s given her so much more than a ring or a promise. He’s given her hope. She touches her tummy when she says it thinking that would be a nice girl’s name. Rey wonders what she’s carrying in terms of girls or boys, identical or not, maybe even a repeat of Addy and Anthony... whatever the case, if there was a girl in there her name would be Hope. Smiling at herself once more she promises Ben the ability to name the other. 

Rey thinks about her week count remembering this week she starts her Mekena shots. She rolls her eyes at the thought of another nurse coming in to give her a shot in the butt. Oh, what a terror the kids will be for that, she thinks. The last thing she needs is for them to get their little hands on any of her gear or think that they should be playing with this person at all. Of course she researched this and read up on horror stories of how kids would interfere with the dosage, or some kid managed to shove the nurse from behind and the needle—ugh, Rey wants to hurl—got stuck under the skin. Oh, that shit wasn’t happening, even if it meant that they had to play Simon says the whole time he was there. 

Being eleven weeks made her a little more awake, even when the fatigue hit, she had a little longer to go until she dropped. Rey moves to plant a kiss on Ben’s cheek before finding her clothes and moving out of the room. 

The kids were little balls of energy, still howling and running back and forth to the fish tank, doing what? She doesn’t know. There’s no reason to try getting them to relax either. Loud and even louder are their noise levels at five in the morning. Why try? 

Instead of bringing attention to herself, Rey stalks around the living room to get to the kitchen and behind her friend. Doing so without falling over her swollen feet is a task. Not to mention sneaking up on Rose is like trying to play game of surprise and winning against Rose is absurd. 

But still she tries. 

And wins! 

Rey grabs her friend from behind, squealing as she does

“Rey!!” Rose jumps flinging her hot coffee high into the air. “You gave me a heart attack!!

“There’s no way I scared you like that!”

“I threw my coffee at the ceiling!” Rose whines. 

“Yes,” Rey looks up at it, now sprinkled in a few spots, “it does look like you went for distance this time...”

“Distance goes out, height goes up.”

“Yes, that’s right,” Rey continues to hug her friend like she is one of the kids. 

Rose holds her now empty mug against her coffee-soaked pajamas...wondering where Rey was going with this elongated hug when she hears Rey say she knew. 

“What do you know?”

“I know that you gave your approval.”

Rose beams turning quickly to face her friend. 

“Does this mean I get to give you away when you walk down the aisle?”

Rey’s smile widens confirming that’s she’d love it if Rose did the honors.

Rose squeals, excited for her friend, asking about when it would be and if it would be at his cleaned up new home or out back. Neither were decided on. She just said yes, a few hours ago. 

“When you do know, tell me first.”

________

It’s the last weekend of August, and Ben and the guys are at the house moving the last of the furniture around. Ben decided last minute to make the master a girl’s room, and one of the larger rooms for the boys. The weekend before had been their last time back to the house, which let Ben set the stage for his grand reveal. He had it all planned out, even had gotten companies in the area and outside of the state to agree to work together to make this work for the kids. They deserved more than their share... and he felt the house was a good starting place to help them see that. 

Not even Rey had any idea about it, which was hard, but he knew the look on her face would make up for it when he told her. She would be so proud of him... she was already, he knew this, but this project would be the thing that set him free. 

Finn, Poe and Dopheld have been there for him through and through. The four of them were like brothers now... there was nothing he could say or do to make them consider him as anything less either and the feeling is mutual. He smiles about this. In fact, he’s smiled so much more since the transition started on this house. It stopped being a house of pain and despair and started becoming more...just like Rey used to promise he was. 

As night falls, the guys finish up the last of the decoration, all joking that they would make a killing at construction like in those design shows. Poe brings up that one with the twin brothers, one being the brains and the other being the muscle. 

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty sure I’m the muscle,” laughs Poe as he pulls four Cokes out of the fridge to celebrate the completion of the project. 

“I’d be the brains,” says Finn. 

Dopheld agrees but takes both roles saying, “You can’t stop me. I did most of the lifting. And those cabinets did not just appear magically. I built those suckers.”

“Suckers?” snickers Poe. “What are you, eight?”

“Shut up.”

“It’s okay to use the F,” he pushes his friend, repeating the word as if he was teaching phonics to Kindergarten kids. 

“Oh my God, Poe shut up.”

Ben just laughs at them making no sudden movements to join with the obvious notation of being the biggest one there or the strongest for that matter. It was an obvious dick move to say it, so instead he sends out a text to Rey asking her if she’d be willing to come see the finished product.

It’s late enough to expect the answer to be no but she’s been cooped up for most of her pregnancy. It seems only right to offer. 

The guys call his attention back to them asking if they should call Gwen over tonight or wait for the morning. 

“Waiting for Rey’s response and then we can ask. I’d rather she’s here,” he says sappily. 

Poe does his best not to start teasing the man about how bad he’s got it for Rey. He knows he’ll sound stupid the moment he opens his mouth, so instead he asks about the plans for the wedding.

“It’s really up to her. She said she wants everyone here, and I can only assume she means the babies too.” 

Poe’s smile stretches across his face and stays far longer than Ben would have imagined with the answer he gave but it’s there...and he has nothing more to say. 

“So, ah? Did she say anything about coming?” Dopheld checks his watch. 

Ben looks down and sees she has, “They’re on their way.”

“Everybody?”

“Yeah,” he smiles. “Everybody.”

Finn calls Gwen the second Ben said yes, promising her it was the only important thing she would be doing tonight. 

“Finn, I have all of the babies down, and some of the kids tonight need to have a visit from the tooth fairy, and another one is sick, but I think he’s allergic to something in his room...”

“What if I swap places with you?”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Just have a list ready for when I get there and you can even take my car, okay?”

“I don’t know where it is.”

“That hasn’t stopped you before.”

“Finn.”

“It’s right next to Maz’s.”

Finn hears the sound of her keys as if that was all she needed to hear.

“Oh, alright,” she sounds happy at the end of the line, “Will you at least tell me what this is about?”

“It’s a surprise.”

—————-

When Rey and the kids get to there, they immediately run around, needing to be in and touch everything. It’s nice that they feel that comfortable with him and in a newish space. They’ve been in it before, but that was when they just painted and were playing on the floor in the emptied house.

Now though! 

Now there is plenty to touch, but he isn’t worried about it. Instead he’s the most curious about what Rey thinks of the job they’ve done. When she crosses the threshold, he can’t be prouder of the reaction she’s given. She’s so pretty, especially carrying his children, walking into his house. The emotions coursing through him are tremendous, hoping—no praying—that his decision will make her as happy as the moment he thought of it. It warms his heart past recognition that this girl... abandoned at birth, would have turned into this wonderful woman, and would have guided him home. 

There’s not much else to see but her as she makes her way to him. Vaguely, he can remember moving to reach her too, and when he does, he’s met by the warmest embrace. 

“You did fantastic!” Rey squeezes him around his waist. 

Another pair of shoes hit the hardwood floor that he knows aren’t Rose’s flip flops, so he looks up from Rey to the doorway. 

“I hope you don’t mind,” she says. “But I invited Amylin. I figured she should know how far you’ve come.”

Ben leans in to kiss her temple, “I’ll always respect your opinions, Rey. Thank you.”

Getting Amylin to swing by at this late hour is huge. Ben’s not sure how Rey got her to agree but he’s amused by how Rey smiles up at him.

“I wanted to share your moment with everyone who saw you through this impossible time... because you have us, and nothing is impossible.” 

It just takes time; he whispers to himself. He offers her his hand so they both can welcome Amylin in. 

Amylin looks around with wonder. Not only is he holding up in this space, but Ben truly looks happy, which was a far cry from how he started. She studies the living room, having been the focus of his fear and anger, and found it to be altered into a small library with a wall of books on the far wall, several arm chairs angled in what seemed to be a small semicircle around a reclaimed door that they had to have cut the corners from for it to work in that space. Above it is a window, and, on either side, he hung an assortment of black and white pictures. Some were from copies made from some of Gwen’s favorite albums and others were candid shots he took of the kids and teens that worked with him on this project. The other wall welcomed her in with a large rectangular mirror hanging over a white mantle over a working stone-faced fireplace which he decided not to have battle with the air conditioner. She smiles at this. On the mantle, though, he has pressed hand prints of the younger kids pressed in hardened dough, signed and propped up on little wooden easels. He’s even weaved strands of tiny LED lights around them to grab people’s attention. The floor had a basket sitting on the slate tiles below with kindling and several hunks of wood tossed in it. The other side housed where the poker and other rod iron tools for maintenance were on the other side. 

Ben watches as Amylin moves past it to see if the wall the fire place is on, is only on one side. She looks absolutely pleased that it isn’t and shows on both sides. He wonders if she shares the same opinion of showing off the elements as Poe does. It seems so. 

When the pair reaches Amylin, the woman gushes over his improvements. It’s something to say that she didn’t just mention the house improvements—she meant all of it. But Amylin has no idea what’s coming. His true plans in all of this. 

Gwen arrives not even ten minutes later, giving Ben enough time to sit with Rey and Amylin to talk about their efforts and all of the changes made. She’s not alone. The teams that worked on the project come in smiling as they take everything in, promising that they’ll be visiting all the time.  
If they only knew.

Poe offers everyone a drink to some extent. This is meant to be a kid’s den of all things, so the most he can offer is some water, juice or soda. Gwen doesn’t see much right away, just the commotion of everyone reuniting over the project. Their voices together makes her feel like she’s waiting for them to all graduate as some of them did at the end of this school year. Angie, Rian and Michael were aging out. It was only a matter of time before she lost them to make room for more aging children. 

This summer was truly a trying time for everyone. Gwen told herself that it would be okay, that no one is ever really gone... Rey, Rose, and Finn left the house but were never really gone, just as Dameron, Dopheld and Kaydel did. She thinks on that a moment too long before she’s welcomed in by Rose who is holding Briana. Ben’s little girl that started their connection is now six months old, four months adjusted age, but strong. So strong. She holds her head up and turns herself to stay in the moment. When she hears Gwen’s voice the child smiles revealing the smallest white buds on her lower gum line, and the two of them wish they had a camera for it. 

“Come here, Dolly,” Gwen reaches her arms out for the baby. “Auntie Gwen is so proud of you, little girl.”

Briana’s dressed in a thin pair of purple footie pajamas, decorated with multi directional hearts, making her look like a little stuffed animal. She’s so strong when she wiggles, moving like she wants to just go with the rest of the kids. 

“Slow down little one. Try to enjoy this time—” Gwen laughs as Briana continues to move, stretching her little fingers up to grab at her neck.

“She’s been doing that lately. Likes to grab people’s necks.” Rose shakes her head. “I don’t get it.”

Gwen’s neck is met by a firm press of Briana’s little hand, making her swallow hard, asking her to stop. As if a four-month-old baby, well six, but… the adjusted age makes her motor skills line up to be that of a younger child. She isn’t the first Gwen has dealt with, but she isn’t exactly acting like an incapable child. Briana is strong, and by the obvious looks of it, in discomfort. Teething is a nightmare for most babies, but she seems to just want to be cuddled. Hopefully all her teeth come in like that, Gwen wishes. Snuggling her cheek in to the little girl as she does, she hears her coo as if she’s accepting her comfort. 

Gwen keeps up with her loving words towards Briana, asking Rose how she was doing in the meantime. She learns about Hudson’s party wishes and thinks maybe they could see about the YWCA about twenty minutes down the road. Maybe they had open swim hours or a party sort of thing that they could offer Hudson instead. 

“My only problem is, I don’t want to pay for something he hates. Like… I’m pretty sure he hates getting wet. Showers have been less than fun, and I have started wondering if it’s acceptable to spritz him clean with a spray bottle and some soapy leave-in concoction.”

Gwen doubles over with Briana still in her arms. Not enough to startle the child but enough for Ben to intervene. 

“So,” he takes Briana from her, “How about a tour to show you the house your family worked on?”

“Sounds fantastic! You guys have been leaving me out in terms of details,” she swivels her head looking at each of the teens that came with. Some of them blushed, and hard, especially Jeffery. Gwen could always see right through the boy, and even this project she thought she could get the fine details.  
Not the case. Not the case at all.

It was like they were sworn to secrecy, and it was practically a law at Care for Us not to keep secrets from each other. 

Ben offered that the kids to show her around telling her about every room they worked on, and why they thought it the colors they chose worked together. The living room, they thought would work better as a study of sorts. It became more like a reading room and the fire place was a huge seller for that, of course. 

On the opposite side of the wall they that they changed the paint color from the deep navy blue, to a cream of sorts. There, they lined up Ben’s parent’s dining room table, which opened up the living space that much more. They now had a tremendous amount of room in the event that they needed another table for the kids if they ate over, or just general space, which… who doesn’t love that? 

What used to be the dining room, was now the living room. Two large couches, including the one that Finn had the kids fix up were now there sitting on top of a large, ornamental, neutrally colored rug that helped connect the mismatched colors. His old brown couch and the one they found at the local Home Goods store both looked inviting in the space, even though they were clearly two different colors. Angie and Tanal both found throw pillows that matched the fabrics perfectly. Rian prided himself on finding reclaimed wood that he made two end tables with. Finn helped, though he claims Rian did the majority of it. Being so busy showing the space off to Gwen, not even the boys are the ones that see the flat screen on the wall, which Ben tried to make special for them. The unit underneath housed a box and a PlayStation four with enough controllers for the majority of them to play when it was too late to be outside, or raining. 

Ben figured they would find it when the commotion calmed down. 

Next, they moved on past the half bath where even Hudson and the twins helped sponge paint the golden yellow over the initial primer. A silver vase sat on top of the white and grey marbled vanity, with a single sunflower with a hand full of white petaled daisies. It had become one of his many messages to Rey, whether she got it or not. To Ben it reminded him of the sun peeking out of the clouds… or completely unphased by them – like Rey is. 

Finally, they make it into the kitchen showing new cabinets, which mainly landed on the men. Updating it meant a lot of swearing and issues with accidental sledge hammer welts on drywall that had to be cleaned up. Ugh, it was a project but not one that he stayed on for the showing. The fact of it is that the updating was done to make sure that everything opened and closed properly. There was a time, he could remember, being at odds with one of the drawers and ripping it off of the roller bars, bending the metal in the process after an argument with his father. They had a good enough relationship as it were, but it had something to do with dropping out of school and he just had it for the day. 

And so, did the drawer. 

That thing never lined up properly again, and it didn’t matter how much he tried to fix it, it just never did. 

Ben recollects their attention, making sure everyone is done talking before he starts. Its something he learned to do when the kids were too excited for directions. Who knew having a family would fix communication problems across the board? He always felt like crap when he spoke, and no one was listening. Maybe it would have fixed so many of the missed conversations him and his parents had. Maybe he would have felt more like a person if he had more of their attention. The fact of the matter was he couldn’t go back. Not now, not ever, but at least he was growing. At least he knew now what he had to do. 

When the group of them quieted down enough to hear just the sounds of his children looking for Rey, he started to speak again. 

“I wanted to tell you about this project. It means the world to me that you all,” he nods to the teens, and to the guys, “took a part in it with me. It was a journey of sorts, and while I don’t really want to get into the specifics, I do want to tell you that this is for you.” He feels a little strange as the group of them look confused. Ben continues telling them about his plan. About what it morphed into. “It wasn’t just about healing me past my past. It grew. The more that you were here for me, the more I wanted to be there for you… So, I looked up how foster care works...” 

Ben continues to speak watching each of their faces turn from surprise to excitement to full on emotion that he can’t tell whether its sadness or extreme happiness. Angie is the first to cover her mouth and blink back tears. 

“You what?” she asks.

“This is for all of you. You don’t have to leave. You don’t have to be adopted out and outgrown. You don’t have to deal with rejection. You can go to college and have a place to stay in. You don’t have to be alone, because this is a permanent place that you can call home. We can all be a family. A real family. You may have been through awful pasts, not known your biological parents, been stolen and never reunited… but your past isn’t what you are. Not to me.” 

Angie rushes the group, meeting him for a hug he didn’t see coming. He looked up to Rey who had been sobbing at every word. Her tear stained cheeks seemed to sparkle as if the flow never stopped coming. The hand that covered her lips wore the promise he held. This is real…

Rey feels like the luckiest woman in the world. Her family wouldn’t have to move on. They could when they were ready to start their own lives, but no one would be kicked out based on age or the need for space. She wanted the details. She wanted to know why he never said anything. Why all of this had to be such a surprise. But then again, the surprise wasn’t for her. It was for them. And if she knew… well, the kids would too, and then there goes the surprise!

“I’m so proud of you,” Rey whispers to Ben as he hugs the rest of the group.  
He tries talking over them telling them to check out the rest of the house, being the upstairs. As they move from him up the stairs to the right of them, he calls up telling them that the girls’ room is bigger than the boys. 

Gwen, who isn’t known for crying, is sobbing. Her mascara drains from her face as if it was meant to paint her cheeks in ribbons of black and grey. She shakes her head unable to formulate any sort of response.  
Amylin, who has been known to get emotional is bubbling up in laughter, congratulating him in his turn around. 

“I think you’re going to be okay, Ben!” she cheers for her patient, hugging him just enough to not be weird. Tonight, they weren’t anything more than humans being humans. Ben smiles at her, thanking her for her time and pressing him to find an outlet. When they’re done, she excuses herself to go up and take a look at the kid’s rooms. She says kids but knows otherwise. To them, they’re kids. 

Rey watches on as Ben and Gwen try to find the right words for each other, so she starts by asking what they were going to do about the finances. 

“The house is being taken care of by one of the sponsors. They claimed that it helps them with their taxes, saying that this charitable act feels better than writing a check to an organization and not knowing where the money is actually going.”  
“Who is it if you don’t mind me asking?”

“CDS: Chewie’s Delivery Service. They Rival UPS in the southern states. They’re trying to become more of a global company but right now they’re doing their best here.” 

Gwen nods accepting this information. 

Rose can’t contain herself, patting Ben on the shoulder and asking Poe and Dopheld if they would show her the upstairs and what they did specifically. 

“You know, to start, until they’re a little older, they’ll need supervision. They can’t just stay here,” Gwen says. 

“Yes, I figured that too. I know the boys are still young yet and so is Tanal.”

“The only one of age is Angie. Rian and Michael are right behind her, but still have four months between the two of them.”

“And that would be a lot for one person. Running the house, I mean. It would be ideal to keep an adult here,” Ben says as he holds Rey close to him. He knows that she doesn’t want to move or split their family up in anyway to handle this project, saying, “What if we round robin it?”

Gwen looks at him queerly. 

“Certain nights would be for certain people. That would mean that it would still belong to Care for Us, but it would be more like there was a constant flow of people coming in and out of here. I could do it a night or two until Rey is too close to her due date, I can take the kids and let them play, have a sleep over, whatever… And then maybe Dopheld can handle a couple, or Kaydel, or someone can switch with you to give yourself a break from the original building. We’ll figure it out. There are more than enough beds and space up there—and even if you don’t want to be up there specifically, the tan couch pulls out as bed. It’s do able. You guys have been flexible with everything this whole time. Why not this too?”

Gwen nods again, thanking Ben for this. For all of it. 

Everyone that was upstairs has since sneaked down to watch the exchange, all still giddy about the changes made for them. Who would have thought starting this project would land them all here? Hushing each other as they do, they watch Ben pull a key ring out of his back pocket.

It’s Angie who loses he composure first when Gwen captures the silver-plated pieces of freedom in her hand. It isn’t freedom per se… not from the family like children today seem to crave the most. Instead, its freedom from the system. The uncertainty filling their common needs to feel loved. The constant fear of being abandoned again… its why she never wanted to leave Gwen…Ben’s taken it away. Its why the four of them, well, now with Tanal, five of them stuck together for so long. There was no real reason to leave… and now with what Ben offered… they would never have to leave again. They have a family. A real family. 

“Does this make us Solo’s,” Rian asks the group of them hiding behind the railing. 

“Maybe not right away, but do you think he’d let us change our names?” Jeffery asks.

“Why don’t you go ask him?” Rose suggests. 

“Does this mean I have a Grandma and Grandpa?” Hudson breaks up the moment. 

Ben hesitates but Rey steps in, telling him he does. “All of the children do now.” 

Angie breaks her silent cry sobbing at the railing. She was left. Just like Rey. Having her brothers and sisters at Care for Us was one thing, but now having parents and grandparents broke her. 

Rey patted Ben telling him to go to her. “She’s no different than Briana or Addy now. You clearly have a bond with them. Why don’t you go sit with them and listen?”

While the boys were still celebrating with each other excited to go back up stairs they stayed, telling Ben more about themselves. Rian was from a loving family. They did everything together, and one day, it all changed. They went from living in a house, to living in the car, to living in abandoned buildings and one day he was separated from them. He shakes his head saying that he never saw them again. Michael shared his experience being that he only remembered being in the woods with his sister. 

“I never met my parents. My sister did her best, but she died, and I was found wandering the streets.”

Ben’s skin bristles hearing this.

Jeffery adds his small story, that he’s been with them since birth. His mother was a teen mom and decided she couldn’t deal with the burden of her actions. 

Tanal’s was worse. Her parents decided there was something wrong with her because of her loss of pigment and didn’t want her. 

All the while Angie did her best to not share what happened to her even though it was obvious. She had been in and out of enough homes to know when love meant something. Most homes weren’t looking for kids, they were looking for tax write-offs. They didn’t want to deal with a child’s needs… like most of Rose’s outings. Rose taught her how to see her surroundings and get out of the worst of them. She was twelve when she gave up going out and trying to accept a new family’s love, and it just isn’t something she wants to remember. She just wanted to be a part of something bigger…and now that it’s presented itself to her, all she can do is break down. 

Jeffery stays and offers his hand asking her to share though. She needed to get it out, and when she does, he holds her hand tighter. 

Ben knew that this was hard for each of them, but just like him, they spoke about it and got through it. Angie is no different. As she speaks, she feels her tears lessen. She feels more like a person, a loved individual, someone that mattered past Care for Us. Someone who now has a family. 

“You couldn’t possibly know what you’re doing for us—the next generation won’t know how painful it is to be bounced around. Can you imagine what it would do for an orphan?”

Ben stays silent waiting for her to continue. 

When she does, she makes sure to touch on everything she’s ever felt in her journey. “This last year is the most put together I have ever felt, and then you do this. Promising a life to us that goes beyond age. There’s, there’s just so much you’re offering that I don’t know how to interpret without a grain of salt.”  
“You don’t have to be as ready to jump in as everyone else, Angie. You have your own things you need to work through. I’m still working through mine. Regardless of the time that takes you, you’ll always have a place here—you’ll always have a family to love you, and no one here will ever reject you or anyone else, whether you stay here or decide against it.”

Ben feels Rey’s fingers card through his hair and whispers as she does, “What a fatherly thing to say.”

There is a heaviness to what Rey implied. He’s had six months of time of being Briana’s father, which in it of itself isn’t quite like being a father for a child who can think and back talk him the way that Hudson could. No, he never really thought of Hudson as his own kid since he has parents, but Hudson was teaching him how to respond to children both his age and younger. Addy and Anthony, being exclusively his, have their quirks too and even though he doesn’t know them as well as everyone else seems to, he’s getting there and he’s good with that. 

Being a father to a wide range of kids now would be something else. He didn’t exactly see it as that, but more like an extension of what Gwen was already doing. Some of the kids were willing to call him Dad, but it wasn’t like he was forcing that. He made mention to them that they call him whatever they wanted. Ben was fine, but as it stood Rey and the others were as much in responsible care for the kids as Gwen was, which was less of a shock and more of an interesting thing to put on paper. 

What did it mean exactly? How could he be their father? He wrinkles his nose at the question. He reverts to being just called Ben, as if it was a sibling run house. He didn’t have to have them call him Dad. And sure, enough didn’t need people thinking that there were multiple relationships going on between the “parents” outside of the home. No. That was not going to work for him. Ben would be it. But he would be there for them and that was all he cared about.

The kids could have what they needed. They could have an education like Rey, Finn and Rose strived for outside of Care for Us. They could have the chance at furthering themselves. The chance of new horizons. They didn’t have to worry about struggling to stay afloat anymore. They have a chance now. Ben believed wholeheartedly that the change was necessary, and he would go to any lengths to make sure it happened for them, that it wouldn’t fizzle out like it had so many times in the past. 

Speaking of family and being a father, he doesn’t particularly like the way that Rey’s looking down at him. Excusing himself off of the stairs from the kids, he takes Rey’s hand and guides her first to the couch in the new living room. 

“You look pale, sweetheart. Can you rest here?” Ben pulls up a table asking her to put her feet up on it. 

“Thank you, Ben,” Rey yawns. 

He thinks it may have been from all of the emotions that ravaged their way through the house as he’s noticing Angie get up and make her way over to sit by Rey. The girls share a moment together, and Ben wonders how long Angie had been with Rey all those years ago. How long did they look out for each other? They seem so alike, yet not fragile in the least. Angie always did her best to make sure people were taken care of despite the garbage she’s gone through, he was told. He watches as she rests her head on Rey’s shoulder thanking her for this. 

“This was a surprise to me too Angie,” Rey says. 

“It was?”

Rey nods, “Though, I can’t say that I’m too surprised, what with the way that you guys have been bonding over the summer. He’s become more of himself over the past few months, and I am so glad for it.”

“It doesn’t bother you now that we’re all –”

“Not at all! We’re family no matter what the label. All of us. This though? Ben must have wanted you all to have it if he went through his own pain to give it to you. He must see what the rest of us see.”

“And what’s that?”

“That you’re worth it.”

__________

 

Its been a few months since the big reveal. The teens are doing well, visiting their awesome sanctuary practically daily, except for Angie. She remains with Gwen, only headed to stay over night on the nights that Gwen does. She’s been more interested in the line of work that Gwen’s been at over the last two decades, making sure new arrivals were situated, the younger kids got the love and attention they needed, and they eventually even went on breaks together. 

“If I didn’t know any better, I would say you were gunning for my position,” Gwen jokes with Angie. 

“And if I am, am I doing a good job of it?”

“The finest!”

Angie’s fights the blooming smile that spreads across her face. She and Gwen always seemed to just click. 

Then she adds, “I hear they will be playing tonight. Do you want to go?”

“Oh! Well, I don’t know.”

Gwen drops her arms by her sides telling her that she may be an adult but still needs to go play. Just like when it was Hudson’s birthday and they needed extra bodies to make sure the kids were alright at the YWCA… “You need to have fun too. It’s a tradition and you aren’t mucking it up just because you feel like you have an obligation to these kids. You don’t, we all work as one.”

Gwen was right. Angie remembered being in the pool and helping the younger kids jump in, and then watching her friends, Jeffery included do flips off of the diving board. The fact that she wasn’t ate at her a little until Rose came over with Finn and shooed her away from the shallow end. She found herself swimming down to the other side, being encouraged by her friends to try the first spring board. Angie, who never really tried the spring board found it scary to be flung from it and falling into the water was just about as inviting as speaking up in front of her classmates in school. No thank you! That embarrassment could suck the life from her. But Jeffery wouldn’t let it happen, he was so nice to her, first making an ass of himself on the board, then getting yelled at by the life guard for being reckless, and then, finally he made sure that she got out and tried again. 

Angie swallowed her pride, even while everyone looked on and let Jeffery teach her how to use the spring board properly. She would bounce three or four times getting the height that even Rian could get before pencil diving into the water. It was enough for her to know how to bounce properly on the board. She didn’t have to learn everything that they did but bouncing was a start. 

If only Hudson felt the same way she laughs to herself. Hudson didn’t want anything to do with going past his ankles in the water which was hard to deal with. Rose spent a lot of her time trying to chase him so that the guard wouldn’t kick them out for him circling the edge of the pool or going where he shouldn’t. The boy must have done it all hour long and every so often Angie would pick up on a long list of swears she would say just above the lapping waves along the perimeter.

“Alright,” Angie agreed. 

“Good. Now that you’ll go, I need you to take this with you.”

“What is it?” she inspects the box. 

“A new ball.”

“What’s wrong with the old one?”

“There’s a hole in it.”

“I can patch it up.”

“While that may be true, Michael put his foot through it and wore it like a boot. I’m pretty sure that one is done with.” Gwen laughs. “He was pretty proud of himself. I’m surprised you didn’t see it.”

Angie can only lift her eyebrows. She knows why she didn’t. She’s been avoiding her feelings. Every time she goes back to the Solo house, she feels a little hurt. She wonders why this gesture couldn’t have come sooner, like when she still held on to hope for a better life. Angie was struggling like many do, but unlike her, everyone had the chance to lighten their load and let go… but she wasn’t completely ready… and now fears that she might never be. 

____

Rey is doing well, and the shots are fine. She thinks that they’re doing their job being that she’s gotten all the way up to her twenty first week which puts her a little more than five months in. And even still three weeks before she popped the last time. Their last ultrasound she found out that she would be having another set of fraternal twins being a boy and a girl, which she absolutely squealed about. 

Andrea is easily excitable, but this time had to scold, telling Rey that if she does it again, she could rupture herself. 

“Nice and easy, Mami! You can squeal all you like when you’re done carrying them. Right now, is not the time.”

The babies themselves were doing well and within an hour’s time which is unbelievable for twins, she was able to locate everybody part, measure them, and give her a weight at just about twelve ounces each. 

Ben registers that to be just a little less than an individual bottle of orange juice. Why doesn’t that seem right? Why does it seem like she’s bigger than that, just to be carrying roughly two little bottles of juice?

Not that Rey is big per se, really, she’s pretty petite being that her wrists are still small, and her ankles haven’t engorged themselves either. But she has a tummy now and her hips look little more pushed out than normal, and she waddles. Ben closes his fists imagining them as bottles of juice and puts them against his stomach thinking there was no way that the added girth from that would make a difference in the way he walked. This has him curious. 

As if he didn’t learn before. 

Curiosity kills EVERYTHING!

The last time he was curious he heard the phrase, mucus plug. It was when Briana was still small, and Rey brought them to her pediatrician the first time. He was talking to the doctor and Briana was still on the table. Rey scooped her up when she started to gag riddling off commands while she held his baby in her hand like a football. She was choking on what the other nurse called a mucus plug. 

Don’t look that up, he reminds himself. 

He did as if he really needed to know what it looked like. It couldn’t have just been called a booger. He knew what a booger looked like. 

But no. 

Mucus plug. 

Barf. 

Where was he again? Oh right, Rey’s changes. She really reminded him of a Weeble with toothpicks for arms and legs. It was kind of funny to see. If she wore a dress she looked like a bell, but otherwise she had these uncomfortable stretchy pants she wears everywhere. He wonders what that would look like on him too and looks down at the waistband of his jeans mentally measuring a good eight inches from there to just under his pecks. He laughs at himself for finally making the connection that Kylo Ren wore black pregnancy pants. How was it not obvious before? His shoulders lift and fall as he tries to his laughter.

Finn is the first to get his meme, and right off the bat they’re going back and forth proving the point. The guy looked like he was caught cross dressing. Women do not like it when they see their guy trying on their clothes. Ben has learned this from the tickle fight he caused when he tried on Rey’s green slipper socks. They did not fit! But he was going to prove them wrong—by buying her a new pair. 

Finn retaliates with a slew of Kylo Ren staring through them with text saying, “I don’t always wear pregnancy pants, but when I do...” memes. There’s enough of them to go on for days. 

What a gold mine!

“Aye—Daddy! Are you still with us?” Andrea asks. 

“Kind of—" he’s still giggling about his connections. “Can you repeat the question?”

It turns out that Andrea was giving the confirmation that one is a boy and the other is a girl before she leaves to get the doctor. 

“Oh good, Addy and Anthony got exactly what they asked for,” he grins.

————

At home Addy is playing with her dollies right next to Briana’s seat, letting her grab it and then pulling it away until Briana screams. 

Addy backs up.

As if she’s touched fire and screams along with the baby, crying as she goes.

But oh, how Briana screams! And what the hell is it about? The doll?

No.

Potty?

No!

Not hungry or remotely tired so what is it?

Teeth. 

The damned top teeth are coming in and everyone is going to pay for that pain. It’s a good thing Ben’s there to hold her throughout the night because not even Rey has it in her to help out. Addy has been back to her usual shenanigans with needing someone to hug her throughout the night to the point where Rey’s almost positive that her night terrors are back in full effect. She’s not exactly sure what starts them, or welcomed them back, but they’re here and there are plenty. 

In the time that Rey has left their bed to try fixing this problem with Addy, Ben stays up holding Briana and watching the monitor. So much has been on his mind since donating the house to Care for Us and changing their lives forever. He wonders if little Addy is worried about what it will do to her relationship with her mother. She is quite a bit deeper than Anthony emotionally. 

Anthony has made significant improvements in his behaviors though, knowing who his father is and the role Ben has lived up to be. It doesn’t remotely bother him that he’ll be seeing his friends at Care for Us more than they had been. He might not completely know why they’re around more, but it means more fun and fun with Dad is the best fun, so he lives in the bubble of “lets have fun all the time,” no matter where he is. 

Despite Addy’s hiccup in her night time behavior, everything had been going smoothly. The two had finally gotten out of diapers, just a month after starting Pre-K4. There hasn’t been any issues at school that they’ve noticed, even the girls were nice to Addy, so what gives? Could it really be jealousy that had her little girl wrapped up in her own nightmares? Its not until she starts trying to explain what she’s seeing that Rey starts to get a picture of what she’s afraid of. 

Addy tells her a nurse takes her and she’s gone. “Mommy not come back. No more home for Mommy!” she squeals and kicks her feet wildly. 

Rey dodges just in time but looks up at the camera in the kid’s room, as if she knew that Ben was listening in. Her eyes don’t hide the fear in them. 

“What do you mean, Addy? What do you mean Mommy doesn’t come home?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven’t written another chapter yet. It is in the works but my loudest (I mean, the one who goes to school😂) has been home for Spring Break and I kid you not I couldn’t read basic sentences by the way he motors his mouth. 
> 
> I’ll be back to it on Monday! There’s still so much to write 😍😍


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KAYBOLS EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!! What a wonderful mood board! It makes me so silly happy. <3 <3 Thank you so much!!
> 
> ******
> 
> Spring break for my son's school was last week, and like Hudson, my son can TALK. I have the hardest time focusing when he does so it was all about art then. I have already started on chapter 16 as of today too :D. I'm hoping to get that one out by the weekend. HOPING. Both of my kids got some crazy cold, and it has been a tough week an a half with that. I'm happy to note my son is doing better, but baby --oy... its going to be a long one, I can already tell. 
> 
> ******
> 
> And as always, thank you so much for stopping in and reading this. I hope you're enjoying it as much as I am writing it! Happy Parenting to all of you parents. <3

[](https://ibb.co/KNqz5xW)

Once Rey’s successfully gotten Addy down, she scoots out and is surprised by Ben in the hallway. 

“Shh, shh,” he whispers, catching her concern before she speaks.

Rey shakes her head wondering what that was all about but follows his lead, hugging him back when he offers to go out to the den.   
Rey agrees and heads out first with him close by carrying Briana in her chair.

They’ve gotten much better with their rotations between being home and being with the kids at the Solo house too. On these nights that they’re home, the four of them hang out in the den to catch up. Over the last couple weeks, they were discussing how to go about getting a contractor to make the adjustments in the wall, but tonight needed to be focused around Rey and Addy’s comment. 

Rey can’t help but smile when Ben babbles a few of Briana’s noises back to her as they make their way to the couch. Who wouldn’t? The very thought of a big, handsome man taking on such a loving role makes her swoon.

It doesn’t take Ben long to set Briana down and unclip the monitor from his jean pocket. He hands it to Rey and supports her as she slowly bends to sit. She can’t help but feel comfortable here. Everything about this pregnancy has been reassuring and to do this with him makes her confident that they can handle anything. That is... until he brings it up. 

“Rey,” Rose holds her hand out in front of her to stop any additional comments from slipping out of her. “Kids say weird shit. They just do. They say what they want like little narcissists and don’t give a damn about it until they’re slightly older.” Rose rolls her eyes, adding, “Then they pick at you like you’re a scab they need to remove until they get what they want.”

“Rose...” Finn points to her drink on the table. “Maybe you should finish that. You’re coming off a little strong.”

“Oh stop! You know it’s the truth,” she whines, nudging into his arm with her own. “What did he say to you yesterday over a booger?”

Finn grunts and confirms he went on and on about how well Hudson picked his nose and then about how it didn’t roll up, or break. It was almost as if he wanted a trophy for picking his nose.”

“And what happened when you wiped it off the table?”

“I could have sworn he was going to rip me apart over it.”

“What about the one time when he was two and we were at the grocery store?” Rose bubbles up with laughter.

“I swear this kids’ sole purpose in life is to embarrass me in public places,” Finn says squeezing his eyes shut.

“He thought Finn took his booger and wiped it in his leg, and he screamed about that specifically so the whole store could hear him. Kind of like “stranger danger.”

He looks back at Rose, “It was awful. There were so many people I tried settling, including him— but he only got louder.”

“So, this thing with Addy?” Ben interrupts, “Has she been like this for a long time?”

“Addy is deep,” says Finn. “Really deep. Like Rey spawned her subconscious for one child and her personalities in another.”

“Heyyy...”

“It’s true. She has a photographic memory and if she hears something that triggers it, you’re going to hear about it eventually.” Finn throws back his thumb to point towards Hudson’s room and says, “He’ll go on for days, but Addy bottles it up until she blows up...”

Rey sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose trying to control her frustration with this. It’s not like she didn’t know. She memorized all of the feelings in every show she ever watched and would panic before the bad guys showed up or would hide under blankets until parts she didn’t like we’re over. Her most recent idea has been less entertaining and just terrible if they were out anywhere. Addy decided to yell “Help!” every time she didn’t like something. Which quickly transitioned over to anything—it didn’t have to be a bad guy. Now it could be the fact that they passed the powder donuts at the store or didn’t get the toy she saw in the van‘s floor when Ben would buckle her in. That was an anxiety attack waiting to happen, Rey remembered. If she wasn’t there, which she hasn’t been lately, how would he prove he wasn’t stealing kids? They aren’t married yet...God! What if he got arrested for her little loaded attention seeking yelps? Rey groans at the thought

“It’s not all bad though. She remembers things that are helpful,” Ben adds.

“What if you focus her on the positive?” Rose asks.

“I’ve been,” Rey yawns.

“But you aren’t in a place right now that you can be all in,” Ben says offering his hand.

“How can I?” she asks lifting both hands and dropping them without letting go of his. “I can’t move with them. I’m just a bump on a log right now.”

“Maybe give her more responsibilities, like help her see that she can change the outcome— “Rey stares at Rose until she cracks. “Okay, okay... but she’s too smart for this. Think of how Anthony started to change when Ben started living here? He was so sure —thank goodness it worked out—I mean, he’s like a little man now. All of the potty-training woes and bed training, gone because you let him discover himself. Rey. I saw the boy eat a sprinkle because Ben did. I mean he had to give him a few on the table in a pile like bird seed...but he ate it without gagging!”

Rey knew this was a huge move for Anthony who would gag the moment a sprinkle hit his tongue. The boy could choke himself on just about anything. Bananas couldn’t be sliced. His preferred method was to have Rey rip it apart bite by bite when he was ready for it, of course, to eliminate the slimy texture it took on as the air got to it. This reminds her of every meal he would sit down for and then storm around the table in defiance, calming that a noodle touched another noodle and they’re crunchy. They’re noodles! One time she was so desperate she laid out all of his spaghetti line by line so he could decide which had the right amount of sauce on it, deeming them good enough to eat. All the rest were pushed off his plate, onto the table and shunned like the criminals they were for wrongly wearing an inappropriate amount of sauce. 

Only recently had he been okay with milk in his cereal and as simple a victory as it may be, Rey can gladly say that it was something to do with a line she used about milk making everything better. Milk and cookies, milk in hot chocolate—milk in cereal. Two of which he was completely aware were awesome, so why wouldn’t the third be? Milk and cereal only happens once or twice a week and she’s still astounded that he even tries it. Hudson usually keeps him aware of how many he has left with each bite as if he’s trying to make sure he gets it all—but then panics when there aren’t any left. Ah, kids...

“So, this thing with Addy...” Rey starts again, “I should get her into taking care of the babies?”

“And Ben should with Briana. I think it’ll help. Overdo it when you explain things like you did with them before. Remember when Anthony would freak out when something would buzz by him?” Rose asks. 

Rey laughs, “—and I told him that bees don’t speak English, they only speak buzz.” She hears the spread of Ben’s smile and feels the way his body heaves through fits of giggles before she adds, “... And he told me that we should teach them English. We haven’t succeeded. But he does tell them to stop it like they can understand.” 

The four of them laugh about it and are remembering other situations the kids have been in and how they’ve learned how to manage it well into the night.

————

The remainder of Rey’s pregnancy came one day at a time she told herself. She decided to stop planning anything unless it was an hour in advance being that she was so sure she would go early. Science proved it in many women that going early the during any pregnancy meant they could go as earlier still for others. Being the only thing she desperately didn’t want to go through, Rey became remarkably skilled with the grabber stick Ben found at Walgreens, picking up the smallest items like Cheerios, and trying to master rice. It was the last source of freedom she had and was fun enough to help her pass the time. 

Anthony and Addy started Pre-K4 and even that changed with a male teacher. Change isn’t easy for her kids, but she did manage to help them understand that boys and girls can do whatever jobs they wanted. Nurses could be boys, which got them talking about how long ago Uncle Finn was a nurse and why he wanted to be an ER nurse in the first place. 

“He liked talking care of people,” she said to her kids who sat still for the story. 

“What’s E.R.?” asks Addy.

“Emergency Room,” Rey replies.

“What’s that?” asks Anthony.

“It’s a place you go when you have a really bad owie, like if you break a bone or need stitches.” She watches them both process this. 

“What’s stitches?” her son continues questioning everything she says.

“It’s when doctors fix an open cut using a special thread—” Rey stops when she sees Anthony pick at his shirt. “What are you doing?”

Silence.

Anthony very carefully pulls a thread out of his shirt. The amount of focus he’s giving it is amazing to Rey, so she just watches him instead of stopping him from destroying his shirt. Once he finally gets the thread to a length, he thinks it should be he coils it around his finger and asks if what he did was accurate. 

Rey, who knew not to explore any further agrees, “That is exactly how, Anthony.”

The boy grins and tells his mother his plans for the future. “When I’m six-ckteen, I’m going to be a doctor and buy a house like Daddy and give it to Auntie Gwen.”

“That’s very sweet—"

“I don’t want to be a doctor, Mommy,” Addy interrupted her brother who happened to give her a dirty look. Addy squinted her eyes and stuck out her tongue telling her mother that she wanted to talk to animals like the princesses do.

Rey smiles and agrees that would be fun and leaves it at that. She’s still not sure what brought on the princess thing, but these days she only wants to wear dresses and God forbid if she gets a speck on it. 

What did Rose say about getting her involved with babies? Are there any princesses that like babies? Rey does the only rational thing she can think of and grabs her phone to ask Finn about princesses that like babies. 

Finn is outside with Poe and Dopheld adding a fence around their property when he hears Rey’s ring quack at him. 

“You okay?”

Rey squints hard at that hating that it makes her sound like she’s unable to take care of herself. After she settles Finn telling him she’s fine, Rey asks him about princesses.

“Do you know any princesses that love babies?”

He doesn’t hesitate to answer her odd question correctly, “Wonder Woman.”

“No, she’s a goddess... er demigod? Wait.” 

“Princess Diana of Themyscira, Daughter of Hippolyta...”

“Do you walk around with that information—just to have it? Or should I tell Rose to get you checked?”

Finn scoffs. “Rose knows. She is Wonder Woman.”

All Rey can do is shake her head agreeing both that she is and that they were made for each other. 

“Can you just pop on to tell Addy?”

“Yep! Oh, and the nurse just pulled up.”

Rey grumbles her okay and prepares for the most doctorly fun that her kids can muster up. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the woman, she was nice enough as nurses go, but the kids would go bonkers needing to touch all of her things even though they were once sterile and not anymore, the items still had to be used. Addy had fun talking to her about the colors she wore that day, then about her glasses and finally needing them. Anthony was calmer about it. Still, he would throw his body around the living room in anticipation. 

Nurse Stephanie has to be the most patient person in the world, Rey thinks. Anthony always gets his hands on the bulb of her blood pressure cuff and makes Rey’s arm feel like it’s going to explode. Addy needs to be right in her face when she puts the needle in, repeating to the woman about it at the time. 

“You hurt Mommy with that. Don’t not gunda that again. No.”

Rey rolls her eyes at the thought, but the visit goes exactly the same. In fact, in the weeks to come, alternating cheeks and all, Rey’s found that it isn’t that bad. That is, until the nurse misses the thick of the muscle and it bubbles under her skin. That itches like the worst mosquito bite of her life and finally dissipates four days later. Those shots aren’t like a flu shot. The serum is thick, and the needle is long, and it has to be given evenly. Not too fast and not too slow. If it’s too fast it feels like being shot, and while slow and steady is important, being too slow can alter how the needle is held and create unnecessary stabs. No one needs that.

The medicine is working though and that’s all she cares about. Rey is successfully in her third trimester and she’s asked everyone to take pictures of her whenever they can to prove that she’s made it past that terrifying time. Thirty-two weeks is outstanding! She could go now, and the kids would be safe but then rubs her tummy as begs them not to. 

Stay, she whispers to them. It blows her mind that it’s February. 

Where did the time go? It felt like every hour were years in length... and now? Now they were getting ready to celebrate Briana’s first birthday, and she was just a little more than a month away from the safest delivery of her life. 

“How is it February?” Rey asks Rose who is in the kitchen through FaceTime. Rey’s been on strict bedrest since thirty weeks and is pretty sure there’s a smell in it. Every so often she gets a whiff of something that smells like urine, but then finds a handful of Cheerios left in her pillow case. Once or twice she’s picked at the left-over snack thinking maybe it would be okay. Each time it wound up being the worst mistake of her life. 

Being so large makes moving kick start her bladder even though it’s been thoroughly emptied a few minutes prior. Oh yes, it’s been the Pee Olympics, and no matter how many times she has gone for gold, Rey still has come up short. Several times just moving to get up from the toilet shifts them just enough to make her have to trickle out a few more persistent drops, wait five more minutes only to try to stand again. If she makes it back to the bed within the hour, she feels like she’s accomplished something. 

Another issue about being so big is that terrible burn where her skin reaches its limit and instead of tearing, it leaves soft pink ribbons of over her stomach. Some even scab over which is gross at first but being stuck in bed with no desire to watch anything for long periods of time, watching herself heal seems all the more interesting. She wonders about those time lapse videos a lot of those nature shows create and wonders if that would be a good way to pass the time. That is until she hears Rose, this time standing in her room instead of on the phone. 

“You okay?” she lifts her eyebrow at her friend.

Rey looks at her dumbly wondering why she came in. 

“You stopped talking. I figured something was wrong.”

Oh.

“No nothing’s wrong. I just feel like the fattest hippo and started thinking about how odd I’ll look when these kids are out of me.”

“You’ll look like a badass mother of five. People don’t do that often around here anymore.”

“What? Unexpectedly pop out a second set of twins and adopt a baby?”

Rose snorts and pushes the side of Rey’s head off to the side. 

“You know what I mean. Five kids. Are you insane?”

“Yes, and it’s worth it. Now help me up, I have to pee.”

————

Ben and Finn have bonded that much more over the course of this past year. Well almost a year. Finn remembers all the times he mentally pat himself on the back after Ben took his advice. Everything from giving Briana her first sink bath to teaching him to teach her how to crawl were some of the proudest moments of his life. It made him realize his role with their family. Not that he didn’t know where they stood. He does, but truly seeing it from Ben— made his day. 

He can’t help but run through his memories and notice how far Ben’s come. Before they switched Briana’s food from puréed sauces to teething foods, Ben was a nervous wreck. Finn found teaching him how to watch his daughter made all the difference. Ben was so afraid of her choking that he couldn’t focus on the good she was doing. He took the time to slow Ben down and show him signs of distress and what to do about it. It was hard at first for the guys to get into a groove of what worked between the two of them and what didn’t in terms of communication and encouragement. But when they got there, man, they were on fire. 

Briana’s first sink bath was entertaining. They still had the plastic basin that helped let the babies lounge carefully in the sink that the kids used years ago. Finn said he kept it hoping that Rose would cave, and then Rey had hers, he shakes his head trying to forget the discomfort of Ben’s response. He pushed forward to remember how Briana responded to it. Most babies he’s been with, his son included, hated water. But she stretched her legs as far as they would go to splash in the couple of inches that covered her legs. 

“Finn?”

“Yeah?”

“Um. I haven’t been um...”

Finn looks over at the sink from their list they needed to accomplish that day. 

“I don’t? You don’t? Haven’t, what I mean is,” he tries to point at her with the bottle of soap in his hand.

Finns brow furrowed and then lifted a second later, “Oh! No. I don’t. Nope... I don’t think any of us do.” He curls his lips in a disgusted way.   
Ben lets out a relieved because of it. 

“Oh, thank God! I thought I was doing something wrong because I wasn’t. Like so figured the wipes cleaned her enough—"

“She’s sitting in soapy water,” Finn adds. “Nope, nope... Nope... the only time I’ve had to is when the genius who handled my son’s circumcision fucked up. It got all infected,” Finn shudders even at the memory. “He had to go back and get it redone,” he proceeded to gag.

The image of Ben’s response was burned into his brain. Finn knew the man could be expressive, but his version of sure horror was enough to never forget. 

Yes, he is absolutely thrilled about having this close of a connection with an outsider like Rey is. He can see why she was so head over heels with him. The man is good to her and their kids. He’s fun to be around. And, if it’s not bad enough, Finn has been called out by his wife for missing “bro time”.

“I just think it’s funny,” Rose says, offering an apologetic smile to Rey who’s on FaceTime. 

“What’s funny?” Finn asks. 

“I don’t remember you getting this giddy to hang out with me. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have to start calling these “bro dates”.

“Ugh! Rose...”

“No, I’m serious. I don’t think you were ever like this with the guys either. What makes him so special?”

“He’s a good guy, and this is fun.” 

Finn’s thoughts drift off to the den project they paid someone to do. That was the best idea ever. Not that they didn’t think they could do it, but really because there was just too much going on to bring on another project. Staying at the Solo house was awesome. The teens were there most of the afternoon, they did homework together, played games and got ready for each of the holidays the followed the start of school.   
That porch was awesome to decorate! Finn could see why it was Ben’s mothers favorite place to be. It wrapped around the whole house, opening only in the back and the front with railings all around which meant LIGHTS! And oh, the lights he could find! 

For Halloween each of the kids decorated small pumpkins that he let them paint, out on the lawn of course, and set together around a few big pumpkins that had been carved by the teens. They took the seeds and baked them off to enjoy later and were sure to take as many pictures as they could to share them with Rey. 

Poor Rey.

Moderate bedrest was expected but she was just miserable back then. Between smells making her double over and her constant fatigue, Rey was a mess. It made more sense for her to just stay home. Angie would pop by with flowers or a story she wanted to share but decided to do it in person instead of on the phone. She figured it was more personal that way. Finn caught her a couple times and just the sight of the two of them made his heart happy. Rey always kept everyone together, and seeing her family do their best to give her the same feeling of comfort was enlightening.   
Finn remembers Thanksgiving being done in two settings, the first being at three and in Rey’s room and also out in the living room. That was weird, but she couldn’t be trusted until after a certain week count and they were nowhere near that. Ben was helpless at the time. He tried to comfort her, but she couldn’t even lean without feeling the effects of her movements. Rey spent most of her time with her feet up, water and crackers by her bed and her phone constantly plugged in beside her. Finn was hopeful she’d come out sometimes but even that was too much for her. 

Christmas was spent the same way. The kids were nuts, they watched mass on television and had everyone over in waves. By then, Rey was better with smells, which Finn thanked the stars above for because baking cookies was his all-time favorite thing to do with the kids. He was pleased to know that Ben was on board with the whole thing and helped them roll out dough to be cut or pressed. That was a challenge. There wasn’t a single time that the dough wasn’t rolled once or twice and then picked at by small hands. It was as if they thought it was magically thin enough and could do it themselves.

A few times over the years Finn just let them play with it like playdough and baked it as is but this year he was determined to have something other than a huge landmass of a cookie they had to pick off of the baking sheet. This time he had Ben and he did a stellar job at not getting heated—and he can’t for the life of him think of how. Hudson even had his moments, telling Ben that he wanted to roll the dough like snakes and make a Christmas snake instead of cookies like everyone else. 

“Like a candy cane?” Ben tried to regain control of the situation.

“It depends.”

“Depends on what?”

Silence. 

Why do kids do that?

Ben waited for an answer, but an answer never came. 

Moments later he stepped aside to help Anthony with a snowman cookie family he wanted to make. They spent some time trying to figure out how many people made up their family. 

“We’re going to need more dough,” complained Anthony who just figured out their family was not going to fit in the amount they had. The trouble with that was that they didn’t have more. Finn successfully made enough with what was left in the fridge before they came. There was nothing left… that is, except for decorations and icing.

“What if we roll them into balls like we do with playdough?” Ben asked.

“Like Hudson?”

“No, that’s a snake.”

Silence.

Unlike Hudson’s silence, Anthony looked like he was processing, so Ben waited. 

“So not like Hudson?”

“No. Into balls. So, they are round. If we make three of them, we can put them together on your baking sheet,” Ben explained. “And you should have enough to do all of us if you keep them the same size.”

Ben knew what he was asking for motor skills that Hudson wasn’t really showing much of, and wondered if it was too hard of a concept for a four year old, but Anthony put all of his focus into it, working diligently for the remainder of the hour. Which, for Anthony, was unheard of. 

Addy was being helped by Finn, and on and off the teens would stop goofing off for long enough to help her when Finn couldn’t. Addy though had gotten into the icing that Michael was using and turned her dough green. That was fun until Finn saw it complemented her for doing something different. The girl shrunk down on herself until she heard her mother’s voice. She popped up with her misty eyes looking all over the place, when Ben pointed at his chest. It was like she forgot all about it. It had only been there since the morning when Tanal had figured out how to attach a patch of sorts in the right places, to keep his phone on him. 

Tanal’s apron didn’t cover Ben in the least. She was small and so was the apron. It would have been ideal to find a bigger one, but this had to work. The boys didn’t have them even though they were offered for Finn’s cooking classes. It really wasn’t a requirement since they all had access to a washer and drier unit upstairs. Ben thought her offer was wonderful and wore the gingerbread girl apron with pride. 

Addy smiled at her mom telling her that she wished she came. 

“I know, I know. We’ll be doing so much more when the babies come.”

Addy’s face morphed from fear of being wrong with her ideas to blank. 

“They’re going to need their big sister, and all of her smart ideas to help them,” she tried. 

“And their big brother!” Anthony leans in for a peak at his mother. 

“Oh yes, I know. You’ll both do great.”

“And me,” adds Hudson. “And Briana, don’t forget about her! She’ll be…” 

Ben rolls his eyes thinking he lost himself again, and as the conversation picks up again assessing Addy’s green dough, Hudson chimes in again with Briana’s ability to help. 

“She’s already a baby. She’ll know everything. So, she can tell them in real baby talk what they should do—because I only know goo-goo and I don’t think that’s real baby talk. Briana never says it, so I’m pretty sure that’s fake.” 

Oh, the things that boy can run with, Ben thinks to himself.

Rey on the other hand kept him busy and firmly added that it was Addy’s turn and that she was going to talk to her, and only her for a little bit. 

“For how long?” 

“Until she feels better.”

“How long will that be?”

“Hudson.”

“Okay…” he looks around Ben who is sort of blocking Addy. “Get better already Addy.”

Ugh.

Addy’s problem wasn’t really a problem, but she didn’t see anyone else doing the things she was doing or had colored dough either. But Ben thought he had the solution, so he asked for the tree shaped cutters and asked if it was okay to help. His daughter only stared at it as if she could change the color while Rey tried to talk her down. Ben treated the dough like it was wood. Well, figured the concept would work at least. They would have to carefully cut off anything that didn’t form properly but he cut out two trees with what she had, keeping them thick so they could support each other when he stood them up after the fact. 

Addy watched him intently when he went to put hers in first. 

Of course, that started a stir with the rest of the kids. Why did Addy get to go first? Then she would get to do the icing first and that was a battle all together. 

Finn remembers talking all of them down, reminding them that it wasn’t a race and that they only had one oven…

“With two racks,” Hudson supplied making Finn itch at his chin to keep himself from walking out.

“Yes. But you aren’t done yet, and we aren’t racing so just enjoy this time and we’ll put yours in when it’s done.”

“I’m done!”

“Hudson, I can’t put it in like that.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too thick and won’t cook.”

“Yes, it will,” Hudson looks defiant but is really trying to hide the hurt he feels.

“Look,” he showed his son. “If it’s thicker than the tip of my finger, the cookie wont bake all the way through, and we’ll have to throw it out. And you worked too hard on it to have to throw it out.”  
Too hard is right. That cookie will be a rock no matter how long they cook it. He’s rolled and rerolled, and flattened, and rolled it again. Finn shuddered at the thought of trying it, thinking, at least he didn’t, sneeze on it. But then—his lick and stick tendencies were out in full force. 

Holiday cookies were never eaten by the adults because of this. The licking and sticking was the grossest things he could do with it. Let alone decorating it later, like he’s done in the past. Decorating was just another way to say, please paint this with sugar and then eat it off the cookie to redo it and so on. Cookies were never eaten… never… but the experience was important. 

Finn was pleased that Ben’s ideas saved Addy’s day too. That was quick thinking. Her tree even stood up and she was able to decorate it with white icing making it look like snow. It was so heartwarming, it brought tears to Finn’s eyes then and always. Even now while he folds the rest of their laundry, he can’t help himself from blinking his feelings away. 

Finn stopped himself to think about what they would do tonight after Rey went to sleep. They usually talked about anything from upcoming events, to any projects he could think of, including when they would start moving the kids around, but with Addy’s nightmares, they haven’t quite moved the kids or even broken it to them that they would be moving yet. 

Finn can hear it now. Thunder feet everywhere. But it was right. They needed the space and to be together. This transition was going to be a tough one… which had him thinking about the ideas for the design of the room. What if they made something that was more than just three beds in one room? What if they made it awesome?

He types up his ideas on his phone before picking up the next shirt to be folded when he hears Ben’s voice. Rose was right. He did get excited to see him. It wasn’t a bad thing though. Just like—what he thought family life would have been like if he ever knew his folks. Finn likes to think that he was from a large family like the one he has now. Maybe that was why he was always happy to see everyone. Maybe he doesn’t need to look anymore—they could come to find him… his door would always be open, but he didn’t feel the need to keep searching.

The smell of popcorn filled the room when Ben came in holding it and Briana’s hand. She’s been doing her best to keep up with the older kids and he was always right there with her whenever he could be. Gwen worked it out with Ben to hire him in a fulltime position in their nonprofit, which allowed him to be home and at the Solo House so that they could have heath insurance to cover their nearly seven person family that would need it to be all under one plan. It’s been a welcome change for him to be home with the kids like Finn, but still a change. Not going to work is weird. Not getting up for his own routine or even standing on the sidewalk a few blocks over to catch the bus to work is so strange. Part of him misses it, but the other part, the one that gets to lay next to his fiancé to help her in and out of bed or the bathroom, makes it worth it. 

Rey lights up his life with her smile alone. Not knowing her when she went through this before still bit at him, but he thanks God every day for the chances he’s had to be in her life. Their kids have been on again off again little angels and devils with their own insecurities bubbling up at the seams. Briana had no idea of the change. She only adjusted to him being home more, or taking her out with Finn a lot, but Addy and Anthony get on each other about how their mother reacts to them now and he finds he’s dealing with that at all times of day.

It hasn’t exactly been easy but they’re doing so well now. Rey’s been listening to the most recent expectation of complete bedrest, even though she’s just about ready to burn down her room. It’s been hard to be down. Rey had always been the first to get up and go, do whatever needed to be done, and these past eight months have been torture. 

Ben decides he needed to come up with something for when she’s had their kids and needed to talk it over with Finn. 

“Here, let me take that,” Finn says as he reaches for the bowl. 

“Thanks.”

“Has she been going all day?” he nods at Briana who’s in her rainbow striped pajamas, complete with a Rose styled hairdo. Rose loved playing with hair. She loved it so much that he was sure she would have gone into hairdressing, but that didn’t happen. Now Briana get’s her attention, and tonight, Rose has readjusted a pink bobbled hair tie at the top of her head. Her thin black hair was just long enough to stand up and bend over it like a fountain. 

She was just too cute for words walking around like that.

“Yeah, I think I want to give her baby stilts. Do you think they have those?”

Finn laughs at the thought. 

“Pretty sure that’s not a thing.”

“It should be.”

A little time passes as Briana makes her way around to the couch when Ben starts up again. 

“Finn?”

“Yeah man?” 

“I want to do something for Rey.”

“Like?”

“Something she can wear after with all of our birthstones or something… like a bracelet? Something that makes her feel pretty. She keeps going on and on about how much pain she’s in and how fat she feels.”

Finn chews his bottom lip while he thinks about a meaningful gift.

“I mean that’s a good idea…”

“But?”

“Kids. They grab things. It would have to be something thick or an item that can be broken because kids are hard on everything. Remember Briana’s fish?”

“Those fish did not last.”

“And they’re hyper aware of fun activities.”

“I will never say I have to clean another fish tank in front of the kids if we ever try that again.”

Fish… Thank goodness it wasn’t a puppy. There was no way that the dog would have survived. They were so hard on the fish, but the clinker was when they thought cleaning the fish tank meant also cleaning the fish. Ben rolls his eyes at the thought imagining his parents could see his struggle and laughed. They must have been getting a good kick out of where he was in his life now.

“Ah, yes,” Finn laughed. “Maybe we should have explained that they shouldn’t be washing the fish and that it meant something different.”

“So, what do you think?”

Finn said they could look for a thick bracelet or something that could be thrown but suggested something they could put initials on. 

“Why?”

“Hear me out. Our family is huge now, but the ones that you guys have exclusively could potentially spell something. She has: AMK, ADK, and you have: BLS right?”

Ben looks at him crossly, not completely sure of where he’s going with this. 

“Yeah.”

“Okay, so really what you have to work with are two A’s and a B.”

Ben informs him that she picked Hope as one of the twin’s names.

“Okay, and H.” Finn writes this down on a piece of paper to show Ben who still doesn’t get it. “Now, if you don’t include Hudson, he’ll go crazy, so you have another H. Still don’t get me?”

Ben shakes his head. 

It’s when Finn writes down “BWAHAHA” marking Briana, leaving two spaces and then continuing with Hudson, Addy, Hope, Anthony. “Even though they wouldn’t be in birth order, I think Rey would get a kick out of it.”

Ben’s face widens into a silly smile. 

“She won’t go for it.”

“She doesn’t need to know.”

“Who doesn’t need to know?” Rose asks. 

Finn swallow quickly, answering, “No one.”

“What’s this then?” she snatches the paper up from the table as she flops down into her beanbag. Rose’s response baffles the both of them, but maybe she’s just as ready to get Rey back on her feet again that it sets her off. It comes in on waves of bubbling laughter.

“Who’s idea is this?”

Ben points to Finn.

“Yeah.” 

“This is hilarious!” But then she looks at the page making note that Rey isn’t having triplets.

“Maybe you could have the last one. I’ll even give you the easier of the two, with the A,” Ben mentions. 

“Oh no!” she says firmly. “We’ve had this conversation before. That’s a ‘not going to happen’ sort of thing there.” 

“Just be open to it,” Ben tried to gently press this.

“You know you don’t need the W.” 

“But we want the W.”

“What do you have for W?” Finn asks. 

“Walton,” Ben Replies. 

“That’s different,” the both of them say. 

“Look up George Lucas—”

“OH MY GOD!” Finn already knew. “THAT’S PERFECT!!”

“What’s perfect?” Rose lifts her eyebrow at them. 

“It’s his middle name,” they both say with an edge.

“Ugh…” Rose answers the texts on her phone, getting up from the two of them. “I’m not—”

“You’ll think about it—awesome honey, you’re the best!”

______

The next couple of weeks set Rey at thirty-five weeks. Doctor’s appointments have gotten more frequent, which is something she looks forward to because she can go out. Rose is also AMAZING and gets her whatever she wants when they’re out. Up until now Rey would only eat food if it was drenched in sauces. Her favorites being on the spicier side, her cravings would drive her far enough to a new level of crazy that she was sure she could eat it off of paper if the situation arose. Her friend knew and was completely okay with driving past her doctor’s office for the taco place up the road and all of the fire sauce she could handle. Rose also made sure they got Slurpee’s and dumped the evidence at the Burger King on their way home. 

When Ben would take her, which he was dying to every night, but wound up having to help out a home a few nights leading up to her last shot, he would take her for a ride just to hold her hand a little longer before they had to be apart. 

Tonight, she’s with Ben.

Her appointments have been twenty-minute stress tests and checking in with the doctor. It wasn’t anything they couldn’t handle but Rey would always ask that he talk to her during the time l she was strapped up to the monitor. Rey didn’t want to stress herself out. She knew what the lines meant and being this big made her mind race.

Ben took her hand in his and played with her finger tips with his free hand until she relaxed. She used to do it to him, and he was convinced that she did it just because her hands were so much smaller than his. It wasn’t until he got used to the way she was holding him that he really understood she was trying to calm him. He talked to her about their plans for the kids’ room, how excited Finn is about the project and that he got Rian, Michael and Jeffery to help build it, so she didn’t have to worry about a thing. Then he went on to talk about the name he picked. 

Rey leaned on him and asked why he wanted Walton over his father’s name first. Ben didn’t exactly want to explain the idea Finn had that he went along with, or that it had something to do with a certain creator that made some of his favorite films.

“I just thought it sounded nice.”

“Walton Han Solo”

“…Yeah.” 

“WHS?”

“Yeah?”

“You know you’re one letter off from VHS?”

Ben snorted at this. 

“Its not like yours make sense.”

“Of course, they do. Addy is AMK. Which when I would say “I’m” when I was younger, I said “am” instead. So, to me its AM K as in I’m okay.” Rey shrugs and pushes her shoulder into his like they used to do. And Anthony? He’s ADK. Going off of how I used to speak I figured “a” was “i” like I said, so he’s “I don’t know.”

“You’re weird.”

Rey’s jaw dropped. 

“I am not.”

“Yes you are. A is not I. And you weren’t six when you had them,” he teases. 

“I wasn’t six when I said it like that.”

“Okay. You weren’t two when you had them.”

“That’s a gross thought. Thank you for that.”

“Sorry.”

After her stress test, Andrea made sure to confirm that Dr. Ackbar would be back to let her know how she was doing before stepping out. 

“Do you think they’ll do another ultrasound?” Ben asks. 

“Probably not. The amount of those depend on what the insurance can pay for. We just had one three days ago.” 

Ben purses his lips feeling like he was being let down. He loved seeing their progress. Especially that they were scanning her on the outside of her body. The image of the vaginal ultrasound has been burned into his mind. No matter where he sits, he almost expects it to happen again even though she’s just to big to do it.

Rey holds in a sneeze, then another one… panic floods her but she can’t make a sound. Its her quick inhale that catches Ben’s attention. Thanks to Finn he knew how to watch Briana in case of an emergency, her eyes would go wide first, and then everything else would catch up. Rey was no different. Her eyes bulged and looked terrified. It took some coaxing from Ben to get her to come back to him and use her words like he would ask the kids to do. 

Rey turns her head to him carefully and whispered, “I think I broke my water sneezing.”

That can’t be right. That couldn’t have possibly happened, he thinks.

“Ben,” Rey says firmly. “Go get someone and come back to me.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Eyes on me"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thank you to kaybohls as always! Your mood boards always capture the chapters! <3 <3
> 
> ____
> 
> Thank you to everyone that has come by to read this story. It means a lot to me that its reached you in some way. 
> 
> This chapter goes through some moments that have happened. Not all hospitals have the funding necessary, and lets just say the room that my third c-section was done in looked like a storage room. I was on the thinnest metal table I've ever seen, but it hardly mattered because after the epidural numbed me entirely, I was done. They couldn’t move me after. It was funny. 
> 
> Also I upped the chapter count so that I could add an epilogue. That will be 18. 💖 I can’t believe we’re almost there. Thank you all for coming along and enjoying their journey with me! 💖💖

[](https://ibb.co/WpPG1hJ)

Ben?!” 

Rey’s voice echoed in his head, but he was so slow in his response. He was sure time was going backwards and because of it wondered where he was. This is not how this was supposed to happen. He believed that it wouldn’t. He believed that she’d make it all the way and there wouldn’t be any problems. She did so well, followed all of their obnoxious rules, stayed in bed, and now she broke herself over a couple of sneezes. That can’t be right. 

“Are you sure?”

It made him sound stupid even to himself, but he couldn’t help but ask it. Of course, she was sure. He confirmed it for himself when he looked down at her lap to see the fabric of her light-colored mom jeans soaked as if someone dropped a water balloon on her. Ben could feel the blood drain from his face, crashing through him like cinder blocks. His stomach turned awfully at the thought of going back through this part. 

Well, he wasn’t there for Bazine until later in the day. He couldn’t help her at all. Bazine was already gone. None of the magic was there, it was all about saving the baby’s life... The thoughts of that day spiral out of control until he feels her pinch the soft flesh of the underside of his forearm.

“Ow!”

“Welcome back,” Rey says with some concern. She had a feeling that this would be some terrible kind of torture for the man, but Rey isn’t Bazine. They are two different people that lived two different lives. She believed in him that he could do this—that they could do this. 

“Ben,” she points at herself. “I need you to get up. Can you do that?”

Ben nods, carefully standing up beside her. He hasn’t let her hand go yet and she isn’t sure if he’s holding on so that he doesn’t fall through the floor or if he’s trying to regain control of himself. 

“Great,” she stays calm as another uncomfortable gush flows from her. “I need your eyes on me.” 

Ben locks eyes with her like a child. 

“I need you to protect me and your babies. Can you do that?”

Ben nods again, this time his eyes do the talking, bulging now with worry. 

“Good. I need you to let go.”  
He does.

“Good. I need you to go get someone. It can be a nurse, a staff member, Dr. Ackbar, another adult if you have to, and tell them that Rey has an emergency. Can you do that?”

Ben repeats her words “Rey has an emergency,” and promises to go get help. Rey makes sure she smiles at him as he goes to be as positive as she can be before dropping her head on the back of the chair as if it took a miracle to stay patient.

She hears his heavy thuds throughout the office and wonders if the kids will always do that. She wonders if they’ll always be loud. She thinks about how he moves through the hall way and thinks that maybe it’s tied to his nervousness. Maybe that drives each foot to the floor with all of his weight. Maybe she should have told him that she’s just leaking, that the babies weren’t going to just fly out of her but shakes the idea out of her head. It’s too late for that now. He’s already in what most moms she worked with in the NICU called toddler mode. A couple of words were fine. They could handle a couple of words. Of those that believed it, including the nurses she rarely worked with on other floors confirmed that a sentence or more was far too much. Rey wonders if this would be the case with Ben but he was able to take her directions in waves. Maybe he would be okay. 

Fluid kept draining making her groan with discomfort, not just from wetting herself but also from destroying the chair. She thinks about it and can’t help but wonder how many times this has happened to other women.

She can’t be the first. 

“Rey!” Andrea rushes around the room gathering things for a quick check when Dr. Ackbar comes in. 

“Well, the good news is this building houses two ambulances for these types of emergencies, so a team is on their way up as we speak.”

“And the bad news?” she looked up at Ben who looks a little worse for wear.

“You’re soaked and it’s twenty-six degrees outside.”

Rey just blinks at him. It wasn’t like she came prepared. Her bag is in the van. The van was their go to being that way all the kids could go if they wanted to too. Their car seats were already set up and everything. Why would they need one for Rose’s car? It didn’t make sense not to have it. They were so much further along now. What if it came up that they could just go home? That was what Rey was banking on. Or maybe stay a day or two in the regular nursery? Or what if they could stay in the room with her? Wouldn’t that be heaven?

Her pregnant brain could only see the happiness in those things. Not the reality. She was so eager to meet them it didn’t matter how tired or uncomfortable she would be. Their tiny little faces were the only things on her mind. That, and Ben. He looked so uncomfortable looking around constantly so that he wouldn’t hyper focus his sight on the giant wet spot flooding her down to her knees. 

“Let’s fix you up, Mami,” Andrea says asking for the men to turn. 

“This is my practice,” Dr. Ackbar teases her. 

“That’s true, but she’s a lady, and no matter how many times a woman has been through it, it’s not exactly fun to be out there in the open—unless she’s just over it or medicated,” the nurse laughs with Rey about it. 

Rey remembers just how free she was after she got her epidural. It wasn’t an easy thing to take and she was certainly not interested in seeing it or it being explained again, but when the medicine took hold and she did get the chance to relax… and boy did she relax. 

“Don’t make me laugh too hard Andrea. I don’t think you guys want me to pop them out here.”

Andrea snorts, and Ben watches Dr. Ackbar cover his face with both hands, agreeing with them that they did not need that at all. 

“I hope you don’t mind, Mami,” Andrea fixes to pull both Rey’s pants and underwear from her from where she stood. “But I have these lovely hospital grade bits here, and the thickest pads I’ve ever seen.” Ben agrees thinking that he is almost positive they are half the thickness of bricks but couldn’t imagine what they were really going to do. 

Andrea continued to prep her, telling her that they would need to walk her out to the stretcher waiting in the waiting room. She fixes a smock on her which gave her the privacy necessary to go out to them. Once she is situated on the stretcher and answered all of their initial questions Andrea covers Rey with multiple blankets that they had on hand for stress tests. 

“Just remember those are ours,” Dr. Ackbar mentions to the EMTs strapping his patient in. “I don’t exactly want to replace them.”

Rey chuckles.

“No—” Andrea shoulder’s her boss. “Stop trying to make her laugh. Didn’t you hear what she said?”

“It would be entertaining, wouldn’t it?”

“I blame this on your upcoming retirement. Are you sure you want this senile old man delivering your kids?”

It’s now Dr. Ackbar’s turn to act shocked, his jaw dropped open assuring them that he was not in fact senile…?  
___

Ben is at a loss. He knows how much Rey respects this doctor, but he can’t help but wonder, if only for a little bit, if he was completely crazy. Maybe it came with the profession he thinks. During the ride in the elevator he pondered all of the times the doctor would pop in from seeing other patients that were referred to him by other doctors midway through their pregnancies. These women had no idea the level of care that they were getting, and it was evident every time he sought out her room. Several times he remembers the doctor coming in quickly, shutting the door, and leaning on it with his back against it. The man would sag a little, close his eyes and tell Rey he was so glad she was level headed. 

“Some of these women come in and want me to work my magic and reverse time. Or—one better tell me what they see on the ultrasound.” He made mention to all of the times he has been threatened by very protective women or had women that had no concept that he was a male obstetrician before they came. Those were the days that he thought he was in a weird hidden camera show. Dr. Ackbar looked at them as if they were the last little bit of sanity in the entire building, maybe even the world. 

The doors slide open and Ben has to release Rey’s hand so that they can move her. He’s given a knowing look from both of the EMTs and Dr. Ackbar assures him that he can have someone get their vehicle later on it tomorrow.

“I’ll have the plates called in, so you aren’t ticketed for parking overnight.”

“Thank you,” Ben’s surprise is evident.

“Don’t mention it. Besides, she needs you,” he nods at the back of the open ambulance. 

Ben dashes off to make it to them before they closed him off from riding along with. Once he’s in, he leans forward to touch foreheads with Rey, promising her that it would all be alright. 

“Ben, can you...” Rey barely asks her question before she begins to heave. Eating all day put her at a disadvantage. Last time Rey went in the morning and she only had one grape. One measly grape. Having it caused what felt like an endless heaving session that removed all of the bile from her stomach. Well, since she had eaten, it was only right to expect that it was all going to come out. 

Rey scrunches her face up trying desperately hard not to heave and have the kids at the same time. A quick thinking EMT throws his arm out and gives her a bag. Ben notices for half a second that it looks like one they’d give passengers on a plane and is retrieved from his thoughts when he feels her miss. 

His mouth hangs open at the sight of his pants. He was aware of the potholes they hit but didn’t expect it to be that bad. His dark wash jeans had certainly seen better days but not today. Today he was covered from the knee down on his left leg. Splatter, not nearly as much is on his right being his left took the brunt of it. Ben’s eye twitched mercilessly trying to control himself. It wasn’t anger at all, because he figured it would be cruel to be mad at her in this state. He’s surprised he even thinks like this but thanks to his family and the diverse group and their ages wound up helping him through this mess better than he could have without them.  
No, Ben wouldn’t yell at her for this. He did want to vomit too though. He’s always had the urge to after anyone in his childhood had, or even the kids now. Briana used to have the hardest time with the thickness of her formula and would barf it up in chunks that looked more like crumbled toilet paper or over churned butter.  
Ben groans at the mental image and the one he has the pleasure of seeing now. His face wrinkles as he frowns at it. The moment comes and goes at the sound of Rey’s sniffling. Was she crying? Over this? 

“I’m-m-m,” she turns to duck her head away from him in shame trying desperately hard not to heave again. “S-o-r-r-y.”

Rey had her moments, they both did. It wasn’t like they were perfectly handling life together, because honestly, who does? He’s seen her at her worst, upset about things she couldn’t change or embarrassed to no end, which Rey was never really a fan of. And she’s seen him get grossed out at things that she just couldn’t help anymore. Her size and mobility made it hard to do anything so he really should have been more willing to accept the dreaded ball of hair in the shower that looked more like a rodent than a misshapen ball of brown knots—but it made him gag. And anything that could promote the reflux was awful in his book. They were small things really. Vomit, as much as he hated it, wasn’t going to stop him from seeing the big picture. Ben is determined not to let this ruin their delivery night together.  
“Sweetheart,” he reaches out to her to brush the beads of sweat beginning to form at her forehead with his thumb. “They’re just pants.”

“That I ruined,” she burps mid-sentence. 

“They’re old jeans, Rey.”

“And now they…” she tries to control herself again. The potholes and breaks on these vehicles weren’t much help. “Now you’re soaked and it’s—hmmm.” 

Ben knows she’s trying too hard to keep herself together so he does the only thing he can think to do. He asks for scissors.

The man in the back looks at him queerly promising Ben that they couldn’t give him anything. Especially not scissors. 

Rey’s vomit smell is only aiding to her heaving and he’s positive he will never wear these things again, so he shoves his hands in his pockets to look for anything he can use to fix this situation. Relief flutters over his features when he feels the box cutter he nabbed from Finn to help with the recycling in the morning. 

“Thank you, Finn,” he says as he pulls out the knife and pinches the fabric to pull it high enough to nip at it. 

“Do not do that in here!” the EMT hollered as they hit a few more potholes. He swore, continuing with his promises that he was going to miss and stab himself. 

Ben ignored him, ripping the jeans awkwardly from the cut he made in the left leg to successfully slide the majority of the vomit off of his leg. Whatever was left was still on his shoe, but it beat being all over his pants. Sure, he looked like he’d been in an old versus new fashion show but really, losing the smell of her bile is at the top of his list of things to do. Ben, who knew that the EMT was ready to fight him for the blade, held the paint covered handle between his teeth so that he could keep it. His plan is to make shorts. He promises himself that there was NO way he is going to get out of the vehicle like this, that is, unless they get there before hand. 

Ben’s heart races when they stop. He looks around quickly, hoping to see a red-light flood into the cabin, but there’s none. 

Fantastic.  
Ben goes for it and is only given the chance to open the right leg before the knife is finally taken from him. 

“This will not be going with you,” the man said. Ben didn’t miss the fact that he also muttered “asshole,” explaining to the other crew member about the bullshit that he just went through during the ride. 

Rey looks a little worse for wear and Ben is thankful that he’s been practically shoved out before they move her. It gave him time to pull at the cut he made, which he’s sure it made him look like he was completely insane. His only practiced response to the questions he was sure he would get was going to be about being vomited on. 

Made sense to him. 

_____

 

It’s February twenty second, and Rey is considered thirty-six weeks and four days. She’s had to explain it several times as she was checked in on the labor and delivery floor. Ben helps by filling out paperwork as she answered the questions to. She commented on his pretty handwriting several times before she realized she said it already. He figures there’s just too much happening for her to remember herself. There were waves of nurses that came by introducing themselves as they did. Ben of all people started feeling the fatigue of all of the information passing between the group of them and he wasn’t even the one having the babies!

Rey though, while she looked like she was pale and drained by ride over, Ben noticed that she still looked beautiful. Tired but excited. Ready. She looked like she was in her element and as weird as it seemed, she looked like she wanted to take care of herself. Like it was weird to have the staff taking care of her. 

One of the older nurses came in to double check her and confirm that Dr. Ackbar had already made it. This sounded weird to Ben who couldn’t be sure as to how. He left AFTER the ambulance and followed it for a stretch. How was he here already?

“He’s made the staff take their breaks in waves,” she checks her watch. “Babies are on their way and we’ll be delivering in about three hours. It gives you enough time to absorb some of your fluids,” she explained mostly for Daddy, who was leaning against the wall of her room looking just as drained. 

Using the last of his capabilities that night, he remembers to call Finn to let him know what happened. He needed to explain to the kids and offered the space at the house if any of the teens wanted to be there with Addy and Anthony figuring maybe it would make the surprise easier to accept. He knew that Addy would be a mess, especially with her nightmares about Mommy not coming home. He also asked for the bag she made and if they could pack it with things for him, like a change of clothes. He didn’t explain why thinking ahead about how embarrassing that may have been for her. Didn’t she cry about it?

“Ben, she covered that. It’s in the bag…”

“We don’t have it—we left it in the van. And Rose’s car is at the doctor’s office.”

“You said you’re at the hospital? WAIT! She’s going now??”

Finn wasn’t easy to bring back down but when he did, Finn explained that Rose was already there on her shift and that he’ll have to get a couple of the kids to come get the van, pick up her car and do the swap at the hospital.

“That’s fine,” Ben wasn’t worried. Anyone that would volunteer to help would be completely capable. It’s weird thinking this way mostly because his parents were nervous wrecks when it was his turn to learn how to drive. They even delayed his permit because they thought he was a little too hotheaded. Ben smirks at the thought. Neither of them were in the car with the other when he learned but was sure he got his road rage from his mother. 

Angie, Rian, Michael and eventually Jeffery all learned to drive with Finn’s beat up civic, it’s the one they never thought would run again that Michael was able to get going. Finn still doesn’t know what the kid did to fix it, but it’s been coasting along fine as a learning tool since. It all worked out for the best when they all went for their license too and of the four, Rian had the hardest time with the parallel parking, but they all passed otherwise. From there they shared the car, neither really having an opposition to the rest about using it since it wasn’t exactly theirs and, in all honesty, it wasn’t exactly something they couldn’t live without.

Finn sent out the message that at least two of them were needed and that the spare set of keys would need to be picked up at their house before going. This riled up the kids. It wasn’t like Ben didn’t think it wouldn’t either… it was more like he didn’t know just how badly it would. 

Angie rides along with the five of them so that three can stay and help Finn with the kids and the other two could handle taking the van, picking up Rose’s car and driving it over to the hospital’s garage. At Finn’s, four kids against one no-longer-functioning-adult didn’t seem right so off they went to help. Angie, Tanal, and Jeffery are dropped off to start their night with the kids and notice multiple cardboard boxes leaned against the side of the house next to the door. Jeffery frowns trying to figure out what it could be and pushes one of the boxes. It doesn’t move. In fact, it’s heavy. Too heavy for just him. And there’s four of them. That’s strange. Neither of the girls knew what to make of it but right as Tanal rang the doorbell, Finn answers it thanking the stars above that they came. 

Finn couldn’t say thank you fast enough. He looked a little disheveled and then noticed the boxes that Jeffery was pointing at and covered his mouth. What is he going to do with these? He was counting on Ben to be home to put them together with him so that it was an awesome surprise for the kids the next day. He thought a grand reveal would be the best way to get the kids interested in their new spaces. 

He, however, did not expect his helpers to rally the troops and get them all helping this far into the night, but they do, and it is awesome. After the kids are moved into the den, Tanal moves a table and chairs for the kids to sit at and help her make artwork for their parents and new family members. This takes no time. They knew she was stalling, and it made them constantly pop up to see what else makes its way through the hall and into the center of the room. 

All four boxes are now in the middle of the room and the kids, Addy included are all watching intently as the first of them are opened. Finn asks Angie to put Briana in her pack ‘n play and then asks her to grab his phone to document the process in pictures. He also asks specifically for her to watch out for updates, so he doesn’t stop the forward motion with the project just to constantly check up on Rey and Ben. They just don’t have time for him to ogle the phone waiting for the next update. 

No sooner does he explain to the kids that this is their special gift that their new baby brother and sister gave them does Hudson ask how they got money to do so.  
Hudson. Finn stairs at him blankly as if he just told the twins that Santa didn’t exist. Never had there been a time that he’s wanted to shout his frustrations than now with his son challenging him while he’s tired and starting a huge project. 

“They don’t need money,” Tanal said. “They’re babies. They come with wishes.”

“What did I come with? I don’t have brothers and sisters,” Hudson pouts.

“You came with happiness and so many gifts that aren’t things.”

“Like what?”

“Well, your intelligence for one. You’re quick and smart and keep everyone on their toes.”

Hudson agrees. “You’re right. I’m eight thousand forty-six times smart.”

“I’m glad you know.”

“What else did I come with?”

The kids ask Tanal for answers about them while they sits around the table and Finn sees his opportunity to continue working with Angie and Jeffery. 

“Thank God for you guys,” he whispers just loud enough for them to hear it. 

——-

At the hospital Rey has been stuck a few times with an IV and it shows. It looked like the poor nurse was nervous too, so she said nothing about it. Watching him insert and miss it and try to force it over like he was merging onto the highway made her stomach flip. The older nurse that accessed her files ordered him out of the room and made a new connection in her left forearm. 

A lot continues to happen around them. Nurse are rushing around, an anesthesiologist and his assistant came in to introduce themselves before heading back out, Dr. Ackbar came in to joke with them and ease the tension and Ben has been given the largest scrubs they had on hand telling him to get ready.

“The air is on in there, but these things aren’t breathable,” a familiar voice rang out in his head. 

Ben looked down to see the same blonde nurse that had spoken to him so long ago, she’s the same woman that had been with Poe… what was her name again? 

Ben nods unsure of how to address her. He’s only seen her a couple of times since then.

“I didn’t know you were working Kay…”

That’s it! It’s Kaydel! Thank you, Rey!

Kaydel turns to face her friend, “Yep I’m usually here and I get to be the one that wheels you off,” she claps excitedly. 

The two talk about her shift and that there aren’t many parents here tonight, so she’ll get to see a lot of them before she’s set up. Just then she receives a message on her phone and Kaydel perks up letting everyone know they need to move so they can make their way down into her delivery room. 

“Is she? Are we? Wait…” Ben tries to keep his questions to himself out of embarrassment. 

“You were scheduled for a repeat c-section two weeks from now,” Kaydel says as if it was obvious that they would be doing it now. 

“They don’t do that in this room, grasshopper,” her line from forever ago comes in to play. Rey grins when he realizes the connection, smiling shyly at her just as he did all that time ago. 

She was right then and of course she would be right now.

“Anyway, I’ll be in and out. If you feel too wet or uncomfortable in any way. Push the buzzer and I’ll fix you up. Don’t feel like you’re being a bother either. Like I said, there really isn’t a lot going on. One of the mothers is being sent up to her room, and the other two are regular labor. If that bothers, you I can lend you my headphones.”

“I can’t see why it would…”

Kaydel points to Ben to confirm it wasn’t an offer for Rey.

“Oh!” Rey laughs. “Maybe that would be a good idea.”

“I can manage. Besides. I want to be able to hear you. Don’t you think that’s a good idea?” His tone was soft and not snarky in the least. Ben has been through enough but still not enough to know what to do in these circumstances. He found this just too important to miss out on just because of a few screams down the hall.

Rey smiles at this, reaching out her hand to take his. “Of course, I do. I’m just, you know… trying to look out for you. That’s all.”

“I think it might be time for you to let me do the looking out.”

He leans in to kiss her, but she pulls away mentioning that she can still taste the bile in her mouth from before. 

“It doesn’t matter. Noting does but you and our family.”

Rey’s heart leapt in her throat and her eyes watered so much so that they twinkled in the fluorescent lighting of their labor and delivery room. 

“You mean so much to me,” she says nodding at her belly, “and to all of us.”

Ben swallowed hard at that. It wasn’t exactly like he didn’t have a clue to it, it just was the fact that she said it in a crowded room as she always has, reassuring him the way she knows he needs it, but its never done for just that reason. She does it because she truly loves him and that makes his decision for him kissing her passionately despite the awful aftertaste. 

—— 

Rian and Michael get to the front desk after parking in the garage and check in. Their bag is searched by security even though they explain they’re there to see Nurse Kenobi and that she’s in Labor and Delivery. When the guard is finished, and they receive their badges the boys hurry up down the corridor to the elevators. Rian hauls the bag’s straps over his shoulder again and tells Michael to text Ben first and then call him figuring calling is faster. 

“Hello?”

“It’s Michael. We’re here. We have your stuff.”

Ben’s eyebrows shoot up, excited that he might be able to finally change, but what was it Kaydel mentioned about the scrubs? They get hot or something? He can’t imagine that they would but he’s in them now. Won’t taking them off mean they’re contaminated now? Ben’s not sure and opts to keep the damned things on even though people could see his poor excuse for shorts under them. 

“Ben!” he hears Rian call his name as their coming around the corner. “Hey,” Rian looks Ben over while holding his bag. 

Michael comes up behind him and blurts out, “What happened to you?”

“Long story,” Ben grimaces accepting the bag from Rian.

“I have time,” Michael pushes.

“Unfortunately, we don’t,” Kaydel excuses herself from the room calling the staff down and asking one of the guys to help her move the bed through the doors. “It’s time. You can wait here if you want to or in the waiting room instead. I’d pick waiting room though because they may have to go to another floor after delivery.”  
Ben’s heart sank. 

“It all depends on how well they’ve developed. Now, if you’ll excuse us…it’s time to go.”

The boys fist bump Ben telling him they’ll be here when they get out, “Unless they kick us out. Then we’ll wait downstairs.”

———

Back at home Finn, Angie and Jeffery have gotten the first bunk setup together and all three of them have gushed on and off again about how cool the design of it really was. The beds were within contained units that extended in width well past a regular twin mattress for a bunk bed design. It was solid for something that didn’t already come pre-made which meant it was worth the money that was spent. Instead of having a ladder that hang on the outside of the bunk, there were stairs that lead up the back wall of the bottom bunk itself. While stairs were something the kids had to work on, Finn believed that this was the safest alternative. The stairs were wide enough to sit two children next to each other too so in the event of an argument or races up or down the stairs when they got good at it, either child could pass the other as needed. Stairs were wide enough for an adult to climb too which is a must, especially if either of the men were to climb them… Finn laughed at the image originally thinking there was no way Ben would have made it up any of them without having to completely turn his foot to the side. 

Tanal took Hudson to get his mattresses in his room. That was a blast for him. He loved ripping the blankets off of his bed, even in his exhausted state he was able to get everything off and took off back into what he claimed was his room because his bed was being made first. 

“I want the top because I’m the biggest!”

That started an argument. 

Anthony, who knew Addy came first, whines about wanting a top bunk too just because Hudson had one. 

“Cool it. There are two more boxes,” Finn starts. 

“Which means there’s another set of beds,” Jeffery explains. 

“Why do we need four beds?” Hudson asks.

“We’ll, where am I going to sleep when Mommy is at work?” Finn asks.

“In your bed, Daddy.”

“But what if I want to come out here? Won’t you keep me company? Or is it just a kids party room now?”

“KIDS PARTY!” all three yells. 

“Come on! Let’s go get the rest of the beds!” shouts Addy. 

It warms Finn’s heart to hear her get as excited as the boys. Maybe this would be fine. Maybe they would be better than they thought.

_____

The operating room is in the hospital’s basement. Ben finds this to be just the weirdest setup. It’s not like he’d ever been in an operating room before or in enough hospitals to know if it matters. Does the location matter? He fights the urge to look it up on the phone grossly assuming that the reasoning had to be because of blood flow. Ben awkwardly searches the floor for drains but sees none. Is that normal? Is it not normal? 

Jovial voices welcome them around the corner and Ben goes still, rapidly losing whatever color is left in his body. The room is bright and sterile reminding him of a dentist’s office of all places. Yet there was no chair, instead there’s a thin silver table —TABLE… it was a table. That’s it. That is what they are going open her up on? How is that safe?!

Rey lifts her head off of the mattress and shifts to help them move her to the table from the bed. He hears a conversation between the two women asking her if she was alright to stand. Rey agreed to it even though Ben knows he said nope. Did he tell her no? Or was that in his head? 

One thing he’s sure of is how radiant she is even in this awkward position. Nurses, staff and her doctor all make their way around the room situating her properly on the table first, then turn to Ben asking him to leave for a brief moment so they can be sure that the space behind her stays sterile. 

“Go, Ben. It’s the epidural. You can’t be in here for that,” she says. Ben stands motionless watching a nurse hand her a pillow to lean down on. She flinches when one of her babies kicks and shuts her eyes tight. “I need you to go…Go so you can come back.”

Dr. Ackbar takes him by surprise as he leaves with Ben into the hallway. 

“She’s in the best care, Ben. She only has a small window to get that shot and if she doesn’t, we’ll have to do a v-bac because we won’t be able to provide the surgery she needs.”

Ben feels like he’s falling through the floor. Never once did he really think a c-section was a major surgery. How did he think the babies were going to come out exactly? He remembers their most intimate times together, wondering just how deep her scar went. He remembers idly tracing it with one of his fingers wondering why this was one that didn’t seem to fade like a normal scar. Hers provided a dip she wasn't quite proud of, shelving her skin in just the wrong way. His memory faded from view as if he was watching a movie only to be called back by someone. 

Dr. Ackbar smiles at Ben, patting him on his upper arm.

“First time in the operating room, eh? Don’t worry. All you’ll see is her pretty face trying to calm you down. There’s a lot you could potentially see. If you’re afraid like most guys are, don’t look anywhere else but at her until you hear your children’s cries.”

Ben manages to thank him right before the door opens. 

“Alright doctor,” her anesthesiologist welcomes Dr. Ackbar back in. “Leads are in, medicine is running… and so far, she’s claimed to not be able to feel her legs.”  
“Great. Almost there then!” Dr. Ackbar claps his hands together and everyone gets into position. 

Nurses have already re-hung the IV bag ran poles up that made the table, minus the fact that Rey is laying on it, look like a mini badminton court. For a second there he was waiting for someone to hand him a racquet. Up goes a blue sheet far higher than his head and he sits up a second just to be taller than it. It was almost like a challenge to him that he has to react to. 

Thankfully he sees nothing but Kaydel who looked almost ready to give him the finger before he took up residency on the stool behind Rey’s head. When he finally hunkered down, he could hear her hum of approval.

“I’m glad you’re back…”

“I’m glad you kicked me out.”

Her smile spread across her face just as it always has. A yawn escapes her, and he seems to be called by it. Bending towards her makes his hair fall forward which tickles her forehead and then her cheeks making her sigh.

“I love you, Ben,” she whispers to him before a nurse appears on either side of her to pull the bars out of the table.

“Wrap your arm around this please, sweetheart,” Ben’s brow furrows hearing another man call his girl “sweetheart”.

Oh no! That is not going to happen! Ben fights the urge to look at the man who did when he sees Mr. Urgent Care himself! What the hell is he doing here?! His brain exploded.

“Oh, good Dr. Radar. I was almost positive you were going to be running late.” 

“Had enough people to cover. I need to get in my hours somehow,” the man shrugs then assesses Ben with a nod. “Not so funny now is it?”

“I did not laugh at this,” Ben felt like he could burn a hole through the man if he stared long enough. 

“That’s true, but I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Still funny,” Rey fights hard to control her smile because where there’s a smile there’s usually laughter too.

“Keep yourself together,” he replies. “No one is lined up to catch.”

Ben fights to keep himself in line thinking it might not be smart to yell at a doctor. Especially not here while his fiancé is laid out on the table. Ugh, that’s another thing Ben willed Dr. Radar to get away from, the sight of his wife to be laid out naked in front of them. He hates this. Why couldn’t it be a room full of women?

His heart races when he watches her adjust herself on the braces. The tiny tingling sound of metal to metal startles him and he watches her necklace’s chain drop behind her neck, holding the weight of her ring they wisely took off a month ago. It reminds him that no one else matters. No one in the room but her and the kids… and so that’s all he pays attention to.

Remarkably so, the trained staff went about their surgery as if they had a child among them. He wonders if Rey told them about his past. If she told them anything at all or if they always do this. They check her once and then again to see just how numb she is. Once she can barely feel under her chest, they all lean in as if they’re at Maz’s puzzle table. Boy that’s a weird thing to think of, but before he knows any better the picture of them like that is there. He imagines her having a cookie feast out as she always does and all different types of tea for each of the staff as well.

Conversation is soft and he can hear the clang of metal objects hit what he assumes is a table meant for that sort of thing. The operation must be going smoothly because their topics go from how their shifts went, to what this interrupted, to what they were doing after, which soon included requests for this year’s vacation time. Routine, he thought. This must be similar to rounds they do upstairs, or what he does on a day to day basis with the kids. They must do it so many times that they don’t have to stress about it at all, he thinks. 

Ben’s mind stops. Absolutely come to a screeching halt when he’s sprayed with a couple of drops of something. Whatever it was hit his shoulder and sounded like rain, but what was it?

Blood.

Rey’s blood! 

Rey’s blood on his shoulder. 

Two little specks of it which sends him right into a panic.

“Sw…”

Nope. 

Ben slouches back on the stool seeing the thick tube of blood draining out of her. 

Didn’t need to see that…

Not at all. 

With the strength that’s left in him he tries to stand and drops in the same spot right into two strong arms that look like his own. God help him. It was Dr. Radar himself. Was that his purpose for him being there? Was he supposed to catch all the dumb fathers that just had to look ending their stays in the OR? 

“Come on, guy. Let’s get you a chair with a back on it.”

Ben puts his arms up in protest, but Dr. Radar has him. 

“Don’t fight me or I’ll have to remove you. Besides, you don’t want to miss your kids’ debut, right? You’ve come this far…”

He was right but it didn’t mean he had to like it. The further he stood away from Rey the more he missed her. The more he thought about how she’s done this without him before. The thought is sobering. Not again. Never again. 

“Okay. I’m fine. I’m just…” He points to Rey. “I’m going to sit by my wife,” he says with authority even though they haven’t quite tied the knot.

“That’s fine. Just careful. You’re too heavy for her if you pass out on her.”

The image of being the one to bring her pain or worse brings up thoughts of Bazine which Ben couldn’t allow. Not now. Not for any other reason than not being able to handle Rey passing before him. 

“Okay,” he nods, and the doctor releases him. “Okay.”

Ben catches a glimpse of Rey’s body moving similar to how it would if he were over her and grimaces. He knows not to look. He knows no one is with her in such a way. Dr. Body was behind him by the door and rounding the staff to get to the sink when Ben hears the first cry. It’s loud and so obviously a baby he can’t help but look over at the sound. A nurse has one and is put in charge of cleaning and weighing the child. As she does, she forgets to ask if Ben would like to cut the cord, so the second beings to ask when the second is born. 

“Please?” Rey rasps, “Don’t ask him that,” she rolls her head to see him standing with his hand firmly covering his mouth and the other bracing the cabinet behind him for dear life. Rey bats her lashes at him unsurprised at his reaction. He stood scared and uncomfortable at the back of the room waiting for it to be okay to go back to her. 

It’s the way she leans her head as if it’s the only thing she can try to reach him with that signals to him it’s time to go back. It’s time to comfort her. Ben knew he would give her everything when their relationship first started, but now? Now he has everything and is dying to give all of him. 

The space they’re in is small and only takes one giant step to reach her side. Her body trembles as they push and pull her, hitting nerves and repackaging her organs back inside her properly. Conversation is a buzz about how adorable the twins are and how much hair they have. 

“Hold them for me,” she whispers, and he’s terrified of it. 

“Don’t you leave me,” he whispers in her ear. She’s so close he can feel her cheek press into his when she smiles. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” she turns to kiss him. “I’m completely numb still and my arms…they…I can’t lift anything.” He watches as she carefully releases the bars.  
Dr. Ackbar pats Ben’s shoulder asking if he wanted to take pictures of his babies where they had been cleaned up. It’s terrifying to move away from her but he goes. Every step forward feels just as heavy as when she first told him it was time. Then the thought crosses his mind that maybe they were on the ground floor so people couldn’t fall through it, especially now. 

Their babies are beautiful he thinks not only because they’re theirs but because they are. Never has he ever imagined that he could know love at first sight quite like this. Nurse Kaydel and another one with enough hair to completely fill her cap holds the other. He’s only able to tell them apart first based on the amount of hair they have and now because of the addition of their colored hats. They’re both such little peanuts being wrapped up in their blanket cocoons, but he knows better. Their size now is only an illusion. His children are long coming in at twenty-two and twenty-four inches from head to their tiny little toes. 

No wonder she was in so much pain. Ben rememberers show she would whine cry because it hurt too much to take a deep breath or use the core muscles necessary to cry it out.

All Ben can do now is smile when he’s shooed over to see Rey by Kaydel. 

“It’s family picture time!” she sang over the commotion in the room.  
Ben wondered for a moment if she knew that they took on the lifelong rolls of being foster parents and just how big their family actually was until he sat down with Rey. Holding Briana was something Ben wanted desperately back then. When he couldn’t it nearly broke him. He wondered if not holding Hope and Walton was having the similar effect on Rey and takes a second to get up before taking the picture with the four of them. Kaydel gracefully slid the phone in her chest pocket as she accepted Walton back to her. Hope was the first out, just like Addy but unlike her sister, Ben is determined to let Rey experience holding her children. 

Still holding Hope, Ben places her on Rey’s chest, supporting her head of course, so that she can snuggle onto her mother. The action made Rey cry. Her chest heaves and tears race down her cheeks.  
“Shh,” he hushes her. “I’m here. We’re here. You’ll never be alone,” Ben croons as he bends forward to kiss the cheek, he had just seen accept a fresh new tear. 

“How did I ever deserve you?” she asks him when his lips connect with her skin. 

“I could ask you the same thing,” Ben coaxes Rey to lift her hand so she could lay one on her daughter for one last snuggle before it was Walton’s turn. 

Rey did just that, unable to stop the constant flow of tears. She promised they were happy ones, that they were filled with such love and adoration of a man she was sure she’d never know. 

“I hope you always know how much we love you,” she says and tries to hug him. 

“I do…and I always will.”

______

Back in the visitor’s section Rian and Michael are talking to Gwen on the phone, promising over and over again that they still haven’t heard anything when a lullaby is heard over the loudspeaker. 

Rian jumps out of his seat when a second one fills the air directly after, shouting, “That’s them!”

No sooner does he hear the telltale sound of nurses requesting assistance with doors and requesting status on an open room upstairs when he sees two basinets being wheeled through the hallway. They’re leading their way through back to the labor and delivery room two which they had started in. 

“Oh my God Gwen! They aren’t going downstairs to Rose! They!” Rian breaks off to cover his mouth in excitement. His face grows exceedingly red in color with tears forming in his eyes. “They’re healthy enough to go back to the room.” 

Both Rian and Michael were just fourteen when Addy and Anthony were born. They saw first hand just how miserable Rey was when the two of them couldn’t come home with her. They were sure that it broke more than just her heart to be separated from her kids but seeing this turn of events now just blows his mind.  
“Kaydel, tell me they’re going home this week. Tell me, I need to hear it from you,” Rian begs.

“I can’t tell you that and you know it, but I am rooting for it!” she smiles at her brother. “We’re all headed back to the room now until her room upstairs is free.”

“Even the babies?”

“Even the babies,” she confirms.

_____

Back at home they have just finished the second bunk bed project, cleaned up, vacuumed even though it is now well into the early morning. Three am is not a decent time to do such a chore but it has to be done. Finn would deal with his neighbors if he had to, but no one was going to be stepping on or ingesting an industrial sized staple or extra screw on his watch. Briana some how remains out cold and the kids are draped in their beds, completely unaware of the sound or the fact that he’s sucked up the majority of the crayons and whatever the glitter situation was when they first started. 

The beds themselves came out amazing. It reminded them of a bedroom set in a magazine somewhere despite not having matching themes in terms of the bedding. Instead, Hudson’s were printed as Lego Star Wars, Addy’s has My Little Ponies and Anthony’s is decorated with Paw Patrol. Both boys wanted the top bunk which thankfully have a feature of a retractable wall just in case the parents were worried about children rolling out of the bed. While it was a wall, it certainly wasn’t a hard one. If either boy had given it enough force they could go right through the reinforced gate, so for now, Finn lines the floor with blow up mattresses that the teens are invited to use for the night. 

Finn, who didn’t have a mattress to lay on in the left-over cubby thinks about trying to sleep by his moose of a kid but opts for the floor next to Briana’s pack ‘n play. Finn makes sure he apologizes to her even though he’s sure she has no idea it’s happening. 

“I’m sure your crib is so much nicer, but I can’t leave them. Finn remembers just then to take pictures of their success so that Ben has something else to share with Rey when they have a moment of down time. As he walks around to get close-ups of the kids asleep in their beds, he sees Angie’s hand in Jeffery’s even though they are fast asleep. Finn who can’t help himself takes the picture figuring it would be a sweet story if the two lasted like he and Rose did, A smile forms at his lips as he remembers their blossoming relationship and frowns for a second, He leaves the room for Hudson’s for the slightest of seconds just for a pillow when Briana wakes up looking for Ben. 

Finn places the pillow between the two love birds and gets his phone ready to coax Briana back to sleep with a picture of her Daddy snuggled up next to her in her little hands. She cradles the electronic device like she would a binkie which thankfully lulls her off to sleep.

Managing to set her back down, Finn reaches out to his wife and sends the pictures of the kids and their setup to the three of them getting nothing but excitement back from all of them. 

“There’s so much to be excited for,” he promises them out loud just over a whisper. “And we’re all blessed to be a part of each other’s lives.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No one will understand what we have except for the people living it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [kaybohls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls/pseuds/kaybohls) You’re so nice to me 🧁💖 Thank you so much for this amazing mood board 💖💖💖!!  
>  
> 
> Also, thank you to everyone that has come by to read this. I can’t tell you how moved I am by the response of this story.
> 
> A lot of the recovery that’s aren’t goes though is based on my experiences with it. I do realize that everyone is different and if you’re okay with doing so, I’d love to hear your recovery stories. 💖💖
> 
> I did up the chapter count to 24 for the six epilogues after chapter 18. In them I’ll be telling their growing up stories from each of the kids perspectives. I thought it would be an interesting way to explore each character. 💖💖

[](https://ibb.co/YPnXYvH)

On her way back to her room, Rey is experiencing her past while her future is presenting itself in front of her. The thought of then verses now, all of her fears, being detached from her children as they grew in the early stages of their lives, up until she was able to take care of them as she wanted to—all of her memories tucked themselves back into the far reaches of her mind. This, them… they were here… Hope and Walton. They are big enough, healthy enough to be with her, if even just for a little while.

Nurse Kaydel hugs Rey once more before heading back down to labor and delivery and her nurse on the floor is an older woman—not by much, if she had to guess maybe five or six years her senior. She’s tall, dark skinned and has a faint similarity to Finn that Rey can’t help but be distracted by. 

“My name is Nurse Vivian,” she smiles as she moves around Rey’s bed, finding the white board on the wall across from her. Vivian’s hair looks as if she’s growing out her lightened color and is pulled back into a tight, low bun. Rey studies her as she moves, even the sound of her voice just to see if there’s anything else she can pinpoint before asking a very personal question. It wouldn’t seem to be one to anyone else: “Do you have any siblings?” It’s a pretty straight forward question she could easily manipulate into being something she thought of because of her own kids being lined up next to her bedside. 

Vivian writes her name and extension number on the board referencing her phone that weighed down her pocket, and the other gadgets the two already knew were in the room but she had to follow the protcol and go over it anyways. Writing down two more extensions, one for the cafeteria, and the other for the line out, Vivian turned locking eyes with Rey. There was something there. Rey could feel it. 

Abruptly, Rey asks, “How long have you been with the hospital, Vivian?”

Ben sits down next to her bed staring at the two of them instead of at his swaddled children in surprise.

“I’ve been on this floor for two months now, but I’ve been a nurse for nine years.”

Rey smiles, then asks, “Wow that’s fantastic. It really is a good facility,” she starts connecting with the woman about work and what they’ve experienced and enjoyed when Vivian slips up about her family, revealing far more than she wanted to, and it showed. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—you don’t need to know all of that.”

“But you felt comfortable. I can relate.”

“You can?”

“We’re all from a broken family in some way or another just looking to make things better...”

Vivian smiles and nods before asking if she needs anything else. “The doctor on the floor will be here at seven in the morning to check your incision and give you directions on how much he’d like you to move.”

“Who’s the doctor on this floor?” Rey can’t help but wonder. She tries and fails to remember who it was years ago. There never really was one set doctor back then. That she was sure of at least. The staff strikes were always an on and off again issue but were resolved when new management took over. It really was an act of God that the hospital didn’t go under.

“Tomorrow it’s Radar and Calrissian, though I can’t be sure who is going to see you though. It’s a big floor and women are here for all types of things. It’s supposed to be for women who are leading up to their big day and recovery, but we have to share with other women who have had surgeries and all of that,” Vivian waves her hand telling Rey not to worry about it.

Ben rolls his eyes at the thought of seeing Mr. Urgent Care again. 

“I do need to ask if you were looking to breastfeed. I’ll need the lactation specialist to come in and speak with you. And she’ll need to get you a pump to borrow for this room.”

The thought never occurred to her. Breastfeeding never happened for her first two. They came so early that when her breasts did engorge, it was at the top of her list to fix the problem. Pumping only made it worse and hot showers were just the worst idea. Several times she had tried to rub out her nipples thinking the pain would stop the way that rubbing out a sore muscle did. It didn’t. She found herself shooting a steady stream of milk in her face like it came from a super soaker. Boy that was embarrassing!

“Um,” Rey looked at herself noticing that she wasn’t even close to the rock-hard chest she needed to be to start the process. 

“Your children will need to eat soon. If you can’t yet,” Vivian gives her a knowing look, “we can give them formula.” 

Rey assesses herself again and opts for the formula. Pumping her floppy boobs wasn’t going to get her anywhere and neither was talking to a lactation therapist.

Somehow Ben could feel her disappointment in it. This was the first of many things Rey had a hard time dealing with. Being unable to provide a natural thing such as food for her children more than upset her. He moves his chair to the other side of her trying his best to keep himself out of the way. He sat close to her IV stand and hated the fact that there was bruising all around the needle. Several times he gagged about it but Rey was on to him. She covered her arm with a pillow when Rose’s comment flew back into her mind. 

“No one’s offended by your left arm…”

But he is, isn’t he? Maybe it was just the physical removal of her babies that had her thinking he would be less fond of her now. 

Of course, it wasn’t the case and the lasting effects of the epidural had her feeling free. Who gave a shit? It’s an arm. At least he didn’t look at his children like that. And her? He still looked at her with the same admiration… so what was it about her arm that was so disgusting?

The last few moments with Vivian in her room, she had brought over a pitcher of water and a plastic cup making sure that she saw the list on the bathroom door.

“Starting tomorrow morning, when the doctor comes to take your catheter out, you’ll have take down the time and measure how much you’ve peed. We want to make sure that you’re capable and healing.”

Rey’s brow furrows, knowing what she said was a normal thing, but that isn’t why. She caught a glimpse of something. Now that she was finally focusing totally on Vivian, she could see her badge: Vivian Trooper. Rey cant help but reach out for her arm as she goes to leave.

“Your last name…”

Vivian has the mind to hide her concern as Rey grips her wrist. 

“What about it?”

“It’s Trooper?”

“Yes…”

Rey can’t help but start to cry and as she does, her children seem to join in. 

“I know this sounds crazy,” she dashes the tears from her eyes, “but do you have a brother?”

Vivian cant help but stare at Rey. It’s been so long since anyone mentioned him. She used to wear a patch, sewn in to her backpack when she was younger and somehow her scrubs were approved so long as she didn’t leave her floor. She’d walk around as if she was a milk cartoon or billboard asking if anyone has seen this child. Vivian nods her head carefully wondering where this is going. 

“Was he, was he…?”

“Taken?” Vivian whispers. “Do you know him?”

_____

The next morning came with a calm like nothing she had ever experienced. The bend of the sun’s pink glow came around her window and colored the wall closest to the bathroom in vivid rows until it rose high enough to fade. It was a message… a sign… It was time to reach out and call Finn. There had to be a plan though. She’s sure it would be hard to just be thrown into all of this but the way Vivian promised she would be back as soon as they called at the end of her shift. Rey just knew it was the right thing to do. 

“Can you call Finn?” Rey asks.

Ben, who is still groggy and sure he’s slept with his mouth hanging open, hence his lips smacking while he just looks at her. Rey stares, expecting an answer like he’s a child, but doesn’t get one. 

“Ben,” she points at the phone. “Can you call Finn? Ask him to come down to meet the kids?”

“What if they aren’t related?” Ben blurts out. 

Ben knew her interest was from her finding out about Vivian’s last name and her story. She had to know, and the only way to know is for them to meet. 

Rey doesn’t have to say anything at all. Instead he punches out Finn’s number expecting it to go right to voicemail. 

It doesn’t.

Instead he picks up right away and answers in a hushed voice. 

“What?” 

“Morning.” Ben’s tone sounds playful even though he’s sleepy. He was such a good guy making sure Rey and the babies were alright through the night. It was his second turn being inserted in this mindless loop of ‘what do you need’ but it meant something different now. It wasn’t just the kids. It was Rey too. 

Her morning consisted of seeing Dr. Radar, AGAIN. He commented on how well she was doing. Lifted her smock to check on the puffiness of her incision. Ben had to control his thinking—his mind only flying to another man looking at his fiancé. God, he hated not being able to call her his wife. It was the last thing he ever wanted besides his family and their happiness. Rey belongs to him. No doctor look-a-like was going to look at her like that, and what? What was she doing blushing at him? Had she no concept of what that was doing to him?

Obviously not. 

Rey smiles back at Ben and he swallows all of his words. 

Finn tries again to get Ben’s attention but when he does he only gets fragmented sentences. 

“Do you want to call me back?”

“What? No. I…” he watches the doctor leave and is completely unaware of Rey’s concentration on what Ben has to say. 

“Dr. Urgent Care was here.”

“What about him.”

“I hate that guy.”

Rey jumps in. “You don’t even know him.” She sounds like she’s standing up for a boyfriend. This drives Ben absolutely crazy. 

“Neither do you,” he catches her rolling her eyes. “No I’m serious. You’re so careful with everything you do, with me, with the kids, everything has a purpose, a meaning. I hate the way you’re willing to let him look at you, like I don’t even exist.” 

“He is a doctor, Ben.”

“Still.”

“It has nothing to do with anything and this big scene you’re making is for nothing because we have each other, our family of five and more. No one will understand what we have except for the people living it. I have you. I love you. And you need to let whatever this is go. 

Ben still has the phone pressed against his ear listening to Finn laugh and intervene. 

“Hi Rey!” Rey hears Finn through the phone. 

“Hi Finn!” She sing-songed back to him. 

“Hey, listen, the kids are waking up. I have to go. I’ll talk to you guys later.”

But Ben remembered why he called in the first place, halting his friend, despite the rage fit that the kids usually wake up with. 

“I think you should come down. You and Rose,” Ben says to Finn. “Everything is fine she just – I think… you just should come down and see her, them… all of them. Them.”

“Ben, you’re weirding me out buddy.”

“I… yea… okay. I mean, why don’t you talk to Rey. I can’t do this.”

Rey’s given the phone while she’s feeding Hope, glaring at him as he does but manages to keep herself composed. It’s only been three hours since their last feeding and Ben has begun to panic. Their volume, their cries, their tininess, hearing his own over Finn’s voice, and above all the mention of finding Finn’s family. 

“Why don’t you go for a walk,” Rey suggested but Ben’s look gave it away. He wanted to be there for his friend. He just couldn’t come to terms with telling him, ‘oh by the way your sister is Rey’s nurse today and she called her parents in so that they could see you again.’

He thought it was crazy. The whole thing was crazy. What if they weren’t his family? What then? Would it build him up and break him? Was that even considered? Finn was happy. Ben knew he was. But then Rose’s story at the grocery store all that time ago made him rethink this. What if it was?

“Can you give me a couple hours? Or come down and switch with me or something? I need a shower, and Rose is home but she’s,” his voice goes lower like he’s trying to hide the phone while revealing his secret. “She is a zombie warrior. She’ll destroy me if I make her get up.”

Rey just laughs. Rose could be a zombie and a warrior but she’s pretty sure a zombie warrior is a new concept.

“What is a zombie warrior, Finn.”

“You know what a zombie is right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, what do you think a zombie warrior is then?”

“Rose.”

Rose is the warrior out of all of them. That much is true…but zombie Rose? There weren’t enough cupcakes and coffee in the world to turn that monster back into a woman. Rose needed sleep or there would be a war over simple things like breathing space.

It is Finn’s turn to laugh and is asked what’s so funny by the kids shouting over him on the phone. 

Why do they yell when he’s on the phone?

Eventually they decide on the afternoon being the best time to come down. Rey has visitors throughout the day and is able to tell Vivian that she was able to get Finn to come in around one. Gwen made it in for a short time while the kids were all in school. Angie and Kaydel took turns running the main building with the younger children which seemed to still have a steady number of but with the sponsorships that Ben had been able to get, they were also getting the word out. It had been an entire four months without a new child being dumped off. Maybe things were turning around. Maybe society was learning. Maybe they could have a stronger community because of it. 

Wouldn’t that be something? 

Changing the world one view at a time. 

____

When the afternoon approached Rey had already done half the days’ worth of her Pee Olympics. Not having the catheter is a blessing and a curse. Rey hated the feeling of it but loved no pressure on her bladder. The difference is now is being careful of her incision, getting up and bending to sit. If she’s either up or down, she’s fine. But the between, that could go to hell. 

Her children have been loved on by everyone that has come in and because they were just ending flu season, they had to make sure no one came in who was coughing or felt under the weather at all. That left out only the children at the moment. Even thought, they weren’t sick from the flu, they were… what was its Rey called them? Ben had to do his best to remember what it was specifically. She said something along the lines of them carrying the plague when Briana was still new. 

What were they going to do now? They have two newborns. Two. A one year old, and two four-year old’s who touch EVERYTHING. Is it different now? Would it matter? It’s not like they could separate them... Rey would never go for that. _He_ would never go for that. The tightness in his chest began to build when he thought about being away from her. He could feel a surge of adrenaline course through his veins… it wouldn’t happen. He wouldn’t let it.

Just as his insecurities started swirling out of control, Rey called him back to him without saying anything at all. She didn’t have to look at him or speak. Her presence was just there, and it was enough to calm him down. 

Rey is here. 

And this is real.

What else was real was coming and sooner than Ben realized. He wanted to think of anything else, not of his friend being lured into an emotional baggage claim but here they are. Vivian and her parents Sam and Abby came in to say hello and congratulate Ben and Rey on their recent birth. Ben’s brow furrowed at the thought of what they said. He laughed at this first thinking he did not go through the birth… but then again, didn’t he? He dealt with a very different spin on it, that’s for sure. 

What he couldn’t see past was how much of a resemblance his father had to his friend. He even had his hair cut short and it is a finer shade of grey with some flecks of black still sprinkled through it. He could feel himself rising out of his chair to welcome them in. It was weird wasn’t it? To welcome strangers into Rey’s room, with the babies… his family…but now that they were here, how could he protest?

Ben introduces himself to the Sam and Abby before him and can’t help but look over all of their features before meeting their eyes. They both seem calm and unguarded. As much as he wanted to find anything but that, he didn’t. The thought of this being something that could very well be real scared him. What would it do to their brotherhood? Would he leave? He couldn’t leave… he has a family. He has them. Him. Does he really need to find these people?

“It’s good to meet you,” says Rey as she does her best to welcome them in. “I understand that this is out of the ordinary.”

“You could say that,” Sam sighed nervously. “Its not common for people to reach out to us. No one has since…” he stops speaking and turns his head towards the doorway. 

Rose and Finn raced to it unaware of what was going on. 

“I WIN!” Rose tried controlling her laughter. “I win… you know what that means don’t you?”

“That I get to hold both of the babies—I’m going to hoard them to myself,” his smile falters finding more than just them in the room with Rey. “I didn’t realize you had company… we can wait—”

“Wait,” Mr. Trooper stopped Finn in his tracks. His boisterous voice caught everyone in the room’s attention. Again, softer now, he asks for Finn to wait. “I’m,” he tries to speak but is over come with emotion. 

“Vivian, why don’t you start,” Rey asks her nurse to explain. 

She does. 

Vivian takes out her bright, neon pink and yellow fanny pack from her backpack and in it she kept worn photographs of them when he was just born. 

“Finn?”

Finn is quiet when she offers him a handful of pictures. She explains each one, pointing out the written notes on the back. 

“Rey tells me you grew up with her and your wife in an orphanage.”

Finn looks blankly at Rey trying to understand what was happening. He wanted to know why this even came up and why these people were so emotional about his life. He didn’t even know them. 

“That’s right…dropped off by the police.”

“Who are you?” Rose cuts to the quick. She hates watching whatever this is play out. No orphan liked going back to the beginning. None of them did, and yet here they were getting set up for the emotional breakdown. 

“We think we might be related,” Vivian started. 

Finn looked at her sideways. 

“Like distant cousins?” he jokes unable to take this seriously. 

“Like, these are your parents and I’m your sister…” Vivian trails waiting for a reaction. Any reaction other than silence. 

But silence was all Finn could give. 

He was so young. Too young. A baby… He grew up with Rey and everyone at Care for Us. His story wasn’t kept from him. He knew. He knew he was taken. It was something he learned when he realized what Care for Us really was. Kids could be mean outside of the orphanage, but Finn still grew. He grew into the loving man Rose and Rey knew him to be. Deep down he thought this day may never come. He will be twenty-nine for the fourth time next month. Any yet, he looks at the people in Rey’s room in disbelief. 

“Tell me,” he tests them. He knew what happened, but did they? “Tell me what happened that day.” 

“When we lost you?” his mother could barely ask her question. Her voice fell to a whisper whining at the very end. She couldn’t help the tears that cascaded down her cheeks. Finn watches as the woman wiped the tears off of her face with the back of his hands. 

He thinks about the way that she does it and then about the fact that she wears no make-up. Finn studies her as she calms herself down enough to speak. 

“When you were born, we lived about thirty minutes down route forty-six in Clifton. They closed the supermarket in town, said they were doing renovations but then closed it completely forcing people to go shop elsewhere. It seems like a small problem, but we weren’t the only people going through this mess, and not really knowing anything outside of town we came this way. Clifton looked a lot like this. Worn down… but we never figured there was a high crime rate here. It wasn’t even a thought.” She pauses worrying her finger nails, pulling at the broken skin there until her husband covered her hands and she apologized for it. 

“I was the last to hold you,” she whispered. “I put you in the car seat, buckled you in, closed the door and rounded our van to help Vi. Once she was in, I finished helping put the groceries in the back when someone went for my purse. I didn’t even think. I should have screamed…”

Finn could feel his pulse surge through his body. There were so many of those types of robberies that he had helped defend even his wife against that it all seemed too true. It was like he was reliving it in a way. 

“You were taken…right out of the car. It was like, like…”

“It was a practiced thing,” Finn finished her sentence. 

The man next to her spoke up through his heaving breath. “I rounded the car to stop it when I saw them barreling down the lot to a grey van. They had you! They had my son!” His voice pitched waking Hope and Walton. 

Both Ben and Rey lifted their children calming them as practiced parents would. They cries awoke something inside of Rey which made her panic. Her breathing became shallow and each doubled cry sent an amazing pain through her chest. Oh, for the love of God body, can’t you pick a better time? She growls inwardly at her chest. 

Since the time that Ben knew her, he’s become so aware of Rey’s behaviors that this change didn’t slip up between them. He called it being a good man even though he wanted it to be about being a good husband to her. One day, he reminds himself. Ben nuzzles over her ear while holding Walton and asks Rey if she’s alright. 

“I think… I think…”

Vivian sees the exchange and moves toward Rey even though she isn’t on the clock offering her an extra set of hands so that Hope was safe while Rey did her assessment. She also has the wherewithal to excuse Finn, Rose and her parents from the room so that the couple had the privacy they desired for this matter. Her nurse was on the floor but given the group, she figured she would come back at another time. 

Without needing to do an examination, Vivian asks Rey clearly, “Do you want to see the lactation therapist now?”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t –it didn’t work last time; I never got this big before. Not with my first set.”

“But you are now. Your body is ready.”

Rey couldn’t argue with that. Her boobs felt like they were solid boulders threatening to create a rockslide. They were so full and so painful all Rey could think to answer was yes. Drain them, drain the fucking things. Make them floppy again. She remembers a day when she was trying on bras with Rose as a young adult saying one was about the size of a fist full of baby carrots and the other was half of an apple—maybe a granny smith, but that was her size. It was always so embarrassing when she was with the idiots she was with back then. But now? Now she had to explain to Ben who couldn’t take his eyes off of her, that her milk came in and it’s painful when her babies cry.

Ben’s face was on fire. His face burned miserably all the way up to the tips of his ears. He wanted to say something. Anything. But the more he tried, the more he failed. His words wouldn’t flow and was absolutely lucky that he didn’t drop his son in the process. 

When he could speak, he felt stupid. 

“Your milk came in? Like it was delivered to you?”

Rey who couldn’t help her reaction started giggling. She held her bandage over the incision to her and heaved short breaths through what she could call a laugh at the moment. 

“Please Ben,” she groaned. “Don’t make me laugh…”

He watches her as she presses her head back into the mattress. Her body is stiff, happening to notice just how solid she was. They were practically the size of both Hope and Walton’s heads put together. They barely moved aside from when she moved her body backward following what they were attached to, but that was it. 

“Let me call for your nurse and see if the specialist is in or can be in shortly. For now, do you think you can suppress some of the pressure out.”

Of course she knew what that meant but she never had to do it when they were overly full. Last time they were hard but there was breathing room. This time she felt like her boobs were down right strangling her. 

“Just work them gently,” Vivian says, while showing just above the fabric of her scrubs. “Apply some pressure from the top, then the sides of your breast and work it out all the way to your nipple and give it a good squeeze. It should relieve some pressure for you before she gets here.” Vivian tilts her head to the side. “Though, I would try keeping as much of it as you can… you are a little too hard to use the pump.”

Rey nods understanding this. 

“I can give you a bottle now if you want to try.”

“Its okay Vivian. Thank you. Really. I just don’t see myself being able to do this as well as most, and God, at home? I already have so many curious kids I—I just don’t see this happening.”

Vivian gives a polite, understanding smile and says, “Give them what you can now, and don’t worry about the rest. The future will come as God wills it.”

_____

Vivian’s words suck with Rey throughout the remainder of her stay. Suppressing her breasts came easier now. The specialist helped with latching and pumping after they ate. It was like a full time job but having the resource would be helpful. Switching to formula would be fine but could take some adjusting to especially with the issue of nipple confusion. 

Ben who has been a fit of giggles behind the scenes, knew what he needed to do. He could teach them when it became time to switch over. Briana taught him so much. It made him feel like he was more than just a pretty face. 

Rey’s recovery went smoothly. She was up and pressing her limits by the third day. She also convinced the nursing staff to take out her IV then too. She new she had to drink constantly without it and was fine with it even though making it to the bathroom and using it was still a big issue. 

Finn made sure to get the kids to visit her a couple of times in the hospital as well making sure that they got pictures of each one holding Hope and Walton, when Finn remembered to fish out a balled-up mess of tissue paper from his pocket. Doing his best to indiscreetly hand the item to Ben, Hudson shouts his question about it. 

“Dad are you giving your booger rags to Uncle Ben?!”

When the room shifts their attention to Finn and Ben, the two of them look like they’ve been caught. 

Finn mouths a single word of profanity and he’s called out on that too. 

How does he know what that is? Finn wonders. 

“Why did you say…”

“I didn’t,” Finn counters still handing the item to Ben 

“But you did! I saw your mouth move!”

“Hudson,” Rose warned. “Lower your voice. You aren’t the only person in here. Daddy didn’t mean what he said.”

“That’s right,” Finn added.

“So you DID say it…”

It sounded like the whole room groaned in exasperation.

“What’s that, Daddy?” Addy questions the white ball of tissue. 

She called him Daddy. 

It’s the first time she said it and because of it Ben couldn’t move. He couldn’t see anything around them but her and her curious look. His daughter… Addy… just recognized him for what he always wanted to be to her, to them… Ben blinks back tears and swallows hard in the process. “It’s a gift for Mommy, from all of us.”

Rey raises an eyebrow at him, but he doesn’t see it. Instead he lets Addy take it from him to deliver it to her mother on behalf of all of them. When Rey receives it, she lets her children and Hudson’s gigantic mitt remove the paper in a frenzy finding a medium sized, metal bangle bracelet with letter inlaid in it: BWAHAHA. 

He watches her face light up in a grand smile but does not understand it at all. 

“What is this?”

“The sound you make when you laugh.”

“I do not.”

“Yes you do…” Ben grins, “And it means so much more.”

Ben took the better part of an hour explaining and then reexplaining why they chose to shuffle it. Then why he chose Walton over his father Han.”

“You named our son after the creator of Star Wars so that his initial could be on a bracelet?” Rey asks with mirth. Her smirk confirmed that she is, in fact, amused, but challenges him to say it. She’s done it in the past before she got pregnant, with food… mostly food… and sodas, but mostly reacted this way when he took her chocolate. 

He did not know not to get between a woman and her chocolate then. 

He’s come a long way and knows it. 

Ben nodded confirming this was the only reason aside from the fact that he COULD NOT name their son Han because his mother would go crazy knowing she got Briana’s middle name and his father got his son’s first. “I would not live it down in my afterlife if they weren’t given equal parts.”

This, too, makes her laugh and can’t help but cry a little when she does. She kisses each of her kids and Hudson before she slides on her bracelet. As she chats with the kids, Ben checks in with Finn. 

“How are you holding up?”

“With what?”

“You know what.”

Finn gives a nervous smile before dropping his head with a sigh. 

“You know, I gave up on this. I figured I’d keep my door open but wouldn’t go out of my way to search for them anymore. I didn’t want to feel like I was failing myself or Hudson because of it. I have this brotherhood with you and the guys, and I’ve never felt as much peace as I felt before, but then this happens, and it throws my whole world upside down.”

Ben’s lips press into a firm line as he considers what his friend is saying. 

“I mean, I want to go back. I want to know what my life would have been like without this history… but then I wouldn’t have my family. You guys are my real family. My parents and sister?... It’s just going to take some time to get used to I guess.” Finn shuffles on his feet. “You know they were told by the same unit that delivered me to Care for Us that they didn’t know where I was? Or if they would ever know where I was?”

Ben knew he couldn’t possibly understand but let Finn continue. 

“The real kicker is that they didn’t even live far. They weren’t somewhere across the country…they were a few towns over! Vivian had a backpack made for her that advertised my picture,” Finn tries to stifle his disappointment in the system. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben pulls him in for a hug. They haven’t ever hugged but it was familiar, as if they always had. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about…I have my family, you guys and now them… it’s just… it’s just going to be a learning curve, that’s all.”

They were strong words for a guy like Finn, but he could manage. He always did.  
____

Coming home is interesting. Rey still has pain and while she is chomping at the bit to leave on her own will, she still has to be wheeled out of the hospital. It should be fun, being carted around and all, but she saw it as weakness, and Rey did not like being weak. Feeling eyes on her, she motioned to get up and walk herself out to the car alongside Ben and Finn who were carrying both Hope and Walton out to the car. 

“Just because you’re being released into the wild does not mean that you are allowed to be irresponsible,” Finn swats at her, missing intentionally.

Loading the van would be strange now. They had five kids in car seats, which means a lot of bobbing and weaving through the vehicle to get everyone squared away. Thankfully, Ben is on it. He has no issue with climbing in the back through the back hatch, making sure Anthony and Addy are buckled safely, before handling the side where Briana was added. Addy and Anthony now had the opportunity to be good to their sister for practice. Not that they thought they needed more strategies for good behavior around babies, but a star chart had been implemented to keep both Ben and Rey sane. 

Even four-year-olds could be big babies at times, the only difference now is that their bodies are bigger and because of it, they’re stronger. 

No one needed a tantrum in the way back. Especially not now that there was too little space for a third bucket seat on the first bench. Once everyone was in, every last thing was accounted for and Finn confirmed he would be meeting them home with Rose, Ben pulls away with his family in tow.

He had thought about it before, how utterly wonderful his life has become. It’s not just his biological family that’s spurring on this emotion. It’s everyone. Every last person that has touched his life up until now has left a lasting, meaningful impression. He’s able to see exactly what life is meant to be here and through the eyes of the children they’re helping. 

Home life has certainly changed. Rey’s recovery has been smooth and uneventful. A week after being home she got her staples out which he thought he wanted to see but shouldn’t have. Sure, they popped right out. Sure, she said they didn’t hurt. She didn’t feel them.

Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. 

It didn’t make it any easier to watch. They still, in his mind, were puncturing her skin. Some had pulled a little harder than others and even ripped scabs off, but she remained unaffected by it. Why was that? 

Several times he’d find her poking at herself above her scar mentioning how it was still numb and wondering if the second pregnancy did it or if it was just the second scar over top of the first.

This was not something he could deal with. How could she have no feeling there? Was that normal? Of course, every search he did had browsers trying to set him up with a malpractice lawyer, that is, until he remembers the motherhood page, he seemed to get all of his information from. This time it was no different. So many women confirmed it as normal. Some reported the feeling in that space never returning, while others noticed the opposite, able to feel slightly more than others.

Ben snorts at this... surely this is why it’s so hard to find an answer. 

Answers. What a funny concept. They were the life blood of the kid’s every waking hour, and yet, they had none. Some were fine, obvious, but others? Open ended questions? Oh, those we’re painful. They could go on for hours, and at the end of it, they only needed that spark to reappear just to start back up again. 

The fact of the matter was, there weren’t any answers. It was just life.

It was just Rey.

Well, not exactly. 

Just like any other time Ben had seen her she was always with people. Just like life and questions that followed, Rey was never alone. Rose was right to a point but what she was dealing with was on her own, wasn’t it? No one could feel what she was feeling. Not through the pregnancy. Not before. Not when they first met… not any of those times. The fact of the matter was, life had to play out for them. Ben wondered if this was the lesson… that in their senior years, looking back at it all, he would truly know what life was really about.

While some things might come from experience, going through life as they were was basically just handling the motions. The days and nights blended together... not that they hadn’t before but more that their numbers had multiplied. One kid could feel like fifteen and the days can feel like they’re sprinting just to keep pace...just ask Rose. Five could feel like a marathon just as well. Even with the help of the other kids and adults alike, Ben found parenting to be an endurance race. 

The end of February flew by and so did the majority of March. Once or twice did he notice the calendar changed or what the time was on any of the clocks in the kitchen, let alone his phone. Rey had healed and he was quite impressed with her progress. Although, she would tell him that it was mostly his devotion to her and their family that was making this so much more bearable this time around. Not to mention the foot massages he’d give her at the end of the night. He claimed it was good for her since she’d been up and down so much, but Rey knew different. Ben loved the way she would stop everything and give him attention. They didn’t usually have much time to themselves, but he would happily rub her feet if it meant she’d run her fingernails through his hair. Something about how the curve of her nail would flick through his hair follicles would sent tremors through his body, making him shake as if he was cold. The best though is her smile. She could light up cities with a smile like that. And if it were for him, well, he’d do anything to keep those moments as long as they were wonderful. 

There he’d ask her about her day and if there was anything, she needed even though he’d been at he side with one or multiple kids all day. Several times he offered her the chance to get away if she wanted it. Rey was doing quite well despite her c-section scar, she was given the all clear on driving again earlier than last time. Rey though, knew her limits, asking someone take her if they could spare the time.

Rose, when she wasn’t working offered even when Ben could have gone. “Lady business,” she said, and who was he to jump into that? Rose could run with an idea in the worst way. All she had to start doing was bring up a medical journal about womanly topics and Ben knew to stay away. 

Other times he just offered her the keys and to go sit in the car for an hour. On those days she was extra giving. She’d come back making sure that he got the same and better. She’d cook meals he liked and pursue him in ways he’d never seen from her before. Rey was his sweet nurse; nothing could change his mind he thought. That is, until it did. 

That’s not to say that they never argue. It’s true even the most compatible pairs deal in silent battles to keep the kids out of it. Exhaustion is mainly the root of it all. Ben has learned not to fall asleep on the living room floor or say something sarcastically just because his sugar is low, or he’s had just enough of being used as a barf bag. Several times Hope has been a little to giving in her spit up routines, unwilling to let the flow drain out of her into his back. That he could deal with. Briana had done the same... but Hope? No. Hope would cry after a feeding, turn her head into his neck, press it there until he could hardly breath, and then spew what had been bothering her under the collar of his shirt. Hence, barf bag. 

Rey would go until she collapsed, trying to make sure everyone’s needs were met. When she’d finally sit down for all of twelve seconds, just enough for her rear to meld with the fabric of whatever surface she sat on, she’d be asked for something. She’d look after him and them, rarely trying to take care of herself when she finally knew it was time. 

By May, she became an expert at pumping, making sure Ben or anyone else could feed them with a bottle. Rey had her limits and being a teething toy to two children became a big no. She also knew to go out. She needed to see the sun, she needed to be out in the ambiance of the day. She needed the chance to speak to someone not currently going through the chaos of her day. She needed someone that wouldn’t one up her issues with their own. Ben as good as he was would do it and it would drive her up a wall. It didn’t matter if it was about peeing too much, or her belly feeling odd, he could come back with a remark about her not being the only one, which irked her. Several times she threw in a comment or two about her blood flow even through she was breastfeeding and decidedly needed to go for an appointment to have it figured out when he rendered his own remark about needing something similar looked at. Rey cocked her head to the side and asked him to repeat it. When he couldn’t she made the connection that he was only doing it in response to her. This was either a game or the parroting their kids were up to. 

Later that night when she went to pump before bed, she went through her usual rituals, gently massaging each of her boobs when she tells him that her chest feels oddly hard. Almost too hard for her since she’d been consistent with her schedule, eating and drinking right, and all of that, when he does it again. 

“AHA!”

Ben looks at her oddly. 

“I just said that my boobs feel strange… like they’re too hard to pump, and you felt your own saying the same!”

Ben’s brow creases, blush begins to rush over his cheeks. 

“I did not,” he says weakly.

“You did too,” she leaves the chair, placing the shields next to the table where the pump itself sits. 

“Nope. That did not… nope. You’re hearing things.” Ben does is best to hide under his hair as he looks down at his chest.

Rey, who is cutting it close in terms of pumping, leaks slightly on her loose-fitting tee shirt which flutters around her as she moves. 

“You did so. I heard you,” she teases, climbing on to their bed. Listing the times that he’s done it before.

“You’re making that up. I have never once said I was bleeding from anything.”

“I can hear your exact words ringing in my head,” she crawls over the bed to him to put her face in his. “Do you want to hear exactly what you said?”

Ben pushes his lips together, shaking his head back and forth repeatedly. His hair hitting the sides of his face, his split ends acting as whips, stinging as he goes.

“I don’t…” he starts to promise her in a begging sort of way, “need to hear it.” His attention shifts to where she is, straddled over his hips, her face in his face, teasing him as she is. Her shirt’s stains grow as she leaks onto the soft cotton, but just as she’s always been, she doesn’t seem to care. In fact, Rey never seemed to care about any of the stains the kids gave her. They were badges of honor, except of course, when someone blew their nose on her. That… that she could live without.

“I’m pretty sure you do,” Rey leans forward that much more when he seals his lips against hers, promising he didn’t. His warm hands find her sides just under her shirt.

“They’re borderline engorged. Be…be gentle.”

“I’m always gentle, aren’t I?”

Rey grins at him as he works her shirt over her head. 

“Not always…”

“I think you’re confused.”

“You’re the one that’s confused. You said you had your period this morning after I—ow!” 

Ben rubbed his thumb over her nipple, inadvertently squeezing a stream of milk from her, shooting him on the side of his face as if pelting him sure and true. 

His face contorted at the feel of it. Her boob packed a punch. 

“Do you shoot our kids with that force?”

“Do you hear yourself?” Rey snorts through her fit of giggles giving Ben the upper hand. 

_____

Much of the summer had been spent on making sure the kids got to their appointments, Hope and Walton’s sleeping schedules, feedings which weened around August because Rey’s body was no longer capable of it. The stress of it was no longer helping her either. Sleep became something she craved far more than eating and it showed. Plus everything as well as making sure someone was always checking in on the teens dried her up.

Birthdays came and went and each time one of the teens offered to cook while others would watch the babies so the adults could have soccer time. Tradition, Ben remembers is what they called it.

Soccer, as Ben came to notice, was of the most freeing times that they ever had together. It was better than a date where they sat in the car stressing about going home or what tomorrow would hold. Instead they chased a ball. He wonders if this was what they did when stress was high and there patience was low, if it helped blow of steam or if it didn’t help with these things at all. 

Rey rarely played now though. There were five and while she loved them all individually, five came with a toll. While her doctors believed that she bounced back and well, Rey didn’t seem to have the energy to even want to play a game. And just as often as it would happen, the others seemed to offer more time to her to let her take care of herself, shortening or ending games. 

It wasn’t what she planned on, but just as before she knew she needed to talk to Amylin. 

And so, she did. 

Rey went without the little ones and without him. That alone, stung. He wanted to marry this girl, and she… she didn’t need him for this. 

Rey started going to Amylin every other week, needing to just talk to another person. Her mood wasn’t foul, and she certainly wasn’t depressed, but something was off. Maybe it was just exhaustion. Maybe she was just tired of the day in and day out constant care, or maybe… the questions stopped flowing and she had no answers. The fact of the matter was she felt like she was at a standstill. Ben hadn’t been interested in being out with her, that was apparent. The ring meant for her finger still didn’t quite fit and there was no way in hell she would tell him Rose had to take her to a jeweler to cut it off when she tried to wear it three months ago. That was their little secret. Although, he would have found out if she came home fingerless. She was however finding a disconnect from him and was tired of feeling put to the side. Five kids or not, this was going to be figured out. He could go if he wanted…like the others. Rey’s heart hurt as she stepped into Amylin’s office, but be it as it may, she knew she loved him enough to set him free if that’s what he wanted. 

______

“Where’s Rey?” Finn asks as he enters the living room just off of the kitchen.

Ben shrugs, handling yet another diaper. The very thing she said makes a man a good father. 

“Amylin’s,” Angie calls from the kitchen. She had been called to watch them, just in case they were too much for either of the guys. 

“Again?” Finn questions.

“She goes every other week. Obviously, something is bothering her just to do that. Don’t act like you don’t know.”

Ben’s brow creases and he puts Walton back in his seat next to his sister. 

“Did she just…” he whispers the start of his question.

“Adult like Rose? I heard it too.”

“And so did I.” Angie spooks the two of them. 

“When did you turn into an adult?” Finn squeezes out his question. 

“I was an adult before Ben came around, Finn. Probably sooner than even that too.”

It was true. Their lives before Ben hardened them. They grew up. It was a known fact.

“Do you know what it’s about?” Ben asks.

“Let me counter your question with mine,” she says. “Besides the obvious...” she waves her hand in front of her face, “How do you show my sister love?”

Ben’s stomach drops, completely uncomfortable with having this discussion with a twenty-year-old so he silently watches Angie as she comes to another question. 

“Feeling love and being promised love are two different things. She obviously loves you…but this time in her life… where she’s had children is where most parents make it or break it. Take it from us… we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t true.”

_____

Ben thought long and hard about that. He was good to her he thought. He did everything she asked, they sat together as they had, tonight Rey sits opposite him giving him a chance at a foot rub and he could do the same. It was different. Everything felt odd in some way or another, but she stood by him, never once asking him to leave. 

Their beautiful kids grew again. Addy and Anthony seemed just tall enough to get wacked with her elbows if she turned just so. Briana was toddling more comfortably, and Hope and Walton were mastering solid foods. Well, pureed food and some softer foods like pinched banana pieces or boiled carrots. Anything that could be overly soft and chewable with the several teeth their kids had between them.

The more they grew the more he could spot out their features. Both had eyes like Rey’s, beautifully hazel, slightly lighter than their thin, soft, brown hair. He’s pretty sure they have his lips, which he can’t stop hoping they grow into. Walton lucked out to not having his ears, but he couldn’t help but wonder if Hope did. They weren’t huge, but they were slightly bigger than Walton’s which made him feel awful for her. Do they resize ears? They seem to resize everything else.

The thought keeps him focused on them as Rey gets her things together to go again for Amylin’s. Just noticing the pain on her face when she regards him makes him reach for her. 

“Rey, I…”

“I’ll be back in an hour. Unless you want something from the store…”

“No. I mean. I don’t need anything,” he brings her into a hug. “I just need you.”

Roses phone buzzes loudly, humming and shouting an old song he remembered hearing in high school. Each of the four times the phone repeated itself, Ben held Rey closer. That was it, he thought. This is how he would show her, claiming the song as theirs to himself.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I hope you dance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaybohls, you help me bring this story to life with your fancy mood boards, cupcake. I cant tell you how happy these make me! 
> 
> To all of you that have read this story, thank you! It's been such a fun journey and all of the support this fic has gotten has been overwhelmingly wonderful to say the very least. This chapter winds down the story between Ben and Rey. And thanks to FromTheBoundlessSea I have already started writing Hudson's life, what makes him tick, and his life's story as the first epilogue of six. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy the peek into their lives which will be posted as I get them done (like always). 
> 
> Thanks and love you all :) <3 <3

[](https://ibb.co/sw3LsWj)

All through the summer Ben did all he could to correct her pain, holding her more, hugging, touching, he was borderline clingy, just to remind her that she had him. He asked her things to get her to think about their future just so that he could hear her dream. 

“When do you?... I mean... I’m not... I don’t want to push or anything,” he tries to start this conversation with her in broken whispers now that Hope and Walton we’re finally asleep.

The two of them offer the other an arm through the slats of their crib to be close to the other. It must be nice to be a baby, Ben thought about this on a daily basis. Throw a fit, get it taken care of and it’s over. No added drama just stink eyes and stomping feet until said problem is fixed and they can go back to being close not even twenty minutes later.

Right now, Walton’s hand is resting on Hope’s binky and he knows this will end in a tragedy if said comforting chew toy is removed from Hope’s mouth. Having five children has taught him a few things. The most important one of all... well, no, the second most important thing of all is to never wake a sleeping baby. Never—when they’re old enough to sleep through a feeding time without being starved that is. 

In the beginning with Briana this was a practice he had to keep in line. He woke her from the rest she needed to first make sure she was still alive. Had he of known that sleeping through the three-hour schedule far into the next hour was normal he would have waited. Being the fact that no one really told him what to expect, he did a lot of this learning on his own. Waking her up to eat only made sense.  
She didn’t like that. 

There were times she didn’t quite need to eat but looked terrifyingly still. During those times of panic, he did his best to check her without waking her.

He thought he was being careful. Each time he would tuck his hair behind his ears to hold it back when he’d bend down to listen. At one point he believed his parents were playing pranks on him from the great beyond because as he carefully listened for her exhales, a large section of it would flop down on to into her face waking her immediately. Those were some of the most sleepless nights of his life. In desperation, back then of course, he would try anything to keep it back, too. He tried paper clips as Bobby pins—that barely worked. Paper clamps were worse. Each try at it failed until he figures out how close he should place his hand next to her mouth to feel the air come out instead of watch for it. 

Of the things Ben learned about were normal parenting things like feeding, letting Briana sleep if that’s what she needed, dealing with attack mode when he woke her against her will and more. Watching Hope and Walton hold on to each other at now six months of age isn’t quite as scary to him now as it may have been back then. 

This, he thinks, is growth. He’s grown. He believes it. It’s not just his parenting styles, it’s everything, him as a human has grown. He smiles at the thought remembering her back then, when Rey first truly let him in. 

“I’m just a human being a human.”

Isn’t that the case? The more time they spent together, the more he realized that he didn’t have to be the lone wolf, the only one that took care of himself. He found that family looked out for each other, and now more than everything he’s given of himself he finds that giving back to Rey is of the utmost importance. 

Her soft breath blows through his arm hair as he cuddles beside her is what brings him back from his wandering thoughts. Rey doesn’t ask what’s on his mind right away. She’s heard it all before. He’s nervous about getting married. The concept sort of scares her too. Being bound to one person for the rest of her life seemed odd at first. No one was truly connected to her except for her kids, and even then, one day, they would grow up and leave the nest, leaving her in the process. But there was that little bit of hope she had that they would never forget her that she held on to.   
Now? Now there’s Ben, Briana, Hope and Walton that have made their ways into her life. What is at stake now is more than she could imagine. The seven of them in total have each other now, but what if they didn’t? What if he came to his senses and left? These questions along with some of her own postpartum came back. The fact of the matter is her ever pressing issue of being alone… and talking about marriage was certainly never something that truly came up more than once in a relationship she had years ago. 

Would all of this have mattered back then? Could it have snuck its way back into her life? The thought of being left again really isn’t something that she believed she would ever truly kick. But she’s here now, and the ever-pressing interest Ben is showing keeps prying at her. It’s sweet, in a way… well a lot of ways, but it’s still scary. 

Instead of answering him she’s relaxing in the silence of the room. Night had come and so had sleep for their teething babies, Briana included. She would think being that they are twins, they would get their teeth at the same times or in the same places, but that too was not the case. Walton started with his bottom to teeth, while Hope started with her I9s, some of the most painful teeth to get besides the molars—and she is not quiet.

Hope has lungs. 

She could shout for hours and bring the pain. It’s still amazing to her how different she is from her sister Addy. In fact, Anthony and Addy were the only ones that matched in teething so far. They both got the same teeth at the same time. They both had an obsession with gnawing on the side bar of their cribs, chipping paint as they succeeded. Briana, as far as they knew would constantly roll her tongue over her teeth all day, chapping her lips in the process. As far as Rey knew, they didn’t make Chapstick for babies, so they did their best with Vaseline.

The very fact that the three of them are sleeping, all acclimated to the sounds of the air conditioner over the last few months is amazing. The unit she has is old to say the least. It sounds like a jet engine is attached to the house when it’s on. At times she would even pretend she was flying it alongside Finn and Ben, joking about how they were going to punch it to light speed.

Tonight though, snuggling over top of his arms looped around her and folded just under her chin, she can feel his warmth, the significant cool air blowing in and the thick humidity of the late summer’s night, she can finally breathe.

“Ben?” she whispers.

“Uh, yeah?” Ben clears his throat trying to calm himself for whatever it is she asks of him. 

“When do you want to get married?” her voice is just above a whisper, just loud enough to combat the aggressive cycle of the air conditioner.   
He can’t help to clear his throat again, hoping that he wasn’t suspected of wanting to ask her again. 

“Whenever you want, and not because it’s the man’s thing to say either,” he rushed out.

“It’s still too hot for the kids to be out during the day and it’s humid at night,” she started.

In his mind he deflected to wanting to have answers to that. It didn’t have to be fancy. The kids could be dressed in light and darkly colored swimsuits, lathered in sunscreen and hidden from the sun under canvas umbrellas that they bought on purpose to protect the kids.  
“I was thinking maybe we could play it by ear. Maybe just pick a day based on the weather?”

“So, the date itself doesn’t bother you or mean anything?” he countered.

“Not really. It shouldn’t be on someone’s birthday because I suppose that’s not fair to them…”

“But not to me. It would be the greatest gift, marrying you on my birthday.” 

To that she rolled over to face him. He could see a multitude of emotions working themselves over her brow between the moments it took her to face him and ask her next question.

“Do you mean that?”

“You give me peace, Rey. Love, a family to enjoy, but nothing could make me happier than to grow old with you. It doesn’t matter the day, like you said, but if you really want to freeze with an outdoor wedding, I would be more than ecstatic to marry you on my birthday.”  
It’s fair to say that she never expected that sort of response from anyone, but Ben isn’t anyone. He’s hers.  
“November it is. Rain or shine, Mr. Solo.”

Ben’s smile spread quickly. It may not be tomorrow, but at least he has time to plan for it now. Two months, but still it’s time. He’d have it catered, that much he knew. He also kept lists of the food she liked and steered clear form like mushrooms. Rey had no problem cooking them or skating them around on her plate but eating them, oh, that was another story. Hudson had even asked Rey if she liked them once after Michael had made their meal. He remembers her response being somewhere along the lines of they’re just too interesting to eat, which threw him into a free-for-all when he decided he could now opt out of eating vegetables that were placed in front of him using her response.

Usually Hudson would eat anything, except for celery and lima beans, but now? Thanks Auntie Rey! Now he’s stripped his diet of all things nutritious to only be interested in corn, creamed corn, pees, and sliced carrots. 

Perfect.

Ben, in terms of planning the actual wedding, knew about the whole traditional colors being important to his mother, as if she needed to follow some age-old way of doing things. He knew Rey wanted it to mean something... but following a textbook to this seemed unnatural to her. She believed that what she chose was a reference to her life and a step into her new one with him by her side. He knew that she was doing this for their daughters and their extended family, wanting to open their minds to let them know how freeing love could be and that they too would find their happily ever after their own way.

He moves to pull her closer, nuzzling in his nose in her hair, whispering, “It’s a date.”

____

The end of summer came with a couple of tropical depressions hitting the state which kept their crew indoors for most of the month, besides having to go to school or to practice, or even to the Solo house. Maz would encourage the kids to come over for afterschool snack and homework to breakup their afternoons. It was mostly used as a way for her to stay within the loop, especially when it was horrendous outside. As always, she claimed it kept her young.

Anthony and Addy started Kindergarten and Rey found herself fighting the school to get them to be placed together in the same class. She did not need Addy’s night terrors coming back. Not now. Not when her ducks were finally sitting in a row. She acknowledged Ben as her father which was a huge step for the girl. In doing that she seemed to calm down knowing that he was going to stay. He promised and, in her world, Daddy would keep his promise.

Anthony kept on his best behavior, participating in class, not shitting himself or losing his mind, and best of all, he was wonderful at drop off so long as Ben and Uncle Finn were there to pick him up. It mattered that it was them. He could feel like one of the guys. That concept to a boy that got his most prized wish was the greatest feeling in the world. “One of the guys, with my Dad...”

Hudson started second grade and within the first month Rose had already received calls home about Hudson sassing off. It wasn’t the case at all. The woman was older and had no patience for a smart little boy to take her to school on what she was teaching that hour. His hand shot up more than any other kid’s in his class. His behavior started to waiver based on their responses to him though. That’s what got him in trouble. Hudson hated it when the teacher would roll her eyes at him and ask another half-witted child in the class before ever looking back at him. The worst, however, was her sigh. That huff of air was a slap in his face. It wasn’t his fault they were so far behind or that the teacher’s information was just out of date. It really wasn’t. 

Today Rose is at the beginning of her shift, strangling her phone as if she could physically harm the woman on the end of the line. Her nails bite into her flesh on the other hand as she grits out, “Don’t you think you’re a little too old to be a teacher if you can’t learn with him?”

Boy did that start a wildfire. In all of one month the school put him through testing, clearing him to move up to the fourth grade against Rose’s wishes. That set Hudson up for possible failure not being one to take criticism easily. The boy had issues with all types of things. Rules and schedules mostly. If they had assemblies in other grades, he lost his mind because he wouldn’t be sticking to the schedule. While that irritated other teachers, none of them gave him a hard time about it knowing Rose would lose her shit. They all knew Hud had no filter and if anything was a rye, his parents would know about it.

Usually his stories were random. No start or ending, the bits and pieces he would start with were out of order and hang over the deep end of his mother’s rage for whom ever hurt her son’s feelings. No one had that right. Rose would decipher what was real and fake in an instant. The books they would read would get his imagination going to the point where she just knew when his story was his own or stemmed from something that happened on paper. She was quick to ask questions prompting him to figure out how to express what he felt and why he did. It was part of her job. Babies can’t speak but educating the parents in the NICU became her job too. Caring enough to communicate helped her practice her skills enough to combat Hudson’s, which on most days even she felt too weak to do so.

Fourth grade is something else entirely though. A group of boys exclude him, while cliques begin to form into tight circles. There are two girls that talk to him at drop of, Finn reported, and a couple kids that talk to him on the way out of school too. 

“I can’t be sure if he was given an entourage because of the grade shift or if they’re really his friends,” says Finn over the phone.  
“I guess only time will tell,” Rose adds.  
Briana lost some of her baby face resembling Bazine which Ben can’t be sure if it’s a good thing or a bad one. It’s not entirely bad, just another memory of the piece of his life he lost all over again. Amylin referred to this as the beginning. That Briana’s changes can be looked at as steps forward into the unknown. 

“You may still feel pain for this, Ben, but Briana is doing all of the work. She has you but think of what she lost to be here. There will be a time when she realizes this and will want answers. What do you think answering her inquiries with your pain will do to her? You’re the man that took her in, that loved her unconditionally. What do you think it will do to her to answer her in such a way that makes her question who she is?”

Amylin was right. He had to get that under control. Briana is already one, a little more than five months shy of two, which meant he only had sixteen years left with her before she could find out. If that, actually. What if she wanted to know sooner? It’s not like it would be a surprise that the question would come sooner based on her darker complexion and features alone. They didn’t look alike. But then again, none of them did. Maybe it would be okay.

Hope has been on the move lately. Seven months meant nothing to her. She would inch around on her face when her arms were too tired to help, just to be part of the kid’s space. Ben had created a tummy time play space with chairs and blankets that both Anthony and Addy were drawn to. They just couldn’t leave it well enough alone, their bodies flopping around inside the human petting zoo. He can’t remember how many times he’s asked them to sit or caught a wild hand or foot before Finn gets back, calling everyone out for snack. 

Ben notes the quick action of his oldest set of twins shoving each other to get over the blanket fence faster than the other, running alongside Briana who hopped over to the kitchen with them. When she would get excited, she would climb or make loud thumping sounds with her feet. Eventually Briana figured out jumping and had been doing it for attention ever since she started walking.   
Jumping is fun. 

It gets her attention and smiles and best of all straight juice from Uncle Finn. 

Life is working out.

Walton remained in his bumbo seat surrounded with cardboard books he especially liked to gnaw on. Of his favorites were the ones with the finger puppets stuffed through the center. They’re easy to hold and best of all, don’t make that obnoxious crinkling sound. The boy sits just fine in his chair as if he’s in the best armchair money can buy. Even with his thick thighs, he still puts up with the struggle to get into it whenever he sees it.  
After dinner, they take their three youngest in the van while Addy and Anthony ride with Hudson and his parents in their car, traveling only for the sake of being outside to an extent. Rey remembers the first time she took Ben on one of these, smiling as she does. He had been so wound up about basic childcare that he couldn’t accept her comfort. It was when she knew that he needed something else… something freeing… but wasn’t ready to let him out on his own yet. It feels weird remembering this now, knowing the man she has next to her, driving their van, once wasn’t hers. 

Today they ride together in the light rain picking new routes where they can go twenty-five an under, scooping up Pokemon and site points along the way. Rey holds both phones trying to catch them all since her children’s hands are all in Hud’s car. They converse about what they have on Paw Patrol walkie talkies they usually use between houses at Maz’s and the Solo house to keep from interrupting the game. Unsurprisingly the range on those things come and go but each time Ben hears a garbled squeal, he can only imagine that they got the next best thing in terms of critters. A creature design amused Rey once or twice. The first being what looked almost like a bird with cloud wings… and the second, Ben wanted to guess was a tiki figure made out of an inside out coconut. His concepts didn’t make calming the kids any easier, but this ride was more about helping the two of them.

“So,” Rey starts, trying to control the flick of her index finger to throw the red and white ball forward to catch some squirrel looking creature. “It’s the middle of October,” she misses, putting the phone down in her lap. 

“And?”

“I was wondering how you wanted to go about this…ceremony thing. I’ve been looking at the way people do it and it just seems too over the top for me and what we can realistically afford.” 

Ben, who had been planning this since the moment she agreed to a date, told her not to worry.

“What do you want out of this?”

Silence.

It’s as if she didn’t think about what she wanted, instead of what a Pinterest wedding would look like for her budget. 

“Honestly,” she pauses but he can sense no hesitation in her answer. “I have what I want. All I’ve ever needed or will ever need are with me already.”  
“So, the rest of it can be whatever you want.”

“Whatever we want,” she assures him. 

Throughout the ride they continue talking about what they could do, stopping only to capture some of the oddest-looking creatures the game could have possibly put out.

____

Indian summers were known to stick around well into October and this year seemed to be just as comfortable as last. Sunsets fell into leaves that carried on the color of the warmth even when the skies were grey. It is this part of fall that Ben loves the best. Maple trees looked like they held Doritos instead of leaves with the near neon orange colors that mixed between that and the red they were meant to become layered with the fully yellow larches that lined the street brightly. Every year he hoped the color would stay for long enough to enjoy on his birthday but even in his travels he had no such luck. This year, he thinks, this year it will be different. This year it’ll hold out for them.

Sure, enough the weather kept up, dipping slightly to match the change in season. Seventies dropped to sixties and further by the time Halloween came. Leaves had since began to rain from their branches covering the ground in an ongoing mess that was far safer than the ever-plenty acorns that fired themselves at the ground with such force several had dented the hood of Finn’s truck, broken mugs that had been left out on the deck and pushed their ways far enough into the earth below the very roots that gave them life to begin with. It was a battle just to enjoy sitting outside at times. If the wind blew just right, it signaled everyone to run for it.

During the change, Maz had Angie, Tanal, and Addy over for play dates, separating them from the boys who had been testing out the teasing methods they’ve been learning this year. Rose was on it but there really was only so much she could do while at home. Ben and Finn were in planning mode, keeping a lot from “mouth” and Anthony, which they found was beginning to backfire. As Anthony began to realize that Addy was getting something without him, life got harder.

The girls spent time with Addy, braiding her hair each of the days that the went to see Maz to see which she liked the best for Mommy and Daddy’s special day.

“The days is special for all’s us,” Addy assures Angie and Tanal.

“You’re right!” Maz pats the little girl on her shoulder asking her to stand and follow her. “Each of you will have something special to remember this day, and I have just the thing for it.”

Angie and Tanal’s brows creased not knowing what she meant. Neither of the girls even had a dress for such a fancy affair and Rey assured them that they were perfect as they were, giving no interest in making them feel like they had to go out of their way to save for an outfit they may never use again. 

“My eyesight is going on me,” she chuckles, adjusting her goggle thick glasses once more over her eyes to look through the bifocal lens. “But, yours is still perfect. I see it in how quick you move to pick up the smallest things to keep the kids safe. It’s why I know you’ll be quite capable for this task.”

Angie moves to speak but Addy jumps ahead asking what she means.

“I have a stash, you see, in my younger years, I lived by the saying, ‘Always a bridesmaid…never the bride’.” Her wedding band sparkled in the sunlight of her bedroom window as she reached for the door holding her horde.

Angie and Tanal knew to stand back as it wasn’t their place to jump right in but Addy? She was all in for princess gowns. There were all types too. Everything from rhinestones married with lace to flowing silk that practically painted the inside of the closet in every color.  
“How many were you in?” Angie asks quietly.

“Twenty-six.”

“What?!” both girls looked shocked although the proof was just feet away from them.

Her sigh was heavy, but her heart was full explaining the very first one was to accompany the sister of the man she loved dearly to his wedding, who had married to someone else. “They’re happy and that’s what matters but it certainly started my streak,” she laughs. “I wasn’t afforded the right to go to college, it was mostly for boys you see, but when I met my husband, he was still in the navy and not interested in settling down. It wasn’t an easy life, but I learned to make the best of it and somehow stayed within his circle. I became the fall back brides made for a lot of the women on the base.” Maz nodded at the last one she wore before it was her turn, a simple sleeveless plum colored dress with a modest slit and the finest lace she’d ever seen filled the long dip connecting the back together. “This is the one that finally got his attention and once I had it…that was it.”  
Maz shifted the ring on her finger once more as the weight of her small stone slipped around her dainty finger, regaining herself from her dreamy state.

“I have some forms in the basement, Tanal, if you would be so kind to get two of them and books for designs are on the bookcase down there too Angie. My sewing machine is just in the next room.”

Tanal looks up at Angie asking her if this is okay when Maz adds, “I’m not getting any thinner. My kids gave me enough extra weight I’d be lucky to wear some of these like infinity scarves so let’s go already.”

_____

The morning of, Rey woke with a start feeling all types of nerves take over. Ben wasn’t in bed but none of their kids were up. None of them, she finds herself saying again. So, where is he?

Being at the Solo house the night before their wedding was an odd concept to Rey. They had their family routine to deal with and three of them we’re absolute busters when it came to giving up, not to mention the babies.

She half expected to have her people boycott her every word simply because they weren’t home. Instead, Hope and Walton did fine in their pack n plays, Briana, slept soundly on a single mattress on the floor that they held onto in the event that they needed to set up a new sleeping space for a newcomer. The very thought makes Rey shutter with exhaustion. Bed training was just as bad as potty training, without, of course, the potting.  
Carefully getting out of the one they used, Rey did her best not only to not make a sound on the mattress but also to make it through the room without touching a bed. The smallest touch is like sounding the alarms, waking every child. Some nights she could prove her “spider web” theory. She could move slightly, and they’d all wake up, but a thunderstorm could rumble over the house, even shake it and they wouldn’t care. 

What is up with that?

Not today.

Rey is out of the room leaving the door wide open for her return the moment one of them makes a peep.

Just like hers, the rooms are quiet with sleeping children inside them, even the room Addy, Anthony and Hudson are sharing with Angie and Tanal is quiet which makes her that much more aware. Rey listens for any activity. Anything to suggest he’s still here and didn’t run.

There’s nothing but silence upstairs. Her feet and awful thoughts in her mind concocting betrayal whisper awful thoughts as she rounds the banister leading her down the stairs and into the kitchen.

God, the thought of him running hurt. They all ran. Maybe he did too. But… Briana was still here. He would never leave her. Even the thought of that hurt. Picking a child over her… as petty as it sounded the guilt from the thought remained. Was she jealous of the girl? Was she not as important?  
Rey blinked back her tears hoping none of it was true and that they were still a happy hopeful family loving every moment that they were together just like the ones in fairy tales. It’s then when she sees lights flicker in the darkness right before dawn. Her brow knits together trying to figure out what would be so bright in the kitchen window. When she approaches, she sees Finn and Ben working out cords on a long plug she thought they only used with computers at work. Her hand drops to the windowsill, registering the clunk of the metal band he promised her forever with.   
The sound resonates with her.

He promised.

He’s still here.

And so, she watches as they figure out their setup, fitting just one more plug in their row before turning on the surge protector. Both men slap their hands together, proud of their accomplishment. Light bulbs both medium sized and tiny hang thoughtfully over the deck, lighting it just so, making it look like he carved out a piece of the night sky to give to her.

Her mind drifts back to their time together wondering if it was a thought based on all of the past wishes she’d pull from him. Since the moth, she’d pointed at pennies in parking lots, pulling him down to the pavement so he could pick them up, gaining whatever luck he needed throughout his day. She remembers pointing out the first star at night and even Venus in the chilliest winter mornings, telling him that it’s the last star he’d see besides the sun to wish on before his day started. 

Never in any of her relationships did she feel such a pull to another person. It seemed surreal but natural.

As the rosy colors of dawn kissed the clouds above the horizon it gave off her position. Two pairs of eyes fell upon her, both with blissful smiles for very different reasons. Rey tried to look away, to look busy, but she couldn’t. She was trapped. Trapped in a time where everything made sense. Where love could glow as awesomely as stars at night. Where her family was supportive… but more importantly, they were there.

The two of them settled with what they had accomplished and made their way back into the house. Finn washed up, beginning breakfast for the full day they were about to have while Ben led Rey back to bed. 

“It couldn’t wait?” she whispered, amused that he’d get up that early to make sure ever bulb lit up. 

“If it means you’ll smile, no. Nothing that makes you happy should wait.”

____

Addy is the first to rise, winning against everyone including the babies, but most impressively, Hudson. Hud is the house alarm. Once his eyes are open, his mouth is going. She slips out of bed making sure she doesn’t wake anyone but the girls. There was princess stuff to do and every moment she slept; she knew she was missing out on it.

Tanal had shown a real skill in sewing. She used the sewing machine and patterns with ease, making all of the ladies’ dresses, including Rose and Maz’s. There was only work left to do for tulle skirts for Briana and Hope. The guys were to wear dress shirts and slacks that Gwen had purchased to keep Rey from knowing. 

Rey herself thought reasonably about the concept of a dress she would only wear once and outside for that matter. Feeling silly buying a six-hundred-dollar dress, Rey found an ivory colored, lacy long sleeve a line dress that hugged her curves, flaring out at the hips giving way for better movement online and hoped for the best. Her initial thoughts were that it was a smaller amount and she wouldn’t feel half as guilty as she did with the thought of buying something, she felt beautiful in. There is still diapers and formula to worry about buying, she reminds herself.

Around ten, the girls finish up their ribbon tied bouquets of red carnations, baby’s breath and black-eyed Susan’s, another one of Gwen’s special touches. She’s at Maz’s helping the girls clean up, bringing all the forms but one back down to the basement. Rose arrives a short time later breathing a sigh of relief that Hudson is with the guys.

“Oh! You all look so beautiful!” Rose exclaims, taking it all in. 

Tanal’s fingers are bandaged from poking herself with pins a few times last night but other than that she had finished what most designers would call a line. Hers is a burning orange scoop neck concept that drooped fabric from her shoulders down a little less than where a sweetheart neckline would fall, perfect for her age Maz added while she went through the design book. The dress flows freely down to her ankles and ties at the hip with a silk bow with long tails hidden by the natural movement of her skirt. While she thought of sleeves, she nixed the idea thinking of how she could alter this once again into something a little more summery and future usage.

For Angie, Tanal went for strapless, winking at her friend that someone could lend her a jacket if she was feeling cold. Her dress is burgundy, a shade darker than the flowers in their modest bouquets, stopping at mid-thigh, hugging her curves like a “little black dress” would. Tanal had the wherewithal to add another piece of fabric to the top, hanging just long enough to cover her chest just so, hiding the telltale signs of her uncooperative strapless bra underneath.

Rose, while in love with her handiwork, waved Angie over, pulling her into the bathroom telling her that they would fix that mess of a contraption. 

“We are going to tape you up,” she says trying desperately to sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Don’t’cha wanta see my dress too, Auntie Rose?” Addy asks carefully through the door. 

“Yes, honey, I do. I’ll be out in just a minute.”

Even through the excitement at Maz’s Addy hears the door open one last time and its Mommy with Hope and Briana. Her eyes widen looking around the room with two excited babies ready to be on the move. This is not the kind of excitement she expected today.

Standing before her in the sea of legs is her beautiful young lady, Addison Marie. Addy’s dress is a lovely mix of the two dresses Tanal made for herself and Angie, a boat neck for Addy scoops just low enough to curve coming to a pinch at her shoulders binding the fabric together there. The lavender fabric edged in lace cover her in two organic flowing layers before flowing out naturally down to her toes. She, too, has a bow like Tanal’s and sleeves like Angie’s as well as enough tulle underneath to put Cinderella to shame.

“Honey! You look beautiful!” Rey released Briana to toddle over to Maz while Gwen took Hope in to go change. Being free of children in her arms she outstretched hers to her first daughter, pulling her in for a wonderful hug. “You are beautiful with or without the dress, Addy.”

Her little girl patted her mother on the back of her head telling her that would be gross. 

“I have to weared clothes, Mommy. I is a lady.”

Rey huffed a laugh, nodding and wiping her tears away.

“Yes, baby, you are.

“Why is you crying?” Addison holds onto Rey’s hair on either side of her face keeping them nose to nose.

“They’re happy tears, baby.”

“Will I cry happy tears, Mommy?”

“You will someday, Addy. Someday someone’s going to give you their world and only good will come from it. On that day baby, you’ll have your happy tears.”

Rose emerges from the bathroom with Angie and they all catch up with Rey who is blubbering on the floor from the surprise of all of this. They’ve managed to make skirts and little tops for Hope and Briana. Rey made comments that they would need to photograph them all to start her portfolio.  
“I know its early yet, but you could apply to a quality university with your talent Tanal.”

She blushes in response not knowing if this is the way that she wants to go.

“Maybe, I still have two more to reveal and then maybe I’ll feel better about it.”

“Two more?” Rey questioned. 

“Rose’s,” Rey looks around the room noticing that everyone, including Maz, is dressed, “and yours.”

“Mine?” her question is just above a whisper.

The girls all nod excitedly. Rose squeals with delight wanting to go now.

“I just need your dress quick. The one you came with,” Tanal gestures at Gwen who also managed to pry it from her as she grabbed Hope. “Why don’t you try yours on, Rose, while I finish this up for Rey.” The girl sounds assertive, which is new for her.

“You got it boss!” Rose agrees, pulling Rey into the room they pointed to. Addy hurried up to rush in too, informing the women she looked up to how they went about this whole project.

Rose’s dress is gorgeous, again sticking to a theme of a boat neck, long sleeves that in this design have slits, one for each arm, up the center to the crease of her forearm. A wide black band is set at her waist, but this one did not have a bow, instead it was a bold statement showing Rose’s personality through and through. Her dress is soft slate color, unlike the showy colors the girls had, Angie knew Rose’s role and because of it opted to match her and her presence dutifully. Again, this is a longer dress, stopping just at her ankles, which is perfect, because damn it all if she had to sink in heels in the soft grounds of the Solo backyard. That, she knew, would not be a pretty sight. Rose knew it was flats or nothing –like those Nerf commercials.

Rey was the same way. She bought ballet flats that had the same sort of swirling lacy design over top of the toe. The girl had a plan, things she wanted to do today, and heels nor bare feet were going to get it done the way she wanted.

Being that the girls now had the practice, Tanal finished her design for Rey quiet smoothly. She attached the skirt that she used the majority of the tulle she sewed lace to in layers creating a line skirt complete with a slip that flowed with the remainder of the skirt itself too. Behind her it flowed off the back into a small train that Rey was sure she’d never be able to clean but it was all too much for her to think about. The girls made her a dress. They made themselves dresses. They… they… they made her so proud Rey began to weep.

___

Getting the boys ready should have been simple. Should have being the operative words. 

Alright, so it wasn’t the house they usually got dressed in, Ben could give them that, but the fact of the matter was they only had a few things to put on. Thankfully Rian, Michael and Jeffery were completely capable of dressing themselves. Ben rolls his eyes at having to help twenty-year old’s figure out how to wear a bow tie, he was going to go nuts. So far, it’s been “I can’t find my sock”, “Walt’s eating my shoe!”, “Hudson’s talking my pants…” he actually had to stop to find out what the hell Anthony meant by that. Sure enough, Hudson had Anthony’s pants and were making the legs talk to each other behind a chair like he was creating a puppet show.

It could have been funnier if they didn’t wait until the last second to get them ready.

Maybe the girls were on to something.

They had to be. 

They just seemed to have a body clock set to their children’s needs. It’s not exactly like Ben and Finn don’t, they are with them all the time, it’s just, heightened mommy senses that give them the edge. Rose seems to know where every article of clothing is at all times. No child lost a sock, shoes were always found, backpacks were always situated, and no one left the house without her approval. Locating toys on the other hand? She hated them, especially tiny ones that Hudson needed to collect. Those things could get sucked up with the vacuum can cost her four dollars each to replace. 

Ben was nearly ready to call Rose back over when he found that not only did Hudson lose his belt, but he now had no idea where his bow tie was. Ben was okay with him not having them but Hud wouldn’t stop obsessing over it.   
Finn to the rescue! 

He circled his hand around Hud’s wrist, moves him away from Anthony, gives back the pants he stole from him and got the boy to look for the items he lost instead of harassing Ant. 

Maz and Gwen show up through the front door first escorting Maz who is comfortably wearing a ruffled floral blouse with a thick navy skirt and blazer. In the crook of her arm is her bible and items she needs to officiate their wedding. 

Gwen is simply elegant in her thick Heather grey chorded sweater dress smiling brightly about possibly being the only one that will be warm this evening because of it. 

“You’ll be warm for other reasons,” she teases Ben. 

Walt is the last to get changed. Absolute last, but it doesn’t change the soiled diaper he deposits in his suit. It is the largest dump he’s taken all month and there’s nothing they can salvage. 

Absolutely nothing. 

So, they boy gets cleaned up, a long sleeve onesie, and a pair of Anthony’s black sweatpants.

It’s a sight. 

Gwen doesn’t stop there, putting on his coat for good measure, explaining how it’ll only get to mid-fifties today. 

“You don’t need a sick baby on your hands!”

This is true. 

No one wants that.

Rose comes through briefly with the flowers they made for each of the guys, pinning one to each of them before disappearing again. It marks them as officially ready making Ben nervous

—

He was already there and waiting where Maz told him to be, under the shade tree still filled with golden brown leaves. It was the place they laid Bazine to rest so she too could have a place in their hearts too. Maz makes the sign of the cross with her steady hand, blessing her and the space while Ben waits with the final corsage in his. When she’s done, he places the flowers on the bench above her.

There are no words.

Just a passing look between the two of them.

Everything else was set. Ben planned on having it catered by the local deli Rey used to get his lunches from on Tuesdays, making sure to have chicken nuggets and French fries on hand for when the kids were ready to eat. These, of course, are sitting in the freezer waiting for just the right time to be the only thing cooked in the oven today. No other work is required. 

Not a thing. 

Not even the cake. This time they opted for a small two-tier cake that the kids chose fillings for. Chocolate and vanilla, of course, none of that butter cream stuff, just straight up royal icing wherever possible. The woman at the bakery promised it would be beautiful and would easily cover more than the daily calories intake for the week, but it’s what they wanted. 

A sliver for each would be fine, right?

All of Ben’s worries wash away when he sees the girls, Tamar with Hope, Angie with Briana, and Addy leading Rey through the door. He knew that there was some weird thing he wasn’t supposed to do traditionally, like see the bride before they were ready, but this? They were anything but traditional. Instead he let the breath in his lungs evaporate. His eyes locked on hers, blocking everything else out. He’d be able to focus on the rest later, but she is here. 

His heart felt as though it skipped several beats taking Rey in, blurring out how Rose directs them around behind her. All at once the girls are moving. Tanal and Angie walk with Briana and Hope, finding their seats, which happen to be taken from the kitchen and all around the house. Benches that lined the deck were also used but most of the attendees opted to stand giving guests like Finn’s parents, sister, nurses Rey and Rose are friends with and their families too. 

It didn’t matter so much to Ben. They would all have a place after. The kids would play, and the adults would chat or maybe find themselves playing too. He doesn’t notice music playing from the speakers they took all morning rigging. He doesn’t feel the calm breeze ruffling his long hair, he doesn’t see anyone, not even Rose until she pinches his arm.

“This isn’t a dream Solo,” she reaches for his hand to shake it.

Ben finally comes to, accepting it and pulling her into a hug, thanking her and Finn for everything.

“This isn’t waterproof mascara,” she sniffs trying to wave away the tears forming at the corners of her eyes. “This is the third application... stop it.”  
Ben beams hearing this knowing he’s not the only one being taken by this day. He feels Rey’s warm hands enter his and hears her friend tell them to be good to each other before disappearing again.

Rey’s smile starts shy and small, her eyes lift up to his, drinking him in. He’s just as gorgeous as the day they went to see Gwen about Briana together. Her heart stopped then at the sight of him, dropping the phone with a quick sign of the cross over her chest. Today, in this moment, has her wanting to do the same. 

Ben seems to mirror her, opening his mouth, willing himself to say anything. He licks his lips once and then twice, only able to whisper, “Hi.  
Her smile widens keeping the wonder twinkling in her eyes as she he repeats his greeting back to him. Their world seems to stand alone, even the movement in the air settles, the leaves waiting for any time but now to move once more. It’s as if the world found its balance between two loving souls and gave it the respect they deserved.

Neither of them hears Maz clear her throat or try to get their attention. Instead she insists putting her aged hands over top of theirs. 

“Shall we?” she asks, giving them a lopsided grin.

Leaves fall with passing sprinkles reminding Rey of her promise to him.

“Rain or shine, Mr. Solo.”

Rain or shine indeed. 

The sprits fell from the sky washing their pasts from them as they dutifully stood proudly side by side. Droplets that fell were large enough to be seen but still felt like walking through mist.

This must be what being married in heaven feels like, Ben thinks.

Her veil covered only the back of her hair now and the droplets lay at her crown like embedded diamonds, sparkling just so as she moved.  
Ben was sure he missed all of what Maz said to them as he stares dreamily at her. Just as soon as the rain had started, it stopped, dropping a moment of golden sun around the pair. Rey, who was paying attention looked up to him reciting her vows to him, promising everything they’ve already given to each other and more. She spoke of the future and only looking back at the life they created together, “Until death do us part, but you’ll never know loneliness. You’ll never need fear. You have everything in all of us, even if I’m not here.”

Rey slips his band on his finger, their hands still as warm as a raging fire.

His mind races wanting to reassure her that they could never die. They were like stars that burned brightly for each other. No one could put that out. He hopes the sincere look in his eyes could portray that for him, and yet, he’s ready to recite his own, back to promising her all that she’s promised him. 

Tears prick in the corners of his eyes as he unsteadily slides her wedding band onto her finger, knowing full well they’d have to do it again to switch the order of her rings. He’d do it every day if she let him. As silly as it seemed, he’d do anything for her shy smile and if a simple gesture like this would do it, he would. 

Once it was in place, his thumb and finger linger, his utter love and wonder do the same, painting his face in the boldest of blushes. He watches as Rey beams up at him, quickly removing her hand from his to leap into his arms. Surprised but welcomed as she always is, Ben accepts her kiss, her lips crashing hard onto his, forgetting they had their modest crowd. 

It isn’t Maz hurrying up their final blessing at the end or telling Ben he may now kiss his bride, or the clapping and whistles that bring them back.   
No. 

It’s the disgusted sound Addy and Anthony make that pull them back. 

“Mommy! Yourses outside.” Addy covers her face so she can’t see them. 

Ben lowers her back to her feet, leaning his forehead on hers.

“We have all our lives, Mrs. Solo.”

“Yes, we do, Mr. Solo.” 

——

Backyard weddings have their virtues. The main one being that the guys had access to getting changed immediately. Anthony and Hudson both changed into their sweatpants now that Walt was back inside. Comfy clothes are the best. Less constricting. Comically, they decided they aren’t quite done with the bow ties, and instead work it out to get them clipped back onto their tee shirts before rejoining everyone for lunch. 

Ordering chicken nuggets was a chore. No one was listening. Not even Angie was totally all there, enjoying flattery for the dress Tanal had made her and pointing her out to them so they too could leave complements with her directly. 

Nuggets wound up coming from Grandma Trooper, who promised them chocolate kisses before the ceremony too. Grandma Trooper easily became Hudson’s go too gal for everything. He found that she might be his missing link, the reason he’s so in tune with his intelligence. His questions are matched with her questions. She could talk and listen to him for hours which he deems as being perfect for grandma traits. 

No sooner do they come out does she find them lidded cups, giving them the sweetest fruit punch, she could find, and sat them down at the kids table that was all straightened out for them to use. 

Yep.

Grandma Trooper made sure life is good.

Rey makes sure that everyone finds food and eats. While it may not have been the cookie cutter way, starving children is not a concept to play with. Ben has learned from this. His choices were: “live to see your next hour or don’t.” Feeding them always had to be in the plans.

Once their tummies are filled, Ben reaches out to hold Rey’s hand, music picks up around them from the speakers on the deck. Golden bulbs twinkle under the darkening sky. 

Ben whispers to Rey in this moment, wanting her only to hear the words. His voice is deep with his request. Finn announces their first dance as husband and wife as the acoustics begin to build. Ben reaches for her hand in one of his, while the other supports her around her waist, clutching her against him as if he could wake up from this dream alone. 

His voice stays low enough for only her to hear as he sings the lyrics of the only song that he could ever imagine spoke to them in such a way.

_I hope you never lose your sense of wonder  
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger_

Ben feels Rey’s grip on his hand and shoulder tighten.

 _May you never take one single breath for granted  
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed_  
He leans his cheek against hers continuing to sing to her.

_I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean  
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens_

It’s Ben’s turn to hold her closer, tighter than before.

_Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance  
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance  
I hope you dance  
I hope you dance_

Finn can be heard in the background offering everyone else to join in. Small hands grab their legs and both Briana and Walt are hauled up in Ben’s arms. Rey follows suit, holding hope and loving on both Addy and Anthony, swaying naturally with the loves of their lives. 

After their dance Hudson and Anthony expose themselves for being completely hyped up on sugar, needing yet another outlet to let their crazies go. Now, Rey thought, would be a perfect time to let he skirt go, revealing her knee length dress hiding underneath. Every party, even Hudson’s seventh at the pool ended with some form of cake and a soccer game. The cake could wait, she thinks, just based on their hyperactivity. She inspects the cake as she rounds the table, fetching the new game ball. It seemed as though little fingers found their way to some of the sugar flowers too, which really isn’t a surprise.

Rey’s contribution to their reception was her popping a brand-new soccer ball, dated specifically in sharpie marker, for them. It was her rendition of throwing a bouquet of flowers over her head. This was more her. It’s a comfortable transition and everyone together, starting this new chapter just as dirty as they started all those years ago. 

——

After their games came cake. It was hardly a shocker that everyone passed on it being that they could smell the overly saturated sweet stacked dessert on its own outside. Some, including grandma trooper tried using some of the icing in her coffee rendering it far too sweet to drink.   
The kids, however, ate it. Licked the plates clean and passed out completely unable to use the sugar as energy at all. That was a sight but welcomed at the same time. 

“You know you have to keep the top tier,” Sam teases Ben and Rey about their molded sugary brick.

“People don’t really do that do they?” asks Rose.

“Some do, for luck.”

Rose gags.

“Who needs luck when you have love?” she replies rubbing shoulders with Finn well after the majority of the kids turned in for the night.

“Anyone who eats that thing now could drop into a sugar coma,” adds Finn who’s still removing the bobby-pins from Rose’s hair. “I can’t imagine trying to eat that brick in a year.”

“Why did they let the kids decide again?” Sam questions their motives.

“Because everyone has a role here,” Rose clarifies. “Ben and Finn were on setup, music, lights... the things Rey connected with. I gave her away, Maz did the ceremony, Tanal made the dresses, Gwen and Angie were on assistance and making the corsages and flower stuff.” Rose waves her hand about it. “The kids needed a job too and they took it very seriously.”

The newly married couple leaned only closer on to each other, sitting on the floor next to the couch. 

“And Rey’s was?”

“To accept being taken care of.

Sam raises his eyebrow at them Rose.

“She thinks she has to do it all even though she has us.”

“That’s not true. I rely on you guys,” Rey tries. 

“But you still held on.”

“It’s not easy to let go. I had to when I was working.”

Rose nods. 

“Today was your day,” she points at the both of them.

Rey promised just above a whisper that they did an amazing job. “You all made me feel like... like a princess—"

Ben who was starting to feel the effects of the day, inhaled deeply. His words tumbled from his exhale like falling leaves. 

“A queen,” Ben corrects her. “You’re my queen and I’ll always do everything in my power to do right by you.”

“Even sing?”

Ben’s shy smile spreads while his sleepy gaze finds her own.

“Even sing,” he parroted.

Ben, being true to his word, sang to her softly that night as they put each other to bed. Every slow moment, or the times she needed to feel like a human again, he’d reach his arms around her, and sing just as softly as he did during their first dance, reeling her right back to him even through the stress of their days. It’s here where they felt their renewed sense of calm. Their heart rates slowed, other’s needs melted away and for the briefest of moments she could hang of every unsaid word behind the lyrics he chose.


	19. Epilogue 1: Hudson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a look into Hudson’s life starting from after Ben and Rey’s wedding. 💖💖

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I wanted to give a huge thanks to everyone that has read this story💖💖
> 
> I’ve written in many notes so far that Hudson reminds me of my own kid. Even though he’ll be graduating Kindergarten next week, I still feel like these would be things he would be trying or doing just for the love of being “the guy”. My son struggles with his emotions for now, but with the resources at school, they’ve been teaching him at a higher level while staying in Kindergarten which I thank my lucky stars for because he just needed it this year. 
> 
> These epilogues (and story) were meant for parents and kids alike going through all types of learning experiences. We’re all different and that makes us beautiful. 
> 
> 💖💖 I truly hope you enjoy the rest of these 💖💖
> 
> ** Also, I noticed posting from my phone this morning messed up some of the text. I'm fixing it now **  
> ** It should be fixed now. So weird...**

Sugar or the amount of it has nothing on Hudson. He could have polished off that bottom tier and been ready to eat the golden flowers off the side if he wanted and had no response to it. His parent though, thought differently. They thought it jazzed him up like Rose would get after her third espresso. 

It doesn’t.

He wakes up at the same time or earlier wanting to start his day on normal mornings. 

Today is no different. 

Hud wakes in his bed with a start, the blanket he was wrapped in presses on his little frame as if his mother tucked him in with all of the strength she could. There’s no time to think about it though. No time at all. Time in it of itself is burning like a candle lit at two ends. He slept until the sun barely lit the sky. In the summer it meant he slept until five something. In the fall? That means he slept until six something, almost seven. 

That can’t do. 

He’s never gotten up for homework or schoolwork in general. Instead his mind races, constantly making him hyper aware of being forgotten or missing something. 

He’s never been either.

Finn and Rose are attentive parents. Never once has he been left anywhere but at school for obvious reasons. Parents are only allowed in at certain times, not whenever they feel like. That’s tough news to accept. 

It’s not like Finn didn’t do as many things in his power to be a “class dad” either. Finn was there when he could be. He was a chaperone for field trips like their apple picking event, helped chop the apples retrieved to be used in their apple pie making shindig at school. That was gross to Finn, but Hudson loved every moment of it, even cried when his father had to go as if he’d never see him again. 

Hudson’s Kindergarten activities morphed into sing-a-long’s, a trip to the pumpkin patch, a Halloween parade that he went to dressed as a calculator. There were Thanksgiving feasts, more music, art shows, Christmas activities, parties almost every day leading up to winter break... and then they settled in for a year of learning, sometimes interrupted by song and dance, student conferences and half days for teacher’s conventions. 

Hudson had support that other kids in his class didn’t and still he felt insecure. 

He was missing something in some time somewhere so waking up when he does is the answer. The only answer. The boy would rush through everything, flying out of bed with a thump. Rolling thunder has nothing on Hudson as he moves through the house...in any house... everyone can hear him coming. 

His mother was trained in his antics enough to get up and soothe him. He’d go through a silent fit or two, growling in frustration that he couldn’t get her to see how wrong she was. He is missing out!

This carries on for years. The anxiety of it is disabling at times, his fits finding a new level of crazy each day. 

Music would calm him. It had a beat, a rhythm he could follow. Schedules did the same for Hudson, which helped him gain friends in his advancement of grades sometimes. While some were quite put off by being outdone by a kid two years younger than them, others had a ball over the things he wasn’t socially uncomfortable with saying. 

Innocence they called it.

Maybe it was to Hudson. 

But the moment he realized he was being funny, he practiced and perfected it. His nickname, overheard by classmates was soon adopted, renaming the boy completely by the middle of the year. He’d openly correct his teacher on both lessons and what they missed. He did it for everything though as Hud really had no filter. In an odd way, “mouth” was able to push his teachers and classmates until they too were benefiting from his brilliance.

The move up was a correct one. One that his mother didn’t see coming. 

“Mouth” learned everything though. The boy had a unique presence in the classroom and at home that made him hyper aware of everything. There were days Rose spent correcting off behaviors to pull him back to the present. He would go off on tangents that made no sense, so far off the deep end he would start to hyperventilate. His mother would find herself taking him into a closet with her to block out the surrounding world. The boy needed to calm down. Some days it would be about small things like popsicle sticks, where they came from that would snowball into the explanation of cutting down a tree and what’s more the fear of what would happen if every tree was gone from the planet. He would race through the context faster and faster until he could feel his mother’s hand around his wrist, pulling him back down to earth. 

That would only work at home. Teachers couldn’t drag him to a small room and help him through his moments. Instead they pushed him through it until the questions became too hard to answer. Soon he had classmates taking far more notes than the teacher did. 

School activities were different now.

There were school dances. 

Dances!

Rose cringed at the thought of her child _dancing_ with girls… older girls no less. In a way she shouldn’t but being where he is in his education, he was included. Rose shuddered at the thought and leave it to Hud to absolutely need to go each time. 

Missing an event, social or educational, was a huge no. He couldn’t come back down from missing something. 

This Rose knew was true. 

So…

He went and so did she, as a chaperone of course. Missing hours at night didn’t blow that much. Night shift was nothing to sniff at though. She got to avoid the day staffing. This was all Hudson knew about it though.

Going to the dances was enlightening for Rose.

Hudson owned the floor just as he owned the classroom. He had moves. Of course, Hud had moves. They always practiced their weird little dances from game emotes and Fortnite that Finn so desperately wanted them to do together. A big surprise was learning that Grandma Trooper could bust a move too. It’s where a lot of his transitions came from actually.

Hudson would be cheered on by his friends only trying to get him to up the ante. A few of the guys would throw in flips or the worm which Hudson wasn’t ready to try yet at home but for them? For his friends? Anything. Worming wasn’t so bad, but the flip was awful.

Hudson landed on his face, chipping a tooth and Rose rushed in to find that the guys egging him on were trying to help him too. Sure, there was laughing and teasing but the ones that prompted him to do it were also helping him up and brushing him off… like friends would…no…like family would. 

They weren’t though. These boys weren’t family but the way that they cared for Hud made Rose’s heart sing. He would be okay. Hudson, the world’s mouth, would be just fine.

His education slung him forward in school being able to apply for college level classes in high school as a freshman. This level of work was only for seniors and yet it didn’t bother the school in the least. The fact that Mouth was in the school gave them a name. A reputation to live up to. It was a calling they had to match, to bring up his peers in the same light. Education was all of a sudden important.

Hudson didn’t care as to why. All that mattered was getting through the work and being praised for it.

Praising himself was hard though. No, it never seemed to happen. He still, no matter how hard he tried, had a hard time letting go of what he was bad at or missed. Since the Board of Education started advancing their teachers or removing older ones with a fresh and lively bunch to stay up in the times, so climbed the students around him. They were smarter now. More challenging than they were back then. Getting into debates with them now as compared to then were less thrilling and more problematic. If Mouth wasn’t right, he would find himself needing that small room all over again.

Staying ahead of them was the only concern. Hudson and other seniors handled the college credited courses all throughout the year. First English, then Math and so on throughout the subjects that he could replace even then, though he had the credits to work on, he still loved his high school science class with his friends from elementary school. They made him feel like he mattered even when he was having his episodes. 

There were three of them. Timmy, Mateo, and Jon. Timmy, also referred to as TIMMAAAYYY would only respond if the teacher called him by his elongated name… this was another irritation that Mouth did his best to ignore. His friends came first in this crappy little class. Timmaaayyy was short like Mouth, bony but stronger than one would think. He had blonde hair, blue eyes, and the pastiest skin he’d ever seen, next to Uncle Ben of course. Timmaaayyy, like Mouth, played soccer for the freshman high school team. Mouth was goalie, talking enough smack to get him benched for starting fights, and often, while Timmaaayyy was defense only amping Mouth up throughout the game. They had their secret codes, distracting players that ever tried to score a goal.

Mateo was of average height for a guy, taller than the girls, which was tall enough for him. Mateo didn’t bother playing sports, he was too interested in what the girls were doing to care. His phone was filled with nearly everyone’s number in school. Well, whoever had a phone, that’s who Mateo paid attention to. Girls? Boys? Didn’t matter. He would sit and text emoji sentences to everyone so that the teachers looking on wouldn’t suspect him of anything. This too was something Mouth suggested, which was one of the reasons Mateo stuck around. He was a flighty kid, slick, walking around like he owned the place. As if school was a place a kid wanted to own, but Mouth got it. The kid didn’t do nicknames either. In fact, he had been known by them as Elvis for his dark, glued down hair. The kid looked like he was always ready for school pictures and then some modeling on the side. 

One day Mouth noticed the amount of hair products in his bag asked why he had so many bottles of hand sanitizer in his backpack. It earned him a shove into the wall as they passed to the next class. Mateo, like Mouth, shared the same type of anxiety, but Mateo’s was social. It explained why he smelled like three types of soaps, deodorant, and his hair could be used as a plastic mold every day. His friend needed to be perfect in every way and there was nothing Mouth could do to stop it.

As for Jon? Jon was in band since fifth grade. He played the drums then switched to the tuba because his mom made him stop with the drums. They were too loud and he loved the snare. Jon thought he got her back with an even louder, more annoying thing to drag around—he was wrong. In a way she was teaching him to have responsibilities of his actions. His mother never picked it up. It was Jon’s job. The boy bulked up throughout the years which worked for his trampoline wrestling debut. Jon’s brothers were older and heavier still so the fact that Jon was already lifting prior to joining his brothers last summer in their wrestling show made him a little more of a showman. Mouth and Jon would get into it at times until one day his brothers found out deciding to bring him on as an announcer.

Summers were fun to say the least, but Mouth wasn’t a wrestler. He found the four of them hanging out with his family during the school year playing soccer and enjoying video games. Timmaaayyy had his fun being surrounded by the varying ages of Hudson’s constant influx family. 

So, what if they weren’t Troopers? 

Timmaaayyy still treated them like they were. 

He found playing on Sundays brought them closer together. Mateo and Jon would come around for lunch but unlike Tim, they wouldn’t stay for dinner. Timmy liked being around lots of people… not in the way that Mateo did though. He was more for family. Loving the way that they interacted with each other. The soccer games… he could live like that, with them, forever and the best thing was, it seemed as though it was a silent offering. Like they just knew the people that absolutely needed it were there and would be looked after.

Timmy would repeat this inclusion in school making sure Hudson was always looked after. When he wasn’t there and Mateo or Jon had other things to do, he made sure upper classmen had his back. Mouth could be annoying, but with the right person along side him, Timmy knew that what they had couldn’t be broken.

As far as schooling went, it was much of the same. Ahead of his classes, bored with most of the usual content, mouthing off as he went. Several times he was asked to take up tutoring, but it never came into play. Hudson was so wrapped up still in what he was missing out on that he never really had time for teaching others outside of school. If he was done with a subject, he had trouble going back. It was no longer interesting. The boy was able to study and retain unlike anyone else that he had ever known. Once the knowledge was there, it was there and time to keep advancing.

 

——-

 

In the years to come, despite being the youngest in his class, he noticed changes with his peers. They went through puberty before him… which was uncomfortable. Their slang changed to accompany their physical changes, which again was off putting, but never once did the three of his closest friends shun him. Sure, Mateo was trying to date everything that moved, and Jon was off working instead of wrestling with his brothers now that he was driving, but it was all the same when they were all together.

That is, until Timmy was over one day. 

They were playing right down the old list of games that Rian, Michael and Jeffery used to while they still lived there. The guys had since moved out after graduation and landing their own, very unique gigs. Angie was still around, still training with Gwen to become her replacement. Angie and Jeffery remained friends but nothing more. Their decision was mutual and made mostly because of Ben Solo’s promise to them. They were Solos now… and that made a relationship weird. As for Tanal, she was recruited by Macy’s and started as an intern after she got her associates degree and has been there ever since.

There had been only a few times that Rian came around, not so much from the others besides Angie but the door was always open.

It was also always opened to friends. It’s how Timmy stayed around as long as their children usually would. In fact, there were times that Rose would double check to see if Timmy wasn’t abandoned. Each time he was honest replying with either a laugh and an answer along the lines of his father is sleeping through his life, or that his mother is working.

It was sort of sad to hear for Hudson, so, Timmy was a Trooper.

“Anthony!!” Addy screams from the upstairs bathroom at the Solo house. 

Thundering footsteps run down the hall above Tim and Hudson while they play another racing game on the Play Station. Tim has his leg hanging over the arm of the couch, sprawled ridiculously for a kid that didn’t live there. His head dipped back just in time to see Anthony hop the couch the boys were on raggedly whispering for help.

“Hide me! Oh my God! Hide me!”

The boys sit forward as it was a common thing here. It is in a sense. Someone was always looking to take refuge somewhere but as time got the better of them, they first didn’t realize how tall Anthony became, and just how different Addy looked.

Timmy gulps when he sees her. Her long black hair floats like waves of a spell tempting him into twilight when she runs past. She scans the living area quickly, ducking under tables and around furniture when she too, jumps the couch, startling the guys. 

“Get off,” she demands. 

Tim’s mouth goes dry. His Adam’s apple bobs roughly. He can barely feel Anthony’s bony elbow jab him in the ass as she stares back at him. 

“Did I mumble?”

“Uhhh...”

“Addy?”

“No, Mouth!” she spat. “Move Tim!”

Addy places her hands on him and he short circuits. He can feel her fury and still moves only marginally when she yanks his shirt roughly to toss him aside. Like that would work. Still the image of her dark focused eyes locked on him and her down turned lips which gave way to the sight of her clenched teeth did him in. 

“What did he do to you?”

“This time? You were going to finish that sentence, right?”

Hudson rolls his eyes.

“He burned me, Mouth!” She turns from Tim to point at her neck, her skin still flush, blistering in pain.

Tim shot up from his seat letting Anthony take his beating. Her arm raised and her fist clenched high but hung there as a threat. 

“What is your problem?!” She lunges in tickling him until he gasped for air. This tickle fight was nothing sweet or silly. She wanted him to lose control and piss himself.

Mouth, while okay with it, knew he’d be in trouble if he let it go too long. 

“Come on, Addy. Knock it off.”

“No!”

Anthony starts to choke on his spit. 

“Addy?”

Tim tries instead only gains him a dirty look. It’s enough of a let up for Anthony to flick the burn with his fingers in retaliation.

“What is the matter with you?” she cries, “I didn’t do anything to you! I never do and you fucking can’t leave me alone!” Addy runs from the couch into the kitchen. 

Hudson eyes Tim then stops him. 

“Seriously? You’re five years older than her. The answer is no.”

“Why? How did you know?”

“It’s all over your face and you… your growth.”

“My?”

Hudson throws a pillow at him.

“Shit—you don’t think she saw?” he scrambles.

“No! And you aren’t going to show her…Ever!”

“Man, don’t be like that.”

“She’s my sister…”

“She is not your sister… Trooper? Solo? Two different families…” he started. “At best you’re cousins… distant cousins.”

“You are not getting with my almost sister, do you get that?”

Tim rolled his eyes and looked away from his friend.

“Yeah, yeah… are we playing or what?” 

Tim flopped back down on the couch, jumping right back up from it to where he stood before.

“Dude?!” Anthony whined.

Family life remained the same until the rest of his friends his friends started learning to drive. Tim would drive them to school and back, Addy to the field if she asked even though it was a short walk away. Hud would go too and Anthony hung on the tailgate of Tim’s truck on his skateboard for fun.

Part of him wished it would end. That his turn would come faster so Addy didn’t go with Tim. He wasn’t a bad guy, but with age he learned from his parents and Uncle Ben that it was a man’s responsibility to look out for a lady even if said lady was his sort of sister. 

Hud had to wait two years after his classmates started getting their licenses to get his own. That drove him absolutely insane. 

Waiting. 

What a worthless concept.

By the time he did have the opportunity Rian was home looking forward to teach him. 

Rian, Hudson remembered, made it. He went to and succeeded through college, pushing through screen play writing to big time directing but never lost his family roots. He visited and often even after marrying, excitedly keeping that hope and love in his family alive. 

“Why can’t we use your car?” 

“Because there’s a car seat in it.”

“—and? I’m going to look stupid driving this dank old minivan around.”

“But,” Rian snickers. Yeah, a minivan is a dumb thing to drive. He’d probably feel the same if they didn’t have Finn’s ratty old civic to practice in he thinks. “But... if you learn it in this, you could drive anything. I heard you say you wanted a truck. It’s long enough to be a truck. We can even set the seats down to pretend it’s a flat bed.” 

Rian gets out to put them all down. When he does, he notices the inclement weather darkening overhead. This, he thought, might be a good test.

Mouth could handle a lot. Driving really wasn’t anything to worry about either. Or at least he thought.

The trip out under the brewing thunderstorm was pretty relaxed considering no one knew how to drive. Everyone acted as if it was hailing even though nothing was falling from the sky, yet. It was eerily calm, no movement as they passed trees, no cool breeze as a telltale sign that it was going to start… no thunder or lightning before it just opened up and down poured. Raindrops splattered hard against the windshield leaving silver dollar sized water pancakes in their wake.

“Turn on the wipers!” Rian tried to shout over the rain.

“I can’t! They won’t stay on!”

“What do you mean they won’t stay on?”

“I mean there’s too many things on this damned control! Why can’t it just be a button like everything else?!”

The both of them try figuring it out as they go, still having to move through traffic.

“Great! I got the back one to go…I don’t need the back one. I need the FRONT!”

“ Calm down!”

“I’m just going to hold it. It seems like that’s all it can do anyways!”

The windshield wipers whip back and forth three times and then stop. Hudson has to continuously jiggle the switch. He’s constantly twisting it trying out new line ups finding he can only hear the damned sound of the one on the back window going at full speed. Hud’s pressed it so many times he imagines the motor is going to suddenly shift and throw the wiper clear off the van. That would be a sight, he rolls his eyes at the thought.

“Hey, why don’t we pull over and wait for this to end?”

It really is the only reasonable thing to do. Especially considering how furious he’s become in the past eight minutes.

Managing to parallel park the van on a busy road proved what Rian knew all along.

He was ready.

Just as soon as he could get out of his own head that is.

 

——

 

The rest of high school pretty much went the same that is, until senior year. Hudson was accepted into a few major universities all on scholarship for soccer. His dreams of becoming a doctor at six were short lived and quickly replaced by the stock market. Playing soccer for a team meant having to travel with it instead of spending two measly years at a university to go off into the world as it was.

But who would hire a kid that graduated college at eighteen? Would they even pay him accordingly? Would he have to call the shots as he always felt he needed to? Or would he just wind up crashing hard? A wave of nerves came over him as he sat dressed up in his graduation garb on making it hard for him to leave.

A light knocking behind his door pulls him from his thoughts, again he’s too far ahead for his own good.

“Yes?”

“Hud? It’s me, Mom? I have Grandma with me, do you –can we come in?”

Grandma Trooper always came for these things. Graduations, games, academic award ceremonies… everything. She always came with his favorite snack, a card, and a reference to stocks that they invested in for him so when it was his turn to go out into the world, he had the chance to go and do whatever he wanted… even if it meant leaving. He would be secured financially in the least.

“Ye-yes. I’m fine. Just thinking.”

As the door opened Grandma came in, her arms opened wide to offer him a hug as if he were still that seven-year-old, she met all that time ago. After her came his mother who was shoving a container filled with photo books that she did her best to save over the years. One book in particular caught his eye. It was the first one they made together. They stuffed all of his work into a binder, in protective sleeves no less, to make sure his work wouldn’t fade over time.

“Do you remember how excited you were to do this with me?” Rose asks Hudson.

Hud nods. He could remember everything. Why wouldn’t he remember this?

 

“In it, I hid some things I didn’t want you to obsess over, like marking period reviews.”

 

“But this is preschool.”

 

“And they had them then too.”

Hudson looks at them, remembering even how to say his first teacher’s name, before folding the page back to see what she said.

It recorded a lot of what he had trouble with and succeeded at. Hudson saw the trouble first. It was bound to happen…

“I was always like this?”

“Yep… but look at the rest of it.”

He does.

“They could only go by their curriculum, Hudson.” She turns the page. “You may be young, but you bent those rules for the better. Whatever you did then, snowballed. You are who you are, and the world will accept you for that very person, just like your teachers did. Just like your friends did then and still do… You, Hudson, have nothing to be worried about. This is going to feel scary… but you have everyone in that field, everyone in the stands, everyone Hud. You have all of the support anyone would ever dream of. But its all for not if you can’t see that you are the reason you keep succeeding.”

She lets her words sink in.

Hud’s eyes water remembering all of the times his family, but best of all his mother had gone to war for him. Grandma Trooper could bring it, but no one compared to mom.

With a sigh he leans on her shoulder for the briefest of seconds knowing that everything his mother had said was a fact. He had everyone and they had him. He could do this.

Graduation came and went. Tossing his hat seemed dumb but he did it.

Commuting to the city for a job sounded dumb but he still did that too, ignoring every doubt that could have danced in his mind about being there or being worthy. His job as a seller on the floor was fun, and soon realized city life wasn’t for him. He learned to do his job and leave it there when he came home.

There were other challenges to handle, like making sure he had his own home one day, mirroring his family’s footsteps as he realized it was the most freeing times he’d ever enjoyed. Hud knew what he’d do here. He’d live his life and give back to their community. 

And that’s just what he did.


	20. Epilogue 2: Addy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No one knows the real you but you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I really cant believe the support I've gotten for this story. It really does mean the world to me. 
> 
> I am having fun exploring what the struggles and successes that the kids are going through though. My brother and I are a year a part, "Irish twins" they called us, even though we aren't Irish. We did argue and fight like siblings do. In Addy's story, she references a game that I named the "chase me" game. My brother would do something obnoxious or interrupt me a thousand times over until I got up and chased him. It was a ball... except it wasn't and I would always get in trouble for sidelining him. ugh...those were the days though. Now I watch my kids body slam each other and I have a heart attack trying to stop the older one from dropping his heavy body on his nearly two year old sister. Good times...
> 
> Anyway, I just want to give a huge hug to all of you that have read and enjoyed this story. It really means a lot that you've stuck with me this far. There are four more to do, two of which have outlines and I have a pretty good idea of where Hope and Walton's themes will be too. <3 <3 As always, I'll post as soon as they're done. <3 <3

Addy, unlike Hudson, could sleep. She was so excited to be a princess yesterday that she even complained that her toes were tired. Gwen, being the master of heels, explained that it was the mark of a true lady to have tired feet. 

Addy didn’t understand.

Uninterested in getting up with the early riser, Addy rolls over, clutching the blanket she snuggled into around her face, rolling in it twice to be sure it stayed hers. Anthony could take anything he wanted, including blankets. Several times he would drop a line about her needing to share because he was the baby by less than five minutes, and still conjured the idea that the last one out got everything. Being neither the oldest nor the youngest meant anything in their family though. They were all declared equal being born on the same day. 

That is, of course, with the exception of physically.

They were not the same for that.

Some months out of the year Addy grew inches taller than Anthony and again later on in the summer he would shoot up catching, than passing her too. They were both stocky beforehand then lanky after making things like arguments that lead into fights more one sided than the other. Sure, they knew not to get into it at full force but a side tackle, a punch in the arm, hard shove or slap wasn’t unheard of.

Getting caught was the worst. They were split up and interrogated, each promising Mommy or Daddy that the other one started it, only to both be put in time out.

“We don’t hit here,” Addy listens to her mother say.

“But Momma, Antony bit me!”

“I’ll deal with him in a minute, but you can’t go around hitting people, Addy.”

“You do,” she grumbles.

“What was that?” Rey challenges her.

Addy repeats herself adding, “You haved your bad can withed you.”

“No, that’s for protection.”

Addy looks at her questioningly.

“It’s for bad guys.”

“And girls.” Addy starts to cry. “Mommy? I’msnot a bad girl.”

Rey sighs, wrapping her in a hug.

“No, Ducky, you aren’t.”

_____

Addy being as sensitive as she was, knew what to look for in responses to her. It was as if she was trying to look into the future, registering that frowny face meant that she could be yelled at for something. Mommy or Daddy being louder would cause her to hide her eyes and run, which wasn’t smart on her part. The worst thing they could do was reach out to hold her wrists. The girl would wriggle away trying to put space between them, whoever it was, it didn’t matter. Addy had a thing about being grabbed. 

Something about it scared her more than being yelled at but knew that these were the only way her parents knew to assess the situations. It didn’t make her feel like any more of a person. Instead, she felt like a wild animal they were trying to restrain.

It wasn’t fair.

Anthony could say and do anything. Be a complete jerk and she would get in trouble for repeating or retaliating. 

What was the deal with that?

Her mother would always start with saying her name for her attention, then moved on to looking her in the eyes to get her to calm down, but no matter what Rey would do, Addy would start to cry.

Fighting wasn’t Addy’s thing. Both of her parents knew this, but Anthony kept instigating it. He kept it up throughout school which Rey initially thought was a mistake. They needed each other, didn’t they? Rey found herself begging God to help her.

“And I don’t mean more tests,” Addy heard her Mom say over and over again.

Addy couldn’t make sense of her mother’s frustration. They were at the same school with different teachers and she didn’t have to worry about Anthony being in the mood to pick on her. To Addy, this was perfect. Distance was nice.

School itself was something to do. Addy thrived in reading and comprehension. By the middle of the year the Board of Education splurged on the program instead of being caught thickening their pockets with the granted money from the state. Now, the teachers were expected to teach more and in different levels with multiple reading groups. All of which was hard in the beginning until Addy started reading “G” level books. “G” didn’t mean general audience like it did on the television shows they weren’t allowed to watch yet. It meant that she could read and comprehend stories that were written in paragraphs. Some of which even had multiple chapters.

Her school’s reading system rated the children’s capability by alphabet, “A” being the easiest, and “Z” being the most challenging. While they believed she could handle more, reading without comprehension was a dangerous thing. It meant that she could read the text without understanding the entire body of work which would follow her through exams in the future.

Her teacher also noticed that Addy’s confidence would waiver starting loud and then tapering off as she went, which they believed should also be watched. She needed the to the skill to get through the day. It wasn’t found only in reading but in other places too. 

When challenged at school, Addy would shy away. She knew fighting was wrong and really only let loose when Anthony would pick on her. The last thing she needed was a bunch of people she wished were here friends would see her lose control. Even though this was kindergarten they still had to watch her behavior. Every child was responsible for a classroom job and required to confidently run said job. Whether they were a milk runner or the attendance taker, the teacher deemed this as important. Addy, however, wasn’t the only child that was going through this transition. Others would lose their minds if a classmate tried to take over their space or time. 

Their tantrums reminded her a lot of fights with Anthony at home if she thought about it. Instead she stayed quiet, reserved for most of it... pretending it wasn’t happening. That is, until they did anything in gym class having to do with soccer. Then she owned her space. 

Marking period reviews would bring her parents in, chatting about the changes they saw in Addy. By the time it was their turn, they looked at each other, not knowing where the shyness was coming from. Addy was always sweet, sassy, and could hold her own at home.

Granted. 

She did have her triggers. 

She would sense someone’s eyes on her and study them. Addy, like Finn said, was deep. Someone, anyone, could say something they thought and give nothing else to it, and Addy would carry it with her. Emotions were hard to have around their little girl. Being over tired with Briana, Hope and Walt, her parents made faces that she could only read as being angry or upset. There was no understanding past the “frowny face.” Features bent down always meant angry.

As Addy grew, school and family life stayed the same. She was quiet there and loud at home. Reserved at recess, reading books or coloring, Addy wanted anywhere to be where she could escape her imagined rejection. At home, with Anthony, they had a normal childhood, laughing and playing most of the time. It was only when Anthony took it too far that Addy saw red. 

The first time was when he put her ponies in the toilet and didn’t get in trouble for it. That pressed on to putting anything else she treasured there, including eventually a guitar pick that her new friend Ashley gave her that looked like it was made out of glitter. By now they were in the sixth grade, band finally moved forward from recorders and other wind instruments to something she could really get into. 

If it weren’t for the new girl, she was sure she would have missed this opportunity too. Ashley was quiet like Addy at times, but boisterously loud for the rest of her day. It seemed it was like she had met her other twin. She just _got_ Addy. 

If Anthony was a girl, he would be Ashley. She was taller than Addy, dark untamed hair and light skin just like her. Her eyes were grey but always looked black, and her fingernails were always painted ten different colors. She wore band shirts, ripped jeans and sneakers she drew stars all over. This girl just seemed to have herself together, Addy thought. 

And so, quietly, she did the same. 

Rey noticed the change but thought she was being artistic. It didn’t mean she liked all the stars and hearts Addy drew on her jeans with permanent marker, but in reality, they were stars and hearts. 

Simple. 

She wasn’t off doing awful things, just experiencing happiness with it. Her parents saw the change Ashley brought with her when the girl would come over. She always came with her electric guitar strapped on her back riding her green moped. Her helmet had stickers all over it and reflective tape which suggested she was out all night. That, Rey was concerned with. 

“Oh no, Mrs. Solo. I have what I need, but thanks. I’m practically the only child now, my brother and sister are ten years older than me, so my parents are kind of just like... whatever. They’re good to me and that’s what matters. Though I can’t say much about my neighbors.”

“That’s what I mean.”

“I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Addy and Ashley would go off to her room when they were together at her house or the roof when at Addy’s. While Rey was completely against this, Ben knew it was her only escape from her brother. It was usually short lived since he’d figured out how they got up there in the first place. Anthony would throw toys up at them. Anything he could find. Frisbees, tennis balls, once or twice he got away with sticks. The moment he tried rocks he was called back inside. 

Lucky for them, when he did find the window, they used to climb up there, he was just too wide to make it through. Ashley would bring her headphones complaining that amps were just too big to bring around on her moped and that she was already risking having a wipe out with her guitar. There was definitely no way an amp was coming with her.

This and so much more was shared up there, even on cool crisp days, Ben would overhear their conversations about how annoying Anthony was being, or how great it would have been to not have a twin.

“You don’t understand. He is always in my face. There is no where I can go aside from up here that I can get away from him.”

“You know, my brother used to say that about me,” Ashley said, tuning her guitar. “They’re older and all, and I was seen as the baby. They just… didn’t want me around and it sucked hard because I really looked up to them. I just wanted to be in their world. Maybe Anthony wants that too.”

“Please, please don’t stick up for him. You don’t even know. He like, comes in my space and cannot take a hint. And it’s not like my family gets it either. They just think twins get each other. Like we have a special bond that goes deeper than what we are. We don’t have that. He’s always trying to get under my skin.”

“For a rise out of you?”

“Yea… how did you know?”

“I did that to Derek. I just wanted to be seen.”

Addy thought about it as the words hung around her. She was pushing him out. They didn’t have class together. All they had was a last name and Sundays at the field.

“It would be a lot easier if he could just use his words instead of playing the “chase me” game.”

Her friend looks at her oddly, “Chase me game?”

“He picks a fight and wants to be chased. That’s all I can think of calling it. Just this morning he took his used toothbrush and flicked the water at my face… but he didn’t _just_ have water on it.”

Ashley snorted. 

“Is that why you were minty fresh?”

“Shut up.”

“I’m just saying,” she taps her thumb gilded with rings on her shoe, “Don’t push him all the way out. My brother and sister did with me… and it sucks.”

 

——

 

By May of freshman year, Ashley’s family moved again, leaving Addy and her insecurities bubbling at the surface.

“I want you to have this,” she remembers Ashley say when she gifted the guitar to her. “It brought me a lot of peace. I think, I think I’m good now,” the girl nodded.

“I can’t take this,” she whispered in return.

“Yeah you can, and you will…”

Addy slumped over her friend’s gift writing in her journal while sitting on her bottom bunk. Every note she wrote made her feel like crying, until one day she did. It was cathartic in a way. Everything she ever built up from years past came out. She thought she was stronger than this… but the people around her were idiots, she thought at least.

Anthony sat down next to her on her bed. Unlike him, he didn’t say a word. He just let his sister cry. She knew he was there but didn’t look. Instead she focused on what Ashley said. She was right in a way. She did feel like she was pushing him out. But it wasn’t on purpose really, she just couldn’t deal with him being a jerk. School separated them. He wasn’t nice on the playground like he was kind of at home either. He was always pressing her buttons. To be chased, she thought… but just like her other siblings, who she spent more time with than Anthony, she knew when they wanted attention too.

Briana needed people to watch her. She wanted an audience, so she got one. Hope and Walt would always be the babies of the group and treated like them, but Anthony? What were they doing with him? He wasn’t the oldest, she was. He wasn’t a baby or a middle child… so where did it leave him? He was Daddy’s golden child, doing anything he asked, but still kicking her under the table. Anthony horded Daddy and deep down, that hurt.

The pair of them were always looking after the others. Maybe that’s where the resentment came from. Maybe that’s why she felt the need to cry. Maybe that’s why Anthony felt the need to bug her all the time. 

Whatever the real reason, Addy gave in, leaning her head on her brother’s shoulder.

“You make me so mad.”

“I know.”

“Why do you do it?”

“I don’t know.”

Addy huffs a laugh and snorts her running nose. 

“I think you do, or you wouldn’t do it.”

“You just don’t even try. You’re a part of this family too and Mom and Dad don’t know what to do with you. You push me away constantly… I’m your brother, Addy. Your twin! We’re special…”

“Then why do you make it your business to…”

“Care?”

“You don’t care. You say and do what you want, and no one yells at you and I get taken down for your stupidity.”

“I’m not stupid. You are. You think that coming in here and making music is going to make you feel better when it’s not. You run from everything. Where’s my sister, Addy? Where is the girl that would knock me down just to do it? Where’s the person that would own her space?”

“I don’t know. Exhausted somewhere? Would it kill you to be nicer to me?” Addy closes her book, but Anthony opens it again gaining him a glare.

“Can you play that for me?”

Anthony never took band. He didn’t care, he was more into sports because their father was and just didn’t have time between learning all of the tricks and becoming the best on the field for whatever he did.

“I don’t know if you’ll like it. It’s kind of girly.”

“Well, that’s expected because you’re a girl and all.”

“Shut up, Ant.”

“Would you just play it already?”

Addy moved to get the pick, looked briefly at the page and began to play.

“Why can’t I hear anything?”

“Headphones.”

“You don’t want to listen?”

“I don’t have to… I know what it sounds like,” Addy taps her thumb nail on the pick and starts up again as Anthony covers his ears with the noise canceling headphones.

She doesn’t bother looking at him. Instead she plays and plays well past the end of the page. She knew where she was going with it but didn’t feel the need to record it all right away. While they sat there, together, she roamed her feelings, playing what came naturally. Her ears burned with the sadness and guilt of pushing her brother away that what she came up with played out as a melody to promise to be better to him.

It was short lived as far as the moment went, with the days to come he was still handling jackass mode, where his teen years took over as hers did. Addy went on to play in shows, battle of the bands, and concerts sometimes aided by Briana when she was feeling the need to be included. Anthony would still mess with her, turning off the breakers while she was in the shower, making her scream that the lights went out, or jacking with her when she was applying makeup, but the worst was when he would sneak up behind her while she was straightening her hair. That… that meant war.

Several times she had been at the Solo house to do it too. Tickle fights were usually used as a last resort, and certainly used when he caused her to burn herself, which happened more often than it should have. Sometimes they were small nicks with the side of the flat iron, but he really got her one time, and it would be the last.

Addy equipped herself with one of her mother’s cans of mace. That asshole would leave her alone if he wanted to keep his eyesight.

Tim, one of Hudson’s friends, tried to talk her down from this, as it was the most drastic thing she could have thought of. If he didn’t, she would have gone through with it, remembering her words from years ago about the can being for the bad guys. Anthony wasn’t a bad guy. He was her brother and an idiot, both of which Tim made mention to.

“I can try to keep him away from you if you want.”

“I don’t really want that though. I just want him to respect my space and stop hurting me.”

Tim nodded trying to come up with a way to help her that wouldn’t automatically suggest he was into her. All he could come up with was asking if he could be around when she practiced.

“I guess. I wasn’t practicing though. I was trying to do my hair.”

“Yea but I mean if I’m around, not just hanging out with Hud, I can…”

“Watch out for me? Tim, you’re so much older than me. I don’t know why you’d want to hang out with a little girl.”

“You’re not a little girl. Or just anyone.”

Addy rolls her eyes.

“I’m serious. If it makes you feel better, I can be around.”

Addy rolled her eyes again, making to move through the doorway but he wanted her answer.

“Fine. But if you pull any shit like Anthony, I’m going to straight up kick you in the balls. We clear?”

“Crystal.”

Addy thought she saw something more there but dismissed it. It wasn’t like she was really opened to being someone’s girlfriend right now. Now it was her time to figure herself out instead of weeping in front of some guy like a baby. She could get mad in front of her friends and family and supposed she thought of Tim like family instead of boyfriend material, but it didn’t change the fact that she didn’t want pity. For all she knew Tim was taking pity on her and it felt wrong to accept it.

Addy never went to any of the dances school provided, not even prom. Idly, she wondered where that little princess of herself had gone to. She stopped wearing dresses back then and couldn’t remember the last time she dressed up.

Being late spring, she couldn’t avoid getting dress up for graduation. She rolled her eyes at this too. There were so many of her peers dressing up like they were going to go hit the club. Even her brother was all done up in a suit, tie and let his hair down like their father’s instead of tying it back like he always did. Addy figured she would just go in jeans and a band shirt, but her mother insisted she wore the dress that was laid out on her bed.

“I can’t wear this mom.”

“But you can.”

“I can’t. No one knows me like this.”

It was out before she could stop it, “No one knows the real you but you.”

“Then maybe I don’t know me.”

Addy overlooked the dress pulling out flip flops and, on her jeans, when there was a knock at the door.

“I said I’m not wearing that!”

“You’re not wearing jeans to your graduation. Now, let me in!” A familiar voice startled Addy.

Could it be? Addy rushed over to open the door. “Ashley?”

“The one and only.”

Her eyes bulged when she saw her friend. It had been years and she changed so much. She was thinner, wearing a _dress_ a _floral dress_ no less. It was navy with red and pink roses all over it, sleeveless and hugging her curves up to her mid-thigh. She even had stockings on…

“What the hell is this?” Addy questioned.

“It’s called confidence and don’t worry I have a boat-load for you too.”

“But a dress? Really? What happened to fuck feminism?”

“It got tiring,” she waves her hand at Addy. “Besides. There’s some tall drink out there that seems to think the world of you even in your grungy shit.”

“You’ve only been here for like five minutes. How could you possibly…”

“I got here last night. Skipped my own graduation to come do yours with you.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because you’re the closest thing I have to family that has ever wanted me around. You gave me a purpose when I couldn’t find one myself. And now it’s my turn to return the favor.”

“With a dress?”

“Can you just put it on?”

The two stares at each other while a silent conversation of “where is it” and “what do you mean you picked that out” passed between them.

“You got this for me? I thought my mom did.”

“I picked it out, weirdo. Would you just put it on?”

The dress was a golden yellow with sparkles set into the fabric. Unlike Ashley’s it flowed. She wondered why she picked something like this if she went with something so form fitting for herself. The girl liked to move, but it had been a few years, maybe things had changed.

“So, what made you think of this one for me?”

“Well, you were always lifting my spirits when I was down, yellow just seemed right.”

“So why are you…”

“In this? I stole it from my sister. I want to see if she notices”

Addy spits a laugh. Letting it all out harder than she thought she’d ever laughed in her entire life. While she did, the thought of Anthony emerged yet again. She figured she could deal with him and his antics. He had calmed down to a point, stuck to the side of his friends, who he was late to see.

She could hear him tell Mom and Dad that he’d see them at the field and felt the need to rush out to tell him to wait… but didn’t. Ashley was there. She drove from the Midwest to get back to do this with her. 

When she did open the door, she saw Hud and Tim make their way out the door too and that’s when she felt it. She got what she wanted…all those years ago.  
He really wasn’t gone. Was he? Anthony would always come back she tries to assure herself. Though he did get a scholarship in soccer to go to school in Miami. That’s far. Did he agree to it? She didn’t even know. How did it get this out of hand? How did they get so far apart?

On the way to the field, dressed in her graduation garb, her friend at her side and family in the van, she listened to her brother and sisters fight in the back seat. She wanted to tell them to stop so they didn’t wind up like her, but she was always yelled at for it. To her surprise, Ashley hushed them, asking important questions like what they liked to do or what they wanted to eat after this. She came prepared with gummy bears and a ton of crap in her bag that would make anyone sick, but the gummy bears stuck with her.

Addy remembers watching Anthony drop them behind Auntie Rose while she drove them to the store one day, getting six of them to stick to her clothes while the walked around. It was shitty, and she should have stopped it, but it was funny. While the ride was short, Addy had enough to think about. She missed so much of her life being afraid of everything. Her insecurities needed to be tossed out the window into the trash of the past. She would wear that dress her friend and mom picked out and be the proud young woman she knew she could be. It was time to make a change.

And so, she did.

Graduation came and went. The girls walked down together to get her diploma and were argued with by staff members that only one should be coming up at a time. Addy ignored this, the two of them putting an extra sway to their hips, not that it could be seen under those ridiculous shoulder skirts. It was liberating breaking the rules a bit because Addy was finding herself again. 

Anthony’s name was called on their return and she didn’t hesitate to high five him as she walked the wrong way back to their seats.

After the ceremony, her dress revealed, Anthony asked if that was the reason behind her insanity back there.

“Not exactly. I just decided I was done with the old me.”

“We’re in trouble now, aren’t we?”

“You have no idea.”

And just like that Anthony accepted his big sister back into his life.

Addy opted out of school thinking an education in music was a waste. School, she thought wasn’t for everyone. Dad didn’t go to school, so why should she? Instead she moved out, finding an apartment with Ashley while she spent time working and finding herself. 

Addy made it a point to visit on holidays and called frequently, just to stay in touch.

She dated on and off again as Ashley did. Swearing about their love lives over chocolate ice cream. The girls seemed to be able to talk about anything until one day Ashley’s brother Derek came around. He apologized for putting her through so much shit when they were younger. The fact that they’d gotten to that point in their lives rocked Ashley to her core. 

“I’m not going back with you,” she said. 

“I figured. I just wanted to come tell you in person.”

Ashley couldn’t help her misty eyes. She waited so long, even practically gave up on them...” Means a lot,” she croaked.

“It does?”

“Yeah.” Ashley was quick to move on, not wanting to be emotional in front of her brother of all people, asking Derek if he wanted to join their jam session.

“Did you give away my guitar? Is that where it went? Ashley!”

Ashley erupted in a fit of laughter. 

“You didn’t want it you ass. Besides, Addy’s much better at it than you... let ‘er rip Addy.”

And so, she did but didn’t stop there. She lived her life to the fullest, promising herself she’d be more open and accepting of the world around her. 

One moment at a time, she thought. One moment at a time...


	21. Epilogue 3: Anthony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “MY TWIN IS BACK!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously had a good time writing this one. The story about the road trip happened. It was my brother and his friends going up to some ski place in the winter. The kid driving thought he was funny and sped up though instead of breaking — boys. **rolls eyes**
> 
> Again, I don’t think I can say it enough but I’ll try. 🥰🥰Thank you so much for sticking around with me even past Ben and Rey’s story. It makes me so happy that you’re enjoying this as much as I am writing it. 🥰🥰
> 
> It truly makes my whole day!!💖💖💖

Anthony only got up because Addy did. If he could he would sleep all day next to his sister. But she was always on the move. Where she went, he would go. It was their dynamic. Always.  
   
In Pre-K 4 he did better because of both Addy and Ben being in his life now. Mom was fine most of the time, but unlike Addy, Anthony saw it. He saw his Mom and her frustration. He was in tune with what it meant, too. Like any child, besides Addy, Anthony would feed off of it. If Mom was tired, he was tired. He would beg for any and all sugary snacks to help him get through the rest of the day like she did with her coffee. If Mom made mention to having a headache, so did Anthony. He would take it as far as needing an icepack too. If Mommy put herself in time out, Anthony magically needed the potty. He needed to be where she was doing what she was doing…  
   
The same went for Addy. If Addy was playing ponies, he needed one for each fist, even though she only had three. If Addy was sleeping, he needed to be right up next to her, at the very least, it would be okay to have a foot on her since she liked to scoot away. Anthony just needed his people and to be just like them… or doing the same things.  
   
By the time he was thrown into Kindergarten without his sister, Anthony started to feel doubt. He acted out more leaving the lines their teachers expected them to make to walk quietly through the hall to find his sister. A couple of times he was successful. Anthony would loudly shout down the hall that he found Addy in, his other half, and be hushed as they rounded the corner. The moment Addy would wave everything would suddenly all be right with the world.  
   
Anthony though, would get calls home for interrupting other classes just to find her.  
   
Several times he remembered both his mother and father telling their staff to put the kids together. The would explain that splitting them apart was hurting Anthony.  
   
They weren’t taken seriously.  
   
Anthony was never put back with his sister in the school system.  
   
“I assume they see each other enough at home that they don’t need to be distracted with each other in school, Mrs. Solo,” added the teacher’s aide.  
   
“I assume your services aren’t needed if you can’t assess their needs properly,” Rey spat back. 

Ben took her hand, trying to calm her in a way, saying, “What my wife means is, you’re going about this the wrong way. The kids need each other. Splitting twins isn’t the smartest thing to do and I can assure you he will continue looking for her if you refuse to put them back together.”  
   
This had no effect on the school system. They were adamite about their decisions to keep the two where they were for now. Addy was excelling and Anthony wasn’t having breakdowns in class. The teachers believed the split had something to do with it.  
   
Anthony would stay separated from Addy throughout elementary school, only seeing each other briefly until school ended. He would have to get his fill of her before and after school by using what ever means necessary.  
   
Addy always looked sad to Anthony. Being Mr. Party himself, that just couldn’t do. Everything was awesome now. They had a full family unit. A daddy. Not just any daddy either. Their daddy, the one that belonged to them through blood. All things were looking up for them. Daddy didn’t even have to go to work anymore. How crazy was that?  
   
Anthony always heard of a stay at home mom but a stay at home dad? He believed he was living large.  
   
So why didn’t Addy?  
   
She was always down on her luck. Even when she was out playing with them, repeating him… Oh! Being repeated was the best thing ever. It meant she was listening and thought he was funny. Yes! Being repeated was all he wanted. That and a smile on his sister’s face. That would make him the happiest kid ever.  
   
It was always short lived though.  
   
Anthony knew he was missing something… but what?  
   
Addy would stop, look at the ground, and then stomp off the field. By the time she was ready to play again, the game would be over, and they would be packing it up.  
   
What was wrong with Addy indeed.  
   
____  
   
By middle school Addy started playing the guitar with her friend Ashley, who he quoted Walt and called Assley. He neither thought she was an ass nor looked like one, but it didn’t keep him from calling her it. He could hide it in just the right way that he wouldn’t get caught saying it.  
   
But Addy did.  
   
And that was funny.  
   
“Stop calling my friend an ass!”  
   
“ADDY!!”  
   
Addy turned to see their father come up behind them to correct that language. He could see her face morph from questioning his authority to crying instead of sticking up for herself and telling on him.  
   
Come to think of it, Addy never told on Anthony.  
   
She must still love him then.  
   
Anthony soon came to the realization that girls were weird. School girls were weirder. They would talk to him in some sing song way that made his skin crawl and his face burn. He wanted to know what it meant but every time he reached out to his sister; she would turn him away like he was nothing. His friends didn’t help on this one either. Neither of them knew what was going on, too stuck in their trading cards to pay attention to the rest of the world.  
   
That’s when Anthony started taking up traveling soccer. His schoolmates didn’t get him so he would go out and find new friends.  
   
Their father took an interest in it with him, making sure Anthony got the attention he craved, and he loved it. Every afternoon Ben took Anthony out to the field to practice with him without the distraction of everyone else. As his feet got faster, he found himself more confident. He could keep up with Mouth and Timmaaayyy which made all the difference.  
   
But still, he was missing something.  
   
Addy.  
   
Addy would sit on the roof at home with her friend and not get yelled at. That irked him, furthering his need to be by his sister. He would throw toys up there, sticks, rocks… pebbles mostly, but a few heavier rocks missed the gutter completely, hurling their way into the glass just above their bedroom window. Oh, he was so dead for that. Maybe there was a way he could place the blame on Addy for being on the roof in the first place. He could use that reasoning to get out of his mistake.  
   
He smiled.  
   
That would work. She wasn’t supposed to be up there.  
   
It didn’t work.  
   
He found himself replacing the windows with his birthday money he managed to save.  
   
Addy would feel his wrath one way or another, Anthony promised himself.  
   
From there he spent every waking moment trying to put his face in her face. He sprayed her with his toothbrush, threw things in the toilet, begged her for attention, homework, whatever. He would do whatever it took to get her to look. So many times, she would turn, and he would smile at the death stare. He knew he was going to get it but getting nothing was worse than being chased. Anthony was fast now. He could sprint everywhere, and thanks to Dad, he could parkour over everything. The kid could fly.  
   
____  
   
Bonding with his younger siblings was easier. They would seek him out and want to show him everything. His parents loved the fact that Anthony was down to earth enough to want to help, praising him whenever necessary. Most of the time they were happy. Most of it. He watched his parents go from arguments over not wanting to sit in pee spray because the guys never opened the toilet all the way to why there was butter on their vegetables. Dad loved calming Mom just as Mom liked calming Dad, but they went about it in different ways. Mom would make his favorite meal after she had time to think. That was an important thing for Anthony to realize. He wondered if Addy just needed time to think too. Addy was mostly like Mom anyways. Then there was Dad. Dad liked to put his face in Mom’s face like a puppy, which he only put together after going with Aunt Rose to find a graduation present for Hudson… which basically meant herself too.  
   
Dogs are awesome.  
   
Aunt Rose totally gets this. All except the need to put their face where it doesn’t go.  
   
This brings him back to Dad. Dad would put his face by Mom’s even while she was still mad. He’d sway with her, dancing he supposed, until she gave in. They would whisper to each other, he thought, that is, until he heard him singing.  
   
Barf.  
   
He would not be doing that with his sister. That’s… wrong… on so many levels.  
   
There just had to be some way to reach her.  
   
Anthony continued trying to help his parents out with putting his siblings to bed. Each of them got a kid. Mom had Walton, Dad had Briana, and he had Hope. The three of them were in baby cahoots back then. Swearing in baby language by grabbing their bottom row of teeth and pulling downward until their fingers violently scrapped their ways out. If he did it back, he started a war… Anthony believed that this was baby language for “fuck off!”He also learned things about his sisters and brother that he wouldn’t have known otherwise. They were sponges. Anything he said or did, they said or did. If he made up a song for them, he had to know that song because they would hold him to it. Hope liked to dip her hands between his arms and sides to feel the chair behind him hundreds of times until he started patting her back. Then she would coo and sing back to him until he would stop.  
   
Walt would do baby push-ups, dropping his head hard on his brother’s chest when he would cuddle with him. Anthony imagined the documentary they watched in school about snow foxes jumping high in the snow and diving back down to use gravity to help them hunt. Walt was hunting for a concussion.  
   
Then there was Briana. She only slept by Dad so when the other ones went to sleep, Anthony would sit next to Dad waiting for Briana to give up too. When she did, she would usually go with a fist full of Anthony’s hair.  
   
Now that they’re older they just go in when Hud, Anthony and Addy did.  
  
____  
   
Being born in May was suddenly annoying being the last kids in his class to get their license. Addy had been adamant about not wanting to get her license at all. It made no sense to. There was a bus on rainy days, no where to park a car at either house and sharing “was the devil.” Sharing meant someone could comment on every last thing the driver was doing. Whether they were going too slow, or too fast, or didn’t use a blinker, or it was too cold, or too warm, or too anything… it just wasn’t for her. She had been in the van with Hud when he got his permit and that wasn’t terrible. He could not shut up about everything that crossed his path. The concept of being stuck in the van with Anthony giving her crap about her driving just didn’t sit well with her. That concept had to go.  
   
Addy tried to convince him she was fine walking everywhere. It didn’t work.  
   
One day in the late spring when Anthony did finally get his license, they took Hudson, his friends, Addy and himself up to the lake about an hour away. It was supposed to be fun. They planned on going camping. Addy was even her comfortable self, picking away at her guitar while leaning against the window in the back row. Next to her was Jon, who took up a seat and a half but was kind enough to let Addy stretch out once in a while beside him. Tim and Hudson were up in the middle while Briana sat in the front seat with Anthony, totally enjoying the view.  
   
In order to get there, they had to use back roads, some steep enough to challenge their eardrums with pressure getting nearly everyone to yawn in response. This familiar scene was fun for Anthony to watch so much so that he didn’t realize the huge eagle up the road in front of them. Instead of stopping, Anthony drove on. His sister shrieking in the passenger seat got the attention of everyone. Both Hudson and Tim put their faces uncomfortably close together between the seats to see what the commotion was.

Hudson, the only voice of reason, told Anthony to break but he was too slow. The bird had almost reached the grill, being all of twenty feet in front of them now with what looked like dinner’s weight keeping him too close to the ground. As Anthony slowed, the bird got high enough to save itself but not the meal.  
   
With a loud thud and an even louder squeal from Briana, followed by a few yells and a hearty laugh from Jon all the way in the back, dinner was now on the windshield. Blood, fur, guts and a cotton tail adorned the hood telling Anthony all he needed to know about science that day. Still sure he wanted to go into medicine, he had no stomach for cleaning up the Easter bunny. The group found themselves drawing straws to see who would be in charge of cleaning this mess.  
   
Later that afternoon, Addy could have killed Anthony. It took Tim and Jon to keep her from tearing him a new one. “Sorry, Officer,” he knew he was about to lie to a policeman. “My sister is getting her hours in for her permit and…”  
   
Her eyes flashed red, he was sure of it, but the officer waved his hand at the kids, letting them go with a warning.“I’m surprised you haven’t seen more traffic. This is a bling curve. You really need to be more careful. I don’t want to have to pick your carcass off the road like you are that rabbit.”  
   
“Mother—” Addy began to swear.  
  
“Yes that’s right young lady. I would have to tell your mother. And no one deserves that.”  
   
Addy shot her brother another look like he needed to really think about the next few syllables that came out of his mouth when Briana offered her the front seat trying desperately to get away from it.  
   
“I’m pretty sure I belong in the back,” she started.  
   
“With me,” Tim tried to keep under his breath, but Hudson elbowed him.  
   
“Like where I was Anthony?”  
   
The boy smiled when she did, already getting back into the van after the officer let them go.  
   
The rest of their trip was calming to a point. No more birds were dropping rabbits from the sky. Addy was back to picking at her guitar while Tim collected firewood. Hudson and Jon pitched tents while Anthony and Briana went fishing.  
   
“You think she’s going to forgive you for that?”  
   
“Probably not.”  
   
Briana sets her hook with a shiny lure before casting out off of the dock. “Why don’t you talk to her like you talk to me?”  
   
“You’re pretty chill. Addy _is not_.”  
   
“You ever think you’re doing this wrong?”  
   
“All the time.” It’s Anthony’s turn to cast his line out into the lake.  
   
“Doing it now isn’t going to help anything. She’s already mad at you. But maybe later or when we’re home away from everyone… maybe you should talk to her then. You know. Get on her level?”  
   
“You sound like Mom.”  
   
“I think you would sound like Mom if you were trying to split up Hope and Walt.”  
   
Those two could go to war with anyone. They were on each other’s side until the end. But their relationship was just something else entirely.  
   
“I don’t follow. They never fight.”  
   
“Yea they do.”  
   
“Over what?”  
   
“Everything. Are you really that dense?”  
   
Anthony’s line jerked enough to try reeling it in.  
   
Was he really that dense? They fought over stuff… yeah… like normal kids. But it was dumb stuff. Like who got to use the blue cup and plate, or who had the blue socks, or when they matched clothing, Walt _hated_ that.  
   
“No. It’s just different and you know it.”  
   
“Is it?”  
   
Was it?  
   
Damnit Briana.  
   
____  
   
By the time they were on their way home, packed up and reminiscing about how stupid their ride up was, he could see changes in his friends. They seemed older instead of on the same level. Hudson was twenty-one now that they were eighteen, which meant Jon and Tim were twenty-three. Was it normal for their age groups to hang out?  
   
Then he saw it. Addy’s fingers loosely laced with Tim’s.  
   
“Oh my GOD, when did that happen?” he shout whispered at Briana.  
   
“You really don’t pay attention, do you? He’s been into her for years. Kissed her on the dock last night.”  
   
Anthony stood in horror, asking for confirmation, “OUR DOCK?”  
   
It was too loud; he was being too loud.  
   
“Our dock that we fish at… that dock?”  
   
Briana just stared at him, but he waited for her to respond.  
   
“Yes?”  
   
“Is that a question or a statement because I need to know what’s happening right now.”  
   
Briana looked at him again telling him he needed to butt out of it this time.  
   
“Whatever is going on is new and I don’t think she wants to share it with you. You _have been being an ass and all_.  
   
“Wha? Me?” he asked incuriously. “She’s the one being all scandalous kissing guys on our dock!”  
   
That stopped the conversations around him, all falling silent.

Addy tentatively let go of Tim and pushed into the back of the van next to Hudson this time. Tim and Jon sat on the middle bench acting like a wall so Anthony couldn’t see past them. Tim’s eyes challenged Anthony’s in silence and each time Anthony would look up Tim would catch him, redirecting his concern to the road.  
   
At home, Addy sat in their room, on her bunk. She sat crying this time about how stupid Anthony could be. She finally allowed to let someone in, and it happened to be Tim on a trip with her brother.  

What was she thinking, Anthony wondered? Why would she think that it was going to stay a secret? They were touching, in the open…  
   
Briana though, was his voice of reason, reminding him that he was wrong. And so just as she suggested. He apologized.  
   
__  
   
Life with Addy was on again off again happy. He could feel that she was going through a lot but didn’t come to terms with the fact that he was the root of her frustration.  
   
By the time graduation came Anthony had enough. His sister could win this. If she didn’t want to be apart of it, he would retrieve her diploma for her.  
   
It was fine.  
   
It was all fine.  
   
Except it wasn’t.  
   
It was sad. Briana was helpful to a point. Hope and Walt leaned in for family pictures, but Addy wasn’t out of her room yet. Still yelling about not wanting to wear a dress of all things. They had these suit looking dresses on, no one was going to see her in a dress at all at graduation… but whatever. He heard her friend surge past and the commotion with that but did his best to ignore it. Addy wasn’t coming and he was sure he was losing a part of him forever.  
   
Out they walked towards Tim’s truck without her.  
   
At the field it took him by surprise to not only see his sister there with her friend but also to see her smiling.  
   
Addy was smiling.  
   
Addy was smiling and willfully breaking the rules.  
   
She was getting yelled at and not shrinking away…  
   
She was going the wrong way, back to… him…  
   
The moment she reached out her hand in a high five, slapping his own with such a force it he felt it all over, he knew she was with him.  
   
“MY TWIN IS BACK!!” he shouted, jumping for joy all the way down to the podium. He grabbed the microphone from their principal, ran with it, shouting about how great it was to be out there with her. That is, until he was tackled by the gym teacher.  
   
“Tell me that was recorded,” he puffed. His lungs felt heavy, but God was that everything he ever needed.  
   
“Oh, I’m sure someone got you covered,” the gym teacher said into the mic not knowing it was still on.  
   
Hearty laughter filled the air, making Anthony grin wider still.  
   
___

College for Anthony seemed to go on forever, but damn it all if he gave up on his dream to become a doctor. Being a regular physician was right up his alley. Eight years of college was not. If he wanted to specialize in anything it would be another two… who had money for that? His parents didn’t and scholarship only paid for four years of room and board which meant cramming every filler class whenever he could to get closer to graduating sooner.  
   
That was dumb.  
   
Note to self. Don’t do that. Twelve credits was full time for a reason.  
   
School was easy right up until he had to start learning the lifesaving things, all of the vaccinations, their side effects, but God, nothing screwed him up quite like the knowledge of drugs. Prescriptions made his mind die. The idea of getting sued over giving the wrong dosage made him sick, so he started cross referencing with holistic medicine.  
   
This is where he meets the girl of his dreams, who is…married. Anthony being the king of awkward brings it up.  
   
“So that’s nice, huh?”  He points at her ring finger, wrapped in a gold band with diamond chips secured between two gold bands.  
   
She furrows her brow looking away from the microscope, noticing her ring.  
   
“Yep.”  
   
The woman says no more. Anthony, who is desperately trying not to check her out does anyways. Her skin is rich like Uncle Finn’s, her dark eyes are lightened only by hazel colored contacts. He notices the little pink stud in her nose as well as the burgundy tint in her hair matching her lips perfectly. She’s noticeably shorter than him but what’s the trouble with a short woman? Nothing.  
   
The moment she turned she saw him staring. He felt flush and uncomfortable all of a sudden as if all of Addy’s emotions hit him at full force.  
   
That’s what she must have felt like for all these years. Abruptly he wonders how his sister is emotionally boxing his ears in while he kicks himself for this.

He rambles off a few stupid things that he’s sure the woman will leave like Addy would.  
   
But she stayed.  
   
This time her mouth is moving.  
   
Brain, he thinks to himself. Buddy you have to turn everything back on. I need to know what she’s saying.  
   
“This is my grandmother’s. I wear it in memory of her and to keep the creeps away.”

Anthony flinches. 

“Am I a creep?”  
   
“Are you?”  
   
Silence.  
   
“I um… no…”  
   
Was he lying? He was awful, Addy told him on so many occasions.  
   
“If you aren’t then you have nothing to worry about.”  
   
“Wait what?”  
   
He watches her pat her white lab jacket’s pocket, seeing the familiar can through the thin material there.  
   
“Oh, no… I promise. I’m the best. Never better.”  
   
She smiles at him again like his mother does to his father, getting ready to get through her work. To his surprise, she asks him to stay. And there he’s been ever since.  
   
 


	22. Epilogue 4: Briana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe just take this one day at a time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy moly! This update took longer than I thought it would. End of school programs and parties filled up my last week and work has been crazy but I have finally finished Briana's story. 
> 
> Slight change of plans for Hope and Walton's Epilogues. I think I'm going to combine them so that the very last one is Ben and Rey's response to them as an older couple are now going through different moments in their lives too. 
> 
> As always, I can't even tell you guys how much it's meant to me that you've stuck by me throughout the entirety of this fic. I truly do appreciate all of you and I hope you know that. <3 <3 <3

Being in an all soccer all the time family has its ups and downs. Dancing on the field is considered a celebration, too much is bad sportsmanship. By the time Briana was three she had mastered the delicate balance between the two, learning dances between Hud, Ant, and best of all Daddy. Her guys just had the best moves.

Briana was Daddy’s girl though and there was no confusion about it either. She had him wrapped around her finger. If she wanted to play “balance beam” on windowsills, which were far thicker than the usual ones, he was right there holding her hands. If she wanted to sneak a snack after dinner, Daddy was there to enjoy one with her too. During the times he couldn’t, she’d hold onto his pant leg or seek out Anthony, Daddy’s lookalike, for comfort.   
In a way she knew Anthony loved this. It was their time.

The little girl would do anything to see him smile. 

Briana believed her older brother hung the moon and the stars just for her. He’d do almost as much as Daddy would, making sure she had a smile on her face and a bounce in her step. 

School drop off was awful for a few years while Briana would help take her brother and sister to school. Luckily the back of the building housed both Kindergarten rooms making it slightly easier but not by much. Briana would run, weaving around other kids on the black top to play with the boys and her brother. 

He had weird friends. 

They all wanted to hold her hand and bring her places, but Briana had no interest. She would always drop her weight to a full ton, bringing them to a stop and toppling over around her—  
Briana would only do what she wanted and that was it.

She clearly lived up to her name and she was only three. 

When the bell would ring, Briana’s face would light up believing that this time she would make it. This time they would see she was old enough to go into class with her big brother. Each time she would hold his hand online, lifting her chin at the other kids, believing that she would get in… they had to let her in. She was big now. Bigger than yesterday. Clearly, old enough to go.

Each day it worked out less in her favor. Mommy started putting Uncle Finn in charge of watching the girl, hauling her little body over his shoulder just as soon as the bell rang. Mommy knew she needed to get to him… but Uncle Finn was just too strong. As the school year went on, Briana started getting smarter. She would wrap her body around Uncle Finn, flinging herself backward hard enough for him to put her down. From there she’d sprint to the line and hide under Anthony’s shirt. Surely, they wouldn’t find her then.

They did.

They always did.

And so, the expectation of her winding down would soon evaporate causing every parent to turn and look at the three of them.

They didn’t understand though, Briana thought. They needed to understand. 

In the mornings, after drop off, Briana would play with Hope and Walt, running up to them and snatching their toys right out of their hands. Unless it surprised him, Walt didn’t care. 

But Hope? 

That wasn’t going to fly with Hope. 

Even though she was a little more than a year younger than Briana, Hope made herself known. No one was going to take anything from her—unless it was given.  
The two butt heads a lot in the morning but we’re better after preschool. A juice box in one hand and goldfish in the other, meant everything was right with the world. 

Balanced. 

When Addy and Anthony would get out, they would play on the school playground with their friends. 

Somehow between the morning and afternoon they figured out how to be fast. 

Just too fast for her. 

She’d run in one direction and then in another trying to keep up. They would switch their feet faster than Uncle Poe and Uncle Finn on the field. It frustrated her to no end. Once more she changed directions nearly reaching one of the kids with sparkly sneakers on. They distracted her just enough to lose her footing, two steps forward, then two knees in the dirt set the little girl’s frustration free. 

She jumped up, bared her teeth and screamed. To her she felt fierce, but the older kids only saw a baby not getting her way.

Being loud and screaming were two different things...Screaming was just as bad as throwing a fit, she found out, gaining her a four second head start to run anywhere other than by Mom. Once her fury became too much, she would cry breaking up the game she may or may not have been a part of. 

Did they not understand that she was a whole foot shorter than them? Was it really that big of a surprise that her legs couldn’t carry her quite as far or as fast?

They probably didn’t but it was too advanced a thought for her yet. All she could process was that they were getting away and being mean about it.

 

____

 

Home life was interesting enough. There was always something to do. New faces would show up at the Solo house. Some were friends from the playground, or new people Angie brought over. Briana would welcome them much as a three-year-old could, but keep her eyes on them, unsure of whether or not to trust them. Would they take her toys? Or worse… would they take her boys?

Each time one of them would sit next to Anthony she would squeeze between them making sure she leaned into Her older brother so the offending person would leave. The worst though was when she would see her father give care to them. Scraped knee? Briana could get one too. And it would happen almost immediately. 

After her fourth birthday they had come home from the hospital with one of the new boys that Angie was in charge of at Care for Us across town. He had been playing on the miniature rocking chairs and jumped off, smacking his head on the fireplace. The boy gained eleven stitches at the hospital and concern from her father at home.

That did it!

If looks could kill, Briana could have destroyed the room. Instead she answers her father’s questions by reenacting the whole scene. 

She learned a few things that day:

1\. She’s great at story telling with stunts. Very realistic.   
2\. Being five and smaller than Thomas meant that her amount of stitches was greater.   
3\. Probably the most important point was while Daddy was furious, he was still only hers.

Unlike Thomas’, her scar extended from the edge of her eyebrow, skipping a few centimeters and continuing on her cheek. It was small enough to assume it was from another accident, but they knew the truth. 

This wouldn’t be the only time she felt the need to challenge her place though. As she got older, five to be exact, she became captain of her recreational soccer team, giving just enough of her aggression to any other players that challenged her. Captain meant she got the “C”. It was like getting the ball for the whole game! Who wasn’t in for that? But being a captain meant more than the letter “C” it seems. 

Several times she had to remove it from her uniform for intentionally kicking another player’s leg guard over watching Dad fix someone else’s laces. It didn’t have anything to do with her or the game, but no one took Daddy.

It wasn’t all bad. Most days were good. 

Wherever Dad was, Anthony was sure to be there. He’d walk the field with Briana if he didn’t have a game himself, cheering her on as she flew down to the goal posts.

Boy, did she love Anthony. They had their secret code. It was as if they could read each other’s minds. Sometimes she wondered if Addy was like that with him. Probably not. Addy was quiet, even then. Sure, she was fun and smiled, but she stayed quiet, unless Anthony stuffed his face in her face. Her older sister did not like that. 

Dinners were always lively. From as far back as she can remember, Anthony would give her things she didn’t like, like peas he didn’t want or any vegetable except for potatoes. Those were the only ones she actually wanted, so every other piece that was given was dropped on the floor with a dead eye scowl on her face.

Mom and Dad were usually busy trying to help Hope and Walton with a creamy blend of chicken and applesauce since Walt seemed to have an issue with chewing his food and it was just easier to give the same to Hope. Neither seemed to want it though so Briana would find herself flinging some of the vegies that were shared with her at their trays too.

Food fights were gross, and Mom didn’t like them. Dad would try to hide his face at every meal looking away or down so as not to stir the pot.

It didn’t work.

The easiest foods to throw were sliced carrots. That, she could grip, chucking it overhand at anyone. Several times Anthony would give her a surprised face and a complement to her abilities, which afforded him a correction.

Briana, however, didn’t see what the big deal was. She was trading healthy calories for healthy smiles. 

Please explain the issue.

 

___

 

Instead of signing up for tee-ball, Mom searched her kid’s files for her birth certificate to sign Briana up for gymnastics the following season. All of the climbing and flips she did both on and off the field and in the house would work out for her in the long run.

Being the nosy body Briana was, she kept a watchful eye over her mother’s shoulder.

“Does Solo begin with N, Mommy?”

Her mother sounded confused in her reply, “Does Solo? —No, Briana. Why do you ask?”

“Thas is mys name.” The girl points to her original birth certificate, the one made before everything happened, before Ben changed her name to Solo. 

The one Rey needed was just behind it.

She heard the stern sigh come from her mother and thought she might be in trouble, but there was nothing more to that. In fact, the whole day carried on without another word of it.

Briana continued being curious throughout her life, needing to know more about the Solo family and why her last name started with the letter “N”. 

It didn’t though. The girl’s name was changed to match Ben’s, and the proof of it was sitting in Rey’s purse with the registration. It just was a subject Rey didn’t want to start without Ben. He should be the one to tell her, not Rey.

It would come up in thought here or there if she had a quiet moment, but their family was anything but quiet. 

As she grew old enough to start her kindergarten says a year late, thank you cut off dates. Instead of joining her big brother in third grade, she started having trouble with bullies in the most wholesome class a kid is supposed to start in. Briana, who knew not to be the first to strike, but the first to retaliate, thank you Anthony, would wait. She’d listen to them tease her about having white parents making her wonder more about her family.

Daddy loves her. 

Maybe what they were saying was wrong. That skin color changes over time. Maybe Daddy was darker and lightened up because he was old. Hair does it. Why not skin?

Being old meant he was older than twenty. To a five-year-old, twenty sounded like he was old enough to be a grandpa.

“Fighting isn’t always the answer!” she hears the principal holler from his office.

She knew she messed up when she laid down a submission move learned once again from her brother and his wrestling shows. He always knew the best stuff. Briana needed practice, but those kids weren’t going to bring her down which landed her in the office in more times than one.

But they were being _so_ mean!

When Daddy shows up, meeting her at the office, they sit together. Briana kicks her legs out in frustration knowing she’s going to be grounded from something at home. 

“I understand you hit someone?” his eyebrow lifts with his voice when he asks her about it.

“Yeah,” Briana shrugs her shoulders.

“Why?”

“Theys were being mean to me.”

“What did they do?”

Briana puffed out her cheeks but stayed silent.

“Briana, what did they say?” Daddy pushes her hair back over her ear.

“Theys said I’ms not yours.”

Daddy was silent. Mad and brooding he sat back in his chair, chewing at his lip. How dare they say anything to his daughter? Those little brats had no idea what his family had been through.

Briana leans her head against his arm, patting it as she does.

She knew he didn’t like this and it’s not like it’s the first time she’s been sent to the office because of it. Briana would stand her ground, slurring her words in anger, pushing her chin up defiantly and stuffing her finger in the face of those who wanted to destroy her spark.

No one talked about her Daddy like that.  
She would make sure that they felt her wrath.

But being five, made it a little too hard to keep anyone down, so her fights consisted of kicking and threatening to bite people.

It wasn’t pretty.

Daddy always stood up for her though. It made her so proud to be his, those stupid teachers only looked into this when someone came in crying, otherwise, the kids were on their own.

Unfortunately for them, it wouldn’t be the last time Briana fought for what she believed in. 

 

——-

 

In the years that followed, her big sister Addy was either yelling at Anthony or off doing her own things, irritated when even Briana would lean her nose over her sister’s shoulder. It seemed odd that she was so confrontational, but that meant Anthony was free. She would skip on over, looking forward to what he had to say, all the way up until Daddy came home.

Boys say the most entertaining things. One day they came up with a story that went on for hours about someone pooping so hard it flew out the window, hitting everything in its path and high fived a dog in the nose, all the way to skipping down a path of rainbows. 

Boys are weird, but these are hers she reminds herself. Her family. Her boys. Nothing could change this. No one could take it away.

It isn’t until Briana turns nine that she is in school trying to create their family tree for an annual project that shit really does hit the fan.

“Mom?” Briana calls.

“Hmm?” Rey returns over her shoulder.

“What was your maidenin name?” Briana tries the word again. “Mai-den name.”

Mom doesn’t even think twice, telling her daughter “Kenobi”

Silence in the room is deafening.

Briana is at an age where she can sound out just about any word within reason so when she hears “Kenobi” instead of her expected answer “Netal” the very five letters she remembered and practiced every day up until this point, she doesn’t exactly know what to say.

It was a shock to say the least, leaving Briana to wonder if she was even part of this tree.

As her mind raced and her world seemed to fall apart. She remembers hearing all of those nasty things the other kids said to her. She didn’t see how her father, or how her supposed father responded to it but felt his anger instead. Surely, he was hers. She knew him since birth… right? And that left the other kids that would filter into the Solo house. Who were they exactly? Some were old enough to stay and the others would travel between the two homes. It wasn’t like it was an unfamiliar occurrence to this family, but what if she was just that age group that would move within the two houses?

Their two houses weren’t the same though. Mom’s, well who ever she was, and Dad’s house was that big one level house with the fun big bedroom for them and Dad’s other house was the one they called the Solo house, which was also her last name… so that left Mom as the imposter.

She hears the woman call her name, but she doesn’t respond. Instead she packs in her notebook, pencil and markers back into her backpack, leaves the table, walks down the hall, hangs it up in her cubby space and flings herself onto an open bottom bunkbed. Anthony and Hudson had since moved into Hudson’s old room being, they were older and boys. Addy stayed with Briana, completely comfortable with using the top bunks, while her younger siblings took the bottom. Admittedly, Briana wanted the bottom bunk she started at, but Mom—if she could even call her that, started training her on using the top so that Hope and Walton could be bed trained without the fear of rolling off of the bed at a second’s notice.

Briana dove into purple blankets and pink polka-dotted sheets. She tapped the soft foot of a bunny with her wildly swinging arm as she landed, and the thing started pathetically singing “You Are My Sunshine” with the lack of juice it was still holding throughout the years. 

This does her in. 

She wasn’t a sunshine, or even called that. Dolly, that was her nickname. It was what Mom called her. Now that she knew the truth she wondered if her actual Mom would have called her sunshine, or if she even mattered to her at all.

She started to sniffle. Once and then twice, figuring the lady shouldn’t be called Mom at all. Maybe she should call her Mrs. Solo…or Ms. Kenobi.

Dad might not like that since she did marry him and all. That seemed really important to her. She smiled every time she was called Mrs. Solo, like she was in some romantic fairytale.

Yes. Dad is great. But why did _she_ get to take the place of her mother? What made her so special?

Briana refused to see the lady when she came in asking if she was okay and if she wanted to talk about it. Mo—Mrs. Solo even made her favorite chocolate chip cookies while Briana holed herself away, now trapped with this news. It took her until the daylight faded into darkness and her father came back from his stay at the Solo house, thinking about all the times Mrs. Solo showed her love—well, support. It couldn’t have been love since she wasn’t really her Mom and still allowing Briana to call her such.

She thought about the good times the two of them shared, Rey brought her to Mommy and Me classes at the old church where the basement doubled as an indoor gym. There was never a time she went hungry and Mom—Mrs. Solo would go to war, just like Auntie Rose to defend her family. It didn’t matter if they were siblings giving each other hell for a toy or miscommunication, she even spoke against others for her kids when they would be out. The lady would go as far as keeping her healthy or cleaning her when she got scrapped up… she would make sure Briana never missed out, she really was a “mom” if she didn’t know any better.

But she was nine.

And the world is confusing at nine.

And Mom—Ms. Kenobi isn’t Ms. Netal…  
She does her best to ignore everything but the ringing in her ears makes way for her to hear someone… crying?

They aren’t wails, so it’s not Hope or Walton. It’s not screaming like Addy… Hudson whines, so it isn’t him, and even though she would take it to her grave, she’s seen Anthony cry… but it wasn’t anything overwhelming. He would quietly sob.

Alerted by the similar sound, Briana got up to go see what was going on. Surely, it had to be Anthony again. Addy was being her miserable self, taking Anthony down with him and all.

As Briana crept through the hallway, she was surprised to find Daddy hugging Mrs. Solo while she cried about the fact that their little girl learned the truth. She stood in the hallway, detected by her father almost immediately. Daddy didn’t call her out, but why?

Instead she stood there listening to their conversation. They went on and on about the things that happened, how she stood up for the little girl she knew too little about. Briana stayed and waited for her story before carefully taking one step and then another out of the hallway. When she finally approached Rey, the woman sniffed back her runny nose before trying to look their daughter.

“I know this might not be a good time,” the lady said. “But maybe you should talk to her about her origin story,” she said, purposely using that word to throw Briana for a loop on vocabulary alone.

Daddy agreed and her story takes them well into the night since she was so full of questions, all seeming to combat her doubt, interested in learning about how she came into this life.

By the end of it, neither Rey nor Briana could heave another sigh, both fresh out of tears when Ben rubs yet another circle into the back of Rey’s neck with the pad of his thumb. He held his daughter between the two of them, lulling the pair off to sleep.

 

_____

 

It’s been years since the “family tree incident” and everything has pretty much gone back to normal. Briana, being nine then was able to take some things but not everything. Mom had been careful about what she said and how it was explained, wanting to avoid any other issues that could stem from such stress.

Briana knows this now.

She sort of sensed it in a way.

Mom was waiting. 

When she turned thirteen, Anthony and Addy were nearly sixteen, arguing over who was going to be driving for the two of them. Addy, she remembers, wanted no part in driving. She was very put off by the whole thing, even broke outside of her character to sing and dance, trying multiple nursery rhymed tunes to tell Anthony to back off.

Briana, who usually stayed out of these types of things told Anthony, instead of Addy, to be quiet.

“She doesn’t want to, just leave her alone.”

Ant’s brow furrowed and Addy stuck out her tongue at him, her hands at her hips. She _did not_ see it coming, her brother grabbed it as if he could pull it from her mouth.

“Ahhhhnt!” 

Addy tried punching him in the side to let go, misses, but gets him to let go of her tongue. 

“What is the matter with you?!” She whined. 

Briana tried to calm the situation taking Addy’s side. Wait… but Addy? Why? How did the switch even happen? Anthony… she was supposed to choose Anthony. But she didn’t. Briana found herself facing her brother, her back to Addy, surprising everyone.

“ _You’re supposed to be on my side_ ,” she hears her brother complain.

“I am! But grabbing her tongue… are you for real?”

“I don’t see why this should be bothering you. It has _nothing to do with you_!

“It has everything to do with me… We’re family. We shouldn’t be fighting!”

“ _WE AREN’T_!

“Good!”

“Good IS RIGHT!”

Addy backed out of the conversation leaving the two of them arguing about what was better for the family, left to wonder what the hell just happened.

In fact, it gave her an in with another person. Addy finally had someone, even if she was her younger sister. The feeling was mutual between the two, evening out relationships for the most part across the board. Briana would redirect her brother easily while Addy’s friend was around but it was harder when she wasn’t. When the girl moved, it was over. Anthony figured it out, basically fighting his way to get to his sister. It left her feeling sort of like the odd one out.

Hope and Walt were … well Hope and Walt. They were younger and not quite on the same page. They just… didn’t understand.

While Anthony chased Addy, Briana was left to her thoughts. They seemed to overpower her mind leaving her at a loss. She needed help… Dad. Dad would know. Dad knew everything. It was time to ask.

\---

Dad was a little on edge about this whole idea, but Rey suggested Briana would be ready when she knew she was ready. He could hardly imagine that fifteen was a good enough age for it, but the school system had changed. 

Teachers started teaching, educating them more about psychology within the lessons, far past just the subject. The very fact that they learned this came from the twins, after their marks in health class.

Briana watched his face contort between the two of them, finally accepting that it was time.

Uncovering their makeshift resting place, Ben unearthed the journals of both her mother and him.

“When you’re ready, we’ll read these together. I don’t want you to do this alone. Your mother, she didn’t have what you have.”

“And what’s that?” Briana’s voice wavers. Her question hangs between them unsure of why it was even asked.

“That you have a family that loves you. We’ll pick you up when you fall. You’ll never have to do anything by yourself… all you have to do is ask.”

Before Briana speaks up, he adds, “And I’ll be listening for more than words. Even if it’s a hard question to ask, you should know I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always do everything I can to help you through it all.”

These were weighted words, even coming from her father. She knew they held a greater purpose. Then, the tables were turned feeling like _she_ had a greater purpose. She’d figure out how to help people. Mentally. She would reach them like she could with Anthony and Addy. Her mother’s notes were erratic, but her fathers made her see people past what she could understand. 

He called it experience. She was just beginning, but he’d been through so much with Briana’s mother, losing her as he did, raising her with Rey’s help... and every last thing along the way. Experience was time. Time, she hadn’t yet begun to process, but she would. 

Taking this new knowledge with her, Briana found herself applying it everywhere. She had eyes on her family, especially Addy on their camping trip. The girls had a tent, John had one to himself because the kid was built like a house. Tim, Hudson and Anthony flipped for the last tent or sleeping in the van. The van being the ultimate prize in the event that it rained. 

Camping in the rain? 

No thank you! 

Luckily that wasn’t in the cards this time. This time she spent a lot of it fishing, chatting with Hudson, John and Anthony while Addy strummed along beside a tree. Tim couldn’t seem to look away from her and Briana just knew, even is Addy didn’t. He looked at her the same way Dad looked at Mom. _That way_ that makes her openly tease them about it. But unlike Dad, Tim doesn’t make a move. He pretends to pick up rocks and studies them like one had the potential of curing all cancers. 

It’s painful to watch but it’s not her thing. She shouldn’t feel the necessity to get involved, and yet it’s there. Tim made his way over to the dock he was currently studying when Briana’s bare foot stopped him in his tracks. Her wet foot made a print on his khaki shorts but not much of a reaction came from him. He just looked at her like she stepped on a butterfly. 

Briana nods to the left, toward her sister, and he blushes his eyes in defeat. She tries again using her hands to motion talking to her about her music which is not as easy as she thinks when Ant has something to say about their goose hands. 

Goose hands were shadow puppets they made at each other while Ant was still in the kids’ room. Right now, goose hands are confusing lover boy Tim. She watches as his confusion drains to defeat. There’s only one thing left to do. Shove Ant in. 

And so, she does.

“Go talk to her, you idiot— “

Down Briana goes, pulled in by her ankles. 

———

It wasn’t the only time she helped with a relationship crisis either. Anthony proposed to a holistic doctor —another smart and strong woman soon to be added to the collection of them that they had in her family. Her name was Meghan. She was a nice, levelheaded woman who loved Anthony, and that really was all Briana needed to know. She was a little smaller than average which put Briana a whole five inches taller than her. It wasn’t saying much. Briana was average-ish and all. If Meghan let her hair down, her curls would comfortably puff out into an amazing afro about five inches off her head in any direction. Her eyes were warm and inviting, her smile spoke volumes about her character, but best of all was how human she sounded when she opened up to Briana about her fears. 

The girls talked about marriage and how she loved Anthony, but how much it scared her to settle down. Of course, she wouldn’t tell him that. She loved Anthony; she didn’t want her message to be confused in anyway. Anthony told her to wear the ring and maybe she would feel better about it is saying, “It will never be for anyone just you.”

“Who knew he could be romantic?” Briana smiled. 

Meghan twirled the ring not stopping on anything in particular as Briana continued. 

“He’s been my best friend since, forever. I can tell you that Anthony is so much like my father that I can tell you he’d do anything for you.” Briana waves Meghan over to see what she means. 

Just outside her door Dad twirled Mom gently, her silvery highlights glowed brilliantly under the kitchen light fixture. She would always float back to him, whether she wore something fancy or her pajamas, Briana imagined that was what love did. It makes people float.

“You seem pretty sure. Doesn’t your sister have problems with him.”

“Siblings are different. _Twins are different_. Hope and Walton will down right have a showdown over a pencil case. But it doesn’t mean they hate each other.” 

Briana holds up her finger, dialing her sister with her thumb.

“Yeah?”

“What do you think of Anthony?”

“Briana?”

“Just answer my...”

“You aren’t drunk, are you? Do you need to be— “

“Addy! Really? Am I slurring? Just answer my question. What do you think of Anthony?”

“Our brother?”

“Yeah?”

“He’s your brother too, you can’t date him.”

Briana feels beat. Of course, she knows that! 

She turns the phone to Meghan so she can ask instead and that’s when Addy admits her problems were her own. 

“I’m dealing with it. Anthony, I guess he thought he was helping? But that’s the thing with him. He doesn’t know when to stop. If you’re not smiling, you aren’t all better.” She continued to tell Megan stories about their childhood, the three of them so involved in it that they hadn’t seen Anthony hanging out in the doorway. 

Ant always tried to silence his emotions, but hearing Addy say she was thankful for her twin and confirming that Meghan would be too broke his dam. He thought he’d have to wait his whole life to hear that... 

The next year passed and Briana handled much of the same in terms of schoolwork. She gained her bachelor’s in psychology and planned on going back for her masters figuring, why not. Right? 

Her brother and Megan were married and started their own little practice in town, a few blocks down from Care for Us. They talked about kids every so often when they were over, laughing about how many they thought would be best. It only took an accident anywhere in the house for them to look at each other in horror that this craziness could be them too. 

Briana offers yet another smile, as she does every time, saying, “Maybe just take this one day at a time.”


	23. Epilogue 5: Hope and Walton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Always sure of yourself...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Walton’s quieted behavior is based on my nephew who was often called a mute when he was younger. They blamed a lot of it on possible inner ear complications but it didn’t seem to be the issue at all. The boy wound up fine, just never found the right time to jump into the conversation. 
> 
> That’s not to say it couldn’t have been for other kids that go through these things, and certainly, if you think your child has an issue, always go with your guy and get them checked. Second opinions, if at all possible, are good too. 
> 
> This chapter also goes over a sibling trying her best to take matters into her own hands, swallowing her own frustrations about her brother because it’s a known fact that no matter how alone one feels, they’re never truly alone.
> 
> Aside from that, I am still just besides myself based on the interest so many of you have taken in this story. Thank you for your ongoing support. It really means the absolute world to me that you’ve enjoyed it so much. 💖💖
> 
> The final Epilogue will be of the parent’s recount of the kids lives, wrapping up their parenthood, and moving on to becoming grandparents. 💖💖

Hope and Walton were in a world all their own. Having older siblings meant it was a fight to have ground to stand on or they had to learn to hold a tight lip and keep whatever they had around them. The two may have seen different worlds but they managed to keep the other in check. Lost a binky? Found a binky, stole one… found it in the couch, stuffed it in a backpack… 

Walton seemed to just like hiding Hope’s things. Binkies were currency to her. It was the only item that had a hold on her similar to the way that Walton kept his blanket near by.

Walton, for the most part, thought he was helping. She had so many of them. They were always in one spot too… it seemed wrong. It seemed like they should be spread out throughout the house. Her special places should have them. The couch being the first most important spot, her bed second, and third was her highchair. It made the most sense, need he remind her?

Hope was never thrilled about this. Her binky pile was her treasure. No one, not even Mommy was allowed to touch her treasure. But before she knew it, she only had the one in her mouth and the ones she managed to hold in both hands while a smug little smile twisted up her brother’s lips up into a crooked grin.

Being that they were still considered babies, babbling fits would start up then die out just as quickly. An uncontrolled slap or two would start a new battle and then Hope’s famous shove would end their play time together. Whoever was there would pick each of them up and secure a quiet place for their temper tantrums to fizzle out.

As the twins grew so did their personalities. Hope was boisterous, while Walt was not. He was quiet. A little too quiet for Hope’s liking… but Walton never budged.

The two would play and respond like normal kids, all except for Walt’s supposed inability to speak. The boy wouldn’t talk. The very fact of it frightened Rey. What if he had a problem? What if he needed tubes in his ears or surgery to correct this? Not even her questions or concerns she had would ever register with her son.

Walt was seen by multiple doctors and each one told his mother that the boy had no issues. That the behavior could be just that, but Rey had a hard time believing it. Their entire family was vocal. Everyone fought for attention, that is, except for him.

The boy would sit back, casually, learning a thing or two, picking up a toy to play pretend with, but there were no words. The very issue had no effect on Hope. Instead, Hope filled in for everything Walt had been reserved from. She would put words in his mouth, so to speak, answering for the both of them throughout the day. 

By the time it came to be in school there were new teachers. New teachers that kept the twins together. What a concept. But even that became an issue. Hope would interfere with the class, making sure her brother got what he needed and deciding on what he didn’t for him. She was sure they didn’t know Walt the way she did, and she would stop at nothing to make sure that her brother didn’t have to speak in the event that he didn’t want to, which was all the time.

Report cards started during the second quarter of school, which didn’t bring much to the table. They considered putting Rey’s son in special classes, which because of the lack of speech, she agreed to. Twice a day an assigned speech teacher would sit with him and try to get him to speak.

It was a waste of time. 

Walton didn’t budge. They had to grade him based on the things he did instead of his oral responses. And, thanks to “no kid left behind”, Walton moved with the rest of them. He had friends even though his responses were simple head bobs or shakes. His sister would answer for him on the regular, letting them know that she knew he was being slighted even though he wasn’t talking.

The pair had speaking down to a science so to say. Hope always knew what he wanted and when, only looking to help him if he would stop hiding her stuff. First it was the binky, then snacks, then her socks and shoes, then he made it impossible to find her backpack… that was a feat. Her backpack was made entirely out of pink sequence. The smallest glint of light alone made it sparkle. It didn’t make sense that he could hide that.

As they grew up and their shenanigans seemed to slow, so were Mom and Dad. They always looked tired. A few times Mom slipped up, leaving her chocolate on the couch or in plain sight which meant Hope would find it, share it with Walt first and then spread the wealth. Oh, and how she would spread it.

Hope was great at playing bank. She embodied the concept of “some for me and some for you,” sharing with her family that she saw on the regular, and then again with other kids that came through that weren’t. People at school, Hope deemed them as unworthy. If it ever got that far she would turn away from them to give more to her brother.

Walt just got her and she got him… and that needed to be rewarded, she thought.

They spent whatever time they had on the soccer field with the older kids coming up with their own set of rules. Boys versus girls suddenly shifted to adults versus kids. The fact that Auntie Gwen allowed it was amazing and probably stemmed from not wanting to be beaten by the boys anymore. Whatever the reason, it became even more fun. Wild. Intense. But far more fun than any time before.

The kids worked the field, their little feet stomping hard on the grass below them trying their hardest to keep up with the adults as they moved down field. It made no difference to Hope and Walton how much younger they were. They would be right up there with their brothers and sisters as they barreled in with prodding limbs to get to a ball that seemed to roll off at its own accord. The several times that they were successful, the kids scored, leaving Hope and Briana to dance it out.

Being the youngest didn’t exactly apply to them as their family was always cycling through new kids. Auntie Angie would come over with the ones that they had seen before, to introduce them to their next stages in life. It was weird and not weird at the same time. Hope just knew that they had space for their extended family in other locations, thinking of them as if they were cousins.

Because of her outlookon life, Hope never dwelled on the past. The girl only stayed in the present, not breaking down her plans for the future like Hudson did all the time. Instead, she just let her day happen. If she dreamed about it, that was exactly what they were, dreams. Nothing would come true without work. And boy, how Hope liked to work.

Walt spent a lot of time by her side. His work ethic had been built up just the same as hers even though he still had yet to say anything at all.

The two of them went through the educational system all the way up until high school with their little quirks. Hope still had the mouth to cover the both of them if she needed to, and Walt found he didn’t really need his speech to get what he wanted. Grades came easy enough and the girls in school practically threw themselves at him. He was an athlete just like Hope and the majority of the rest of his family, keeping him in shape but the most impressive thing he realized far faster than other guys was that some girls just liked to be listened to. Staying quiet had its perks.

It wasn’t that he couldn’t talk either, he just chose not to. Not that Mom knew. Not that any of his  teachers knew either, but it’s his first girlfriend that gets it out of him behind the bleachers after school. She was a feisty little thing, a whole six inches shorter than him but willing to go toe to toe with anyone that bothered him. He was quite the talk of the school too. Most needing to know how he kept getting further in classes and wasn’t pushed to participate given his silence was his own doing. There were plenty of kids that would have died to know they could just clam up and ignore everything the teacher said to get out of doing the work. But they wouldn’t get it. 

They wouldn’t understand.

He was part of a family so large that it didn’t matter whether or not he spoke. The very proof of it was at dinner, every night, everyone got whatever was made. If there wasn’t enough then they had to share. It was just what it was because of all of the mouths to feed. If he spoke like the rest of them, he wouldn’t eat nearly as much as he wanted, and while there really wasn’t that much to begin with,  he wasn’t missing his opportunity to eat. Eating was far better than talking, so why bother?

His girl friend would push him needing to hear his voice. Just little things to start. A little him in her ear or a promise just for her made he day. They would skip their study halls and most recently gym class,  and as they went he found he liked using his words. His control while quiet was on point. No one would ever know they were there, but adding to it? He found he couldn’t control his volume through his need for her and this would continue until that very sound would get them caught and sent to the office.

Hope looked like she was going to be sick when she found out.

Barf.

She was a nice enough girl, but it was hard enough to imagine. 

No, she didn’t want to imagine it at all.

He wasted all this time being silent just to blow his steak on a girl?

Hope remembers Anthony giggling about it, making obvious guy jokes about how “it was” if she got him to break his silence. 

Walton, though, left most of that alone adding nothing to their imaginations. It really had nothing to do with them. His girlfriend was removed from school, however. Her parents sent her away to boarding school after they found out. He even begged them not to, it was a harsh action considering she hadn’t done much more than pull him against her. 

Missy’s Parents: 1, Walt: 0

Bringing in that tidbit ended their relationship and he had to say goodbye.

Walt rolled his eyes at himself. Had he not, would she still have been there? 

He remembers the conversation going nearly exactly the same as any other one he had throughout his childhood. Except this time just the fact that he spoke got his mother to lighten up. Hope teases him about it relentlessly, however, it isn’t until she fakes Missy’s interest that the dam breaks. 

“There’s never a reason to speak! All of you think you have the answers to everything, including my life! It’s my life! Doesn’t concern you!”

Hope stands shellshocked across from her brother weighing the challenge as if she was ready for a kick-off. Even off of the field Hope was competitive... but there’s something she’s fighting with, he can see it. 

“You’re right,” she nods. “It’s your life... that you sat out of and let everyone else pick up for you. It’s my life...” she mumbles as she passes him, shoulder checking him as she goes. “It was my life too you know.”

This is exactly why he didn’t speak in the first place. Hope had her electricity, her fight... and depending on if someone was on her good side they were given these gifts as weapons to the offending public. She was ready for anything, for anyone... and protected her brother and family through and through. And yet, Walt didn’t always see it that way. 

Hope left the house before she made any more dumb comments to him or anyone else for that matter. She had enough anyway. And if she was truly being honest with herself, the only place she really felt grounded was on the field being coached by Auntie Gwen. 

Auntie Gwen to Hope was a rockstar. She would get up early and stay out late, fully at Hope’s disposal when it came to training. The girl was being watched by recruiters for college since she was thirteen. Of course, none of them knew she was so young, but she was certainly one to keep on record. 

Hope continued with Auntie Gwen even past her high school training, which was lacking when it came down to the instruction she found there. By junior year she’d been offered full scholarships to universities on her own accord all down the east coast. Because of her time spent on the field, Hope started losing touch with her twin. She was too busy for him now. Her only goal became playing for the USA team maybe even the Olympics one day... but that meant needing to get into a high rated school and train. 

Hope had been so focused she never paid attention to the stands, missing out on all of the times her family, including Walt showed up after his own games. During them, she rarely sat. Stretching on the field whenever necessary, but always ready. She’d hydrate periodically, but wouldn’t ever look back at them. Hope always figured they weren’t there anyway. 

It was just easier like this. 

After their win, she’d lead her team in a jog back up the hill to the locker rooms to do their usual wind down. Non-varsity members were in charge of breaking down the field, an activity she never did once for high school. 

Walt, who figured this treatment was for him after their unresolved argument, decided to follow. He couldn’t watch her run away again. He didn’t need a repeat of their weird relationship with Addy and Anthony. Those two had issues that Walt didn’t want at all. And so, he followed them. 

The sound of slamming lockers and chanting could be heard from outside the gym wall; it was the girl’s locker room to be exact. The walls were so thin they joked that outsiders could hear a mouse fart in there. Just then he hears one of the girls ask where Hope went.

“I don’t know. She came in with us, didn’t she?”

“Where’s coach?”

Walt wondered the same. Their coach had always been good to them and their players. Always vigilant, always positive... protective... so where are they?

Muffled sounds seem to come from the courtyard. Being one to always listen for the quiet conversations, Walt was drawn to it. Each step he took in their direction made him feel like he was meant to be there, that he was meant to see this. 

“It’s not my place to speak about players lives, Hope, but when you’ve lived as long as I have, you start seeing the same eyes in different people. You have the eyes of someone that’s been hurt, and I hardly believe anyone has meant to hurt you dear.”

Hope rolled her eyes at her coach, not trying to allow access to her feelings. Feelings made her weak... Hope needed to stay on task, to stay focused or those damned things would eat her alive like her sister Addy allowed them to. 

“All I’m saying is, your family has been here every night to watch you play, and you haven’t them acknowledged once.”

Again Hope stayed silent. Whether she believed this woman or didn’t was all Walt could guess now.

“I wanted to share this with them and you, together you know...“

“Share what?” Hope frowns.

“Why don’t we find your parents? You may need to sit for this.”

“Sit? Wait... coach?”

“Ah, here they are.”

The whole lot of them had found Walt eavesdropping and Mom was just about ready to give him a piece of her mind when she heard her coach’s telltale team speak call them over.

“I’m glad you’re here. You should all be,” her eyes flick over to Hope’s twin, staring her challenge through him. 

Was it weird to think she knew about their struggles? She knew about Addy and Anthony’s, and Briana was certainly the talk of the sports department, what with all of her fights and the times she put the wrestling team to shame on their own mats. Hope was getting a response to something, maybe an award for all her hard work—work that Walt inadvertently pushed her to accomplish. 

With that, Hope is handed a thick white envelope. The address is personally written in ink instead of typed, while an unassuming United We Stand stamp is lined, one next to another in the corner, she frowns not knowing what this is. It’s her junior year in high school, she’s been offered interest in her from schools but it’s never seemed special. Scholarship letters were always impersonal. They were just looking for representatives in sports that made their school look better than the next. But this, this felt like more. 

She ripped into the side of it like she always had for all mail that came to the house, careful not to rip the contents at all. Inside the paper had been of a heavier grade than what schools regularly used, which is the second thing that makes her stop and wonder. Pulling the letter finally out of the envelope, she sees the header bares the logo, place, and year of the next summer’s Olympic Games when she flicks open the page with her forefinger. 

Her whole body tingles as a rush of emotion washes over her. Her hand starts to shake the page and for the first time in her life, she has no words.

It seemed only right that Walt quietly asked for the letter to read it to the group, choking on the layers of his own emotion as each word of it held such a surreal amount of pride he had for his sister. 

“The United States Olympic Committee is honored to submit to you today in the great city of Patterson to represent our great nation in its quest for the right to win gold in the Olympic Games as the youngest member of our Women’s Soccer Team...”

He’s missed how she covers her mouth in disbelief but can’t make sense of whether it’s from the news in his hand or the fact that he’s spoken all of these words, leaving behind the muted person of his past. He likes to think it’s the first but knows better when she rushes to hug him.

There she was. There they were. Even after the party that night and emotion through the days that followed, she was there and gone just like she had been through high school with him. Being homeschooled in the road wasn’t fun but she stayed the course. Even in her absence her success kept him level minded, never once straying from the pack as he continued through his schooling. 

Walt had been offered scholarships too but opted to stay around helping Uncle Finn with his projects, just looking forward to catching up with his sister whenever she called or the promise of her being home eventually seemed more important than picking a major in some far away place. 

She was the talk of the town and all now. But she was still Hope. The girl that always stood up for him even when he stood up to her.

Graduation went smoothly, all of their names had been called in order, and the Walt practiced getting up in his mind, over and over again, but heard “Hope Solo” before his.

She came? 

He cheered in his mind, but where was she? She wasn’t next to him. He would know. Hope was late... when the audience calmed down and there still was nothing from her, Walt stood and walked down to the podium to gather her diploma before his. It’s when he heard her voice call his full name he started off in a full sprint. 

She was there to give him his. 

But she wasn’t. She was there in spirit, broadcast through Skype on an iPad. Her face popped up on a projection screen behind them that was only there to show their class pictures from the photo journalism club as they stride off to collect their diplomas.

“Congratulations, Walt!” she squeals.

Her brother was at a loss, “I thought you were here.”

“Sort of. You’re there, which means I am too.”

That was heavy but she was right.

“I can’t believe you woke up for this.”

“When am I ever asleep, Walt?” she laughs, smearing a little of her eyeliner as she rubbed the corner of her eye.

“True. True...”

“Do you have ‘em?”

“What?”

“The proof— the paperwork! Get ‘em! Complete this, Walt!”

“I never thought paper would ever be this important to you.”

“When hasn’t it been? I’m where I am because of a piece of paper.”

“Not true. It was your tireless effort...”

To that she laughs. 

“Tireless. Good one.”

Hope pauses looking over at the student body, she had something to say to them too.

“Soccer is our life Walt, it’s what we were brought up on but it was so much more than chasing a ball around. It taught us things about the real world, relationship building, communication, knowing when to stop and when to push on... I learned all of that with you and our siblings. 

That means, to our classmates, there will be fear and uncertainty throughout your journey. Like my age,” she shrugs. “It’s kept me from all sorts of things growing up... but it doesn’t mean you won’t get there or can’t. Your life will be recognized by your work. You’ll see it, your journey come into fruition after climbing that emotional mountain we drag around with us. You’ll take shape and own your world, because you can, because there’s no reason not to. And I for one, can’t wait to hear about it.”

Applause rolled through the crowd as if the entire student body had accepted their diplomas and graduated after her impromptu speech. 

Walt could only feel the need to interrupt.

“Are you here? Or on your way?”

“Nah, it’s two in the morning where I am.” Her face lights up unaware of the onlooking crowd. 

“What’s the matter, Aunt Gwen couldn’t just bring you for a few hours?”

“Auntie Gwen is not into traveling. She’s a blast for most things, but not that. Besides, we’re about a month out and I don’t exactly want to chance it.”

“Don’t need any accidents,” Walt nods a little more deflated than he would have liked to, especially in front of the whole student body.

“Yeah... but I heard you guys were coming out...”

“We are?”

Hope covers her mouth in surprise. 

“Oh, I spoiled it didn’t I? Sorry, Dad,” she squeaks.

Their ceremony continues behind their conversation while Walt holds the iPad showing his twin. She confirms that plane tickets are in his graduation card. 

“There are notes there on the reservations and itinerary you should probably look at more than once...” she nods. 

Once the last name is called, he’s urged to sit down again. Not bothering to give the iPad back, he moves back to his folding chair. He didn’t have to explain, they just knew. 

“Congratulations to this year’s graduating class!” 

Caps fly high into the sky, barely a marker of where they could reach in their lives.

The following month had been a blur. It wasn’t until after Walt stepped onto foreign soil that he knew this was real. Hope made it and in a sense, he felt like he did too. Walt had been more vocal. It turned out that Hudson and Walt had more in common than they once thought. While still undeclared, he had a vision for his future and knew where his support system was. He accepted his natural right for change and was ready to let it all begin again. 

Unlike her games at home, Hope stood taller, proudly introducing her family to her team and coach. All of which enjoyed meeting the people who were such a huge part of her life. 

Hope, who never tired of the game, offered their meet and greet a chance of direction. 

“How about a family game instead of practice?”

“Oh, I don’t know if that would be fair,” teased Walt.

“Yeah I guess it wouldn’t be—“

“For you.” He interrupted.

Hope grins. 

“It was your family who got you here—“

“Always sure of yourself...”

“When it’s the truth.”

“Let’s see about that, big brother.”

“You’re on, binky Queen.”

Hope’s jaw drops. 

“Did you just call me a baby?”

“Yep, you gonna cry or change our minds?”

“I think I already have...” she points to her uniform logo sitting over the five Olympic Rings. 

“Alright, enough you two. Let’s settle this on the field,” one of her teammates suggests. “Easy game though, yeah?”

“Oh, it will be...” teases Walt.

“For us, you mean,” Hope playfully shoulder checks him on the way over.

“Some things never change,” Ben whispers in Rey’s ear. 

His wife’s grays now matching his own, sway back and forth as she turns to him and smiles, nodding at his statement. 

“Would you want it to?”

At the shake of his head, Hope calls over her shoulder for her parents to catch up, smiling when she does, as if she was seven again.


	24. Final Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yes, but… It’ll come,” he promises. “Just like everything else.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEK! We have made it to the last chapter for real this time! I can’t even tell you how excited I am about it either! Deciding to go further with multiple Epilogues helped develop this story into far more than I initially imagined, so thank you for the inspiration💖💖💖!!
> 
> I did leave some things left to the imagination because if you can believe it, I’m wondering how the concept of a sequel would take to Ben, Rey, Rose and Finn going on into their golden years as grandparents. Is there any interest in that?
> 
> If there is, tell me and I’ll figure it out. Right now though, I’m working on finishing up a few open stories and one for House Plaidam. 💖💖
> 
> ——
> 
> Also, I’d like to thank everyone who supported me through this project: 
> 
> Kaybohls and her brilliant moldboards really brought life to so many of these chapters, I really can’t thank her enough for her time and talent. 🤩🤩🤩 Cupcake! I 💖 you!!
> 
> All of you guys who have stopped by to read this or shared your own lives in response comments, or left kudos, or both, I can’t tell you how much I really appreciate you and your interest. It makes me so happy that you’ve enjoyed this as much as I have while writing it. 
> 
> And most importantly... all of you out there with and without kids, your lives are unique to you. Be proud of who you are, I am. You’re doing it, getting out there, being the best you you can be... that is huge, and you should be proud of it. 💖💖

Since their marriage, Ben and Rey’s lives had been anything but slow paced. Between learning curves and sifting schedules for each new member of their large family through blood right or otherwise, decompressing rarely happened. Just the ability seemed so far out of reach they rarely did. The only one that got time to herself went to work. An actual place. It drove her to get up, get showered, changed into real work clothes, socks, shoes? Actually, making an effort to tie her shoes—that was the comfort of legends right there. Snug fitting shoes strapped tightly to her feet, ready to cushion her steps regardless of whether or not she landed on hot pavement or Duplo blocks, she was ready for them.

Rey figured Rose had it all. She had a paying escape which she remembered being such a pleasure during the day. The grass, however, never seemed to be greener. Rose could be such a crank-ass when she got home, her schedule conflicted so much with the kids that they would clash—nearly all the time.

Thankfully it was short lived. 

In fact, it took a little more than a year for Anthony and Addy to grow out of their loud baby behavior and was grateful when Briana followed suit. Sure, they all had their lingering issues what with sibling rivalry and all, but this was a natural stage of life. One she remembered all too well at Care for Us and in any home, she found herself staying at in between. 

The behavior wasn’t exactly pretty but if she was being honest with herself, those damned toys were the biggest instigators. Rose hated them. First, because they were loud as fuck. In the store they seem like they were a manageable volume, but it was almost as if it reassessed its surroundings and rights to the full volume of the predetermined box. 

That sucked.

It more than sucked.

Especially after particularly draining shifts where all she could think about was sinking into the comfort of her bed, surrounded in near silence. Of course, the noise level would start off low, being it was down the hall and in the kitchen, but that was short lived. All toys, including baby ones came back into their large bedroom, killing all hopes for silence. 

It honestly was one of the many things that got under her skin when she had exactly no rest or chance of it ever returning to her. Kids made this an unattainable task leaving Rose to seriously consider living with the teens across town.

“I swear they make loud baby toys for old people,” she grumbled one afternoon, giving up sleep altogether. Her next shift started in seven hours and she was literally running on only three after finding a Furby under her pillow. That thing was promptly drop kicked out the back door. 

It wasn’t that she hated toys. She just went into full beast mode when something or someone fucked with her sleep. That Furby might not be in the garbage but it wasn’t coming in anytime soon. 

Their back yard became limbo for toys that found their way under Rose’s skin. In the event that they really did have soul, like in those creepy Toy Story movies, she would be the first to mow them over. No plastic that they paid for was ever going to haunt her! 

The volume, odd sounds and a variety of moments they’d go off always seemed to get the conversation going.  Last time they gathered by the couch in the living room, a radio-controlled truck started lurching forward into things and ultimately fell from the shelf. That made her squeal, waking the babies back then. 

Oh, how no one found a reason to let that go, by the way....

As the kids started to age, the parent’s stay together as an adult pow-wow regained time. Time, they started out with years ago, even still sort of had when Hudson was a baby, was back. Three adults to one child made still feeling like an adult possible. The moment the numbers shifted in their “mini me’s” favor—it was over. Sure, the surprising addition of Ben Solo and all of their news, going through the motions of family hijinks was definitely an unplanned success. In fact, that helped their numbers, until it didn’t. Equal was still unequal; the children still took over.The teens grew up and moved on like they were meant to. Ben and Rey’s kids pretty much took over which was expected. They knew only enough about their mother and aunts and uncle’s lives to get along with the idea that there were no grandparents like the ones in story books or special school days. Rey didn’t think they would ever really be ready to know about her life before them, so she remained strong through it all, for them.

By the time Finn found out about his parents, the questions started flowing about their mother. It was heartbreaking for Ben to watch Rey tell them that they weren’t ready to know. Anthony, still being a ball buster about certain things, through a fit like Addy would. In fact, it was a sleepless few weeks, but it had nothing to do with Hope and Walton’s teething escapades. To avoid this, Ben did his best to bring up his own parents explaining that when two people love each other and get married, one person’s relatives become the other’s.

It seemed to work for their kids.

Not for Hudson.

Nope.

The boy was cerebral. Nothing got past him. He made sure to lay into the harder questions which Ben countered constantly with an even deeper thought. Rose would stare holes through his forehead as if she could stop Ben midsentence. It didn’t work.

In fact, the more time the four of them spent together, the less Ben worried so much about Rose. She was harmless to a point, but mess with her sleep or use all of the beans before she made her cup of joe, and they were dealing with a whole different person.

The for of them would usually hang out right before the bedtime routine, which the kids usually looked forward to. After that was detox time which now that they were coupled off, it made far more sense to have a snuggle instead of a snack as a group. Snack locations were something Ben always wondered about. Food was given at the table, but it never stayed there. It would be traipsed around the house, ground into the carpet or smushed so deep into the vinyl flooring it could very well just stay a part of the floor. It also disappeared in the couch and reappeared when snack would be denied like a back up plan. There seemed to be safehouses for bags of snacks where stand-alone Cheerios would find pockets of fluff to settle into.

Snack item covered in hair? No issue. They knew how to chew around it.

However, if food touched another item at the table it was treated like toxic waste. Clearly, the parents were trying to kill them.

In the beginning it wasn’t hard to come by. In fact, there were ample amounts of servings for every meal but as they grew, they became sneaky, their feet would unstealthily give their location but swiping food was an artform. Anthony and Addy were after fruit platters and bread, while Hudson would opt for yogurt instead. Mom _did_ say that there were such things as frozen yogurt shops…which made him figure that yogurt was obviously another vehicle for sprinkles. Rainbow sprinkles that he could reach in the cabinet if he got the right chair, that is.

Mmm, yogurt and sprinkles, together at last, Ben wanted to gag.

Briana was different. She didn’t exactly swipe food; she liked the sugar packets that diners had lined up in small dishes next to the coffee pots. It wasn’t something they practiced, per se, but if she could find the sugar bowl, it was half empty by the time it was time to use it.

Hope and Walton stuck with the veggies, one upping their older siblings as they went. It always felt good as a parent to know that two out of five kids wouldn’t have cavities down the road.

That was something that flashed before Ben’s eyes. God! Taking them to the dentist was the cruelest thing he’s ever had to do to them. Most of the kids did fine. No cavities, no issues, despite their constant snacking… but Briana… Good God! They had to fill a few holes and the way she carried on made him feel like both the strongest and weakest parent in the entire world. They had to wrap her up in a papoose on a backboard and put her tiny frame into the dental chair. The girl was so strong that it barely kept her still, forcing him to hold her down while she got the care she needed.

He was sure she had never been so angry but the moment it was over, she popped right up and asked for a prize.

That night, drained from the emotional trauma Ben had been in during that appointment, Finn offered the man a beer and a seat next to him in the living room on the old couch, while the girls sat in armchairs to the right of them. It would have been ideal to get the chairs, or swap Finn with Rey for obvious reasons, but this was where the last man sat. It had been this way for years and he would look like an ass stomping his feet around wanting Rey to sit by his side.

He could wait.

Impatiently, but he could.

Starting their conversations with a crack of the can tonight, Finn brings up his day. Every day felt like a marathon. When they were up, they were moving. Except for Walt, he was kind of like a baked potato. Squishy, rounded, okay with not moving unless someone moved him. But this really has nothing to do with his woes today.  
No, today it is all about child behaviors.  
“What is it with asking for a snack every hour?” Finn asks. 

This strikes up a real conversation with speculation, mostly coming up with the fact that they see Finn as the food bringer.

“Okay, but this food bringer doesn’t give food all the time.”

“Most of the time,” Rose corrects. “You give a lot more than you know. Come to think of it, I think I may be the only one saying no.”

“I think you may be right,” nods Rey.

“So, sue me, I don’t want to have to deal with loose poops when I’m home. It honestly shouldn’t even have to be said.”

“You know what I want to know,” Ben chimes in. “Why can they sense when I’m on the phone?”

Rey smirks, about ready to give her response when he keeps going.

“I literally just thought of calling to pay a bill and they all started yelling at the same time.”

“They see that thing as a threat.” Finn explains, “It is. Whatever soul sucker that was on the other line was taking your attention; to them it’s evil and you should be alerted. Man, even when they have your attention, they don’t think they have it. I can stare at Hudson ALL DAY and _the_ second I bite my fingernail, he is _in_ my face making sure I didn’t miss anything.”

“Alright, calm down tiger,” Rose encourages him to stop.

“Calm down? Do you know how frustrating that is?”“Yep! Your son came out of me. I know all and see all… and I can’t avoid the bullshit.” Rose takes a sip of her Corona before she starts again. “You know what I don’t understand… and its part of the reason I refuse to have any more kids...”

Finn’s gaze caught hers. It bothered him that Hudson wouldn’t have a true sibling but never really listened to why. Not until now that is.

“I never understood why they get wilder when they’re tired? Why can’t they just give up without being held? I’m tired too. I mean I get that you guys do this all day, but you don’t work like I do. You’ve been out of the field for far long enough not to really remember the day to day, but it doesn’t make my job any less stressful. Add on a child that doesn’t want to listen, is entirely too intelligent for himself, and needs me constantly, I just don’t think I can do more.”

Her conversation clearly derailed themselves from being a silly, casual one, to something far frailer.

“No one said you needed to have more, Rose.” Rey tried to slow her friend’s forward thinking. “Besides, we would only have three if twins didn’t run in his family,” Rey nodded to Ben who smiled casually.

He would be lying if he said he didn’t like being called out like that. It was a hell of a lot of male pride knowing he gave more than his fair share to her and he’d surely do it again if she ever asked.

She wouldn’t though. Rey was tired. He could see this.

They truly only had one more year before they were completely out of the baby stages. Not that being a toddler was considered being a baby but, they still looked like babies, babbling and telling people off at the drop of a hat. That was a feat. Rose couldn’t tell Angie how much she respected the girl’s patience. The very fact that she chose to stay with Care for Us and tend to the younger crowd spoke volumes about her character and Rose was all about reminding people who they were to her.

Finn still babbles everything he says to the kids.

Every.

Last.

Thing.

And Rose for one is tired of it. If he kept it up, they would start to think that the added syllables and sounds were right, which would ultimately delay their language growth. Not to mention, the baby talk had Hudson reexploring the concept of Hudsonish, that she really wanted to do without. The boy would squeal something, making popping sounds with his mouth and say that means, “No.”

What he failed to see was that Rose didn’t allow anyone to mess with “no”.

No was no.  

And when Hud would challenge her with what “Daddy said,” she would nearly shudder in pain.

This is why she worked. This was it. This made the walk in, holding her keys in one hand and mace in the other all worth it. So, what if the perp was unarmed? That person wouldn’t know what hit them. “Mess with me,” she’d offer under her breath. “You don’t know the day I’ve had.”

“Some days I think I married the Punisher,” Finn jokes.

“What days do you think you didn’t?” she retorts.

“Fair point… I guess none.”

A rolled-up sock flies in his direction.

“What I mean is…”

“Yeah, yeah…”

____

 

Over the years that pass the kids have grown and seen better days. Everyone is dealing with their changes. They seem to be wound for sound in a way that never occurred to them before. What was fine when they were little or needed a slight adjustment then became more of a pain. One parent would be required, and when that one would fail, the other would come in. Some days it would work and others, well, other days were absolutely horrendous.

Hudson singlehandedly took over education as they knew it in their public school. It was certainly entertaining to see him go toe to toe against teachers, the Board of Education and his peers when he needed to, which was new. He only ever picked at his “cousins”. Doing it to his peers meant he was in control of the situation. He felt comfortable and was willing to go out on the limb to make them see he wasn’t going to be pushed around because of his age. The very thought of it brought a smile to her face.

Anthony and Addy were always at it. He had his friends and she had hers, but for some reason he was always drawn to her. For somethings, this was fine. They needed each other, they would see, but for others. God! It was just the worst!

Rey cringes when she thinks of the time Addy had her first period. She thought she was dying. Literally, could not grasp the fact that this happens to every woman everywhere and Anthony had no business in it at all but for some reason the kid had to stuff his face in her face whenever the opportunity arose. This started some issues all of which could have been fixed if Addy wasn’t so damned emotional.

Briana was basically the one woman show combining the two of their “powers” with her own. The girl was emotionally charged ready and willing to take anyone down for the sake of her family. It was beautiful and scary, reminding her of herself in some stages even though they weren’t exactly related. She would go out of her way to make things right, even when the odds were stacked against her. If her little fight in Kindergarten was a whisper of what she would be like in the future, she surely would live up to it.

Hope and Walton? They were inseparable. It didn’t help that for the good majority of the boy’s life they thought something was wrong with him either. Hope would stay the course. She could handle it. She was strong, but so was he. He didn’t let anyone push him around. Silent or not. He could just give them a look and whoever was giving him a hard time would stand down. The boy was no fool and certainly got his challenging stare from his sister. Rey knew this at least, even if Ben wanted to believe it was his. It wasn’t. She knew her kids.

Not that he didn’t. He _was_ with them all the time, but now so was she. Rey assumed it was a Mom thing to just know. An intuition of sorts.

That’s it.Some things weren’t though. Ben, more than once, found himself calling her out on the Mother’s intuition when they lost all of the bottles in the house. Or, God, when they would find one filled with an ecosystem created on a formula foundation for the last six months. Ben could hurl just looking at that condensed brick of powdered milk disasters staring him in the face. He was sure there had to be more than a hundred things living in there, and quite possibly the missing link between dinosaurs and whatever evolved after them.

Bottles were not the only gross thing he would find either. Kids are just gross. One of them, he’s still unsure of who it was, and at this point, it really could be either of the sexes too. All of them had noses. All of them had boogers, but not all of them snot rocketed them walls or what’s worse, wiped them on the carpet. His argument would always flash back to babies not knowing any better, but they weren’t babies anymore. The youngest were just about to turn ten. The very fact that he had to bring it up on more than one occasion did things to him.

It seemed that Finn was onto something about his babbling. The kids freaking ate that right up. They loved it. Everything about going back to a life that they were always being the center of attention seemed to call to them. “Goo Goo, Ga Ga!” was practically screamed through the halls right before bed or any time someone was just too emotionally charged to handle life. Ben felt for Addy since a lot of this would happen in lieu of what she did or said.

But it really was more.

Finn was good about it though, changing the subject as he knew how. He just knew when it would just go too far. Instead of letting it, he would start Anthony on long Madd Lib type stories which would morph oddly from normal concepts into tales that would include poop or some other version of fecal matter flopping around on a rainbow road.

Otherwise the family just had code. A solid one that the soccer field would bring out in them. It wasn’t something they could be taught or teach others. It was just there. The moment they stepped past the sidewalk, through the patchy pieces that couldn’t be considered part or the field, they were there on the same level. They played like little adults even though they were far from it.

____

 

Rey remembers the day that she told Ben that parenting wasn’t a skill that they magically gained for popping out a child or multiple children. It was a learning experience and boy did they learn. They learned and learned and learned…

Again, they were there on the couch in the evening. Their kids were older now, listening in as they loved to. Hearing about what they did, or their parent struggled with gave them a sense of calm. A reminder of sorts that they were just humans trying to be parents for the greater good of their own families. It did help that most of the stories remembered were funny.

“I remember,” Ben started, “When you guys were younger, still in diapers,” he eyes Hope and Walton, “You guys had the stinkiest diapers. I mean you pooped like little humans!”

“We were little humans!” Hope reminded him.

“Were?” questions Uncle Finn.

“Ugh, you know what I mean!”

“Yes! Right… but you were babies, still with the baby smell and all so it _was quite_ surprising when you could muster up a smell like that.”

“You know we resorted to Fabreezing the garbage? There was always at least one diaper that would infiltrate the entire house… It didn’t matter where we went, we could always smell poop. ALWAYS! Like there was a smear of it somewhere. And you know your Mom,” Hope interrupts Uncle Finn. 

“Yeah, Mom cleans all the time. I don’t think there was ever one that you didn’t.”

“Oh, there was,” Rey jumps in. “I was a person before this too.”

“You are a person.”

“Being a parent and a person are two different things. Parents that can be people while they’re parents are living the dream.”

“What do you mean by that?” asks Anthony.

With that the entire room goes silent. She had explained this when she first met Ben and it surely takes her back. She can remember the space and how bad she wanted chocolate after the day she just had but needed to do a little more adulting.

“When you’re a parent, all you can think about is the other person you’re in charge of. I had the two of you first,” nodding to Addy and Anthony. “While there was help from your aunt and uncle, I still needed to put you guys first. And I started to feel guilty for having them taking care of you. Parenting kind of swings your equilibrium right out from your center making you almost inhuman.”

Everyone still looks at her waiting for more.

“The thing is, babies are resilient, yes… but they need so much time and care that as a parent couldn’t function for myself anymore. I couldn’t do it without having to leave… working, like Aunt Rose, helped. You guys are my sun and moon, but goodness I don’t know if I could have done any of this without my own network of people.”

Rose leans in for a hug.

“You guys would touch everything. You’d eat everything. It didn’t matter if the sockets were covered, you could get into them. It didn’t matter if I was doing laundry, you needed to confiscate the soap. It didn’t matter if I kept things high, you would work together to get it. It just didn’t matter. And then we added Daddy and Briana and things just felt right. It felt like we could do this. It felt like they belonged—they do belong. Briana was too young for you guys being almost four when she came home.”

Ben lit up at the use of home. He did come home, didn’t he?

“You guys were good to her. Interested. Safe… more positive things than I could have ever assumed were going to happen, did.”

“Because of you,” added Ben. “You made this possible. You made it work…”

“We made this work. All of us. You were here when I needed you, Rose was, Finn was, our kids were… are… you guys made this possible because you’re here.”

What was supposed to be a funny conversation turned into an emotional hug fest. Their kids found that they needed to work on themselves and the interesting reality of parenthood that Mom had given them settled deep within their minds. Her kids were aware of the world to a point, but this was something they needed if they wanted a family in the future.

“Not to end this lovely moment but has anyone seen my phone?” asks Rose.

“Oh… yeahhhh… I—” Hudson muttered.

“What…”

“I put it in the fridge.”

“Why?”

“I couldn’t get into it and the alarm kept going off.”

“So, you put it in the fridge.”

“I would have put it in something else if it would have muted the ringing, but no one ever checks the oven before they turn it on…”

“Oh my God, Hud! You didn’t think of maybe the condensation that would build up on it when I take it out to warm it?”

“There’s no water in it—how could it possibly…”

“Not all air is dry!”

“Okaaayyy…”

“This is what I’m talking about,” Rey adds. “You all have minds of your own. For us,” she runs her fingers through Ben’s hair, curling it around his ear, “we have five against two… sometimes, it feels like six against one, because Daddy can be quite the child too.”

“And MINE is like FIFTEEN AGAINST ONE!” Rose calls over her shoulder.

“The point is, when you have yours, you’ll learn how to be a parent every day. It changes. Some things stay the same, but if you haven’t noticed you’re not babies anymore. That means we can’t treat you like babies. We have to change just like you are.”

They move on to talking about school, bringing up the fact that Mom had her shirt on inside out when it was her turn to sit in for one of the parent teacher meetings. It almost looked like the style, except for the buttons on her blouse were on the reverse side. When she noticed it, it was too late to change. A fair amount of the staff had already seen her. What was one more?

That was the thing though. Functioning was hard. Hope and Walton had finally moved on to being Kindergarteners and they were still buying wipes for potty training. There wasn’t a moment that she had gone without which meant she always knew where the package was, or where a spare bag was at least. 

Until she didn’t.

One day, the kids all had stomach bugs, bile and poo flying from their prospective holes had them raw from the overuse of toilet paper. Rey was sure there were wipes _somewhere_. If she had to lug the six of them to the store with her to buy another bag when she knew she had one in the house, she would have been okay with them touching every last package of EVERYTHING in the store out of frustration.

“Where did you find that bag again?” Finn prodded.

“In the snack cabinet.”

The room howled with laughter.

“Why was it in there?” laughed Hope.

“The bag is green like that plantain chips bag you like. I bet it even felt like that when I picked it up, so I put it in there not even thinking about it.”

Her kids laughed harder.

Stories evolved from this to wondering why it was surprise that adults go potty? Why do kids stare at you when you’re in there? Why is it so weird to be potty trained when everyone around them is doing it? Of course, the kids didn’t know either. They tried defending their actions with reasons they couldn’t quite deliver.

Ben would talk about when he was younger and what his parents would complain about. Most of their issues were that he was always out. Always.

“I learned a lot on my own, but my parents wanted to be in on it too. Mom, your grandma, would show up to games and practices, talking to other parents to make sure she got the schedule and whatever field locations right.” He laughs, “I thought that was annoying when I was in high school. All she had to do was ask me… but I mean I wasn’t really ever around.”

“Why not?” asked Briana.

“I didn’t have siblings. I don’t have what you guys have. So instead of sticking around, I went out on my own. It just made more sense to me back then.”

“Does it make sense now?”

Ben gives her a curious look.

“You’re always here. Always. I know you’ll be here when I go to school and come home. I just do… What I mean is, do you miss being out? Gone?”

“No,” he answers without a doubt.

Rey releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“Back then, I felt like I had nothing. I wasn’t close with my family like you all are. So, I was chasing dreams. Dreams that led me right back here, for you,” he says to Briana. “Staying was the best decision of my life.”

Rey knew Ben’s sincerity. He was hers and theirs.

She knew from the way he’d look at her, his touch, the very fact that he still sang to her while they danced at night, that he was hers and never going anywhere else. It still made her heart race.

More stories of oopsies came up like putting the milk in the freezer, on and on until the majority of them fell asleep on the couch. On nights like these, the kids were blanketed and left to sleep there. While Ben and Finn could carry them, they had learned that moving sleeping children was like trying to keep wind chimes in a storm quiet. If they woke up, it was over. Almost like the thirty seconds of sleep gave them full power.

It wasn’t worth it.

Each got their own blanket and a pillow that they could eventually find and were left like that for the night.

___

 

“I can’t believe they’re teenagers…” Rey says covering her cheeks.“What do you mean? They’ve been teenagers,” Ben counters.

“Yeah but not all of them… the babies … they’re thirteen now… teeeeeeeennnnnssss…”

This really is no surprise. Or should be no surprise considering Hudson was now twenty, Addy and Anthony just turned nineteen, and Briana was sixteen. Rey’s whole world revolved around babies before her own, and then even in their years where they were growing up, she never really thought she would be here. It wasn’t like the house was quieter now though. It was wilder than before. Each of them could speak up for themselves, all but Walt that is. They could get or make their own food, do their own chores –although that one seemed to be constantly missed, and at least half of them could drive.

They all were on their way which made Rey cringe a little. It was scary. She had a family so they would stay, so she would never be alone. So why did she feel alone? Why was an age so scary?

Regardless of how Rey felt, the kids were on the move. Sports filled the majority of their lives. The only one that deviated from that was Addy who preferred her guitar over soccer nights. She wound up being the first to move out too, which was hardly a surprise based on Anthony’s constant annoyances which she promised was torture. 

That was hard. It seemed to hurt both Rey and Anthony the same way. And it wasn’t until Anthony met his girlfriend that they all seemed to move out.

She wasn’t even really in an empty nest, but it didn’t stop her from feeling like half of her was gone. There was a hole there. Briana was more than halfway out which meant Hope and Walt weren’t so far behind. It didn’t exactly help that while one twin relationship was healing the other was finding turbulence.

Walt didn’t make things easy while Hope always looked for the light but was never afraid of her darker side. Like, Briana, Hope could turn on a dime. The girl could go from the bright soul to one ready for doom and destruction, all with a smile on her face. Rey saw her shift after being called down to the main office about Walt’s little escapade with a girl he never mentioned. The thought wasn’t lost on her. Hope turned. She didn’t reach out for family… but instead reached for Auntie Gwen.

Gwen had been in the loop for most things thanks to Finn but stayed out of them due to her responsibilities. Angie had been doing a great job taking over her own for long enough to embrace Hope. She took the girl under her wing to train at every moment of every day that she didn’t need to be in school or at home. They matched studying with soccer, helping find easier ways for the girl to keep her grades high and her skill higher.

Word got out of her abilities by her freshman year of high school having recruiters offer her scholarships back then. Each time they were surprised to know that she wasn’t a senior, asking if they could keep her on a list to review her for junior year. That bothered Rey. It seemed strange that they would keep her information for years, even if she decided not to go.

What was weirder was that she would cut herself off from the family. She wouldn’t even acknowledge them when they took over most of the stands when she played. Walt would. He would wave at them, even smile or give a little head bob when he would make his way back to the bench for a break. Not Hope. She was so focused she couldn’t see them. Or at least that’s what Rey wanted to believe.

Junior year made the twins sixteen that fall. Rey already felt like she was losing her… sometimes she even felt like she was losing Walt too. While he was friendly with them in his own silent way, he wasn’t exactly trying to speak or be a part of their lives. Did she lose him too?

“Hey,” Ben tried to bring her back from her thoughts. They had been at Hope’s latest game, watching her take their team back up to the locker room when Rey finally blinked back her wonder.

“Yeah,” she answered not knowing he didn’t ask a question. “What?” she tried again when she realized there wasn’t one.

“You seemed far away; are you okay?”

Rey nodded not sure of what to say anymore.

“The game’s over. Did you want to meet her up there?”

They were going to surprise her with dinner celebrating their success beating their rival team for the third time this season.

“Uh, yeah. Yes.” Rey corrected herself. “Where’s um… where’s Walt?”

The group of them look for him finding out that he’s already up by the school.

Rey is ready to give him a piece of her mind when she reaches his side. Addy went through this with Anthony, didn’t he learn _anything?_

The very moment she opens her mouth to say something, she doesn’t know what stops her.

News. Emotion. God, there’s so much emotion. Rey can’t hear anything but the ringing in her ears for a moment. Although, it truly feels longer than that. What was she saying? What were any of them saying? Why couldn’t she respond?  
The images before her had her wondering what was real and fake. Was it a dream? Surely not the start of a memory. No, this had to have been from a documentary they had watched last week. Maybe Hope was being celebrated for something else. Where was it? The award. Where did they put it? Why didn’t anything make sense?But then it did.

It hit Rey hard.

Walt was speaking. He read something—something important. There’s a flash of an image she’ll try to remember later. Something important. Something surreal. And then her daughter rushed her, squeezing her in a tight hug like she was still seven.

“Mom! Can you believe it?”

The sound of her voice sent waves of chills through her system and then a warm lump in her throat would combat that. It felt as though it was swelling, hitting every nerve ending in its path.

“Wh-what?”

“I’m, I was…”

“Accepted,” her brother croaked.

There was chatter all around making it hard for her to focus.

“I’ll be an Olympian Mom!”

“Wh-Who signed you up?”

Hope’s brow furrowed not expecting such a response but then she found she didn’t know either. Coach promised it wasn’t her, adding that it could have been a recruiter. That didn’t settle well. Who in their right mind would allow that? She flashes back to the beginning being angry that someone took a photo of Baby Netal’s possible father back then and finally back to this. Her fury etches over her features and Hope is not sure if she should be happy about “defensive mom” or mad that her mother couldn’t see that this was an important time for her.

“What? Aren’t you proud of me?”

“That is not the point. Someone did it without asking. What else could they have on you?”

“Mom,” Hope rolled her eyes at her mother.

“No, I’m serious! I’m not taking from your accomplishments, I am, however, scared for your safety! Do we even know if this is a legitimate letter? Or if it isn’t one of those scam notices like people send in email?”

“Mom!” Hope grumbles.

“You have to understand, I’m just looking out for your safety,” Rey snips. “Look, there’s a phone number. I’m going to call it.”“Oh my God, Mom…”

Rey could have been more embarrassed about her outburst over the phone, but she wasn’t sure how. That is, until she was sitting across the table from the coach of the United States team. Good Lord she was praying to God that the floor would swallow her hole. They addressed her recorded phone call and all of the threatened Mom things she had to say all coming to the conclusion that it was normal. Thankfully normal. Embarrassing, but normal.

It also wound up being the last day that Hope stayed home. It was settled. Gwen would then take her on as her guardian, making sure she still did her homeschooling, work, and practice properly.

Gwen as her guardian shouldn’t have bothered Rey as much as it did. Gwen _was_ family and all...So why did it still hurt?

___

 

Ben did his best to help Rey through this time in her life. Walt was still there feeling the same pain his mother was, or close to it. They would go to Addy’s bar and grill, the one she started with Ashley and her brother Derek a few years ago. They spent time back and forth from there and the Solo house, so they didn’t wind up spending too much time at home. The change seemed to affect his wife, and he couldn’t figure out how to alleviate that for her without avoiding being home.

Anthony and his wife, Meghan, as well as Addy who was still happily with Tim and Briana came alone after dumping some guy for forgetting her name, would all come around on holidays, but it didn’t seem right without Hope. They would set a place for her at the table and put the tablet there, even if she was more than six hours ahead of them. She would try to stay awake but most of the time though all they could see was the white glare creating a halo over her on the crown of her hazel waves. She would fall asleep through dinner only waking to see that her connection had cut out in the morning.

Ben couldn’t help but feel for them. People always talked about the road to glory but never what it was like when the entire family couldn’t be together. He knew Rey was dealing with it in the worst way too. Not being there for her daughter as she wanted to be was hard at every other time of the year, but worse now. The memories of life before this would run through her mind as if they were on a loop. Hope would bake with her mother and show her that it really wasn’t as hard as she was making it. They bonded over telling the other that their mistakes weren’t worse than those cookies they made that tasted like burnt glue.

How did they know that by the way? 

Well… Uncle Finn loved trying to mimic those holiday bake off shows and one had done a segment on building with gingerbread. His wasn’t as hard as it should have been which prompted him to hot glue his version of a Star Destroyer together. He figured this would be the easiest to structure since his cardboard model was straight forward enough.

It wasn’t.

And he failed to mention that the whole thing was put together with glue, so, when they went to pick at the decorations keeping it together, they got pieces covered in adhesives and lots of it.

Hope and Mom had tried to rectify the situation with the next easiest thing to do, given their remaining ingredients and that went just as poorly. Anything they made was now sniffed and picked at until it was deemed as “safe matter” due to their burnt glue cookie escapade.

The girls were close, Ben remembered. All the kids were really, but Hope seemed to latch onto whoever needed her most and mom became the last recipient or that. It only seemed right to do everything in his power to help them reconnect. The games would be here and gone in a few months, but he couldn’t deal with seeing her decompose over their distance. He knew she saw it as more.

___

Graduation was right around the corner. Hope steadily reached out to her father making sure that the plans were all in order. Their conversations would trail from their plans to what they were up to in terms of media to mask them when someone entered the room too. This secret was top secret and would remain so.

“You would not believe the garbage I caught them saying about me, painting me out to be some Cinderella story.”

“Calm down. I hardly see why this is a bad thing.”

“Dad...watch it. It’s awful. They even made my background pink. Pink, Dad.”

“You did have purple and pink polka dotted sheets when you were a kid…”

“That’s not the point. Who is going to fear _pink_?”

“What if it’s supposed to be like that to talk you down? Like, what if they’re hiding you as a secret weapon.”

“Dad… this is soccer, not—”

And here comes Mom.

“I did see it. Is that a ribbon in your hair?” asks Rey.

“Yeah, Mom… I’m trying to start something, and this pink makes me feel like that old No Doubt song Auntie Gwen doesn’t stop playing.”

Ben could have sworn it was the most beautiful sound he’d heard when Rey spits a laugh that turns into a full-on giggle.

Do it again he urges with his eyes. 

It’s a look that Hope clearly doesn’t miss but now wasn’t the time. Mom practically asked why she was doing something girly and needed an answer.

“I got it weaved into my hair so I can’t lose it, but it isn’t pink, its an amber color. I want to use it to get the world thinking about adoption. I’m on a huge platform now. If they really want to talk about me, they should be talking about you guys too. And not just you but Care for Us, and Auntie Gwen, our whole family. They should know the real struggles and what kids go through when they don’t have the luxury of family. They all should know… and maybe we can make a difference. Maybe people wouldn’t be so one sided.”

Tears formed in her mother’s eyes as her little girl spoke. At first all she can do is nod but then the dam breaks.

“I’m so proud of you, Hope. This, this is a huge thing you’re doing. I hope you know what this means to us, to me.”

“I do, Mom.”

“I wish I could be there with you. Where’s Gwen? Can you make her hug you?”

“Well…”

Rey’s face falls and then concern washes over her.

“No, no… she’s in the bathroom.”

“Oh, right, the time. Probably handling her mask. Will you be awake for your ceremony?”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t miss it, Mom.” Hope looks at Dad. “I can’t wait to see what he says. Do you think he’ll be surprised?”

“Without a doubt.”

The ride over was anything but quiet. Everyone was still buzzing with nervous energy hoping that her connection would come in strong and stay throughout the ceremony. Finn and Rose filled one car with younger siblings that were still growing up with them while Ben and Rey took Addy and Ashley, who left Derek to handle the restaurant by himself. Anthony and Meghan came with their own news that threatened to break every time they hit a bump but decided to wait until the day after. 

This was Hope and Walton’s day. 

All the way in the back with his sister and her friend was Walt who differed to it being he already knew. Anthony wasn’t exactly good at keeping secrets and since his lips were usually sealed there was no issues with an accidental share when Walt was involved. 

This graduation was far different than any of the others. Rey received looks from other parent that made her uncomfortable, as if they still didn’t know if they should share the same pride their parents had for Hope yet or not.  It was fine. This was all fine, Rey would try to remind herself. They didn’t understand. 

How could they?

This night would be one that they would never forget though. The moment Hope’s name is called, she appears on the projection screen to the right of the class. Walton, as predicted, completely misses it. Instead, he makes his way to the platform for her. What a good boy his mother thought, until she saw it too.

The moments play out as a Hallmark movie. Rey can’t believe what’s happening and then that little tidbit about tickets and an itinerary in Walt’s card made all the blood drain from her face. Rey felt just as lightheaded as the time Ben asked her to marry her. “What?” she asks Ben, who tightened his grip on her.

“We’re going to see her.”

___

 

Just like that they were there reminiscing with Hope and her teammates about their lives, sitting with their families, getting to know one another. The games were intense and when they weren’t practicing, they would seek out other events to support the USA team too. Hope Solo was followed by media constantly, still painting her as some golden child, switching her color from pink to gold instead.

This wasn’t a huge upset to Hope. It was a step in the right direction, in color at least. But they still didn’t get who she was or what she could do.

By semi finals the stakes were higher. She was in her element, even in the heat, she felt unstoppable. Her team knew it. Competitors knew it. And yet, they still had her as some sweet thing, cheering on her team.

It isn’t until the end of the third game that they capture the beast within Hope. Mom knew exactly when it happened too. The moment a chunk of her hair was pulled out, the weave to be exact… the stadium felt it. Her shift. They watched her rage paint her face. They felt her pain, her hunger for a fight. All five foot seven of her threatened the woman who was responsible. She wanted her to know what she did. But the burn of her fire only simmered over her skin. She promised that no one knew what was coming now.

Her bald spot was low enough to cover but Hope didn’t want that. It signified something. It was a symbol. It was her power.

Gwen offered to buzz the bottom half of her hair, but she felt like it might make her feel off balance.

“Getting a haircut now won’t make you feel balanced, Hope.”

“I need to, I can’t leave it like that. A light ponytail is going to mess me up. It has always been heavy and long. I need it all to match. I need to practice with it. I need—”

“To calm down,” her coach says. 

“You don’t know what that meant to me. To my family,” of course the media is there to pick it up. Every last word is recorded. It’s like they knew how to highlight her all of a sudden. She was mad and coming for the other teams. She would seek victory because of her background, because it meant something more than a gold medal or being the best.

Ben looked over at Rey who covered her mouth in response to the raging monster ready to leap out of her daughter, telling her that he’s seen that person before in Rey.

“That’s not funny.”

“Not right now.”

“It’s not funny at all. Do you like your hair pulled?”

Ben smiled, then corrected himself.

“Not like that, no. But they released the woman our daughter wanted to be. Now she’s out, and they should be afraid.”

By the end of the games, the United States finished with silver which Hope still counted as a high marking. She learned a lot about how these things went and most of all how her family would come together to fight for what they believed in. God that was a blessing watching her mother completely bitch out both the coach and offender, holding a lock of Hope’s hair along with her ribbon.

“Have you any idea what this means?” Rey shouted over everyone. “It’s not just some fashion statement!” That image would stand the test of time as one of Rey’s favorites, especially in the way she saw Hope smile at her. She managed to be a raging mother on national television that was broadcast globally. It would have been embarrassing if she was arguing over nothing. But that woman hurt her little girl and there would be hell to pay even if it was only felt as a threat.

____

 

Home life certainly changed, while quieter, they remained as parents for incoming children. Hope’s message was out there, Hudson’s push for change educated generations, their kids were making waves, and so it was changing the neighborhood. Maz had since passed before the women’s team won. The news of this made it all the more important to dedicate it to her and everyone at Care for Us. She did this in memory of the story Maz told her of her mother. She would share stories unbeknown to Rey about what their mother went through. It seemed only right to dedicate it to her very first caregiver, even if this was could be the only Olympic event she would go to as a member of their team. 

Not that she was counting on that, but four years could change a lot. 

Despite the fact that their kids were moving on and finally out, Rey no longer felt like she would be alone. Ben had been there, a constant promise, just as her kids were now that they were in different locations. Walt stayed the longest but wound up leaving for college and onward too. 

That was odd. 

It made her feel complete. Certainly a far cry from where she was earlier in the year, but it happened too.

News on Anthony and Meghan waited until they came back. The ball wound up being dropped by Tim though. Addy simply smacked his forehead and gave him a V8. The two had been going for so long it was hard to imagine they weren’t married yet. His answer to that question revolved around wanting to be debt free before he asked her. His student loans were just too high and felt like he would be leeching off of her if he asked before it was squared away. Both Anthony and Ben respected that about the guy.

The thought of being grandparents was overwhelming though.

“Are we really old?” Rose asks rhetorically. 

“You aren’t the grandma…” Finn looks questioningly at Hudson. “You’re the oldest. Why aren’t we grandparents?”

Hudson rolls his eyes at his father.

“I am not interested right now. Besides, what would you do with another me?”

“Watch him for a few hours and give him back to you with one hundred new ideas,” snorts Rose.

The group laughs, even Meghan got it.

Tim looks like he’s dying though. He should have given Addy the right to this before Anthony, but she seemed like she didn’t mind.

“No, you don’t look old, but you are Mom,” Walt teases.

“Oh my God, those really were the words you chose to use Mr. Silent Treatment?” Briana cringes.

“Thanks a lot…”

“You’re welcome.”

“So!” Ben claps his hands together. “How long until this little one is ready?”

“She isn’t a burger.”

“IT’S A GIRL!?!” Rey squeals.

___

 

Once again, time flies bringing the same nervousness to their family as it did when each of them left the nest. This time there would be a newcomer. A new baby. A new Solo! Where did the time go? Its lovely and terrifying to be back at the hospital, welcoming the sound of a lullaby playing overhead. “Is that them?”

“Did you hear anything?”

A cheer comes from another place in the waiting room. One with blue balloons and a welcome sign they did their best not to bring. Instead, they have Anthony’s house decorated for their return, making sure they had food for days too. It was just right.

Everyone sat back down a little deflated when one more rang through their space.

It’s them!

“Is it weird that I already feel like a grandparent?” Ben asks.

“Is it weird that I don’t?” Rey replies.

“Yes, but… It’ll come,” he promises. “Just like everything else.”


End file.
